The Muslim Family #21 – Consider These Options Before You Consider Divorce
Channel: Tim Humble
Series: Tim Humble - The Muslim Family
File Size: 22.29MB
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leeuw Alhamdulillah lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Abdullah he was suli Nabina Muhammad while early wasapi Jemaine Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. We begin as always, by praising Allah and by asking Allah to exalt the mentioned grand peace to our messenger Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to his family and his companions. We have been talking about issues relating to marital Discord.
And we talked about general principles and things that can help us in solving marital Discord. We're going to go a little bit more into the fix of marital discord right now and a bit more into the details of it and look at a new shows. And new shows, is a word that is most often used in relation to a woman and her husband. But it can also be used in relation to the husband and his wife. So we're gonna look at what the word means. We're gonna look at some of the rulings related to it. And some of the solutions that Islam gives and what those solutions really mean, in a practical sense. So the word and new shoes, in a linguistic sense, means Alistair saw. Welcome Tina, what our offer.
And it's from a Nash's which is,
it means yrel tefra wahba.
So linguistically, it comes from refusal,
it comes from a person refusing something, a person, just, you know, turn off or just, I don't want to have anything to do with this.
And sort of a person, if you like,
sort of standing up and saying, I'm not going to, I'm not going to listen anymore. Well, I'm not going to, I'm not going to follow anymore, and kind of sort of becoming like vihara, becoming a parent, and standing up and sort of, if you like a degree of rebellious, rebellious ness, if that's the right word. So these are some of the linguistic meanings around the word and shoes.
As for in the Sharia, of Islam, then a new shoes, it is in terms of the woman, it is for a woman to disobey her husband, in what Allah has made obligatory for her to obey him in. So she refuses to obey her husband. She says, I'm no longer able or I'm no longer willing to obey you in this thing that Allah has required me to be in. And we've already spoken about what about the different things that a woman is required to obey her husband in? And she says, I'm not I'm not willing to do that anymore. So she is what is called Nash's as she is a woman who is who is in a state of new shoes. in a state of, you can say disobedience, rebelliousness, where the marriage has broken down to such an
extent, where she says I'm no longer willing or I'm no longer able to obey you in the things which Allah has made obligatory for me to be in. And this situation of unknown shoes is mentioned in the Quran. Allah azza wa jal mentions it and Allah subhanaw taala tells us solutions for it. But it's also the case that it's not only mentioned with regard to the woman, as we're going to see later on, it's also mentioned as it relates to
the man so there's no doubt that the woman who is in a state of new shoes, she is the one who has raised herself up over her husband she said I'm not willing to to listen to what he says anymore. And I am not I'm going to turn my back on him and I'm going to turn away from him. And that is what we call a new shoes. And as we said, we're going to hear later on that it can come from the husband as well. So what is the ruling of a new shoes as it relates to the woman
the mother able to heal out of either the the different mother hip the Hanafi Maliki sheffey Hannah Bella, are in agreement on this issue that it is forbidden for a woman to fall into a new shoes is not allowed for her to fall into a new shoes into the state of disobedience and rebelliousness. And if she does, so, her husband has certain things that are available to him by way of remedy for this situation.
It's calling to, I want to make it clear the situation that it gets into is, is because
something has happened to get it to that position, something has gone wrong. And in the beginning, it may be something, the new shoes may be relatively minor, the rebellious nature may be relatively minor. And it may be possible to fix it with relatively minor things. But as we're going to hear it can get it can get more and more severe, the breakdown in the marriage that happens. And we can recognize this from the woman's side, when she's no longer willing to show obedience to her husband and the things that Allah azzawajal had legislated for her to show obedience in. And the main reference that we have for the steps that our husband has available to him is iron number 34. In
surah, Nisa, ally, so we just said, We're lucky to have one and which was 100, nefarious, no at all. Nothing more by Jerry World War One for in alpiner, Confederate teboho la hinda sebelah. In a la hacker now, hi, Lee and Kabira
this IR really has everything that we need to relate to the topic of new shoes from the point of view of the woman. And that is that those women that you fear their new shoes, you fear that they're going to have be rebellious towards you, and that they're not going to obey you anymore. So the marriage has broken down, something has gone wrong. The woman says I'm not listening to you anymore in the things that Allah has obliged me to listen, when they got married, they had this understanding, they had these important conditions, this important mythique and covenant that existed this Amana, from Allah, this set of responsibilities for the husband and the wife, but
something is broken down. And she says I'm no longer willing to obey my husband are no longer willing to listen to my husband. And this is haram. And this is haram in agreement of all of them are they? It's haram for her to do this.
And the solution is not for her to fall into this disobedience of a husband. That's not the solution. However, she falls into it. So what is available to her husband, Eliza gel provides a number of remedies. And these remedies are taken in stages. First of all, and this is the very first one,
admonish them. So in the beginning, Allah azza wa jal didn't take this issue and make it bigger than it needs to be. Allah subhanaw taala said, if you see from your wife, some kind of new shoes, some kind of refusal, some kind of disobedience, then you have to admonish her speak to her. And this admonishment allies are just didn't give it a time limit. He didn't say 500 or SPU. Faisal hoonah, Shahada ferry vahana. Center for Avon center tain. Allah didn't say a month, or a week, or a year or two years, Allah didn't give it a time limit,
to keep it up to the husband and to keep it as flexible as possible. So let him talk to his wife. Let him be kind to her. And him start with gentleness because of what we've heard about a riff and a lien softness and gentleness. And that riff was never put into anything except that it made it beautiful, and it was never taken out of anything except that it made it ugly. So let the husband Be gentle with her. Let the husband be soft with her. Let the husband talk to her and remind her about her obligations. Let him also look at his own faults and try to correct them and let there be a degree of admonishment from him so he can say to her look, this is not right for you to do this. And
he can also increase this admonishment over time, incense, it can be a little bit more serious about it, he can be a little bit more strict about it if he sees that that softness and gentleness isn't working. But in the beginning, his first step before he goes anywhere else, and takes any other steps is
ever is admonishment and to verbally speak to her and ask her to go back to obedience and back to what Allah has commanded. And that's why Allah azza wa jal said for in alpiner if those women start to obey you and they come back, Fela turbo La Nina sabirah. Don't try to do anything to them. In Allah her cannot really and caveolae Allah is the most hated
In the most great and data threat from Allah subhanaw taala of punishment for the man who is admonished his wife, he's spoken to his wife, and she's gone back, she's gone back to what she should have done is not allowed for him to do anything further, that's where he stops for that evil one. But sometimes, this warning and admonishment and him verbally saying to her, and reminding her, and he might be patient in that for a very long time,
but it doesn't benefit. So now he has another remedy which is available to him. And that is an agile, work rohana filled mob logic and abandoned them in the bet. Actually, there are two types of hedgehog that are available to the husband. The first is the one which is mentioned in the ayah watch rohana film Avaya, abandon them in the bed. And even this like the EVA, like the warning and the admonishment. It has levels to it. And what we mean by that is, like we said, The admonishment can start off with a soft word, then a little bit more Stern, and a little bit more serious, and so on. Likewise, the hedger can start off with just turning his back on his wife, just not putting his
hand on her when he goes to sleep, you know, just being distant from hitting the bed. And then it can go as far as him turning around in the bed on the other side. And then it can go as far as him sleeping on the floor next to the bed, and so on, like it can, it can go like that. But he doesn't want this hedger to go outside of the house. He doesn't want it to become knowledgeable of everyone in the player and all of the family members at this point, because one of the principles we have, and we didn't mention this in the principles, but it was one of the principles, mentioned it now, which is that the most shocking that problems between the husband and the wife, they should stay
between the husband and the wife as much as is possible. And as much as is, is as much as it can be kept in the house, it should be kept in the house. And as little as you can involve other people. That's better. The less you involve people, the better it is. So the abandonment the hedger of her should be something private that only those two know about and from the people have knowledge of those who said that even the children should not know about where possible. What ruhuna filma logic. The second type of hedgehog that is indicated is a hedgehog Phil Callen that he abandons her in speech.
he abandons her in speech, he doesn't speak to her. And this is indicated in a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, which is a general Hadith in which the Hadees narrated by Abu al Ansari are obvious loved one and not all allies all a lot while your selama called a a hillbilly Muslim and yeah, Jorah ha ha. Focus aletheia Layali focus Rafi lady.
It is not allowed for a Muslim to make hedger of his brother more than three nights a three days. It's not allowed to stop speaking to someone for more than three days. So if he doesn't speak to his wife, he's not allowed to go over the three days that is set out for him in the Sharia.
As for abandoning his wife, in the bed, then this is something which is also narrated in a Hadeeth on Miss ella rhodiola her and her and her co pilot and the nebia sallallahu alayhi wa sallam halophyte Allah tala Allah bow the Li shahara Fela mama wa tiss, attune wash Runa yo Ma, la de la him Allah for Allah. Hi lefter urine abhi Allah Allah tattoo Hola, la Nasha Hara color inertia yaku. Notice yaku notice it was actually in a format that the prophet SAW Selim had made an oath that he would not stay with his wives for a month. And that is when they asked him for an increase in provision. I asked him for more. And then they asked him for more of the dunya more of the
provisions of the world, worldly life.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he made an oath that he would not stay with them for a month.
And when 29 days had passed, he came to them in the morning or the evening. And it was said to him or prophet of Allah, you had made an oath to a law that you will not
come to see us, you will not stay with us for a month. He said sometimes the month is 29 days in length. So this also tells us the permissibility of a man abandoning his family in terms of wage or when I fill my budget, keep away from them in the bed, when the situation reaches to a certain level, it also reminds us that these are matters that happened to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, in terms of this issue of why to
keep away from them in the bed or abandon them in the bed. And as we said, as much as these issues can be kept privately, that's what should happen. Sometimes the matter is known and no doubt the Prophet size seven was unique in that sense, in the sense that the things that happened to him were examples and lessons for all of us to learn from. So this matter became known. And it actually got to the time when the rumor was spread, that the Prophet saizen had divorced his wives. And then it became clear that he had not divorced them, but rather he had just distanced himself from them because of this unreasonable request that was made.
What happens though, if this hedger in Kalam and hijaab, film aubagio, this abandoning them and speaking to them and abandoning them in the bed, it doesn't work. So now we come to one of the really important parts of the eye, a watery blue one.
And this is the last one mentioned in this a while but a blue one,
a BB, BB, the word barraba II avaliable. Darwin, this word it means to hit.
But it covers a very wide variety of hitting.
And so when you see people say that the Quran gives permission for a man to beat his wife, then this is something that no person of intellect, and nor person who has the smallest knowledge of Islam would think is true. Rather, Islam does not give a man permission to beat his wife. Islam gives a man in a certain situation, with certain conditions, permission to hit his wife in a certain way with a certain set of rules and regulations. No doubt, Allah does not oppress anyone. And Allah has made a volume, how long he's made oppression, how long and the Prophet size and forbade the beating of,
of a man beating his wife. And we're going to come to these highlights and talk about the conditions. So what does it actually mean? What are they born? And what are the conditions of that hitting? Which is the third level after admonishment after abandoning watery bohan. So what does this actually, what does this actually mean?
The first condition that the scholars and the people of knowledge put is that the husband must believe, or at least have some sort of belief that this is going to actually make a difference. In this day and age, if you see what the scholars say about a man hitting his wife, they say, like, with a C work with a, a toothache, a toothbrush, or some of them with a min deal with that with a handkerchief with a tissue noise, or some of them with an SBR with a finger, just like that, just touching, just tapping like that nothing. So the first condition is that he has to believe that this is actually going to make a difference. It's actually going to make her thinks of how this husband
that was so good to me and kind to me, for him to take his toothbrush and tapped me on the wrist with a toothbrush. He must re I must really have done something really, really wrong. And I must really come back to what Allah has commanded me to do. And if that's not going to happen, then this option is not an option for him is only an option for him if he believes that this is actually going to make her change her decision and change her behavior.
That's the first condition. The second condition
is that it is a bottle ban layer on more battery. And that's because of the Hadeeth of Jabba in Sahih Muslim for in fine adeleke forbury boo Navarro panorama battery.
The Prophet sighs him said in the hadith of Japanese Sahih Muslim if they do this and he mentioned certain acts of disobedience, then you may strike them is striking which does not which is not more better. Read
So the word mulberry, it comes from L bar or a bar. And this is L masaka. This is something which is hard, something which is difficult to bear.
Meaning that it should not cause any pain. And it should not cause any bruising. And it should not be difficult to bear. So that excludes everything, or almost everything that would be in a typical person's mind when it comes to a wife hitting when it comes to a husband hitting his wife.
Typically, none of what would be in a person's mind, something painful, bruising, beating, all of that is excluded from this Heidi bottle banner via mobile Ray. But a husband who raises one finger, or two fingers, or a miswak, or sewak, or you know, a, like a handkerchief, and he taps his wife on the hand, like this, if this is the this is like the final or one of the final stages in dealing with and new shoes. And ultimately, when you see the limits that Islam put upon this, it really isn't the issue that people make it out to be. And in the hadith of more Aria shayri, or Viola one, well, I totally will, which is that the man is not allowed. Even the light hitting that is with his
finger, he's not allowed to hit her on the face. And he's not allowed to hit her hard. And the Prophet sites really rebuke this. He said, Don't let one of you beat his wife.
Don't let one of you beat his wife the way that someone would beat a slave. Then he goes and he sleeps with her at the end of the day goes and he has intimacy with her at the end of the day, how can one of you beat your wife and then be intimate with her in the end of the night? And that is a really you know that that's it? That shows the rebuke of the Prophet sighs I'm towards that. Then add to this, that the Prophet size M said about the men who hit even with one finger or two finger that those are not three are equal, those are not the best among
What about a new shoes when it comes from the husband?
And how can even new shoes come from the husband? How can it be if we said that new shoes from the woman is to disappear husband? How can new shoes come from the husband. This is also mentioned in sort of Nisa in a number 128 waiting right at one half at min Valley her new shoes and our other fellow Junior highly Hema in use, they have been a mouse will have what sort of life
and if a woman fears from her husband new shoes, or fears that he will turn away from her,
he will abandon her, then there is no harm upon them in making a soul between one another or solo hire, and making peace between each other and an agreement between each other is something good. So the new shoes here is either ill treatment, or arr. It could be also explained as Arab that he just doesn't want anything to do with her is that he doesn't eat as it's like he doesn't want to keep her as a wife anymore. He doesn't take it seriously anymore. He doesn't want to be with her anymore.
And he's distant from her. And the feeling is that they're you know that even maybe it matters of intimacy and things like that just became distant from her. And he is either abandoning her or she fears that he might treat her badly. then in this case, there is no harm in the two of them coming to an agreement, which is a soldier. And the meaning of the soul here is that the couple agree to forego certain rights or the wife agrees to forego certain rights to give up certain rights in order to stop this news or this Arab to stop this ill treatment or to stop this turning away from her husband turning away from her. So for example,
it might be the case that the woman she is getting older and she feels that she's not really able to
maybe to to to keep up with what her husband expects from her and she fears that it
might come to the stage where her husband will divorce her or where her husband might no longer see I no longer want to keep her as a wife, because things have changed between them. And things are broken down in a little way between them. And it might not be the fault of either of the two of them. It might be something like age, or it might be, you know, the fact that a woman she fears that this might happen, or she senses that this might happen. And there's no harm in them coming to an agreement. And that agreement could be, for example, that she gives up some of her rights. Like, she, let's say, for example, she has a co wife, she says my co wife can take my night, I want to
stay married to my husband, I want him to give me my rights. But the night that was usually mine, I'm willing to give it up for my co wife, for example. And they make an agreement like that. And this is what sometimes we might even call in English separation, I staying apart from one another whereby it's not a divorce, but they agree maybe just to forego some of their rights. Maybe they agree to give up some of their rights and make a peace between them, make a solid between them and assert something good if it saves the marriage, if that's what saves the marriage and it just needs, you know that some of the rights are given up in order to make a peace between them and in order to
save the marriage. And there's nothing wrong with doing that there's nothing wrong with saving the marriage like that and making the peace between them like that. So what happens then, if the issue goes even beyond that, and even the soul isn't working, and the the the EVA, the warnings the admonishment,
the hedgerow leaving her alone, abandoning her in the bed, even potentially, you know, the hitting in accordance with what Islam allowed the issue of a soul. None of it worked. What did Allah azzawajal give as a final sort of option before we start to talk about the issue of divorce? advisor just said, we're in Clifton. shikaka benei Hema furbearers who had come in early he will hack me earlier he read Islam at La Habana Houma in Allaha, Khanna, alum and hubiera Larissa just said and if you fear Shinnecock, and the meaning of Shinnecock is that one of them is on one side and one of them is on the other completely, they have completely gone against each other. One is on one side
and one is completely opposing, they've gone totally against each other.
Further, I thought hacker meme in early your hacker moment earlier, send a judge from his family and a judge from her family.
If they wish to get back together, Allah will make the tofield Allah will bring them back together will bring them your 50 level Bina whom Allah will make it possible for them to come back together. Indeed, Allah is Knowing of everything and aware of everything. So to understand this a little bit better. Let's look at what Allah man even knew Kafeel he said about this ayah he said Khalid fuqaha, the scholars of film they said, either Walker shikaku danazol Jain, if major issue issues happened between the husband and the wife, and they will come totally separated. A Scanner humann Hakeem
lamb forgotten young roofie Emery him. In this case, the ruler or the judge, gives them to somebody responsible, who's going to look at the issue that's happening between them. This could be like someone in the position of a counselor, or someone who's going to look at that matter and try to
someone reliable, who's going to try to solve what's happening between them, someone's going to get involved and try to solve the problems that are existing between them.
William netravati, Lima Minh Houma Amina Boone and stops the one who is oppressing the other from their oppression, whether it's the husband oppressing the wife or the wife, oppressing the husband, for interfer comma a more warm air while pilots who flew metal Houma Bethel Hakeem tsikata, Minh le ma, was so clear to me and called me Roger. And if the matter goes even beyond that, even the one marriage counselor, they can't, they can't make the peace. They can't separate the oppression and oppress one and they can't make that peace between them. The and the the argumentation keeps on going, it becomes prolonged. Then what he does is the judge he chooses one person from the family of
the woman and one person from the man's people, one from the woman side.
One from the man's site Li h temi. To come together for young boy life he Emery Hema and then that they will those two people they look at what's happening to the husband and what's happening to the wife, Way of Allah Murphy Hill Mosler me mayanja he minute 233. I will tell you, and then they decide what is best for that husband and wife. And what's going to bring about good for them either that they break apart or either that they come back to gether. What? And then he said
and then he said, what I show with a shirt it all in a trophy. And Allah subhanaw taala encouraged, and Allah subhanaw taala encourage them to try and find that way of bringing them back together. So this is really a beautiful explanation from a man who Kathir Rahim Allah to Allah that just explains how this process would work. So it might begin with just one person, like a marriage counselor who just looks at the issue and tries to solve it, but he can't solve it. So he goes back to the judge and the judge says, okay, bring me one from the man's family, one from the woman's family, why the man's family why the woman's family because they're more likely that those two are going to know the
situation and understand the problem and try and make peace between them. They come together, they talk to each other, and they try to find a way to solve the problem. Either they decide that the couple are going to separate or they decide that the couple are going to come together and ally xojo encourage them to find a way to make that couple to get back together. Again. That's what allies are gentlemen easy for me to mention in this episode and allies are generals best was Salatu was Salam ala nabina Muhammad Juana and he was so happy he made a Salaam Alaikum. If you're enjoying these videos, and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running, make
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