The Muslim Family #20 – Practical Steps to Solve Marital Problems
Channel: Tim Humble
Series: Tim Humble - The Muslim Family
File Size: 22.61MB
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leeuw and honey hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah Nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi edge Marina Salam or aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Welcome to another part of this short course on the Muslim family brought to you by a madrasa to Romania.
And we're now at the stage where we're talking about the problems that happen between husband and wife. And as I mentioned, at the end of the last episode, people might say, Well, you know, this short course about the Muslim family, why are we talking about problems? Why do we not leave it at the obligations of the husband and the wife and then move on to talk about children and parents and siblings and other relatives. In reality, we have to understand that all marriages, or almost all marriages, have some degree of things happen in them some bumps in the road, especially when that marriage has gone for a little time. There are bumps in the road, there are things that happen. And
we need to be aware of the best Islamic ways that we're supposed to deal with these things, so that the marriage can last in a way that is pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala. And we need to start off by saying that Allah azza wa jal decreed, and Allah subhanaw taala chose for us the institution of marriage, to be an institution that brings peace to husband and wife, and it brings love, affection, mercy and forgiveness. And we've already spoken about this in the AI in sorta room woman AR T. and color color coming and forsaken, as well generally tests cuando la her YG la Vina como de tomar Akuma in Effie Valley, color it in the komiya tuffa calm
from the signs of Allah is that he has created for you from yourself spouses, that you may live together with them in tranquility. And he has made between you love, affection, love and affection and mercy. Indeed, in this there are many signs for people who give thought. So Allah azza wa jal has made this institution of marriage to be happy, a happy time to be a time where you find tranquility, to be a life partner that helps you to worship Allah subhanho wa Taala. And Allah subhanaw taala has put between husband and wife love, affection, care, support for each other mercy forgiveness, overlooking each other's faults. And that's what we should go back to. And that's why
when we start this discussion on marital issues and marital problems, we're going to go right back to the beginning and right back at the beginning is that the marriage should be one of tranquility and peacefulness and, and peace and, and happiness and love and affection and mercy and kindness. By sometimes, we don't always match the high standards that we have been set, and that we would wish for ourselves. And there are times when the marriage breaks down and has bumps in the road and problems that happen in the marriage. And so we need to understand the framework that Islam has given us to deal with those to deal with those problems. In this episode, I'm going to really focus
on general power in general things that will help you without getting into maybe all of the details of a new shoes of what happens when a woman no longer feels she can be her husband, or what happens when a husband no longer feels he wants to spend any time with his wife. We're going to kind of delay those until a little bit later on. But here we're just gonna talk about general principles, general rules, and things that can help us as it relates to getting over some of the difficulties that sometimes happen in marriage. The first principle that I want to mention, and the first evidence that I want to mention is the statement of allies. So Rachel, Robin and hublin I mean, as
Gina was rewriting our code writer Are you which are unknowledgeable tokina imama.
Our Lord, grant us from our wives and our offspring, or our spouses in our offspring, those which will be the coolness of our eyes, the pleasure of our eyes, and make us examples, imams examples for the people have Taqwa. And I bought this ayah for two reasons as it relates to Hello Mashallah zoji are getting out of marital problems. The first is a do do I
Turning back to Allah subhanaw taala and asking Allah azza wa jal to correct our spouses for us and to correct us for them. Because both are mentioned in the I Rob banner headline I mean as YG now was reacting our kurata Aryan, Orlan, make our spouses make our children the pleasure of our eyes, watch it and make us examples for the people of taqwa. So it contains asking ALLAH, to correct our families, and to correct us and to make that peace and that mercy and that love and that that brings that coolness to the either pleasure of the eye when it exists. So it's a beautiful to add to makes not only too beautiful to automate, though, and it contains in it a request to Allah subhanaw taala
to bring about the things which will bring about pleasure as it relates to our family and happiness to us, and to make us ours, our families, our children, our wives, our spouses, to make us all examples of taqwa. Examples for the people of taqwa any man is someone who is followed right like the Imam in the in the prayer is the one who is followed in the prayer who leads the prayer, which I'm nearly tokina Eman makers. imaams make us examples of leaders who can be followed as an example for people of taqwa. And this also tells us that ultimately, if we want our marriage to be successful, it's got to be based upon taqwa. It's got to be based upon obedience to Allah and
leaving disobedience to Allah. Whatever problems we have, whatever difficulties have happened to us in our marriage have only happened to us because we failed as it relates to the taqwa of Allah azza wa jal, and that's why it's famously said that normal siba nor calamity ever befalls people except because of their sins. And it's never raised up except because of tober. So a taqwa turning to Allah, leaving disobedience to Allah, becoming more obedient to Allah, trying to be an example for the righteous people trying to make ourselves and our families. An example for others. In terms of our taqwa and our coming near to Allah. This is what is going to bring about peace between the
husband and wife and what's going to bring about the happy family that everybody wants to have. So it's a nice kind of place to start as it relates to talking about solving issues that relate to the marriage.
Our next is what is a sovereign Nabila dalvey as YG Heidi's Flm and SBU of hora de la la, outer Rafa Allah who were out of Parliament a bit heavy here, Carlos membaca, had a call and a Banila illegal hobby, this ayah we brought it for two reasons. Number one, the IRA talks about some of the difficulties that the Prophet sighs him had in a situation that happened with some of his wives. And that tells us that even the household of the Prophet sallallahu, Alayhi, wasallam, there were some difficulties. There were some times some things that happened. There were sometimes some challenges that happened between the profit sites in them and between one or more of his wives. And so if it
happened to the Prophet sallallahu, it was sent them we should not be surprised that would happen with those who are far far less than the profit slice and them in their taqwa and their fear of Allah. And they need us to Allah. So ultimately, if it happened to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam, we should not be surprised that there might be some difficulties sometimes in our marriages as well. And I also wanted to highlight the statement of Eliza which are Rafa Baba, who were
the prophets, I seldom recognized a part of it, and he left a part of it. And this is a really important principle as it relates to the issue of how the husband should deal with
issues that come up in the marriage. And that is that for some of them, it's better just to let it go. And to walk away, you can't pull up on every single individual issue. And you can't,
you can't sort of get into every single problem. Rather, there are some things that you have to turn away from.
You have to let them go, and you have to let them pass. And that's why the Prophet sighs and what are other and that and some of it, he led it, he let it go, he let it pass, he let it pass. And so this is something also that we can take from this is a benefit. Some of the people have knowledge they mentioned that this
mentions that they miss the need of the husband to let things go and not to pull his wife up for every single thing, but to focus on the things which are the most important in the sight of Allah as origin and that's what the prophet sallallahu wasallam did Kyle and abet en el la Mojave, he said the most, the one who knows everything and the one who is the most aware of everything is the one who informed me Allah subhanaw taala. So what matters is what is important in the sight of Allah azza wa jal and as for some of the smaller things, and if the husband lets them go and let them pass, then this is from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and there are other
ayat and a hadith which indicate this as well, and we might come to, to some of them. Among them is the hadith of our mother eyeshadow, viola Juana, in which she said in it, men, tecoma Rasulullah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, le Neff, ce, e 11, to 10, to hacker hometel law, he has the origin. She said that the Prophet, the Messenger of Allah, so I tell him, he never took revenge for himself. But when it was a matter, that was from the heart, from the things that were there, the boundaries that were set by Allah, that's when the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam took the matter to hand and took it seriously and took it. And I took action based on it. Otherwise, for himself solo to LA, he
was so Mr. Ali, and his own personal things, he saw a lot of wind, he was sentimental. He didn't take revenge, or he didn't, you know, make it into a big thing when it was something for himself. But when it was something related to the harm, that is when the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi wasallam, would take action. And I think this is a beautiful principle that a husband should use to monitor and manage what goes on in his house, if it's something that his wife does, and likewise, it also applies to the wife in terms of what she gets, you know, what she, What should she complain about? and What should she raised as an issue? and What should she make a big fuss about? and What should
she just let go, ultimately, there are going to be things that relate to the harm, and the things that relate to the harm, those are the things that should be important. Those are the things that should be red lines, the harm should be a red line. As for the things that relate to personal issues, person should learn to let go the things that are personal to them. And that don't involve something which is how I'm in the sight of Allah azza wa jal, but just involve a personal, you know, issue. And, for example, many husbands, pull up their wives and, and have a go at their wives for things which are personal tastes of this, they don't really relate to the harm. It's just personally
I like my dinner certain way. And I like my clothing put certain way and I like, and these will lie, it's not like somebody, it's not befitting for a husband to pull his wife upon these issues. Rather, he should leave his his serious side to that which relates to the harm primarily, even if he has a right to ask his wife to respect his the things that he thinks are important, and likewise has a right to a certain extent, in that. But what should really matter is when it falls into the hierarchy, that's when it should be serious, and that's when it should be important. And as for when it relates to personal preferences and personal issues, then as much as a person is able to overlook
those that will help to reduce the amount of marital problems and marital discord that could happen between the husband and the wife. And in this there is a beautiful and comprehensive statement of Eliza which at the end of an ayah in salted Baccarat in which Allah is which I said, well attend several Fub la Vina come in Allah happy mattock. meluna bossy, do not forget the good grace that exists among you took that wonderful behavior between the two of you. And that graciousness, you know, being graceful being kind to one another. Don't forget that between you. Indeed, Allah is all seeing of what you do. And this has a couple of of principles we can take out of it as it relates to
solving issues of marital Discord. Number one, don't make Islam a stick that you beat your spouse with. And that usually happens from the spouse that is more knowledgeable towards the one that is less knowledgeable but not always. But usually it happens like that. And I mean, that could be either the wife could be more knowledgeable, the husband could be more knowledgeable. Don't use Islam as like a weapon to to attack your spouse with and someone starts saying, well, I saw in this video and you don't do this and and it's not sincere. If that makes sense. It's not a genuine
And advice, it's not nice to have for the sake of Allah, where persons saying, look, honestly, I think you know if we could work on this inshallah we would have a happier marriage. It's just a matter of winning points. You know, I know Heidi's you don't, I'm going to use it against you I can bring this I saw you in a video I'm going to use it against you I memorize this Hadith, I'm going to use it against you. Well, it turns out, we'll follow up and don't forget the grease and the graciousness that you should have towards each other. Don't use Islam in sincerely like that as a way to attack each other, to make it sincere. A Dino Nazi had this religion, his sincerity towards
people sincere advice and sincerity. And that includes the husband towards the wife and the wife towards the husband. We saw a wonderful example of that with selama. What are the Allahu and her and we saw examples of that from the husband, to the wife, the wife to the husband, from all the examples we mentioned, of that beautiful naziha and sincerity between the husband and the wife. Well, that turns out we'll Filipina comm Don't forget to be graceful and gracious.
And, and, and kind and considerate to one another. And this ayah was mentioned as it relates to divorce. This ayah was it comes in the among the items Oracle bacara deal with that deal with divorce. So even in that extent, even when the situation of marital discord reaches such a level as the couple are actually on the way of, of breaking up their marriage. Still, there should be that follow that that graciousness between each other. And so when we're talking about the problems that exist between husband and wife should never get to the point where Islam has been used as a crude stick to kind of beat the other person with and just score points that I'm better than you or I know
more than you, or whatever it might be. It's also really important. And another benefit we can mention here is the importance of being precise. when describing the problems that happened between husband and wife, there are a couple of points I want to raise here. I think first of all,
one of the most important things is when to discuss problems.
It's never a good idea to discuss problems with one another when you are angry with each other. So the anger is gone, it's flared up, and bad words have been said. And, you know, people shouted at each other and maybe one of them stormed out of the room or whatever has happened. At that point, it's not a good time to go and see the other person and then start going through the problems in the marriage and trying to solve them.
It's important to have that discussion when you're talking about problems in a marriage between husband and wife, to have that discussion with grace, to be graceful, and to be gracious towards each other, as it relates to discussing marital problems, you know, be be gracious to each other, be kind towards each other. And to do that you have to pick the right time to discuss these problems. You have to discuss them at the right time in the right place, when the two of you are in the right frame of mind to discuss some of the problems in a constructive way. And that's part of what we can take from the I have been constructive when talking to each other about these things. Well attend
several fava bean accom Don't forget graciousness between the two of you, from the IRS that can give us principles that deal with solving marital problems is the statement of Eliza gel wa aka Simone de Neff Celia one, I swear by the soul that blames itself. Allah azza wa jal only swears by that which is significant in His sight subhanaw taala. And one of the things that is significant in the sight of Allah is a soul that is low worm that sees itself as being at fault. Now, no doubt this first of all refers to your relationship between you and Allah, that you see the sins you do that you appreciate the fact that you that you are blameworthy in the sight of Allah. But it's also a very
good way of approaching marital problems instead of blaming the other person, look at yourself, look at what you might have done that didn't match the standards that you would want for yourself. And if anyone is honest from among husband and wife, and they look at themselves honesty, they will see many things in their own behavior which are blameworthy and which are deserving of being corrected. And for a person to start with those instead of starting with thoughts of their spouse is a huge sign of Eman and and nearness to Allah subhanaw taala that a person looks at themselves first. What are our symbol be Neff? See Lola
And I swear by the soul that blames itself. And for a person to look at themselves and say, I have got my faults. And yes, the person is in that situation because they're upset with their wife about something that their wife has done, or the wife is upset with the husband about something that the husband has done. That's why they're in that situation. But for a person to have the maturity to say, you know what it is, I'm not innocent, I have my own faults. And to work on those more, that is a sign of lies, assign a class of sincerity before Allah Subhana Allah, because you realize that every one of your faults will be or could be a cause for misery, Yokoyama. So you want to get rid of
as many of them as possible, and you're more worried about your own faults than you are about the faults of your spouse. Because you the end of the day, if your spouse has faults and oppresses you, then that can only be a means for you to be forgiven, or raised in rank Yokoyama, whatever it might be. But it's not the case that if you have faults, and it may be, you're the one who are giving out your good deeds, and taken on other people's bad deeds on the Day of Resurrection. So that's why it's narrated from the likes of Pablo Viola and others, they said that they, they, they showed gratitude and kindness. And they say, may Allah reward the one who brings my faults to my attention.
And so the first person who should bring your faults to your attention, is you the first person who should really know yourself as you're in it. And if you lie to yourself, then what is there after that? You know, like, how much worse does it have to get that a person lies to themselves, and isn't honest with himself about the faults that they have. And it's easy to point the finger and say, my spouse doesn't do this, and my spouse doesn't do that. But it's not easy to look at yourself and say, I don't do this. And that doesn't mean that your spouse is perfect. Because all of us are copper, all of us make mistakes. But ultimately, it means that we start by correcting our mistakes,
and we're not the first one to point the finger at other people. The more you do that, the more you'll find it easier to get out of marital problems. Now, that doesn't mean that your spouse is perfect. And sometimes we have my spouse is the one who you know did this and my spouse is the one who did that. And that can be true. But honestly, when they see you correcting yourself, they will want to correct themselves. When they see you looking at your mistakes, they will want to look at their mistakes. When they see you correcting yourself and being honest with yourself, they will want to do the same. Generally speaking, it's very rare that it doesn't work like that. It's very, very
rare that the situation happens that a person sees their spouse
correcting themselves and then they say that I'm not going to do anything or I don't have to do anything. See I told you it was your fault. It's very rare that that happens in this very advanced stage of discord. Usually the case is when they see that effort from from you correcting yourself, they themselves will make that effort to correct themselves as well. And inshallah This is be in the later Allah a beneficial principle as it relates to marital Discord. Try to blame yourself first and look at yourself first and correct yourself first. That will make a big difference in sha Allah to Allah in helping your spouse to come to the same conclusion and take the same and take the same
I'd be hurayrah graviola and narrated the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said in Del Mar Atta, Julio Cartman Villa, Len testa ki Malika Allah Tada.
He said, Indeed, the woman was created from a rib. And this rib no matter what you do, it will never be straight for you. Len testa ki Malacca Allah particle, whatever you do, that rib is not going to be is not going to be straight.
It's not going to be straight. And therefore one of the things we can take from this, Heidi, and we're gonna come back to it later on and the topic of divorce in Charlotte. But one of the things we can take for this from this is you can go about pulling your spouse, especially not the husband towards his wife, on every small fault, because whatever you do, you're not going to manage to make the bent rib straight. You're not going to manage to to get rid of every small thing that you don't like. Rather, a person should focus on what's important. And there are a couple of different things you can focus on. You can either focus on the things which are big wins or quick wins. And I just
mentioned this out of
Out of Nazi how to have advice, even though
perhaps I'm not going to bring you necessarily a Hadeeth for it. But there are a couple of things that I would advise, I think you need to look at big wins or quick wins. Big wins are things that are really important to you. And usually they're around about revolve around the forearm and the heromart, the sacred the boundaries of Eliza, which are the limits of Allah subhanaw taala. And they're big things very serious. Or you focus on quick wins, and quick wins or things that might be small. But if you can get some movement on the small things you shall allow to add to the big things will follow. So it might be something small, that you know, the husband, the wife say, look, we've
got big issues between us. And we fear that we might actually end up us marriage is not going well, we're not happy with each other. You see, okay, what's the problem. And the problem is something big, it's a big thing, you know, and it's, it's huge. But there are some small things that could be done immediately, that would just make the situation instantly better, just in a small way.
It could be something simple like, or even when my husband comes in, he's got his phone in his hand, small thing, just put your phone down when you come in, it's a quick way, it might not solve all the problems in your marriage, you may not be the big thing that is causing the marital problems. But it just makes everything so much easier. It's all you know, my wife, when I asked her for such and such a thing, she does the opposite. It's a small thing, it's minor, but it can make a big difference. So there are two ways you can look at that you can either look at the big things, which you have to work on. And ultimately, that's where you need to be, you need to get over those big things to solve
this problem of the problems that exist between the husband and the wife, get over the big things, but also look at the small things that you can do that will instantly make things better. Because often it's those small things that lead to the bigger things, when the husband and wife sit with each other and say, we want to, you know, we want to
we want to get over this big marital problem that we have. And we want to solve this big, huge marital issue that we have, often that issue looks like a mountain, in the eyes of the husband or the wife, they can't imagine getting over it, they can't imagine getting out of it. But when they start talking about very small and simple things, it's like yeah, okay, you know, maybe I can't
do ABC, but what I can do is this small thing, and that small thing leads to another small thing. And that small thing leads to another small thing. And that leads the finally to get over there to get over their problems. So definitely, you can't go about correcting everything. But when you're looking at correcting something, ideally, you're going to look at those big things that relate to the harm. But sometimes in order to get to a stage where you can solve those big things, it helps for the quick wins, the small things that you can do that just make the two of you feel better about each other from the beginning. And it builds a foundation upon which you can go on to solve the
bigger problems that exist. And that's just member and naziha. From the point of advice from myself to the people who might be experiencing some difficulties in their marriage.
We then come to an if statement of allies or general Yeah, for the US Federal ally to borner al fair, a lot will echo Eliza which has said forgive and overlook, do you not wish for Allah to forgive you? forgiven, overlooked do not wish for Allah to forgive you. And you know the story that came along with this idea. The I in sort of note
that in the story of the if that happened between our mother, I shot all the alarm on her when she was falsely accused of adultery or the alarm on her. And it got to the point where her marriage with the Prophet size, it was it was very, it became at a stage where it could have broken apart completely. And she had gone back to her parents house and the Prophet salallahu it was I was getting conflicting advice about what to do. And he was feeling conflicted sallallahu alayhi wa sallam about the situation. It was a very, very serious situation indeed. And in that time, there was a Sahabi who Abu Bakar Ayesha's father, Abu Bakar radi Allahu taala and who Alba he was looking
after that Sahabi in his name was Mr.
And Mr. Becker was looking after him because he was a poor relative of bubble buckles, and abubaker he swore that I am not going to help him now again, I'm not gonna I'm not going to give him anything because even though he was a good person, but he got himself involved in spreading this rumor. Now you can see he got caught up in the crowd and he got, he started spreading this rumor about Ayesha, even though Abu Bakar Ayesha's father was the one that was providing for him, giving him
given him, you know, his his financial support, and but even because of that he was but he had spread that rumor about eyeshadow, the Allahu anhu. And Abu Bakar had sworn that I'm not going to give this person I'm not going to give him any more help, because of what he said about Asia and Eliza gel revealed. This is where the aff will
let them forgive and let them overlook. do not wish that Allah will forgive you.
Allah to hipbone al for Allahu lecom Don't you wish that Allah azza wa jal will forgive you?
And I think this is it's profound, really, when you think about it, that how serious that situation was. And still, Abubakar was told to forgive him and overlook whatever any husband has done to his wife, whatever any wife has done to her husband is not going to reach what Mr. Did to abubaker and Ayesha, while the Allahu an homage May. But Allah, Allah commanded aboubaker, to forgive and to overlook. And that's what has to be the basis of solving these marital problems, forgiveness, not going back and bring in the past stuff over and over again, and overlooking people's mistakes in order that Allah would forgive you. And that I believe is a very important principle as it relates
to dealing with problems between husband and wife, let them forgive, let them overlook. Let them leave the past in the past, let them look to move forward. And what did abacha see he swore that I'm not going to stop giving him now, since the ayah was revealed. He swore I will not stop giving him and he continued to give him and support him financially. He didn't bring that past up again. He didn't go back to that issue and keep bringing it up again and again. And likewise, and this issue, the issues we're talking about marital discord are way less than that. Don't bring the issues up, don't bring the past up, solve the problem, ask forgiveness, stop doing it, make changes and move on
as a couple together. This I believe is a very important principle and that's all we have time for in this episode. analyzer generals best wa Salatu was Salam RBU Mohammed while early he also happy ajmeri
as salaam alaikum. If you're enjoying these videos, and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running, make sure you head over to a m au add home.com