Looking For Love
Channel: Tim Humble
File Size: 49.17MB
smilla rahmanir rahim
al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen
smiley one or certainly more
lol my broth iraq mutton lil al Ameen. Nabina Muhammad in Walla early, he was a heavy age marine Ummah back.
So this is our new time for Friday night reflections, sha Allah to Allah, because having it after Asia was just getting too late. And it was getting to the point where people were struggling to get up for sight out and for
me being one of them. And so inshallah we decided to move it to after Margaret. However, what we will do is if the session runs too long today, and we don't have time to answer questions, then I am quite flexible about allowing those people who want to come back after Asia for some more extended q&a to do so I don't have any major issues there. I'm not fixed about having a time after Asia, that if we, you know, we should come back. But if there are some outstanding questions, and we, you know, we continue a little bit of discussion after Asia for 10 or 15 minutes in Charlotte doesn't hurt.
And the topic for today
is a very important topic and a topic that I have wanted to deal with for some quite considerable time. And I've dealt with before in the UK, but I wanted to deal with it here in Dubai.
And that is the topic of
looking to get married
from the perspective of the young person who is looking to get married,
and from the
perspective of the parent whose children are looking to get married.
So we want to take this from the angle of
the one who is looking to get married the young man or the young woman who is looking to get married. And we want to also take this from the angle of the parent Whose child is considering getting married as well.
And we're going to study this in sha Allah hota Allah from three Hadith primarily.
And I don't think inshallah we're going to go much over three, Heidi,
to cover this entire topic. Within those three, Heidi, there are advice for young men
and advice for young women, and advice for parents of young men and women when it comes to issues of marriage. Now, we did make a note on the lecture today that this lecture is obviously about a topic which is a theme more suited to people who are
adults or, you know, let's say teenagers and above, I don't plan on it being, you know, totally unsuitable for anyone who is younger than that, but I do advise Parental discretion when dealing with issues of marriage and such.
Any parents need to decide if their children are old enough to hear those topics or not?
And we send that out in the email. But inshallah I don't see that there will be any major problem as we try and keep it as clean as possible.
So we begin with the hadith of Abdullah liveliness or Odin, although the Allahu Allah and
in Sahih Muslim and others
that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said call Elena Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam hella Mia Masha shabba
many stylepark amin como el de at F Eliot has a word
for in Who? bully boss la de la soil for women Lamia saltair for LA Heba sohm fit in a hula hoop
this hadith in Sahih Muslim from Abdullayev in order of the Allahu to Anna and he said, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to us, Jamar Shara Shabbat.
Marshal is a word you use when you want to address lots of people who have the same characteristic. So you say you
Shall I mean
for example or you say martial law meaning you say mashup element meaning you all group of believers, Mashallah and Muslim in all your group of Muslims, who is the prophet SAW Selim talking to here Mashallah Shabbat Shabaab,
all of you Shabaab, all of you young men.
So this advice is going out to, specifically to young men and the Shabbat in Islam is everyone from the age of adulthood
to somewhere in the region of 35 to 40 years old, something like that. This in Arabic we call shab. A young man. Some of the scholars said 35, some said 40, some said 30.
But if we say 35. And if we say most people reach adulthood at 15, as an example, for a boy 1515 to 35 years old, yeah, Marshall Shabaab, or group of young men, Manny Stata, amin Komal, back at failure, yet as a watch,
whoever of you
is able to do a little better
than he should get married.
Whoever of you is able to do albear should get married.
Now, this word Alba, the scholars differed over its meaning.
Some of them said that the word Alba refers to an ability to have marital relations,
ie those of you who are able physically able to get married in a physical sense, then he should get married.
However, some of the other scholars said
this is not appropriate for this Heidi's because the general understanding of the sharp The young man is that he is able to get married physically.
What is the thing he is may not be able to do any with a young man you don't fear about their physical ability to get married. What you're concerned about is the financial ability to get married. And Alba in Arabic applies to both. And you use that data for a physical ability
be intimate with a person's spouse. This is called Alba and you use Alba for financial ability to sustain
Whoever of you is able financially and we can add in physically.
Then let him get married.
Or command from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
a command and the commands of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam hold Wait, they are not there for nothing. They are there because they are serious commands.
You young men, young people who ever have you has the ability to get married failure to watch Mary.
The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said for him now who are Rob do Linda basa
it will be better for lowering the gaze.
It will be better to help you to lower your gaze.
Lowering the gaze is a command to Muslim men and Muslim women. Allah azza wa jal in the Quran commanded Muslim men, and he commanded Muslim women to lower their gaze
and to guard their private parts. To it in the Quran. One address to Muslim men and one address to Muslim women.
Tell the Muslim men to lower their gaze and guide their god their private parts and tell the Muslim women to lower their gaze and regard their private parts.
So the prophets lie Selim said that this will be the thing that will help you to do so.
ie that without this marriage, it is very difficult for you to keep your gaze lowered and keep your desires satisfied.
And Islam does not offer or does not make something haram except that it offers you a halal alternative. So Allah azza wa jal said, Well, I Takara Xena Don't come near to committing Zina.
What did Ally's or gel offer as an alternative as the watch
nikka that you get married.
So the prophets lie Selim said all group of young people whoever of you is financially able to do so let him get married.
Because this will be our Rob do little buzzer This will help him to be much better at lowering his gates.
What I saw no little torch
and it is far better at helping him to guard his private parts, ie to guard them from doing the Haram or leading him to the Haram.
As the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Whoever can guarantee for me what is between his two jaws and what is between his two thighs, I guarantee for him paradise wise, he said sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that whoever God's for me what is between his two Jaws, ie his tongue, and what is between his two thighs is private parts I will guarantee for him paradise.
Because these are the two things that ruin a person,
the tongue and the private parts
and the meaning of
will guide them IE will guard them from two things from doing the Haram, often leading the person to the Hara.
Doing the Haram as in committing Zina or leading a person to haram because this is what happens. Some of the Shabaab they don't think with what is here, but instead they think with something else, and this is what is taking them and making their decisions for them. I should do this, I should go here I should. And they're taking part in Haram. Because of not being able to God there, what is or what Allah azza wa jal has given them in order to stop them from doing the Haram but instead, they are falling into the harm. Because of it, it is leading them to the harm and taking them to the harm.
So marriage serves two purposes. Both of these other two purposes mentioned in solace. And note,
that you lower your gaze, and that your private pilot's do not engage in harm, nor do they lead you and encourage you to the harp.
This is the purpose or this is one of the purposes of marriage, one of the major purposes of marriage
to satisfy that desire that if you don't satisfy it with the halaal, you will satisfy it with the Hara
in a major sin or a minus in
either as a major sin or a minus sin. But if you don't deal with it unsatisfied in the highlight, you're satisfied in hora.
So, this is something which will help a person to lower their gaze and help a person to guard their private parts from doing the harem or from leading them to the
woman lemmya started for LA he is sewn, as for the one who is not yet able.
And he Allah has decreed something which is stopping him from getting married.
Something which is temporarily restricting his ability to get married. You understand from this a financial difficulty which is temporarily stopping this individual from getting married for either his song, let him fast for inaho level which
it will be a wager for him and which are his castration. Elijah in Arabic is being castrated IE, when you take an animal and you stop that animal from having any desire to reproduce. This is called Weijia.
And this is how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam described fasting for the young man
that this young man,
this young man, if he is not yet able to get married, but he's at that age where he is having that desire and wanting to get married, but he's not yet able to get married,
then he has an alternative. And it is not a long term alternative yet. It is not intended that you fast until you are 30 or you fast until you are 35. The meaning here is you have some restriction that is holding you back for two or three months or six months or whatever it may be,
in this time, take to fasting frequently because this fasting will control these
urges and this desire, just like an animal has that desire taken out of them when you castrate the animal.
And usually what they do, they cut off the blood flow to the animals, private parts, they cut off the blood flow, and it stops the animal from having any desire to reproduce. And this in Arabic is called vija. And this is what fasting will do to a young man, if he keeps regular fasting. And so he should fast according to his desire. So if you find that fasting on a Monday and Thursday is enough to control his desire for Al Hamdulillah. If you find it's not enough, and he's still His eyes are leaning to the Haram, and other things are going towards the Haram then what should he do in that case, in this case, he should increase the fasting until he reaches the upper limit of fasting,
which is suyama faster day and Miss at a faster day and Mr. Day, faster day and miss a day until he finds that he has control of this desire.
And there are so many benefits we can take from this first Hadith. But before we do, so, we have to understand this term and financial ability. Because here is where many people go wrong, usually from the parents side. Because the parents, of course, every culture, and every group of people have an understanding of what it means to be financially able to get married. But one mistake that many parents make is they set the bar far too high.
You must have a permanent job, you must have a house that you own, you must have a car that you own, you must have been in your job for five years, you must have a more senior position in the company you must have you must have.
Whenever we oppose the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we are only going to bring upon ourselves hassle of loss, and a lack of Baraka in everything that we do. And this is what has happened in marriage. Now. If you want my opinion as to why the divorce rate is through the roof, because we don't marry according to the sooner
we force our children to wait
through a time when the shavon has the most power over them. The time when the blood is running through the veins, and they are wanting to go and do something. And the only halaal alternative they have, the parent says
abuddin, I block you from this
SubhanAllah. This is one of the worst things a parent can do. Because it is like
a flowing river or a tsunami that is coming. And if it doesn't go one way it will go the other, you either open the door to allow it to go through the halaal or voila, he will go to the heroin.
And if it goes to the Heron, then who is there to blame except that parent who closed the door for their son or daughter to get married in the permissible way. And then when their son or daughter goes into the Haram they say, yo, Elena Elena, how we wish this happen, how we wish this happened, or we should have they did they did do not close the door for your children. Now, that doesn't mean obviously that your kids can get married at 1516 years old, they have to be somewhat mature to handle it. But it certainly means that you should be thinking about it from an as soon as they reach adulthood. You should be starting to think okay, how am I going to work this? When am I going to
start looking start to talk to them about it. Because if the guy has some hope that Okay, my dad wants me to finish this particular phase of my education. I'll be sort of 19 years old. I have like, you know, I can fast and I can you know, I have something to look forward to. You know, I know that at this age, I'm going to start looking to get married. But as for the parent who says you're married at 25, you're married at 30. You're married at 27.
Then what is left for this individual. If they do not fall into the hierarchy, then this is nothing but the mercy of allies origin, but will lie as a parent, if you want to keep your children away from disgracing you in the sight of Allah in the sight of the people. And don't close the door to the halaal don't close the only halaal alternatives that they have. At least keep it as an option on the table. Now I know you know your 18 year old son
comes to and says, I want to get married, you know, as far as you're concerned, is a baby still, you know, it was just five years ago, he was a little baby. But you also have to recognize that desire within him, talk to him about it. encourage him. Okay, I don't think it's quite the right time. But why don't we talk about let's talk about next year you finish these exams you got coming up on next year. And we'll start looking, bearing in mind that the phase of starting to look may well take its own course of time, may take six months may take a year.
But what I said in advice to a brother who was asking me about this question, and I want to share this advice with you. It's better that you start looking early.
And then do sort of slowly and cautiously than it is for you to delay and then accept the first person who comes through the door. Because this is the law. This is the reality of what happens.
We delay, delay, delay, delay, the girl reaches 3035. Now it's a problem we struggling to find people who want to marry her. She's too old. How many children will she be able to have all the other stuff that people are talking about? The mother in laws don't want her as a daughter in law anymore?
So what do we do? We lower our standards. And we start saying, you know what it is that guy I know he shaves his beard and is always below his ankles. And he doesn't pray five times a day. But you know, he's a good guy in his heart he'll do.
Because we didn't start looking at the beginning.
If we started looking for this girl at 18, and it took us until she's 21. No problem. 22 no problem. 23. No problem. At least we started thinking about it from the moment she reached an adulthood. We started in our mind that okay, this is an event that is coming up. We need to phase this in. Education doesn't stop.
But look at the fitna. And look at the trials these young people go through at universities SubhanAllah. It's like being on a diet in a candy store.
And he Subhana Allah, you are in a place full of temptation.
And your parents are saying to you? No, no, no.
It's upon Allah is very, very tough. So parents need to think about this. There are options for you. And we will talk about these within Islam, like doing any car, and delaying or walima. For example, I not letting them live together for a time but doing any car. I know many brothers who did their new car while they were in university.
They did the new car while they were in university. But they did not live together with their wife until after they graduated. But they did Danica that is one option as an example. And we talk more about this later on. So really, we have to recognize, first of all the advice of the prophets is up to the Shabaab.
And we should say that this advice applies to young women as well as young men. But young women, young men are the primary direction for the advice, because they are the ones that you fear the most.
But no doubt those people who think that their daughters are, you know, wrapped up in cotton wool, until the moment comes of the deal. And then also, the parents need to open their eyes, they need to see what the children are being exposed to on TV, on the internet among their friends, discussions, etc. and your children are not as innocent as you think they are. And so you also need to be aware of this. And you also need to have this in your mind. So as a parent, I think the best advice you can take from this is to start thinking about marriage from the moment the child reaches adulthood. That doesn't mean you get married at that time. But you start to have it in your plan. Just like
when your child reaches five years old, you start thinking about their education at seven or eight years old, right? When your child is eight years old, you're thinking about their move to next school when they are 11 or 10 years old. You have this in your mind you don't wait until they're 11
to think about which school they will go to at 11. You start thinking about it early. So as soon as they are reaching adulthood, you should really be thinking about how am I going to manage this situation? And what kind of options are there for me to facilitate them through the halaal and not through the heart?
This is our first Hardee's.
As for our second Heidi, it is the Heidi's of Abu horae a lot of the A lot of women in Al Bukhari and Muslim
that he said Anna Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam animal called Tonka Hill model actually autobahn. Lima Lima what it has to be her family her family, Dini, half of Barbie that is Dean, teddy bear to duck
said, a woman is married for one of four things. A woman is married for one or four things for her wealth
for her has said, and has said is her family's reputation
and has had all the deeds of a person's ancestors. In Arabic, the word has had other deeds of a person's ancestors. So I'll pass up here is the family's reputation
legionary her for her beauty. While he Dini and for her religion, these are the four primary reasons that men marry women.
Either because of wealth, she's rich,
or either because of her family's reputation,
or either because of her beauty, or because of her religion.
Let us look at the first three and ask what do those first three actually do?
In terms of our you know, for us in terms of the stability of the marriage, let's say you marry a woman for her wealth, or you marry a woman marries a man for his wealth, wealth comes and goes, as those of you around in Dubai, the in 2008 will no doubt bear witness to wealth comes and goes. One day you have it one day you don't. So if your relationship in a marriage is built upon wealth, what do you do when the wealth goes?
The marriage falls apart, because there is nothing holding that marriage together other than a financial gain.
And this can be applied in another way and that are those that is regarding those people who pay extortionate amount of
an extortionate amount of
a dowry or a dour. They pay an extortionate amount.
What does it do? It sours the whole marriage, because everything is about wealth, how much is he going to pay? How much is she going to pay? Who's going to pay? How is it going to be, and the marriage falls apart, because the marriage is based upon dinar and Dirham.
And so either the man feels better, you know, so much money, and she just gives me a hustle all day, and she tells me what to do, and I'm just sick of it.
Or she has money. Now she doesn't give it to me, I don't have it. Or my parents are bugging me that they want her money or money creates problems when it is the basis of our marriage. What about lineage family background, this is something that Islam did not give, proper, or did not give it
the same attention to as we give it to today. And that is because a person even though family may play a part in a person, they certainly don't represent that person. In every way. What do you do if you find out that the woman you married is not like her.
You know, family members, her famous father or famous brother, famous sister, famous mother, she's not like them, she doesn't have their qualities. When you marry for family, your marriage does not become a marriage between husband and wife. It becomes a marriage between family and family. And this is the most evil.
This is a calamity. When a marriage becomes between family and family, this is a calamity.
Because all sorts of things happen because far too many people have their hand in the marriage. The marriage should be between the man and the woman, not between the mother in law and the daughter in law and not between the son in law and the mother in law. The marriage is between the couple. So if it's based upon family lineage, then for sure this can cause huge problems in the marriage. Especially if the person doesn't turn out to be like their lineage is wily. Generally her her beauty Finally, we found something that we can hold on to, or maybe not. Because beauty goes, people get bored. You know, people talk about in a Western sense, they talk about love going out of the
marriage, or they don't mean is love going out to the marriage, what they mean is desire going out to the marriage. They mean she's not as beautiful as she was 10 years ago. childbirth has taken its toll ages taking its toll weight gain has taken its toll, etc, etc, etc. All of those things. She's not the same beautiful woman that he married 10 years ago, five years ago. It's not stable. And what happens he starts to get a wandering eye again, and he starts to go off and maybe he falls into the Haram because his marriage is not based upon anything other than beauty.
And what also happens with this is he gets a
Beautiful Woman with terrible,
with terrible manners. So she doesn't help him. She doesn't listen to him. She doesn't whatever, she might be beautiful, but her beauty is on display for every man who lives in the apartment building.
And this is no, this is not going to lead to a successful marriage. She's got beauty, but she doesn't have chastity. She's got beauty, but she doesn't have higher than this is not going to be truly beautiful. In reality, this is like a trophy that a person shows off. But in reality, he's constantly worried about somebody stealing the trophy.
So this is not a stable marriage. What leads to a stable marriage, Father, the father, be that Dean?
Stick to the woman for her religion? Does that mean that we don't give any consideration to her family? Or her wealth? Or her beauty? Not necessarily. But it means that religion comes at the top of the list. Now, how do you get the parents earlier regarding closing the door to their kids for the harem, and now I get to have a dig of both the kids and the parents on the topic of what I want in a spouse. Some of the brothers have confused finding a spouse with seeing the total age and gender
and saw their list of the spouse that they are looking for. is a list voila, he you will not find it until you enter Jenna is Neela
she should be first of all tall.
Yeah, if you're talking about depending on the different cultures, and she should be fair,
she should have a degree but she should never have left the house full niqab. But she should also Danny be from this background she should have be very well educated all the rest. And then the parents start adding to that she has to be from this ethnic background, she has to be like this until what the guy is looking for is a blond haired blue eyed six foot Indian woman with a PhD that's never left the house.
challah with Allah.
But not in this dunya.
Set a sensible list. And the problem is now the problem is the list. This is the brothers list. Then the parents come. She has to be from this village and this family and it's getting worse I'm thinking the problem. And he said Pamela I won't say never maybe he will find the six foot blond haired blue eyed Indian girl with a PhD was never left the house. And maybe any let's not rock metal I was at the mercy of allies last. But then you add to this that she has to be from this village and this caste and this tribe and this place. And she has to speak this language and
what is left?
panel are nothing.
And so what happens, I'll tell you what happens in most cases, voila, Hawaii Mala. In most cases, what happens? The brother looks and the parents look. And they have some little arguments they don't find they don't find they don't find that brother gets older and older and older. What does he do? He starts crossing things off the list until the list comes with beating heart.
And that's about it.
and Subhanallah everything goes religion goes everything goes the first woman to walk through the door.
And this is the situation I've seen for many brothers while lying you laugh but will lie. It's very serious. I've seen for many, many brothers like this, that because the conditions were crazy in the first place. And then I say to the brother Okay, let's just imagine you find this woman. What makes you think she wants to marry you.
And after all of that she's just sat waiting for you. This is the hardest condition because this imaginary woman she has to be sat waiting for this exact guy who has no education.
Who has you know, not being watching his diet and his you know, waistline and all the rest of the other things and then he comes and says you must be waiting for me because you're the girl of my dreams. But you're not the boy of mine.
So these lists, we need to take them back down to planet earth
and keep them sensible. The first thing on the list should be Deen
religion and religion is the one you will not compromise on. Well I will come
All books I will compromise on family background I will compromise on caste I will compromise on tribe I will compromise on any anything.
But I will not compromise on religion.
I will not compromise on religion. Religion has to come first. And that means that religiously she has to take all of the boxes because that is the thing that lasts. That is the thing that builds a marriage that is real love. Why does it build a marriage of real love? Because Allah azza wa jal said women AR T and Kala Kala come in and foresee come as large and the test schooner la wa Jalla Bina Kumar Tiwari, ma Allah azzawajal said from the Ayat of Allah the signs of allies that he has created for you from yourselves wives, the test score no ha ha This is a beautiful term, the test cuando la ha to live with them and to find sakeena peace sukoon with them
the test como la ha that you live with them and you find Sakina with them, they make you feel peace, they make you feel content, you just look at them and you just your heart just settles and you feel all the stress of the day go away. This is how allies or gel describes that he put between you love and affection. Allah azza wa jal put love and affection, affection and mercy between these two people. When when the man
is what lasts and it gets stronger because they learn more they become closer to Allah, they become nearer to Allah, and so the love just becomes stronger and stronger and stronger. That is a marriage where you will find Sakina where you will find peace and you'll find happiness and you'll find tranquility. As for the marriage that is based upon looks, this is a high stress marriage.
Everyone is keeping up appearances first day you see oh without makeup, along Stan, all the love is gone.
The love in the marriage is equal to the amount of makeup she's wearing.
That is how the loving the marriage goes. But when is Dino in when the marriage is based upon.
The love in the marriage is solid and strong, permanently be eaten alive. As long as the couple are helping each other to worship Allah, then the love will be there and the love will be strong and the Sakina the peace and the tranquility will be there.
And the happy household the test kuno ha ha to live together in happiness and tranquility will also be be there when it is based upon the
after religion. What should come next? To understand what should come next we have to look at another Hadees
and this hadith is the hadith of our Hatem al Madani radi Allahu Akbar,
Allahu Kala Kala Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Elijah akun mentor Dona Dena who were who Luca who Frankie who, if you find the one who you are content with their religion, and their character, then marry your daughter to him. I'll come back to this Heidi, but I just want to take from it the second point character.
Because after religion, the next thing is not beauty after religion, the next standard that we hold ourselves or that we're looking for is character, because a really religious person with bad character is not going to lead to a stable and happy marriage, it has to be religion, and then it has to be character.
It has to be religion, and then it has to be character after character, then what do we look at?
Then I would say, we look at a broad term which I named compatibility. And by compatibility I refer to looks that the two couples are happy with how each other look, because you have to be attracted to your spouse. Otherwise, how is it going to stop you doing Zina? And let's be honest, let's call a spade a spade here. Marriage is there to stop you from going out with another woman. So if you're not attracted to your spouse, then there's going to be a fitna there is going to be a difficulty that but the good news is it is easy for a man and a woman to be attracted to each other. Allah azzawajal has made it easy for you to be attracted to your spouse. She doesn't have to be any
one of the you know these women that are known for their beauty, because beauty comes through also character as well. How many times have you seen somebody who you are impressive
With the way that they look, I mean, talk about men to men here and women to women, you are impressed by that you admire the way that they look. And they open their mouth, and you just think a lot less than.
It's true. Likewise, how many people you have seen who you don't think much of them, like, don't look to be much. But when they open their mouth, they become they have a very attractive personality, a very warming personality, they make friends very easily, they're very popular, think they don't look any all that they don't look so amazing. What is it that makes them so popular? So no doubt the personality also plays a part in that. So first comes religion. Second comes character, thirdly comes
compatibility. And by compatibility, we're talking about a number of different factors, the first factor is looks, they should be happy. That doesn't mean and again, that the heart the standard should be so high.
But that the person should be happy. should look and say, I'm happy. Yeah, I'm happy with that, you know, that is someone I feel that I can be attracted to. And that is why Islam legislates for the couple to look at one another. And we'll talk about that in a few moments in shoreline, maybe about 10 minutes.
So we're talking about looks, after that. Also general compatibility, General compatibility within the person themselves. That can be what do you want to do in the future? What are your sort of position on certain issues of importance? How many children do you want to have? These kinds of things? These are key things. Why? Because these match compatibility, yes, you can find the person of excellent religion, you can find a person of excellent character. But the woman she says, look, you know, my ideal would be to have two kids, and the guy wants a cricket team.
So now there is an area where it's nothing to do with religion.
It's nothing to do with religion. I mean, the the woman is religious, and she is she has good character. But there is a compatibility issue in what the two want.
Now at this point, people usually talk about culture and compatibility.
Now, I do agree that culture can play a part in compatibility. But I don't think it's a must that culture must play a part in compatibility. This is wrong, where people say she must be from your culture, your tribe, otherwise you will not be compatible. That is just simply not true. And it goes against the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam completely, that, you know, if she is not from my people, or from my race, or my you know, skin color or language, then we will not be compatible. That is not true. But certainly when there is a difference between the two people in age, in culture, in language, in whatever, so you should be just careful that the compatibility is
there, not that you should disregard it and say, well, they're both Muslim. But you should just be careful that the compatibility is there. And there's no reason why it shouldn't be. And I think this is the best way to join between the opinions of the scholars, those who say it's preferred to marry within a certain culture and those who say that it is not the way to join is to say, there is nothing to stop a person marrying outside of their culture. In fact, from the point of preventing Zina many people are more attracted to people outside of their culture than they are two people within their within their culture, right? People are more attracted to people outside.
So why not? but just be careful. At the same time, be careful because there were events that happened at the time of the Prophet sighs Allah between them for hygiene and the answer, getting married to one another, where there were some misunderstandings, and these came about through some misunderstandings in the different cultures between the two groups. So at the end of the day, if there is a culture difference between the spouses, then just make sure that it's not a compatibility issue. Make sure that they both understand and they're happy that it's not a compatibility issue. Other than that, there's no reason for culture to play a part.
We come back to this Hadeeth
Elijah accom mentor alone Idina, hula, hula hoop Anki Whoa. If you come to
or if a person comes to you, as a father, to seek your daughter's hand in marriage, and you are happy with his religion and his character, then marry her to him. Illa teff idol, taekwon pfitzner twin fell out of the facade. If you do not do this, there will be a great trial on the earth and corruption. While I called sada Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he told the truth while lying. Look at the corruption the facade on this earth because we no longer
Apply this Heidi's the guy comes. Jani. I've seen some terrible rejections. First of all, it's very hard for a person to approach someone's father for marriage. It's easier for him to go out with a girl than it is for him to approach the Father.
That is the reality of how we have become in our society. It's easier for him to go on a date with the girl than it is for him to speak to the father about marriage.
And that is really sad.
The Father, what do you want with my daughter? How do you know my daughter? And if you don't open the hell out, he will go to the harem. And then you will have nothing else no one else to blame. Again, it should be not like this. And then I've seen some terrible things. I remember when I was looking to get married. You know as a revert. To start with everyone loves a revert to begin with. And you know, is a revert. Bring him to the house. Give him food, say nice words to him.
Uncle you have a daughter of marriageable age and I'm thinking of getting married.
Yeah, you know, I don't think she wants to get married right now.
All of them one by one by one. You guys, sister who's a marriageable age. And I'm sort of thinking of getting married. What do you think?
thought my parents will never agree.
Why we feed the river. We are kind to the river we give food to the river but we don't marry them to our daughters.
Because his skin is the wrong color.
What's what is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam say, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said in an authentic hadith, if anyone proudly asserts his ancestry in the manner of the pre Islamic people, then tell him to bite on his father's private parts.
This is what the prophet SAW Selim said, Tell him to bite on his father's private parts. Why that's where he came from. If he's so proud of it, let him bite on it.
So authentic Hadees in Muslim Imam Ahmed and others from the Hadith of the Prophet sighs lm narrated from multiple chains, the profit sighs I'm save you say so see someone showing up their ancestry, their skin color and their race and their ethnicity. Like the people of jack Haley Go and tell him to bite on his father's private parts. Because that's where he came from.
That's the place where that person came from. So if he has that much Iza and this is where it comes from. This is where his honor comes from. It's not from Islam. When this giant area that the Muslims will not leave where you know some holla I'll give the brother Salaam in the masjid. But the brother skin is too dark to marry my daughter
is not from Islam. This is Isaiah Hillier. This is the call of Jahangir.
The Companions married black to Arab, Arab to black, white, whatever, they married one another without concern.
Bilal rhodiola and married a woman from koresh from the nobles of
a former slave from hairbrush and he married from the nobles of kurush while the Allahu taala and water now we say yes, yes, I totally agree. But when the same person from the same country comes for your daughter yeah i agree for but not for my daughter.
This is hypocrisy. This isn't the Falcon family not new Falcon your Akita but new Falcon your actions that you say you agree with this, but then when it comes to practice, you don't practice it.
The end of the day, if you are happy with that person's religion, and you are happy with that person's character, then the Prophet sighs haven't commanded you to marry your daughter to him.
The companion said, You're Rasul Allah in Cana fee. What about if there is something about him? You know, what about there's something there? I don't like the prophets lie. Selim repeated his statement in our jar komentar alone Edina who were hodaka hufa Anki, who,
three times he said it. They said what about you know, maybe there is something in him that you know, maybe he's from the wrong place, or the wrong race or the wrong skin color or the wrong line lineage or the wrong people or whatever. The prophets, I send them repeated three times, marry her to him, marry her to him, marry her to him.
Subhan Allah, marry her to him, marry her to him, marry her to him.
So we need to leave this characteristic of javeria
with regard to our children, if they want to marry who they want to marry, and we are happy with that person's religion and their character, and we are broadly happy with the compatibility between them on an Islamic scale, an Islamic measurement and not on our own Jah helia that we don't think that black are compatible with white or that Arabic compatible with Asian or whatever. This is yahaya. But on the Islamic scale, we're happy that there is compatibility between them. They want
roughly the same things, they have the same kind of like likes or whatever, and they have the same kind of hopes for the future. Then we marry them and we do not object. And the saddest thing is I see so many parents, the parents visit the sins of their parents upon their own children. Their parents did not allow them to marry who they wanted to marry. And you would think they would learn that lesson and allow their children to marry within Islam who they wanted to marry in a halal way. But instead know they turn into their parents. You hear them in their Shabaab, they are so against it, we should stop this Jay Hillier this evil we have to stop we have to change we have to be
different. They reach 40 years old, their kids look to get married and they turn into their parents. Exactly. Normal you know that you have to marry in the culture you have to marry from our village you have to marry from our family jar here. The same jar heylia that the prophets I seldom said about what he said. It's such a serious thing. So we've gone we've covered many of the criteria. One more criteria mentioned by the prophet sighs lm tears. Oh, where do I do dude? lol. So from the woman side, she should be happy with his religion and his character.
wealth. Wealth comes from Allah, Allah will enrich him. sure if he doesn't have enough money to live she can raise that as a concern. And she can say no.
But in general, wealth is not the consideration that people give it. Job is not the consideration that people give it. The consideration in the Sunnah is his religion and his character. Then after that, broadly general compatibility. As for the man, there is some further advice to wear jewelry why dude, alpha. Alpha dude is a woman who is loving and caring. In her nature. She is very caring and soft and loving. She has a very loving personality, and alibi lewd is the woman who will bear many children. How do you know I'm sure there are many children. By January looking at her family at her wishes. She wants to have a lot of kids, her family, her sisters are married elder sisters, they
have a lot of kids. You know, her aunts and her mother had, you know, a lot of kids example something like this, any culture and family background that she is going to bear you many children. Because the Prophet said, find Nemo Catholic and become an omen. I'm going to show off your numbers to the other nations, I'm going to be proud of your large numbers on the day of judgment in front of the other nations.
So we have criteria.
And we have an understanding of what should we should be looking for.
We'll recap we begin with religion and that we never compromise on then we look at character. Why is character so important? If a man has good character, he will treat that lady well, even if there are problems between them, he will treat her well. If a lady is caring, she will treat her husband well even if there are some arguments between them because in her nature, she is very caring and loving.
So that character has an important part to play. Then you have issues of compatibility.
Things like looks where they want to be in the future, their ideas about certain key issues, children etc. And they they feel that they are on the same page. And then you have the other considerations. And then you have the other considerations. So now we've understood what Islam tells us now we need a practical understanding of how we go about getting this.
How do we first of all go about looking and then when we find how do we go about
In terms of looking
I think that there is a there is a problem or a difficulty. And the difficulty is that any woman that you would want to marry, you will not be able to see from her before your marriage. I when she's in the street or when she is you know engaged in in an event or in a place you will not be able to see from her that which will encourage you to marry her because the very nature of her HIA will not allow you to see that from her. Her hire will not allow her hire will veil her so much you would not come to know she is there.
So how would you get to marry her that
if we want the gold standard if we want you know the woman of hire, then we will not be able to find her because their height is going to bury her away from where we can't see. And any woman that you become attracted to walking down the street because of her may
And her perfume and whatever, she's not worth marrying in the first place, because she's not a woman of Deen. And she's not a woman of good character. So she's not worth marrying in the first place.
So we have a musket here, how do we get over this, I think there are a few things, I think the first thing is to tell people who are likely to be able to help you find. Now in our day and age, we're not living in the time of the Sahaba, where it's easy for people just to approach other people about marriage. To be honest, it's pretty tough. People don't like it, they get embarrassed. So my recommendation is not to approach a father directly. But to use an intermediary, to have someone in the middle who if the father wants to reject, he can feel comfortable to reject, and that person will take the blow for you. And if he is happy, then he will, you know, he will approach he's not
scared to say. So you look for someone who is likely to help. Maybe you know, you know, this person knows a lot of people this Auntie knows a lot of girls who are looking to get married this song. So you know, and you start putting the word out I'm looking to get married. And you put together something about yourself like a little a little background, age job where you are what you know, just a paragraph about yourself doesn't have to be an essay. And you can give to people looked at I'm looking to get married and there is a contact details they can get in touch inshallah, if they find someone and you have people going out looking for you, like an agent who looks for an apartment
for a year, you have somebody going out there who is who knows where all the apartments are knows where the good apartments aren't, shows you where they are. So you have a marriage agent. Someone who knows the girls that are looking to get married knows the guy is looking to get married, doesn't know them, like northern northern, because that would again be no higher, but knows of them knows of families who are looking to get their daughter married knows of brothers who are looking to get married. So that person is able to facilitate sometimes you get a husband and wife team. The husband knows the brothers and the wife knows the sisters. And they between the two of them, they can sort
out marriages for people. No problem. The second beneficial way I personally find is to use a good reliable Islamic website. Now I don't know what they have over here in Dubai. But in the UK, something like pure maths coda UK and some of these others. And like there's a lot of hire, there's no photos, there's no video chatting, there's no text chatting. It's just a collection of profiles. Nothing more than that. And basically you put your criteria, your preferably not your photo in criteria, you put your criteria, and they put their CVS and you put your CVS online, and the web engine searches through and develop, you know, find some possible matches. And then they give you
the email of the Wally, the girls Wiley and you can basically involve it from there. So that is one also very, very good way.
Events are fine for meeting brothers, brothers, two brothers. But I do not ever recommend an event where brothers meet sisters. This is for sagen fitna, and this is not Islam, where brothers meet sisters. Rather, the event should be where brothers meet brothers. You know, I love a marriage event where brothers meet brothers. I'm looking to get married, okay, I've got a daughter looking to get married, I've got a sister looking to get married, I've got an uncle looking to get married, I've got a nice looking to get married, and so on and so forth where brothers meet brothers. And likewise, my sisters meet sisters, plenty of Auntie's there with sons looking to get married and
sisters there. No problem, but not an event where brothers and sisters meet each other. Because there is no higher in this there is no Dean in this. Like I said, I highly recommend when you take it to the next step, that you use an intermediary.
Because it can be very embarrassing. You hear about a girl maybe you know, your best friend has a sister. And you've heard good about her she's practicing. She's always seemed to be a person of hire. Whenever she has answered the door answered the phone, she's done. So with full hire, and you know, you, you know, you think that you know, this would be a good marriage for you. But you don't want to ruin the relationship between you and your best friend. So how do you approach it, get a third party to ask on your behalf? Or law? You know, I was just thinking he doesn't have to mention about the guy. I was thinking, you know, you know, that friend of yours. He wants to get married and
your sister's looking to get married? Why don't you think about him? Well, I never thought about him before. So Pamela, that's a good idea. Then he can introduce instead of that, you know, that embarrassment of you having to go to that friend and say, you know, I really want to marry your sister. And then, you know, he just
gives you glad tidings with his hand Danny.
And so this is not good. It's embarrassing. It's difficult, and I've heard some horrible, horrible rejection stories.
Any like I've heard stories of people being told Tao of my house and come back when you're somebody and when you're somebody you
To old, and like horrible rejection stories. So definitely using an intermediary, especially someone who has a bit of a position in the community, maybe someone who has a bit of respect elderly person or a more, you know, someone has a respect in the community known to both parties, or if it's a friend of yours, a third party friend who goes and just introduced the topic without any embarrassment to either party, that can also be very good. From here, we need to talk just in the next five minutes or so.
inshallah, before we go to the Salah,
let's say we found someone and we've made that initial approach, if it's online, I recommend the initial approach is again, brother to brother, sister to sister, not brother to sister, but that the brother gets in touch with the welly or with the uncle, or with the whatever, you know, with the family member.
And likewise, with a personal approach, I recommend that the first meeting his brother to brother, sister to sister,
what should be the purpose of that first meeting, as a wellI. That man is guiding his daughter or his charge this woman under his care from that which will harm her. He's basically a gatekeeper, a glorified security guard. She is there, it's she's making the decision about the marriage. He's not making the decision about the marriage, she is making the decision about the marriage. But he is there to make sure that the people she has to choose from are good people for her in her Deen and her character. So the wealthy is not there to force the girl to marry the well he is there to help her to make the choice she wants to make, to bring good people for her to make a choice. So she
sends him out with a job. I want this kind of guy with this kind of looks this kind of situation, this kind of background, whatever, go and find me. So like we do for all our you know, the women who are under our care, we say somewhere in our Atlanta, we hear and we obey. And then off we go looking for the right person for this daughter or niece or whoever she is.
Of course the welly it should be the girl's father in every circumstance unless he is a disbeliever. Or there is some other reason to block him, in which case it should be the Muslim judge who takes the responsibility of being the wedding. But in any case, the way he
has that job of going out and looking and being a gatekeeper, she can still find herself she can look on the internet, she can look etc. She can ask other Auntie's is your you know, one Auntie recommended one brother for me, will you go and meet him? So he goes, he's like the agent for her. He goes, and he meets a guy, what should he asked him in the beginning? First of all, we want to find out about his religion, we want to find out about his madness.
You can ask him, you can meet with him, sit with him, get to know him, find out about him. And then you can ask other people about him. And when it comes to this, you are not allowed to tell a lie. If you know something bad about the individual, you should say what you know about them in full and there is no backbiting when it comes to this issue of marriage. So you find out then you approach issues of compatibility. until this point, he hasn't met the girl. But the well he is basically just filtering. Because it's not nice for that girl to see 15 people, 20 people, all of them come and stare at her and say, No, no, no, she doesn't want to go and live abroad, I want to live in Medina,
and she doesn't want to live in Medina and they go then the next one comes and says, No, you know, she wants to live in here. I don't want to live I want to live in Riyadh. And you know, it just keeps going. That's not nice. The way he should be acting like an agent on her behalf. Not making the choice for her but taking her choices from her that she has communicated to him and filtering them, you know, saying right, you know, that one doesn't really match that one doesn't match that one's not what she's looking for. Right? This guy looks good. Okay, does she have any questions she wants to ask? Nope. Then arrange the meeting, then arrange the meeting. And at that meeting, you
know, he can look at her. And he can start to find, you know, they can start to make something more commitment. But I don't recommend you open the door for everyone who has a proposal to come and look at her. But instead you just have a meeting with them prior to that, whereby you just filter out those people who might not be suitable at all because of whatever reason she did. She said she doesn't want someone from this background. She's not attracted to someone from this background. She doesn't want someone who has this kind of job that he has to work too long. She doesn't want someone who does it who wants to live abroad or whatever.
So she, you you go and you start to filter. And then you bring the people that she is actually interested in and that there is already a base compatibility there. And she goes through the same process of religion, character and then the
compatibility issues looks and so on and so forth, making the esta hora seeking the help of Alliance origin. And that's not to see a dream. That's not to have a feeling that's simply to ask Allah that whatever is good for me make it happen. Whatever is good for me make it happen. And so this is the basic process. Now no doubt this is a long topic and indeed it's one that is hard to cover and we have to break now for Salah. I will come back after Salah inshallah, because I haven't taken any questions. So I'm more than happy to come back after Salah izany later on, and we'll go over some q&a. But that's optional for the ones who want to come the ones who are busy, I have no problem in
Sharla. And even if only a couple of people come live questions, it's entirely up to you. But basically, I've covered what I wanted to say that we understand these basic Heidi's, we understand that young people should be getting married and should not be prevented from getting married. We understand the alternatives. If a young person can't get married, we understand that financial
ability doesn't mean that they have to have a job, a high paid job and a call and be a director of a firm, it just means that they should be able to support the kind of woman they're looking for. If you want to marry a princess, you got to be a prince. And if you want to marry you know you want to marry anyone who's practicing the deen, then I'm sure you can find a lady who does not have the same standard of financial requirements as a princess, for sure. And this is sensible. So financial requirements are not that you have to have a job in a house and a PhD, but just that you have to be have some sort of plan of how you're going to support that woman. And as we said, one of the options
in this and it's the last point I'll talk about is to be a little flexible with any gap because my final piece of advice is do the car early. As soon as the decision is made to the nikka.
Do the kneecap Well, I do not let seven days go without doing any guy.
Because so much harm happens after the kneecap or before the kneecap is done in the engagement period between quotes, what we call the engagement period, a lot of harm happens there. So don't let that harm happen. Do the Nika and then if there's a need to delay the walima because of you know, she's at university, she has one year left, let them there man and wife, they can do whatever they want. They can go out together, they can meet together, they can do whatever they want. Because the ninja is done. There is no engagement in Islam. There is only Nigar onica. So my recommendation is to save your children from harm. Don't allow them to do everything halaal and then fall into haram
at the last hurdle. Get the ninja done quickly. And don't delay. And then if the Wm is done quickly, this is the Sunnah. And if the Lima is delayed, then there is no harm there's nothing Haram in delaying it, should there be a need? I would certainly rather you know two people that meet at university and want to marry that they do the Nika and at least the husband and wife then rather they go out together for five years and then do any guy and you have to think about the situation we live in today. And so hopefully this is answered some questions and hopefully the q&a will catch up whatever we were not able to mention. So inshallah we'll see you guys after salado, Asia for those
of you who want to come, you're more than welcome in sha Allah, Allah wa Sallim wa barik along with UConn
subhanak along will be handed a shadow Allah in a
couple of good questions or a couple of issues to raise before we begin.
The first one is that one of the brothers raised the issue of whether it is permissible to see a woman without her hijab.
So in this I will say the scholars differed in two opinions. Some of the scholars said that what you are permitted to see other face and hands, ie hijab, niqab. And some of them said, What is permissible to see is to see her without her hijab
with certain conditions, the conditions for seeing her without the hijab would be first of all, that the brother believes that the marriage is going to go ahead.
ie that there is nothing else stopping not that he hasn't decided he wants to look at this one without hijab and that one without hijab, but that he genuinely believes the marriage is going to go ahead. There's nothing to stop it but he wants to see her without hijab.
He should be sincere. He should only look for the time that is necessary. And he should see her without any adornment not with makeup, not with her hair done often I have nothing like that just simply with like a regular like a buyer or her like regular modest house clothing. And just as she is that is for those who take the opinion that it is permissible for him to see her
That way. And I think this is down to the way to make that decision. If he feels comfortable with that I personally feel comfortable with it, I don't have a problem. It's the marriage is, you know, it should not be the first step that every guy that walks through the door sees her without hijab. But if it has gone far enough, and he wants to see her without hijab, and he feels that there is a need for that, then I don't have a problem with that. And I think that is broadly compatible with Heidi's of jabber, Abdullah rhodiola and Houma that he hid in weight, looking at a woman until he saw that which was enough to encourage him to marry her, and the Prophet sighs I'm approved of it.
So I don't see a problem with him doing that. But again, it should be with its full conditions. So it should not be the first thing that is done, where the first time the guy walks through the door, everyone gets to see her without hijab, she should not be adorned makeup or anything like that with or without hijab, she should be plain as she is. And he should genuinely believe that there is nothing to stop the marriage going ahead. He should not, you know, be like sneaking to look at a princess in a palace, you know, because I want to marry her but then you don't believe that marriage is going to go ahead. Therefore, it's not permissible for him to do so. And only when he believes
the marriage will go ahead, and he doesn't see any objection to the marriage going ahead, then at this point, inshallah he can see her without hijab with the permission of the welly. And that is to be safer, it is safer to seek the permission of the wedding in this regard. So he seeks the permission of the wedding. And if the way he's okay with that, that's fine. And if the way he doesn't agree with that,
then in that case, he can suffice himself with looking at her face and hands, even in this case, she should not have makeup, and he should not look at her for any longer than he needs to make his decision as to whether he wants to marry her or not.
With regard to websites, be careful, names are very similar. The number of wedding websites that begin with pure is quite a lot to me is pure, matrimony pure, much probably pure marriage and a whole load of other ones [email protected] and all the rest. So be a little careful that they are not all the same. But I'm basically recommending any marriage website, which is a section, which is essentially a collection of CDs, and a way to search through them rather than a live way to talk to between brothers and sisters, just simply a selection of, you know,
attributes, characteristics of a person likes, dislikes, etc, that you search through. And I you know, I really genuinely believe that this is as I said to one of the brothers just a few moments ago, this is Aslam, it is safer. Because Subhanallah, even in the physical events, you know, haram does happen, you know, things do get out of hand. But Subhanallah, the websites are really a blessing from Allah, if it's done in the right way. For, especially for the sisters who don't get much of a chance to really, you know, go out and meet brothers and things like that. But you know, she can have a good look through profiles on the website and select some that are of interest. And
the way that most of the websites work is if someone is interested in your profile.
For the woman, the well he gets an email, and then the well you can ask her and if she gives her permission, he can say she's happy back. And then from there, they can share emails between the Wali and the guy, and so on and so forth. So it doesn't need to go any further than that inshallah. So let's take some of the questions. I'm not planning on keeping you very long.
If a man prefers
cultural rather than religious mix, gathering music, and is scared of Islamic talks, are they preferable for marriage? No, then of course, this person is not suitable for marriage at all. Because they're not a person of religion. If they prefer culture over religion, then they're not a person of religion. If they prefer mix gatherings, then they're not a person of religion. If they like music, they're not a person of religion. And if you're scared of going to Islamic talks then and
that also is an indication that something is not right.
I have taken a whole lot. I am divorced from my husband. We didn't care and at the time my brother investigated about him and found the guys involved in haram activities. After confronting him my brother decided to give him a chance because he promised He will not be involved. But he's still involved in on that basis. I have taken a puller now after a few days we have a hearing so should I give him a second chance or consider with the Hola. His mother is very sick or due to an accident before this issue started. I think the first thing is there's a lesson in this for those who want
To get married, that I was also trying to a brother about this, you can't take somebody on a word. And I don't recommend this. If someone is saying I'm not practicing Islam, give me a chance I would say, Okay, I will give you a chance before then you can start practicing Islam for a few months before the new guy, and I will not you know, I will not marry my daughter to anyone else. And he you start practicing and we'll see. But otherwise, you know, do not say to them after the nega will give you a chance.
They should be given the chance before then he can not after the nega. And as in this case, I think it's very difficult to answer this question and say, yes, you should take the hell out or not. But if the person is not willing to change, and they have stuck to these activities and this harem and they have not shown any sign of changing then they are from those people who would be fitting to seek a break from. But I think this is more complicated than you can really answer in a short question.
Should marriage be taken on the basis of age? Is it compulsory for the husband to be five or 10 years older than the wife? It's certainly not compulsory, nor is it a swinger. The Companions married at all different ages.
There is some extra laugh about the Prophet Solomon Khadija rhodiola, and her one of the reports say that the prophet SAW SLM was older than Khadija. And one says that Khadija was older than the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi wasallam.
Under In any case, the companions married without a great concern over age, does that mean that age should be given no concern, like I said, it comes under compatibility. If there's an age gap, or the husband is younger than the wife, just make sure there's not going to be any compatibility issues, just as a you know, making sure that there's nothing you think is going to crop up there. But there's no shadow a reason to prevent it. And also, this is this is one of these cultural practices that has no basis in Islam, where people say the girl is one year older than the husband, she's not suitable for him Why?
And who said nothing except some culture that was probably taken from the non Muslims in the first place. However, and if there is a concern, if the guy's a lot older, or the work woman is a lot older, and the Guardian can just make sure, are you sure this is okay, you know, you're you're happy with the age gap, you don't think it would be a problem. And once they made sure the compatibility is there, they can go ahead and show. Okay.
What you have to say to those who feel that we should wait and know the opposite
person before hurrying into marriage? What if after marriage, it turns out not to be the right person. This is a misconception. If this if it is done properly, according to the Islamic way, this will already have been checked before the people get married.
The problem is two things. Number one, we've been very influenced by the West. And this concept of Mr. Right? You know that that for every woman there is that person who is her lifelong soul mate, you know who she is just waiting to come across at a bus stop, who she will fall madly in love with marry and live with forever after. This is the kuffaar this is not our way, rather, with our way, is a sensible system based upon sensible measures to find the right person. And if you base it upon religion, and you base it upon character, and you check those things beforehand in Word, and you have asked the basic questions about compatibility, then what is there left to find out that they
are the right person. And if the job has been done right beforehand, then getting to know the person, this is not something permissible in Islam. Rather, in Islam, you have two options which are permissible and I don't see there is a third, number one, you do all of your due diligence beforehand, which is what should be done. And number two, you do your due diligence beforehand. And if necessary, if the person is really scared about it, then let them do the car and let them leave a little time to get to know one another with any car done. Now, this is not the normal way of Islam. The normal way of Islam is to do the nica live together as a married couple have the wedding. But
it's still permissible. If there needs to be a delay between the neck and the walima. For certain circumstances, then there's nothing haram about it. There's nothing evil about it, but it's not the sun. The sun needs to do the niganda wedding. If it was good enough for the Sahaba it's good enough for us. But you've got to do your due diligence before the marriage and you don't get to know the person because then the bond comes and a lot of haram comes after that.
Please advise expert sisters who live alone here and don't have a maharam who can we take as a meeting with the guy as a wedding? No one is a wedding that doesn't work as a wedding.
She may take someone reliable as a what's the word as a
an agent as a guide.
As a as someone to help, but the wellI is only the one is a shadow a matter it's not the woman has no to sort of she has no choice. In the valley, the valley is hoekman shadow a, it is a shadow a ruling that the well he is the father and if not the father the way he is, as the prophets, I seldom said an early human level era. I am the welly of the one who has nobody. I either Well, he is the Muslim judge, or the one in the position of the Muslim judge. Now, obviously, the Muslim judge is not going to go with the sister to find guys only for her. So in this case, she should find someone reliable not to go with her. Because this would be her on between them. There is no relation and the
guy himself could marry her. But, for example, to act on her behalf, so she maybe contacts his wife, and his wife speaks to him and says, Go and find for this sister, how is this guy recommend etc. And then it is the judge's decision. In the end? As the Prophet slice lm said
how do you take rejection of a proposal again and again for baseless reasons like age, skin, color, culture, etc. to make you reach a point you're emotionally traumatized, and then you lose the wish to get married? Well, I this is one lie, he is an evil, an evil evil thing, and will lie he if it were not that I saw.
If it were not that I saw that Allah azzawajal had taken the Baraka from these people will lie I would have made against them for a lot to take the Baraka from them. Because these people are calm, so they're an evil people. They're an evil people will lie and the people who reject based on these things, they are the worst of the people of Jehovah. And they have the worst of the attributes of Jah helia in the attributes of our garb, racism, tribalism, nationalism, and all of this rubbish. This is not Islam. These people are people of Jamelia and will lie I have experienced it in my own life. And I've experienced it after that with many other people. I realized oh, God blessed me that
it was not a concern for me. Alhamdulillah but it did hurt at the time. Yeah, for sure. Yanni, I had a lot of comments made a lot of things said, and I'll be honest, I though I had a you know, a family say no respectful family will ever give their daughter to him.
And this is what they said about me that no respectful family will ever give their daughter to him. No family with any shame will ever give their daughter to him. Why? Because he's English.
And this is the mentality of some people. We say to them, and you will see on the Day of Judgment, when Allah azza wa jal will judge between me and you have what we differ about
Subhan Allah, and this is anything other than the height of jaha Leah.
And I've seen it for many people worse than what I actually I experienced just a touch and then handle I got married. And I never experienced anything like that from my wife's family or anything but from other people. And then they saw my they met my wife and she said, I wish I had you as a daughter in law. You know, I wish I didn't have my daughter in law. And our handler, Allah azza wa jal gave her any what she deserved. What I have no more Abu Qatada and your Lord does not oppress anyone. But somehow I look at the mentality of people look at the way people talk. These people will lie here I have so much hatred for them, for the sake of Allah while I hate them for the sake of
Allah. And they are an evil evil people. And the people who are closer to Jai Hillier than they are to Islam, that they would make these kind of statements, and that they would reject people and give people a terrible rejection because of their skin color or because of their race or because of something else.
And Hamdulillah, Allah azzawajal will provide you with better business later Allah and there's no concern over this. And I say don't lower yourself to their level and don't go on back. Allies. So a gel will give you much, much better leave them in Nigeria
and allies so a gel will give them what they deserve.
So I say Stefan, I leave them and it is no hair are handed out lies. Oh, God will give you many, many times better. Yeah, I saw one brother. He was from,
like an African background. And he was not i don't think i think he was. I recall he was maybe British born in Britain, but he was from anyways, he was from African background. And he went to propose completely halaal did everything as he should. And he got such a hard time and he got told get out of the house and whatever. Why because of his skin color, nothing else. This is jaha leave them to what they have chosen, and you will see on the Day of Judgment who will come in the sight of Allah
and it's upon Allah and and how people will come into sight of Allah. This is nothing but generally we say to people, it's very hard to bear
have suffered with it, have severe analyzer gel will give you better be in the light and don't beg them. Don't lower yourself to the level where you go with your handout and beg, rather, they should come begging from you.
And if they don't, then Alhamdulillah, Allah azza wa jal has much, much more than he can give you. And I think this is a general advice I give to people don't become hooked upon one woman, or one man.
While I give you this sincere advice, do not become hooked. Some people get hooked, like the western concept of love on one woman, I have to marry her. Her dad is not agreeing, I have to find a way her dad is still not agreeing, I have to find a way.
Not really, I mean, leave it confined there, Allah azza wa jal has given many, many, many created many, many women on this earth, many, many men on this earth, you will find better, inshallah, don't become so hooked on an individual in this way that you have to follow it and you lower yourself and disgrace yourself and degrade yourself in front of others. In order to get that one person, this is closer to the edge. And insane insanity when it comes to love, that a person you know falls in love to the level of insanity. And they, you know, start doing things that are not sensible, that align. So a gel has made plenty of people to get married to. So if you don't find it from one, then go and
look from others in Sharla. And the earth of all lies plenty big enough for you to find the life.
What if you're ready, or the men in your family don't look for you to get married or encourage you as a female? What do you do?
I think your first port of call is to discuss this with them. And quite severely, you know, quite put your foot down and insist and even take active steps to you know, to to push them into it. I think they should be the first port of call get their friends, their family to talk to them, try and talk to another family member who can convince them.
If in the end, it reaches the level of alcohol and alcohol
in the Sherry
is preventing a girl from getting married by using your authority over her to prevent her from getting married, then this person has no right to be overly rather she should go to the court to the Muslim judge. And she should complain of alcohol and the Muslim judge will take the right of the welly away from the male family members and take it into his own right. And I don't know about the system here. But this is what should happen in this area. And if it comes to the point where he is preventing her from getting married, and he is preventing her from looking for a husband, and he's not taking his responsibility seriously, the first time is to talk to him, then to get someone else
to talk to him and to try and encourage him. And if after the summer this doesn't work, then the position is you go to the judge and you complain about Apple, and the judge will force him to either do his job or take his job away from him and take it on himself. And this is the biggest complaint we used to have in the Sharia court when we did in the UK. With regard to marriage, one of the biggest complaints we used to have is that other people, as Eliza says prodata our ohana, a Ghana as well, john, do not stop them from marrying their husbands, I don't stop them from marrying those people who they want to marry or who they, you know, have found to marry. And if it turns out, the
person is doing this, then the lady has every right to ask for that. Well, he to be forced by the judge or to ask the judge to take the responsibility away from that wedding.
If a state is not covered, due to parents, or because she's new to Islam, is it okay if she promises to cover after marriage?
I can't give you an answer that fits every circumstance. But I would warn you to be very, very careful, very, very careful. The first reason is that you have no guarantee you have nothing to guarantee that this sister because she is you know not covering now that she will start covering after marriage or she will not go back to how she is before.
And I would say that she needs to start covering before marriage otherwise, I don't think you should
consider her to be ready to marry at this time. I think there are two different circumstances the one who says my parents prevent me, then parents are not a reason for you to disobey Allah. And he rather okay. There are some extreme circumstances where her parents are not Muslim and they beat her. And she is forced to uncover and she covers when she is away from them. She has to go out of the house and just cover when they're not looking and go. This is fine because this is an extreme circumstance. But as for the woman who is you know, the shavon is just whispering and she's saying, Well, my dad doesn't like it and I don't I don't want to upset him that I don't think you should
marry this woman. As for the new Muslim, then the new Muslim has many areas of marriage which are different for new Muslims is very important.
Marrying new Muslims is a big challenge. While I married new Muslims is not easy, it's a big challenge. And too many people do it for the wrong reason, they seek to marry a new Muslim, because they're very attracted to their ethnicity or their, you know, culture or whatever. But Subhanallah, many times these women, or men have a lot of baggage with them, and a lot of difficulty. Now, I'm not saying they should not be married, of course, they should be married. But two things I don't advise, I don't advise that the day the person becomes Muslim, they get married.
Yeah, I don't advise this, let her or him take their time to learn Islam a little to become comfortable in Islam, and then to get married, unless there is an extraordinary circumstance, which would dictate it, I don't think it should be a case of getting them married quickly.
They don't have any How is the new Muslims supposed to judge who is good to marry and who is not? For them, Islam is good, everything is good. So it's, they need time to develop before they're married. And also the person who marries them has to be willing to have somebody with all of those issues. You know, Subhanallah, I had one, you know, case, really tough case. And I'll be honest with you, without generalizing any, a lot of times, it was people, men from
sort of Arab speaking or Arabic speaking, are men marrying English women.
We used to have so many problems with this, why he would marry her for her beauty for her whatever he you know, he wants to marry someone from that, like, who looks like in that way. But then after that, he would say she's not a good Egyptian woman. You know, she doesn't cook for me, she's not a good Egyptian woman. She doesn't respect me. She doesn't obey me.
But I mean, this is her where she came from this is her background. So now, she obviously needs time to develop into that. And you have to be willing to take the the good and the bad to tell him to take the rough and smooth. And you can't say I want to marry this lady. And she's just become Muslim. And I'm not willing to accept the fact that she might have had previous relationships before she was married, before she was Muslim, that she might not have been covered properly, that she might not be
sort of the same way as a person raised in Islam as a wife would be that she might not be willing to be a housewife, she might not be willing to cook and clean for you. And you have to take the good with the bad and the rough with the smooth. You can't simply say that I want a woman who looks like this, but she doesn't behave like that. So that is not fair on the lady and she's a human being at the end of the day. And you should be willing to take all of the things and I don't think promises are enough.
Of course you can see where she is going. She's working really hard. She's trying really hard. She's come so far, but she needs a little bit to come and I'm willing to have supper with that extra bit. That's fine. But as for you know, I met her yesterday at a nightclub convinced her to accept Islam. And this is not i'm not making a joke. I'm serious. This has come before me Sherry aboard many times. And more than once I met her in a nightclub. She accepted we were we went out for a while she accepted Islam. And then I found out she had a boyfriend before me. And you met her in a nightclub? What did you think she had before you can you think she came down from the sky on the wings of a
bird only Subhan Allah
Subhana Allah and I found this many times and is so many times they used to come before the Sharia board like this cases like this. I met her in a dubious dubious circumstances dubious relationship got married and then complained that she was not chest and pious and you know all the rest so this is very difficult for me I think New Muslims need a lot of help a lot of support they need someone who's willing to put in all the time and energy and willing to have supper with them and and who knows where that potential spouse is on the scale of practicing Islam and and how much chance they have of inshallah you know, reaching a higher level from the commitment they've shown so far. But
the only guarantees you have is what you see in front of you at the time of
marriage and not that which you are promised afterwards.
What if no one comes for your daughter What to do?
I wouldn't wait for someone to come through the door
and yeah, I mean, this is like a cultural thing any I probably but I wouldn't wait for someone to come through the door. Go look, you know, go and look on these like use these websites or forums ways to find you to get married, put the word out as people, people will come in Sharla if people are not coming then ask yourself, Is there a reason and is there something there in terms of her characteristics in terms of what she is doing? That is
You know, not desirable or that is causing some concern? Is there a way to alleviate that? But in general, go and be proactive. Don't wait for people to knock on the door. Go and be proactive. Go and ask Allah azza wa jal make to go out there and look for people ask people put the profile out there, make a CV, put it out there, and you know, inshallah find so many people looking to get married. So many good brothers and good sisters really good looking to get married. But the problem is just to tofield Chroma law to match those two up. And the key and this is practicing this one. And the more you practice, the sooner the easier it becomes. What about sharing photos for the
purpose of marriage, in general cases, when searching a sister who is far away, I did, I don't recommend First of all, in general cases, I don't think it's permissible for you to share photos in general cases. In the case, when the sister is very far away, some of the scholars allowed it, but I would be very cautious.
I don't know how many of you have heard of Snapchat, you know, this app where I never seen it in my life, but I've read about it, you send photos and they disappear in a few seconds. Except there are ways to stop them disappearing. As you know,
this is the case of an app that is designed for the photo to disappear. So how about when you send a photo by email, when you send a photo by post, what makes you know, it's going to disappear. And if there is an app, which the purpose of it is for the photo to disappear, any within I don't know, six seconds, or however many seconds the photo is supposed to disappear. And so many people keep the photographs from it through screenshots, and they have special apps that save the photos and all the rest. So how about send the photo by email? What guarantee do you have that that photo is not going to be saved, and kept and looked at by other people? This is a big concept. I would say if you're
going to do it, because the person is abroad, it should be sent with someone reliable, like a reliable sister, who takes it to the house and just you know, like, open it on the phone and just show this is the person you're happy or not, and then just take it away from them.
But again, you know, some of the scholars allowed this in the case where there is no other option to put people in different countries and faraway. But this being in different countries will lie and I have a lot of concerns over it. I'm not saying it doesn't work. But I do have a lot of concerns in different countries because it's very hard for the couple to find their compatibility. And a lot of times there's a it's the families who want them to marry rather than the people. And I think it's very hard for you to marry someone in a different country. I don't think it's impossible, but I think it needs double caution. When marrying someone from a different country, that person really
should go and find and physically meet them and physically learn about them. It's very, very hard for them to marry from another country that they have no contact with. And they just saw a photo of each other photos are not always as they appear to be.
I'm going to get married in a few months. inshallah, before I had an Islamic reawakening I had some relationships prior to marriage. I repent and regret what I've done. But I want to know whether I need to tell my future husband about it if he asks.
No, this is a tough situation. But a chef Murthy mean Rahim Allah to Allah gave a fatwa. And I believe in this 100% that whatever happened
in the time of jaha, Leah,
and that which was between you and Allah azza wa jal should stay between you and Allah.
And I don't think you should lie. But I don't think you should tell the full story. Rather, you should say, I had a period in my life, this is not shared with me instead, you should not tell them anything. Any, I should be clear on that. So we don't mix my opinion and share them with me share one of them instead, you should not tell them anything.
I say you should not tell them anything. But you should not lie so that it does not ruin the marriage later on. But you should simply say, I had a time in my life when I was not practicing.
I'm not going to discuss it. And I'm just going to meet you know, like if they asked, you know, did you have a previous relationship? Do you have a boyfriend before? Do you have a girlfriend before etc? Say, look what happened in the past have in the past, I have nothing to you know, I'm not going to discuss about what I have or haven't done. But I had a period in my life where I wasn't Muslim appeared in my life. I wasn't practicing.
You know, and that's basically all I will say something like that even less than that, if you can any. Try not to say anything, try not to allude to it otherwise they just like it becomes right. Tell me about you know, tell me tell me and it doesn't go you know, but I firmly firmly believe in the photography, everything that I'm allowed to add that you should not tell them about the past events because what law he opens up every marital argument that will happen will be how did you know you have
The previous partner you had, you know, I just think that you can't deceive a person and say no, if it's a lie,
because this is deception. So I think you have to find a way of not lying, and not answering the question, a political answer, don't lie, don't answer the question. To say, look, you know, at the end of the day, I'm not going to ask you about how you were in the past. And, you know, I don't want you to ask me,
or you say that, look what you know, Alhamdulillah right. Now, I have not, you know, it's not something I've, you know, I could even imagine myself doing. And, you know, when we're young, we all make mistakes, or we make, you know, you know, we are how we are, but Alhamdulillah, you know, this is not something that is a part of my life, and nor has it been a part of my life. For some time, however, person answers, you have to think of a, you know, an answer that gives away nothing, but doesn't lie. But I would not tell them, I will not tell them, because you will open the door to a door that will never ever close of how did you treat your previous girlfriend, how did you treat
your previous boyfriend, you know, you love them more than me, you haven't forgotten about them you are any will just never stop.
And the basic principle is that you conceal the things that you do between you and Allah, and you don't open those things out to other people. So I do not think strictly advise, strongly advise that you do not tell. But I also advise that you don't lie.
Because lying is going to deceive them, and it's going to be lead to a bigger problem later on.
if a person answers and says, Look, what a person does is between them and Allah,
you know, it's not something I'm doing now. So it shouldn't be an issue.
And just leave it at that. And if that answer is not good enough for them, then just, you know, basically, I would not budge too far from it. You know, other than that, just say to them, Look, that is the answer. I'm willing to give you nothing more than that.
Found a religious man who is well interesting and compatible to me and families have also agreed he's a well educated man. However, he currently does not have a job or a place to live on his own. He would also like to nikka Halima together.
In this case should Anika be done only and should it be done ASAP?
We should be clear that the son needs to do the Nika and the walima. Together, ie not together, but ie the Nika and then within a few days to do the William.
However, if the fear is that their relationship will develop between two people, and you're in contact with that person, and you're emailing them and phoning them and texting them, then I would advise that you do the Nika straightaway. And you know inshallah, Allah azza wa jal when he gives the the brother
You know, the ability to support you with a house and a job, then inshallah you can move in together, but at least until then you can live as husband and wife, you can meet with one another, you can stay with one another, you can go out with one another.
And I'm not I'm not suggesting you abandon the sooner of doing any car, followed by the walima within a number of days. But I'm suggesting that if it's a choice between texting and phoning and being together without being married, or being married, then the nica is definitely more deserving of being done early in Sharla. So I hope that's understood.
I used to enter by an a scarf before marriage, I recently got married and my husband doesn't want me to wear abaya, and says a scarf only. This leads to arguments as I'm unwilling to take off my abhyanga without it, please advise me. And please pray that I remain steadfast in practicing my religion. So we deal with the second part first, and we ask Allah subhanaw taala by his greatest name, the name that if he is asked by it, he gives any if two eyes made to him through it, he answers, that he makes this sister steadfast in her religion and makes us the same, and that he blesses her and as with the best of this world, and the next, and that he blesses us with the whole
of Sabbath, a firm word in this world and in the hereafter.
As for the question, it is not permissible for a person to disobey Allah in obedience to anybody else. So there should be no issue what there should be not even a possibility of her removing the Avaya.
It should be absolutely clear. Rather, the husband needs to be educated as to what the proper hijab is in Islam, and I suggest the sister researches the evidence, for example, you know, Islam QA is reasonable place to search of the hijab, and you know, get a list of the, the evidences and the rules and the conditions of the hijab and then x
explains to her husband with best way with the best manners the best etiquette
that this is how she is going to be. But I also think she needs to make it crystal clear that the removal of the eye buyer is not an option.
It is not on the cards, it's not on the table. So he can just learn not to ask for it. And if he persists in ask asking for it, then I think she should take it as far as she needs to take it to force him.
Because this is what he is asking her to do is to give up making a lot happy to make him happy. And that is something that is not permissible. So I think she needs to be armed with knowledge and evidence and the best way of explaining it affordability asset respond in the way that is best was the ideal humble that he asked and argue with them in the way that is best full evidence, knowledge proofs, and so on and so forth. If the husband would benefit from listening to someone with more knowledge, you know, bring Tyler lm someone of knowledge scholar of the likes to talk to him or let him watch a lecture or listen to a video or something like this, to help him to understand and make
it very clear that there is no option there is no option for him for her to remove the buyer. Because there is no obedience to creation in disobedience to the Creator. I think that's more than enough. We've done just a bit over half an hour. And I don't want it to become a stage where we just are doing now double Friday night reminders or reflections, one set after Margaret wants to after Asia but I did want to give some time for q&a. So this will be the format we do have to mark it up and we'll do you know 1520 minutes after Asia or something like that. I know marriage usually has a lot of questions on inshallah, but we wrap up there in sha Allah Allahu Allah. Wa Salatu was Salam
ala nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi ajmeri