Channel: Tawfique Chowdhury
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to her wakulla modesetting visa wakulla be the Athena wakulla Allah Allah infinite, well respected brothers, brothers and sisters in Islam from the greatest wisdom of Allah subhanaw taala is Allah subhanaw taala has created companions for people. Allah subhanaw taala has created friends for human beings. And Allah subhanaw taala did not just create Adam and s&m but then he created his wife as well. Which is our mother how we know Allah, Allah The reason why he has created a companion, a friend for other mothers salon is because truly insert is weak and insert mankind requires friends in order to live. In fact, the word insert the meaning of it is a person who you love or you love in
Arabic Meaning that he needs to be with people. He needs to congregate with people he needs, he needs to mix with people. So from the essence of a human being is that he needs to be with people and he cannot be a hermit, as we say, in the English language. He cannot be a hermit a hermit is a person who, for example, you know, stays away from people and stays in the caves or in the woods etc. Away from the eyes of society stays by himself, it is impossible for a human being to be like that. Rather, he always needs to be with fellow companions. So he's truly in need of friends and a human being would would be therefore driven mad. Why is he not to have friends? If we therefore
investigate the need for human beings to have friends? The question must therefore be asked who is the best friend to have? Who is the best friend to have who is the friend that will truly fulfill the criteria of the best make that a person can have. Without doubt I'm sure you will agree the only being that can actually fulfill completely in all aspects of a person's of the term of friend is Allah subhanaw taala For verily It is Allah subhanaw taala who is the friend of the believers, he is the person who truly can be our best friend. And truly As you notice, who was resident had said, local to tequila hollyland Ababa kalila Joaquin de la salida. As rasuna system had said in an
authentic hadith, if I were to take anyone to be my bosom buddy to be my close friend, then I would have taken a loss I will take Abu Bakar as my close friend because I'm a worker was so righteous, he was always looking up to snuff always good resource above his own self. So this is the characteristic of a true friend. And if I were to take anyone that I will take Abu Bakar however Allah has taken me as his close friend, Allah Allah has taken a sumo wrestler as close friend as he had taken before that Ibrahim Ali Salaam as his honey as his close friend. So truly brothers and sisters in Islam, the greatest gift that a person can have is a close friend. And what better friend
than a worse patella. And the greatest misery that a person can have is to be alone in the darkness. And in fact, if you see if you look at the punishment that is applied to people these days, and the punishment one of the ways of truly punishing a person, one of the ways of truly making sure a person mentally breaks down is to give him solitary confinement is that not so? Is to totally confine the person away from anything away from eyes the people away from hearing a voice and you will see the person being driven mad. And in fact if you read the stories of those people who have been tortured, you will see the greatest torture they can say is solitary confinement is truly
Whereas we find the solar system talking about how the best friend is truly the best of provisions and tells us a little matar in rotten, rotten saleha. The best of provisions is a righteous woman. So it tells us how, for example, a righteous woman who is your wife, and she is your best friend, she is your best mate, you tell her your secrets, she is the best provisions, not anything else, not the gold and silver that we have amassed, not the wealth that we have, not the cause that we have, etc, etc. Rather it is the woman it is it is a righteous woman who has the best of friends, who is the best of provisions, meaning a righteous woman who is your true, a righteous woman who is your
true, who is your wife that she is truly your best mate. And you know, she is truly that which is the most precious thing in this world. So if Allah Subhana Allah going back to Allah, Allah if Allah Subhana, Allah is Allah is our best friend. Then how do we make Allah Allah lovers I will go through four points to make sure that lust Allah loves us and make sure that we understand how to win the love of Allah subhanaw taala and then I will move on to how to read the love of the friendship, how to win the friendship of people, mankind, the people that we live around. First of all, Allah, Allah without that you must understand that you cannot live a life that they should feed him and you
cannot feed him if so that you should love him. And you cannot love and fear except that you should have hope in Him. And Allah subhanaw taala therefore deserves our love, our fear and our hope. And Allah, Allah truly, if you wish to love him, then you must fear Him. And if you wish to be close to him, come close to him, then you must love you must fear him as a lesson is no good and fulfilled in a run away from Allah to Allah. You run away from Allah from the punishment of Allah from the fear of Allah, to what to the love of Allah subhanaw taala and this is truly what will cause a love partner to love you as we know that you could see as Allah Subhana Allah has said
the Lamia have in the master
had said that Allah subhanaw taala said, that my slave have never come close to me with anything that which is more beloved to me than that which I am obligated upon him. Then we that when he does more extra deeds, then I become the hand with with with which he throws by the weather, weather leg with what with which he walks etc. By the mouth by which he talks as as we as we already know. And this shows therefore that basically our speech is only the pleasure of Allah, our actions only pleasure. Our walking and our companionship is only the pleasure of illness partner so when we truly look after this and feel less popular, then we truly have less Padilla as a friend. Another Heidi
tells us the second part is how to make the lovers is is
is to make a lot of Toba and truly also lust and allow her to tell that had said authentic hadith and Muslim. He said that the the the people who make more more repentance, they are the best friends of Allah. They are the best friends of Allah, the best ones Allah therefore are the ones who always repent to Allah subhanaw taala The third thing brothers and sisters is love is to love the friends of Allah. Allah as Rasulullah as Allah, Allah tells the Quran in the law what Allah ekata who you follow the Allah.
Allah, Allah tells us the Quran Verily Allah and his and his angels Send blessings and praise upon our solar system. So all you believe, send the blessings of praise upon our solar system. And the fruit of this verse, as we know the solar system had said that whoever prays upon me once Allah that Allah sends a blessing upon me one once Allah, Allah does it 10 times meaning that loves him so much, that he does it 10 times. So this is another way to gain the love of Allah subhanaw taala And lastly, to gain the love of Allah, Allah is following consumers and sellers, surely as Sam had said, could
be qumola Rasulullah
Allah, Allah says,
Truly if you love Allah and follow me that allows me not only when you follow me that that is a condition which will truly prove your love to Allah, but Allah will return that love for you just just as a less putana truly gives back the better that you have got. You have done to Allah within the action that you've done to Allah, Allah does it back to you in terms of Allah and Sudoku, if you help a lot Allah help you. If you remember Allah for Tony as guru, calm if you remember Allah, Allah will remember you in the same way, the same way truly if you follow those rules Islam and you obedient to the religion, that Allah subhanaw taala will also listen to you and love you, if you
love us Allah and love Allah that Allah will truly also love you back. The talk today about the art of winning friends is not not not about how to gain the love of Allah, Allah. No, that is truly important. However, the talk today really is about the art of winning friends about the people that we have around us. How do we win the love of the people around us? How do we for example, of a Muslim, living the West with all these pressures on his life? with with with with the pressures from the from the from the Muslim in and with the with the pressures from the disbelievers? How do we in the West, surely make sure that we win friends that we fought for
by ourselves with those people who care for us, and not those people who are jealous of us, how do we make sure that we truly have this, this is the real purpose of our talk today. real purpose. We'll talk today. Before we go into that, before I talk about the seven articles of How to Win Friends, I would like to mention to you three fundamental principles about people's psychology, three fundamental principles about that everyone needs to know about everyone else. In fact, everyone needs to know about himself as well, which he does not even realize sometimes. And when we understand these principles, these principles of a person's behavior, these principles of a person's
attitude, then you will truly understand how to deal with with individuals. And the first and most important of this brothers and sisters in his lab, is that people don't like to be criticized. People don't like to be criticized, people never like that you should come to them and condemn them, or that you should ever come to them and tell them what mistakes they have. Never people don't absolutely don't like to criticize, because people 99% of the time don't see any fault in themselves. Okay, this is normal, generally, okay? Whether Muslims or non Muslims, everyone, you know, inequality, everyone is the same, they can't see problems with themselves. When they look in
the mirror, they see a perfect individual. When they look in the mirror, they see someone they're in love with. When they look in the mirror, they see someone who they think are going to gender. When they look in the mirror, they see someone who is
a pinnacle of perfection. And so people don't think about themselves, they have anything wrong. That is why the first most important thing to realize is that when you approach a person, you must not condemn him, you must not criticize. So criticism and condemnation is a big No, no. When you're when you're talking about how to make friends, because people don't think that they are wrong, this is something well, this is you know, it is it is very, very important to realize,
as Allah, Allah also tells us, and he tells us about advices, as soon as Islam with important advisor, sometimes we will gloss over without truly realizing it's important. Allah tells our solar system, the Quran, what are
the solar system? What is the Merciful of mankind? Who has the best of manners, if you were to be hard of heart, if you were to be harsh upon individuals? And what do you mean by harsh meaning, you know, always severe on them, telling them what their mistakes, telling them what they're wrong, condemning the people, etc. If you were to be like that, then he would the people would run away from him, then from Allah subhanaw taala, telling us about his slaves, you know, unless it has created us, and he truly knows us. And he is the one who's telling us that truly people don't like to be criticized. So you should not come to people with criticism initially. Rather, you should
always come to them with praise, and I will come to that in a second point. The first point is people don't like to be criticized, people don't like to be criticized. And that is why
I'm giving advice to everyday Rasulullah some give advice to every caller to Islam, and he said, but Sheila Wollaton a few. Yes, sir. What was true, he said, but she will give glad tidings. What have you learned don't make people run away from you? How do you let people run away from you? People are bad people are this people are that we all drink Xena. We all do. We all this and we adapt and things like this, okay, causes people to run away from you. And this is not the way that you should add this is not the way a person should be if he wants to truly have friends. He should not criticize people in that manner. Neither should he condemn people in that manner. There is a manner
for that a time for that. Yes, you have to be a righteous friend to your to your friend. But realize No one likes to be criticized. Just like for example, for the most difficult jobs that I've that I've ever done, is that I that I used to work as an IT debugger. The debugger is a debugger is a person who used to go to other people who have done a program. And I would find faults in that program. And I would find problems of how the program is going is going to have problems and how it's going to actually fail. When it's actually at the time of execution. Right. And we'll know it, I'll tell you what, no, no, no programmer would ever like to say, like, whatever, like to see that
you come up with a problem in his code. And we'll let you be like, it's like, no, that's not right. You know, he'll always be negative and you'll never be upcoming and never he never own up his mistake. And he's always tradition to try to show you know, his, his you know, this program is definitely gonna work. It's gonna work right. And like I'm telling you, this is the most difficult job I had, because people would never own up the mistake. Even though even though they know programs, computer programs that always have false, they know this essentially. And essentially they know that that this is your job, but still, people will never own up their mistake. It is for this
reason brothers and sisters Islam prosumers Rasul Allah had never used to scold his service never used to score
He's helped us. In fact, honestly, they allow us no money in the money. And he was a, a small, small help, but also like a small young, a young man. And he used to help us homeless, so not as a servant, but as a hoarder as a not as a slave. But as a servant, a helpful resource is living his parents, as we'll come to this second talk
about about love and marriage. And we'll talk about Allison Shannon. And as he served the solar system for 10 years, and he said, Well, no, he never told me of 10 years. He never told me don't do it this way. Or you never told me why did you do this? He never criticized me. When I 10 years, and a small child makes so many mistakes. small child makes so many mistakes will love hate, you know, drives you mad sometimes. Why did you do that? Who touched my computer who put this this way? Who spilled the milk? Who brought that glass? Had a Little children do this all the time
in the middle school did even 10 years. And honestly the only one who said this was all it is to meet me with a smile on his face. Surely this is important for us to realize, criticism of individuals is a big No, no, if you truly want to have friends, stay away from criticism of individuals. Because truly even you don't understand even you don't understand that you have criticism that you have mistakes. And in fact, in one of the great was of the American Civil, civil liberty, movement at a time when Abraham Lincoln was the leader of one of the groups, and his general did not obey him. His general one of his generals, he told his generals to attack the
raiding party, but he's not a Bayesian, you know, it was it was known that
that that the President was truly
Abraham Lincoln was truly a individual who never used to criticize people. And one of the reasons why he was so successful in winning friends, and so successful in being a politician, one of the reasons was that was his lack of criticism, and that he would not criticize Yes, he would fix the problems of the people, but in a way in which we will discuss how to fix the problems of people without criticizing them openly. Because no one likes criticism. No one likes negative advice. And I'd like to read to you from what one of the
one of the writers have written about a father who forgets and I just can't give you an example of how it was also never scolded.
And I want to read to you about how an author Livingston learned his name was he wrote in Reader's Digest something which is actually published a numerous times in Reader's Digest because of his true beauty about how beautiful his speech was in his writing was, and this is about a father who always used to score the sun. As against of course the haliotis was Islam which was that he would never criticize and look at what he writes. Livingston, W Livingston landed, he writes in his article father forgets, and this is something which is published in Reader's Digest he says, Listen, listen, son. I am saying this to you as you lie asleep. One little Paul crumble under your cheek and the
blonde curls, sticking wetly, a wet on your damn forehead, I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago as I as I sat reading my paper in the library, or stiffly wave of remotes swept over me guilty I came to your bedside, there are things I was thinking son, I had been crossed to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely adapt with the towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor at breakfast and found fault to you spilled things. You got down your food, you put your elbows on the table, you spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off
to play, and I made for my train U turn and waved the hand and said goodbye daddy and a frown and said and reply. Hold your shoulders back young man. Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road, I spied you down your knees playing marbles. There were holes in the stockings and humiliated you before your boyfriend's the marching ahead of me to the house. stockings were expensive. And if you had to buy them, you would be more careful. Imagine that son from a father. You remember later when I was reading the library how you came in timidly with a with a sort of hurt look in your eyes when I glanced up over my paper impatient at the interruption. You
hesitated at the door. What is it that you want? I snapped. You said nothing but ran across in one trenches, plunger through your arms around my neck and kissed me and small arms tighten with an infection that God had said blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wizard and then you are gone pattering of the stairs. Well, son. It was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands, and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me the habit of finding fault of scolding people, this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you. No, no, no, it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the
have my own ears. And, and there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me goodnight. Nothing else matters tonight, my son, I have come to your bedside in the darkness and I have knelt, they're ashamed. It is a feeble atonement. I know you will not understand these things if I told them to you during during your waking hours, but tomorrow, I will be a real Daddy, I will chat with you and suffering and suffer and love when you love. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual. He
is nothing but a boy, a little boy. I'm afraid I visualized you as a man. Yet, as I see you now son crumpled and we're in your court, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you are in your mother's arms, your head on our shoulders. I have asked too much too much. And this is truly Pamela, our Father who is regretting how used to be with a son scolding all the time not realize how truly little children always make mistakes. You know how we always rush to criticize, whether it be our children or anyone else we rush to criticize, forget our own criticism. The second thing, but as a citizen, it's not about knowing what people, the first thing is knowing not to criticize it, no one
likes to be criticized. The second thing is to give honest and sincere appreciation. And I don't mean that you should talk about flattery, you know, flattering the person, but I mean, giving them honest, sincere praise that is truly deserving of them. And every person has something good about it. I will learn resources and give advice to the person who wants to divorce his wife. And instead let a person who sees something bad from his wife, not become angry fight maybe that he hates her from something or dislike something about her. But there's something else that he likes. Of course, there must be something else that he likes. He married her. He married her and therefore he must
like something about her. So always look towards the good things. And in fact, I remember one of my friends, he was telling me how he his wife came to him and she was a righteous woman how he came to him. And he said, write down the six things which you'd want me to change about myself, write down six things. And of course, she did this after she read a hadith Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, when our solar system had said, well, nahi if you if you were to set the pass of your husband's wounds, this would not make a fort your husband has done for you. And so when she read this Hadith, she felt very, very remorseful. And she wanted to be a better wife. And she came to my friend and said to
talk to her husband and said, Oh, my husband, here's a piece of paper, here's a pen, write down six things that you want me to change. And so we'll let you know what I did. He was telling me, he said, I went, I went back to my library. And I started to write six things down. And I said she has to change this, she has to change that. And this and that. And this and that. And then I looked at the paper and says Pamela, if I were to give this to her, this would break her heart. So what I wrote down on the piece of paper is I love you as you are, what did you write he said, I love you as you are. And then he ordered a bunch of roses and put that piece of a piece of paper in a bunch of
roses. At the end he gave that to her and will love it she hurt her face you know flared up with joy. And tears came down her eyes she couldn't believe how truly will love you know how much he truly loved her. And this had a better impact. A better impact in her changing yourself to the better isn't it will lie in a spotlight if you had given the person six things to change about you this or that change your head, change the lipstick, change your clothes.
And this wouldn't have achieved the same effect as this little letter of how I love you the way you are. And this this note appreciation and sincere praise has achieved will let you know this is the way to winning the hearts of your wives. Brothers truly, and sisters truly this is the way to winning the hearts of your spouses. Tell them how much truly they appreciate you. And well I did this with my wife when she was giving birth. And when she gave birth and I saw the difficulty she was going through I wrote her small letters, it's analog, you know, this is, you know, words can't express how much truly you you know, your what you have done for me, you know how you give me a
child you know what's kind of expressive, and truly when I when I when I did that? Well let me you know any problems that I might have had with her. Wherever it were fixed. She was never again, you know, she never did anything which would displease me she would never do anything which will be in my displeasure. And will not he praised us to people what criticism can never achieve praise and appreciation and sincere This is sincere isn't it? When light is sincere? It is not flattery. It is not like a person goes to a cane and tries to flatter him up and pump him up. No, this is sincere praise sincere praise, which is truly deserving of every single person. And also assessor needs to
praise his companions. He used to praise his companions and this would cause them to increase in their in their in their Eva, we find the solar systems to place a dilemma and once he said no in an authentic hadith in Bukhari, he said what a righteous man of dilemma is, he said what a righteous man a beloved one is and the companions rate and this one is
Have you read that after Abdullah Ahmad, he heard his praise resources about himself, he increased in his love for our school system. And from that day on, anything little Solar System ever did, anything that ever did, he would do until it went and unit in a particular place, he would go on unit in that place until it was on his travels, he stopped under a tree, he would make sure he stops under that tree. And he follows the solar system in every single thing that was used to do imagine what praise can do to individual praise and appreciation can do to individual what criticism can never achieve. The third thing brothers and sisters, Islam.
The third thing brothers and sisters in Islam is to arouse in the other people an ego desire. And
if you want to criticize if you want to make people do something, the first is don't criticize them. Second is appreciate them. And the third thing is to arouse in the person that a person always wants to be aroused by himself to do that, which he should be doing. I'll give you an example what I mean, I'll give you an example what I mean, when we were when we were fundraising and fundraising for for charity appeal, and before the tsunami disaster that happened, and I thought about how to talk, and I was Islam channel and we were talking about how to raise raise money, and how would I motivate people, we're thinking about how to speak to people. And we're lucky, we thought that Okay, there
are two approaches. One is telling people about the fire and telling them how they don't pay up, they're headed for the fire was Attila will ask them, oh, you know, when we when I came to you, ask me for help you to not help me etc, etc, using those rules Islam that say that a person who doesn't give that he is headed for the fire. And then I thought no, there is another way and that is to make the person desire to give. And that is to make the person by himself want to help by making him want to help him by making him want to give how by arousing the interest in him. And this is the best way on how to cause a person to do something. And truly, this is what we did. So we concentrate only on
those things that would cause a person want to open his heart and give like, like the like the idea of like the like the the duration about the solar system about rewards about the person who gives charity, the rewards the the eye of the ad about charity, etc, etc, in a way in which the people themselves would want to give until we found that this has always been the way that people would, would end up doing the doing their deeds better and in a better fashion. And this is always been the way of motivated this has always been the way of psychologists that they would always motivate the person by themselves and encourage them to actually do the do their deeds. Like for example person
wants to charge you a lot of money for, for for business, for example. Or let me give you another another person example, let's say you want to have a job, and you're writing a CV a letter. And in the letter, you say I am this and that, and I have attained this degree, and I have this experience. And we are here for person, as an employer, and I'm an employer, I employ people, when I look at their letter, as Pamela disguises mentioned in what he has, what am I gonna do with this guy, check it out. Rather, I'd like to see a letter wherein he will tell me how he can benefit me, and how he can use use his skills to benefit me and this would this is what would motivate me to hire him. And
this is how we should also act. If we want someone to do something. If you want to change the activity of a person towards something, we don't tell him to do that thing. Rather we show him how he can benefit from that, how he will truly benefit himself through doing that deed. And this is exactly the way to motivate people. This is exactly the three things that we need to know about, about individuals about people before we even go into How to Win Friends. The first is don't criticize second is people don't actually criticize second is that people like to be appreciated. And the third thing is that people are jealous or are self conceited. They want to only benefit
themselves to do so. So bring about a change in their behavior by showing you how they can benefit themselves through that action that you are asking them to do. Let's move on brothers and sisters Islam. And in fact, I want to give you an example of how we did that. How you would make people want to do that by showing them that they can benefit themselves. So he said for example, the Battle of the battle in which the Muslims were a large number but they the number did not benefit them against the enemy. Rasulullah sallallahu said man Katana Katana and follow Sala boo, whoever kills a enemy combatant that for him is his, his his wealth for him is whatever he carries for him is whatever
that combatant carries. So therefore everyone will try and kill the highest of the competitors and the strongest because obviously there'll be more powerful, more armor, more wealth through the halls, etc etc. And this is a way in which the system would encourage them to say that you will benefit yourself if you truly do
Which is right. And also for example servicemen, we see a lot pattern and giving constant examples of how we can truly benefit ourselves if we strive how of the genders and the Holy of the paradise, or the blessings of Allah and the numerous countless blessings of Allah, Allah all the time, and then he keeps telling us what for the Arabic word to cover. So which of the Blessings of you're not willing to lie and will lie this is a way in which Allah Allah uses this principle of trying to motivate people by telling them how they can truly benefit from their from this from this act themselves. Let's move on brothers and sisters in Islam to this you know seven principles which I
have tried together on how to truly Win Friends and how to make sure that the person who is next to you truly becomes your friend or your colleagues truly become the friend or the Muslim brothers that you know truly become your friend.
The first one is assistance lab is to be genuinely interested in people is to be genuinely interested in people have you
thought about the dog? You know, the people say the dog is a man's best friend. Have you ever thought Why is the dog the man's best friend? Because the dog is so interested in you. Have you seen for example when you you know in you know, obviously, we don't have dogs, but let's say the people who have dogs have you ever seen for example movie in which Lassie and musica seen Lassie? You know this was
in my time but 1213 years ago when used to see TV and all that before he accepted Islam properly and lastly was a dog It was a very you know, cuddly dog and all that and whenever the kids used to come Lassie would be jumping and would be just you know at the at the at the gates and woof woof woof and congratulating you and and saying welcome with a big smile on his face. Have you noticed that dog is the only animal that doesn't have to earn a living where the chicken has to lay egg whereas the cow has to give milk and the animal has to earn his living isn't it for us to look after it? But the dog is the only person who doesn't have to answer it doesn't do anything. And people will Mashallah by
the best of dog food and will buy the best of collars Mashallah I see people over here they even put jackets on their on the on the dogs Mashallah from the code is truly amazing, isn't it? The dog is the only animal that doesn't have to earn its living. Why? Because it is truly interested in you. It is really interesting, it's a real friend because it is so interested in you and let's let's therefore, you know, learn from this dog. And as we know also last lesson of truly says this is true, isn't it? That's why we like dogs because that's why human beings say the dog is a man's best friend because he's truly interested and truly interested in you.
And as we know as well, one of the reasons why the companions is to love our solar system was that he was truly interested in them as well as Allah says that that idea which we repeat all the time, like a jerk or a tsunami and physical as easy to hurry
over him as Allah says, and generally a man for amongst you has come a messenger from amongst us come as easily humanity it is difficult on him that you should have any any problems any any any hardship, Harrison Alico is ever earnest and eager over you, Bill meaning are over him very above over the believers. He is truly kind merciful. See how he was so eager striving for our good. So even striving for our good this was this was excellent. And this is why he was our best friend as well.
We find that alpha elden and he was one of the psychologists. He writes in his book, what life should mean to you? And so the book I've read actually, one of the books I've actually made myself read because it's actually a good book. It says here it says in the book, it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from from among such individuals that all human suffering spring, surely when you're not interested in other people and you're self conceited, and you're only worried about yourself that truly this is the individual who has no benefit to add to others. And he is the
one who has no friends. Have you seen for example, you know, you know in the movies, forgive me for those for anyone who has blonde here, but you know how they how they, how the movies they always have this blonde bimbo, they they call it as we say blonde bimbo, she is so self consider she she knows she's beautiful. And all she does is talks about herself. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, this concept of blonde bimbo that we have in our in our, in our, in our understanding, is a person who is a blonde woman, she is beautiful and pretty, but she also thinks about is herself. She's so self conceited. And no one likes that person, isn't it? She's always the comic relief in
the movies, isn't it? And she's also the person who no no one is interested in such a person. And so such is such. So so we find therefore truly a person who is not interested in other people and they are the ones as this. Alfred Walden had said Alden. He said in his in his book that it is amongst such individuals that all human suffering spring. Can we find as well in one of the statistics that I came across on the internet was that the telephone companies in New York they
Once did a survey of the amount of words that I use in any conversation so that they so they did a random survey of 500 phone calls. After the random survey of 500 phone calls, they found that the word the word that was used the most was used 3900 times which one do you think is used the most? I Mashallah, that's it. Hi. III, me, me, me, me myself, me i, this is the most used word meaning that people are so worried about themselves. They only think about themselves. You want to have friends, be truly interested in the people be like the dog who is so interested in it in its friends, right, move on to the second one. And that is how to win friends, except by one of the most beautiful
charities that we can do. And that is smile, that is smile will lie a smile says 1000 words a smile says 1000 words. And in fact, one of the one of the signboards outside a Christmas shopping center that I happened to, to go to in Australia had something very very interesting and I wrote it down it was very nice. I wrote it down and said the following. It said a smile. And he said smile and said you know the big smiley face and said smile. Okay, that was the title said smile. And then it says smile is something that costs nothing but creates much.
It enriches those who receive without impoverishing those who give, it happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None are so rich that can get along without it. And none are so poor but are richer for its benefits is rest for the for the very day like to the discouraged sunshine to the sad and nature's best medicine for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, cannot be begged cannot be borrowed or stolen before it is something that no earthly good to anybody. And it is it is no earthly good to anybody until it is given away. Nobody needs a smile as much as those who have not to give. Surely this is beautiful. And this is what a smile is. And surely smile has an
effect on individuals that you just can't imagine. And unnecessarily your loved one used to say that I never met Russell's except that he smiled at me. And he seems to say I think this is what you love. What
he said to smile to the face of your brother is sort of his charity. And love your solar system is to always go to his family in a smile with a smile on his face. And a smile so important. I know when the dog smiles at you, if the dog can smile, but if a dog, a dog, let's have a baby, you know, when I had my first child, when I had my first child and you know, obviously all you have to do was cry and not smile and say what is this what is wrong with this little, little, little boy and then when he was two or three, and then the first one he gives a when he recognizes you and a smile that happens in his face, it is worth a million dollars is worth a million pounds. Even more than that
Pamela, the smile You know, when you see them in the airport, when you've been away for a couple of months away from your family, the smile on their face is enough. It is enough it is worth more than this worldspan. So truly a smile is a great gift. It is essential for anybody who wants to make friends to smile not to frown. And nobody likes someone who frowns, nobody likes to see people who have a frown on his face. People love those people who always smile. And that is when we find that,
that we find that that even call centers as we know you know the call centers. And these are places that you call in order in whenever you have a trouble. For example, you have something with the phone line, you call the call the the problem centers, and when you call them. And I used to work for a concert to once and they they used to tell us smile even when you're talking. And this will show through your speech. They used to tell us smile when you're talking as well. And this will show through your speech as well. And we're lucky Have you ever seen if you've ever gone to McDonald's or any of these big shopping centers, you know those people over there, they always smile. They're
always the smiley mood even when they have a problem with them. And the troubleshoot is those people who are who are who deal with problems. They're the ones who smile The most isn't it. And so surely this man is truly important truly for if you cannot do anything for your friend, or except smile, you cannot afford to give a gift and a smile like this is one of the most important advices that a person can give about smiling. And the third one brothers
essential tip for How to Win Friends is to remember the person's name.
You have to remember the person's name. You can't say your name was Abdullah Mohammed.
You know, no, no, no, no, you have to remember the person's name. I will lie it is so important to call the person by his first name or to know the person's name. It is just so important. When a person doesn't know your name is and you met him number of times. And you know, for example, I meet a lot of people and I go around all the time, and I have this major problem. And so what I've done is I have a small diary that I've written down some of the names of the people that I have met in person
single place. So remember, and every time I go there, I remember Okay, this is his name, Shafiq. And he was from this place, and he will look like this, okay. And this brother was this, and he had a white beard, and he was this and this and this. And so I remember must at least, I can always remind myself of the first name, etc. So when you can at least call upon them, they know that you are interested in them, and that you are someone of importance to them. In fact, the newspapers note that Theodore Roosevelt was one of the presidents of America, one of the reasons why he won the election was because he could memorize, he remember 50,000 names, he could remember 50,000 names
used to call everybody from his, from his drivers, to his cooks, to his maids, to his personal assistants, to you know, people that he met everybody with his first name. And in fact, one of the biggest
insults to a politician is when you when when you say who is the president of this of this, and he does not know the name of for example, as you know, as you know, as George Bush, as you know, as he had said, the puppies, and you know, he couldn't remember the proper name as a love of Stan. So, truly knowing the first name of people, and knowing how to how to call on people is, is truly important. And I remember reading about the history of Napoleon, that Napoleon was one of those masters of character. And he always another way of winning people, the way he used to do it, is that he used to write down names. And he used to ask the person his name in different ways. So but what's
your name? He'll say, for example, Rahim. And so let's say for example, it's a stranger who say, Oh, sorry, I didn't get that again. And then you repeat it again. And then he would say, Okay, how did you? How do you? How do you spell that? That's a third time. So you see, he is asked for his name in different ways, from his lunch his name in different ways, then he would write this down on a piece of paper, then you memorize that name, and then he would you throw that piece of paper away. And that way, he would remember the first names individuals. And surely, if you look at it, this is an important tool, know why these are very small tips. Very small, but, but they're essential in
winning friends. They're essential tips on how to make people love you and truly remember you, and that is that you remember the first name because it really shows that you are not just, you know, a.in his world rather than you are an individual, someone important in his life, okay, that you've actually bothered to remember, remember his name, until even the psychologists they say something very important. And they say that the person's name is the most sweetest, and most important sound in any language,
the person's name is the most sweetest thing to him. The most sweetest thing you can say is his name. And so truly, try and remember the people's name, who you want them to be your friends, number four, number four, is to be a good listener. Allah subhanaw taala has given us one mouth and two ears for a purpose. That is what we listen more than we speak.
And this is very, very important to realize it is it is imperative that a person wants to have friends to be a good listener, no one wants you to come up, come up to him and just keep on speaking about yourself and say, Oh, I did this and I went there. Or, for example, let's say, you know, I went to, I want to go back to Australia, as to Tokyo, I went there, and I did this I did that no one wants to hear about you know, no one's interested in you. Everyone is interested in their own selves.
in our classes in psychology, I studied psychology for two years.
Our professors used to say something very, there was a very nutty professor that I had, and he was but he came up with Mashallah we know a lot of wise sayings. And one of the most wisest thing is a thing that he said once is this quote that I'm going to mention to you, he said, those people who talk only themselves are hopelessly uneducated, they are not educated, no matter how instructed they may be.
Okay, those people who just talk about themselves, no one truly likes these sort of individuals, because all they do is talk about themselves, they are self conceited, and they are like that blonde bimbo that I was talking about, who only talks about herself. And as we know, it assumes Islam was not like that he would always engage the other person listen more than he spoke, always that the other person finish, whether it be speaking or whatever they are doing. In fact, even we find one that Arab came into the mosque, and he was urinating, what is also some say there who listen finish, meaning let the man finish don't don't stop him for whatever reason, some people say, okay, that's
because it is stopping he wants his unit, he may have been harming his body. That's one thing. That's one thing, however, really the metric The fact is there was a good listener, that he would let the other person finish and do what he had to do. Thereafter. instruct him, advise him and do what he will do whatever he needed to do. And this is essential for us to be friends with people. People always want us to listen to them, not for you to speak about yourself. The fifth thing whether this is a snap, that is to talk in terms of other people's interests only talk in terms of other people's interests, only
What is the best way to speak to a parent would tell me what is the best way to speak to a parent? What do you think brother?
If you know a brother and sister for example sorry
No No How would you speak to a parent I'm saying you know a person who has children after how would you speak to him? The best way what is the best way to engage that person? And to truly make him interested in showing you that you that you that he means something to you? What is it? But the children exactly like, exactly what a beautiful childhood Mashallah, this is a flower, this is a, this is what a human beings have this little angel and talk about them and you give them gifts, what is the way to the parents hide to the children. So you always talk about that which interest in the guy he loves what's cause Mashallah talk about sports cars with him. And we'll know he will be he
will melt in your hands, talk about sports cars, you know nothing about sports cars.
You know nothing about it, but just keep on talking. Do you have a Do you have a twin turbo? Or do you have an intercooler? And what type of car do you have the six is that, you know, it's it was actually, you know, just engage him in that and he will be interested in you will like some of the people, their interests are the most boring of things, botany, chemistry, you know, astronomy and etc, etc. Or someone is so so interested in his own field. And when you engage you in that will lay here will be your best friend as well. And he will truly find you an engaging experience. And he will always remember the fact that you are more interested in him, rather than yourself talking
about about who you are, this is truly important. Always engage the person's interest. If it's a child, if it's a parent, through his children, if it's through praising his children through talking about the child, if it's a I don't know if it's a person with a particular hobby, than through that hobby. And so it actually is good for you to understand this person who you want him to be a friend, what he truly is interested in, and why this is truly important, truly important advice. Number six is to make people other people feel important, and to give them honest appreciation. And we're lucky.
You know, this is something that I will never forget. I will never forget. And this is something which I learned from from our teachers ourselves. And our teacher, which is a wonderful our elder teachers will share one
who is one of the teachers in the university and is also teaching the in the harem of Medina, in one of his tapes in the tape on explanation of Southern Stockman, which is one of the books of the humble scholars and he explained the chapter of nicaea and the first tape in the chapter of marriage. As you know, she had one mustache and it was he was explaining this book in the mosque of she's been bas Ramallah, which is in Makkah, so chef Schumpeter used to go to Makkah every say every couple of times, and he would deliver lectures and or explaining certain stuff to the people and he would speak to the people and you will obviously give explanation of this book. So once it happened
that before he started his lecture, Chef rebels rahimullah happened to come into the mosque, and sat down on the side in order to listen to chef Chef monoesters at sushi at he realized that what she does, he realized it was second best and he stopped his lecture This is found in his tape, you can find this you can find this tape on snom way and other other other other places. This tape where he talks about where he actually stopped his lecture and is actually beginning but he stopped his lecture and he started to talk about shuttle bus and he went up he got up from his chair and he was shaking basil made him sit in his chair and he sat down on the ground and he started to pray shift
because I talked about how much important individually was and he kept on praising the man so much until until he you know he cried he happened to cry and say well it doesn't have to fit someone like me to be here when I'll share how grateful he is here and etc etc he's like a father to us and how much we benefited from it and this is all on the tape and will lie he kept on doing this until until Jeff and Gus had to tell him to stop stop stop that is enough and then ship invest took the mic microphone from him and then he started to praise shut PT he started to praise TV so much until he realizes the reason why she has done this or he did this was because of the toward the of the
humbleness of massage for Felicia like this just shows how to make other people feel important is so so important. And when you Pete when you make other people feel important, they will melt in your hands. What I used to do when I used to go to certain mosques in the UK, and this is something I used to advise my brothers who go to certain mosques For example, when people are not worried for example, or looked frowned upon. And you know, I used to go to these mosques, mosques. And I would see for example, the you know, the people would say, okay, there's a guy coming from Medina. And they would say, Oh, he's Wahhabi, he's calling the goodra. So actually I stopped wearing the good to
know, but they would say he's a Wahhabi, he's wearing the goodra is wearing the the Shema etc etc. When the headcover as you know the people in Medina were and he's coming here, he's his own hobbies going to take our children away from us. You know, the first thing I used to do, I used to go up to all the old
Men, I used to hug them and I used to kiss them on the forehead. And you know what all the old men would line up. All of them would line up to get a kiss on the forehead.
All of them would line up and everyone want to kiss on the forehead smile and I found this amazing after that, they would always be helpful and they wouldn't mind if I didn't do it if I didn't do after Salah they wouldn't mind at all. And they wouldn't mind forgive the English they wouldn't mind if I if I if I did not praise them if I raised my hands and Salah they wouldn't mind this Mashallah is a nice night every time I saw them, I would go and kiss them on the forehead and they would all line up every time they would line up to get a kiss on their forehead. And like this is the way to make to the hearts of the people make them feel important make them feel people of authority. And
when we do this the simple simple affairs perhaps this old man never got a kiss on his forehead. Perhaps his old man never even his children never perhaps kissed him on his forehead to make him feel important. And it is as you know the inner inner in amongst Muslim amongst the Dalai Lama as well that they used to go to their elders and kiss them on their forehead as a way of saying respect and showing that they are the elders amongst the group.
And you know this would just lie there it would make the elders melt in your hands they were party you know party was like that molding clay. You can you could mold them any Ico model any way I wanted. So Padma because of this little act and winning their hearts through this way. Last thing brothers and sisters in Islam that I want to mention in this talk today is is to give them small gifts is to give them small but frequent gifts. And through the gifts giving a small gift is a way to the heart of your brother. As was also had said the habit the habit, Allah you know give gifts and you will love each other. give presents and you will love each other. This is whether the system
is now in essence
the combination of your love for the individual when you give someone a small gift, I mean think about when was the last time you gave your wife a gift. Why don't you for example women of this country that love flowers, why don't you buy a small flower, a small rose you don't have to buy to buy one it means something means you're the only one don't buy to buy only buy only one okay it means something to a woman. Yes it does. You know these are secrets to the to the to the heart of women. When you buy only one and you give that rose to her the single rose it means a lot to the individual in a small gifts like that truly is a heart to his way to the hearts of your wife. And
for the sisters the way to the hospital has been and of course the way to the hearts of the men is through the stomach as they say but but you know the I'm sure you'll find small other small gifts to give to your husband as well. But surely giving gifts giving small gifts truly increases the love that we have for each other. It shows that we're loving our love is truly not based upon material things. However it is an expression of our love that individual illustrator knows best Can someone just mentioned to me please the three things I mentioned about how about psychology of the people? Does anyone know brother Do you remember what I mentioned?
no no problem
Yeah, no one likes to be criticized No one likes to be condemned or criticized right? What's the next one?
Yes, everyone likes to be appreciated. Everyone loves praise appreciation and the third one brothers
Yes, showing them their own personal benefit and doing what they what they want to do. Right as like for example your your your child when you buy him a bed and for example he wets the bed and you when you buy him a bed you say you're not gonna make your bed Are you that of course he's gonna say no no How can you make his own bed you know this is the way to make sure that the towel does what you want them to do. Okay, what are the seven things I mentioned and How to Win Friends what are the seven things and you know what I have mentioned this on top of my wall in my room when you go to it smile and it says don't criticize and it says I'm sure you know I have to I have to say that I sometimes
when I get too close to brothers I end up joking a lot but you know that's not a that's not to say that you know I don't
that I don't look after these principles as well but these are principles that you need to always look after that is first of all what are the four is the first principle brother's
name okay all right name remembering the name or after what is it
having genuine concern for the goodness of the people right what else
engage with them regarding the interest yes I'm not
giving gives her the easiest one all right. He didn't give another one
always be interested in them general interest for the people. We mentioned that already. But okay, that's okay. Become generally interested in people. That's number five. What else what is
being a good listener thank you and
smile, that's a smile. And along with that, I'm sure you will win friends. You will win friends. These friends will be your best people and they will be your best mates. Small things that we do all the time will lie. This is the way to
Make sure that we that we remain friends and this is the the true art of winning friends Allah Allah knows best Subhan Allah Allah we have the shadowline in the interest of the portable like