Channel: Tariq Appleby
© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.
welcome you to another workshops. And today we'll be talking about the thick of intimacy, which is an important topic. And we'll see why data over the course of the next two hours. Why be so important and why it is absolutely critical to understand that you know what exactly
it says about sexual intimacy and its importance, I will talk about
data. Just to give you some background, we have already discussed some of the fifth of many, we've spoken about what is needed for a data, we've spoken about the five languages of love. We've spoken about those things that destroy marriages. And today, we'll have I believe, the fourth of these workshops, where we'll be talking about the topic of intimacy, and we'll spend some time talking about the wedding night, the first night, the first night in which a couple are going to be doing that which allows for more data has been folded. So to get started, I suppose the first question we need to ask ourselves is what
is the anything
that talks about, you know, sexual intercourse and everything that is associated with that, that is mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah about these things? Because if they did, we will be, you know, we will have to innovate, we will have to use our own intellect and our own experience, our culture will dictate exactly what is acceptable and what isn't. But because the book
itself is from a loss of a high level of data, he is the one who created us men and women, allows
us to send to the needs and desires. And so the point is only logical, that
follows that we must deal with those fundamental desires, it must speak about it, it must teach us as Muslims, how exactly to deal with these issues, and how to, you know, find a proper balance for a healthy and a happy marriage, so to
speak about this issue in great detail
about this topic. Now, obviously, if we were to spend time to do all this, oh, we have to give them only about speaking about those, those those stories
and the lives of the companions, then we wouldn't be here for the whole day. But
what I want to give you is just a an introduction to what is discussed in the book.
But what we must understand is that the book
is not rude or vulgar. When discussing this issue. Yes, it is explicit. Yes, Allah subhanho wa Taala talks in you uses the word boy uses
and also uses the word wabasha. And similar terms, whether the end of the suddenness of allies, even boys,
and etc, needed distasteful.
Allah and His Messenger
discuss the matter of sexual intercourse in a way in which you and I understand, we know exactly what is being spoken about. I will never forget a cookbook that I attended in Cape Town, South Africa, my hometown. And
he was a man who tackled lawsuits issues, he was
then talk about any sophisticated you know, for some people, you want to go with those kinds of disposes, he would talk about things affecting the community, but I remember this particular one, but he was talking about 60 education. And I've never lost so much.
Because instead of talking about using actual words, like penis and vagina, he spoke about cookies. And he spoke about, you know, you use all sorts of funny terms to talk about, I suppose, and that's why we lost it, you know, no children come to the workshop today, I suppose because of goodbyes attended by you know,
teenagers and even younger children. Perhaps you wanted to, you know, sort of discuss the method in lis, you know, explicit steps, but for adults and for people that are married and for people that want to have
Then you have to be as explicit as possible. How will you just one last, your personal experience, we will never be men and women doing the thing, listen without a teacher.
And he was talking about the chapter on puzzle, what makes muscle compulsive? What when does it become compulsive before, you know, a full body illusion. And he started speaking about, you know, certain things like weight names, he started speaking about sexual intercourse. And I suppose he noted this in the faces of the students that will hold males,
you know, 90% of them, they will not vary. And you can see the look of shyness and
you know, that that keep getting in. And maybe you said something profound that we'll never forget. He said,
that modesty being shy, that's called about religion. But they can be no shyness when it comes to understanding and setting odd.
I'll say it again? And
the terms of shyness in discussing these matters? People will turn to the prophets of Allah
What if I do this with my life? What if I engage in food?
And then I simply eat something else? What do I do? I don't even know your body was so shy.
Because he was the son in law used to have this problem that his wife and he would sit, eat, you know, this piece of metal fluid, you don't step out of the woods. And because he didn't want to go and say,
so what did he do? He said, what that means
to go in the process of a law violations. What is a Matthew, if he experiences so the prophets of Allah, he was in that was confronted with these issues on a daily basis, men and women would come? And they would say, What do I do in this particular situation. And one of the issues that we must understand and how in our society is
We are learning about sexuality, and sexual intercourse and everything associated with it, the popular culture,
the TV series, the movies, even cartoons and children watch now
is a documentary about hidden sexual images in Disney movies and other you know, other cartoons and animation, which
is, it's amazing how our children are being indoctrinated. You go to most western countries, there is a subject vehicle safety education
is something that's called whether it's Africa or the states or Australia, they use a What do they teach children, they, they teach them that, you know, being sexual and having desires, that's normal. And you should embrace them, you know, those those feelings, and you should act upon them. It's normal, go ahead and fulfill your desires. And what
are they telling us, they're telling us that you are like animals, and you have no control over your designs.
In the jungle, they can't control themselves with a female goes into heat. They just, you know, they fight, they go, they go, they go monkey, you know, they go as they say, so
we are like that. And he's been indicate ourselves and our children. This is one of the worst things that you know, the internet is a useful tool, but one of the worst things that he gets brought into our homes and into our families is photography. And this is where our girls and our boys are learning about sexuality. And when they get married, they have this fantasy that the managers will be like pornographic movies, their husbands and the wives will do for them that which they see on the screen. And so we need to come back.
To understand that, yes, it is natural. Yes, it is beautiful, but they also need to understand and we also need to understand more than the physical part of it, the emotional implications of it, and I'll talk about that
as we go along.
that it is not
permissible for a man or woman, the husband or wife during the day,
if they have a policy, that they may engage in a sexual activity with kissing, or, you know, doping, and all of those things are definitely sexual intercourse is permissible during the day between between father and son. It's not permissible for a husband and a wife to engage in
these stages with the Father, the rulings have been revealed,
if you went to sleep,
and if you woke up at 3am, and you wanted to have relations with your spouse,
if you didn't have at that, you know that the beginning of the month,
until the next day, it would be hard. Obviously, this is difficult. This is typical. And some of us have made it so that the entire night of
a husband and a wife may engage in that which Allah has made Hello,
want me to leave?
You will they upload it for you, and you upload it to them? We've discussed this in great detail in a previous workshop. But for those of you who didn't, I'll give you just a summary of what we discussed. Look at the imagery that
is using in your wife is like the Goblet of
And you are like a goddess of love.
What is floating to
us gives us all gifts away hides our blemishes and our interventions conception. In this way, my husband should be like this for his wife, and a wife should be like this for the husband, what what else give us It gives us a sense of confidence. We feel fulfilled, we feel we don't feel that we don't imagine that you had to go out into the streets and you were not covered. How would you feel you'll feel vulnerable. But being married means that your spouse will your spouse will see to every one of your needs. And so then when you buy a home or you leave the home with a UI private or in public, you will always feel fulfilled, you will always feel a sense of protection and you feel
safe. And this is what we need to be to our spouses
is Allah knows that used to deceive yourselves so exempted up to date. So now have relations with him, meaning after the sending of the son of the boss, it is now permissible for you to have relations with your with your sexual relations, it's permissible until up until the amount of value
added value. And now capitalize off which is the touching of skin against it
doesn't speak to pigmentation. No, there is no use. Although the sooner we'll talk about that kind of you know, explicit detail the user something that we know what he's been talking about. Now, we don't need
to give us every single detail, but this is to explain. And before I give you the example of Javelin
maybe use one example from
the process of
If the circumcise part of the of the man touches the circumcised part of the woman, then the puzzle has become compulsive.
wanted to see what
he was saying Why? Because couples have many couples have this mistaken belief that it is only ejaculation or the orgasm that makes use of couples. But here the purpose of the law it was something different.
If the circumcised part of the man touches the circumcised part of the woman, then the puzzle becomes becomes
so even if a couple while during the course of intercourse, they do not have you know, orgasm, then that still makes the whistle policy. And this happens, you know, and we need to understand the rules again.
counsel couples wife thought you know this particular topic, and they come to me afterwards.
how many days have I bought for Juba in the state of Genoa?
Because I thought that I had this belief all the time, then only if I can relate to it.
this is the, perhaps the dominant of offline Why? Because there is another Hadith where the prophets of Allah while he was in
the water, eating seminal fluid semen in necessitates water whistle. So because you have to have these together, your understanding or my understanding would be incomplete, we must understand these two.
And then we'll get the proper understanding of data. But that's another discussion.
He says that when my father died, and his father died in the Battle of Ohio, and he was left behind, one having to look after seven or nine of his sisters.
His father passed away as they bought it at the Battle of poker. And he now needed to look, is he sisters? So
he was awesome. Have you married? Did you get married? And he said, Yes. The
big thing here? Did you get married to a woman who had never been married before you get married to a Belgian? Or did you get married to a woman that had been married before? So he said, I got married to a woman who had been married before. So the prophets of Allah?
Why do you not
so that you may play with
her, and she may play with you and have sports with you. And you might abuse her impose her to love, and she might do the same for you. This is important. And we spoke about this in our last workshop. Let me summarize again, what I discussed the
use of young people get married. Why is
this Heidi and I just wanted the view of young people if you can get married,
if you have the sexual desire, if you have the financial needs to marry, they do so because it will protect your your your eyes, the way your gaze, it will protect your right private thoughts. And if you get married, you'll be able to achieve this and we spoke at that time, we spoke about how important it is to understand what the Prophet is saying about marriage. And it's really pertinent to our discussion here. Oh, young men and women who have the ability and have the desire for marriage and to sexual intercourse. And so everything he did not say we're able to do anything do self because people feel it will make you feel emotionally fulfilled, it will get you a family of
your back, and the sub nagging you about why you're not getting and you know, you can be very
vocal in muscle
because it will help you to know what you're getting. And it will help you to protect your Bible. The prophets of the love it was an abusive marriage as having that effect on a man and a woman. Everything else everything else about marriage is subsequent and the secondary to this primary reason.
But we must understand this.
People don't always you know that that is why one of the worst that one of the most common reasons why couples have problems is not necessarily about six No, but it is about not understanding what marriage is and what it is supposed to help you achieve. And so when I accepted expectations that my wife is going to cook you know, she's gonna make this admit every day you know, and she's gonna have
you know, all my meals will be I'm gonna come home from work for lunch. When I get home from work, you know, she's gonna have all these things and she's always get a look, you know, the best. She's never ever gonna look tired or you know, she'll never she'll
never be sick. And if I get married with that expectation and I get married, just abundance.
expectations, love with the ease that is it isn't
reasonable. It's unreasonable to expect that my wife will
let you live to be busy, that you'll ever have other things on
always, you know, feel motivated to do those things for me. And if I get married with the wrong expectation, then I'm bound to be disappointed. And so therefore, we need to understand what marriage is fundamentally disarmingly. But that doesn't mean that it's not about romance, it doesn't mean that it's not about emotional detachment and fulfillment, it just means that we need to understand
we will get to that point. So
totally, why not marry a virgin, so then you may play with a teammate play with you, you might abuse her, and she might abuse you what is so important about this, because if you marry someone of the same age, it is more likely that your sexual desire, your interest, all of these things will be sort of in sync.
And it is more likely that if you marry someone younger than you, especially for the men,
that you will find you do you will kill people.
So the purpose of although it was in the best interest of jabil, but listen to this, this is important. Germany,
my father died, then I had
a young girl to be like my sisters.
Okay, she'll be the same age and she won't be able to take care of them. So I thought that I will marry someone who's older, and she'll help me to Fulfill my desires, but at the same time, she will be able to, to help me take care of my sisters, and also to teach them with mentors to experience she knows, you know, how do they use? My daughters? My sisters, so the prophets of Allah
told him You've done well.
And the Prophet May Allah bless you. So what do we learn here, the general rule is that you should marry someone that's either the same age as you or younger. But if you have a good reason for not doing so, then that is also the purpose of a low it was not insist that you divorce this older woman and marry someone younger. Though the
beautiful idea that you just had. mela bless you Baraka lofi.
yourself in mind with this decision with you also thinking about you also thinking about your sisters, so nobody would, you know, bless you for this, you've done well. So we need to understand, we're coming back to the main point of this, the prophets of Allah
talks about, you know, intimacy, he's talking about foreplay, he's talking about, you know, husband and a wife having fun,
but only sexual, but funny, and in general, play with one another. numerous examples of the prophets all along while he was doing fun things with these while taking a race. He raced it twice the first time she won the second time.
The prophet SAW lies at one why, and she says that, the second time I picked up wait. I wasn't as fast as I was the first time. Okay, and we'll talk about this later on how important fitness is
a few important points for us before we move forward. Number one, that he wants you to be happy. He wants a sound wants you to have a passionate romantic loving marriage allows
you to be happy.
And also, our data wants you to use the dounia to have eternal happiness.
And Allah has legislated marriage so that you can achieve them because they know attracted to women, and women are attracted to men and allies made if they just needed manage, so that you can have all of the joy and the passion and the romance and the sexual fulfillment that a marriage will leave behind the law. You'll find that there was a study done in South Africa, in Cape Town with about people your girlfriends and boyfriends have people have a specific study was done at the University of Capetown, about people who live together before they get married. Okay, obviously, most
Muslims involved with obviously this is a phenomenon as well in our society. But these people have been living together for 345 years, and then they decided to get married. But of course they were indulging in sexual intercourse and everything else. And so the study looked at the statistics of people who remain married for
two years, five years, 10 years, but they'd already been together for five or less years before that it
is shocking that most of those marriages ended in people's
Now, you know, the noble logic here is that if I get to know someone before that age, like if you know anything about them, you know, physically, emotionally, the likes and the dislikes, then after like three, four years, I should know this person very well. And finally we can make the commitment to get them.
the reality is the total opposite. And one of the reasons and, you know, obviously, they will have a psychological, you know,
social reasons that knows, but from my perspective as a student of Islamic knowledge, how many of you my understanding of those results, and that is that Allah Subhana, WA, tada tells us, what the
law what the law is given to spouses from amongst yourselves, and he has placed between you and your spouse, or your boyfriend, not your job, but between you and your spouse,
a deep sense of love and affection, and mercy. And that is ultimately what a good marriage is going to be based upon. Not having known everything about your spouse, you know, as they say, I remember, as a teenager, I went to visit my friend, and his, you know, his female cousin was with us.
And her mother told her, you should have this family, you should have this many boyfriends as possible. So that made you decide to get married, you know, you're making the right choice.
Something Allah will give us, she said, You must try before you buy.
And that is an understanding that people have it said, yes, it is it something Yes. But that is an understanding that people have, like, you should take a call out for this, right? If
you don't know what you're getting yourself into, before logging, you will see that one of the beautiful things about Islamic marriage is that if you keep yourself chase until the time you get married, you know, you gaze as much as possible, you don't local view, anything that will you know, sort of simulate your desires, and you get married. Life is beautiful. When we go into marriage, knowing everything needs to know about sexuality, and even worse, knowing everything needs to know about that person. That is no beauty.
What imagine a couple that have been, you know, living together for five years, and then they get married? What is the first cycle to be like?
This is nothing new. There's nothing special. There's no you know, as we'll talk about this later, no, you know, high levels of oxytocin, that's a wonderful hormone.
somehow find a way to synthesize this beautiful, it's not cool. The now mobile app is a the study of the BBC the other day, that said, what they did was they somehow figured out a way to activate the production of oxytocin in female mice. Okay, and you know, what they found that those female lights were no longer attracted to males.
So we talked about
the why, why am I mentioning that? Because the one who created us created everything in us so that we can have a lump sum of money now what is he made a lot of our hormones, everything about us. So that, you know, when we get many oxytocin levels increase, you know, for men, today, testosterone goes down. That is why you'll see brothers, Allah forgive us, when people get many men, you can see how to live off the open the door, you know, he'll be the wife, you know, dangerous in vain, for the first few weeks or months.
Why because oxytocin levels are
related, the oxytocin will come down, and they will go back up, and then we'll just be done.
Another important point is that scholars and
leaders in our society,
they need to talk about the subject, because if they don't have you, our children will just go somewhere else to learn about us.
I taught at a school in India, and they were 15 or 16 year old boys in one of the classes that I was teaching. They didn't even know about the women. They didn't even know what makes them what the difference was.
Three years ago, three years before that, they
but they didn't know what that meant. They didn't understand the significance. They didn't know that now they will get behind. You know, being a boy goes into Nova menstruation and what
our families are talking to us about these things. When we go, let me ask you a simple question, we should I go if I'm 12 years old, or if it's a girl, and she's probably 11 or younger, we should think about this. The bodies are changing, they're starting to become attractive to the opposite sex. They all seem these weird dreams, these explicit, you know, dreams about, you know, sexual intercourse and kissing and all of these things. So they're gonna go to understand this. And while they would be an angel Ponce's, but ultimately, none of that boxes will be based on the book of Allah and the Sunnah of the Prophet. So
one of the topics we'll discuss towards the end of the of the workshop is masturbation.
it's fine. It's natural. It's absolutely nothing wrong with going and do it, and do it as many times as you want. It's just a natural phenomenon.
So we'll have a lot of physical defeat before I even talk about what the
physical reasons why.
If you are a young person, you should not engaging
and it's going to spoil your relationship with your spouse when you get married. But
one of the main causes of marital problems is that couples don't know what to expect it they go into marriage with preconceived ideas, and they don't know what is what is it? What is it supposed to be like? So
one of the main things that we noticed immediately an example
of the story, Cinderella
Okay, what about Snow White in the seven blocks? Sounds familiar. Okay, let me think of another one. Sleeping Beauty is another one. How do these stories
before it's happened,
what was happened before this, there was a, you know, the pin sort of incense and he wasn't loud, she's so beautiful, you know, and then he was taken aback as I need to be with this woman, you know, and then he notes that
he leaves behind a shoe and he goes out, you know, and looking for this as being they live happily ever is that deal.
So what are the 10? What are we teaching our boys and girls, about marriage. If you if you love someone, if you fall in love with someone, everything's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay, to love that. You need to fall in love with that person. And you will never ever have problems again.
And every romantic movie, romantic comedies and other than other movies, they will sit around the same limits. And if you fall in love, you'll never ever have problems again.
That's something to think about. That is something that is preparing us for the kinds of expectations that we will have for many months.
Now, our expectations about specifically what we're discussing now, sexual intimacy, how culture is defined.
Give you a perfect example of this.
Model sex is a you know, an Albanian scholar who grew up in Syria
support the university, but he died about 15 years ago, mistaken. But he was asked about this. What we don't want what is your opinion, but he got me puzzled since then. So he said, it is disgusting.
If I remember the word sleepy, it is from the, from the culture of dogs and from the waist. Okay. How many dogs do this? If you ask a scholar in California now? What would you
You go to South Africa, you asked him the same question. They'll say you go to the south of India and you lost a SCADA with all the things is permissible, they will say it's how long
so are the ticks? Are they using the same?
But for most of these are not because why? Why do I mention this? Because these no explicit things
that forbids it.
Discussing more or less from his background and his culture.
What is acceptable practice in that culture is, is it's intolerable. It's, it's disgusting, you shouldn't do it, you go to another culture in Europe, and in the western North America, it's acceptable. It's even in college as part of a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse or with your partner. So we need to understand the influence of cultural decision to something more something more subtle, something.
These you're holding hands, a husband and a wife walking in public and holding hands. Some cultures.
Like you didn't see this happening in Saudi Arabia.
Okay, if you see a man and a woman walking in the street, holding hands when you go and when you go to do, they probably feel the media.
Okay, but more or less the culture in that country is that you don't show any any form of physical
contact or connection.
Okay, when you go to another country,
it's fine to kiss in public.
So we need to understand how important culture what role he plays in our understanding of what is permissible and what isn't permissible, okay, but we need to make sure that, you know, certain things are different.
The pilot should now appear that they are not allowed to do
other things that they are no good takes on and we'll talk about that.
Let's talk about the differences between men and women. They
are the differences. We even talk about this now.
Okay, they are differences. Okay. Not only physically but also but also psychologically, we think differently. And many books have been written on this is
comment from America. You know, he's been doing research now, and will tell you what he has discovered is so profound, because what he has done is he's, you know, they rented out a two storey building, and the last 90 couples to come to, you know, sort of a research facility. So they haven't been
sexual about this experiment, right?
They give the couples The last thing you know, what have you been fighting about this?
So, the couples say, Well, you know, I, my wife wants a dog, I don't want the dog. So they sit deep. What they do is they monitor them with cameras, the husband and the wife they both have, you know, these
these nodes attached the thing is, it's monitoring the the heart rate, you know, the the certain characters are focused on the eyes to see the pupils dilate or not. They look at you know, the facial expressions or the
scientific and these are asking them these questions and then they tell them okay, go into the bedroom. So they go into the room now they'll be wanted to talk about that very controversial stuff.