The Fiqh of intimacy 2 of 5

Tariq Appleby

Channel: Tariq Appleby

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Topics: Fiqh

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© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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I want to talk about Microsoft. As an example, for my, my husband wants to, you know, wants to buy a new TV, I'm saying no, we can't afford to buy a new TV, whatever the issue is, and they monitored it. And what they found is that men and women approach the topic in totally different ways. The way that they construct the arguments, how they respond emotionally and physically to certain things is completely different from

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the last one.

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And the veil is not like

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we didn't need to do 50 years of visit to understand that there are differences between men and women.

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More than women, and that is a general statement, entry point of intimate knowledge about data. This is my disclaimer, is I'm speaking in general terms, if the if sanctions in your marriage, this is an exemption, there is an exemption. But the general rule or the general principle, or what we know, this is whatever, I've been mentioning the following points.

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So desire six more than women. One of the main reasons for this case in our high level talk is substantive. Okay, we sort of drives how the medium and our sexual desire, and we have higher levels of that than women do. Okay. And that is also why

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10% of women desire sex more than that, when we can talk about this in terms of hormonal changes. But this, again, is a generalization that 10% of lives of women who desire sex, I have been counseling for about seven years now. Okay. And in that time, every couple that come to me, the issue is something about sexual intimacy, you find that I found in my experience, only one example what couple with a wife complain that they were not having intercourse often enough? It's always been in the few cases where we were discussing this issue with the husband would complain that, you know, we don't have enough sexual intercourse. Always making excuses. Well, you know, even when we

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have sexual intercourse, the wife always

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exceptions to the general rule is that men desire more than women.

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Men are more visually stimulated than, than women. It was a really interesting satellites. That was published on YouTube a few weeks ago, it's a social experiment, where this woman, she's on this dating website, and she's saying, you know, that was just about pictures of herself, which is really beautiful. And then when she meets the men, they put all of this, you know, a lot of makeup, and all of this extra padding. So when the men meet her, she looks

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faces three times the size, she looks like, you know, she, she had two other people

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the main thing

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and you can immediately you can see that the minimum,

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okay, the main a lot increase, and they all make excuses. They

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they get up

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women, so the man has a profile, where he's got a picture.

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And you know, the lady, and then they do the same thing to him with a big space, you know, twice or thrice the size, and they make a huge stomach. And when the women come in,

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it's amazing how only out of the, you know, a small percentage of the women make any comments about these, about these physical appearance and how he looks different from his profile picture. But he starts to talk to them, you know, and it makes it a lot and they need to go on and other things. Okay.

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But ultimately, men look at this issue much more differently than women. And it's a generalization. It doesn't mean that guys you should beat yourself go when you know you shouldn't groom yourself and keep yourself in shape. But it does give us an insight into the difference between men and women. And also why is a huge focus about women like one example is that the prophet SAW Allah. He was set up when he would return from battle from from jihad. He would camp outside of Medina, he would send a messenger from the camp into the city, and we told them that they will be entering the city in the morning Why?

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The prophets of the lie they will set up Sallam says in video, he says, so that the one who had not beautified himself may beautify the South and the one is

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A woman who does not shave their pubes may shave her views explicitly. What is the purpose of the law?

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We say to the women, get make yourself demeaning yourselves, you don't fall for your husbands because your husbands have been away for weeks or months that they will want from you what the husband wants from his wife. So prepare yourselves beautify themselves perfume yourself and get yourself ready for your, for your husband's, okay.

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oxytocin has a very big effect, the five languages of love, which I'll talk about a little bit later, it's very, very important to understand this use what happens when you know you fall in love. And when you get married, let's just focus on the benefits of the for the love of the baby, let's assume that that happened. So the couple get married.

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And as

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a marriage, the label goes down.

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When a woman's this foster level increases,

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and he's a man, his oxytocin levels also increase. And that is why he's more you know, he's more shovel is see is more generous for giving of his time is.

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And you find out a few months, what happens is that his oxytocin levels go down. And he says hospital goes up, and you will find it when men get married, they will be ready to be engaging full day with their wives, and to compliment them about how beautiful they are, you know, you're gorgeous, you're this to that. And you know, you will go on a PC, because at that time, he says the level isn't, is not at its normal levels. But later within that scope. And especially mostly men, what do they do, they say things like, but it's

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not saying that even if a woman is at this level, and pulls him pulls her out to do his bedroom that she should come

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in all of these things.

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So his understanding of this, unfortunately, is a huge, a huge misunderstanding that the Muslim men have the use the parameters such as a justification, but they do not use all of the things together to be given a job. The problem is

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that none of you should approach his wife like a donkey approaches.

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animals do not engage in any form of forming.

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There's absolutely no emotional attachment is the actor, the actor No. But he should kiss his wife, he should speak you know, you should know things like I love you know, you should make her feel that she's beautiful and he appreciates all of these things. And that's something we'll talk about, and hopefully inshallah we'll leave with the proper understanding.

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Men need sexual intercourse to express love. This fundamentally is one of the differences that men need that sexual release because what happens often a man ejaculates his oxytocin levels now increase again, that physical interaction with his with his wife means that his testosterone levels have come down.

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Amazing how

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is this possible labels now are use because he has he is diamonds, and he has had an orgasm. So now he's able to be more loving towards his wife. Conversely,

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women need to feel the love to make choices. Now this

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this will be okay, this is finally made today. If you don't understand this, then nothing else is gonna make sense. because fundamentally This is waiting for others

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to the brothers. If you want to enjoy your relationship with your wife sexually, if you want to be joining want to have sex more frequently, then you must commit yourself to be more emotionally involved.

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And you should give more of your time. You should be willing to use words of encouragement and love and affection that you should make your wife feel that is appreciated. You shouldn't she should understand from you, that you love her you appreciate them and that you value and assistance. Okay. If this has to happen, they need to be fulfill sexual. So it's it's an interrelated

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It's no, it's a relationship, it's called a relationship with Jesus. And he will allow you to understand this. And we can all dedicate ourselves to fulfilling this we will have more emotionally and sexually fulfilling marriages. It's it's a cycle. And if the cycle is broken, they both spouses will suffer. If the cycle is broken, then both spouses will suffer, because committed to treating his wife well, and making him feel that she has no interest in fulfilling his sexual desires. And unless she's interested in fulfilling a simple desire, the less interested he is, it shall be allowed to see me this is this is like a, this will spiral out of control. Obviously, there are

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other factors that we spoken about in other workshops that lead to, you know, to be managers, but we because we're talking about sexual intercourse, I want us to focus on this, there is no more loving and affectionate they wise will be more receptive to the sexual advances. And if women are more receptive to their husbands with advances, their husbands will be more will be more inclined to be to be loving and affection. Okay, and if each of each and every one of us, you know, manages

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to make that a reality.

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In this particular aspect for

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me,

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it's, it's okay, it's almost

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as famous, that is the reality that men can have sexual intercourse at any time. Okay, we are not, you know, like,

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we don't know, we don't have a Soul Cycle. We don't have profound, you know, hormonal changes. We don't have, I mean, men don't, they don't.

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They don't give birth. Okay, we don't have any of these sort of

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obstacles.

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We don't have those things. And so mainly to understand that the wives go through these, these cycles, okay. And then if you understand this, you will be

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okay.

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And then we'll see his wife, and he will be around.

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And you will go to her and he will, and you will

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know, some sexual content with a single PC with sexual intercourse. And his wife was like,

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I will.

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And so that needs to that needs to, it needs to be safe. First of all,

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it doesn't.

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You know, I've always been a couple.

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You always get that everyone becomes a boosted

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everyone's voting but doesn't say it doesn't

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say

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that it is that men can be taught allows only by seeing the wives and being allowed by women, on the other hand, go through different cycles, and they are not, as you said earlier, as visually stimulated as has been also.

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Men don't need foreplay to become sexually aroused. A man as I said, will see his wife, look at her, she might be in a state of itis, and he will become sexually aroused.

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With a woman. Most women don't

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understand why, if they were sexually aroused, and they go to the wives, and they want to engage in sexual intercourse, the wife might say no, they need to understand that women will not like it. Okay.

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We talked about

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two to have a beautiful and with it in terms of sexual intimacy for advantages as a whole. We need to understand that these are the five levels of love. They're not the exhaustive list, but I found this useful. The first is words of encouragement and appreciate you

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and in terms of sexual intimacy, telling your wife telling your wife how beautiful she is

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telling her that you know things like you turned me on. When I see you, you know, I can't get enough of you things like that. Making a field beautiful, making her feel valued, appreciated. This is important. And this is why

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not only the wise but also

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The husband's to make sure that the physical appearance was was good. Why would

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this work before?

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We know that he would use this word.

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And you would use this word before sign up, but why would you use me swag before entering? So

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you're free to answer.

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Why would he do that?

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Because if he was going to kiss his wives, he wanted to make sure that his that his beard was really good. And so that is why not be repulsed by his, you know, by the foul smell of his mouth. And that is why the prophet and before we even talk about that, in a general sense, the prophet SAW the little it was set up used to hate it, I'm gonna use the word hate

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when he used to hate foul stones.

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That's why the sort of the three, well, those are the two wives of the Prophet. One of the things they did, you know, when Allah subhanaw taala, without any abusive is that they needed honey, and one of his other wives hopes, so when he came home, he had the smell of that honey in his mouth. And his wife said to him, that's a foul smells.

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Obviously, out of jealousy,

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foul smell, and I

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was taken aback by that, because he didn't like it, when someone gave him a wooden, like they wanted to wait, they

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gave it to someone else. Why? Because at that time, wool had not been refined to the way that it is. Now when it gets when it would still have events, I suppose even now, I'm allergic to wool, so I don't really know. But it will get swept out the waves if I smell it.

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Okay, we don't know what it is.

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But the problem is

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not like

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they used to last always.

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Sound good, you look good. So he said identify myself, for my wife, in the same way that I hope that she beautifies the cell phone for me.

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Brothers.

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Morning, you know, and you know, go for facials once a week and you know, things like that. But be concerned that this is very, very important that you take care of yourself, yes, you want your wife to to look good for you. But are you looking good for her, again, is it simply need to understand, say things I get from women to say to their husbands, how amazing they are, and how much they love them. And

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I really love what you do for me, and I appreciate these things, etc. So when you have this, you have a healthy emotional time between two with a spouse, between husband and wife. And that then leads to the ability. One of the things before I before I forget to mention this, if you have this way, you know, people, husbands and wives are engaging in beautiful talk to one another, then you have an atmosphere in which communication can take place.

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during sexual intercourse, the husband to tell his wife get dates do it this way. Well, she could say I don't like it that way. But the husbands and wives each other outside of the bedroom, that I love you and I love what you do for me and you're so beautiful and do this and do that. And how difficult will it be to communicate and to talk about that individual

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it will lead to those lines of communication being closed. So keep it open,

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quality time.

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And when I say quality time, I don't mean that you and your wife are sitting in the same room together. Okay, you on your phone, and you know she's on something else, while she's watching the YouTube video and you're reading a book. That's the quality. Quality time means that I'm engaging with you. I'm looking at you. We need to know that when you spend time with your family, let's say you're going to visit your parents being in the same house as your maintenance when you go to visit a quality time going for a walk with your dad and talking while you'll be on this work. That's the time to get played sports play the board game for that matter where you're having fun together at

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the same time with each other. That's quality time and husbands and wives to make this very easy for themselves. Okay, one of those things is to have a gathering in the morning.

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It sounds so formal, but having breakfast together something that makes a coffee in the morning for having no discussion at night.

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When you get home from work, just talking and say things like, no, what was your day like what we will be doing?

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To really be interested in your spouse, your spouse will feel

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that, you know, he loves me. They love spending time with my husband is so busy, but he made time to sit with me as well, my wife had so many responsibilities. But she has in mind when I told her that we need someone to talk to I need support for qualified needs. It's not being in the same room together with your spouse.

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giving gifts. Lovely.

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My favorite, favorite language, okay, giving gifts. And the light gifts don't have to be accepted. As we said before, something simple, just a flower for many flowers.

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We gave it something that she loves. Because what does it say? Ultimately, doesn't matter what the gift is? What does it say to your spouse when you bring your spouse a gift? Wow. She was thinking about it.

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She wasn't with me. I wasn't with her. But she was thinking about me.

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He bought me a gift. And she had

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my husband. He's so busy. But he found the time to go to the mall. Give me a bouquet of flowers. You don't make it home and have a beautiful day. What does it say? That is why

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it's not just about what it is. So good models for actually

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doing things that will enable you to do things, they people, people appreciate that. They appreciate that.

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You know, you, you tell someone you know I'm here for you. I'll support you.

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And then they call you a week later.

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So what does it say to your

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spouse. But if you make

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it through thick and thin whenever you need me Do you can call me at 2am in the morning.

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And then they call you

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at 5pm

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My car broke down I can't get someone to come and told me to come and help me

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work now you know the last thing I want to do is go out again. You know so what does it say about the pension system.

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So with your spouse, you need to be more of what you say and what promises you make what you know what you want. You're going to tell your spouse for what what you will do. You have to act upon them.

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acts of service doing things to give a simple example make this a bit tactical

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brothers or sisters

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make your make your spouse makers

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keep it simple.

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How many of you has made the spouse a beverage recently? Coffee tea, no juice.

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Apparently

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my kids wake up in the morning

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the one coffee and they want me to make a peanut butter sandwiches.

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So my children are four years old.

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physical touch. physical touch is important what we mean here, not only sexual, physical touch for holding hands, hugging, kissing, you know, embracing your spouse. massages are very important. You know, like people are getting massages.

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And many people are going out to the massage parlors for massages No.

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But this is a perfect time to achieve two things. Number one physical touch and spending quality time.

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Even if it's a good massage.

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It shows that you know you're making time for you or your wife. It shows that you are that you're concerned about. Well, I see so many things. That physical touch is absolutely important. We'll talk about it in greater detail in terms of sexual intimacy. As we said before, women are not as visually stimulated sexually

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So the food is important for men to understand was to understand that full plate is absolutely essential. Okay, kissing, touching, massaging, all of these things are very, very important for a husband to know.

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So, what am I stating Jacob is getting married on Sunday. So he comes to my house on Friday.

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And he did that golfing before company now you've never been, you know, physical with a woman before?

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What? What?

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What am I gonna tell this guy?

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It's easy, because I know a lot of you are many too easy for me to talk about.

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to a young guy, two years old is getting married. And he's asking a very, very specific question. Like, what am I?

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Anyway, so I told him, and I really do a lot of detail that the more detail I went to the boy was blushing.

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Anyway,

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a month later, he beats me, and he hugs me. And he texts me. And he says,

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I would see him and his wife, I just

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think about

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if all husbands and wives can be educated like that, before they get married, they'll be happy, like this man.

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told him, you know, some of the things that I told him about, about foreplay how important it is, and how to be patient because without this data by containing all of these steps, I wasn't very explicit. You know, I didn't go into the details detail, but I told him what to do and what not to do and what not to do. Okay, and what to do if something happens, I don't even know Don't worry, we'll get better

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again, so, physical touch is absolutely important and it should not be restricted. One last thing before we move on physical touch was not restricted to the video

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absolutely no

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physical touch between a husband and a wife should not be restricted to the

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it should be all the time when you leave for work when you get back from work when you just sitting together you know, watching a lecture or you're going on a world war two all together, what is holding hands you know, listening something to your wife skill, you know, things like that you

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can only if you have an automatic gearbox,

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automatic gearbox, if you have a manual gearbox.

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Okay, last thing is that deal fulfilling intimacy is a combination of emotional and sexual factors. It is not one or the other, which is why necessity of emotional fulfillment will lead to sexual fulfillment and sexual fulfillment will lead to emotional fulfillment. And if we can understand that, what that is, I feel I've achieved one of the major objectives of this Okay, that is talking about what

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ultimately we didn't say we will talk about the theme of intimacy. So, this is this is the beginning. The first thing we need to understand is that kissing and touching and you know, all sorts of other related to sexual acts is increasing anything and everything which is Hello that leads to the sexual intercourse is encouraged.

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Okay, whatever leads to sexual intercourse is encouraged by

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some fundamental things that a man his ability to have sexual intercourse is only dependent on him having an erection whereas a woman needs to become sexually.

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Jasmine's become sexually aroused, and it needs to be lubrication. Okay, this is important, and this only takes place.

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10 1520 minutes Okay, before I go, there

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He's ready to engage in sexual sexual intercourse and maybe 1%. Because that, ultimately is one of the biggest differences between men and women and men is able to have sexual intercourse only by the election of his penis, and a woman is different. He made you understand this is also understand why the first the first night, it is important to be patient,

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especially especially for men and women, when I've had no prior sexual experience, if you've been if you've been married before,

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you understand, you know what, what needs to be done, you understand, you know, the opposite sex. But if you've never been married before, and you know, sexual, you know, experience before with a canal,

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then it's extremely important to understand the concept of patience. Number two, all things will positions allow.

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And I'll tell you something may be curious about

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obviously, with the condition that they be,

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doesn't matter what the position is, whether the man is

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the wife or the wife is

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position, we're not gonna go into all the details, but as long as they use meditation, it is permissible. In backcap, this is the purest form,

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there was only one understood and accepted way of having

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what was the husband?

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That was it, they divided the culture didn't accept anything else, that's the only way to do it. So when the wives moved to Medina, and they married women, they found that the women were more expressive sexually,

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which the women in Makkah will not, you know, and when they would sneak into the middle of

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the profits,

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and they spoke about, you know, this, this is

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difficult to understand

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the why is

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different from the women than they do with the different positions and they couldn't have the status. And so the process of a long

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distance

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may be kind of sexual intercourse at position is permissible, as long as it is done in the meeting in a woman's sexual sexual

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doesn't have to be okay. That is for a couple to decide what is comfortable for them what they enjoy, you know, it's different to the to to everyone. And that, ultimately is the fundamental principle is the way that the purpose of the law was set up the sky.

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The, as they say, the little bits of wasted

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energy, like

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everything else.

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So don't come to me, as many people do, what they should

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be asking me this question. But

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I remember one of my teachers he picked up he bought a book on sexual position.

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Tonight, he wants to know, because he wants to teach, he wants to add this book, and the end of the last chapter dealt with some things that I don't have time to discuss today, but a lot of fictitious. Okay. I'll give you an example.

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One of my teachers, they move in this was in South Africa, a woman came to him and said that she only, you know, denied sexual vision, if a husband does it a certain way.

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So the shift was

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the woman and this is very uncomfortable. Well, I, I remember the first time that you know, I

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had a sister came to me, you know, during one of the breaks, and she asked me a question like this.

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What do I say what do I do? It's very uncomfortable. But the principle is that it's down to that condition that anything is okay.