Desires – A Crash Course on Relationships – 02

Tariq Appleby


Channel: Tariq Appleby


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So I recovered a lot, okay.

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Okay, let's be let's start now with something that we all want to talk about. Right? And it's about dating. Right? Now, before we get into the details, and you know, all the issues. How would you define dating anyone? Like if I took my wife tonight, like, I asked one of you to babysit my three boys, and I took my wife to a nice restaurant, and we spent the night there three hours, and we just had a nice, you know, dinner and we spoke for three hours, and then we came home. Is that a date? When we add? Yes. Okay. So we need to be then more specific about what we are talking about. Right? So let me ask you this question then. In your perception in your though, if you were to define it,

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how would you define dating? Anyone? Someone, please.

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someone shares one of you? What is dating?

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Tell us tell us, we are excited to know.

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So you say that if I meet a girl before I marry her that's dating.

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Whoa, that mean most of you then are you you're dating? Right? If you meet the opposite sex according to this definition, then you've been dating. Okay? But continue continue.

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So dating means that you're spending money.

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And I tell you meeting the opposite sex, and you spending money, right? So that's dating and what else? And you're not married? You're not married yet? Right? So keep that in mind that no one's married yet.

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So you want to get to know them better. But here's the question. Here's the thing that we really need to ask, do you intend to marry this person after all of this spending of money? and getting to know each other and going out and seeing you and spending time together? Do you intend to marry this person? That's the question, because now we have something called Islamic dating, don't we? We have something it's like, you know, you get like a chaperone with you. You spend weeks and months you know, going out on these dates and go to the movies, go to the restaurants go to the malls go out, you know, some we're camping or something. But the father or the brother is always there. It's

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never, you know, no physical contact, but you have grown, you know, emotionally attached. You have a huge emotional investment in this person now, right? with the intention, of course, all.

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Now, I don't want to spoil anyone's bad idea. But even if you'll be going out to someone for five years, and then you get married, you're going to find out things about him or her that you never knew. Right? You never knew at all. I want to give you examples now and we'll get there later either. I don't spoil the surprise for you. Okay. But when you get married, no matter how well you know the person, you're always going to be always going to be thing because when you are dating, do you go in your workloads?

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No, you don't. Right. When you got dating? Is your mood always good? Yeah, you know, I mean, you don't show that person that you depress so you feeling down or that you know that especially like you know, if you've had a rough day or you know if someone has just you know, given you an earful like your mother or someone or you've had a hard time at work with your boss said, you know you happy you always excited you always smell good. You always look good, right? Nothing is nothing is too big for you. Nothing is do nothing overwhelms you. You're so strong. You're so emotionally secure. Right? And then when you get married Oh no. Once my wife cried for no reason.

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Like I thought she was so independent and strong. Oh, right. And then was the wife looks at the husband. Why is he so untidy he doesn't clean up off the video is looks at me his call was always so but he's like a pig now. Does it make sense? So what I'm saying is this come back to the point that we're making yes dating and means that I am interested in someone a boy interested in the girl girl interested in a boy. They go out on dates, you know, they see each other often. If they're not seeing each other at least they texting each other, they sending each other messages, they are trying to interact on some level. They might not necessarily be spending of money. That's old

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fashioned, right? Especially from a male perspective. Women pay for dates now as well. Right? So yay for equality. Right? So but the point I want to make is that they are not married and most of the time with Muslims. The intention is that I'm checking out this person if this person is suitable for marriage, right?

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Before we really become, what's the word? I don't like this word this much, but practicing. Have you heard this? When you become a practicing Muslim? Like, what were you before this? not practicing, like you had a practicing doctor? I'm very afraid to go to a practicing doctor. Does he know what he's doing? You know, I don't know, he's still practicing. But the point I want to make here is that people are Muslims, they want to know if this person is suitable in our culture. In South Africa.

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We don't always that's not always the intention. Marriage is not always on our mind. Okay, so when I'm in high school, when I'm at university, and I see someone that I meet listed in our daily thinking, marriage, I'm not thinking a house and children and all of those things, right? I'm really thinking about, you know, short term, sexual desires and those type of things. That's what people are normally thinking about. In most cultures, if the culture happens to be more conservative, more religious than yesterday, intention is normally unnecessary in this person, him or her, and, you know, let's see if it can marriage can happen out of this, okay. But the data that we are talking

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about now, which are large data includes all of those different definition doesn't matter. But if the person if you're not married, and you are in contact and involved with someone, even if, like some people haven't even met yet, right? I'm not going to ask, but there might be people here in this world today, who is having a relationship with someone they've never met yet. And that person lives in a different parts of the world, like possible,

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just weak, you know, that I know, it's you. Yeah. Anyway, but never seen them. But there's this emotional attachment. Now, this is emotional, you know, investment that they have in this person, even though they've never met this person. So that's still dating, even though they're not physically going out and eating together and having fun together, right. Now, the question now that needs to be asked that yes, I am interested in this person and we are in this kind of relationship. The question is, is it permissible, right? Is it something which Allah has allowed? That's the question we want to ask ourselves. So Allah says in the Quran, it's either when a loss of a handle

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that speaks about who we are permitted to marry, and what we are permitted to eat, not in detail, but certain things about that part of the ayah Allah subhanho wa Taala says, one would definitely be done. And they do not take secret lovers meaning they do not take from the opposite sex people that they are not married to, that they indulge with in sexual, you know, intimacy, or even emotional intimacy, intimacy, because you can have emotional intimacy without physicality can come to you. Without the physical touching. Anyone. Yes, you can show when you're on the phone with that person, I love you, I miss you. I can't stop thinking about you sound familiar? No. Hamdulillah, right. But

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this is this is emotional intimacy, when you are bonding with that person, and there's no physical contact. So Allah subhanho wa Taala not only addresses that, why, because I have seen in my experience as a counselor, that sometimes the emotional attachment is more it is more detrimental and more harmful than the physical contact that people had. Right? People can't move on. They wanted to marry this this man. And you know, his family or her family, or both families or for some reason, they couldn't get married. Right? And so they move on. So he moves on he marry someone else, but she can't get married. She can't be with someone else. Because she's given out to him already. He was

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the only person that she thought that she could love. She still thinks that way. So her life has now been stalled. I can't tell you how many people I have met like this people that emailed me even now that I that I've never met in real life, you know, not from a course like this, but people that send me messages like this men and women, and I've seen how it's destroyed the lives. Okay, so Allah subhanho wa Taala Yeah, not only speaks about the Zina the fornication and the physical and the sexual but also this is important to realize that is also speaking about that emotional attachment that people have to the opposite sex and it's a strong it's a strong one because always greeted us

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with the need to have that for for the opposite sex. So it's the so this is the first idea then the second or other the first proof. The second thing we also need to realize is that the Sharia has forbidden Xena, right? Is it is it permissible in Islam? No, it's up permissible. And so what Islam is that is not only to tell you that, you know, Tarik, it's hard don't do it. But they say to me and you it is how long let me teach you how you can stay away from it. Let me teach you how you can avoid falling into it. So what is the first thing Allah teaches us?

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About sorry, him, tell the believing

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To lower the gaze. Well yeah fabu gentlemen and let them protected by the pots. Now when you gaze sound simple, because when I look at someone desirable from the opposite sex, that's the first thing. Let me give you a typical example.

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young boy 1516 years old walks into the mall. He's dressed you know, a 16 year old boys go to the wall dressed in his 16 year old boys. Yeah, right. Excellent. So they go to the mall and I do we make the best clothes, the shoes, Mashallah. They might even gel the hair. I don't have that anymore.

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But Alhamdulillah right.

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So now I just on a side note, I tried to scare my son, right? Because he likes to now you know, he wants to do gel. He's He's seven years old, because he saw my brother's doing it. So I tell him, you know why I don't have here anymore. Because I used to gel it.

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So now when he wants to do it, he's like,

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I like my hair too much. I don't think I want to lose it. But let's move on. So that's how they go. So now he's in the mall. He's looking good, smelling good. And then he sees someone. Mashallah, that's always the best of great is this is a practicing brother. Right?

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It was the best of the 80s. And he sees her. And he finds a very attractive, she's standing there with her friends. And what's the next thing he wants to know something about now, doesn't he? Because he's that physical attraction is there? What's the name? How old is she, where she from? So if he's a is a person with confidence and self esteem, and he's done this before, he's been told how to do it, and this is the other issue, unfortunately, but we'll talk about that a little bit later. inshallah. So he goes over, and he says, you know, hi, Sara, Sara Marie. I'm sorry, not I write that he greets. Like, what's your name? You know, and then he wants deepracer matsuki? the address of

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Arabic as well. And he gets to know her. Right? And that's how it starts and what is he leave with? You know, what's your, what's your number? What's your Are you on WhatsApp on Facebook? You know, and then he leaves with that, and then he goes at home at night. He's excited. She's excited because she felt the same. And this is how it starts. Okay? Then he says, you know, let's go on a date to go in a day. And most of the time in most cultures, unfortunately, that always ends up in a physical relationship. Okay, it might not go into full you know, what we would say is Zener, but every other step, okay. That's normally how it happens. It happens many other ways. You know, not done doesn't

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have to be a mall. You know, let's not let's not stop at the mall. I've seen this happen that Islamic gatherings like this as well, right? Unfortunately, brothers are standing outside they right. Give you an example. I mean, one country, I won't mention that country. And we're having a break. And I'm like, this brother, like, sister. So where are you from? And I'm like, Really? You came to an Islamic event and this is what you are doing? So halala very disappointing. very disappointing. But anyway, it does happen. Why does it happened? I can't judge those people. Why? Because it's natural. It's gonna happen. Okay, what do you need to do? The first thing you need to

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do is lower your gaze. Okay? We knew in the company of the opposite sex, lower your gaze when you're in the mall, lower your gaze. What does it mean as me walking like this and then knocking into things? No, doesn't mean that that I lowering the gaze means averting the gaze is looking somewhere else. Right? So she's the I'm looking there. Right, talking to my friends. I don't have to stare at her. Because the more you stay, the more you will want to. You want to know more, right? The more attractive that person will become. And that's why lowering the gaze is the first step. What is the second step? The second step now is not too fast, right? But the second step is what the prophets

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Allah Islam says in the Hadith that you have in front of you,

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that no man and a woman is alone, except that shaper is the third amongst them. Now, when I was growing up, and I heard this idea, because I had many female friends, I never understood it. I'm alone with

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nothing, you know, but what's the point? But then I realized as as when I started counseling, this Hadith, how powerful it is, had Allah Most of the couples that came to me because of adultery, and because of

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you know, being involved with someone else has always been because at work, they were alone with someone from work a colleague, they spend time together, going over reports, finishing assignments, or whatever they needed to do for work. And this happens at universities as well. And what happens is, because whether you're married or unmarried, what happens you would say, if you're unmarried, you're like, Wow, I've even noticed that. She's got a beautiful smile.

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I didn't didn't know that. Like he's got like, you know, he's got dimples. I didn't know he has dimples. And I and when you alone with someone, like they so kind so you know, they saw a fiction, it's so so mature, so intelligent and the listeners you know that this goes on whatever you

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Big is attractive in the opposite sex. When you are alone with someone from the opposite sex even though you didn't find him attractive before, you will be amazed how many things you can now list is attractive about that person. And I were just talking about the physical traits because we are not all attracted to the physical traits alone, most of us are attracted to everything about that person. Right? Everything about them, their personalities, their intelligence, the fact that they are shy, for instance, or they're not shy, they the opposite of shy, right. So these are all things that now when you are alone with that person becomes very, very apparent to you. Okay. And the next

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thing that happens is that slowly but surely, that emotional attachment becomes a physical one. And what then what has happened, you have been fallen into what allied made Harlem at the beginning, which was, which was Xena. And Allah says, while takanobu Xena do not come close to it stay far, far away from it. In our culture, let me share something with you.

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On the day of age, what do you call a dry, barren,

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barren? Is that an Indonesian way? Because most of my ancestors, at least my Malay ancestors came from Java and Mikasa. My great grandmother's from Makassar. Right? I know many of you when you saw my bio, you thought that was going to be of different colors, right? Like like this often? Anyway, like, my all will be a different color than this. All right, anyway. But the point I want to make his underbara on eat, what happens is that we kiss everyone. Right? So if I go over to my name is Liz. And he's got three daughters that are teenagers or older. You know, I'm like Santa Monica and a kiss on the cheek. Right. Sarah Marie communication at a bar in Nevada in Nevada. Right? And we

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don't think that's, that's a problem. Really? Well, it's normal. It's normal in our society. Okay. And we used to when we were growing up used to look forward to a, not because it was a because then you get to kiss all the girls. Right? That is our culture. But the point I want to make here is Look how our societies don't think or rather not think. But our societies don't give importance to what Islam has given importance to.

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We don't have the same ideals. We say we are Muslims, but we don't have the same objectives. We don't have the same ideals. We don't have the same goals. We don't think like the Sharia thinks if I can say that. Right? If the Sharia thinks I'm just using it as a term, right? We don't we don't our minds are totally we know, we don't think like that. It's still it's like alien to us. So what I'm saying is, if you are going to protect ourselves, we have to become more in sync with this, you know, when you sync your phone.

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Those of you that have smartphones, you know, when you sync your Google account, those of you that have Android, which is the only phone you should have anyone that has an apple should get rid of it now, you know, any apples or Mac books, I saw one over there, I was like, keep that away from me. I want you to read it to see. But which leads me to something else, but let's not go in there. Right. The point I want to make here is that we have to become in sync with the Sharia, right we have to sync ourselves the shared yesterday we can protect ourselves now coming back to the dating issue. And you give me the next slide inshallah.

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Right, so you're on campus right now you at the university and you are working in dialogue. You're part of the Muslim projects within heroes project, you're part of the, you know, the What do you call it here? The SRC, right? The MSA. There we go. Excellent. Right. So the MSA and so they are men and women girls and boys in in this organization. And so what happens is what normally happens is how do you interact with the opposite sex in these gatherings? Now what I've seen unfortunately, in so many countries that I've traveled to, is that these essays become a place where people don't come together for the sake of Allah, but they come together for the sake of

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looking for a spouse. Right? So why are you joining the MSA brother? No, no what why don't want to work for the sake of Allah. I want to give Dawa I wanna okay really Brother Why okay, but

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that how does one avoid that happening that it becomes that firstly purify your intention, but when you already are in the organization, make sure that your interaction with the opposite sex is kept to a limit, you know, when you answer the phone and this is for everyone, for those of you that are married, those of you that never want to get married, whatever, right? Is there anyone here like that? Okay, you can tell me later in private, right.

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But the point I want to make here is that keeping your interaction to the bare minimum that you need to and also the way that you interact not like a Mashallah sister. You look so beautiful. Well that Avaya fits you so well. That I I've seen brothers do this. I'm like I wrote that below. What are you doing? That I am telling you? How the makeup looks on her. What a beautiful smile. She has. You know why?

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Do you need to talk to her about this? Is the report finished? Yes, no. Does that look around and I'm gone, right? I don't need to know everything about you and tell you what you are like and what I'm like, you know, in my country in South Africa, we do this and we do that we have table mounted and what do you have in your country, you don't need to speak about those things. Avoid joking. And I, because we are attracted to people who sense of humor we enjoy. Whether we are males or females, if your wife can make you laugh, Mashallah, that's an amazing thing. If you can make your wife laugh, that's a beautiful relationship right there. Right is not the only ingredient, but it's an

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important one. So when I joke with a sister, and she finds it funny, or she jokes, she makes a joke. And I find it funny that it is up for attraction. And because you're not married, that's something that you want to avoid. If your society is like mine, you know, when people phone and like, let's say someone phones and so now Erica,

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can you do it this way?

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But how are you? How's everything? How's the wife has the family has the husband? You know, how's all this and, and the conversation, none of this is necessity. Okay? There's a difference between being rude. And being in skin keeping too, to the bare minimum. Right? So now aliko?

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Yeah, Honey, I'm fine. How are you? Know, mine? My husband's not here, right now. I'm on my dad, or my mother or whoever, right? can take a message for you. Okay, does that sound like, That's it? But our conversations are not like that. Okay, we, I was at an office recently. And I noticed that the interaction between the men and the women was far more cool deal than it's supposed to be. I'm not talking about sometimes, you know, you say something funny, isn't it. So, like, you're in a group of us men and women. And then someone says something funny, and everyone's laughing, that's fine. But when it becomes something where you want to make everyone laugh with you intention is to draw

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attention to yourself, especially that person that you are attracted to in that group, then it becomes something that you need to worry about, okay? Because sometimes we want things and I want to share this with you. Sometimes we want things that we want them badly. And then when we get them, they destroy us.

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We want them so badly with every ounce of our souls and our desires, we want that thing or that person. And then when we get that thing or person, then it destroys us. So be very, very careful about how you how you know, how you go about getting what you want, and making sure that it's always in line with the Sharia. Okay, never be alone. Of course, this goes without saying when you're having your meetings on the MSA with your project, you know, never be alone with anyone from the opposite sex. Always make sure that they are a group of people that you know, never go on trips alone, you know that we're going for our printing, whatever, don't do that alone. Okay, always make

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sure that there are people around, don't just make sure that communication is kept to a minimum if you ensure this and let me share something with you. If you are interested in someone on the committee on the MSA, there are two questions you're gonna have to ask and so can we get to those questions in Charlotte?

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Okay, this idea Have you all heard this hadith the Hadith says that there is nothing like there is nothing like marriage with two people who love each other who's heard this idea before.

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Anyone this Heidi now has had a lot because people come to me they say chef, I like this girl she likes me We must get married. Please convince my parents.

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Okay, all right. And why should I do that? Because the prophets Allah Eliza said that is nothing better for two people who love each other like each other males and females, of course, except that you they should they should get married. That's how they understand it. Okay, well, we have to understand is the following what is this Hadeeth mean? Number one, these are mutual attraction. Don't come to me with this Howdy, and you like the person but they don't share your feelings. The hurry doesn't apply. Because the Arabic says Mota have beanie and on that scale, there is mutual attraction. I like you, you like me, that kind of thing. Right? So that's the first thing. The

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second thing is that attraction is both physical meaning that you will feel that if you don't get married to this person that you will commit Zina the both of you feel this way that so strong is your attraction that you feel that you will fall into into Harlem. And this hadith does not encourage this means that is already that attraction, not that the attraction has been developed in a hot arm relationship. Let me say that again. What do I mean? Right? So you have been going out for a year.

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Right? And now you want to get married and now you call daddy daddy doesn't apply to you.

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Do you understand that it doesn't apply to you that applies to someone let me give an example. I go to the masjid I don't know why this is going to happen at the masjid. but bear with me. I go to the masjid as I'm walking out to the masjid, I see a beautiful sister. And I don't mean beautiful only in a physical appearance. But I see a very nice martial law, she's got the most teachers with a dad, you know, etc, etc. And I see a father and I think to myself, so behind Allah, Daddy, someone that I would like to like to get married to. So what do I do? I speak to the Father, we just share something with you quickly. I had a friend. This happened to him. So he wanted to get married to

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this girl. But he wasn't going to the masjid and her father was a person who goes to the mercy that many times a day by, right.

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So what he did was he said he said he told me Tarik lie. She's beautiful. She's amazing. No, she's shy. She's intelligent. Ah, you know, he was like eliciting, you know, all the things about him. That just made her so amazing that I and he asked him, I said if he her father will never marry her to you. This is why because you don't go to the masjid. Right. So I said, Okay, I see your point. Nick Salah is in the masjid. He's in the musty for every Salah after that. Every Salah is the first in the masjid, in the first stuff. And he makes a point of the empty sila. He goes to greet the father, that I want to come out go you see if I were you.

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That's how it goes. And it goes on like that for weeks. Right? goes on like that for weeks. But you know what, Subhana Allah, he started going to the masjid for to get married for someone, right? But a lot placed in his heart. I love for sila, a love for the sweetness of a vida of worship. And he started really well i i know this person, you know, personally, he started forgetting why he came to the masjid in the first place. Because then he started coming for the classes. He would sit with the Imam after and go over his score. And even long after the father had gone in after them in the mornings for federal and he just became a more practicing, you know, stronger brother. And you know

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what happened? The father came to him one day and said, You know, my I'm not gonna say his name. But you know what, Hannah law, I think you are the perfect person to marry my daughter.

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Right now I that is not a romantic story. I don't know what it is. But anyway, Mashallah, they have four children together today. hamdulillah. Anyway, let's move on. So the point I want to make here is that the idea does not apply to the person does not apply to the person that has been going out with someone for a year or five years, or however long. And now when they want to get married, especially when they're being criticized for the how long relationship? Right? Oh, and how can you be no Subhana Allah Do you know, etc. And you This is wrong, and this shouldn't be doing this? And then they say, Okay, what should we do, then we'll get married. And so what they do is they come to

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you and they say they quote, this hoodie, this hoodie doesn't apply to you. This applies to that person who just happens to have an attraction. Not a deep No, like Romeo and Juliet kind of love, you know. And I really get to Romeo and Juliet a little bit later, right? But this doesn't apply to that person who was engaged in a long relationship for many months or years. And now wants to use the Hadith as almost as the last chord, forcing the parents to get them married. Okay. Can we move on each other?

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I think this has happened to, to all of us, right? This has happened to all of us. So

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I thought they were seeing something I wasn't saying.

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But anyway, this has happened to all of us whether we are going to admit it or not, but it has happened to every one of us. It has at some stage of our lives. We have had a crush. I don't know what you call it in Malaysia.

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I say it again,

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is the official word. A slang term, a crush. In South Africa in Cape Town we call it we use the word smack. Literally the word smirk is an Afrikaans Dutch word for for tasting.

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I never thought about it like that. Anyway, anyway, anyway, so smart and smart crush whatever word you want to use. It is an infatuation with someone from the opposite sex, a girl a boy, whatever it might be. Okay, so we've all experienced that and we've all thought that it's love.

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This allows feels like butterflies in the tummy. You know, when that person walks into the room, like oh, you know, just you know, and when that person smiles you smile you know that person's happy you have ever since said, you are you're overflowing with empathy and isn't itself. Like why are you so sad? Okay, that feeling infatuation right, a crash

00:30:00--> 00:30:28

smack if I can use that to it. So now what happens if this what what should you do if this happens to you, okay? Because it's natural, it's going to happen, right? It's not something you can just shut off. It's not a part of your of your of your of your nature, you can just press a button and it's gone. You all of a sudden not attracted to the opposite sex. I don't find that person to be, you know, the best thing ever. The best thing since sliced bread, as my mother always used to say, and I never understood it, and I still don't.

00:30:29--> 00:31:11

Okay, so the first thing you need to be you need to be aware of is lady did not distract you from the worship of Allah. When you find that your crush has taken over all of your thoughts, even when you are inside out. I wonder what she's doing now. This is a bad sign. Allah here is a bad sign. When you are worshiping Allah and you're still thinking of that person will not be with that person causes you to become so depressed, you stop going to the masjid, you stop going to classes, you stop reading the Quran, you stop, you know doing anything which is something which is beloved to Allah, then you know, you have a problem, okay? If you follow some of the steps I mentioned earlier, about

00:31:11--> 00:31:58

dating, and about being, you know, around the opposite sex, you will protect yourself even more. Okay, the next thing you need to do is ask Allah MiG tau Allah to Allah that if this person is good for you, then Allah should allow you to marry this person. If this person is good for you, Oh Allah, you know, if Mohammed or Fatima is good for me, then make this person part of my future make this person my spouse, because while law he loves him, I swear by Allah, that the best expression of love, as the Prophet said, is marriage. It is where you can be as comfortable as possible with the person that you love, you will not find this in any other in any other relationship. Okay, when you

00:31:58--> 00:32:37

are married to someone, when you can, when you are comfortable, that person protects you, you protect them, they take care of your emotions, your physical needs, all of them. All of these things that you know, we want to manage. And we'll talk about you know that a little bit later, but you will not find it in what Allah has made out of you will not find happiness, you will not find contentment, contentment in what Allah is made out of. Do not Don't let let's not fool ourselves, that because it is love. Everything is okay. movies, TV series, magazines, novels tell us that as long as you love this person, everything is okay.

00:32:39--> 00:33:10

You can run away from home, give up your family and your friends. You can disobey Allah subhanho wa Taala. And give up on your dreams, let's say you want to be you know, you want to be a aerospace engineer, or you want to be a doctor or you want to be you know, something you want you want to do to pursue a certain career, but because you fell in love, you have to give that up. Right? So all of this is to fix it because it is not a high level relationship. So keep that in mind. The next thing that you want to do go back please.

00:33:13--> 00:33:54

Right is two things you want to ask two questions. Two questions, right? You want to know if that person feels the same way? Because if they don't, then that's just said, right? No, I mean, I don't mean it like that. Oh, no, no, no, no. I mean, that you love someone you want to be with someone they find that person that you know, so amazing, but that person doesn't feel the same way. Why would you continue living your life like that? That's anguish, that's depression, that sadness. That's heartbreak. That's heart ache, right? You want to be with someone but you can't because they don't feel the same way. And I Why would you do that to yourself? Okay. You wouldn't I mean, would

00:33:54--> 00:34:14

you put your hand on a fire, you know, it's hot. You wouldn't do that, you know, you stay far away from it. Okay. But once the food has cooled down, okay, that's a bad example. bad analogy, this, strike that off. Let's move on. So that's the first thing you want to ask you want to ask is that does the person feel the same way? The second question is, can you marry this person?

00:34:15--> 00:34:27

Okay, now, what happens is, Muhammad likes Fatima or let's use Khadija in this example. Right? Mohammed likes Khadija Khadija likes Mohammed. Okay, step one.

00:34:28--> 00:34:31

Step two, can you get married?

00:34:32--> 00:35:00

Or deja, while my parents don't have a problem with it? What am I? Well my parents do because we still students and I'm not working and they want to know how I'm going to take care of you, etc, etc, or worse than this one is Khadija is not from the same tribe, country or race as Mohammed is. That's the problem that that kills me in KL every person that comes to the office now for counseling, it's

00:35:00--> 00:35:00

This problem,

00:35:01--> 00:35:06

right? She's from she's from Nigeria is from Japan, you know,

00:35:07--> 00:35:38

someone's from Bangladesh. Another person is from England, right? Someone's from here from Malaysia. Right? Her parents are fine with it. But he, you know, his parents are from either way, I'm not gonna say, and they're not fine, you know, you should marry someone from that place. So how long? Why? Because it's our culture. It's our race, you know, we must keep the genes all day, right? You want to dilute the hell the worst one I heard. We don't want to dilute the gene pool are rubella. What is this?

00:35:39--> 00:35:45

dilute the gene pool is because you're not diluting Anyway, let's not get into that.

00:35:46--> 00:36:27

So this is the problem if two people fulfill the conditions which the Sharia have stipulated, it doesn't matter where the one comes from earth and the other one comes from Mars, let them get married. Okay. But anyway, I'll talk about this later in shallow data. So these are two questions you need to know. Does the person feel the same way? And number two, can you marry that person? Okay, if not, then move on. It's difficult. I know. A lie. It's very difficult. Okay. But if you if you love a law and you love yourself, then you will do it. You will move on. How do you move on? If you didn't find someone else? Find out about the other people. You know, people always joke and they

00:36:27--> 00:37:06

say the thing about the fish in the sea, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, you fish in the sea. And I heard this before you use it in Malaysia. Right? fish in the sea. So that I don't like that. Because it's, you know, it's kind of demeaning. But I like the sentiment what what is what does it mean? What is the sentiment? What is the purpose behind this, it means they are other people, and what llahi they are people sometimes better than the person you thought you were attracted to in the first place. This is the reality, okay, if you can't see the person doesn't feel the same way. And you can't marry that person or both. Then move on. Right? Try ask a lot. This is the first thing, we never do

00:37:06--> 00:37:43

this, we always wallow in our self pity. Ask a lot to remove those feelings to make you feel better. Ask a lot to take away your longing for that person. Take away these feelings of depression and heartache that you feel because they don't feel the same way or that you can't be with them because of their parents or whatever other reason, right? The first thing the second thing is stop being in that person's company. Right? If you have to resign from the MSA resigned from you know from that committee, do another sport, do something else so that you don't you slowly wean yourself off from that those feelings that you have, right? But always make sure that you turn to Allah Subhana Allah

00:37:43--> 00:37:46

Allah when you feel that way, now we can move on.

00:37:48--> 00:38:02

Okay, right. I normally, it's a pity that, you know, normally when I speak to younger people, we ask them what movies they watch, you know, because they're not vocal enough yet. You know, like 12 and 13 year olds. So you watch movies?

00:38:04--> 00:38:15

What movie do you watch recently? And they tell us, right? So if you look at every video, this is talking about animated movies. We don't even talk about like real movies. who watch The Lion King.

00:38:17--> 00:38:18


00:38:19--> 00:38:35

the Lion King. Okay, so the Lion King, let's go with the Lion King. The Lion King is an animated movie 1999 95 whatever year it was. 94 Oh, excellent. Right. So like me, you are someone who watch it like 20 times, right?

00:38:37--> 00:38:45

But the Lion King, it's about a father and a son. That's part of the story. That's part of the plot. But what's part of the plot is well,

00:38:46--> 00:38:48

doesn't Simba fall in love?

00:38:50--> 00:39:06

falls in love. There's so many other lionesses, but he falls in love with this one. They have an undying love for one another. They have to be together. And as you know, it's a movie so there must be a happy ending. So they get married and they have a you know, they have comes up the ability to get married. I don't know, right.

00:39:07--> 00:39:24

But let's pause here. And let's go to another movie. And another. Almost every single movie you can think of. I want to ask you this question. every movie that you've watched, name a movie that does not have a romantic theme. Even if it's a harder, it has a romantic theme.

00:39:26--> 00:39:42

There's somebody that's dating or there's something happening there is love and his affection and his other things happening. But there's really this Bailey movie that's on offer. Oh don't don't get me started on Bollywood. Oh my goodness, that I they don't know anything else. And I

00:39:44--> 00:39:57

Bollywood is like every movie even with the movies talking about a nuclear terrorists, you know, something? There is love and there's some study going on there. But what's the point? They know how you and I think

00:39:59--> 00:39:59

they know

00:40:00--> 00:40:36

That we find that very, very, you know, appealing. That's very attractive to us. We want to go and watch people fall in love and people, you know, live happily ever after. And especially when they are two attractive people, isn't it? So? Oh, that's the dream life. You know, guys are sitting there watching it all together. Hey, you know, I wish my wife has hair like that. And she's like, I wish my husband had a body like that. And, you know, this unfortunately, what is happening? Not that I'm saying especially for the brothers. Right? Yeah, what there's nothing wrong with having a six pack that we hit, you know, get a six pack you know it's it's it's it's allathee it's the sooner actually

00:40:36--> 00:41:14

By the way, the profits are low it was said about a flat stomach and a flat chest and it used to eat very little right we know that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam was very physical used to hustle used to ride horses used to fight in the you know, in in jihad. So the prophets Eliza was a physical person. If any of you come to KL, I will take you to our mixed martial arts gym. And we'll put you through your paces in sha Allah, but join us come right and soon inshallah Allah, we're going to start a female section. So we'll be doing martial arts training for the women don't worry, there'll be a female trainer, special times, etc, etc. But let's move on. So TV series, who has watched the

00:41:14--> 00:41:17

TV series, How I Met Your Mother,

00:41:18--> 00:41:34

you saw that? Now tell me how difficult isn't going to be for a teenager or person in their 20s? Or at any age watching this and believing that it is not it is okay. It is not okay. Okay to be involved in that kind of relationship?

00:41:35--> 00:41:43

Because they normalize it for us. That's what normal people do that no, no, no, not normal. That's what cool people do.

00:41:44--> 00:42:20

That's what cool people do cool. People sleep around. Cool. People have as many boyfriends and girlfriends as possible, cool. People don't care who they hurt in the process, cool. People, even though they get dumped, they pick themselves up again, and go out and date 20 or 30 other men and women. That's what cool people do. Sophisticated, educated, right? That's what they do. And I can I can go on and on and on giving you names of movies and TV CDs. But this is the picture they paint for you and me as a Muslim. Right? This is the life that you need to aspire to. If you want to be successful, you want to be cool. You want to be you know,

00:42:21--> 00:42:33

you want to be someone admired. And this is how you need to live your life. Okay? So you look at novels, and I want to say two things with you. If you look at the pornography industry, it is geared towards

00:42:36--> 00:43:21

pornography is geared towards men, it's marketed for men, specifically, even though many, many women watch it and engage with it and consume it as well. But this like novels, and movies, and this focuses more on the demographic, the female demographic, why? Two reasons. Men in general, are more physically, you know, stimulated, that women are and women are more emotionally stimulated than than men are. So they know exactly how we think that is why if you look at most of these movies, there's an equal slightly equal amount of both physical you know, they show us the bodies, and the forms of men and women so that the men are or they know, like, all attention, and is an interesting amount of

00:43:21--> 00:44:01

romance and love, and empathy and emotions and affection and all of those other things. And women find that men also find it attractive, but women find it more attractive. Okay, more. It's a general statement. Not all women are like this. Not all men are like that. But generally, this is how we are. So what do we do? I don't, I'm not, I'm not here to tell you that you should stop watching these things. Right? That is a decision that you have to make on your own. Because if I say this, how long you will give it up for a week. And then you can't resist and you have to download the next CDs or season of something else that I Oh, maybe this one the shift wasn't talking about, you said

00:44:01--> 00:44:45

How I Met Your Mother. So I'll stop watching that. Maybe I can watch something else, you know, like breaking bad. I heard it's good. You know, Breaking Bad is good, too. I heard this is good. And this is the problem. People. If I tell you with this, how long I tell you this is how long then you're going to have that problem. Give it up, give it up because it is pleasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala and it will save it will save your heart. It will make you a stronger person is a beautiful lecture or not a lecture clip that I want you to watch. It's by chef Kemal McKee from the States. It's about movies. Right? And he has another one another lecture and a clip as well about music. Okay, I'm not

00:44:45--> 00:44:53

here to tell you that music is haram as well. But when you think about it, most most music What is it called? What is it about?

00:44:54--> 00:44:59

It's about love. It's about I'll die for you. You know, I'll kiss I kissed the girl.

00:45:00--> 00:45:25

We're talking about homosexuality later, our difficulties are gay to tell teenage girls, and homosexuality is not permissible when they grew up or five years ago, whenever the song came out, you know, I kissed ago. Right? It's very difficult, because popular culture is telling her that it's okay. Most movies and CDs now has an homosexual element to it. Yes, I know. You agree with me.

00:45:26--> 00:45:52

Most of them is either a gay couple in D or lesbian couple, or there's something about homosexuality, or maybe the female, even if it even is a political show about politics, like the American government is going to be a discussion about same sex marriages and same sex and gay rights, etc, etc. Right. So how difficult does it become to tell someone what a loss of a house is? Let me give you an example so that you can understand my point here even more.

00:45:55--> 00:46:05

My son was four years old. Right? How I don't know because we don't have a TV at home. He had watched Iron Men, you know, Iron Men. You met him?

00:46:06--> 00:46:19

Is that Is it the suit as cool in real life as it is on TV? Right. But the point is, he once asked me at four years old, he asked me this question. He said, Abby, is Iron Man stronger than the Prophet.

00:46:24--> 00:46:40

No one asked him that question. That question isn't in the movie. But because of what he's watching this, these are the questions that he is himself thinking about. This is how it affected his psyche and his thinking. And you know, the example I'm in India, I lived in India for a year.

00:46:41--> 00:47:03

So I was in India, and I was teaching a class and I was teaching David, before you go to bed at night, you must read I will go to see why. Because it will protect you from shaitan until you wake up, right? Boy, cheers. Cheers. Yes, yes. Yes, Majeed? What's your? What's the question? What's the issue? Would it also protect us from vampires?

00:47:06--> 00:47:07

as like, what

00:47:08--> 00:47:12

will I have to go to see protect you from the vampires as well?

00:47:15--> 00:47:16

That's a heavy fatwa.

00:47:17--> 00:47:28

We'd have like a fatwa conference to answer that one. Right. But the point I want to make is we underestimate the power of television and the media on our minds.

00:47:29--> 00:47:41

We do, right? And you see, you sit with the children, you sit with the adults, we underestimate the power of media on how we think and how we view one last example that's relevant now.

00:47:42--> 00:47:44

When you go up on this,

00:47:46--> 00:47:47

and you get married,

00:47:49--> 00:48:00

your expectations of your spouse is, is based. It's formed by what? by that? So when you get married in your wife or your husband? Isn't that what happens?

00:48:05--> 00:48:09

like imagine you wake up one morning, and your wife is brushing your teeth.

00:48:10--> 00:48:51

They never show that do they? I never saw that in a movie. Oh, yes, that but that didn't end well in that movie. Right? She was brushing your teeth or he was brushing his teeth or you know, something like that something you don't really expect to read in a novel or see on a movie, right? something and you let me give you an example. The morning after I got married, a fly fell into my we were having breakfast and a fly fell into my cup. Right? So now the Heidi what is the ideal say, if a fly falls video club, you should immerse it completely. And because on one wing, it has the disease and on the other wing, it has the what's the antibody, the cure, whatever. So I did that. And I kept it

00:48:51--> 00:49:33

nicely. I took it out and I continued drinking my coffee. My wife, she she freaked out. Like she never adapted a novel anyway, right? I wasn't supposed to be doing something like that. So the point I want to make is that if we if we want to be happy in our marriages, if we want to be happy in our relationships, then the expectations that we have should be molded on the Quran and the Sunnah, not Molded on Hollywood or Bollywood or anything else. Okay. What I need from my spouse should be dictated to me from the Quran and the Sunnah, how she is supposed to be how he is supposed to be how I supposed to teach my wife, and how my wife is supposed to treat me should not be dictated by

00:49:34--> 00:50:00

anyone else. But Allah subhanho wa Taala if that's how you are going to be happy, because the Sharia caters for every one of your needs. I swear by Allah there isn't even if whether you say Well, where's that? Oh man, where's the romance in Islam? Yes, Allah. That's a different. That's a topic we could spend the whole day talking about example of the example not only from the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, but from the lives of other prophets and from so many people, people that we

00:50:00--> 00:50:02

No, like, let me see, let me see a show of hands,

00:50:03--> 00:50:08

whose parents or grandparents have been married for like 30 or 40 years or longer?

00:50:12--> 00:50:40

Okay, so what's the secret? Why is it that as a marriage counselor in southern Cape Town in South Africa, I was dealing with at least one case of divorce every week, and that's only me and there are hundreds of other people like me, in the city, but Muslims and non Muslims Why is it so much divorce? Why are so many medical breakups? Why so many people having relationships outside of marriage, you know, while they are married extramarital affairs, why?

00:50:42--> 00:50:44

One of the main one of my personal

00:50:45--> 00:50:52

experiences or the way that I've analyzed this, in my experience, is most of the time they don't find in their spouse what they found the other person

00:50:54--> 00:51:14

because it wasn't defined for them in a way that the Sharia defined it rather, they grew up with an understanding of how it's supposed to be now that they are married. It's not the my husband isn't like this. My wife isn't like that. Right? And we'll share some of those things later. We'll take a break now inshallah tada desikan, below, head over, sit on logic and walk with aloha orchids.

00:51:16--> 00:51:44

If you are really concerned that whatever fever or pain they are feeling that if you can feel it yourself, that's empathy. That's a fiction in love. Not when your spouse or your girlfriend or your boyfriend feel some pain, and they try and do one thing. You don't get a pizza. Why are you crying? call me that. So then, you know, this is what I've seen in couples is what I've seen in married couples at what this is why why what happens when we don't work on our wedding because we don't we don't think that is if it could be made.