Never Lose Hope – The 10 Commitments

Suleiman Hani


Channel: Suleiman Hani

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The importance of mercy and healthy relationships is emphasized in difficult situations where family members are likely to profit. The speakers also emphasize the need for self- compassion and avoiding negative emotions in relationships, particularly in difficult situations where family members are often the ones who are most likely to profit. There is no audio recording during the session, and participants are in a listen-only mode. The transcript is not a conference call, and participants are instructed to leave their name and telephone number after the beep.

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Today we're joining the Charlotte database Mr. Sato so thought and we'll be talking and myself. It's yesterday man. We'll be here every day at Hamdulillah. And we're very happy to have sister sada with us of course, Sister saga took the amount of world by storm with the course inside out and outside in and hamdulillah on Islam and psychology and

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spirituality. And so we're happy to have her back at sha Allah as well as yesterday man, of course, the Director of Academic Affairs for automotive Welcome, everybody. Welcome to societal.

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Zack when I say it, I'm very happy to be here.

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I'm the welcomes yesterday, man. I was not a coffee crew chef still hearing to this day from a number of community members. The impact that the course had on Inside Out most Patrick's up outside in inside out.

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Contessa. So the theme for this series inshallah over the next couple of days is just the 10 commandments. And the idea is, there is the end of the Islamic calendar at the end of the end of the year. And so what are 10 commitments that people can hold on to for the next year in sha Allah data that will be transformative? That's the idea. And before we begin, I just want to remind everybody number one, sorry, I want to just thank everybody who's here with us live on Zoom.

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I see some people have stuff from Toronto I see movement I have seen Avene I want y'all to do two things. Number one, tell us what things you want to commit to even beforehand inshallah before you hear what our commitments are going to be, just share what things you want to commit to if there's one thing that you want to commit to I see when mobile came from London and heavy

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and number two, the second thing is inshallah share this live right now with with other people send it into your your whatsapp groups, your iMessage all of that. hedger isn't like Ramadan, people kind of, it's more likely to kind of just

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slip through people's fingertips people forget about their future. So just reminding everybody in Charlotte that is a good deed for you as well.

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So, to begin, and shall love our first commandment that we wanted to commit to is his love

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mercy and shifts the demand when this topic of Mercy comes up? What does it inspire you? This, this, this, this attribute?

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The first thing I actually think about when I hear this is, I think about the Mercy of Allah subhanaw taala how much we are in need of it, and connecting our commitment to mercy to the mercy that we hope from Allah subhanaw taala to to be encompassed with it. And so in a way I would summarize it with Think of your relationships with people with the creation as an extension of your desired relationship with the Creator in terms of being merciful it humble mentally, your hammock elementary summer, spending on people, concealing the faults of people, alleviating the hardships of people, all of this kind of falls under mercy or Wailea falls federal pardon and forgive, you're

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hoping for forgiveness of Allah subhana wa Tada cutting people off a lot of cut you off thinking that creation is like thinking a lot. So so many connections between the mercy that we should live with as human beings and commit to our societies as families, and what we hope from a loss of habitat as well.

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Sarah, what do you what do you think when, when this topic of mercy, and I want to pick your brain on mercy a little bit, but just generally, when you think of the importance of mercy in as an individual, what does that do for people?

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You know, I think when I think about mercy, there's like an image that comes into into my mind. So I'm, I'm a mom and have the lap. And you know, one of the most beautiful hadith is the one that describes the Mercy of Allah Subhana Allah and the love of Allah subhana data is even greater than the love of a mother to her child, right? And so when I picked her mercy, I picked her this encompassing, like, warmth, that gives you a feeling of safety allows you to be vulnerable. And that's what we want with our relationship with illustrata is to open up to him, it's what we need to make diet for to him. It's what we need to truly grow in our journey toward a less passata. And so

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you know, mercy, a lot like when we think about the people that we feel closest to the people that we feel most open with the people that we can truly rely on in our lives. Those are the people who are most Merciful.

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toward us, typically the people who have the most compassion toward us. And Allah's pancetta has so much more He's beyond the comparison of human beings. So I think about that very often. And then the other. The other thing that comes up when I think about mercy is the concept of husband, the giving benefit of the doubt, both toward people and toward Allah subhanaw taala. And those are really very much intertwined. And so that's something I'm hoping we'll have a chance to talk about a little bit today in sha Allah.

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Jimmy, you, you talked about the mercy of the mother. Now, interestingly enough, this is a spoiler alert, nobody knows this, I don't think yet. But you actually teach, not just inside out, but we have an upcoming course with you on the filter of love with Jeff Woody bisutti. And this is

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the topic of marriage, preparing to get married as well as throughout marriage. And Allah subhanho data is squibs the relationship as Mohammed and Brahma between a husband and wife, Mohammed is love, and mercy. So how important is mercy? And what does mercy look like when it comes to a marital relationship. So, so important, just second Lafave for bringing that up. Because, you know, I remember taking fifth of love with shifty acid, we're just actually way back in the day back in New York. And I remember him talking about this concept of Melinda and Rama. And one of the things that he said, which I thought was so profound, was the idea that love kind of might get you going right

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in the relationship, it might be a starting point for your marriage, or might develop in your marriage and trauma. But mercy is what keeps it flourishing. Because there are going to be moments where some of that love doesn't feel quite as strong. You have, you know, I view marriage as having seasons, right. And sometimes you have the springtime of flourishing, of things just growing and feeling like this, this love and happiness with one another. And then sometimes things are hard. And that's like the winter of your relationship. And Mercy in those moments is what keeps it going. Mercy is what allows you to continue treating your spouse, with respect, with kindness, with

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gentleness, even when you might not be feeling that connection quite as strongly. And so mercy is really, really essential in keeping a healthy relationship and that's in marriage. And that's in parenting. And that's in every every relationship that we have.

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So, you know, you said two things that were poetic, you said, number one, mercy, you see war, mercy as warmth. And then the second thing is you said, the winter of your relationship. So immediately, my mind caught both. And I would, I would turn it into saying that mercy is what keeps you warm in the winter. So when your relationship gets cold that it's that mercy is that blanket, right? It's what keeps me warm. So I need finger snaps for that, guys. I need the finger snaps because that was, you know, I mean, hamdulillah Okay, so just want to say to guys, for me, I'll say this about about mercy. If there's one thing

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if there's one word to brand Islam with, I believe, for me, it would be mercy. Like, I ask people all the time, and I say What word do you think of when it comes to Christianity if there's one word and they'll say love because God is love and that's what Christianity is branded with. You think of Buddhism you think of peace you think of, of meditation, you think of these types of concepts. And then when it comes to Islam, you know, everybody's quiet. Nobody wants to answer the question, because unfortunately, what Islam is bandwidth is the furthest thing from Islam. But if we had billions of marketing dollars at our disposal, I would say Islam is mercy. Because Allah subhana

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data calls himself a rock man. It is incredibly powerful that Allah kind of data in the beginning of 113 chapters of the Quran it's Smilla Rahmanir Rahim both attributes denote mercy both of them did not merge mercy. And then sort of the fact that it comes back again, that comes a lot of it I mean, man or hate, the prophet satellite is seldom was restricted to the concept of mercy, his entire messenger ship well now, so not a lot, I'm attending anatomy we only sent you as a mercy to the worlds. And so the existence of Islam is only a mercy to the worlds in, which means that the existence of the Muslims should be a mercy to the world's by extension, and every Muslims presence

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by following this message should be a mercy to the worlds

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something so beautiful, is that we have these running traditions in Islam. Even in the science of Hadith, there's a hadith there, there are a hadith that are called them sunset and Moo salsa means that it has a running tradition. It's just like a court within the science of Hadith that people do. And so if the Prophet sallallaahu Salam held my the devil and he said

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To him, I love you. So don't forget to say after every salah, Allahumma and Jada, the critical issue figure has nearby the tick, right? This this hadith was paired with an action, it was paired with a declaration of love. And so when I did my job, and when he narrated it to his students, he also declared love to his students. And then his students declared love to his students. And so it became called and said, Ben muhabba, it has the running tradition of the declaration of love. It's just a beautiful tradition within the science of Heidi. There's one Hadith that's called the necessity of Alia, it was the first thing that was hurt from one generation to the next. And so until today,

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there is a tradition, that if you are learning from a chef, the for the first time, they begin with this hadith, because one generation after the other of the Muslims, they all said it was the first thing that I heard from my chef, and it's so beautiful what this hadith is, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said in that it's a hadith reported by Timothy and up without wood and others are blocked him on your homearama the merciful will experience mercy from the merciful from Rama hammelmann Philip have mercy on those on earth, the one who is in the heavens will have mercy on you. So one generation of Muslims to the next have been learning this as the first thing that they learned from

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their teachers, the idea of mercy, mercy

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is just so crucial to our to our faith, and it's embedded in every aspect, in the way that we treat each other which inshallah data will lead us to the next section in sha Allah. And that is the idea of family. Just today, man, Chef, no matter coffee, beautiful reflections does that my sister sought as well, I want to ask a question that perhaps may be on the minds of those who are here with us and hamdulillah were talking about committing to something for the next you know, upcoming year and onwards in sha Allah committing for ourselves first and foremost, to act upon. And then for Inshallah, tada for the sake of the world around us, that will benefit from this commitment, someone

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who is struggling to show mercy or to commit to Mercy. And they've struggled with it for years, let's say, what's one practical advice we can all perhaps share? How do we get ourselves to be a little more committed to being merciful in the upcoming year, is that we can start with Sister assault on Sharla? And maybe she'll come on?

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I think that's such a wonderful question, Michelle in love, because the concept of Mercy can feel very theoretical. And so the idea of how to enhance that within ourselves, like we know all of the benefits that come from Mercy, but how do we enhance our capacity to be merciful? Right, and actually, from a psychological perspective, one of the ways that

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research has found that people can start being more merciful toward others, is by first being a little bit more merciful to themselves. And so that idea of self compassion is something that's very much emphasized now, in the field of psychology, for that very reason. Because it, it helps you mentally, it helps you emotionally, but it also helps you relationally. Because the, if you think about the conflicts that you have with people, right? Anybody, everybody in the audience, when you're thinking about the most recent difficulty that you had with someone, you said something very pointed, you said something that you regret, how are you feeling about yourself, the moment before

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you did that. And typically, what we were feeling in that moment is we were feeling very, very self critical. When you wake up and you look in the, you know, in the mirror in the morning, and you start criticizing your appearance, you start belittling yourself for so many different reasons for any mistake that you've made. And you emphasize that and you multiply that how are you going to have any capacity to then be kind to the people around you when you've been so unkind to yourself. So self compassion is something that is very, very important and being merciful to others, and it doesn't. And this is why I think a lot of times we as Muslims sometimes struggle with this, we

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struggle with it because we think it's giving ourselves a free pass. We think that if I'm compassionate toward myself, then that means that I'm not holding myself to account but you can hold yourself to account while still having self compassion. You can hold yourself to account and and admit I made a mistake, and repent to Allah subhanaw taala because self compassion actually propels you toward Allah, not away from him and self criticism oftentimes propels you away from Alaska data. So the end goal is to get closer to Allah to please Him. And so self compassion can actually help you do that. You know, there's a beautiful Hadith where little suicide Salem

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When he was going around the cabin, he was praising how amazing the cabin is the sanctity of the cabin, all of these things. And then he says that, that the sanctity of the believer is actually even greater than the sanctity of the garbage. And one of the ways that that manifests is to assume nothing but good of your fellow believer, but then also, when you think about the, the beauty in this is, are you also assuming good of yourself? Are you also assuming that you have a path back toward illustrata? When you make a mistake? Because it wouldn't we don't assume that that ends up preventing us from having mercy toward other people as well.

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Because that will feed on check on what you're needed.

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So exactly, I said that was

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very profound and beautiful. And I would say everything that society just mentioned with regards to be yourself that you just extend that up to others as well. And so when you're looking at someone else,

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that you remember the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu it is and how he makes mercy conditional, the mercy that you want to experience from Allah subhanaw taala that it is conditional on you showing mercy to other people. He says a man Liar, liar, whoever does not show mercy will not experience mercy. And this happens is in the Quran, Allah subhana data says, Well, yeah, for Well yes. Electrical Boon if and Allah Who do you want to overlook people's faults? Don't you want Allah subhana wa Tada to overlook your faults and to forgive you, right? So this, this conditionality of treat others the way that you want to be treated, not just want to be treated by people, but the way

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that you want to be treated by last panel data. And so I think one of the things is to be cognizant of ALLAH SubhanA data is mercy being extended to people who are merciful. So now it's invested in me as part of my religiosity, it's part of my, my journey to ALLAH SubhanA data that I'd be merciful to people. But how, how do I do that? Well, the Prophet sallallaahu, Selim gave the example of proximity. He says wipe over the head of an orphan, a person complained to him about being very harsh hearted and said, Go and wipe over the, the head of the orphan. So the closer you are to people who have problems, the more likely you will be that you will be able to empathize, that you

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will be able to feel pain, that you will be able to be merciful. And so for us, even placing yourself in that person's shoes, trying to think,

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what would it be like? And what could it be like, if I was in that person's circumstance, what would put them in that position, people aren't evil by nature, or you don't assume the worst of people. So what would make this person be in a situation like that, and the more that you're able to do that, and Charlotte's out of the more merciful, you'll be able to be towards people, I remember with regards to an experience that I had with regards to a brother who did some like crazy things. And I remember I had to call them and his stuff that he was doing was infuriating this person, and I had the option of calling him and I had the right to call them and scream at him and yell at him and all

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of that type of stuff. And I had the rapport with him that that I could have done that. But instead, in that moment, I remember, particularly having a conversation with myself about being merciful. And so instead of calling him in rage, which is what he was expecting, I called him and I was asking about him, like, I asked about him not expecting, as if I wasn't expecting this type of behavior for him. And there must have been something that was wrong, because there's no way that you could have been doing what I'm hearing that you're doing. And he ended up being so appreciative that I didn't come at him left, but that I came to him as someone who is extending every help, and I came to him

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in a merciful way. And to him that we were able to actually completely rectify his situation because of that approach. And so I'm thankful to Allah subhana data that mercy was able to benefit him.

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That's a beautiful chef does that for him and for sharing.

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On a similar note to what we just stated, I actually once was looking into a number of a hadith in which we are thinking about basically the condition that you just mentioned, conceal the faults of others or will love with your own lab and iconography on your fee. The last part will be in your aid, so long as you're in the aid of your brother, your sister, pardon and forgive when you have when they also and there's something interesting about the the point here of thinking about yourself and receiving something from it, you're getting something out of it, in that Allah subhanaw taala knows our nature psychologically, that for some people, this will motivate them for some people were

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listening today. This is what will perhaps help you to move forward. Look at all these things that have different elements of Mercy within them and you're hoping for them you're hoping for forgiveness, you know you're in need of it, so you're giving it to others.

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But then there's another type, which is maybe you can say more selfless, where you really believe this person deserves to be treated with with a mercy and you're not getting anything out of it. And the example that I can think of is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi salam, with the analogy of people being like moths flying towards a fire, and he's swatting people away from the fire. And the moths are the people are insisting on doing what they're doing, insisting on no false evidence, insisting on sinfulness, the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam gets nothing out of it. But he's so concerned about the well being of the owner, so concerned about your own well being. And of course, this is

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the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam. But one of the things that we take from this is try to be merciful to others as well and think more consciously, about what you're seeing and what you're doing, even if you're getting nothing out of it. But of course, you may benefit from it in many ways. Try to think of it in a in a selfless way, but this person is deserving of mercy and the prophets of life and would love for you to do that. So how about Allah subhanaw taala. That's the loss of power that encompass us when his mercy that kind of brings us to a practical shift to the second commitment, which we are in need of, and the commitment to family. There's mercy and it's the

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commitment to family, first and foremost, for all of us here, direct family, and then the impact of that on the rest of the world. We can start maybe by asking sister sorta, what are some ways practical ways or motivations for people to emphasize the commitment of family in the coming year, because we see how today in society as we study in number of fields, and we see this in sociology, the unit of the family is deteriorating. And it's impacting society in so many different ways. And you can speak better to this in terms of the mental health impact in terms of the moral effect in terms of other negative effects as well. Why is this something that we should emphasize committing

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to in the coming year, Inshallah, tada?

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Does that come a height on for the the beautiful points that you both mentioned? Mashallah, and for bringing up the topic of family as well, because you're right, that currently there is a move

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that, that has allowed people that if if somebody does one thing to it's deemed a toxic relationship, and you should like this Kancil culture, mentality of you don't need these people in your life, if they're not 100% onboard, if they're not 100%, supportive, if you know, there's so many things that are interpreted as toxic, that are actually just part and parcel of normal, healthy relationships, and what ends up happening now. And what I'm seeing as kind of the effect of this mentality, is that people are very alone, and people are very isolated, and lonely, and now not having people around them, because they've decided that my family is just, you know, like, I can't

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deal with this, this is too much, you know, and so they ended up really alone. And that void is not to be underestimated. There's a reason why Islamically the family unit is so protected and emphasized.

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And whenever a lesson has to protect something emphasizes something, whenever like that'll send them says that, you know, the best of you is the best to your family, and I am the best to my family, there is wisdom in that. And there is good in that for us. This is not something Alicia pans out, it doesn't need anything from us. But whatever he He decrees for us, whatever he commands for us, there is good in it for us. And if we can truly believe that, then it changes the way that we interact with people in our lives. So one of the one of the things and so from a psychological perspective, this is something that I'm really, that I'm really noticing is this void that has now been created,

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and there and people can't fill it, people can't fill it, and it's very, very painful. So I would say, you know, obviously, I'm not talking about abusive relationships, I'm talking about, you know, regular relationships where there's some sort of conflict, don't give up an entire relationship, because of some conflict, try to work through it, because the void that gets left behind when you relinquish that relationship is not something that's easily filled. And so, one of the practical ways that I think is very important, and it goes beautifully with with what both Shama and Schiff said, Amen, shared about mercy is how is to try and

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implement the concept of giving benefit of the doubt to the people in your life, the people that you are closest to especially, because a lot of times we give benefit of the doubt we have this concept of positive been toward people that were you know, our friends, you know, and things like that, but not toward our family and giving the benefit of the doubt to the people that were closest to is so enriching in our lives. I think one of the the

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things that has been transformative for me is when I came to the realization actually, I still remember a particular moment and it wasn't with family it was with a complete stranger, that when, when I had first gotten married, my husband is from Texas. And we came to Texas for a visit to see my in laws. And we were in a Walmart parking lot. And we see this guy walking toward us in full cowboy gear, full cowboy with the hat, the boots, everything and not being from Texas, I have certain misconceptions about Texans, and what they would think about seeing a hijabi and, and so as he's walking toward us, I kind of you know, got a little bit anxious. And in full Texan drawl

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accent, he just says sent him like a full on SNM on a blow to get direct. And, and I was so surprised and it caught me. It caught me in that moment. Subhan Allah because, as I'm sure a lot of our sisters here, who might dress in the way your husband, your husband said that's the man.

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No, he didn't, I had no idea that he was gonna he was he was was Louis there's a paddle. But, and I still haven't witnessed a real Texan mm in being here, with the boots and all but but, um, but so Pamela, it just, that moment really just made me realize that, that you know, as much as that feeling comes up when you are mischaracterized right, and people don't see the good in you and actually, you know, misinterpret you that I had done the same to someone. And it was a moment that really, that really kind of that kind of stood out to me, and was something that I really wanted to make sure that I brought into my personal relationships as well to give people the benefit of the

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doubt. And so from that moment, it was this idea of people are doing the best that they can, they're not choosing to hurt you purposefully. They're not choosing to not show up. They're, they're not choosing to disempower you or to or to not prioritize the relationship or anything like that. That's not what they're choosing to do. But a lot of times we try to protect ourselves by interpreting people's actions in the worst way possible, so that we don't get hurt. But in the end, we are hurting ourselves, because we're taking up so much space in our hearts and our minds with all of these grudges and all this negativity. And so really making an effort to train our minds to look for

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the good to look for an excuse as to why a person might be, you know, acting this way, like, like Shikamaru mentioned in the phone call to his friend, we'll look at what happened when he exercise this idea of husband done, it completely opened up his his friend to, you know, to talk about things in a productive way. And it really solidified their relationship, rather than than tearing it apart. And and one of my favorite ahaadeeth, a little fools. I said, lamb is where he talks about how he tells his companion, should I tell you something that's better than extra praying, fasting and charity? And they said, Yes, you know, we would love to know that, of course. And he said, It's

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reconciliation between people. To put things right between people. And husband, Yvonne, having benefit of the doubt of others, is one of the best ways to put things right between people. So I think that that's a very big factor. If we can implement that in our families, it can really transform our relationships.

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So a lot of work a lot. You know,

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you mentioned this idea of one negative impression, or what have you experienced and get, denote it to toxic

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family relationships, they get categorized as toxic, and then

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you are told to leave them. And I think that one of the things that magnifies This is social media, especially because everybody just you will find whatever echo chamber you want online. And I've seen this I'm sure everybody's seen this, where somebody tells a story, and it's one sided on social media. And then they have all of this applause from a stranger saying yes, you don't need them, blah, blah, blah, do you and so you get, and I can imagine it's even worse for somebody who's 14 or 15, or 16, or 17. So they don't actually have that experience yet. And they're hearing from all of these people that they should cut this person out of their life, even if it's their mom, even if

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it's their dad. And so that that that online applause from people who aren't really invested in your life is really dangerous. And I give an easy example of this.

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The you know, one of my favorite stories is chef at at a binding one time he was asked by a student. If you love someone for the sake of Allah, should you tell them? And he said yes, but not

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For the sake of Allah has a price. And he said most people aren't willing to pray, pray, pray not pray, pay the price of love. Most people aren't willing to pay the price of love. He said, Do you know what the price is? And everybody's giving different answers. And finally, one person says, the price of love because people said, you know, like, that you'd love for your brother what you love for yourself. He's like, No, that's the effect that's not the price. So what's the price someone says finally, when asked in that in Santa Fe, First Lady, and I'm gonna I'm gonna start out with also we have to also the sub that you enjoyed each other and truth and you enjoy each other to

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patients. And the chef said, Yes, that is the price of love. Because when you love somebody, you will be more committed to telling them the truth than their own shadow, you will always be telling them the truth because you love them. So when your friend comes to you, and says that they want to major in a major that you know, is there's zero career opportunity with that major. What do you tell them?

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Mashallah, yeah, you should follow your heart. Yeah, that's a great decision. Mashallah, right. But if your own blood brother or sister came to you and said, I want to major in this major that's going to have me in debt at a liberal arts school, and I'm not going to be able to make any money out of it, you're going to tell them over my dead body, there's zero chance that you're gonna make it. Why because I am way more invested in you to let you go down a path like this. And so when I ask people who are the people who nag us the most unanimous consensus, it's your parents, why are your parents the ones who not give the most, because they're the ones who are most willing to pay the price of

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love. And the price of love is the fact that you're going to be annoyed with them, the price of love is that you are going to be upset that they're not accepting things from you, even though you're being authentically yourself. They're not accepting your authentic self, and they're telling you, you need to be better. And you need to change this behavior. Because we are all required to grow and there are things about ourselves that we should work on. And there will be the ones who insist that you work on these things, even if it's uncomfortable for you. And so they're the ones who are most willing to pay the price of love. The reason is because they're the ones whose love is most sincere.

00:32:13--> 00:32:57

The Arabs, they say Saudi loca men suck, they summon Sadak. They say that your friend is the one Saudi comes from truthfulness is the one who is truthful to you, not the one who believes you. Ie they're not the ones who believe your nonsense. They're not the ones who applaud you when you are. Anyway. So the the price of love. So with regards to commitment to family, I also think it's tied into mercy because family is the one who's deserving of Our Mercy The most the people who are closest to us, like societal Sultan mentioned, they're the ones who are, they're the ones who we should be extend that compassion to and that we should appreciate that they're doing their best.

00:32:57--> 00:33:37

Just today, man, beautiful does that finish And subhanAllah it is true that friendship does not mean you just encourage whatever it is that the person wants, but rather give them real advice as though you're advising yourself. I was thinking about how a story that we all know, the incident of the very first revelation the Prophet salallahu someone's very afraid, ran back to Hadiya Radi Allahu Allah and the Hadith in Bukhari and Muslim and he was afraid and he says, But Kashi to Allah and FCM worried about myself. In other words, this is a bad thing. I'm not sure what just happened with the gvrd Salaam. And she says no, there's good news color assured to Allah He may have was equal or

00:33:37--> 00:34:16

whoever she swore by a loss of power by the Creator, that there's no way Allah is going to disgrace you. After living with a Prophet salallahu Alaihe salam for a long time before he received revelation. She knows him in and out she really knows his character, while the Lohana she then describes the evidence for why she really believes that the crater is not going to cause you to be ruined that this is not a bad thing that you just experienced, this is actually a good thing. And she starts within Nikola Tesla when she starts with the Euro person who upholds the ties of family upholding the ties of family is closer to the football meaning it's it's upon the the natural

00:34:16--> 00:34:50

disposition that a lawsuit has created us with that no matter how difficult it gets, you try to keep family together. Of course we have to say this and we've said this before. We're not talking about exceptional cases. We're not talking about extreme abuse. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the general everyday types of relationships. Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said late salah, Walsall will McAfee the one who keeps good relations with family is not the one who is compensating just because they're good to me than I will be good to you. He said rather the one who keeps good relations with family or lacking in Watson, the one who really is committed to this is

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the one who does so despite being cut off by them. This is why a man came to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he said yeah rasool Allah and I know a lot of people will relate to this

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A lot of people when we share this, how do you say I have two or three stories just like this. The man said, I have relatives with whom I try to keep a relationship, but they cut me off, I treat them well. You might text on a you might call, you might send them a gift, you might send food. I treat them all, but they treat me badly. I'm forbearing with them, but they're very harsh with me. The Prophet salallahu alayhi salam said, if it is, as you say, if this is a true claim, then it's as if you are the literal translation as if you're throwing the hot ashes at the meaning they are causing their own consequences and punishment. Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam said, Allah subhanaw taala

00:35:37--> 00:36:09

will be with you as a supporter, as long as you remain like this. The the difficult part of upholding the ties of family is when things are not easy. It's not when you're compensating, it's not in the everyday type of scenario. I was in Edmonton, Canada, and I shared this hadith and we were talking about family and how important it is. And there was a brother, we stopped from going to prayer. And then we continued right after and there was a brother who came up afterwards, he stayed till I shot. He said, I came just for so long, and I was gonna go back home, because I but when I heard that hadith, he said, I started to cry. This is somebody older, established, he's like, I have

00:36:09--> 00:36:45

my own family. Now. He said, I cut off my parents more than a decade ago, because I didn't like the way they were talking to me. So did they physically abuse you what happens? Like I just didn't like the way they're talking to me. I'm a man I wanted my own life is like so I ended up cutting them off. And they tried to reach out over the years, and I kept closing the doors of communication. So I didn't realize how serious it was until I heard these stories, these narrations that I actually did something really severe in the sight of Allah subhanaw taala by cutting off the family ties, so a lot of them will be standing, according to one Hadith will be standing next to the Ciroc as people

00:36:45--> 00:37:20

cross over the hellfire, praying for the one who used to uphold the ties of family. Imagine crossing over and knowing that you know what, at least of all things I held on to the family unit even when things were difficult. Again, yes, there are exceptions. But Senator Ron here applies to a lot of the situations in which we experienced struggles. So I think one of the practical action items in front of us Alia Rahim, Allah, He says, People hold grudges against their family when they wronged them. But when you commit sins, you let your neffs off the hook easily. I'm paraphrasing what he said. So you need to be a little kinder to the people around you and not let yourself off the hook

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in the sense of being desensitized to the sin holding yourself to a high standard and holding your family to a different standard as well to be a little more forbearing. May Allah subhanaw taala bring our hearts together for more than that. I mean,

00:37:33--> 00:37:37

you know, people they respond with,

00:37:38--> 00:38:15

you know, people can't help but feel like But my family is a little bit crazy. You know, I mean, like my family is a little bit difficult. But it's something to be aware of that Allah Subhana Allah dad is the one who chose your family for you. Allah is the one who chose your family. He's the one who chose for you that uncle, he's the one who chose for you, those cousins, he's the one who chose for you, those parents and those siblings and all of that. And as he chose all of those people around you that you didn't choose, and you didn't have any, any, any any Sharon, Allah obligated for you to connect the ties of kinship to them. So not just maintenance, we translate Scylla to Rahim as

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maintaining the ties of kinship. But actually today man just mentioned, the province of allied Sydenham, he said that it's not reciprocity. It's not that, oh, this person is great with me. So I'm just going to be that person calls me so I called them. No, no, he said that connecting the ties of kinship is when you call that person or you connect with the one who's trying to break away from you. And it's tied to Mercy in a beautiful way, because Allah subhanaw taala, he said, the womb in Arabic is a rhyme. And Allah subhana data says, I extracted it from my name or Rama and so whoever it connects, connects it, I connect them, and whoever cuts it, I cut them. And so it is tied to this

00:38:53--> 00:39:10

issue of mercy from Allah subhana wa Tada and they're the ones who are most deserving of our mercy. And my question for you sada is, what's the take home that people can do as far as bettering their family relations with with their, with the people who they're obligated to be good to?

00:39:12--> 00:39:17

So, in response to that, I want to summarize the points that you both made, because

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what you were sharing, I think, is an equation for healthy family relationships from both of you, Michelle and mom. The first thing is that intention is everything starts with intentions, right? Our little society tells us our actions are judged by their intentions, shifts that i Men mentioned, that intention for the sake of illustrata it's not intention for you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. It's an intention for the sake of all this pans out. And this is something that when I'm working with families, when I'm working with couples, I always mentioned is do it for the sake of Allah. If you're doing it for your husband, if you're doing it for your parents. The moment they do

00:39:56--> 00:39:59

something that bothers you, you're going to drop it because you're hurt.

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When you do it for the sake of Allah, then it doesn't always matter what they do. Yes, that hurts. And yes, there's pain. But when you do it for the sake of Allah, it pans out of that pain gets translated into reward. And so you don't stop doing it because this, the reason you're doing it is always there. It's always stable. It's always constant, unlike the people that we would do it for otherwise. So don't do it for people do it for Allah and you will have that stability in whatever actions you're choosing and whatever intentions you're choosing. And then the other thing that was mentioned, that, that shifts that Imam you mentioned the story of when the Prophet Homosassa lamb

00:40:38--> 00:41:22

came to Khadija radula, and her. And what I was hearing in that story is the perfect way to establish any healthy relationship with anybody but especially with family is the validation that she gave him, seeing the good in him and verbalizing that to him, you do that to your children, you do that to your spouse, you do that to your parents, and they shine and your relationship shines. And it grows and the love and mercy between you grows. So that validation is such an important piece, especially before giving feedback. Right? Sure, Hamada, you mentioned that love through action, that true love the price of it is that even if you're giving this advice to your child, and

00:41:22--> 00:42:00

then your child goes to their room and slams the door, you're still going to do it. Because the reason why you're doing it is not whether your child is happy with you or not, it's because you love them. And because you care for them. And because you want what's best for them. Right? And so that that piece comes into the mix, too. And then also, that idea of holding yourself to account is when you hold yourself responsible for your role in your family, nothing happens in a vacuum. You know, like they say, when a plant dies, you're not going to blame the plant, you're going to check the soil, you're going to check whether it got enough sunshine, whether it got enough water. So why when

00:42:00--> 00:42:38

people act out? Do we assume this is all about them? Sometimes, yes, you know, people have their own lives, and they have their own issues and their own struggles that a lot of it might be because of them. But hold yourself to account to and think to yourself, how can I change the soil? How can I add more water to this relationship? What nutrients are missing from this relationship that I can embed into it to make a change because you know, it's a very, very important and powerful factor and very empowering for ourselves that on your own, you can even create a positive change in your relationship when you choose and one of the best ways to do that is to choose to look for what's

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good and what's working. Instead of focusing on what's not to look walk into your house today, walk into your relation with your the next time you call your parents and try to try to find one thing, one thing that's working one thing that's good and emphasize that and it really does create a change mashallah because that motivate another coffee or not so beautiful response the power of practical action items for everyone here, I'll add just one quick thing that kind of transitions us from this topic of committing to family and the last part inshallah Tada of committing to perseverance and endurance, which is remember that one of the Subhan, one of the mercies of ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada and

00:43:21--> 00:44:02

telling us about the traps or shippon. And the tactics and the objectives is what we hear whether in the Quran or the authentic reports amongst them in the hadith is that the devil would love and loves for families to be broken apart, generally speaking, does this mean it head on to the family leave or divorce? No, that's not what we're referring to. So let's not talk about exceptions. We're talking here about the case in which an everyday conversation becomes a much bigger problem, a conflict that takes place over many months or many years, and ends up causing people to easily cancel out relationship. We're talking about the love of the devil to divide. And that division

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between the husband and the wife, between siblings between parents and their children. Think about it before you respond to a situation that your response can escalate this conflict and today can be ruined because of it. Or you can de escalate with something lighter, you can de escalate with some mercy, you can de escalate by not allowing that person's devil if that person said the wrong thing, not allowing that person's devil to succeed by responding with the same thing of anger because your standard is not that person standard at that moment that finally remember who said that thing or did that thing or texted that thing which is not usually recommended when relationships are shaky talk

00:44:38--> 00:45:00

in person. That's not your standard. The Prophet salallahu Salam is your teacher and was his revelation is your guide. So this brings us to the final commitment here which is perseverance, committing to sober which really is not something just for one or two sessions. It's for every session, every lecture, every program every day of our lives that we have to keep rededicating ourselves

00:45:00--> 00:45:16

As to it, what do you do when you feel like you don't have endurance when you don't have perseverance, the habits in your everyday life? Not just now under hedger, not just in normal next year, but throughout your life. What do you do when you feel like you need to be a person of solder Shikamaru if you want to start a software down

00:45:19--> 00:45:21

this word Saba

00:45:22--> 00:45:37

is everything. It's everything is translated as patience. It's way too big of a word for just patience. SUBUD is perseverance. Saba is determination. Stubborn is grit, Saba is

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perseverance. suberb is persistence, Saba does all of these things, and it's active. It's not just, you know, when we think of patients, we think of something that's passive, something's happening to you, and you're just kind of being patient. But you actually have to have somebody through things, you persevere through things. And there's nothing more valuable the promise of the lightness and instead of personal was not given anything that's more comprehensive than Saba, there's nothing that's more fun, so offensive themselves, but it is the greatest tool for success after the tofield of ALLAH SubhanA data towards any goal you take. You take anybody who's successful in anything, and

00:46:14--> 00:46:54

they might not have intelligence that might not be a shared characteristic, they might not have, you know, physical talents, that might not be a shared characteristic. But what they must have had to get to anything worth getting to is perseverance that they showed up and showed up and showed up and try it and try it and try it and try it again. And so they're able to reach that success until they're able to accomplish that goal. And that's why I should have just admitted to TV and he says that no profit, or anyone less than them acquired anything except through patients, except little sub not patients, but sub k, this this cumulative work. And so I actually think that this is

00:46:54--> 00:46:55


00:46:56--> 00:46:57

incredible to commit to

00:46:59--> 00:47:00

that a person

00:47:02--> 00:47:05

you know, there's actually a poster that I used to have hanging in my wall before I

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it was knocked down by the end, someone had, I posted it on Instagram, and then all of it fell off my wall one year. I mean, that was just It was unbelievable how it happened. It was just hanging on my wall, there was a poster that I wanted to ask for so long. But it's a hadith of the province of aliveness. And, and it's just a beautiful Hadith. And I will tell anybody, you want to copy this hadith, you want to put it on your wall, don't post it on Instagram, because some people hit with two eyes and it'll, it'll jump off of your wall. But this hadith is really like the keys to success and the progress of the lightest and it says the Hadith reported by Muslim the hadith of overboard a

00:47:42--> 00:48:12

lot also will last a little is and then he says down the side that man folk focus on what benefits you. And that's the first step. So if you're talking about Bucha next year, you got to figure out what your goals are. That's the first step you figure out what your goals are, what do you want? What do you is it your family that you want to work on? Is it your spirituality that you want to work on? Is it your business that you want to work on? Is it your school that you want to work on? What is it that you want, focus on what benefits you and that's something beautiful too, that if you're able to be passionate about things that benefit you, because a lot of us are really, really

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passionate about things that don't benefit us, sports and all sorts of things, you know? So then he says, number two was staying Biller, seek the help of Allah.

00:48:23--> 00:49:00

And that's what no self help book will teach you. They'll teach you about goal setting, and they'll teach you about the third step. But that second step, where you ask Allah Subhana Allah and we're going to have a session about their own inshallah in the next couple of days as well. But asking Allah is incredibly important. And then number three, he says, Well attaches. So then don't give up. Once you figured out what it is that you want. Ask Allah subhanho data for it. And number three, don't give up ie Be persistent. Continue, try, come again. Start again. Continue until inshallah Tada you get to your goal. If you do these three things that giallo no matter what your goal is,

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inshallah you'll eventually get there. So if I'm not, is that gonna cost us all $1,000 You just gave us like all self development in one Hadith, bro. This hadith is amazing. This hadith is incredible. That's why I told you I had it hanging on my wall because if there wasn't one thing that I wanted, it was this heavy laptop just put it back up. Insha Allah to Allah, we have this. We have this hadith covered in the Muslim class and it was one of the most like beloved Hadith to the students. If you look at this narration and others and all the ayat of the Quran about solder, it's linked to success all the time. Always. You cannot be a winner in New Jersey. Toyama Bhima Sabado unknown hula

00:49:38--> 00:50:00

is so severe. It really is an extensive, powerful trait. It's a lifestyle of winners that people have success. It's a vision that you have for the future. It's your trust in Allah. It's not giving up. When things get difficult standing up every time you fall down. It just we can talk about subject for for a long time and enjoy it. At the end of the day. We need to also not just look at the final destination that we're seeking

00:50:00--> 00:50:36

You need something very, very practical. So you need to know what it is that you want. You need to know the tools that will help you along the way. So trust in the law is one of them, the methods, the techniques that you have to be enduring, for example, with getting up and praying on time with your family and restraining from saying the wrong thing that requires a lot of subjects, being merciful to other people in this day and age in which there's a lot of hatred and division in society that requires a subject as well. So there's a lot of different angles to this system, a lot of you can give us maybe one of your favorite or top advices for people to hold on and commit to

00:50:36--> 00:50:37

perseverance in the coming year and trauma.

00:50:39--> 00:50:48

Absolutely, I think that you know, sub like you're all saying is, you know, both of you are saying is essential for any any type of growth,

00:50:49--> 00:51:28

in order to it's in the psychological world, right? It might be termed as, like resilience, it might be termed as distress tolerance. These are all things that you need in order to succeed in any way, which is the ability to be uncomfortable and be okay with being uncomfortable. Because that's what patients is, is that to get up for fed, you need to be able to be uncomfortable and choose that discomfort, in order to gain the comfort that actually matters in the hereafter. Right. And so, I think that one of the things that really from a practical perspective that really helps us to enhance our level of, of soccer, or whatever translation you want to use for it, is to shift our

00:51:28--> 00:52:11

mindset, I think our mentality about the things that we are faced with is what really stops us from being able to face them in the best of ways, whether it's conflict with family, whether it's getting up for Vegeta, whether it's doing anything that requires patience, a lot of times we view it from a negative perspective of like, I have to, I have to do this, I'm so tired of you know, like, I'm tired when I have to do this. So I'm going to do it. When you switch that to I get to I get to do this, almost pancetta has guided me to Islam, and I have the opportunity to get up and pray to Him and worship him, I have the opportunity that LS patata has given me these two legs I have I get to

00:52:12--> 00:52:54

get up for fetch, I get to go out and exercise, I get to how many families have wished that they could have a child and they don't have a child, I'd get to take care of my child and give them a meal or whatever it is. That's difficult, shifting a mentality. It's shifting your mentality thinking about the heavy thought also SLM of the reward for any type of disease, sorrow, sadness, any distress that befalls a Muslim, even the prick of a thorn. It's an expiation of sins, right, which allows us to increase in our sub, thinking about if this situation hadn't happened, what pieces of me would be missing? What quality have I gained? Through dealing with this difficult

00:52:54--> 00:53:24

scenario? Whether it's a conflict with family, you never would have, you will never ever learn conflict management skills from a book, it will only be through human interaction. What what skills have I gained through this conflict? What strengths have I gained because I went through this hardship? What would I be missing? If I had not had the opportunity to deal with that, and when we shift our mindset that allows us to be patient that allows us to have that perseverance or that resilience through whatever we're going through.

00:53:25--> 00:53:59

That will fail. That's a paradigm shift Subhanallah people have agenda will look back and say, I wish I could go back and do this again. Yeah, well, I wish I could do more. The shahada, the martyrs, that's all they're asking for. If only we could come back and do this again, for your sake. Now along, embracing somehow I was gonna say the same thing, embracing discomfort and realizing, in fact, there's good in it, there's growth in it, there's purification, and it's in this upcoming year, we can all turn to the reminders that people need on a daily basis, but that gets the need the plot and the plot environment, meaning through the Quran and through Salah as well. And then the

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shift in perspective, Chef Ahmad, if you want to give us an advice, and I guess, close us off in trouble, Tana.

00:54:06--> 00:54:35

I mean, there's so much more that could be said about saba. I think it's beautiful. You had mentioned about how Allah subhanaw taala you know, mentions them entering Paradise because of their patience because of their endurance because of their resilience, their perseverance. It's just to me it's beautiful, how Allah subhanaw taala pairs it with turning to him always. So Allah subhanho data is is your source of endurance. You get

00:54:37--> 00:54:50

patients from Allah subhanaw taala the people of the Sahara off that island, they said I fit it and they said to a lot cascade upon us. Patients when you're going through difficulty that you turn to a last panel data.

00:54:51--> 00:54:59

That paradigm shift always is what helps you go through patient that will help you go through difficulty when you expect good

00:55:00--> 00:55:38

is from Allah subhanaw taala that's why you're taught to say in that in that you're innately logical and when you go through a challenge that you say Allah whom I didn't even will see, but he said, I mean how you say, Oh Allah reward me and my calamity, no matter how far below the line who famously said that I never afflicted with a calamity, except that I realized that there are a number of blessings included in it and one of the blessings that He mentioned is that I hope to be rewarded for it. But Allah subhanaw taala pairs, patients with turning to him as a means of success. So Allah says in surah baqarah, twice, is the end of the summary or salah, Allah says Seek help in two

00:55:38--> 00:56:17

things, internally, your own endurance, your own resilience, but also externally in Allah subhanho data and Salah that you're connecting with Allah. Allah says at the end of Surah ad Emraan you will lady and Mrs. Guru, wasabi row or Avi to what happened last night looking to Allah says it's good to have patience will Sadhguru and compete with each other and patients Outlast one another and a rabbit to hold fast with tequila and have Taqwa of Allah Taqwa of Allah is turning to Allah Subhana Allah to Allah and if you do that, you have you hold the fort down with regards to your patients, you turn to alas panda data, and you will be successful in whatever endeavor you undertake.

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Inshallah, tada. It's very, very beautiful sister Sabra. I want to thank you for you know, we had to start off big so we had to start off with you. So just talk a little bit for joining us. And if you could let us know what your projects are what's going on in your world these days.

00:56:33--> 00:56:57

Does that come off and on for having me it was, it was a privilege to be here and to be able to speak with you and to this wonderful audience on these blessed days of the Hijjah that hamdulillah as far on my end, so and Hamdulillah we did the I did partial recording of FitClub love with chirality. I really enjoyed that. And hamdulillah

00:56:58--> 00:57:10

there's another course that's coming up, that's marriage related. I don't know if if I can check. I don't I don't know the restrictions on what I can share about it, but that's another one that's going to be recorded very soon. So that'll be released,

00:57:11--> 00:57:39

you know, sometime sometime in the coming months and chama and so that's been that's what I'm prepping for right now. I'll be recording that next week inshallah. Inshallah, is that gonna fit and for everybody else, just today man when I will be hosting a Charlotte data this series over the next couple of days at sha Allah and in the days of their hedge, of course, if you want to support it and love it, but we have a link for you in sha Allah in the chat. So the mobile forward slash donate

00:57:40--> 00:57:49

should have known it means that something really beautiful, he says that $1 that's donated in the hijab versus $1 that's donated in Ramadan, which one is more beloved to Allah.

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Hold on a second. It's Ramadan, right on the line is when everybody donates everything they've got. He says between me and you is the book of Allah. And the prophets of Allah it is and him said, there are no days in which meaning the book of Allah and the Sunnah of the Prophet slicin. And the province of the license said, there are no days in which good deeds are more beloved to Allah than in these days. And so these days, all good actions are more beloved to Allah, including southern so it's just a reminder, Rahim Allah, He said, it's incumbent upon people to continue to teach the masses, these concepts because people just absorbed that Ramadan is the best time to do anything.

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But in reality, these 10 days are very, very special indeed. And Allah Subhana Allah knows best we'll see everybody tomorrow inshallah Tada. Tomorrow, we're joined by Chef I'm Mr. De man. And chefs today manage all that exactly, which is sad, and we'll see everybody very soon.