#12 Condolences, The Azza – For Those Left Behind

If you think back to your hardest moments, and you think about the words that you remember being said, in those moments by those that were around, you typically remember things that were really, really out of place things that were said that were very insensitive. But as far as the good words, you don't necessarily remember the good words as much as you remember the good presence of people, people who you felt like we're really grieving alongside you people who had a comforting presence, but their words aren't etched in your memory as much.

When someone said something that really was out of place, you probably remember that there are exceptions to that. We've been on vessel the low tide on Houma. He mentions when his father passed away and I bustled the lowdown, I know that there was a bedwin man that said something so simple to him in offering him condolences, but it was so profound. He said hi to him in an embassy. He said that what's better for you than allowed us than having your father is the reward that Allah subhanaw taala gives you for being patient with the loss of your father. Well, lo seidelman kaeleen Ibis and Allah is better than you for your father. Meaning that as much as you love to having your father

around, the reward that you have for grieving him properly, and being patient with his loss is greater than actually having him here. And as much as your Father loves you, the way that Allah subhanho wa Taala will love him and take care of him in the next realm amongst the righteous is far greater than any love and comfort that you could have offered him in this world. It's a very profound statement, and it matches what the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam taught us to say, when we're offering condolences to people. He says it's a lot harder to sell them in Melilla Hema wilhelma alpa so he says to the grieving family, that to Allah belongs that which he has taken and

that which he has given, he starts with that which he has taken right to Allah belongs that which he has taken and that which he has given. your loved one was never really yours, okay, it was always for Allah subhana wa tada you and then we're always for a loss of hundreds out. So in Allah, Allah Allah, Allah, Allah Allah, we're in the whole cliche in big limosa and everything is with a loss of data in accordance with its prescribed time meaning everything has its expiration date, every one has their prescribed term on this earth. And once that term finishes Allah Subhana Hood's Allah will take that person back no matter what kind of toss the word.

So be patient and seek the reward from Allah subhana wa tada a very powerful way. We also see that the Prophet slicin, I'm used to say, the Mullah educ, which is of course very common for us to say me Allah magnify your reward. And it's also been narrated well, x and as well as I thought about the music, that may he may he magnify your reward. May He perfect, your grieving, and may He have mercy on your loved one. Now, those are the words that are to be exchanged. When a person is offering condolences and receiving condolences, the problem really becomes the practices that surround and as a that surrounds the idea of condolences, and most of them are not only not found in the center,

they're actually opposite of the center. The prophets lie some of them when Jaffa even ever thought about a lot of time and who his cousin passed away there's a very long and beautiful narration of the Prophet slicin going to the family of Jaffa will the allot of time. And he has to inform them of the death of Joshua with the low annual and a smart the wife of Jaffa, you know gives us this powerful narration of the Prophet slicin I'm coming in and she had prepared the kids she prepared herself waiting for Java to come back. But instead is the profit slice alone. And the prophets lie some calls for the kids and they all jumped on him it is slotless and I'm loving him as he was their

uncle, not just the Messenger of Allah and the prophets lie Selim starts to smell their hair he starts to kiss them and embrace them. And a smart knows that something is wrong. Something is wrong with the demeanor of the Prophet slicin but she was afraid to ask. And finally the prophets lie Selim mentions that Jaffa will be allowed to and who was martyred and when the pain overtakes a smart mentor may slowly allow the family of Jaffa that's where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says it's not only Addy Jaffe, Ayana that make food for the family of Jaffa faqad at our home is Hello home because there is something that has come to them which is keeping them busy. What

keeps them busy has come to them meaning they are preoccupied with the death of Jaffa with the allotted time. So make food for them.

So that they don't have to worry about making food for themselves. Now, the problem is, is that we've completely flipped the sun. The Sunnah is to give the family space. And I say this to the immediate family, more than anything else. Don't be afraid to tell people you need space because sometimes people undertake these practices like three days opening the house, between mclubbe and Asia, and it's always past Asia. And then we have to serve food to all of these guests. And then, you know, they come and they talk about other things. And we're left with not just grieving but having to host and not only do we have to host we have to clean up after people, people say

insensitive things to us, people crowd us, some people are, they're not even talking about anything that has to do with that they're talking about matters of the dunya we have to clean up after they leave. This is not from the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So in reality, we are supposed to do the things that relieve the family of the deceased of as much as possible so that they can possibly grieve and so instead of, you know, going to their homes and forming these gatherings or forcing these gatherings upon them, make food for them, start a meal train make food for them, that's the son of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam offer condolences in ways that

do not infringe upon the space of the family. And if you are the family of the deceased, don't be afraid to set those boundaries. And you know, when it comes to the aza there are, you know, some narrations from one of the companions of the Prophet SAW some, for example, that we used to consider gathering and having food and feasting as a form of Nia has a form of wailing and mourning, which hurts the duck. But But look, the overall rule here is give space, give space, take care of the needs of the family offer condolences without becoming a burden upon them in the process, and for the family to be comfortable in conveying that and not burdened by a tradition that somehow is

dressed as a Sunnah, where you have to have this formal gathering for three days and three nights. And somehow you even find that people start to compete with the type of food that they have to prepare. So there's a financial expense as well, you know, one family is going to serve this type of food. And then you have to have, you know, fresh sacrifices, because that's how you honor the dead. None of that is from the son of the Prophet slice. On fact, most of the scholars mentioned that giving the condolences should be done, you know, in the messenger there where you see the people without infringing upon them. And should the family have people come and visit them? Should the

family accompany you know others or have others accompany them. If they want that, if they want that, then they can have those that they need be around them. So it's also not to the extent where like, it's hard to have people come and visit you for those three days, no, but you should have the choice to say who you would like to be around you for those three days and not be burdened by any extra expectations. And so with that as a, once again, the sooner is ease. And the innovations are hardship and provide all sorts of difficulties for the family. And it's important for us to separate the two, to grieve for three days to take time off to reflect to remember a loss of what's added to

have everything prepared for you and not to add on more that will burden you or burden especially the closer relatives and sometimes by the way, the extended family puts pressure on the immediate family to do certain things and that's also not fair. So as a family grieve together, read the Koran remember Allah subhanaw taala mentioned good aspects of the dead. It's okay to get together and to remind one another of death to speak about death. But don't take on an extra level of feast or gathering that is not going to honor the dead nor is it going to honor the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam