Wives and in-Laws – That’s Messed Up!

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

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Episode Notes

A husband and a wife have a relationship with each other, with their own parents, and their own siblings. One of these relationships should not superimpose on another relationship and take you away from fulfilling its rights and responsibilities.

Episode Transcript

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How's it going, man?

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How's work? Work is good.

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Family is good. How's your dad doing? Man? CMS? CMS Thompson, please, inshallah?

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Yes, I look forward to seeing Oh, wait, I'm not going to be on Saturday. Oh, man, where are you going? I'm going to Houston, and charlo as the program, I'm guessing. Yeah, lots of programs are up nowadays. So what do you got going on? There a few programs. And you know, one of them, actually one sticks in my head. Because a program when great at the end of it, this lady comes up to me says she needs to talk to me in private, right. And

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I pulled her to the side and she talks starts talking to me about her husband. And it was a you know, it's it's not the worst of what I've heard, but it's messed up enough, you know, so she comes up and says, My husband's really religious, he prays five times a day, he goes to the machine all the time, etc, etc, etc. But at the same time, he forbids me from seeing my family.

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He doesn't like when I called them he doesn't like when I go over. So I almost secretly have to call my mom or, you know, check on them. And I don't, you know, am I, if I don't tell him that I'm talking to my mom, am I being sinful or something, you know, because you have to obey your husbands. He keeps telling me you know, that the men are in charge of women. And you have to do what I say I'm the meat of the household. So according to Allah and His Deen, according to the Sunday in the show, do you have to obey me and you're under my household now. So you can't do you know, or you can't stay in communication with your parents or your siblings or whatever. And then on top of that, he

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adds, like, you know, I don't want you to leave the house ever. Like, just stay home? And until I take you out, don't go anywhere, kind of thing. So she's like, Am I sinful for you know, he, she got in trouble for going in the backyard one time or something? So like,

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she's frustrated and her husband was there. But he was in a bathroom break or something. So she figured she'd slip into question. So how the law I realized that you know, a lot of times people do things in the name of Islam.

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And they quote for onsen shed era. But, dude, it's like the exact opposite.

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You know, like, so, you know, the relationship between a husband and a wife is one of a partnership. And even though the husband has been given certain responsibilities in the home, the Qurans language is not men or authorities over women of the jello, comunale maintainers over women, the word column has nothing to do with authority. Just really interesting. A lot of translations and men are authorities over women, but the word column in all of its meetings, none of them have to do with authority actually, from it is one of the names of Allah. Allahu La Ilaha Illa. What are you from the same origin. And the word Pune has nothing to do with authority, even when you're talking about

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a lot, it has to do with him taking care of maintaining, holding upright, etc. They maintains the entire existence, that's what makes it Okay, you, you know. So just to take that and first of all, say that I'm the authority over you, this is make any sense. And then second of all, like, you know, I have a relationship with my wife, I, or my wife has a relationship with me, she has a relationship with her parents, with her siblings, with their friends with the other, all these relationships, right? One relationship does not have the right to tell me to violate all the other relationships. It doesn't supersede the other, they don't everybody has their space, you're not a slave, like no

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human being as a slave of another slave or another human being. We're all slaves of a lot. Right? So I owe certain things to my mom, for example, but she cannot tell me to do something against my wife, or the other way around. And the same thing with my wife, I can tell her to do certain things. But if it's making her violate some basic, you know, rights of her own parents, like she's not leaving the house and moving in with them or something, but she's giving them a call and checking on them. That's not something I can stop her from. And even if I do, it doesn't count. Because she owes them that responsibility. It came from Allah like it's not something that she decided she has to have,

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it's actually from Allah, you have to be the best to your parents. When Allah says, well, meanwhile he didn't he didn't say men be the best your parents women until you get married.

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The rest of the time, you know, consider them history. And you can just casually like every he kind of

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doesn't say that your family situations, you know, so the other like, weird thing in this whole scenario. First of all, they bring religion in where it doesn't belong. Then even about the freedom of this one, Where can she go? Can she go outside and things like that? This is actually not a religious mandate, and he cannot tell her you cannot go outside as a kind of from the religion. But if he's insecure, and he's over protective and he's like, going crazy that she shouldn't go outside etc, etc.

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He, this is his psychological issue, not the religions. So I'm not saying that she should be able to disobey her husband because she's obligated.

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She's actually going even if she's not obligated, it's a choice to go. And she still has the right. In other words, you can't stop people from fulfilling obligations. And you also can't stop people from their own rights. I have the right to fresh air

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is handy. Somebody could use this for an extreme right? They can say, Okay, well, you know, what? I watched, you know, a lecture and I heard about this, or I heard this story about amado de la Hondo. And then you know what, I'm gonna go on a road trip. I'm traveling to California husbands See you later.

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When people could do that, but that's their problem, then that's another psychological disorder like I'm just going to be rebellious because I can be excetera I mean, family is not about rules that are imposed. Like, I can't have to quote a hadith at you every time I want you to do something, or you have to call it an ayah at me, and we've got much deeper issues, then. You know, then Quran and Sunnah we've, we don't have a normal marriage, like marriage is about, you know, discussion and compromise, making sure the other person's happy. Right. And when you have to blackmail someone to do something, using their religion that's like, ultimate, like, evil. I can't think of anything more

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messed up than that in a relationship to use chips like that, to use what Ethan called on to impose your will on somebody else. Even though that doesn't even fit, you know. So, I tried to tell her what I could. But you know, at the end of the day, she's, she's in the situation and I can't know or nobody else can intervene. At the end of the day, she's gonna have to work those things out with her husband directly, maybe.

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Yeah, and maybe, maybe it did help, you know, and it but at the very least, this, I think in a lot of relationships, there needs to be open conversation. And when people are misusing religion, they should be called out for it. You know, it just makes me sad to see this but inshallah things are getting better. At least people have the courage now to at least, come up to me, I commend your courage. It's not easy to come and talk about a problem you're having at home, you know, so I pray that inshallah so many people get helped, because she's had the courage to come and ask the question. I'll see you next time.