Open The Doors To Marriage

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

Topics: Women

Episode Notes

A central theme in Surah An-Nur is marriage and the main criteria for choosing a spouse. Nouman Ali Khan stresses that it is imperative in this day and age for parents to realise that the world their children live in today is completely different from theirs when they were growing up. Young people must have the freedom to meet in a dignified manner and parents must open the doors to what is halal when their children are ready for marriage because if they don’t they are, in fact, flinging the doors to the impermissible wide open. Prophet Muhammed sought refuge from an Ummah full of single men and women who are unable to get married out of social and financial concerns.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Ah, rubbish at least three were silly Emily rock data melissani of koko de la Hama sabitha angle multiball La ilaha illallah wa la homage and Amina Latina Amina Amina Sally hurt whatever. So will Huck what are some of the sub mineral behind I mean,

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today's football is dedicated to some lessons drawn from a little less than two I art of sorta note. These are talking about the principles by which we should understand the institution not only of marriage, but how to get people married in society. Allah azza wa jal is actually, you know, a blowhole, which actually mean nobody speaks more eloquently than Allah azzawajal does. And in just a few words, he's captured pretty much an entire worldview of how Muslim community and Muslim families are supposed to think about getting their sons and daughters married. And it's not only about getting your own sons and daughters married as a matter of fact, when these ions were revealed,

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there were a lot of people that had just become Muslim. So they did not have Muslim families there. There were women whose you know, whose parents were not Muslim, they were not supportive of them. These are Sahabi out now. And they are not married or they came out of a marriage and they have a child etc. There are these situations that are conventional, where you know, you have a son or a daughter and they grow up and they're of age and you're thinking about getting married. But our family, our larger family is the oma right? Allah calls the entire oma in one in the messenger, we'll call it one body, the Koran we'll call it Aqua, Blood Brothers, pretty much. We're brothers

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among ourselves, which means we're one large family. So when people in our community, men and women can't get married, that's also our problem. That's something that falls on all of our shoulders collectively. So Allah azza wa jal says, what the hell am I mean, come get the unmarried among them married. So where the statement begins, and even the Arabic language can be used for a woman, it can be used for a men, more commonly, actually it was used for women and less so it was used for men, it seems in the, from the usage of the Arabs, it indicates it's talking about men that are having a hard time finding a wife, or men that are, in a sense, sometimes also refusing to get married, you

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know, for whatever reason, encourage them to get married, right now, but on the other hand, it's actually majority of the cases of the word the use of the word is talking about women, women that have been previously married or divorced women that are that were never married before. women that have come from other families have now become Muslim, etc, etc. Those are the women that are being talked about and what's really interesting. The first thing I'd like to highlight here is often not talked about Allah azza wa jal actually highlighted

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divorced women first. He highlighted divorced women first and of the mothers of the believers, the wives of the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi wasallam. Actually, preference is given and the Sunnah of the prophet SAW his enemies to married divorced women or widows, that's actually a son of our messenger, alayhi salatu. Salam, as soon as that is now almost become the opposite. When somebody thinks about marrying somebody who's previously divorced, or somebody who's widowed, it's like, what are you doing? Are you crazy? You know, and this is the exact opposite of the legacy of our messenger Allah Sato salam, as a matter of fact, in the ayah, where Allah told His Messenger, that

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he may replace his wives with other wives. He mentioned thebarton, what, cara, he mentioned the women, I will get him married to other women that were previously married. First he mentioned them and then of Kara, and then the ones that are virgins, the ones that have never married before. So even in the sequencing of the Quran, many of us will highlight this, that Allah gave preference to those that were previously married, because that is, these are people that can become forgotten easily in a society. And in the oma, we don't forget people, we don't leave people behind. Now as an imperative, when Allah says, get young people married, or get non married people married, allow them

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to get married. This is a broad commandment. And who does it apply to? You would think it applies to people, okay, once this boy has graduated from school, once he's got a good job, once he's got a good amount of savings, once he's got, you know, a little bit of the return on investment paid back to his parents, you know, once he's done this, this, this, this and this, and once you know, everybody else in the family is taken care of, then we'll think about getting him married. Because if we get him married right now, all of his attention will go to his wife, we're not going to get anything. So we need this is our son, this is our investment. We need to get our money's worth first

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before we allow him to get married. And even when we do get married, this needs to not just be a matter of our material gain. This is a matter of family pride. We need to make sure that someone that we can show off, you know someone that we can be proud of and take lots of pictures and invite you know, have a huge gathering ceremony and be able to show that we married enough in an upper class family, etc, etc. So the considerations for how you get somebody married. You

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Put age restrictions on your your men and your women as a matter of fact. And for women, it's the exact opposite. In many families, the moment she turns into a teenager, they start getting like, I need to, I need to, you know, get rid of my responsibility, I need to just, it's like a disease in your home that you want to just get rid of, that you want to throw this girl out. And there there are young women that are depressed because their fathers and their mothers, all they talk about is you're still sitting at home, you're not getting married, you're still sitting at home. And on the other hand, the opposite is these young men that want to get married. And the parents have no not

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yet you're not ready you're not ready look at what the ayah does. Well finally he knows anybody can watch my econ even get good, the good among your slave men and women back then there was a slave society too. And the people that are making virtually no money are the slaves unless that's get them married to so the rationale that somebody has to be at a certain economic status before you think about marriage was crushed by one statement removed from the equation. The only thing mentioned in the equation is are they are they of the age should they be married. And the second is they're solid hain they're good people good means they're good with Allah also means they're mature. They're

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ready. They're they're of the age well, Sally Hannah, Mary bodycombat, Emma eco. And then Allah azza wa jal adds to that because there are people who still consider these matters in Qunu, fukada, uni uni himolla. home and family, if they happen to be bankrupt, if they don't have a lot of money. Don't worry, that's not your problem, Allah will give them well from his own blessing.

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Because bankruptcy to Allah is a lesser problem. But aima aima means lots of people in society that are not married, that's a much bigger problem. Not having money is a less problem. But not having people tied down in healthy relationships. That's a much, much bigger problem to a lot. You know, when I was studying this word, I even found a narration and now who can enter our Zoo sallahu alayhi salam, ala rasulillah salam used to actually seek refuge from a society with a lot of single people. He used to be worried about the Omar becoming people, a lot of single people just happy the way they are. And they're not happy the way they are. It's just that their families kept pushing them

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candidates that they're not interested in, and the one they wanted to marry, they're not allowed to marry. And so they say whatever, I'll just stay single. And you know, when somebody says I stay single doesn't mean I stay an angel. Let's, let's be very clear what that means. If there's a 30 year old, and he's a professional, and he's making good money, and she's 29 years old, or 28 years old, and she's graduated from school, and she's not married, that does not mean temptation hasn't come to them. Sin hasn't come their way that they've just Dave just live this pious life like they're living in the city of Medina, back in the day. And by the way, even the city of Medina had

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its issues. The city of Medina had pretty crazy situations, if you study the life of the Prophet slice of them carefully. And what happened with the companions around stuff happened. I mean, I was just this morning, I was reading about the narration of a Sahabi, who went back to Makkah, and he used to have literally a girlfriend, the words in the narration are kalila a girlfriend back before he became Muslim, and she saw him and she goes, Malik, what's wrong with you? Don't you want to be alone with me again, literally, that's what she said. And he said, Well, that's there's Islam between you and me now. That's what he said. And she got mad at him. And she got her brothers and

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friends to beat him up.

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He says, okay, the only way for us now is I have to marry you. And she says, fine, marry me because I have to ask the Prophet first. Because he doesn't know if he can marry someone who's anonymous. And so he goes back to the province, I saw them, and he asked him and then the IRS came down that and

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you know, don't marry mushrik women until they believe if she wants to accept Islam, fine. If not, then no. You know, if she wants to leave her pagan pagan ways, then fine. But I digress from the point the point the first point I wanted to make is how do we make marriage easy? Because this is something this is the way of shaitan you know, what the waveshare Tanisha Will you let him open it so brilliantly? The way of cittadina society is you make the harem easy, and you make the halaal difficult.

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That and when that happens in a society shaitaan is one because people will gravitate towards what is easy. So today, if you want pleasure for your eyes, what can you capture on a screen where the places you can go the access that you have at your workplace, at your campuses, you know, on your mobile devices on social media platforms on dating apps, you name it, all of that has become easy. And while the door to harm to fulfilled because human beings men will have desire for women, that's something a lot put inside them. It's not going to go away. Women will want companionship, it's something a lot put inside. It's in their nature. That's why families come together anyway. When

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that is the door to the unhealthy the filthy, the impermissible is wide open. And then that young man comes to his parents and says I think I need to get married. I know I'm only in my third year of college but

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This is getting out of hand Mom, this is getting out of hand, Dad, I think and he doesn't say that my hormones are driving me crazy. Man, the girls on campus, I don't even know what to tell you. Seriously, though, you know this one girl keeps texting me out. He's not going to talk like that to his dad, or his mom. He's just gonna say, Mom, I think I need to get married. He's gonna coat it in a nice way. And then what do parents do they humiliate this young man. Oh, can't hold it in Hmm. can control yourself? Well, I was 40 when I got banned, your father starts giving you lectures. You know? Like, how are you 40 you're 50. Now.

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You know.

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So what we've done as parents oftentimes, is oppress and suppress what naturally Allah put inside of us, especially in a time when the Haram is wide open, then you have to go out of your way to make the halal easy. You have to go out of your when you can only battle the harem by by opening the doors to the heroine, and to be able to say to our young men and women, this door is open for you. Before you ever even think about making mistake. Come talk to us. Let us know. Look your family pride. You know, you want to tell you wanted your son or daughter to marry somebody within the within the race within the city within the village. You know, within the extended cousins God knows

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what what you had in mind for them. You had all these dreams for them. If you wanted to have them marry within the village, why didn't you stay in the village? Why don't you bring them here? Why don't you let them go to college? Why didn't you let them? Why did you let them see the world you didn't put you're trying to pretend that the world is still what it was. It's not the world has changed. The world was even different from the Moroccan Sahaba when they moved to Medina, the Sahaba. Notice these are not like women of Morocco, this is different. Society was different for them. When people migrate, there's a new society. And we have to adapt to that. And to refuse to

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accept that as a form of oppression. It actually goes against the idea that says allow people to get married, open that door up. Which comes to the next point. When some proposal comes your way. You have daughters, like I have daughters may allow us to help all of us who have daughters, you know, or in sons to throw them in the dark. But you know, like, but if the if you have daughters and some proposal comes, she's of the age, it's a good match. She likes him. It's okay to ask, do you like him? It's not It's not her arm task. It's actually an important thing does do you like him? She says I don't like how he looks done. Finished. You can't force them anymore. I don't like I'm not

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attracted to him. I stuck for the law that will come along. We'll put it in your heart. No, it won't. That's not how it works. If she says I don't like him, he's too fat. He's too short. He's ugly. I'm you know, I don't like his personality, whatever she says she doesn't even have to give you a reason. She doesn't she could just say no, that's it. And by the way, later on in this I won't get time to get to it. But I'll just refer to the phrase, when to create who Pattaya Tikka Masala Bihar, don't force your young girls to rebellion. That's the phrase in the Quran. Don't force your young young girls to rebellion. And the immediate interpretation actually, of it was don't make

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young women go into prostitution. Because in Medina, that's what they did with slave women. They use them to make money off of them as pimps and they used to literally pimp them in the streets. That's what they did. And crime came and spoke against that. But the phrasing Allah use wasn't just about prostitution. He made it wide open. And what why is it wide open, when you force a woman to get married to someone she doesn't want to marry when you put you know, emotional pressure on her and say, if you don't marry him, nobody's gonna marry you, your family's gonna be humiliated. We've already printed the cards.

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When you do this kind of thing to your girls, and you get them married. And then emotionally, they're not in that marriage.

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They're still human beings, a human being still needs companionship, a human being still want somebody who, who they can be attracted to who they can find comfort, and that desire does not go away. And that desire will now be fulfilled by fantasy by them thinking about things by late night going on social media by other things, you force them into rebelling against Allah, because you forced them into a marriage they didn't want to begin with. This is not to call you for the article below. Also,

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don't push this on your on your daughters. But coming back, this is about men and about women. The young men of our community actually have to now stand up for themselves and have to say, I'm ready to get married. And I have somebody in mind and that's that's the next thing I want to share with you. You know, when it comes to, you want a marriage that lasts forever, like we want to, we want our boy to have the perfect girl. Good luck with that, by the way.

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Because perfection is not going to happen in this and your boy isn't perfect. Let me let me tell you if you don't know, let me tell you. We're all human beings. And human beings have flaws and sometimes sometimes things work.

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sometimes things don't work. But let me tell you, when a young man and a young woman are old enough to get married, that actually means they're old enough to make their own choice. Let me repeat myself, when they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to make their own choice. And maybe you don't like their choice and your job. And my job as parents is to advise them and say, I don't think this is a good choice. I think that this is you can do better. I and you're, by the way, as a parent, I think I'm always gonna say you could do better. I'm always gonna say that. But maybe, and maybe you think this is a mistake. But if your son is 25 years old, your daughter's 30 years

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old, and she wants to make a mistake, that halaal mistake is way better

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than halaal mistake is way way. And maybe things don't work out in three years, that's still better. That's still better than you refusing. Because I have seen enough cases I don't talk in theory, I'm talking based on what I've seen, the conversations I've had with people with real Muslim families around the world, especially around the United States and Canada, where people are this, this man comes and says, I want to marry this girl. The father says, No, you're not from the same country, you're not from the same culture or whatever. You can get married to my daughter or the other way around. But these two are still already emotionally attached. So they're texting each other and

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talking to each other, hanging out with each other, having dinner with each other parents don't know, five, six years go by they're refusing other proposals, then the girl is forced to marry somebody else, and she's still talking to the guy.

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And all of this was that that evil, that evil, that this whoever she married, didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this. But all of that evil was created by the stubbornness of parents who didn't realize that their children live in a different time. Where we're allowing marriage first is a bigger priority than anything else. You have to understand when these IOP came down, they came down in Medina, and the Arab people are aware of the time especially were very tribal, they wanted to maintain their innocence. At all costs, you maintain your lineage, lineage is a very, very big deal. So marrying outside your tribe was not a common thing. But now the Sahaba are in Medina, and they're

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outcasts from their own city anyway. And a lot of the people that were in Medina, they've accepted Islam. So they're outcasts from their own tribes. So they're going to be marriages outside of their culture, you have to understand it's not just an Arab marrying an Arab This is a who's really marrying someone from Thai for somebody you know, there's all this inter tribal marriage happening which is a big deal to them. It's as big a deal today that a Pakistani marrying a Bangladeshi has been, you know, or a Lebanese marrying an Egyptian in Allah when they lay here Nigerian, how can that be? You know, this, this was a big deal to them. But Allah said no, forget all of that. Just

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make sure that marriage itself becomes easy, just that much and Allah will take care of the rest. And before I conclude this whole by just one phrase from the next I will yes that Fifi Latina Elijah do nanika Han, Hatha Yoga Nia, Houma, la home and family, he has a tough fire. For all the young women men and women that are here especially the women. Sorry, especially the men. Allah says you better try to hold on as best as you can. Away from the harem is there five comes from FIFA FIFA World Cup for Anil haraam. Hello, can I use Moodle? They say to stay away from heroin even though Haram is really beautiful, really tempting. That's called efa instead of farfus mobila COVID. Do

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your hardest do your best to stay away from the impermissible know how no matter how tempting How beautiful, how emotionally you know, attractive it becomes, how justified it becomes in your mind, stay away from it as best you can. Those of you that cannot find a means to get married like that you do not need Gohan

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because that temptation is going to eat up, eat away at you and you'll be a believer on the outside. And when it comes to this kind of behavior. Yvonne is out the window. Remember the words of your Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is designing in is Navajo men.

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When somebody commits adultery, when somebody does the ultimate shameless act at the time they're doing it. They're no longer a believer. They're no longer a believer. This is the words of our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, you better hold on and protect yourself from the road to harm. The first moment you find the opportunity to take the halaal option, you take it,

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you take it and are the first notice in these IOP the first conversation was actually to the community and this is society. They were supposed to make things easier. And by the way today in our times, that is the role of the masjid where our good Muslims going to meet other good Muslims. You tell me at the mall, where are they going to meet at the hookah place? Where are they going to find each other? If our families families, men, women, children, if they start coming to the massagin then families start getting to know each other and connections start forming. That is actually one of the fundamental

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roles of the masjid especially in a society where the majority of the people are not believers. That's what's supposed to happen. It's okay. If somebody saw outside after Juma somebody was going to park their car. And some young men saw some woman and said, Oh, Mom, can you find out about her? It's completely fine. Actually, it's better. It's better that happens here than anywhere else.

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That's actually the case. You know, you find in our history there were there were women that used to run orphanages in Medina, women who had the thought would run orphanages, and they would take these orphan girls and the girls orphanage. There are no fathers. Nobody's gonna go look for nikka for them, or, you know, possible match for them or a proposal for them. Nobody knows they exist and orphans. So this this Mahabharata scholar used to take in Medina, she used to take all these orphan girls 18 1920 year old girls, she take them out shopping everyday to get groceries. You don't need 20 girls to go groceries, but she would. Why would she do that? And then people started complaining

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this fitna in the street in the market. All these young girls outside you know people say this nowadays is a big fitness Islamic convention. All these young girls in the bazaar suffered a lot Arlene.

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You don't you don't complain fitna in the movie theater. You've never complained in the mall. You've never complained on campus at the Islamic convention. There's fitna everywhere else is, you know, Allah just opened the blessings for you. Mashallah they went shopping. You know? So people complain this there's fitna and what did she say? Why do you do this? She said Lee at a sangha Davina Shabbat Medina.

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So I can hunt down the young men of Medina.

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Because when she goes shopping for carrots, the guy at the cash register is gonna fall in love and say, I want to find out about her. And he's gonna make us who's gonna marry these orphan girls? Who's gonna marry them if they know if nobody's even seen them. Nobody's ever even interested in them. There are legitimate ways by people getting introduced to each other. Some of us are so conservative. We're so protective of our women, that we want them to become invisible. That is not the way Medina operated. And some of us are so liberal, and so open. Oh, yeah, they want to go out to dinner. Go ahead. I'll just come back before midnight. Really? That's insane. What do you What

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are you thinking? What are you doing? This is not the hallway, open doors for shaitan. So we've got these two extremes. And now we've got to come back to the middle, allow young people to meet in a dignified fashion with the knowledge of their families. And if there is mutual interest, then it's okay. They can express it. I want to leave you with one last thing, even though I've talked about it many times before, just as a reminder for myself and for all of you. The only marriage proceedings mentioned in the Quran are that of Masada, Instagram, like from zero to 100, like finding a girl and getting married to a girl. You know, that whole spectrum is captured in the story of Musa Lisa, just

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a few things about that. First and foremost, he's he's from Louis LA. He is he's an Israelite.

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And he is homeless. He's a fugitive from the law. He ran from Egypt because he accidentally killed someone. So he's homeless. He's an Israelite, he's a fugitive he ends up in an Arab Arab tribe madeon. He ends up in Arab land, where he finds a couple of girls, and he helps them. And one of the girls indirectly told her father she's interested in him.

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And the father immediately said, Yes. And they got married. So in Swahili got married to an Arab, in the Quran. And the one from Israel. He was also homeless and a fugitive from the law. The only thing the father needed to see was Korean. I mean, three things. One, the girls interested.

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That was number one, she liked him.

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Number two, he's strong. He's got good character, good qualities in him. He can do a job, he can make money, he can defend my family, and then he's trustworthy. He had plenty of opportunity to do the wrong thing. He did no such thing he carried himself with dignity. When you have these three qualities, ethnicity didn't matter. financial status didn't matter. None of that mattered. None of that mattered. As a matter of fact, in this case, if nowadays when you say this, it sounds suicidal for 10 years, between eight and 10 years musante Sallam lived with his in laws

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and worked for his father in law. And his paycheck came from his in laws. Today when you say to somebody Hey, where do you work all work for my father in law, and I live with them too.

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Well, what this is a real man. This is a man even he lives with his in laws. You want to question the manhood of Masonic Salaam, try what see what happens to you because you don't want to get punched by that man or the salon.

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What I'm saying is there's sometimes unusual situations. And Allah mentions them on purpose in the Quran, because sometimes the marriage is going to be under unusual situations. Not every situation can be ideal. And in your family, if there's an unusual situation, don't sit

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They're in cry. Why couldn't we have a normal kind of situation? That's okay. Life is not about normal. Actually, when you dig deep and every family, there's no such thing as normal. Every one of us is weird. Every one of us has strange situations in their family. So we have to adapt and we have to be flexible, and we have to be merciful to our upcoming generation, allowing them to get married in a healthy way. And having that open conversation with our sons and with our daughters May Allah azza wa jal bless this community with healthy marriages. May Allah azza wa jal allow us to do right by our children and our children to do right by their children in raising children on Islam

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