Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
Series: Nouman Ali Khan - The Gulf Tour
Ust. Nouman Ali Khan was asked this question during a live lecture on the 2015 Gulf Tour.
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Bismillah salatu salam ala rasulillah. While he was on his mind, yet another interesting question that was posed to me by a sister in one of the lectures in the Gulf tour was about her inability to have children. And the fact that, because she can't have children, she's been married for over 10 years, that her mother in law says some pretty mean things to her, and keeps telling her son that your daughter, or your wife rather, is a disappointment. She says things directly indirectly through gestures and expresses her displeasure. And there's this stigma associated with this woman not being able to have a child. Now, a woman that wants to have a child and is unable to have a child goes
through a lot of emotional trauma on her own as it is. And it doesn't help that an overzealous Mother, you know, puts this all this pressure on top of that. And when she came to me, she was almost in tears already, about how her mother keeps her mother in law, keep saying these things, and her husband doesn't stop her from saying it. And the husband's also in an awkward position, because that's his mom, how's he going to stop her from saying this stuff, right. And there's a lot of ladies out there are a lot of wonderful, you know, women believers out there that go through similar situations, where things are said to them, you know, about their inability to have a child that are
just absolutely horrendous. The things to note here that I wanted to bring to everybody's attention, is that the ability to have a child is actually not within the hands of human beings. This is a gift given from Allah. And the tests that Allah gives us are not an indication of how much he loves or doesn't love us. Every human being has tests, every human being is given difficulty. As a matter of fact, you have, you know, prophets that make the law that they would have some some child to carry their legacy, and they don't have any children until very, very, very late in their years. So you have a problem of, you know, a test from Allah azza wa jal, in some cases, you have prophets that
have children, like no Halesowen as a son, great, I wouldn't want to sound like the son of no Halesowen, who would rebel and at the end of the day, we would be called a nahama lado saga, he is a deed no good. He's a something that is no good to isn't even no good son, he's, he's a no good deed to begin with such and such a horrible depiction in the Quran, of this young boy, or this man. So first and foremost, we need to back off in blaming people for the tests that Allah puts them in that will be under control. This is a this is a horrible thing to do. It's an arrogant and an ignorant thing to do. But what I told this woman and that what I'd like to tell my sisters also is that you
have to be realistic. And what I mean by that is, sometimes there are people who have their opinions, and they have their emotions. And as ignorant as those emotions can be, you cannot change them, nobody can change them, the sooner you recognize that she is not going to stop saying terrible things, every chance she gets, she's not going to stop having these horrible glances of the eye or the faces that she makes, or the sliding comments directly or indirectly to you and to others, that it's never ever, ever going to stop. The sooner you internalize and accept that the sooner you can move on with your life, you cannot change people, your job in life is to learn to deal with people,
sometimes people are very difficult to deal with. And you just have to deal with them, you will learn to brush off her hurtful words,
the moment you stop expecting better from her. You just can't accept that maybe this is her weakness, you just can't get over it. And you will the next time she says it, you just realize where it's coming from, and you just kind of let it go. You don't hold on to it, you don't let it get to you. You know, this is more about you. Learning to navigate hurtful words, than about changing somebody else. Any problem in Islam, when you're the solution in your head is changing somebody else think again. Think again, because we don't control people. We just don't. All we can do is control and mature the way we think about something and I I feel your pain. I really do. And I feel terrible
that you're in this situation, you know, but at the same time, the only way you can have a happier life. And stop thinking about this problem is that you just grow a thick skin and if your husband fails to if the husband is listening, my advice to the husband is Listen, you need to pull your mother aside and tell her to stop saying these things. You just need to tell her because some no this is not disrespectful, correcting your parents if they're wrong, and they're doing something wrong. They're doing wrong. They're hurting somebody with their words, is not disrespectful. This is being written against your mother in her account. The angels are writing this as a sin. Why would
you want your mother to get in trouble on judgment day? Wouldn't you want to save her from that. So you
Saying I shouldn't say anything you're not doing a good deed. This is not a righteous deed. This is you helping perpetuating a wrong that's happening inside your family. Telling your mother that something is wrong is okay. This is completely okay. You have to be respectful and loving when you do it. But that's just be respectful and loving and correct it allows it will make you better husbands, make the wives stronger wives and male allies which will make the parents more patient and more loving and kind and merciful with the words that they choose. And metalizer which will not hold us to account for the ignorant things that we say and do, particularly when it comes to America.