15. Being The Best to our Parents

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

Episode Notes

Usthad Nouman Ali Khan delves into the pertinent and essential topic of being the best version of ourselves whilst we are with our parents.

In Surah Al Isra, Verses 23 to 25,

“And Your Lord has decreed that you Worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age In your life, Say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them In terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through Mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small. Your Lord knows best what is in your inner-selves. If you are righteous, then, Verily, He is ever Most forgiving to those who turn unto Him again and again In obedience, and In repentance.”

Allah is demanding from us nothing short of our best when it comes to our parents. We have to be good, patient, merciful, charitable or to have the courtesy to our parents. The status of the parents is second only to the status of Allah SWT.the easiest way to enter Jannah is through obedience to the parents. The widest of Jannah gates are for those who are obedient and good to parents.

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age (while) with you, say not to them (so much as), “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up (when I was) small.” 

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “One who pleases his parents has verily pleased Allah and one who has angered his parents has verily angered Allah.”

The status of the parents is second only to the status of Allah SWT.the easiest way to enter Jannah is through obedience to the parents. The widest of Jannah gates are for those who are obedient and good to parents.

When they enter old age, one of them or two of them, we should not abandon them and speak to them in gracious respectable terms. We should not reciprocate anger with anger or reciprocate frustration with frustration. Whatever they use it doesn’t matter, we should respond with respect and with gracious words.

Listen intently to this emotional lecture and imbibe the message that comes across.

 

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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publish official diversity Emory, Dr. Pamela sunny Holly Welcome to Villa salatu salam ala rasulillah salam aleikum, wa Taala mercato. Today we're talking about the importance and value of regard for our parents. And I've chosen of the many items that are dedicated to this subject, probably the central IRA or from certain assaults or a number 17. And these are IRS 23 to 25. Dealing with the subject, Eliza begins and he says wakaba book your Lord declared a law taboo in the year that you will not be enslaved to anyone except Him alone will be Diwali, they need Santa. And in regards to both of your parents the best possible conduct those of you that are from Persian or

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Urdu or similar backgrounds, have one common misconception. Oh, a lot of the words in the Quran are also an older so I know what it says. I know the meanings. Well, you know, it's so happens that a lot of the words in similar languages like Turkish or old or Persian, that are influenced by the Arabic language has similar vocabulary, but they mean different things. They don't mean the same thing. So just because you know what the word means in English or an older or in Farsi doesn't mean you know the word in Arabic. Okay, just to give you an extreme example of that, just some of the matter becomes absolutely clear. In the Arabic language, Allah uses the word, the word in the Koran

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valine then in if I use this word in order, you'd be offended.

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And in Quran Allah uses the plural of it in Arabic, the plural of asila and he uses it for the Sahaba Wanaka nesara como la Habib Madryn? Well, Anton, as Illa Allah did you at the time of budget while you were all concluded, you know, collectively as Illa, meaning weak, powerless. So the word village in Arabic means powerless, weak, incapable of helping oneself, this is what it means. But in in another language, it may be very, very, very offensive. And the reason I bring this up is the word, son, and son, because I think my first language is Zulu. So when you think of the word Hassan, you're thinking of a favor.

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Right? Now let's have a look valid at Asana. With both of your parents have a son which means do them favors no actually has nothing to do with favors. It means to be the best at something.

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If sad in Arabic is excellence, it has nothing to do with doing favors. It has to do with doing your best. So less demanding from us nothing short of our best when it comes to our parents. What that means is you have a potential to be good or to be patient or to be merciful or to have kind words or to be charitable, right? Or to have courtesy, the best of your courtesy, the best of your words. The best of your patience should go to who? Your parents. So the good characteristics you have the peak of them the highest of them who does it Who does that? Who's deserving of them are your parents. But he says this of course after he mentioned himself, look adorable Coca Cola Yeah, the eye begins.

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Your Lord declared that you do not enslave yourself to anyone except Him alone. And then he immediately went to the parents and look at the highest standard that he said first will be valid any if Santa now there's other places in the Quran where Allah says Muslim,

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you know, instead of the word salad uses the word pasta and pasta is more general good. And generally speaking, you have to you have to have an attitude of good towards your parents. But what if Shan would use of this word aksana to be the best or to do X to excel which raises the bar between us and our parents. Now, the other thing I want you to focus on is actually the use of the word here. Why do you think the singular which is valid, and there are two of course while it and while either you heard both of these words before, but it means false

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And while that means mother, and there are two other words for mother and father and four on there's up, and then there is on is up and there's on. So you've got four words Now, why didn't walidah and you've got up and you've got

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other and all are more respectable terms and valleys in walidah

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an omen Arabic are at a higher level. And the way that linguists describe the difference, while it comes from what I usually do, which means to give birth, meaning your physical father and your physical mother, they are valid and valid. But there is a little more than that, as someone who didn't just father you physically, he's not just biological your father, he actually contributed to your upbringing he provided for you, he took care of you, he protected you, etc, etc. So he graduates from wildlife and becomes.

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So not everyone is necessarily a good

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right, but every once in a while, it's so obvious a more specialized subset. So what's the higher term while it our own

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is the higher term. Now another place, you will find a lot as a result tells us to be good to both parents. And then he says Hamlet, who omo who was in Santa be while he,

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we gave man a legacy in regards to both his while it both is valid then. And then he says Hamlet, who he switches the term, he doesn't say hello to Wiley valida, to who he says hello to Omaha. So he begins with the word wild. But he doesn't use the word that goes with what I've used. He uses the word home. And the reason for that is that the mother has already contributed. When she carries the child, when she delivers the child, when she feeds the child. She's not just a physical mother anymore, she's already contributed something towards the child. So she's automatically earned the status of home, but the father may not have necessarily earned that status, right. And the wisdom in

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this in these is, is I use the word Wiley Dane, what that teaches us is, we have to be the best to our parents, and especially our father, whether he was good to us or not,

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you know, whether Muslim or not good to us or not kinder, not merciful or not, courteous or not. He was there for you or not, it doesn't matter because I'll use the word violent. You know, in modern society, you're not good to your parents, or your parents say, Why are you so mean to me? And you turn to your dad, you say, well, you weren't there for me? What did you do for me? Right when I was the letter member, you didn't used to take me to the park, blah, blah, blah, and now I'm leaving you in a nursing home. So

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there's this reciprocal mentality what you do for me, I'm going to do for you, but by a lot as I was just using the world while he then there is no reciprocal mentality if he fathered you, he deserves the best of your conduct regardless of how he how he is to you. So proud of this is a very high principle in our Deen will be the wily Dania Shanna in May of Luanda in the Kiva,

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even if it'd be the case that they reach, even if it'd be the case that they reach in your midst old age, I had to Huma Oklahoma, one of them, or both of them, and unless specifically mentioned, so pilota, older age, why? Because as people get older, when their expectations become more, when your child your children are little, you don't expect too much from them. When they spill some water It is okay, it's the baby, what are you going to do? Right? When they get a little older, you say, why did you spill the water and then you get a little older and you say, oh, by the water.

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So you your expectations with your child get more and more and more. And so it's natural that the child can become more agitated with the parents because they're demanding more and more and more also naturally with aging and less as woman or

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whoever we give old age we reverse them in creation. And one of the interpretations of that is you know, old people become more and more childish. They become you know, a stubborn like a child, would they become emotionally volatile like a child would, right they become harder to deal with like a child is sometimes you don't know why they're angry, you can't reason with them. Or you might feel less like that sometimes with your parents. So when they reach this old age, it's a particular challenge. One of them or both of them, and especially in those circumstances salata hula, hula of them don't even say off to them. In other words, like I mentioned before, off is the expression in

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Arabic for the show of frustration. We can't even show our parents that we're frustrated, whether they're yelling at us, whether they're saying things that are fair or not fair, whether they're insulting you, it doesn't matter what they're doing. That's not the point. You're not showing them respect. Because of them. You're showing them respect because it's a command of Allah. Number one, number two, you're showing them respect because no matter how much harm they do to you, psychologically or physically even, no matter how much harm they do to you, you can never own they can never I'll do the good day that for you.

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Good that your mother did for you, for example, can never be outweighed by anything she says to you or does to you.

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If those of you that have had children, those of you that have seen your wives go through the difficulty of labor and carrying the child and delivering the child and then feeding the child, and staying up night after night, through our own sickness for the child, these are the people that appreciate their mother, all of a sudden,

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you see your wife in the ER, and you say, support Allah, this is what my mother put up with. You know, and then after she's done delivering this child going through pain, after which Allah forgives all of their sins, imagine that it's not something cheap, what they go through, right. And our mothers go through that for us. And then they after that they're done. It's not like they get a two week vacation, you've just had surgery, you know, you go to work, and you get you break an ankle, or, you know, you burn a hand or something, you got a couple of weeks off me no matter you know, you know, physical leave medical leave, the mother doesn't get a medical leave of absence, he just

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delivered the child 40 minutes ago, now she's got to feed the child. And the first time it hurts, like bleeding. She's got to get to work right away, no vacation. And she's got to stay up and feed the child and take care of the child endless without any fall any break whatsoever. Well, lucky people think they have a hard time men think that they do a lot when they go to work and they earn a living, right? I would rather stay at work 12 hours, 16 hours, 18 hours and take the job of a mother for even one day. Because what they do if you have kids, you know this, if the wife leaves you with the children with your two kids, or one child for three hours,

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will say how to live never put in more work than this ever in my life.

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You know, and they do this on a daily basis on a daily basis. And they continuously do this without ever turning around and saying to the child, you know, I've put in 20 hours in the last two days for you. So how about a little minimum wage even? Nothing. They ask for nothing in return. But they do in the end feel that they have some authority, some respect, they deserve something over this child, and rightfully so, look at what they've done for us. But what happens is when you and I become teenagers, we become hot blooded. Because we figured out the whole world. We know everything. That's right and everything that's wrong, and nobody can correct us because we're on top. And so your

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mother comes in says Why are you home late? I told you I was gonna go out with friends. Come on. I told you it's not my fault. You're always blaming me and you slam the door in your face and walk away. And then you're I am in your friends or text messaging them nowadays. Man, my mother, she just keeps yelling at me. She doesn't understand me. And the other one says, Yeah, my mom did my parents actually got a funny accent. You got to hear and talk. And then you your mother calls, what are you doing nothing homework, right? Because my, I can't relate to my parents, they're, they're just from out of this planet or something. So we've got no regard for our parents. And just imagine these are

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the same parents that put up with us. So you know, endlessly put up with us with nothing but love for us. But we just one thing doesn't go our way and forget it. And it starts even a childhood in our society. Just by the way side parenting advice. Don't take your kids to Toys R Us or KB toys or anything like that. Never. If you want to get your kids something, go get it yourself and then bring it home. Because if you take them to the toy store, then there's about 100,000 pieces of merchandise that they didn't bring home.

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Right? So as they're leaving the cash register, they're gonna see a candy bar and they're gonna see another video game that you didn't buy them so they're not gonna remember what you bought them. What will they remember? What you didn't get them. You're you're teaching them your children. You're teaching them in gratitude from from childhood. Oh, man, they didn't even get that for me. Oh, come on. That's not fair. I only got the cheap one. Right. So we don't it's just consumer society. That's what they want you to do. Toys tours are designed by design stores are designed to make you want to leave with something more. So you will notice if you just do a little bit of experiment for

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yourselves, go to a toy store and hang out there for a couple of minutes. You'll see kids leaving the toy store crying. No child leaves the toy store happy

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because there's always something back there. So this is this mentality is brewed even from childhood. So as kids become adults, my dad bought me a cheap car.

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You know, he's not paying all of my tuition. He's only paying 85% on what he wants from me. He'll he only bought me one pair of sneakers this year. Now the parents the children are trained to complain about things they get, rather than be grateful. This is an Omar gratitude. Right. But returning to an Omar complaints from early childhood, and we're doing this to our kids. We have to understand we can expose them to this kind of mentality. And there's ways to you know, be actively involved in the upbringing of our kids, anyway, come to you in old age or one of them or two of them finance Apollo's wallet and Huma Nakula calling Karima don't abandon them and speak to them in gracious

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respectable terms don't reciprocate angry

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with anger, don't reciprocate frustration with frustration, don't reciprocate, loud voice with loud voice, whatever they use. It doesn't matter. You respond with respect. you respond with gracious words with gracious words. You know, there's a quick story, my teacher always tells the story of the semia when he's giving this teaching this is I'll share the story with you. It's actually pretty interesting. There was this boy, and he's about three years old, and he's walking with his dad in the park. Okay. And they're walking in the park, and the boy sees a crow on the tree.

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And he says to his dead, Dad, what's that? And he says, it's a crow. And it says, Okay, dad. Oh, what's that? It says it's a CRO. And he asked him again, then What's that? It's a CRO and other goodpaster. He turns on that let's head back there. It says it's a CRO, he asked him like 20 times. What's that? And he says, it's a CRO, and the father thinks it's funny. So he comes home and he writes it in his journal today. My son asked me 20 times about a crow. Right. And he thought it was cute. So now he's not three anymore. 30 years go by. He's 33.

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And he lives in a different city. He's got his own family own problems. Dad calls him one day, I want to come over for the weekend. On busy this weekend, we're going on a picnic. But okay, if you have to then find Do I have to pay the ticket?

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So the father comes early in the morning, the father says, Let's go for a walk. Is there a park nearby?

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And I gotta get to work. But it's the week I know, but I had some other plans. Okay, fine. Let's go Fine. Fine, just for five minutes. Now they're going for a walk. And they see a crow. And the father says, Son, what's that? It's a crow, dad.

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Son, what's that? Oh, my goodness. I told you. It's a crow. I sent you glasses last month is a prescription running out already.

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What's the matter with you? Is this funny?

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And he asked him a third time and says, You know what, I'm not talking to you anymore.

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And so the father pulls out his journal, and he shows it to his son. And he says, You asked me what a crow is 20 times. And I responded with a smile. You couldn't handle three. Right? And so I mean, it's just a story. But it tells us something about our temperament with our parents. Right. So Allah says wakulla, Houma colon, Karima. And then he uses these profound words, the Quran is full of imagery, just incredible images. Allah says, What Fifth Level imagina elimina rathna.

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Lower for them, your wings of mercy,

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your wings of shade, out of mercy, rather, so that each part of this is important. First of all, lower for the meaning lower your Eagle, lower yourself. And then the words user wings, we don't have wings. But the image is that of a bird. When it protects its nest, what does it do? It puts its wings, its most precious asset, it puts it in front of the nest. If you want to attack something, attack my wings, don't attack my nest, right. So let is telling us to lower our wings of shade to cover our parents out of one sentiment, men are rushed out of mercy. No matter what your parents do to you or say to you or what you feel about them. The number one motivation we should have towards

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our parents is mercy. And that's a commandment of a large origin. Lust field is a command. And I'm lahoma Jenna.

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And while you do this, while they're hurting, your feelings are yelling at you and you're convinced that they're wrong, while they're doing all of that you make the offer them in private, will call and say,

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Oh, my Lord, have mercy on both of them. Have mercy on both of them. Now notice these words, you don't even say are a bit self lahoma My Lord forgive both of them because then you would be implying that they're doing something wrong to me, I want you to forgive them. But a lot tells us to say show them mercy. Don't even attribute wrong to them. ask Allah to show mercy to them. And then you asked in reciprocation, because we can never we as human beings can never pay back what our mothers did and what our fathers did for us. So Allah was the only one who can pay that back and forth. So we asked him, Homer Kamara Bayani Sahara. Like they took care of me like they were in charge of raising

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me and making sure that all of my needs are met, when I was small. Now look at the profound nature of this law. We want a lot of show our parents mercy the way they showed us mercy. You would expect tit for tat. I should show them mercy like they showed me mercy. But you know what the IRS teaching us I can never do enough for them. In response in proportion to what they did for me, only a law can do that. So Rob Durham, Houma, Kamara, Bernice lira, right? This is the it's a profound or is that something small? You show them mercy like they were over me. Now. The word Rob in federal form 10 via this word comes from this, okay. Now, Rob, Rob Bayani they took care of me

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this word and

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In the past tense that's been used here. What does it mean? Allah azza wa jal is our our Rob. He's our Rob, what does it mean? He's our sustainer, which means he provides for us and he allows us to exist from one moment to another. He takes care of every one of our needs, he's in complete charge over us. And in a limited mortal sense, Allah gave that responsibility to who, our parents, they were cleaning us when we couldn't clean ourselves and feeding us when we couldn't feed ourselves and clothing us when we couldn't clothe ourselves. They were there when we were in the most embarrassing helpless situations, we were nothing more than animals,

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you know, that they will take care of us, we would be completely, you know, we would cease to exist without their help. And they were there in that state for us. And when they reach a hopeless state, what do we do for them in an old folks home, it's too hard to deal with them at home. It's too much work, their temperament I can't handle.

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See, this is this is great cruelty in our times, and our society, Muslim society understood, the easiest way to earn genda is good to your parents. So when they become old, it's more reason for you to be with them. And in modern times, what is it when they become old, it's more reasonable for you to get away. You know, stay away, let's move to another state. I don't want to be around my parents, because they'll keep calling every day. That's a good thing. They'll keep calling if they annoy you Congratulations, because you're fulfilling the I am not saying of you could say to a lie, didn't say

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always giving you an opportunity to fulfill His Word. So don't say don't think of it as something to complain about. Think of it as something to be grateful for. And finally, we end with the ayah or bukem Allah movie Matthew fujichrome. Your Lord He knows best what you have in yourselves and this knifes is usually used in terms of secret, meaning in on our tongue into ourselves, we can even lie we can say I take care of my parents, you don't have to tell me this. You're preaching the choir. I already do my job. But deep down inside, you know that you're doing something bad, you're not doing enough. You and I know. Only one who knows. That is you though. Because if somebody else asks you,

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you could say I'm doing my job I'm doing enough. I fulfilled my requirements. But Allah says, Allah knows best, what is inside your office in sakuni. If in fact, you really are righteous in this context in regards to this matter, if in fact, you're doing the right thing with your parents, in the context of the IRS. for India, who can be number four, for those who come clean away really the one who comes clean before Allah admits his sins and makes Nova. So if you want to be clean with a lush panatela, come clean and say, you know what I messed up so far. I'm coming back to a larger budget and I'm promising I'm making a resolution. And I'm avant doesn't resolution who needs a new

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year's resolution, I'm making a resolution that I'm going to correct my relationship with my parents, and be the best I possibly can be with them. If I make that then Allah says, For those people, Allah has always been exceedingly forgiving. Meaning Ally's subhana wa Taala is still willing to overlook our flaw. And he's still willing to forgive us if we come clean before him, if we admit to ourselves first, that we have missed out on taking care of our parents, and then do everything we can for them. Now, final piece of final piece of advice on the subject and shallow thought, especially for young brothers and sisters. A lot of times you have situations where you're

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angry at your parents, especially in our society here, right? The best thing to do to tackle that situation is actually to do the opposite. execute your anger, by doing something extra for your parents, by our mothers and flowers, go vacuum her room, do the laundry without being asked. Don't say it and the younger guys hear me, I clean up my room. You're not doing that for her. That's for yourself, clean up their room, take the car to the carwash. Go do the groceries from uni, do something for them, something extra for them, especially when they're extra mad at you. Even if you think they're wrong, and you're right, even then do something extra for them. And this will build

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inside you a high level of character build inside you solder and it will build inside you forbearance and it will build inside you good respect, nice respect for your parents, and in turn a little soft in their hearts towards you. And that's the other thing. If you respond with your mother's angry comments with anger,

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there's no way you're ever going to win.

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She's gonna say Oh, you're so smart. Fine. You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I raised a smarter child than myself. You're the best, you know, you want me to forgive. You want me to apologize to you? And she's gonna put you in a she's gonna put herself down. And that's the worst thing you want. That's the last thing you want. So put yourself below. Lower your wings, humble yourself. And let's help us the believers to come to other believers with humility. Then imagine our parents. We have to be extremely, extremely humbled to our parents for knowing full well. They will say things that probably nobody else

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Can deer say to you that they will say them to you? Because they know they can get away with it.

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I would bug my children I'll teach my kids it's just force of habit. I'll just use it because I can. I can't do with other people's kids. But and they'll say, oh blah stop, but I will stop because I You don't have to.

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So yeah, parents will say things to test you poke you. But that's just part of the perks of being a parent let them

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you have to learn to deal with it. You have to learn to still smile in their face and that's a good son and that's a good daughter, Eliza just make us good sons and daughters and grant us good sons and daughters. barakallahu li walakum Hakeem when finally we're coming out with the article