Moving Forward As A Community Marriage Part 1

share this pageShare Page
Navaid Aziz

Channel: Navaid Aziz

Series:

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:21--> 00:00:31

him in Alhamdulillah in China when the stock shuttle went out to Billa human Cerulean fusina woman sejati Amina Maria de la dama de la forma

00:00:32--> 00:00:47

de la, la la la la la la la sharika was shadow namaha Medina Abu Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa seldom at the Sleeman kathira My bad, my dear brothers and sisters salaam aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

00:00:48--> 00:01:25

So I want to share my first story of ever proposing to a sister. This starts off, I'm 19 years old, and I've just finished my story. I'm 20 years old at this time, and I've just finished my first year at the Islamic University of Medina. And while I was there at the Islamic University of Medina, I was actually one of the younger Western students, you know, everyone was about like, three, four or five years older than me. Some of them had children, most of them were already married. So the main thing when I got back was, you know, I need to get married. That was like priority number one, when I came back during the first summer vacation, science start thinking, Man, I don't know any sisters,

00:01:25--> 00:02:02

you know, I've been gone for this year, there weren't too many sisters in the MSA. Who knows where they are? What on earth do I do? So at that time, I don't know for those of you who are old enough to remember this, but they used to have an MSN chat room. Does anyone remember the MSN chat room? No, no, this is a really long chat. So they had this MSN chat room, that Muslim chat room. And they from time to time, they would have quizzes in this chat room. So like, the person would ask questions, and then the first person to answer that question correctly, you know, they get like a point or something like that. And every week I try to attend this quiz during the summertime. And

00:02:02--> 00:02:13

like, somewhere halfway in between, I'm looking at like the score. And there's a sister who was like number one on the list. She's like, destroying everyone else. So I started thinking, you know what, I think this is the sister I want to marry.

00:02:15--> 00:02:22

I've never seen her I've never spoken to her. I know nothing about her, except for the fact that she knows how to answer these questions on MSN chat.

00:02:24--> 00:02:41

So lo and behold, I tell my sister, I you know, there's a sister on MSN chat. I don't know too much about her. Can you please see her? You know, she's interested in getting married. My sister email is not even 24 hours go by this sister response. She's like, what's wrong with your brother? He doesn't even know me.

00:02:43--> 00:03:06

And that was my first heartbreak. So that was my first story, you know, we're proposing to a sister. But with that having been said, you know, that was a very valuable lesson for me that a lot of the times the brothers they get so over emotionally charged when it comes to marriage is like anything that walks and breathes. Hello, I'm ready to get married to them. And that can't be the case. He seems to agree.

00:03:07--> 00:03:41

Time. So as you guys know, the topic for tonight, and for the next four weeks is going to be marriage related. Tonight is about the integrity of marriage. You know, why do people get married? What constitutes marriage in Islam? What are some of the challenges and difficulties you face? What are the things you should look for? And what are the topics you need to take place before you get married with the lights either? So that having been said Let us start off Firstly, with the objectives of marriage? Why did Allah subhanho wa Taala legislate marriage. So the objectives of marriage from what the scholars have mentioned are five, there are five things with the Knights

00:03:41--> 00:04:21

Allah. And if you understand these objectives, you can see how your focus in marriage will change in the type of person you choose to marry. It will depend upon these objectives being fulfilled within lightoller. So the first objective of marriage is that what we call an FF, which is the maintaining of chastity, and purity inside of community, meaning that in a community in order to retain its purity, people should fulfill their desires through marriage. And it's not just you know, every person that you seem to have an attraction with, should you fulfill your desire with, but rather, it is through marriage that a husband and a wife, they fulfill their desire through their spouse to be

00:04:21--> 00:04:59

the light either. The second objective of marriage is directly related to that. And that is for the fulfilling of desire for the fulfilling of desire. You'll notice that when you study certain religions, the topic of fulfilling one's desire, it becomes very taboo, it becomes very terrible. So perhaps if you look at something like Christianity, you know the Pope's and the priests and the nuns, they're not mentioned to get married, they suppress and repress that desire. But in Islam, we don't say that we say that a person should get married, but they should also a person should full fill their desire, but they should do it in a halal way. So that is the second thing. The third

00:04:59--> 00:04:59

thing

00:05:00--> 00:05:42

Is that of procreation is that of procreation. So in order to increase the numbers of human beings, Allah subhanaw taala legislated marriage, where the objective isn't only procreation, where a new progeny and a new generation will come about, but a new generation that is responsible, that is taught morals and manners that has a value and a standard of ethics. So meaning that it is about creating a future generation that is responsible, and that is done through marriage. Number four, that it is the cornerstone of the Muslim community. So you'll notice that in Islam, we have this hierarchy, if you want to call it that in terms of the way the community works. So you have the

00:05:42--> 00:06:21

larger oma in general, then you have your local community, then you have the individual families, and then you have the individual. So the cornerstone of this pyramid of a Muslim community and the Muslim Ummah, it starts off with people getting married, meaning that societies are built through marriage societies are built through marriage. And the fifth and last objective of marriage is that you have that companionship is that you have that companionship. And so panela Allah subhanho wa Taala created this companionship in such a way that it's unavoidable. You know, if you look at yourself, as an individual, look at the stages of your life, that you came into this world, longing,

00:06:21--> 00:06:59

the love of your mother and father, once you attain the love of your mother and father, you get a bit older, now you learn the acceptance and love of your peers and your companions. Once you get a bit older, that love of your parents that love your friends, is no longer sufficient. And you need to move on to the next step, which is getting married, which is getting married. And now you desire, the love and the acceptance of a companion of the opposite gender. And this is what the spouse is for. This is what the spouse of is for. Now, particularly with this object or this concept of companionship, an important thing to understand is that a lot of the times this gets downplayed by

00:06:59--> 00:07:33

men. You know, a lot of the times when men think about marriage, this concept of companionship doesn't come into play, that their best friend will be, you know, the brother that they go play basketball with a brother that they go to the movies with the brother that they do other activities with, and never will a brother view his wife, as his best friend, very seldom does that happen. Whereas from a wife's perspective, is the exact opposite. You know, her best friend, she will naturally assume is her husband, she develops an emotional attachment. This is the person that she likes to speak to this the person that she wants to spend her time with. And you'll notice that this

00:07:33--> 00:07:50

says this, I guess dichotomy takes place from that perspective. And as a brother, you want to pay attention to this. Because when your wife starts acting in a certain way, and you wonder, you know, why is this happening? It's because you're not giving her the same importance that she gives you. And we'll discuss that next week. Before

00:07:52--> 00:08:14

we move on to the next topic, which is the ruling of marriage in Islam. What is the ruling on marriage in Islam? So who wants to enlighten me with that? What is the ruling on marriage in Islam? What is the ruling is marriage? Is marriage recommended? Is marriage merely permissible? Is marriage disliked? Or is marriage How long? You said it's fourth? Explain why why is it fourth?

00:08:18--> 00:08:27

Because you have to build the next generation. So marriage is thought of so what if some people are building a next generation and someone isn't? Is that person sinful then?

00:08:28--> 00:08:29

So then it's not fun?

00:08:31--> 00:08:34

It's recommended. So we're going to go through each category now. Go ahead.

00:08:47--> 00:08:54

Okay, so the de facto ruling is that it is something which is recommended to do until the circumstances changes. Anyone else? Go ahead.

00:08:58--> 00:08:58

Muslim

00:09:12--> 00:09:15

Mashallah, you pumped up man, you have to get up off your seat.

00:09:16--> 00:09:17

Anyone else want to go ahead?

00:09:20--> 00:09:20

Okay.

00:09:23--> 00:09:57

Okay, excellent. So I think we've reached the defector ruling that marriage in Islam, the de facto rule in the base ruling is that it is something which is recommended to do and this is based upon the Hadith of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, where he said that Getting married is from my sinner, and whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not from me, whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not from me. But with that having been said, just because you have a defect ruling on something, it does not mean that this will really be the ruling at all times. So for example, someone that has trouble controlling their desire, then marriage for this person will become

00:09:57--> 00:09:59

compulsory marriage will for this person.

00:10:00--> 00:10:11

will become compulsory and then you look at the exact opposite end the exact opposite ends. So you have something which is wajib the exact opposite end is that something which is how long can marriage becomes something that is haram?

00:10:13--> 00:10:14

When when would marriage become haram?

00:10:16--> 00:10:21

When you already have four wives Excellent. So that is one time that marriage will become hot on when else.

00:10:25--> 00:10:28

Explain so what type of haram means would you take to get married?

00:10:37--> 00:10:42

Okay, I hope you don't know a scenario like that. But what else would marriage be hold on? Can anyone think of any other scenarios?

00:10:47--> 00:10:54

So financially, they're they're uncapable of I don't know if it'll become haram at that time, you can take a loan, you can take a loan.

00:10:55--> 00:11:01

Sorry, physically as well. So person that's not physically to retain the marriage, marriage is how long for him.

00:11:05--> 00:11:07

So we should say it's how long you shouldn't get married.

00:11:09--> 00:11:10

Go ahead.

00:11:17--> 00:11:22

So it's hard to get married to anyone who does anything hard. I'm lucky none of us would be married.

00:11:24--> 00:11:25

But explain what you mean.

00:11:34--> 00:11:37

Also, as in he has a haram relationship, though to meet.

00:11:39--> 00:12:15

Allah Allah, Allah Allah. Okay, so let's look at how long cases how long cases so we have one which is clear that a man has four wives already, it is haram for him to get married to a fifth wife in that situation. Another case where it would be hard on is to marry an individual whom that Allah subhanaw taala has prohibited for you. So for example, Allah subhanaw taala prohibited marrying those women or the woman marrying those men that have been best breastfed by your parents or by your aunts. And by what I was gonna say uncles, that doesn't make sense. But you by your aunts, or you know, either your sisters, these type of people you're not allowed to get married to. And likewise,

00:12:15--> 00:12:52

the other woman and the other men that are not prohibited in the Koran. So your father's your brother's, you know, your your nieces and nephews, all these people, Allah subhanho wa Taala has prohibited marriage to then if you look at from a more specific case, is that marriage would have become hot on if you don't fulfill the criteria of marriage. So for example, a woman is getting married without her family that were that marriage would become hard on a person. And they don't have the verbal contract of marriage. So all of a sudden, a man and a wife gets together, and the woman is there. But they never said you know, I agree to marry you or anything of that fact. But

00:12:52--> 00:13:26

rather you just start living together. So even though they may think that they're married, and they're living as a husband and wife, but when that contractual verbal agreement did not take place, then this marriage would be something which is hard on. So these are all different aspects of one a marriage would be hard on and we looked at when marriage will become compulsory. And we said the de facto ruling is that it is Chanel or Mr. hub, then we're left with to marriage being completely permissible. And then marriage being mcru. Marriage being macro, and terms of marriage being macro. This happens in one of the cases where a brother mentioned, where a brother is not financially able

00:13:26--> 00:14:06

to get married, a brother is not financially able to get married. So he starts taking on loans, he starts taking upon debts to get married. This marriage would be something which is Makoto. Another example of a marriage which is makuu is that you're marrying someone that is Muslim, but it's not fulfilling the basic requirements of Islam. So someone who perhaps is struggling with their prayer, someone who is not always paying there's a cat, someone that's not always fasting, you notice about them, yet you still choose to marry them. This would be something which is highly disliked. This is something that would be highly disliked. Then you get to the last category, which is MOBA, which is

00:14:06--> 00:14:42

meaning that something which is inherently permissible, you're not rewarded for it, nor are you sinful, if you were to do it as well. And the case which is a which it is MOBA is for example, then the man that wants to take a second wife, the mother wants to take a second wife. According to Islam, this is something that is MOBA. It's not recommended, nor is it discouraged, but it is something which is permissible. So I want to share all of these scenarios with you so that you get a better idea of where you stand. You know, for someone that may be hard on for someone that may be fourth, we have all the spectrums of people, you know, inside of our community and you can judge

00:14:42--> 00:14:59

where you will fall into that situation within the atana. Now with that having been said, what should you look for inside of a spouse? What should you look for inside of a spouse, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he gives us very specific advice. He gives us very specific advice.

00:15:00--> 00:15:43

He says that a woman is married for four things. A woman is married for four things. Does anyone remember what those four things are? Go ahead Mashallah. First and go ahead. Hewerdine okay. Her beauty, her lineage and family and her wealth Excellent. So the Messenger of Allah Allah Hanyu Selim tells us that a woman is married for four reasons. Number one, her Deen number two, her wealth number three, her family and lineage. And number four, her beauty number four, her beauty and the Messenger of Allah sallallahu Sallam concludes this hadith by saying that who the one who marries for the sake of Deen will never be disappointed. The one who marries for the sake of the deen will

00:15:43--> 00:16:23

never be disappointed. Now in another Hadith, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam advises the woman side. And he says that if a man with good Deen and good characteristic come, then accept that proposal, because if you do not, then there will be pfitzner in the land, there will be fitna in the land. Now here the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he emphasizes, in both cases, the importance of having Dean the importance of having Dean now why is Dean so important? Why is Dean so important? Because for those of you who are married, you'll realize that marriage is a very sensitive relationship. It is very easy to abuse your rights and your power and

00:16:23--> 00:17:01

your authority. And if a person does not fear Allah subhanho wa Taala and it's not conscious of Allah subhanho wa Taala, then they may not have anything to prevent them from abusing that right and authority. And that is why the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he mentioned this. Number two is that from the objectives of marriage is the maintaining of the pain and maintaining of chastity and that of raising children with morals and with ethics. A person without a dean will not keep these things in mind. Because generally speaking, it is our faith and our religion that dictates our morals and ethics. And it is our religion that tells us to be chaste individuals. And

00:17:01--> 00:17:37

that is why we remain chaste. But when an individual is void of this Deen, they won't have anything to encourage that nor to discourage the opposite of that. And that is why the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam emphasized the concept of Deen now particularly the messenger Allah sallallahu Sallam goes on to add another thing and of that as well. And that is a good character that is a good character. And what this means is that a lot of the times when we look at the deen, we look at it from a very physical perspective. So how do you describe someone that has good Deen or Mashallah, the brother has a beard and he comes to the masjid five times a day, or a sister has a

00:17:37--> 00:18:11

hijab or she wears niqab and jilbab. You know, Mashallah, she must be a good sister. But you know, from reality from the reality of our communities is that a person can be doing these things. Yet, they are one of the most wicked and evil of individuals, because of the way that they are one they are in private, and the way that they are with their spouses. So the reality is, you need to look at a person's character as well, by character we need, this person should be gentle and easygoing, a person that needs to knows how to control their temper, a person that is generous with their wealth. And I'll mention this, particularly for our sisters who are listening and tuning in. The number one

00:18:11--> 00:18:49

characteristic from a psychological perspective that you would like your husband to have is for him to be generous, meaning that inshallah we'll get into this topic of, you know, discussions that you should have, you should see how your future spouse is with their wife, particularly the sisters, because women who marry men that are generous, they're happier in three ways, then women who are married to men who are stingy, or just average with the rough mean that they're not too generous with their, with their charity. So the first way that they are happier is that these men, they spend more women women, they spend more money on their women, they spend more money on their women, right?

00:18:49--> 00:19:22

Yeah, spend more money on them. So meaning that system wants to go shopping, and husband's like, Oh, well, you know, why do you need to buy a new dress? Why do you need to buy this? Why do you need to buy that the woman who the man who is you know, charitable and is generous, he doesn't ask that many questions. Number two, a person who is giving naturally will be more grateful as well because that is what causes the person to give is to express some sort of gratitude. So you this your husband will be more grateful beacon lights Allah And the third thing is that their life together their intimate life together from a psychological perspective, a woman is more happier when the man is

00:19:22--> 00:19:58

generous. A woman is more happier when the man is generous. So from a woman's perspective, this is the main characteristics you want to look at. Likewise, from woman's perspective, it is very important that she addresses and looks at how the man deals with anger how a man deals with anger, because we know that you know, Masha Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala he created the man as someone who was there to protect his family who was meant to go out and seek an income. So anger is there as a defense mechanism and it's something that is needed. But a lot of the times the anger is misused and misplaced so a person that doesn't know how to control their anger. He can be like, you know,

00:19:58--> 00:19:59

Mashallah. The best. Hi

00:20:00--> 00:20:16

Went, we know when he's outside, but as soon as he comes home, then all of a sudden things change. So that's the second, you know, character aspect that a woman will want to look at. From a man's aspect. What do you think is the most important characteristic in terms of luck that a woman should have anyone have an idea?

00:20:18--> 00:20:31

obey her husband, Allahu Akbar. I was waiting for that. But in fact, that is not the most important thing. That is not the most important. There are two characteristics that every man should look for in terms of her his wife as well. Go ahead.

00:20:33--> 00:20:35

That's another way of saying she has to obey Him.

00:20:39--> 00:20:40

Keep the secrets.

00:20:43--> 00:20:56

Okay, that is important. That is important. That is important, but not the two most important Go ahead. Sorry, hire as a Muslim that is very important. So that's not particularly just a marriage. But that's important just as a Muslim if that was a good guess.

00:20:58--> 00:21:12

That's not a part of a HELOC. We've already discussed Dean we've Yes, we submit Dean as important. We're talking about in terms of a HELOC. So for the men, we mentioned, that they should be generous, and that they should be able to control their anger. What type of characteristics should we look for inside the woman?

00:21:13--> 00:21:20

caring? That's more of like a motherly characteristic, but that's good as well. But that's not from the top to what psychologists mentioned.

00:21:23--> 00:21:29

Patience, yeah, a woman needs to be patient with her husband. Okay. No doubt. No doubt. That's good, but not particular enough.

00:21:38--> 00:22:04

Okay, that's good. I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. Because we can go into specifics here. So number one, is that the first characteristic you want to look inside of your wife? Is how grateful have a person issue? Meaning? How much does she appreciate things when things are done for her? Because the number one complaint that men will usually come with is that the wife does not appreciate everything that I do for I do, she does not appreciate everything that I do for her. The second thing a man will want to look at. Go ahead.

00:22:12--> 00:22:46

That's good. indirectly. That's what I'm looking for. That she should be someone that's respectful. She should be someone that is respectful. And how do you judge that? How do you judge that, particularly for a woman, it is very important to assess their relationship with their parents, their relationship with their parents, because their relationship with their parents will tell you a lot about how they will be with their spouses. And for those of you who attended the hotword. Today, it was about parents. And only bin Abdulaziz Rahim Allah, he mentioned something very interesting. He said, Be careful of who you befriend, be careful of who you befriend, because the individual,

00:22:47--> 00:23:18

I'll explain what he meant by that, he says look for the friend that looks after their parents. Because if you take a friend that does not look after him after their parents, then more than likely they will not look after you as well, more than likely they will not look after you as well. And this is very important when it comes to a sisters perspective, that you want to see how she deals with her mother how she deals with her father, he respectful or this you always talk back to them, because if she's talking about to her parents, more than likely she will talk back to you as well. And that's something you will want to avoid something that you will want to avoid. Now this leads us

00:23:18--> 00:23:37

into our discussion. What are important discussions you need to have with your spouse? So what are the utmost important questions? You should be asking when you finally meet this person that you want to marry? So let's who's going to start me off? What are things that you should discuss with your future spouse? Go ahead. Children, what about them?

00:23:39--> 00:23:41

Okay, would you like to have children? Excellent.

00:23:47--> 00:23:54

Okay, if they have hijab, do they pray? you've answered already? I'll come back to you later. Who else What are important things to discuss?

00:23:58--> 00:24:02

Discuss tarbiyah and the future. So what do you mean by future? Exactly?

00:24:11--> 00:24:13

Okay, excellent. What else should we discussed?

00:24:18--> 00:24:23

Excellent. So she wants to work or if she wants to stay at home. What else should we discussed?

00:24:24--> 00:24:32

So right, this means right now that within five minutes, you will know whether you want to marry your spouse or not. Because these questions won't take more than five minutes. Go ahead.

00:24:33--> 00:24:34

living arrangements explained.

00:24:38--> 00:24:45

Excellent. That is very important. Do they want to live with the inlaws or do they want to live by themselves? Someone give me one last one, go ahead.

00:24:49--> 00:24:59

Excellent, very important to know things that she likes and things that she don't doesn't like. So here are 10 important conversations that you should have. And in fact, when an individual is looking to get married, either

00:25:00--> 00:25:34

believe that they should have a minimum, a minimum of 10 meetings to discuss one of these topics each time. So it's thoroughly discussed so that you know that you're on the same page. Now, why is this so important? Because you'll notice that one of the reasons why men and women get a divorce is because they eventually realize, you know what, we're not compatible with one another. We are not compatible with another, we're completely different. You have different ambitions, I have different ambitions, I was raised differently, you're raised differently. So we just got married because there was a physical attraction. And once that physical attraction faded, then all of a sudden, we don't

00:25:34--> 00:26:09

know how to live with one another. So you want to assess that compatibility from the very getgo. So here are the 10 topics, and I'll explain them as we go along with the lights Allah. So the first thing you want to discuss with your spouse is the past, the first thing you want to discuss with your spouse is the past. What do we mean by the past? By the past? We mean, what were they like prior to today. So a lot of the times, particularly as Muslims, you know, we may have had a past, we may have done things that we aren't happy of, we may have a criminal record, we may have, you know, other things that we may have done. And it's very important to discuss those to find out what type

00:26:09--> 00:26:42

of person we're married. Now, over here, the objective isn't to expose a person sins, or to find out about the sins a person committed, but you want to find out what type of person they actually are, and what their story is, like, how did they get to the point that they are in their life right now. So for example, you will want to discuss you know, have you been married before, all of a sudden, you find out that this brother has been married. Also, this brother is married and has 10 children, and you will know about it, because you never bothered to bring it up, you assume that he was just single because he's looking to get married. So you want to discuss the past. The second thing you

00:26:42--> 00:27:19

want to discuss is the future. Meaning Where are you headed in your life? What are your ambitions in life? What is your quote unquote, bucket list? That the things that you have to check off in order before you pass away for you to be happy? So what are the things you would like to do in the future? Are you looking to go to Hajj? You know, are you looking to move out of the city? Are you looking to move to Muslim lands? What are you ambitious for in terms of the future, you want to discuss what the future is going to hold with lights on? Number three, you want to discuss the role of the dean in your family? You want to discuss the role of your dean in the family? Meaning that are you the

00:27:19--> 00:27:49

type of individual that when the dean says something you will listen to it? Or is it? Are you the type of the individual that when the dean says something, you'll question it and try to find a way out of it? You want to find out? Are they praying five times a day? You want to find out how recently are they practicing? You want to find out how they are with there's a cut how they are with their fasting, how they are with other elements of the deen particularly continuing and growing in their Dean, you know, what are their goals and objectives for that? Find out about hedge as well.

00:27:50--> 00:28:28

Number four, you will want to find out about wealth, you will want to find out about wealth, by wealth me we mean that? How are we going to, you know, incur? Get wealth into the family? Are you going to work? Am I going to work? What are we going to do with the money that we have? Are we going to invest it? Are we going to put it in the bank? What are we going to do. And another thing related to wealth over here is the sharing of expenses. Now from an Islamic perspective, it is the man's responsibility to take care of the woman's housing, to take care of her clothing and to take care of her food. It is a man's responsibility to do this. There's no way out of this. Now, if a woman

00:28:28--> 00:29:08

chooses to participate, and you know, you know, give and share in some of these expenses, that's perfectly fine. But that's something you want to discuss in advance. You know, you can't come into a marriage from a quote unquote, Western perspective, where we share everything meaning that we share in the expenses, we share in the rent, if she share if he wishes to do so that's perfectly fine. But a man should own up to his responsibility. And only after she agrees should she accepted or should he accepted. The fifth thing is that you should look at health, you want to discuss health. So for example, are there any major diseases in your family, perhaps something like diabetes, perhaps like

00:29:08--> 00:29:42

a heart condition, perhaps you know, a psychological disorder? All of these things you want to discuss? You'll also want to discuss that moving forward. How are we going to encourage one another to stay in shape? What are we going to do? Now? Are we going to actually I wouldn't say go to the gym together, but you know have like an activity where you know we work out together perhaps in the home or maybe play sports together or do something of that nature. Because physical activity is very important. Staying healthy is very important. So that's something you'll want to discuss. The next thing you look at, how many are we at right now? How many have we done six. So this is number seven,

00:29:42--> 00:30:00

then correct? Number is number six. Okay, number six, you will want to discuss education. You want to discuss education, and by education it means what are you going to do to continually grow and improve as an individual? What are you going to do to continue to grow and improve as an individual

00:30:00--> 00:30:35

So perhaps how much money are we going to spend a month in getting books? How many times will we go to the library in a month? You know, how many times will we register for free seminars? And in our classes, are we going to attend, you know, Islamic seminars, perhaps with a motherboard with Dell COVID. these sort of things you want to discuss is how is a person going to continue to develop and to grow? A person that says, you know, what, I don't think I'm interested in learning anymore. That's the type of person you want to avoid right away. Because a person that does not feel that they can grow and does not feel that they can develop is generally going to be very arrogant and

00:30:35--> 00:30:45

very condescending, because they feel that they've reached their Epitome and reached their Pinnacle. So you want to find someone that is continued in growing as well. Number seven now? Correct?

00:30:46--> 00:31:11

Seven or eight? Seven? Okay. Number seven, is that a family? Is that a family? And this is where the brothers concern comes in? That what role will family have in our life? What role would family have in our life? So for example, the in laws, you know, this is like, I'll tell you one of my jokes Now, what's the difference between outlaws and in laws? The outlaws are actually wanted.

00:31:13--> 00:31:45

You guys are terrible. The flowers are actually wanted wood that haven't been said, you want to discuss family, especially the role of the in laws? So number one, will we be living with our in laws? Is it going to be my in laws? Or is it going to be your in laws? If we're not living with them? What type of relationship Are we going to have with them? Are we going to visit them once a week, once a month? Once every eight? You know, once every two weeks? How are you going to deal with the in laws, you want to discuss that in advance? Because a man will come into perception that you know, Mashallah, my wife, she's going to be taking care of all of my mother's affairs, and the

00:31:45--> 00:32:19

website, What on earth are you talking about? We never agreed to that. So you want to discuss that in advance a bit in lights Allah, what is the relationship with the in laws? You also want to discuss over here, the role of children, the role of children? How many children would we like to have, the man wants to have 15 children, and the wife is like, you know what, I think one would be more than enough. So that sort of thing you want to discuss in advance, you want to discuss the role of upbringing, the children, you know, the man may have this perspective, he's going to be very traditional and back home, that you know, what, I'm only responsible for paying the bills, and you

00:32:19--> 00:32:50

are responsible for taking care of the children. So don't ever ask me to change a diaper. You know, that's your responsibility, not my responsibility. So in the middle of the night, the child is crying. And the wife said, you know, honey, wake up, go change the diaper. And he's like, in your dreams, you know, that sort of thing you want to discuss in advance as well with lights on. The next thing you want to discuss. The next thing you want to discuss is hobbies, and pastimes, hobbies and pastimes. And this goes into our brothers question over here that, you know, what are the things that they like to do? And what are the things that they don't like to do? So for example, an

00:32:50--> 00:33:27

individual, you know, the man, he has this hobby of building toy airplanes or something like that. And the wife's like, you know what my number one pet peeve is, I hate people who waste money on useless things. And then all of a sudden, you know, this is like a huge issue for them. So you want to see how they spend their pastime? You know, is the guy constantly playing video games? This is like a big, you know, epidemic in our time, that you'll find like 3040 year old men that are like addicted to playing video games. This is not an exaggeration. Like you'll see that. You know, starting in 2000 2001, they officially started making video games where you had to be 18 and over to

00:33:27--> 00:33:59

play them. You know, prior to that it was an unknown concept. Why would an 18 year old be playing video games, there's only like 910 11 1213 years old that we're playing video games. But that whole genre of video games, it's completely changed. Now, you know, certain video games are made for an adult audience. So you find an individual, you know, he's addicted to like Call of Duty that, you know, Friday comes home from work until Monday morning. All he's doing is like pay playing Call of Duty or playing like Assassin's Creed, or something like that. So that's something again, you want to discuss what is your husband's past? And what does he like to do with his spare time? Things that

00:33:59--> 00:34:19

you want to look for in spare time, is how much time are they spending with their friends. So particularly from a man's perspective, his friends at some times, maybe more important than his family. So at nighttime when it's time to socialize. Rather than spending time with his family, he starts focusing on spending time with his friends. So we want to discuss that as well within lightoller.

00:34:20--> 00:34:25

The next thing you want to discuss is actually sorry, before we get to that,

00:34:26--> 00:35:00

over here, you also want to discuss the things that annoy you the things that annoy you so hobbies and pastimes, and likewise things that annoy you. So for example, I was mentioned one case, where the most annoying thing to a woman was that she would marry a man that snores when he sleeps. She's like I will, you know, I can overlook everything, his stinginess, his anger, he's overweight, I'll overlook everything. But the one thing I can't overlook is the fact that he snores. So eventually the sisters get the sister gets married. And what do you think happens on the night of her marriage? She gets the shock

00:35:00--> 00:35:26

Her life. He's amazing in every aspect, except the fact that he snores. She couldn't overlook it. And literally not a week went by, except that she had to ask for cola for separation. Now, you may think this is like a trivial thing. But for the sister, it was a huge deal. She's like, I can be patient with everything, but for for some reason, I cannot be patient with this. So we want to look at what are the things that annoy your future spouse, you know, what sort of things are they looking for? What sort of things are they looking to avoid?

00:35:27--> 00:35:46

Then the last thing, the last thing, let me just check off my list, past future. health, wealth, obviously, finances repeated twice. So the so I guess, make pet peeves. Number nine. And then the last thing you discuss is career. The last thing you discuss is career.

00:35:48--> 00:36:20

In terms of the career, you want to discuss, again, over here, that same concept of who's going to be working, who is going to be earning after we have children? Am I expected to stay home and look after the children? Or am I still going to be allowed to work? If I'm working? What are we going to do with our children at that time? Will we get them a babysitter? Will we send them to daycare, how are we going to deal with this? Another important thing to look at in terms of career is in terms of ambition, that you want to marry someone that has ambition in their career, someone that wants to move forward, someone that's looking to move on to a better job, something that is self satisfying,

00:36:20--> 00:36:55

something that is beneficial, something that is profitable. Remember the things we discussed last week, those are the types of ambitions you want that individual to have, those are the types of things you want to discuss in terms of career. Now, those are the 10 most important topics that you should discuss. And I would advise that you discuss these things in a separate meeting. So in these 10, separate meetings, you're having these discussions, you're having these topics. And at the same time, you're getting to see this person, how they are in the natural state, you'll see that the first meeting, everyone likes to put up a front, we love to wear our desk, breast clothes, we'll put

00:36:55--> 00:37:28

on some nice Cologne, you know, get a fresh haircut, and then you go and Mashallah you look really nice and presentable. And you think that this is what your future spouse is going to look like all the time. And then you'll notice by buying the 10th meeting, this person is showing up in their pajamas, they haven't brushed their teeth or their hair. And that shows you the reality of the type of person you're going to end up marrying. And that's the person you have to be comfortable with. You can't be the comfortable only with the person that puts on appearance, but you have to be comfortable with the person that they actually are. And that is why we suggest those meetings and a

00:37:28--> 00:38:00

large number in 10, not only to have these discussions properly and thoroughly, but also to get a feeling of who this person actually is. Because sometimes a person's having an amazing day. They're very high in their spirits. Another time, they're having a terrible day. And they're very low interest rates. And then you figure out, you know, what's wrong with this person? You know, how did they just change and reality they were just having a bad day? So you want to give it about 10 discussions? before you make that decision? You know, how am I going to move forward with this? Or not? Am I going to move forward with this or not? Would that having been said I'll mention one last

00:38:00--> 00:38:37

point to discuss after you've discussed these 10. And after you've agreed to be the lighter they get married. And that is to have a reference point in your marriage. That is to have a reference point in your marriage. So for example, a dispute comes up, I'm taking my side, my wife is taking her side, and we're not seeing eye to eye on this issue. How are we going to resolve this dispute, we're going to need a third party to decide for us. Now you'll notice that when this point usually comes, people are already angry, and they're already butting heads, right? So a man will want to choose someone who's going to be favorable in his side, a woman's one to two want to choose someone who's

00:38:37--> 00:39:14

favorable on her site. So you discuss this in advance that you know, we will speak to him or shift X, Y and Z and he will help us solve this problem. Always be the committee member XY and Z and they will help us solve this problem. And this is agreed upon in advance so that when that situation does arise, and it will arise because that is just the nature of marriage as you'll come to see next week with the lights Allah you will want you'll be ready for that situation by the lights of Allah. Now the next thing now that you've decided, you know, I am ready to marry this individual. What is the next step that you need to take the next step that you need to take? You want to go ahead and tell

00:39:14--> 00:39:53

us go ahead is decoder. Excellent. And this is where you're asking for guidance from Allah subhanho wa Taala. We're asking guidance from Allah subhanaw taala the companions or their loved one home, they mentioned that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam taught them to do I wish the camera just like he used to teach them the verses of the Quran. He taught them the Doha with the Hara, just like he taught them verses of the Koran. And there are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to the kata. And I mentioned that right now. That is the kata is a separate and unique prayer. So it will not be a fourth production break. It is not a sooner or knuffel prayer that you're sorry,

00:39:53--> 00:40:00

it's not as soon a prayer that you're afraid. But in fact it is a novel prayer that is not affiliated with any other act. So it's not affiliated

00:40:00--> 00:40:36

With coming into the mustard, it's not affiliated with any of the players, but it is to rock guys which are by themselves that you will pray. Then at the end of the tour because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that you should make the following dua, you should make the following dua and they do have his dakara as a doctor that you can find in western Muslim, you'll find it in the major collections of Hadith. You can find it on the internet, you'll find it in many places. So you want to learn that do have istikhara. Now in my personal opinion, the do have istikhara is said inside of the Salah. It is said inside of the Salah, before an individual Sister

00:40:36--> 00:41:14

nnamani cuando la Santa Monica Rahmatullah. That is when they make the dua of istikhara. If you're unable to do it at that time, then you can carry a paper with you and you can read it after the Salah is over. It is permissible to do so. But it is better for you to do it before the Salaam because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that at the end of every Salah is a do I was answered, and that do is before the Salaam and not after the Salah. Would that having been said, Did you have istikhara? When is it made? Is it made after you've made your decision, or while you're making your decision? So by show of hands, I want you to show me how many people think it

00:41:14--> 00:41:17

should be done while you're making your decision. Raise your hands.

00:41:19--> 00:41:28

Excellent. Put your hands down, how many people think it should be done after you have made your decision? Raise your hands. So it's like a 5050 split interesting.

00:41:29--> 00:42:03

And my opinion, and Allah knows best it should be done after you have made your decision. It should be done after you have made your decision. Why? Because if you look at the wording of istikhara, you're clearly asking Allah subhanho wa Taala Oh Allah, if this affair is better for me than facilitated for me, meaning that you have made your decision already. So you've made your decision. And then you should make istikhara now that you have made this decoder, what is going to happen is an angel going to come and tell you this is what you should do? Are you going to see a dream The Messenger of Allah sallallahu Sallam comes, and he says you should marry this person. A lot of the

00:42:03--> 00:42:34

times, these are the things that people hope for and wish for. But this is not the reality of istikhara. This is not the reality, Mr. Carter, there's not necessarily a dream, nothing, you know, significant is going to happen. You know, person thinks that while I'm making us the car, if the lights turn off, it means I shouldn't go ahead with that thing. these sort of things you can't believe it has nothing to do with your istikhara. clearly what is happening with your istikhara is if things are made easy, then you should go ahead with it. And if things are made extremely difficult, then that is something you should look at and assess that perhaps this is not the best

00:42:34--> 00:43:16

thing for you, perhaps this is not the best thing for you. Now, the last point before you get into the integris of the marriage contract is the opposite of St. Augustine era. And that is what we call is the shadow is the shadow is seeking the counsel of the people seeking the counsel of the people. So you want to speak to three categories of people, you want to speak to three categories of people about your future spouse, before you agreed to marry. Category number one is her family and speak to as many of her family members as you can. So you want to speak to her siblings, you don't want to speak to her parents, you want to speak to her nieces and nephews or aunts and uncles, anyone that

00:43:16--> 00:43:51

knows her. You want to speak about your future spouse, get to know what they are like how are they with the family? How are they in terms of their Deen? How are they in terms of you know, dealing with different and various situations. The second category of people you want to speak to is the Friends of this individual be friends of this individual. So you want to contact your Close and intimate friends and ask them you know, what type of friend are they? Do they take you out for lunch or dinner frequently? Do they treat you to things when you have you know a need or they they're in their you're in your time of need. These are the types of things you want to discuss with the

00:43:51--> 00:43:52

friends.

00:43:53--> 00:44:30

The last type of the last category of people we want to discuss things with is this person's colleagues. So if this person is still in school, fellow students, if this person is at work, the poor, the people that he or she works with, and find out how is this person at work? Do they show up on time? Are they respectful of deadlines? Do they you know, respect to the boss? How do they deal in terms of problems at work, you want to speak to the world colleagues and fellow people about these sorts of things. So these are the three types of people that you'll want to contact related to this. Now that it's very common that people are getting divorced, and they're going to get

00:44:30--> 00:44:57

remarried. The question arises, can I contact my spouse's ex spouse? Yes or no? So how many people think that you should contact your person's ex spouse? anyone say agree that you should contact your future spouses ex spouse, only two people three people. So everyone else is usually not contact the most why would you not want to know the reality of why they got divorced and separated

00:44:58--> 00:44:59

so want to hear some responses.

00:45:00--> 00:45:00

This

00:45:04--> 00:45:13

ad more than likely will be it more than likely will be. But the reality is, don't you want to know the reality? Would you not like to be interested in knowing?

00:45:14--> 00:45:17

So then how will you find that out if you don't contact the expose?

00:45:25--> 00:45:58

Yeah, they will be different. But you still want to know, maybe this person tells you that you know what this person used to beat me up. And it's funny, you think it's honestly, you think this is a joke that we talked about domestic violence being from the man side, but I know so many cases where it is the man that is being beaten up by the woman, you know, the she'll take the point, as she starts whipping them at him, right? You have those cases. So these are things that you want to look into. And it's something I highly encourage that if you are going to get married to someone who has been divorced, take the due diligence of speaking to their ex spouse, now more than likely, it will

00:45:58--> 00:46:32

be negative feedback. So take what they say, with a grain of salt, take it with a grain of salt, but you should still know and want to know what this person has to say about their ex spouse. And you know, in a lot of cases, you will also come to see that the ex spouse actually has good things to say about their spouse know that they were very easygoing, very nice, but we just weren't compatible, you'll find this a lot of the times, it's not always negative. But so you should contact the ex spouse and find out what happens. Now that having been said istikhara is the shadow. It is said by our predecessors, that the one that made it the heart of he will never feel any regret. And

00:46:32--> 00:47:14

the one that made is the shadow he will never be disappointed. So the one that made us the harder he will never feel any regret, and the one that made us the shadow, he will never be disappointed, he will never be disappointed. So now, the couple has agreed to get married. This in Islam is known as the engagement. This in Islam is known as the engagement, where it is a verbal contract, that eventually sometime in the future, we will get engaged sometime in the future, we will get engaged. Now a lot of the times what happens in this engagement are several things and we'll discuss them upfront. Number one, they'll have something called the facts he has something called the facts and

00:47:14--> 00:47:51

where the man will come he will recite facts, or the families will recite Fatiha together. And this is something that is actually not from Islam. While the objective is good that you want to seek the bar club, the quarter and the bulk of sola Fatiha. It is not something that was actually legislated by the province of Saddam or his companions. So there's no concept of Fatiha. The second thing you want to look at over here is that once a person gets engaged, the you are no longer allowed to entertain other proposals, you no longer allowed to entertain other proposals. So prior to the engagement, you can entertain as many proposals as you'd like, you're not restricted to one person

00:47:51--> 00:48:26

at a time, you can entertain as many proposals that you as you'd like. But once a person has become engaged, particularly for the sisters, she's not allowed to entertain any any of the proposals. And this is why the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, net, let's not one brother, you know, proposed over the proposed over the engagement of another brother. So another brother can't come and say, you know, to this woman that you know, what? Did your fiance marry me, I have more money and better looking, I have a better job, etc, etc, etc. islamically that is not allowed. So that is in terms of accepting different proposals. The third and last thing we'll talk about is in

00:48:26--> 00:49:00

terms of the engagement drink, in terms of the engagement drink, is that something which is actually allowed, you'll notice that in the engagement drink, it's not a black and white issue. It's not a black and white issue. And I'll explain what I mean by that, that in certain cultures, what they will do is they'll take the engagement drink, and they'll write the names of the spouse on the inside of the rink. And you ask them, Why do they do it. And they will say that we're doing this in hopes that the rings will keep the ties, you know, strong together a ring that is accompanied with this sort of belief, whether you call it an engagement ring or a measuring or anything else

00:49:00--> 00:49:10

islamically is not allowed islamically is not allowed. However, if it is to show that this person is now engaged, if it is to show that you know,

00:49:11--> 00:49:45

that this person is spoken for, then some of the scholars have allowed it, some of the scholars have allowed it. But what they specify over here is that it doesn't necessarily always needs to be on the same finger all the time. So you notice that in one Western culture, I always confuse the right and the left, but as the right hand for the engagement and left hand for marriage, okay, that's the way it is. Right? So the right hand is for engagement. Left hand is for marriage. From an Islamic perspective. It doesn't need to be like that word on either hand word on any finger you like. It's just to show that this person is now spoken for. And that is what the point of the ring is. So some

00:49:45--> 00:50:00

of the scholars have allowed it and you know, Allah knows best. If a person does choose to wear an engagement ring. I don't believe it is that big of a deal. Now, with that, having been said, the etiquettes the things that you want to follow that you know

00:50:00--> 00:50:22

A lot of the times brothers are very zealous to get married, and they don't know how to go and propose to a sister. They don't follow the proper etiquettes. So for example, a man is interested in a woman, and he just randomly shows up at his at the girl's house. And he says, Sally, come Uncle, you know, I'm interested in marrying your daughter. And then because who the hell would you

00:50:23--> 00:50:27

know, so those sort of things, you want to avoid those sort of things you want to avoid?

00:50:28--> 00:51:02

I know so many stories like this, finally, can you imagine, you know, this actually happen to a friend of mine, he went in, he proposed that he set up a proper meeting, he's going to propose, and he shows up in like track pants and like a basketball jersey. And he's like, what were you expecting him to say, you know, we're expecting them to say yes, please marry my daughter, it doesn't work like that. So when you do a good role, go to propose to a sister. These are some etiquettes. To keep in mind. Number one, try to go through a good referral, try to go through a good referral. So try to go through the Imam of the masjid. Try to go through one of their relatives, and have them set up

00:51:02--> 00:51:43

the meeting and have them recommend you. Number two, is that when you're going always, always go with a gift. Never ever show up empty handed. Something as simple as chocolates, something as simple as flowers, something as simple as maybe an ornament for the house, always go with some sort of gift. Number three, is that always dress your best, you know better than it's eight. Imagine that, you know, you want some sort of ridiculous crazy prize that you're going to accept. That's the way you want to dress. And I'll tell you why. As human beings, we're extremely judgmental, we judge everything. And particularly within the first four seconds of looking at an individual, you will

00:51:43--> 00:52:18

make a subconscious decision. Do I want to listen to this person? Or am I being turned off? Do you want to listen to this person? Or am I being turned off? And that is why if you look at TV, why is it very important that an individual have a very pleasant voice and do not have an accent, because it is usually an individual that has an accent. And that doesn't look nice, the people will decide, you know what I don't want to listen to this individual. And that is why even people who present the news now they have to have a very pleasant voice. And they have to have some sort of, you know, physical appeal, because if they don't have it, people aren't going to continue to tune in, because

00:52:18--> 00:52:54

that's just how we are as human beings. So you want to make sure that you look your nicest as well be lightoller. The last thing having been said, is the importance of positive body language, the importance of body language. So for example, you can have had a terrible day at work, make sure you resolve those issues before you show up to the sister's house. Because if you're someone that's slouching, or if you're someone that looks angry, is going to turn the people off. So you want to make someone who has a high level of energy, someone that is focused, someone that is paying attention, and someone that is tuned in to what is happening. So you want to have positive body

00:52:54--> 00:53:33

language within the heat Tada. So that is when you go to propose. Now the last thing that we'll discuss within the heat Allah before we pray selectively Sha is the integrals of a marriage contract. Meaning that what are the things that are needed, in order for a marriage contract to be valid. Now there's a lot of stuff in this issue amongst the mothership. What I'm going to give you is my conclusion on these matters, what I'm going to give you is my conclusion on these matters. So in order for a marriage contract to be valid, three things have to take place, three things have to be present. Number one, you have to have a bride and the groom, you have to have a bride and the

00:53:33--> 00:54:10

groom, and this is a valid bride and groom. So remember before we were talking about things that make a marriage, how long so you have to make sure that the bride and the groom are actually valid for one another. The second thing that you want to look at over here is the presence of the Wali, the presence of the wedding. And this is the girls representative, the girls representative. Now it's important to understand the situation because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam gave a very explicit statement. He said la Nika liability, that there is no marriage, except with the presence of a body. Now the defector will leave for a woman will be her father, and her

00:54:10--> 00:54:53

father has passed away, or you know he has disappeared, then it will be her brother than her brother. And if they're not her brother, then it will be her closest male relative, from the Father side, the closest male relative from the father's side. So it can be an uncle, it can be the grandfather, the closest male relative from the Father side, he is the one who will be willing because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam told us that the wilaya will always be from the Father side. So the girls, maternal uncle and maternal, you know, relatives, male relatives, they cannot be Willy, but rather it will be from the Father site. Now in the situation

00:54:53--> 00:54:59

that there is no money, then it will be if you're in the Muslim country, it will be the kadhi or the hacking or the Sultan.

00:55:00--> 00:55:38

If you're in a non Muslim country, you'll want to get the local Imam or the local shift, as you will need to do this marriage, because it is an integral part of the marriage. And then the third and last component, that without it, the marriage is not valid is the acceptance and the statements, the Accept offer and acceptance. So here's the one he will say, I marry you, my daughter or I marry you, such and such sister are based upon the Quran and the Sunnah. Do you accept? And then the answer over here is obviously Yes, if you accept or no, if you don't accept, that's up to you to decide that night, Allah, I'm assuming you got that for you want to say yes, but he this needs to be done.

00:55:38--> 00:56:17

So that offer and acceptance needs to be done without an offer and acceptance, the marriage will not be valid. So those are the three integrals of the marriage mean that without these three things, without any of these three things, the marriage will not be valid, and it will be something which is impermissible, then you move to the next level, which is they're not integrity of the marriage, but what we call YG. But what we call what you bet, and my word you bet, we mean that a person does not do these things, they are sinful. However, if they are absent, then the marriage is still valid. So if a person does not have them, they are sinful, but the marriage is still valid. And these are two

00:56:17--> 00:57:00

things. These are two things. Number one, a specific method or dowry, a specific method, or dowry. And in talking about the dowry, this is something important to understand the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he tells us that the best of marriages are those that have the least financial burden, the best marriages, or those that have the least financial burden. And this encompasses not only the celebration of the marriage, but this encompasses the dowry as well, this encompasses the dowry as well. Now, in terms of understanding the dowry, what you need to understand is, you want to give a dowry that is customary for a woman of her status. So whatever the common

00:57:00--> 00:57:35

going trend is a woman of her status, that is what what you want to give. So this should not be excessive in the sense that, you know, you're giving her a million dollars, and you're only earning like $30,000, you end up paying your whole life is going to end up going and paying that dowry, and at the same time, you'll see that brothers, they try pulling the sly one, they're like the last one, we gave an iron rig, some of the companions, they got married on the soda from the Koran. So I will memorize you know Surah Fatiha for you. And that's going to be my dowry for you. That should not be the case either. A man should not be stingy with his dowry, but rather he should give something

00:57:36--> 00:58:14

honorable and respectable as a gift to his wife. And this is just to show that there is this love and concern. And within it Allah, this is the foundation upon which it will grow. So the sisters should not be excessively greedy, nor should the brothers be excessively stingy. But you want to find that middle ground that you discuss, and the second of the YG. But is the importance of having witnesses, the importance of having witnesses. So if you don't have witnesses to the contract, the contract is still valid. However, the people will be sinful for not having it. With that having been said, a question usually arises, do I have to announce that I have gotten married? And the answer to

00:58:14--> 00:58:52

this is yes. Because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he told him that a man had been out of our name, one, I will be sure many that have a public celebration, even if it is just by sacrificing one sheep. And this is should know for two reasons one, so that people don't propose to this individual. And number two, that if people see you walking this individual, they know that you're not doing anything wrong, that this person is your spouse. So these marriages, they should be made public that people should know that this individual got married. Now, the last question is, are we allowed to stipulate conditions and marriage contracts? Are we allowed to stipulate conditions in

00:58:52--> 00:59:07

a marriage contract? And I'll tell you the number one condition that is stipulated a woman will want to stipulate that if I marry this man, he's not allowed to marry another wife. So by show of hands, how many people believe this condition is a valid condition?

00:59:09--> 00:59:49

Okay, how many people believe it is invalid raise their hands, the majority love Aqua. And reality there's a laugh amongst the mothership. And my take on this is that if you look at conditions in general, in Islam, there's one major rule when it comes to conditions, and that is that it shouldn't go against the objective of the contract. It shouldn't go against the objective of the contract. So for example, if a woman was to stipulate that I will marry this man on the condition that we never ever sleep in the same bed, this type of condition, we will say it is haram by consensus, because it goes against the objective of his marriage in Islam, that you procreate and you fulfill your desire

00:59:49--> 00:59:59

in a halal way. So we will say that this, you know, condition is coming that is completely haram by consensus, but something like this where a woman will stipulate that I do not want my husband to marry

01:00:00--> 01:00:37

Another woman after this, I believe that this condition, it would be permissible, because it's not going against the objectives of the contract window itself, a man can choose to accept it, he can choose to negotiate, or you can choose to reject it. But this is something that should be discussed in advanced, that what I want to discuss as the last issue is facing difficulty while getting married, facing difficulty while getting married. So I mentioned my story of the very first time I proposed to a sister, I was 20 years old. In reality, I did not end up getting married until five years later, until five years later. And people think that, you know, as soon as I want to get

01:00:37--> 01:01:07

married, I'll get married in a jiffy, that you know, blink and close my eyes, and she's gonna be there, or he's gonna be there right in front of me. And in reality, that doesn't happen. Today, you learned the importance of having these discussions, and you'll see that having 10 meetings is not something that'll happen in the week, it won't happen in the month, it really even take a couple of months, then you have to get ready for that marriage, it can take another year or so to get ready for that marriage. So marriage is not something that is going to happen overnight. And it is something that you have to get prepared for. And I want to address both parties over here, starting

01:01:07--> 01:01:38

off with our brothers, that just because you may be physically ready for marriage, it doesn't mean that you're mature enough to get married yet. And that's something I learned with my very first proposal now that I think about it, that a brother that is willing to propose to a sister that he knows nothing about, except that she knows how to answer questions in Islam, what type of you know, failed marriages he's trying to get into, but that maturity was lacking, right. That's something I didn't know at that time, I thought I was mature enough. But time taught me that that wasn't the case. So you want to make sure that you're mature enough, you want to make sure that you're willing

01:01:38--> 01:02:09

to accept responsibility, you want to make sure that you at least have a minimal amount of education. And our times, I would say that do not even consider marriage up until you have a good portion of your university over you finish at two or three years. And then only at that time, consider getting married, and then get engaged perhaps in your third or fourth year, and then get married right after university is over or get engaged in your third year, get married in the fourth year, you know, these sort of things you have to keep in mind that shows a level of maturity. Likewise, in terms of a job, you know, just because, you know, Mashallah you may come from a wealthy

01:02:09--> 01:02:31

family, or that you may have a car, or you may be able to, you know, eat out once doesn't mean you're financially ready yet, my brothers, you have to make sure that you are able to retain a job, at least for a year, try to retain a job for a year and have you know, save up some money and show that you can save up some money, this will show you that you are mature enough and responsible enough to be able to get married to be in the lightoller.

01:02:32--> 01:02:40

From your sister's perspective, you know, in our day and age, the dynamics of marriage have completely changed. And that marriage is not something that

01:02:41--> 01:03:16

you know, people are planning out. So a lot of the times a sister may think you know what, I'm going to go to university, I want to do my Masters, I want to do my PhD, I want to be working for about three or four years, have about 50 grand saved up, and then I'll be ready for marriage. How would you think this history is now at the very least you're looking at 32 to 35 years old, a sister reaches that age, and it becomes very difficult to get married, it becomes very difficult to get married. Because the reality of the situation is that every man will want a woman that is younger than him. She wants that woman that is young. And still it is not to say that they get unattractive

01:03:16--> 01:03:52

at that age, but a woman that is attractive to his level of attraction, right? So a woman she wants to start preparing for marriage in advance as well. So don't think that you know, I will start preparing for marriage. Once I'm doing my masters and my PhD No, I would say start preparing for marriage. While you're in university, start preparing for it at that time, and get married shortly thereafter. And find a husband who is supportive of your dreams and your aspirations. Someone who will be supportive of you know you're getting a Master's or PhD, or getting a job or whatever else you want to do, but do not delay marriage to an excessive degree. Now, here's an interesting tidbit.

01:03:52--> 01:04:37

What is the ideal age combination between a man and a woman, the ideal age combination between a man and a woman, the ideal age combination is that you take half the man's age, and you add seven to it. So you take half the man's age and add seven to it. from a psychological perspective, this is the ideal case scenario, or where they will be compatible, where they will have a level of, you know, getting along and being functioning. So for example, a man is let's just say we'll do an easy number. He's 26 years old. So what is half of that? What do you get? 13? You add seven to that? What do you get 20 21st 20. She's 20 years.

01:04:38--> 01:05:00

So so so the ideal combination, someone who's 26 you'll want to look for a spouse that is 20. Now it's not to say that any other woman will not be compatible. When we're talking about ideal compatibility will be with a separation. You take someone who's let's just say 20 years old, right? So 20 half of that is 10. You add seven to that 17. So a person who's 20 the ideal age combination

01:05:00--> 01:05:43

We'll be someone who's 17 years old. Now, this, you know, it makes a marriage interesting. The man retains that level of what we will call domination, authority, not superiority, because that's not what it is. But the leadership role in the house now sees that's how he manages to retain that. Now, in terms of difficulty of getting married, what can a person do? The first thing is that people who are having difficulty getting married need to discuss this problem, they can just hide it alone. I'll tell you a situation of an auntie that came and spoke to me. She says betta You know, my I'm having trouble finding a spouse for my daughter, can you please help me out? But by the way, don't

01:05:43--> 01:06:15

tell anyone about it. And in my mind, I'm like, What on earth? Are you saying, You want me to help you find a spouse, but you don't want me to tell anyone that you're looking for a spouse. Like it says a contradiction. So that's what I want to mention that you want to you know, be public about it. Look, marriage is something natural marriage is something that you're proud of. In Islam. This is how our communities grow. This is how we retain our chastity. This is how we raise children. This is a pillar of our society and community. So be open about it. You know, if you're having difficulty getting married, let the people know that look, I'm looking to get married. If anyone has any

01:06:15--> 01:06:54

options available, please help me out. Number two, is using the resources that you have available to you. So you can speak to your local Imam, speak to your family and friends. And most importantly, as time is getting along, you have to be open to the use of technology, you have to be open to the use of technology. So using the Internet, and using the internet, you have to be very careful, but be open to it at the same time. So I want to mention two particular websites that I believe are trustworthy and are reliable in terms of getting married. Number one is pure matrimony.com, pure matrimony.com. The interesting thing about this website is that it is designed for practicing

01:06:54--> 01:07:26

Muslims. So you will the very first question they ask as soon as you get to the website, do you pray five times a day? If you say yes, you get to go on to the website. If you say no, it takes you to google.com because we're not interested in those types of people. So it's more practicing people. So that's a very good website to use Midnight's Allah number two, I think there's actually a third option now, you know, will you start praying five times a day, then they still let you in as well. I think they realize people you know, a lot of people struggle with their prayer. The second website, the second website, this is a website of a close friend of mine, Baba Ali, what was the website, I

01:07:26--> 01:07:28

don't know, I need to seek your father's permission before I can tell you.

01:07:30--> 01:08:08

Your dad's like put it away, put it away. The second website is half our Dean comm half hour dean.com This is a website by my close friend Baba Ali, and I've seen him develop this website and in terms of the way the website is maintained, and you know, it helps match up people I do not know of any program like this. So it actually has like a personality test that you have to do after you both do that for similar personality tests. It tells you how likely you are to be compatible within the with one another. The questionnaires it has in terms of you know, helping you find out about who the other person is, are impeccable, Mashallah, and again, a lot of money goes into developing the

01:08:08--> 01:08:41

website. So it's not just about you know, they put up the picture of the girl and are you attracted or not, you know, get married type thing, but actually a lot of thought is put up into the website itself. So those are the two websites I would suggest looking at, as well. And then the third and last thing and I believe this is like the one of the most important things that people forget is the religious aspect of it is that you're taking the means you're taking the ASVAB but don't forget about your tawakkol and Allah subhanaw taala and this necessitates that you will be making this necessitates that you will be waking up in the middle of the night and praying to Allah subhanho wa

01:08:41--> 01:09:19

Taala. And also and very importantly, this means that if you want a lot to get you married, you will help one of his servants and slaves get married. Because the Messenger of Allah says something, what does he tell us? He tells us, Allahu fionna de Maya coonan Abdul fionn Yaki, that Allah subhanho wa Taala will be in the aid of his slave, as long as the slave is in the aid of his brother. So you'll notice that whatever you want from Allah subhana wa tada always provided for other people. And Allah subhanho wa Taala will provide it for you. So if you know someone struggling to get married, be very enthusiastic and be very encouraging and helpful and getting them married. And with the lights

01:09:19--> 01:09:30

Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala will make it easy for you as well. And Allah subhanaw taala knows best. With that we'll open up the floor for q&a, and then we'll go pray Salah, so we'll take the first five questions. Go ahead.

01:09:32--> 01:09:33

Yes,

01:09:42--> 01:10:00

yes, that is what I'm saying. So when the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and I'm glad you asked this question, when the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says that the first glance is for you. And the second glance, is for shaytaan is when a man looks at a woman with the intention of other than marriage. So when you look at a woman and you have the intention to get married, you can

01:10:00--> 01:10:26

Look at her up until the degree that you're ready to make a decision. But after that, then you should stop looking at her. So in your, in your discussions, you can look at her, you can discuss things with her, it's perfectly fine. The only thing Islam would stipulate is that those meetings do not take place in privacy, so that a third party should be there. And it's encouraged that it's in a public place, as well. So yeah, you can look at your future person that you're interested in as much as you like, and it's not a problem. inshallah makes sense. Excellent. Go ahead.

01:10:33--> 01:10:34

Yes.

01:10:40--> 01:11:16

opinion on this. Yes. So, the Hanafi mother, this whole different opinion, they said that a woman is allowed to marry herself without the Wali. And this is based upon the said that if you look at contracts in Islam, in general, a woman can partake in every other contract, without, without a will, if she can rent something, she can buy something, she can sell something. So why is it that when it comes to marriage, that she would need a woody? So they're making clear over here, right? They're using ontological deduction, saying that this is the foundation that she can get used to all sorts of agreements. So in marriage, it's just recommended for her to have for her to have a family.

01:11:16--> 01:11:29

And it's not an integral of the marriage, whereas the majority argued that no, that is not the case, the messenger will allow them to partake in all these other contracts. But particularly for marriage, he specified that they have to have only and this is why I sided with that opinion.

01:11:40--> 01:11:50

Along those best, that's the main one that I remember right now, but I'm sure they have other proof. I just don't remember it. Like obviously, it is a recognized method, beneficial method. I'm sure they have proof. I just don't remember it right now.

01:11:52--> 01:11:53

Yes.

01:11:56--> 01:12:16

Excellent. Good question. So if a woman is previously divorced, she still needed money. The scholars differ on this issue. So from my understanding, the majority went that a woman at that time can represent herself. But the safer opinion is that we would still say it is highly encouraged for her to have a woody in that situation, it's still highly encouraged to do so. Allah knows best. Go ahead. So let's say that

01:12:18--> 01:12:24

a man wants to get married to a woman, but the family doesn't want.

01:12:29--> 01:13:02

So whose family the guy standing or the girl's family. So the girl's family is non Muslim, and the girl is Muslim, or she's not Muslim. She's converted. Excellent. So in such a situation, the woman makes her own decision over here. So she her father will not be your representative. Because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu Sallam tells us that they will he has to be a Muslim, he can't be a non Muslim. So as long as the woman is ready to get married, she would have to find an alternative Willie, which would either be if you see the Muslim country, the body, the Hakan, or the Sultan, or in the non Muslim country, or local Imam or her local shift. So as long as you know, they feel like

01:13:02--> 01:13:08

they're compatible, then the moment the ship can do that wedding, it's not a problem. But nighttime, Allah knows best. Go ahead.

01:13:15--> 01:13:17

Right? Right.

01:13:23--> 01:13:23

Right.

01:13:25--> 01:13:58

Excellent. So over here, what we want to look at number one, is why is the Wali saying no to this marriage? Why is he saying no to this marriage? Is that what he's saying? You know, I don't like his nose, his nose is too big. That's why I can't let you marry him? Or is he actually saying, Look, I don't think he's financially stable. I don't think he hangs around with good people. And I don't ever see him in the mustard. You know, these sort of things, you want to discuss why the world is saying no. And in such a situation, I believe that even if the when he says no, the man and the woman should never take the decision in their own hands, but they should get a third party involved

01:13:58--> 01:14:30

from the family or from the local Imam and the shift. Because to go straight to court and to get a marriage license islamically that will not be recognized, because that's not Annika, that is a legal marriage. So Islam wouldn't recognize that. However, when the sweeter the moment they shake, and they say, you know what, let's go speak to the Father and see why the father is saying it. You know, if the father says, I don't want you marrying this man, because he prays five times a day, he's too religious for us, that sort of thing. The man will intervene and say, Look, this is being ridiculous, and I will perform the marriage for you anyways. So that will be up to the amount of the

01:14:30--> 01:14:45

shift to decide. But in terms of the grown the guy taking the decision in their own hands, we would never suggest that and we would always suggest speaking to the man that is responsible and will contact the family and speak and you know, find out what the reality of the situation is. So they should never take the situation in their own hands. Go ahead.

01:14:51--> 01:14:52

Yeah, in Islam, a man is a

01:14:56--> 01:14:59

no a woman is only allowed. A woman is only allowed one

01:15:00--> 01:15:31

A woman is only allowed one and that is because I mean, when you get older, you'll figure that out inshallah, but from Islamic perspective, our mind is allowed for and a woman was only allowed one. But this is an important thing to keep in mind, the legal aspect of it. So there's an Islamic perspective. And then there's the legal aspect. From an Islamic perspective, a man can have four wives, it's permissible from a legal perspective in the place that Canada is not legal to do something like that. And that's why at the ISC, if a person comes, we don't do the second marriages for them, you know, we have to go and find another alternative, because it's not something that is

01:15:31--> 01:15:43

legal to do. So while maybe islamically correct, it is not something with legal, so we will not officially, you know, condone something like that. And Allah knows best. That's number four, we have the last question.

01:15:47--> 01:15:52

Fair, we'll make an exception. We'll do seven or seven tonight. So these three and that's it. Go ahead.

01:15:57--> 01:16:01

Yes, we've conditioned with conditions.

01:16:05--> 01:16:07

Equally, yes.

01:16:10--> 01:16:10

Right.

01:16:13--> 01:16:14

Go back to

01:16:17--> 01:16:20

marriage. Right, one woman right.

01:16:29--> 01:16:30

To marry?

01:16:31--> 01:16:32

Very.

01:16:36--> 01:16:45

I mean, there are exceptions to the rule. There are exceptions to every rule. But I agree with what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying. Is that look at who is next? Go ahead. Sure.

01:16:57--> 01:16:59

dinakar would be valid, it

01:17:00--> 01:17:10

would be valid, what I encourage you waiting like that, never ever in my life, because they come from two different cultures, the compatibility factor just based upon that fact, will be very, very low.

01:17:17--> 01:17:17

Okay.

01:17:22--> 01:17:54

I mean, it is permissible, it's not it's not going to be impermissible. But the fact is, it's just the issue of you're stepping into a marriage, that's going to be extremely difficult. Because one thing since you're already in Canada, can you guarantee that you'll be able to bring her here? Not necessarily, especially with the new immigration laws that are coming in Canada, it's very, very unlikely that you'll be able to bring a spouse over from overseas, especially if she's coming from a Muslim background. And Allah knows best. So something that a person should thoroughly study before they do it, but from an Islamic perspective, then it would be valid, it wouldn't be a problem. Last

01:17:54--> 01:17:54

question.

01:18:01--> 01:18:01

10.

01:18:12--> 01:18:14

Why would it not be permitted? Like I'm not understanding?

01:18:18--> 01:18:20

We would like to have, yeah.

01:18:22--> 01:18:27

But why would I Why would it not be permissible? Like, why do you think it would not be?

01:18:32--> 01:19:01

Obviously, I mean, the ultimate decision is allies, but the conversation is not how many children will we have? as how many children would we like to have? Right? There's a difference. So the first one is, I will have eight children. This is what's going to happen. How many children I would like to have is if Allah blesses me with 10 children, you know, I would be happy with that. So that's the difference between the two. So one is you said as a factual statement, the other one is said as a wish, the factual statement is not allowed and no, which is definitely allowed. Make sense?

01:19:05--> 01:19:06

Is that

01:19:11--> 01:19:18

major? Okay, so contraception in Islam, contraception, and that's leading into my next topic, which is what are we going to discuss next week?

01:19:20--> 01:19:54

So I'll answer that inshallah next week nights on next week with ni tala Witter. We deal with intimacy in Islam, which deals with contraception and one of the things that are allowed one of the things that are not allowed, and most importantly, we deal and discuss with differences between the genders. So now that you are compatible, does that mean that you're never going to have any problems in your marriage? The answer is no, you're guaranteed going to have problems. What we're going to look at next week with Knight's Allah is why are those problems going to arise? wireless problems going to arise? So within it, we'll look at you know, why is it so important for a woman to express

01:19:54--> 01:19:59

herself? Why is it that men don't speak as much? Why is it that you know, one of the things that

01:20:00--> 01:20:36

agitated man the most is when a woman tells him a chore just as he's leaving the house. Why does he get so annoyed when something like that happens? Why is it that a man and a woman can go shopping? The woman will not buy anything, but she has a fulfilled experience, but the man is annoyed and frustrated. So we look at all these sorts of things we need to be discussed next week, again, along with intimacy and contraception, and all those sorts of things with the Knights Allah. So please come prepared. And I would suggest for next week, it may be a good idea not to bring children who are not teenagers, it may be a good idea not to bring those children just for your own protection

01:20:36--> 01:20:46

that they don't ask to start asking questions when they go home and Sharla Allah knows best some Hi, Nicola Hello vmdk shadow and eyeliner and silica Tsuboi, Lake wa Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh