Moving Forward As A Community Marriage Part 2 Adult Audiance

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Navaid Aziz

Channel: Navaid Aziz

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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim al hamdu lillahi wa inna when a stock photo when I was a Billahi min surely and fusina woman sejati Amina Maria de La La La La La La Jolla, or shadow LA LA LA LA LA City Kayla was shawanna Mohammed Abdullah Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa seldom at the Sleeman kathira above that, my dear brothers and sisters salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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So with the light Allah, I'm hoping that this halaqa is going to be educational, but at the same time, it is going to be quite entertaining as well. Generally speaking, when we speak about love, we say that love is very blinding. And you're going to learn something today, that if you are blinded by love before marriage, marriage will be a severe eye opener for you, husband and wife, they're having a quarrel, they're having a fight. And she says, honey, I was so blinded, I was such a fool when I married you. And the husband says, You're right, I didn't notice.

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When you guys are terrible, you guys need to pick up on my jokes.

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That's like a Vegas left over.

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Okay, so let's get something off the bat right away. Speaking about happy marriages, a lot of people have this perception that they're going to get married, and their marriage is going to be blissful, and happy and calm and serene at all times. But the reality of the situation that is not what defines a happy marriage, a happy marriage is not one that doesn't have fights and doesn't have quarrels. That's not what a happy marriage is. a happy marriage is a relationship where even during the fights, they find a way to remain human and, and find a way to remain civil, and find a way to get along. Because the nature of human relationships is that the longer you spend together, the more

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annoyed and frustrated you get with one another. This is just the way human beings are. And you can tell that when you've been on a long journey, even with your best friend on the planet, you know, after like 1012 hours of driving together, you're like, I need my space from you, you know, you go your way I'll go do my thing. That's just the real you know, the way human beings are. Now you can imagine you're with the same human being for like, 2530 4050 years, you can imagine what it's gonna be like, at that time is like I need like three months away from you. And this is how you know, Adweek builds that love. And it's really, you know, helped me understand something. If you look at

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if you look in Islam, why does Islam give such a heavy emphasis for men praying and Gemma that go into the machine and pray in congregation that if we look at so many, a Hadith, the Messenger of Allah says, I'm telling us that you know, the Salah is multiplied 25 times a Salas multiplied 27 times, the messenger have also said, I'm saying that, you know, I would ask someone to give the iodine and then I would burn down the houses of the ones that go in and wouldn't go and praying Gemma, like you look at these Hadith, and it makes you wonder, you know, what is the great wisdom behind this? Now the general wisdom is that Allah subhanho wa Taala, he obviously loves, you know,

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people getting together and worshiping Him. That's the obvious reason number two is that it helps builds bonds amongst the brothers, that brothers meet each other, you know, they get to get together social activity, they interact with one another. That's the second wisdom. But the third wisdom is that if you're praying your Salah five times a day at home, eventually you're going to get stuck, you know, you're going to get fed up, you're going to need a change. So Islam provided that change for you that rather than going out and just merely socializing, come to the masjid where you can worship Allah subhanho wa Taala. The men get to intermingle with the brothers and then they go back

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to their home, and it creates that distance and it creates that distance and giving you know worth or substantiation to that paradigm, where they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. absence makes the heart grow fonder, meaning that if you spend a little bit of time away from your spouse, which will actually make you fonder of one another, rather than the spouse that is always like together and literally attached to the hip, you know, give them a week, and they'll be fed up with one another, because that's just the way human beings work. So now, that haven't been said, let's move into our first topic of discussion. And that is understanding human needs, understanding human

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needs. So let's I know what Allah created human beings with six main psychological needs six main psychological needs, and I need you guys to memorize this, because this is the foundation of understanding your relationship with your spouse. This is the foundation of understanding your relationship with your spouse. So the first level you have this is going to be a spectrum level number one, you have love, and you have recognition you have love, and you have recognition. Speaking about love, this is the emotion that Allah subhanho wa Taala and mostly charged the woman with meaning that she is most motivated through this emotion and through this need of hers, and

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while men have this need as well

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is not as strong in them as it is inside of a woman, then you have the other side of the spectrum. And this is certainty. And certainty is this human need that Allah subhanaw taala, created much, much stronger in men than they did in women. Now let's see how this comes out to play. Looking at men, you will see that you know, so behind the law, it is such a great need, that we come up with phrases that don't even make sense. So for example, you're playing on a sports team, and this guy scores, how do you recognize him? You tell him, you're the man. Now, if you think about this, what does this statement actually mean? What is it a recognition of like, Is it his gender? Is it his

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manliness? What is it, but it's just again, a guy who feels good, you tell him, you're the man, you know, I'm recognizing that and makes him feel good. So it shows you that how on the simplest of levels, that man needs this recognition. Now, this becomes very dangerous as well, because you'll notice that once you start designing recognition, then the concept of Ria comes into play, that you're no longer doing things purely for the sake of Allah, but for the sake of building your ego. And that is why if you look at the hadith of who are the first three people who are to be thrown into the Hellfire, even though don't even though it specifically doesn't say men, it is understood

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that the connotation is that of a man, because it mentions the scholar, it mentions the martyr, and it mentions the philanthropist. Now the scholar generally it is the man that's going to go out and study and be the leader of the community. The malted is the man that is going to go out and fight for the sake of Allah, and you know, he dies in that way. And number three, it is the philanthropist, the one that gives his wealth for the sake of Allah using the man again, there is going to go out and work earn that money. And then you know, again, his ego comes into play, and he does it for the sake of other than the law. And that is when Ria comes into play. So that's an

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important concept. To understand, it is an important concept to understand that men are driven by recognition, women are driven by love. And both of them come into play with each gender. But love is stronger in women, and recognition is stronger in men. Level number two, level number two is that you have that of adventure versus certainty, adventure versus certainty. So by certainty, what do we mean? What we mean by certainty is that each night you will come home, and you will find your house in the same place, your car will be parked in the same place, you have a certain order in your closet of where your suits, your shirts, your ties, your thoughts, and everything are in a certain

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order. All of this is certainty. And as human beings, you need a certain level of certainty in your life. Because without certainty, there's chaos, and there's no stability in your life, then on the exact opposite end is adventure. And this adventure is that if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, it becomes redundant, a person gets fed up, and they need to change in their lives. And that is why you will see that some of the people that suffer the worst forms of depression are people who work in cubicles, that there's no windows, I hope no one works the cubicle. Whether you work in a queue, so you work in a cubicle, there's no sunlight, you're using the same desk, the same

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phone, the same computer, typing in the same numbers, the same letters every single day, by the end of like 10 years of doing that the person has gone mad, because there's no sense of adventure, there's no sense of change. So human beings need a combination of the two, they need a certain level of certainty. But at the same time, they do need a certain level of adventure as well, where things are changing up. And then you have the third level or the third tier, where you have contribution. And you have growth where you have contribution, and you have growth. And this is another fundamental component of human psychology, where human beings have this need to contribute, and they

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have this need to grow. So they're not on opposite ends of the spectrum. But these are just things that people need to do. So they need to feel as if they're contributing. So if you're having a group discussion, and everyone is speaking, except for one individual, that one individual, even though he may not have anything to say, he has this need inside him to speak and he may even end up saying something stupid, just because he has the need to contribute. Human beings are like that, they will need to contribute into something. And then the third, the last thing this is the sixth need that humans have is that of growth. That means we can't always be staying at the same level. We need to

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be growing we need our horizons needs to be expanding. We need to be learning new things. We need to have new experiences. And this is where growth comes into play. Now, the reason why these six things are so important is because you'll notice in your relationship with your spouse, if you want to do like a self diagnosis, why are things going wrong in my relationship? Why Are things going wrong in my marriage? It will usually come down to one of these six things. The mind is not being recognized. The woman doesn't feel there is love. There's either too much chaos in the relationship, not enough stability, or there's too much stability and there's not enough adventure. Then this last year is

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that

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There's not enough growth that the husband and wife, they're not growing as a couple, they're not learning things, learning things, they're not experiencing new things. And that's something that needs to be addressed. And then the last thing is that they're not contributing to society. They just feel as if they're a part of a community, but they don't have anything to give back. They don't have anything to offer. And then these are the six most fundamental needs that every human being will have. Now who's going to repeat these six for me inshallah, I need all six of them with the exception of a YouTube exceptionable. You go ahead. Love

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recognition. Excellent.

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Go ahead. Go ahead. Help him up. Sorry, adventure. Okay.

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What's the opposite of adventure?

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certainty or stability. Excellent. Now we move on to the last level, what's the last level?

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contribution? And what's the last one?

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growth? Excellent. So those are the six you need to memorize these six, because I'm telling you, once it comes down to analyzing your relationship, the problem is going to lie in one of these six areas. You master these six areas with the lights Allah, and it will solve all of your problems to be the lights on with that without having been said. So those are the human needs. Now let us get down to social behavior and social differences that Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us something in the Koran, while they said the Quran can answer that a man is not like a woman that when Miriam was born, you know, her father had made an oath that if I have a man, I'm going to dedicate him to the

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service of Allah subhanho wa Taala and put him in the masjid. But now that Miriam was born, he couldn't do this. And Allah subhanaw taala preserved the statement in the Koran when they said that Kuru can answer that the man is not like the woman, meaning that there are key differences that Allah subhana wa Taala created between a man and a woman. And we're going to explore some of those key differences with the lights either. The first one we're going to explore is the ability to speak and to operate. And the words we speak, the average man will speak between 12,015 1000 words per day. 12,000 to 15,000 words per day. Anyone want to take a guess how many words the average woman

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speaks? infinity? No.

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No, that's too high man. Way to

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double it. Double is close. You're very, very close.

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Someone give me another answer.

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Three times, even that's the words go ahead. 26,000, you're getting closer. So between 22,000 to 25,000 words, from 22,000 to 25,000. words, these are the average amount of words that come into play. Now, why is it important to know this? It's important for both men and women to know this. So man comes home from work. He's dead tired, he's, you know, he's finished. He's been on the phone all day. He's been in meetings, he's been discussing things. He comes home, the wife says Salaam Alaikum. Honey, how are you? What is he going to say to his wife? It is a one word answer either hamdulillah fine, something along those lines. And the ones who think you know, why is it only one

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word, you know, he should have 30,000 words for me. You know, that's the way he's supposed to speak to me. Now the husband in his kind and generous nature. He says, You know what, let me reciprocate this question. She asked me how I'm doing. It's human nature. Let me ask her how she's doing. So he says, honey, how have you been? Now before she starts to speak? She needs to take a deep breath.

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And it's like, you know, she tells you about Khadija day. I says day her parents, her neighbors, her, you know, extended relatives and like Bangladesh, you will hear the whole world's information and like, literally 15 seconds. And then you're like, Why? Why? Why couldn't you just suffice with fine? Why couldn't you just be like me. And this is the first time you're noticing this key difference, that men have this limited amount of word usage, meaning that once they get between 12 to 15,000 words, this is their comfort zone, anything more than that, and it becomes burdensome upon them, because they have to start becoming someone that they're not a woman. On the other hand, she

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has a capacity of 22 to 25,000 words, if she's not reaching that normal zone, then she's also going to be in a zone that is not comfortable for. And this is something that you have to understand that when your wife comes home, when your wife starts talking to you, and you just start thinking, why does she talk so much? You know, why does he always have to be talking? And then the wife thinks, you know what, my husband doesn't express himself to me. Why is he like this? He doesn't love me. That's what she starts thinking right away. The second you start answering with one letter one as one word answers, often he doesn't love me enough. And this is the first difference. You need to

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understand that that's not the case. It's not that your wife, you know, she loves annoying you and it's not the same thing that you want. Your husband does not love you. That's why he's not speaking. But try this recognition that Allah created both species differently. And that is why you have to accommodate for both. So if a man's had

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A very hectic and busy day when he's going to work, he's going to come home, he's going to need to relax, need to rejuvenate, and then his cycle will slowly begin again. Same thing for the woman, if she stays home all the time, and she doesn't communicate with too many of her friends, you know, she doesn't have too much social interaction, you are going to be her source of all inter of social interaction. And this is something you will have to bear. So this is like your very first lesson over here, that when a man comes home, he needs to be prepared to converse, don't ever think that I will ever go home. And I will have an opportunity to just to sit quietly the rest of the night. It's

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unrealistic. Unless you're providing alternatives for your wife, that's not going to happen. And same thing for the wife, she needs to appreciate the fact that the husband has been out at work, he's had a very long day, he's used most of his words. And within lifestyle. When it comes weekend time, you will notice that he's more conversing. You'll notice that you know, after he's had his time to relax, the kids better be the liaison. So that is the first social difference. Second, social difference is the way men and women deal with stress the way men and women deal with stress. A man when he deals with stress, he goes into what they call into a cave. And meaning that when he

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has a problem in his life, he never starts talking about his problem right away, he doesn't start shedding tears. He doesn't, you know, go need to go and call a helpline or anything like that. He just needs some time to himself. So we'll go into a corner of his house, he'll go into his bedroom, he'll need 20 to 30 minutes by himself, he'll come out, and then he will be normal again. A woman on the other hand, she deals with stress in a completely different manner. She needs to speak about that stress, and she needs her emotions validated. She needs her emotions validated. So now I want you to imagine a husband and wife when they first get married. And there's stress inside the

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relationship. What does the man do? He wants to go into his cave, he wants to be isolated. The woman wants to speak about it. And she wants her emotions validated. Now when they don't know anything about another, and they don't realize that men and women deal with stress differently. The first time a woman is seen crying by her husband, what's he going to do? He's going to think that you know what, let me leave my wife alone. She needs some time by herself. She'll gather her thoughts, and then we can talk later. The wife sees this from her husband, she's like, what an inconsiderate fool. You know, he sees me crying and he doesn't even care. Again, he does not love me, that is a

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conclusion she's going to jump to when you look at the other opposite end that the first time a husband has a stressful day. And he comes home and he's really stressed out. And the wife's like, Hey, honey, how are you today? You know, what did you do today? What did you eat? What did you speak about? And this is driving the husband mad. He's like, Just leave me alone, I want to be by myself. And then he isolates himself. So you notice the difference in experience over here, you notice the difference in experience over here. And both of them have to accommodate appropriately. So when a man sees a woman is distressed, he needs to do two things, he needs to do two things. His first

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initial reaction might be you know what, let me leave her alone. Let me let her deal with her thoughts. That's the wrong answer right there. You need to go and validate her feelings, let her know that everything is going to be alright, and just console her. The second thing a man will try to do is that a when a woman is upset, he'll be like, Okay, let me hear your problem. And I will offer you a solution. Anyone who is married over here will know that the wife couldn't care less about your solution, she does not care about your solution. She just wants her emotions validated. She wants to know that she has the right to be upset, and that you're not judging her for being

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upset, and that you will still love her, even though she is upset. So number one, don't leave her by herself. And number two, as a man, you don't want to offer a solution right off the bat. But rather you just want to hear her out. And you just want to validate her experiences, from my husband's perspective is that when the husband is seen distressed and distraught, the wife should give him his space, let him deal with his stuff 20 to 30 minutes later, he will be back to normal and you can discuss the problem, you can discuss the issue and he will be up for it. But if you try to force it out of him from the very getgo that just creates further friction and creates further problems.

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Social difference number three, the way men and women nod their heads. Now you'll notice that in this culture, Mashallah we like nod our heads for everything like tick, tick, tick, tick. That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm referring to right now, is that when you're having a one on one conversation with one another, how do you show agreement? How do you show them? How do you gently you know, nod your head, you, you affirm that you know you're listening and paying attention. Men and women use this completely differently. Men and women use this completely differently. So a woman when she's speaking with another woman, the woman in front of her will constantly be just nodding

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her head just so that she is paying attention. That is what a woman does when she's nodding her head in another conversation. It's not showing that she agrees it's just showing the fact that she is paying attention from a man's perspective when he knows

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his head, he is not showing with this nodding of the head that he is paying attention. But rather he's showing with it, he agrees with what you are saying, he agrees with what you are saying. So now when you have a man and a woman who have two different social experiences, that when a woman is having a one on one conversation, she wants someone to show that look, I'm a paying, I'm paying attention to what you're saying. Whereas the man is only accustomed to nodding his head, when he agrees with that fact. And every married man can testify to this statement that at one point or another in your life, a point will come where the wife will say, repeat everything I just said,

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because I don't think you're paying attention to me. Why is she saying the statement, you're obviously always paying attention, she's saying the statement because you're not nodding your head. Because for her, in order for her to recognize that you were paying attention, that nodding of the head needs to be there. Whereas for a man, you only accustomed to nodding your head when you agree with something. So this will be like another fine point of action, that when you're speaking with your wife, the way that you show that you're paying attention to her is just something simple by nodding your head. And by saying, Yes, I'm listening, or afirma affirmative words like this. But

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when you just sit there like a zombie, and you're like,

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and then you only shake your head, when you agree with something, you have to understand that your wife isn't going to understand what that means. You know, why are you only nodding your head? Sometimes you zoning his own in and out of this conversation? Is that what's happening? So that's from a woman's perspective, from a man's perspective, he needs to appreciate this well. So he'll come home one day, and he's like, honey, you know what, you're such an amazing cook, I want you to cook for the whole community, and I'm sick.

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And you know what, you clean the clothes really well. So I want you to clean my clothes, my brother's clothes, my dad's clothes. And you know, that neighbor down the street, I want you to clean his clothes as well as you like.

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And you know what? The bathroom upstairs needs to be cleaned. The basement needs to be cleaned. And you know what, I want a massage tonight.

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And the wife said, Well, this is amazing. She's agreeing to everything. And then she will find answers. So do you agree with everything, and she's like, Not a chance. And the mindset what went wrong, because he's thinking that when she's nodding her head in affirmation, that she's agreeing with everything. But in reality, that's not what she's doing. She is just showing that I am paying attention to what you're saying. And I will nod my head, whether I agree with you or not, is just to show that there's affirmation. So that is the third social difference. The fourth social difference. Now some of these are not as important. Some of these are not as important. But the fourth social

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difference, the way we communicate with one another, the way we communicate with one another. So I want you to think about a marriage that you went to a marriage that you went to, you have eight guys sitting on the table, and you have eight women sitting on the table. How do you think they're going to be talking? How do you think they're going to be talking? The eight men on the table, it will be one person at a time. And each person will have their turn. The second you have two people talking, one person is going to get annoyed and frustrated. And he's going to be like, either you talk or you talk both of you can talk at the same time. Because that's just not the way we communicate with one

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another. Everyone has their turn, you go to a woman's table, and all of a sudden is completely different. Eight people is divided down to four different conversations. And that woman is listening into four different conversations. She's like, Oh, I really love your shoes. Or you guys went camping. When did you guys go camping? Hey, what was nice to hear you know, you had a child Congratulations, and is excited to take this conversation. And a woman is able to keep up with this. Now this is not this. When I mentioned these things, they sound funny to us as men. And it's not to put women down. It's again to show this concept of Lisa Dakota can answer that the man is not a tome

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Allah created us differently. Now, what is the lesson that you learned from over here? That was the lesson that you derive from men speaking differently, and women speaking different than a man turn by turn one by one. And you can't have more than to be one person speaking at a time, as opposed to women, where they will have multiple conversations on the table. And they're able to listen to each and every one. The lesson you derive from this is that men are goal oriented and women are experience oriented. What is this mean? There is one stop performing tasks, a man will not be able to work on more than one task at a time. If he tries to do more than one task at a time, he may

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think he will be able to do it. But it takes away from his efficiency, he will be most efficient when he is working at one task at a time. A woman on the other hand, she is able to complete multiple things at one time, whether there are 10, or whether there's one, it doesn't make a difference. And that is why you'll see that you know one of the worst things that you can do for a man is just leave him with the kids and leave him some tasks to do. So when a woman wants to talk to her husband. What does she do? She says Honey, I'm going out of the house. I'm leaving you with the kids so that when he come she leaves the house. Oh and by the way, you have to answer that my friend

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is going to call take a message from her. I want you to record this TV show the diapers needs

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To be changed, there's pizza in the oven for us. And you need to boil pasta for the kids. These are the instructions, she leaves you. The wife comes home now, there is dirty diapers everywhere the pizza is burnt.

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You know that the pasta never got cooked, the TV shows on right now, but it's not being recorded. And the wife asked the husband, you know what happened. And he's like, Oh, your friend called and asked for the ball. You know, that's what he ended up doing. He's unable to multitask. Then the wife comes home and she takes care of everything. She starts cooking right away with one leg, she's closing the oven door. With the other hand, she's stirring the pizza with her head, she's holding the phone talking to a friend with one eye, she's watching the TV show the other eye, she's watching the kid. And this is like the ability that Allah gave to a woman in terms of multitasking. And this

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is the you know, the the blessing nature that she has, because she has so many tasks you have to take care of Allah gave her the ability to do them at many at more than one at one time. Men on the other hand, they're one task after another. And this becomes a very valuable lesson, particularly for the sisters, that one of the most annoying things they do to men is that they will give a man a task, just as he's leaving the house. So literally, he has this jacket on, he has his head on, one foot is out the door. And she will be like honey, don't forget the milk or Honey, don't forget the diapers. Now the man will get so annoyed and so frustrated, and the woman won't be able to

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understand why she's like it's such a simple task, why can't you just do it. And the man in his mind, he doesn't care about the task. It's the fact that you wait till the very last second, and you become a hindrance in him achieving his other goal. Because I'm leaving the house right now he already has a goal in mind, he already has a goal in mind, and you are becoming a hindrance in him fulfilling that goal, you're becoming a hindrance in him fulfilling that goal. So whenever you want a man to do something, communicate everything well in advance. And you'll notice that two small arguments that will take place at the door, there'll be avoided because there's no longer a

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hindrance between a man and his goal. And then from a man's perspective, you'll learn to become more appreciative of your wife's talents, that Allah has blessed her with the ability to multitask. And don't think that, you know, you can only give her one task at a time, or can only communicate with one task at a time. Or think that you know, she's not paying attention to you when you're speaking to her. That's not the case allows bluster to multitask. At the same time.

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I'm thinking about if I should mention the last lecture, I'll miss it, I'll skip the last one. You can study more social differences on by yourself. But this is just an introduction to understanding that this is an introduction to understanding social differences between the man and the woman. Now we get into the topic of intimacy, we get into the topic of intimacy, and I given this forewarning that, you know, we shouldn't have kids under 12. What obviously not everyone listened. So you are, you know, dealing with your own, I guess we reap what we sow. That's what I'm trying to say it's your fault is your problem that

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intimacy. intimacy is a huge part of marital relationships. And this is what you need to understand is that Islam came as a balance between all the different systems and cultures that exist. So you will have one culture and one system that will say, you know what, man needs to stay celibate at all times, and he should not get married to not have marital relationships. And that is where you know they are, then you have an extreme opposite culture, which is, without any guidelines, without any boundaries, go and sleep with whoever you want, fulfill your desire in any way that you want. And that is completely fine as well. And both of these are extremely wrong. The first one is wrong is

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because it is not conducive to the nature of men. Then Allah subhanho wa Taala created this urge created this desire that clearly needs to be fulfilled. And when it's not fulfilled, that is when perversion takes place. That is when perversion takes place. When you have the exact opposite end of the spectrum, where you have ultimate freedom and ultimate, you know, non union you're not questionable or answerable to anyone, then you will notice that this becomes a spread of Asia spread of disease, a spread of illegitimate children, a spread of a whole bunch of other problems. And Islam comes with the middle path in trying to create a balance between the desires and needs of a

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human being. And at the same time, a person being responsible as well, a person being responsible as well. So now from an interested me an intimacy point of view. As you can see, it's not very easy to speak to in public about this matter. Speaking from an intimacy point of view, there are a couple of guidelines that you need to understand there are a couple of guidelines that you need to understand and this is from both perspectives. So first, let us talk about what is halal and what is haram. The general script, the general point, the general rule, when it comes to intimacy is that everything is valid until proven wrong. Everything is highlighted until proven wrong. And then you look into

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The Sharia what are the things that Allah subhanho wa Taala has prohibited? What are the things that Allah subhanho wa Taala has prohibited. And you have three actually four things that Allah subhanho wa Taala has clearly prohibited for things that Allah subhanaw taala has clearly prohibited. Number one is that Allah subhanho wa Taala has prohibited intimacy through the anus, Allah subhanaw taala has prohibited intimacy through the anus. Number two is that Allah subhanho wa Taala has prohibited intimacy when a woman is in her menstrual cycle, when a woman is into menstrual cycle. And this takes the same ruling when she has postpartum bleeding, meaning after she has a child during that

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time, it is not permissible to be physically intimate with her at that time, as well. The third thing that is prohibited in Islam is for one to be you know, use that which is Feel free to use that which is disliked. Now, we'll get to this concept later on with the Knights Allah, but just understand the general rule. Because over here, Islam didn't come to give specifics, but Islam just gave general guidelines. And then the fourth principle. And the fourth rule you should know when it comes to intimacy is that Islam prohibits people being wasteful, Islam prohibits people being wasteful. Now, a lot of the uncles and Auntie's they may be thinking what on earth is going on over

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here, I'm going to explain briefly and in as clean of a way as they possibly can with the lights Allah. So the general guidelines is that everything is halal until proven Haram. And those are the four things that almost a minute Allah has prohibited. So the first thing we mentioned is that Allah subhanaw taala, he has made intimacy through the anus clearly huddle. And in fact, this is something that there is consensus on that there is no disagreement upon that this is prohibited, this is prohibited and is not allowed. And the same thing applies to the second one as well, that during menstruation and during postpartum bleeding, it is not permissible to have marital relations at that

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time. And I want to make that very clear that the husband and wife they can be intimate, and the sense that they can hold hands, they can kiss one another, they can enjoy one another and every single way, except for having marital relations, except for having marital relations. That is what applies to the first two, they can enjoy one another in every way, except for having marital relations at that time. Then number three, we said since should not be filthy, a person should not be filthy. What is this general guideline means this general guideline means it encompasses two main things. Number one is the way that we speak with one another. So for example, living in our culture,

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there's this culture of, you know, being very vulgar, while having virtual relations, that is not allowed in Islam, you know, to use bad words and to curse. Even when a person is having marital relations with his wife, this is not the way that they should be. But rather, there's a level of humanity and a level of dignity that needs to be maintained. And this is something that you know, is left for the non Muslims and has nothing to do with Islam. And you'll notice that, you know, you'll come to see this, that this is like one of the diseases of like watching pornography, is that you start developing cultures of intimacy that are not allowed in Islam. And then you view it so many

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times that a person starts to think that you know what, this is the way marital intimacy is meant to be. This is a way that marital intimacy is meant to be related to this third point, this third principle as well, is that one should not be filthy. So you will notice that, again, in Western culture, we'll use a whole bunch of products that are not for the lack of, you know, better words, hygenic, these are the things that are not hygenic, I'm not going to educate you about them, if you don't know what they are, if you know what they are, you know, seek refuge from Allah that you never find someone who wants these sorts of things. So those are the sorts of things you have to avoid.

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Then the fourth thing is that you're not meant to be wasteful, that you're not meant to be wasteful. And this is something that you will use find in the books of old that certain things that you're allowed to use an intimacy, certain things that you're not allowed to be using intimacy. So the question arises, are you allowed using food while being intimate? Are you allowed using food while being intimate? And the answer to this is yes, as long as you allow it as long as you're consuming that food. So for example, you know, I'm going to throw out names of foods, you figure out what to do with them. So when you talk about like chocolate sauce, you talk about whipped cream, you talk

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about, you know, those sort of things, these are things that you're allowed to use, these are things that you're allowed to use, but at the same time, a person should not be wasteful. A person should not just use these things, and then throw these things away. But rather, you're meant to consume them and not be wasteful. Now, those are general guidelines. Those are general guidelines. Now, why do I mention these sort of things? That as Muslims, there needs to be a safe space. You know, you'll notice that when a person will have a question, they're not going to feel comfortable to speak to the Imam. They're not going to want to speak to the brother that they see in the masjid. There needs

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to be a safe space. And one thing we definitely don't want is, you know, people going to the internet and trying to research you know,

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Should I be using this? Or should I not be using that they don't have the level of morality and ethics that a Muslim is required to have. So I want to give you a general guidelines in terms of what is allowed and what isn't allowed. And the reason why I bring this up again, is because one of the biggest levels of frustration is because of this improper intimacy, that you know, the parents, they got the children married, they're like better Baby, you're now officially married, go figure things out yourself. The man who's never the boy who's never had a boyfriend girl has never had sorry, the boys never had a girlfriend. And the girl, the boy has never had a girlfriend and the

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girl has never had a boyfriend. She's like, what do we do now, and then try reading these books were like, everyone has them and some of the scholars of the past, and they're like, What on earth is this, this seems like mechanics or something. And it's very difficult. And that's why this needs to be discussed with our up and coming, you know, teenagers and young adults that are getting married in a holiday and in a mature manner. So those are the guidelines. Now in terms of actual intimacy itself, I want to explain the difference between intimacy between a man and a woman, from a man if we understand what we said about him, he is very goal oriented, right? He's very goal oriented,

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whereas a woman is very experienced oriented. So for a man, it's about doing the task and finishing the task. And that is what will give him the greatest amount of pleasure, and he will be done. Whereas for a woman's perspective, it's not about completion, but rather, it's about the experience itself. And this is what I want to share, you know, a very important difference over here, that there will be for a husband and wife, when when they get married, there will be a time where a man will need to fulfill his urge a man will need to fulfill his urge. And a woman will be like, you know what, let us go out for dinner. First, let us light some candles, let us you know, put on some

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new sheets, and the man is like that is on the inside. He is being like on the outside, he's being polite. But on the inside is like this is not what I need right now. You know, I've just gone through some major fitness, something happened. And I need to fulfill my urge, a woman needs to recognize that that at that time, he is not in the mood for an intimate experience. He just needs to fulfill his urge. At the same time, from a man's perspective, he cannot be greedy and selfish and think that this is the way intimacy is always going to be, there is a time to take. But there's also a time to give. So from time to time, yes, you will have to fulfill your urges. But at the same

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time, you want to make sure that you're giving back to your spouse as well, you'll want to make sure that you're giving back to your spouse, as well. And this is something that you will learn to discuss with one another, experienced with one another and grow with one another. And I cannot emphasize enough the importance of communicating over here. There are a lot of times you know, a husband and wife, they'll be having problems in their intimacy. But they're like, you know what, it's going to stay in the dark, we're not going to discuss it, we're not going to do anything about it, we'll just continue living as it is. But a breaking point eventually comes and nothing gets

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solved. And the relationship eventually breaks down. So it's very important that the husband and wife they did they agree amongst themselves that you know what, we may not know anything about intimacy coming into the marriage. And well now that we're married, Allah has made us halaal for one another, let us enjoy this experience. Let us enjoy this experience. And let us learn about it as well. So if there's something that you like, tell your spouse about it. If there's something that you dislike, tell your spouse about it, rather than holding those feelings inside and repressing those emotions, deal with them upfront. And it makes things a lot easier, rather than leaving your

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spouse to guess. Do you know what does my spouse like? What does my spouse not dislike us be open about it, be frank about it, but be you know, ethical and moral about it as well that there's no need for vulgar descriptions and be you know, sane and humane, and speak about it in a mature manner. hamdulillah The difficult part is done, I can wipe off the sweat. Now we get into the concept of public intimacy, public intimacy, are we allowed to hold hands in public Are you allowed kissing your spouse in public? What is allowed what is not allowed? The general rule for public intimacy has been that whatever is acceptable in the culture is acceptable by Islam, they what they

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call the earth. Now, obviously living in the West, that is not applicable at all, because in our culture, you can go ahead and do whatever you want, and no one will care. So for our call from an Islamic perspective, we have a bit of a difficulty defining what is permissible and what is not permissible. But what I can tell you is what is safe and what is not safe. So in terms of holding hands in public, I believe this is perfectly fine. And perfectly normal. This is perfectly you know, on the safe side, showing affection in terms of kissing, a kiss on the cheek may be acceptable in some cultures, but in public, I would even feel uncomfortable doing something like that. So I would

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say go as far as holding hands, everything other than that, use your judgment, use your judgment. So if a husband has just come back from a long journey, the wife is picking him up at the airport. Yes, it may be acceptable to give a hug and to give a kiss on the cheek. But if it's on a daily occurrence that they're going on

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For dinner or a weaker currency going out for dinner, there's a you know, hugging and kissing on the cheek, that may be going a bit far. So you want to use your own judgment. But in terms of holding hands in public, I don't see anything wrong with that Allah has made this Highland. And it's actually something which is permissible to do, it is a way of showing affection for one another. They say when a man holds his wife's hand, you know, in the honeymoon phase, and like the first six months, you can tell, it's because the husband and wife are happy with one another. Once that honeymoon phase is over, it usually becomes self defense. Man, you guys are killing me.

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Okay, so that is public intimacy.

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Now we get to actual conflict resolution, the first thing you will want to understand is this very important principle that in the marriage, in the marriage, there should only be one person that is angry at a time.

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In the marriage, there should only be one person that is angry at a time. Meaning that when that conflict takes place, when those problems arise, you need to make it a principle in your marriage, that only one person will get angry at a time. And the time will never come where both parties are actually angry with one another. And here's another bad joke for you guys. So they say that the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the wife listens, the second year of marriage, the wife speaks, and the man misses the third year of marriage, the man and the wife speaks and the neighbors Listen, that's something you want to avoid. So that Mashallah you guys are finally laughing.

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Okay, so that's something you want to establish from the very getgo that no matter what happens in the marriage relationship, only one person will be angry at a time only one person will be angry at a time. So you notice that the husband is angry, the wife needs to restrain herself and say, You know what, let my husband be angry. And he'll let his have his turn. And I'm going to remain calm. Same thing with the husband, that when the wife is angry first, he should be you know what this is my wife's rights to be angry, I'm going to let her be angry, let her express herself. And I'm not going to get angry. So you have to establish this as a rule in your family. Now, in terms of

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actually dealing with anger itself, in terms of actually dealing with anger itself, there are five things that you need to know that when an individual gets angry, he should seek refuge in a lot from a shaytaan he should say I also Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim. Because it is shaytaan that is causing him to get angry. Number two is that he should go and make booboo, he should go and make will do this will help him cool down. And it will help him change his physiology. Number three is that in the case a person cannot go and make will do, they should change their physiology. So the person that is standing, he should sit down, the person that is sitting down, he should lay down.

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And you'll see that when your person is laying down. That is the most difficult time to get angry, you'll almost never ever see anyone get angry while they're laying down. Because that posture is not conducive to blood circulation. And blood circulation is needed for an individual to get angry. So you'll notice that if you're standing up, sit down, if you're sitting down, lay down and be the lights Allah that will you know, help you calm down. The last thing is that always leave the room that you're angry and always leave the room that you got angry. And so Osman wife had had a fight as part ways, the one that is angry should leave the room that he is angry in. And this is just a

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change in physiology. A change in setting will help him calm down, help them reflect help him cool down, and then they can come back and discuss this matter. And this is a particular point for the brothers. This is a particular point for the brothers. And every marriage, you will have sorry, every marriage, these arguments will take place. And when these arguments take place, there will always be someone that is right. And then there will be you the husband.

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I don't know why. Why are you guys not enjoying my jokes today?

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Okay, so I'll give you another one as well, you know, from a man's perspective, or actually from a woman's perspective, she's always going to have the last word, she's always going to have the last word. And if a man ever thinks he's had the last word, that's usually because the second conversation began and he didn't realize it.

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Now let us conclude we'll open up the floor for q&a. Let us conclude with the example of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Let us conclude with the example of the officer Salah in Abu Bakar Rahim Allah He has a chapter inside of Al Bukhari called the anger of women. It's called the anger of woman. Now when a person looks at this chapter heading, a person who would assume you know what, what a chauvinistic title, you know, showing the emotional woman again, but if you look at the actual nature of this Hadith, it has very little to do with the anger of women, but has more to do with the lack of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wasallam with his wife. So you look at the

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Hadeeth that email Buhari brings under this chapter. It is the Hadith where the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he summons his wife I showed her the law and the first thing you do is brought your attention

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In his how he summoned sir. So rather than saying, I shall come here, he says, Oh, I come here, and I shall do one and she says that I was a nickname that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu Sallam had for her. It was a nickname that the Messenger of Allah system had for her. That was a term of endearment, a term of loving. And this shows us that when you address your spouse, don't address them just by you know, a first name basis. Don't just call them either Fatima or, you know, Khadija or whatever they may be, but call her by a term of endearment call her you know, my love my you know, honey, whatever it may be, call her by a term of endearment. Number two is that as this hadith

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continues, after he has seminary, he says, Oh, I wish I know when you're angry with me. And I know when you're happy with me. So this shows us a second important lesson that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is initiating conversation with his wife mean that the wife has this needs to converse, this needs to be loved, and the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is now initiating it himself. So I showed Yolanda, she says the other Sula, how am I when I'm angry? And how am I Where am I? How am I? When I'm happy? How am I when I'm angry? And how am I when I'm happy? The Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam goes on to say, oh is when you're angry,

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you say by the Lord of Ibrahim such and such will happen by the Lord of Ibrahim you will do such and such. And when you are happy, you say by the Lord of Mohammed, such and such will happen. And by the Lord of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you will do such and such. Here's an important lesson now for the sisters. Here, it shows us that a woman is allowed to be upset, but within the parameters and guidelines of Islam, meaning that she doesn't become vulgar. She doesn't start throwing things around, but rather she stays within the halaal parameters that he or she shows her this contentedness when the Messenger of Allah even though he is the Messenger of Allah, but she

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shows her discontent as him as a husband by doing what she swears by the Lord of Ibrahim, rather than the lord of Mohammed sallallahu alayhi wasallam. The Hadith continues on go on to say, and this is like the conclusion of the Hadith. Now, the lesson again, before we get to the conclusion, from a man's perspective, or here is that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam being the busiest of people, you know, the General of the Army, the mayor of the community, the family counselor, the guidance counselor, the Imam of the masjid, you know, listening to everyone's issues, taking care of the beta land, all of these things are happening. Yet the Messenger of Allah

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam still found the time to appreciate the emotions of his wife, to tell her that look, not only do I listen to your words, because he says, The Lord of Abraham, and a lot of times, he's heard those words, he's accepted those words, but he also pays attention to the emotions, he also pays attention to the emotions. And this is like the crux of all of the lessons, that as a man, if you want to see how good of a husband you are, how manly of a man, you are, the look at your ability to read the emotions of your wife, look at your ability to read the emotions of your wife. So then when your wife says, fine, does she actually mean fine? When she says, All right,

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does she actually mean Alright, what is she trying to say? Through her words, you should be able to read the emotion that is behind it, because that is what you need really needs to figure out because you'll come to see in marriage, the words that woman uses are utterly useless and futile. Because when she is angry, she'll use a whole bunch of words that mean the exact opposite. So she'll be like, yeah, go with your friends, she doesn't mean that she actually wants you to stay home and cuddle with her. That's what she wants. Now, the conclusion of the Hadith, the conclusion of the Hadith, again, proving our point that a woman will always have the last word, especially I showed

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her the law. Hahaha Amina very intelligent, you know, very clever woman. How does this hadith conclude, she says the rasulillah even though the words changed on my tongue, my love for you stayed in my heart, my love for you stayed in my heart.

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And this shows us again, that in that moment of anger, in that moment of heat, people will say things that they don't mean things that may even that they may even regret. But at the end of the day, your relationship is built upon love, it is built upon mercy, because this is how Allah subhana wa tada describes it was anabaena Kumar, that omarama that he is the one that created love and mercy amongst you. He is the one that created love and mercy amongst you. So that is the basis of your relationship. You need to recognize recognize this and build upon that relationship. And this one, I showed you a lot. One guy is telling him that yes, even though I may get angry, and I may say things

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that may upset you. At the end of the day, I did that while in the state of anger, and not because I hated you. I did that in the state of anger, and not because I hated you. And this is something that you need to understand as a husband and wife as well. That in the moment of anger. The husband may say things he doesn't mean the wife may say things he doesn't mean but once everything has cooled down and calmed down, you need to express that love

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For one another again. And there's one last thing I wanted to mention. I'll mention it now. But you've heard the example of the Messenger of Allah slicer now. And I want to conclude with the experience of shopping the experience of shopping. There's something I want to mention earlier on, that when we talk about shopping between a husband and wife, the experiences are completely different. So wife will tell her husband, that Honey, I need to go buy a new pair of shoes. So Phasma is like fine. You know what, on Saturday, we're going to go to the mall, we're going to go buy some shoes. So the husband he plans out the trip to the mall, we want to play you know, park at

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this gate, the closest gate to the shoe store. There are three stores inside, there's three shoe stores inside of the mall. He's mapped it out, one's on level one and two are on level two, the shortest route is planted out, and he's good to go. They get there to the shopping mall, they parked the car, they walk inside the mall. Lo and behold, the wife sees a dress. She's like, Honey, let's look at the dresses, she sees the linens, Honey, let's go look at the linens, she sees the candles. Honey, let's have a look at the candles, she sees some perfume, Honey, let's go and see some perfume. Eventually, two hours later, they finally get to the shoe store. She tries on a couple of

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pairs of shoes. This is nice. I'm not sure if I want it. Let's try the next one. So try 15 pairs of shoes. an hour goes by they go through the whole mall. They haven't bought any shoes, and they're ready to leave the mall. The wife has this gigantic smile on her face, as if she's on top of this world. The husband is ready to punch his car. And he's like, What on earth? Did we just go through? What went wrong? What was the difference over here? Again, if you go back to our example of man wanting fulfilment of goal and woman looking after experience, the man's go for going shopping was purely just about buying the shoe. And he would only attain satisfaction if the shoe was bought. So

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the man when he didn't buy the shoe, he considers himself you know what I didn't fulfill my goal. This is like a type of failure. It's a type of my shortcoming. And he actually feels angry and upset. added to all of that is that we had all of these pit stops along the way that were a hindrance to fulfilling my goal that made it even more difficult for me to fulfill my goal. That's what's happening in his mind. From a woman's perspective, her ultimate goal was not to buy the shoes, never pay attention to the emotions, not the words, her ultimate goal was not to buy the shoes, it was to spend quality time with her husband doing the things that she wants to do. She got

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to try out some dresses, she got to try and some perfumes, she saw the linens and the curtains, she went and you know, and maybe had a nice meal with her husband. And now she's on her way home. What more could she wants, she has that emotional fulfillment. And that is why again, pay attention to, you know, goal orientation versus experience orientation. So that if you imagine a woman notices her mind is upset, it's usually because His goal was not fulfilled. And that is why he's upset. From a woman's perspective. She wants the experience and is not necessarily fulfilled, cared, does not necessarily care about, you know, the object being fulfilled or not, or the goal being fulfilled or

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not. She's just worried about the experience. Now what I want to conclude with, in some books, what I want to conclude with is some books that you know, marriage is a long term process. Marriage is a very long term process. And it is an a lifetime of just learning about the opposite gender, more specifically your wife. And you know, you may think that you have studied psychology, you studied anatomy, you've studied biology, you've studied all of these sciences. Yet, at the end of the day, you still can't figure out your spouse. So I want to share with you some basic books that within lightoller will help you do that. So the first is like a three set series. So I want you to

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familiarize yourself with the author's name and be the lights either you can look them up. They are Barbara and Alan piece. They are Barbara and Alan piece. And this is a three volume set. The first one is called why men don't listen. And women can't read maps why men don't listen, and women can't read maps. The second one is called why men don't have a clue. And woman always need more shoes, why men don't have a clue. And women always need more shoes. And this is on the topic of intimacy itself.

00:54:02--> 00:54:37

I'll tell you the name of the book, and then you can explain something about it. Why men want sex and women need love why men want sex and women need love. The important thing to understand about this three volume set is that the authors of this book are atheist, they clearly mentioned that they are atheist. So they're not even like any form of like practicing Christians. They're just completely atheist. So they don't have any concept of morality, any concept of ethics. And there are clearly some, you know, and Islamic concepts in this in the in this set of books. So I want to focus that, you know, you try to filter out all the Islamic stuff through the guidelines that you learned

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today and take all the applicable permissible Islamic stuff from it to be in the light Allah.

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Then the next book is probably one of perhaps one of the most important books if you're in a marriage right now. That is going through a lot of problems. Constant fighting constant argumentation, your constant of wanting to be away from your spouse. It's called the seven principles for making marriage work.

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The Seven Principles for making marriage work by dr. john Gottman by dr. john Gottman. And this in actuality, when I do my counseling services, a lot of the principles that I use are based upon this book. Now you will find some kind of law, these are things that you will find in the sphere of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu wasallam. The way the messenger also sort of dealt with his spouse's, a lot of these concepts are taken from that, except that it's not mentioned. So what we're really interested in cool is that someone who's like specialized in the Sierra, they read this book, take the principles, and then give like prophetic examples for the Muslims. So you can like Islam size, a

00:55:32--> 00:56:09

book like this, then this is the last book I'll mention over here. It's called the five languages of love, the five, the five love languages, the surrogate to love that less. And this is by Gary Chapman, this is by Gary Chapman. And this is again understanding the concept of love that how does one increase love and marriage? And then how does build one build upon that? And what are the things that actually break love down that meaning through the presence of these things? Love will not last. So these are some books that I would definitely recommend that if you're newly married, or you're about to get married, get these books so that you start off your marriage on the right track between

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lights Allah and Allah subhanho wa Taala knows best are some of our most cinematic I'm going to be in the Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam will open up the floor for question and answers. We'll take five questions later on. If anyone is man enough to ask the questions inshallah.

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Good.

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Okay, the brothers question is, are there any Muslim books on this? I want to share my experience with you that, you know, naturally when I came back from Medina, I had this vision in mind that I would teach for kanaky the day and night that I just want to sit in the master teeth that people forget nakida so I start off with an Akita classes, no one comes to them with a second, you know, people do start coming to the machine. They're like, you know, I divorced my wife accidentally, I was angry, or I'm not happy in my marriage. And all of a sudden, this is like, where my focus is going to be at Medina, you know, we learned the thick of it, we didn't learn the psychology behind

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it. So that's my story and slowly started learning it. And then I met this fantastic brother, most of you know him as Baba Ali Baba is Mashallah top notch brother. He has this project that he runs called half our Deen, which is like helping people get married. But part of the experience of helping people get married, is teaching them, you know, the differences between men and woman and how to be called how they're compatible, and how they're not compatible. And I was actually on a flight with him in Australia. And we came up with this idea that you know, what we call these books are recommended by him. I read these books. And I'm like, you know, what we need to Islamic by these

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books, because there's such amazing content in these books. But unfortunately, such some of it is so hard on that, you know, I wouldn't want the Muslim audience to read it. So the plan is with Knight Alibaba and myself, we are working on something right now. It's just about coffee from Allah, when will it finish in terms of other works that are available? There's nothing complete and concise. So in the Arabic language, Abraham has written a lot about love, even though Kareem has written a lot about love. But in terms of the husband wife dynamic, that's not what it actually addresses. That's not what it actually addresses. So I'm on I don't have anything in Arabic. And in English, there's

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nothing from this time perspective at all, not even about dealing with love. So it's something that definitely needs to be done. And we pray for our last topic. And that is

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the first joke I told you.

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Yes, yes, yes, yes. What about it?

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He will let the punchline Okay, tell us, I'll share the joke with you.

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Actually, here's another thing that you learn. There's like another thing that, you know, there's two types of five minutes that a man and a woman share the two types of five minutes that a man or woman share. And that is when a woman says Honey, I will be ready in five minutes. And when the man says Honey, I will be home in five minutes, though that's not actually a joke. It's actually factual. So you can laugh if you want, but that's factual. Then when the man says, I'll be home in five minutes, this is the equivalent of my wife saying, honey, I will be ready in five minutes, both of them will never be five minutes, there's going to be much, much longer than that. But at the end

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of the joke the brother was referring to I use this joke quite a bit. That's why they want to use it today. And that is a husband and wife, they've just started on the trip. And as this trip starts, they get into like a humongous fight a gigantic fight. And there's a lot of tension on the strip now. So as they're driving along the husband, he feels bad. And he's like, you know, let me break the ice with my wife. So he sees this tree. And he starts saying honey is in this tree. So beautiful. Leaves are so green. The tree is so tall, and the ones that just shut up and drive.

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Now time goes on. And the husband's like, you know what, she just like really hurt my feelings, man. I need to get back at her. So they're driving by a barn and you hear the brain of a donkey the barking of a of a dog The morning of a cow.

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You know, the husband was this time honey, let me guess the relatives of yours. And the wife's like, you're right there my in laws?

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That's the punchline.

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Go ahead.

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Excellent is family planning allowed in Islam. So there is a haram aspect and the halal aspect to this, the Haram aspect of this considers two things. So family planning is hard on with two considerations. Number one, that it is done out of fear of poverty. So, if a husband and wife decides that you know what, we're not going to have any children, because we can't afford to have children, from an Islamic perspective, this is not allowed, because Allah reiterating the Quran time and time again, that we are the ones that will provide for you. So doing it out of poverty is not allowed. Number two, is that if it is harmful to one of the spouses, then in that situation, family

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finding is not allowed as well, let me explain that. So the general rule on contraception, and I'll frame it this way, this is much easier to understand, the general rule on contraception is that contraception is allowed with three conditions, contraception is allowed with three conditions, number one is not done out of poverty. Number two, is that the type of contraception Oh, sorry, number two is that the permission of both spouses is there. So it permission to both spouses is there and number three, the type of contraception that is used is not harmful to either of the spouses not harmful to either of the spouses. So you'll notice that the most common type of

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contraception that we have in our time is what they call the pill. And what happens with this pill is that it delays are in postpones a woman's menstrual cycle. So sometimes she'll have the menstrual cycle will be very late. And other times she won't have the menstrual cycle at all. Now, from a physiological perspective, this has two negative repercussions one, it's against the natural state that she was created in and is very abnormal for her body. And number two, is that it comes with a whole bunch of hormonal side effects. So she'll get angry, very easily happy very easily cry for no reason, sometimes, all of these things will happen due to the pill. So the pill In fact, while it is

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the most common and most popular, it's not the most safe, it's not more safe, because of the side effects that it comes with. So what a husband and wife really wants to do is speak to their doctor and see what is the best solution for them. And you know, as long as it's not permanent, then with the lights under the contraception is Helen and it's not a problem. And that is based upon the hadith of Jabba the Allahu anhu founded Sal Bukhari where he said, we used to practice Eliza, while the Quran was being revealed the act of Eliza is to withdraw before climax, so that no pregnancy will take place. And this was during the Quran being revealed. And the Quran did not commit

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prohibited and based upon that it would be allowed and Allah subhanaw taala knows best question number four, go ahead.

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Who are the authors of the books? You're a bit young to ask, aren't you? But it's good you want to learn. So the five languages of love is by Gary Chapman. The Seven Principles of making a marriage work is by dr. john Gottman. And then you have the three series over here, which are by Alan and Barbara peace. So remember the word please. But without the L so peace is the word please, without the L those are the authors of the books. Last question bit later on, or forever hold your peace

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going once. Excellent fidelity alikum Santa Monica.

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So just one second, guys, please be respectful when I was talking about the messages question. Go ahead. Okay.

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Why can't you use contraception if it's going to use

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law, okay, that this is what I was afraid of. And I'm really glad that you asked this. So for example, in certain cases, and I'll explain what I meant by this, is that the general case is that if contraception is harmful, that the contraception wouldn't have itself is harmful, then then you can't use the contraception. That is what I meant by saying, however, if there's a circumstance where, you know, if a woman has another child, then you know, it may enter life or it'll be extremely, excruciatingly painful for her, then such a case using contraception will actually become logic in such a situation. So what I was saying was that using contraception is something which it's

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often in its origin foundation is permissible with these three conditions, that it

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it is not done out of fear of poverty, that it is not harmful. The actual contraception itself is not harmful to the spouse. And number three is is that it's done with consent from both spouses. That is what I was trying to say. Excellent. Good question, though. Just look at last question. Yes.

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Yeah.

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Excellent, good question. So the brothers question is that a husband and wife were using contraception and no contraception is 100% foolproof. So the the wife ends up conceiving at this time is she allowed getting an abortion or not. And the answer to this is that abortion at all times is hot on the general case scenario in abortion is that it is hot on at all times. Now there are two stages of the fetus, one before the soul is induced into it. And one when the soul is not induced into it, when the soul is not induced into it, the scholars have said it is still a sin, however, it doesn't reach the level of murder, it does not reach the level of murder. And after 120 days, when

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the soul is induced inside to the baby, then at this stage, if abortion was to take place, it is equivalent to murder and all the prerequisites of murder need to take place at that time, all the prerequisites of murder need to take place at that time in terms of blood money in terms of janazah in terms all that it needs to take place at that time. So before that it is haram and it is impermissible after that it becomes a major sin that you know has the prerequisites of

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murder, although I know I said last questions would go ahead. Last two and then we finished Go ahead.

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Yeah.

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I heard that.

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That's not okay.

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Okay, you're getting into a completely different realm of fuck that will not go to address. Is there a second question?

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Yeah, so in terms of when is the soul induced inside the baby? The vast the Hadith is narrated by Abdullah Soto, the Allahu anhu. And the Hadith. According to the vast majority of narrators, it says 120 days, however, one of the narrators he didn't marry as 120 days, he said 40 days. Now the scholars of Hadith the default over here, what is the correct version of this headache? Is it 120 days, which is the most popular opinion? Or is it actual 40 days? And if you look according to you know, medical sites, any collaboration with Hadith, it seems that the 40 days is more accurate over here, and not the common version of the Hadith that says 120 days, but this is you know, we'll

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discuss it more at the time of this class, when there's a difference of opinion that you should be made aware of, and Allah subhanaw taala knows best. Go ahead.

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Yeah.

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So

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that's a good question. We'll discuss it when we get to that time. I just want to emphasize that it is considered murder at that time. Abortion after the soul has been induced into the baby is officially considered murder at that time, and is a Kabira middle cupboard is a major sin from the major sins in Islam. And Allah subhanaw taala knows best we'll end with that. Somehow Nicola Houma will be handing a shadow in the Highland stock Furukawa to buoy Lake wa salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.