Loneliness After Divorce
Channel: Musleh Khan
File Size: 27.59MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh everyone. Welcome to this exclusive webinar titled loneliness after divorce. My name is brother Muslim Khan and I'm here on behalf of neasa helpline, which I'll talk to you about a little bit at the end of this video inshallah hoteller. So let's get right into this because we have an important subject, a massive, massive topic. And it's also an extremely sensitive topic. Not many instructors out there even talk about this subject of what it feels like to be alone after a divorce. So whether that loneliness is literally physical, or it's emotional, psychologically, what have you, and some of the coping mechanisms that we learned from
our religion, especially with the Quran, what are some of the things that the horror and teach us of how to cope with divorce? Now, we're gonna jump right into the subject to it, because it's so massive, and I'm sure a ton of questions are going to come out of this subject, but by all means, you can send it to me in Shaolin. I'll try to get to them. What I've been thinking about maybe for the last, I would say two or three weeks is just exactly where in the end do I want to start off this conversation? And interestingly enough, I went actually to Super to Baccarat first because sootel Baccarat is the suitor that introduced some of the academic rulings of talaq so I went there
and I started looking at some of the passages of how divorce is talked about in that sorta now one thing you should know about suits a Baccarat, it introduces the subject of divorce, but it doesn't complete it. So you'll have certain laws, certain procedures that, you know, both parties need to follow if they want to divorce, and some of the manners and etiquettes and the attitude and the things that need to be done. Even the procedure of exactly how a divorce is performed in Islam, all of that is found in that Sora. Well, when we're talking about how Allah subhanho wa Taala supports somebody who's going through that process, and literally giving you the tools so that you can keep
your focus, your strength, your sincerity, and all of the things that most of the time tend to fall apart in divorce. How does Allah subhanaw taala support that individual as they go through that particular process? So I shifted my attention to Surah number 65. And suitor number 65 is interestingly enough, it is called pseudo polyp. It's the chapter of divorce. Now why didn't I go there first, both of the surah So tell us a little taller. They're both Melanie sodas, suited. Baccarat was actually one of the early sodas that was revealed in Medina and sort of the tala came a little bit later. So if you put the two together suited to Bukhara introduced the subject of
divorce, where as soon as the talaq completed that conversation, so you'll see a lot of the rulings as a matter of fact, the first verse in sort of the fallout actually starts off about the waiting period and when that should be done, and so on, which is at the end of divorce when a divorce has been pronounced. And then if you fast forward a little bit, which is where our conversation will begin in sha Allah, Allah, I noticed that there was actually two verses, verse number two and verse number three, but not the entire third verse, just the beginning sentence, I noticed that there were three ingredients if you would like that anybody out there anyone who is listening to this right
now, if you've gone through a divorce, and even if you're in the process of going through a divorce, this sort of gives you three essential tools, of how to cope with the process. And then everything else that happens after divorce. So whether that be the loneliness, the post traumatic stress, all of those court battles and the stress that comes along with that. And even the biggest stress of all, is that if there's kids involved, how the kids are going to cope with this, how does the parents stay strong for their children, when the children come? They have tons of questions. They're confused, they're asking Where's mommy or Where's daddy, and they're only see them once in a while
dropping in, etc, like those little things and explain that to children. And these three ingredients I find will really give you in shot level target the strength that you need to cope with all of those circumstances. So let's begin at sha Allah. Now, as I mentioned to you sort of the polyp is a medini sora and the reason why that's important is that it was at this period of the lives of the sahabas around the love that they started to have marital problems themselves. There are many stories of them coming to the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam or coming to Ebner best sort of the Aloha home or even their own little deal love more and woman coming to different companions and
telling them about some of the things that they were going through some of the arguments and the fights and even one person came to Ebner best sort of the a lot more inhuman and told him I divorced my wife
equal to the amount of stars in the sky, meaning that they were going through so much like back and forth fighting after fighting, etc, etc. And he just started shouting out, I divorced her divorce, a divorce, etc. and ignore our best little deal love on him, I had to give a ruling with that. So there was this, I guess you could call it turmoil to an extent there was this family drama there were these issues with marriages. And they all started to manifest and become more and more rampant in the community and society of Medina. So now with that being said, I want you to pay attention to the first of three things that Allah subhana wa Taala teaches us of how you cope with especially and
in particularly when you feel alone, and you feel trapped, you feel there's no way out, you feel how come your life has come to this point. After all these years of marriage, after all of your time and your investment. This is where you end up. And then for a lot of times for some people out there they even question why would Allah put me through this? I went through the marriage, I did everything to prepare for the marriage properly. I even had my intention solely to please Allah subhanho wa Taala. And now here I am. I don't have a way out. Now I'm stuck. I can't find a job. I got to start all over again. I'm 40 I'm 50 years old. What have you right? So here's the first thing
that Allah tells us what to do. You'll love it. The first ingredient Allah subhanho wa Taala says, while may tequila eh Allah who Maharajah whoever has taqwa of Allah, then as a result, Allah will always give them a way out. Elijah, I love Maharajah, Allah will always facilitate a path out an exit from that situation. Remember, in context, this person, this particular verse is found in sort of the follow up. So keep it in context for a minute. Now you have somebody who's just finished a divorce, or they're in the process, they're in the battle. A love for says, Whoever has Tacoma. Here's a question. What's the first thing that people lose when a divorce is about to happen. And I
want you to think about just how divorce happens in this day and age, with the with the emails going back and forth, people are just you know, both sides are cursing at each other threatening each other, I'm going to take away all your property, I'm going to take the kids, I'll see you in court, then lawyers, fees, money, all of this stuff, it just becomes real bitter, real, real bitter. And then if it's not just between the two of them, then you have, you know, third party interference, whoever they may be, whether it be in laws, family, friends, etc, even community, you walk into a Masjid, you walk into a school, you walk in somewhere, and people are talking about you. Yeah,
that's the person that just got divorced. you as a person got divorced for the third or the fourth time, no one knows your business. No one knows what you've gone through. But all they see is the outer layer, all this sees what's in front. And unfortunately, in our day, in our society, people are very quick to judge that individual. Look at them, they've been divorced again, look at them, they're in court right now look at them, etc, etc. Or what's even worse, the worst stigma is that good people who have gone through a bad situation want to get married, but no one wants to marry them. Nobody wants to marry that person. Because why she may have two or three kids, she's 40 years
old, etc. Nobody wants to marry them. And it's really, really unfortunate. And it's really sad to see that even internally within the Muslim communities that for the most part, we've adapted the same attitude, where we've stigmatized this group of people, whether they be men, but mostly, they end up being women who are stuck with one, two or three children from a divorce. And time catches up, they get older and so on and so forth. And society just labels them that okay, they're not marriage material anymore. And that can have a you know, a tremendous and profound effect on that individual. They can lose all of their self self confidence, all of their self esteem, they would
feel worthless. And before you know it, it's people like us that they come to looking for that strength like why won't anybody marry me? What can I say? What can I do? And Subhana Allah May Allah make it easy for them and May Allah correct us in terms of our attitude of how we treat people like this. Now coming to this first point, Allah says whoever has taqwa, why is calculus so important when you're dealing with divorce and even loneliness after divorce? Well, like we said, the first thing is, is that this is usually the first thing that people lose when a divorce happens. And it's really, really difficult, especially mentally that when that process is over, imagine yourself
you're just sitting there. You're either at your parents
house or maybe if you're lucky, you're still in the same house. And you're alone.
There's no one to talk to. There's like your whole life, everything that's revolved for the last 10 2030 years around these two individuals, and the family, the children that you have, all of that now has been separated, everything now takes a complete shift. And it says, if you're reborn all over again, you've got to start all over again. Well, Allah subhanho wa Taala says, Listen, the first thing is understand that if you are conscious of me, you will control how you get through that process. So you might feel the need to respond. If you've been insulted or threatened in the process of divorce, you might feel like, gosh, I'm going to get him back. Gosh, I'm going to just write the
worst email ever. Gosh, I'm going to pretend I'm somebody else. I've even seen and heard stories of people making up fake accounts, to go and harass their exes, online etc, just to harass them make their life miserable. And so panela these are the people that you really just ask a lot or a lot, you're a witness to this. And on the Day of Judgment, those fake accounts come back right in front of their face, as a lead tells us in another surah that Yamato Kowloon fcnr, me let me hieromartyr out on that day, they will be placed in front of them, all the things that they've done will be more Dada. Dada means that you'll see your scale of deeds, both the good and the bad. And more thought
out gives the impression the illustration that when you look at that scale, you're going to be like, Oh, my goodness, all those fake accounts that I made up to harass him to make his life annoying, and to make his life difficulty, they actually showed up on my scale, they actually counted against me. So Allah is saying that the key ingredient if you want to get through this whole process, so we're talking about during divorce, as well as post divorce, all of that loneliness and depression that may potentially come along, all of that emotional chaos that's happening. All of those things start to heal the starting process, the ignition towards healing is taqwa. And Allah says, As a result in
this area, I will give you a way out, you won't know how yours you might look at your situation and think to yourself, this is impossible. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't know where I'm going to find the money, where I'm going to find the time, where am I going to live? How am I going to support myself? How am I going to find a job? Do I have to go back to school like all of these questions? What's going to happen to my kids? How am I going to drop three of them to school and then pick three of them back when they're all finished the same time? Then my daughter's starting college, then my son is that wants to get married? How am I going to do all of this? How am
I going to survive? Allah says listen,
you have certain things that you need to think about. But the first thing is so that you can find some clarity is understand that nothing happens except by my will, will make tequila. Whoever has taqwa, Allah will always give a give you a way out of all of your affairs. What I love about this area, this is the only surah of the entire Quran where Allah mentioned the sentence. And what's hula? Is it. It's not sort of 10 nissa it's not sort of Mario it's not suit earlier in Milan, it's not sort of the Baccarat or anything else. It's the sort of divorce, which is the one thing that most people who are married fear the most they fear that if a divorce does happen, how would they
recover? When would that happen? How would they see their life at post divorce? So unless is the first thing is I need you to have tough why you'll always see a way out. Okay, fine. Let's say that that's in place. Here's ingredient number two. It's actually it's actually in the same area, but it's in the conclusion of verse number two. So Allah says, woman, tequila is Maharajah and here's number two, while resume in high school I tested
this for me is just it's amazing. Allah says no. And I will provide for them in ways that they do not have the ability to comprehend or even imagine. So all of a sudden, you say to yourself, Well, you know what? I don't have any choice. He served me, you know, court papers. I've got to meet them in court. So let me see how I'm going to get through this. So you're going to get like a lawyer or something, right? You don't have money to pot You don't even have money to pay for a lawyer. So you're going to get one of those lawyers that the court gives you, you know, so you go through that whole process. And it's grueling, it's grinding, you're taking time off of your own job, etc. But
you're getting through it. And before you know it, one day, one case turns into another and things start to progress. Okay, fine. And then you start thinking about independence, like
I gotta get my life together. But I'm 45 years old, where am I going to work? What am I going to do, and then you decide you don't want them to go online, you start looking for jobs you apply for one could be anything, you'll just work at Walmart or something, right? You apply for a job, before you know it, you'll get called in for the job. And you start working, now you start making a bit of an income.
The point is, is that sometimes a low would place little things in our life. And each of those things connect to something bigger, and lead you to something greater. So it might look cloudy right now. But slowly, portions of that cloud start to disappear. And before you know it, while the sunlight starts to pierce through, and you start to feel that brightness, once again.
This is telling us that the second thing that people usually fear after a divorce is how they're going to survive. What is a, let's say, wire resume and Hazel, Leah tesam. It says if Allah was with us throughout that whole process, and he knows exactly what you're thinking, so now unless says, I'll provide for you, Oh, and by the way, you might think that you can't get a job because of your age or your status, don't worry, I'll give you a risk, you might think that the risk is not enough, don't worry, it's going to be enough. As a matter of fact, I'll give you even more than you've ever thought. And so the cycle goes, it's actually here in number two, where I have countless stories of
couples that I meet, who have gone through a really bad like a real nasty divorce. But then you after like a few months, maybe even a couple of years, you start seeing them alive. Well, they've recovered from the worst of the worst situations like, couldn't imagine being in that situation, unless you talk to the people who are in that situation and you hear their story. And it's usually here at number two, where they start to gain that strength again. So in order for number two, let's put this together. Now, in order for number two to work, you have to have number one,
you have to trust that the whole process of how you reach to this point is by Allah will. And so Allah does not want you to lose that connection, that at the end of the day, everything is still under his control under his will. And as a result alone will take care of you. Now, there is a side point that I want to mention here, which is really, really important. All of this does not mean that you can't go and seek help. So if you want to call up nissa helpline and talk to somebody or come in for counseling, these areas of like okay, you need to have Taqwa, you need to know that everything comes from Allah. This is not an indication that you cannot go and speak and get things from people
get help from others. It is part of our sooner than even our Prophet alayhi salatu salam, he would ask for help. He would ask for guidance, he would ask omoto the alumni of his opinion on a subject I will bucha he would even just before the Battle of or hood would sit with a group of youth and ask them what's their input? How do we respond to the mystery Kuhn who have mobilized themselves and they're making their way from Mecca to Medina, to avenge their loss in the Battle of better and he's listening to the youth. Then he goes to the Senior Companions and he does the same thing. So the point is, is that asking for help when you need help is from the Sunnah. The fine line is,
ultimately help comes from Allah subhanho wa Taala. And so the attitude is that when you go through all of the different channels to get assistance and help realize and always understand and never forget, that Allah subhanaw taala is ultimately the one that will provide for you. And this leads me to the third and final ingredient, which is actually the beginning of verse number three, and where Allah subhana wa tada says, woman yet tell what killer Allah Allah,
whoever has telecoil of Allah, then that is sufficient. That's enough haspel it means like, you've got everything. Now just let that soak in for a minute. Allah is saying, if you mess up with taqwa, which you and I we're going to have that we're gonna have these days where we feel worthless, we feel like we can't get over our past. And for some of you probably who are divorced, you might be thinking about your ex, you know, and you just, it just popped into your mind every now and then you might go to a place or a restaurant or a grocery store even that you you and your ex used to frequent a lot and it just even the apples they start reminding you of your ex you start seeing his
or her face. They're like everything around you. Understand
That you are not accountable for the things that are beyond your control. So our thoughts is something that's very normal, it's very natural, we can only control so much of it. But our Prophet Alayhi salat wa sallam told us that the pen is lifted from the one who forgets the one who can control their inner thoughts, all of these things, these are part of our DNA, it's a part of our fitrah, there's only so much we can control. And so what I'm trying to say is that, don't worry or beat yourself on the head too much. If you can stop thinking about that person. Even after you've remarried, that's okay. What you have to do is, when those moments do come, focus on all the good
things you have in your present life. I always tell students, and I hope that you will at least allow this message to resonate and reflect on it. I usually tell students that who either wanted to marry someone and it didn't work out or they married and they got divorced. Don't focus on what you're missing out with that person. But concentrate on what a law might be protecting you from. You don't know what your life could have been had you remained with that individual. And even if you can't see anything negative or bad about the situation, that's you, that's me and you. It's Allah is telling us here you need to trust me, just like how you trusted me, when you wanted to marry that
person, and you prayed all have blessed me with it with this person. And I gave him to you or I gave her to you. So just think about how the marriage began. Like this was your soulmate. This was the person you see yourself with, etc, etc. But we're human beings, right? We're limited. There's only so far we can think we don't know, we don't even know how to think about tomorrow, we have an idea we can plan. But then our plan can go the complete opposite direction. That's what marriage is all about. And so if you find yourself at this point, what Allah is saying, look, you can mess up on the first two. You can have your days where that consciousness and that awareness of Allah subhanaw
taala is weak. Okay, fine. You can have your days where you're complaining and wondering and thinking and constantly processing, how am I going to survive? Or this is not enough, okay, fine. But there's one thing that should always be permanent, is you should never lose telecoil or reliance in Allah subhana wa Tada.
The one who has taught cool, they stop complaining. They stop complaining about anything and everything. And so, with these three ingredients, I think in sha Allah who Tara and I hope that you as well feel the same way. that these are three things, three ingredients that will help you take a huge step forward in recovering and overcoming those times. In those moments of loneliness, where you feel alone and in despair and lost and confused. Go back to what Allah told us. And he told us number one, have Taqwa. I'll give you a way out. Number two. And remember, risk it ultimately comes from me anyway. So I'll I'll provide it for you. Don't worry you have Taqwa. I'm not going to just
abandon you. I told you to have tough one I told you as a result I'm going to provide for you so don't think that there's some exception with you you have it so you deserve it. But finally, if you don't get the first two are there become real unbearable difficult impossible, is one thing, it's naturally embedded it in in us in that is just trust him. I do want to close off with one last and final point. And this is really important. If you have ever been told, especially the sisters that are listening to this, if you've ever been told by anybody is that you know when you're going through difficulties just to be patient, just to hang in there and inshallah just make Dora if
you've ever been told these things fine, I get it, I get why people say that. Do not make the mistake of interpreting your patience as silence that you don't have a voice anymore, that you can't speak about your issue anymore. And that silence is better than having a voice. Don't ever for a moment mix those things together. What you should, what people should say when they're talking about being patient and just let a lot take care of things is that you still have to do what you have to do. You still have to get out there you still have to stand up you still have to move you still have to process you still have to work. You still have to make the effort. Allah says in the Quran
aeromedical work do things so once you get
to that part on one sort or the end of it that every one of us knows for solidity or a bigger one how Allah says that Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam pray for suddenly lira be pray to Allah. In other words like don't think that's just going to come naturally ignite yourself do something and process there and then you can start the movement again. And then Allah says in another beautiful suitor we all know for either photo hitter, fun sub so when you have a moment and everything starts to calm down for either thought all the time when everything calms down, fun sub, you know, you can literally give a whole hour lecture on what funds are this some scholars interpreted funds up to
mean to make Dora other said pray other said poor and other says Dora, other such so many things, funds up at the end of the day, and the end of the day literally is get up and start moving, get started going forward again, just do it.
So don't make this more difficult than perhaps what people may have said or made for you.
But being patience does not being patient does not mean to be silent and not have a voice. For our especially our sisters, you should and must tell somebody and speak about your situation so that you can develop the courage, you can unload all of that stress. And even if it's just unloading, you're not looking for anything in return. But you just need to talk about this find good people to do that with. And remember warmia tequila, Allahu Maharajah
Sukumaran Hazel atassi uomini a Tilak Allah, Allah, Allah who has more, take take some time and look at these verses in Surah number 65. This is the end of verse number two and the beginning of verse number three, absolutely profound. And I really, really truly believe that these are three main ingredients found throughout the poor and that would really help you cope with loneliness, and the stressor after a divorce. So with that being said, I want to conclude actually wrote down just a couple of things here that I wanted to share with all of you with respect to the SAT helpline. This is a collaborative effort with Nisa helpline, and as you all know, this helpline provides counseling
services for by trained professional counselors who are all women. And they are standing behind the these phone lines waiting to talk to other women out there who need just that shoulder of support and guidance. And they specialize in preventative measures to help save that marriage to help save that situation. They'll help you to guide you towards solutions and the things that you need to do, or the things that you need to stay away from. My point is, is that this is a remarkable, remarkable outlet for women out there across North America. If you really want to just talk to somebody, and you're living in a city or a community or a place alone, no family, no friends, and they said
helpline is your family, and they can be your friends as well. So think about supporting that and reaching out to them. The second thing is that
I would also encourage all of you is to donate this is usually the biggest challenge for most of these organizations is that it's not about having the right people behind those phone lines. It's not about training them. It's not about even initiating such a resource. It's about just keeping it going. And we live in a world where money talks. And it's really it boils down to my support and your support financially. So please take the time to really dig deep into your pockets and help support the Nisa helpline. They need as much of help and support financially as you can provide Bismillah hytera. And yes, you can remind them after this webinar and just read my resume in high
school I tested so this is your way of now saying to myself like that, hey, listen, you know we're gonna donate but always remember, Alo will provide and he'll provide from ways that you will never know where it comes from. You'll never comprehend where it could come from. And so with that being said, I just hope and I pray that this short message could uplift your spirits give you the confidence in the strength to move forward and to move on with your life. In sha Allah hoteller stay tuned I'll do another video in sha Allah about some very specific questions that need to be addressed as well on the same subject but with that being said, may Allah subhana wa Taala bless and
honor all of you keep you safe with most importantly May Allah Subhana Allah Allah bless and preserve telkwa in all of you, give you his of his that is a risk of Baraka and blessing and finally preserve and protect telecoil in all of our hearts and in our lives. Thank you very much take care of you when was Salam or aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato wabarakatuh