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Musleh Khan

Channel: Musleh Khan

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Episode Transcript

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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim

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al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah he sallallahu alayhi wa early he was gonna be here he married and buried the brothers and sisters Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

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You know, Mashallah the sisters you came up full swing, but the brothers miskeen man, we need some cat or something on the side here to encourage you guys, as the brother Ibrahim mentioned that tonight insha Allah, we have a short discussion, titled love and mercy. And this is a discussion related to the whole topic of marriage. If we do have an opportunity, we can also touch on some aspects of divorce as well. But inshallah, let's see how things go. And followed up after the lecture. inshallah, it'll be maybe about 4045 minutes maximum. And the rest of the time in sha Allah, I will take some of your questions and your concerns.

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You know,

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anytime you hear a topic like marriage, every time you hear a topic, like marriage, it's different for everybody. But there are some consistent principles that every single human being should have.

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Now, it's different for everybody in the sense that many of us may approach different marriage differently according to our status, according to our culture, according to our age, according to our background, according to all of these different factors. But there is very basic foundational principles that every single Muslim should have, when it comes to marriage, every single one of us, it doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter if you're this part of the world, or you're from Canada or from the west, or from the Middle East, it doesn't matter. And so that's what I want to start off with in sha Allah.

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There is perhaps the most famous a in the entire poor end, that talks about what marriage is all about. One of the most famous verses in the entire poor end that really lays down the foundation of what marriage is supposed to be. And it's a verse I'm sure a lot of you have heard it. And if you haven't heard, it's a consistent tradition if you'd like that whenever people get married, and they make their invitations, they usually put this verse on the invitation. And it's the verse in Surah, two room a a number 21 in Surah, two room number 21.

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Allah azza wa jal says one min a tea and holler Pilar comb, min and forsey come as wotja Lita, schooner, la her, and then Allah azzawajal continues and he says what john bainer Cuomo was telling a lot of man, even a few that he can to live homie get a fur coat on. Now this area here is so comprehensive. I mean, literally, you can teach an entire course on just this one verse alone. Just listen to how the verse starts off. Allah Zilla just says that it's from the miracles of a long marriage is a miracle from Allah. Because it's a miracle that you would be in this part of the world but your spouse, or your future spouse could be sitting somewhere in China could be sitting

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somewhere in the West could be sitting somewhere in the middle east and a low we'll take both of these hearts and bring them together. So what is that that is a Miracle Morning a tea. Now what's interesting is that Allah says a tea he, he attributes this miracle directly to himself. In other words, it says though Allah azza wa jal makes it a personal task among upon himself to make sure that a marriage happens. And a marriage can never ever happen unless Allah azza wa jal wills it to happen. Now, a lot of us here we may say to ourselves, well, that's common sense will, you'll be very surprised that a lot of the brothers and sisters when they want to pursue marriage,

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they start to write out a resume or a CV.

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It's like a grocery list of all the things that they want to get to. And that spouse, so he's got to be tall, she's got to be this. They got this background. She's got to be she I don't want her to be left handed. She gotta be

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Right turn it all of these really strange things. But Allah azza wa jal says that it's from His signs that at least two people's hearts will come together, and harder to come in and foresee come as larger. Now this is interesting, because Allah azza wa jal now says that because since marriage is a miracle, he says that I create these spouses from amongst you. So that clearly tells you that you're not going to have this this super human being spouse, but you're going to get somebody that's going to be very similar to you. Scholars, they say that this part of the verse here is what encourages compatibility. Whenever you look for somebody to get married to, you always want to look

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for somebody that's similar to you. It's actually very disliked in our [???]tier, it's very disliked in the Islamic law for you to look at somebody and marry them, when there are completely different pages from you. Let me give you an example. If a person is uneducated, has never gone to school, has never gone to high school, or has never gone to college or university levels of school. But they fall in love or become attracted to a doctor, or a high level engineer. Now this is great, you might think, well, these are just two different materialistic things, it has nothing to do with a relationship. Well, there's a problem that when both of you are sitting down, one person is always

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going to be in charge of a conversation, whether you like it or not, that person who is more intelligent is the person that's always going to find every loophole in your personality. And if he or she wants to, they're going to focus on those loopholes, they're going to focus on those weaknesses. And what happens, you start living the separate life in the same life. So you're both at home, but you can't communicate to one another. Because one person can't seem to understand your thoughts, your frame of mind, how you perceive the world, how you perceive marriage, how you want to live in this world, what kind of lifestyle you guys want to have, you just can't seem to be

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compatible with one another. But what happens is that a lot of people they get caught up with, it doesn't matter. I just love them. Or it doesn't matter. I just love her. She is a niqab he or she is practicing. And that's all I care about. That's the beautiful outer picture of the whole package. But you also want to make sure that you open that package and you look and see what's inside. When you look at a spouse, think of that spouse as like a box of jewelry. And when you open that box of jewelry, what do you see inside you see something very beautiful. But the point is on the outside, you can't make a judgment on what's the inside until you do some homework until you try to figure

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out what is inside that box. And the reason why I like to use the analogy that a spouse is like a treasure box or a jewelry box. Because if you do, dig deep into the personality of that person you want to get married to then insha Allah once you do that with a clear and sincere intention, and you do it because you want to marry for the sake of pleasing Allah azza wa jal, then you're only going to find something very beautiful in that personality. But then the next issue is, you found this beautiful jewelry in this person's personality. But then you have to take it a step further and see does that jewelry fit on me. So you need to now try this on. In other words, you need to figure out

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if it's going to be a perfect match for you. And like jewelry, you can take it you can go to the jewelry store and you can say look, this is too small or this is too big. So what you're going to do with this spouse is you're going to say to him or her I don't agree with this or I agree with this and you start to try to figure out how to make each other each other's personality fit. And this is something beautiful. This is something beautiful like beautiful gold and jewelry. And so brothers and sisters warming a tea and hello Pilar comin and forsaken amongst you. Now, what's interesting is that the fact that Allah says that I've created spouses amongst you, it shows that Allah does not

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care a lot doesn't pay attention to you marrying somebody from your same culture or somebody from your background. Allah just says unfussy calm. It's a general term saying it's from amongst all human beings all over the world. So if somebody from Dhaka wants to marry somebody from Japan, then Allah praises that marriage. If somebody wants to marry someone from a different tribe, Allah praises that

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Marriage, because remember, the last sermon, or the last lecture, if you like, of the Prophet salallahu it he was sending them that he gave to all of the companions just before he passed away. What did he say? He said that it doesn't matter if you're black or your wife, it doesn't matter what color you come from, it doesn't matter what your background and but the one thing that differentiates you from everyone else, is the consciousness that you have of Allah asila Jin. Now, where do you get that concept from the same verse, the verse starts off what from the miracles of Allah, that's Arpita. That's your belief. Allah wants you to perfect your relationship with him

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before you go on you perfect the relationship with that spouse. So you see how nicely all of this ties in Allah zoa gentle wants you to make it the number one criteria, that whenever you choose a spouse, the first thing that you got, you're going to look for is you're going to look for religion, you're going to look for Islam. But it doesn't stop there. Unfortunately, for a lot of Muslims, they become very restricted and closed minded with this one condition. And they feel as though as long as a person is religious, he's half of the Koran, or she's, you know, a full, devoted Muslim. And as long as we have all of these things, nothing else matters. You know, one of the things that was

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interesting is when I taught this course, this weekend, and the last two days, I had a couple of questions where some of the students, they asked me that they wanted to get married to a particular person. But they're not attracted to that person. I mean, they came and said to me straight that, look, I don't love that person. I don't feel that that person is beautiful to me. But they're religious and I want to marry them. What do you think? Well, lucky, I will say to you, I will never encourage a marriage like this, I will never encourage a person to get married to somebody that you are not physically and spiritually attracted to, they both go hand in hand, if you have one, you

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also need the other. Because those days when his recitation doesn't really impress you, or those days when you guys are having a big fight or argument, or those days, when you guys are not doing anything religious related or spiritually related, you're just having a good time you go out and you spend time with one another. What do you think is going to be part of that enjoyment? The part of that enjoyment is that you want to look at your spouse, and you want to smile every single time you see your spouse. And you want to feel comforted that when you walk outside your home and you see all the temptations and all the trials and the things that are out there. At the end of the day, you

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want to do what the prophet sallallahu wasallam said that anytime a person gets tempted to do something, how long with another person, go to your spouse, that's the way to extinguish desires, especially when you're married. So right away, I hope you see that I'm not going to focus on people or brothers and sisters who are not married. This discussion here is for all of us whether you're married or not, whether you want to pursue marriage, or whether you've been married in the past and you're a divorced person. Now, this discussion is always going to be for you. So the point is here, brothers and sisters is that when you look for somebody that has religion, what are you going to

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what are you supposed to really look for? Number one, you want to look for the person that practices fundamentals of the religion, when I say fundamentals, at least have the basics, the basics is not that that person has memorized the entire core and that's a luxury if you'd like that's a something that a blessing that Allah increases you with. But nowhere in the Quran or in the Sunnah of the Prophet Sall Allahu Allah with some that are reordered, you must memorize the poor end, because if that was the case, then it becomes a fundamental principle for us. But a person who does something like that, this year, they are rewarded accordingly. And of course, always on forever. A person is

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always encouraged to memorize as much for as they want, because the prophets I send them said on the Day of Judgment, you are going to be elevated in status, you're going to be honored on the Day of Judgment, based on how much more and you know,

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so if you know just one surah that's that's the level that you raise it. But then if you know, 10 sutras you, Your Honor, 10 times more. And then if you are a person who has memorized the whole poor end, then you will reach the highest level, the highest level of honor and praise on your piano.

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But the reality is brothers and sisters, not everybody can do it.

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But the point is, is that this first criteria is you're looking for the person that prays. And that takes their prayer seriously. You're looking for the person that whenever they get tempted or they see something hot on they know what to do they say stuff that Allah the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam once said that this world is cursed, a dunya meluna The world is cursed. melona Murphy had in the inner, so everything in this world is also cursed, except three things.

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Now this it's quite it's quite interesting this Hadeeth because the prophets I sent him says, The earth is cursed. But then somebody might sit and say to themselves, well, you know what? That's right. That's true. That place is cursed. This society is cursed, and they start pinpointing things. So what is the prophets I said them do next? Everything in it is cursed. So now you can point pinpoint anything anymore, because he says everything in it is cursed, but he makes three exceptions. Number one, Victrola the person who has a constant remembrance of Allah. Why is this so crucial in a marriage? It is so crucial for to have somebody that is constantly thinking about Allah

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in the sense that that person always know Allah is watching them always know Allah is listening to them. Because you know what, the next time there's a confrontation, that person is going to bite their tongue, it's going to bite their tongue in their whole back, they may want to say something that they know that they will regret. But because they are conscious of a law, they'll say I was a bit low. Or they'll say, No, I need I need a timeout. I'm going to go outside, I'm going to go perform, we'll do i'm just going to go and call my friend, I'm going to leave the room and go somewhere else. Why? Because they have the crew law. If you have this in the future spouse that you

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wish to pursue, then that is the first criteria you want to hold on to. Now just a side point, what if you're already married, and your spouse doesn't have the Corolla? How do you get him or her to have Victrola? Well, there's a number of things that you can do. And I will come to that in sha Allah as we continue. So I will discuss those of us who are already married, how to rectify some of the problems that you're probably dealing with. So the first exception is that people who remember Allah, they don't have the curse of Allah on them. Now remember, whenever we say, the cruel law or the remembrance of Allah, it doesn't mean that you say Subhana, Allah hamdu, lillah, Allahu Akbar,

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Masha Allah, you know, you just don't verbalize these words. The cruel law is much more than that. The law literally is everything that you do in your life with the intention of pleasing Allah. So for example, if you go to bed in the nighttime, can you get rewarded for going to sleep? Absolutely. How do you do it? You don't just go 10 hours earlier, make sure you have a nice comfortable bed or change the bed sheet then inshallah I get rewarded. No. What you do is you go to sleep with the intention that I want to rest my body that I wake up for salata ledger on time, or I arrest my bodies so that I can worship Allah, The following day, re energize myself for the sake of Allah.

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Then with that intention, every single time you go to sleep, you are being rewarded as though you're praying in your sleep. So the cruel law,

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then, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam gives the next exception to the curse of Allah. And that is he says, wha wha hoo. And the thing that helps you remember Allah, the thing that helps you remember Allah. So for example, imagine a brother, he walks out of his house, and he has his friend with him or sister, her and her friend, they walk out of the house, and one of the sisters or one of the person, he or she sees something hot on, the friend says to her fear of loss as to how to love you know, what is he or she doing? He or she is reminding that person to remember Allah, and so they are exempted from the curse of Allah. And then the third category. The third category is why the man

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or woman Lima, the scholar, or now this is this is so beautiful, because the Prophet says Salaam knows most of the people will never be scholars of Islam. So he says, Oh motera Lima, or just the person who is trying to learn about their religion. So you're no matter what you do, as long as you are devoted Muslim, and you practice the fundamentals of your religion. You are always

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medically amongst these three categories. So that's the first thing that you look for when you want to choose that spouse. But then the second thing is, you need to look for beauty in that spouse, you need to look for something that and this is not something to be ashamed of this is not something to be embarrassed about. This is how our natural inclination is our fitara is that we do have desires, and we want things to satisfy that desire. This is not something to be ashamed of. And unfortunately, there's a very strong stigma that's attached to this whole topic. Nobody doesn't want to talk about, you know, I find him so good looking, or I found I find her She is so beautiful, or

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I'm so attracted to that person. But nobody doesn't want to admit it or talk about it, but everybody has it, everybody feels it. So the reality here is the point that I want to draw from this second condition is that that is one of the strongest conditions to make a marriage work. You know, once there was a time when a companion of the prophets a lot he was setting them, he came up to the Prophet say Solomon said Yasuda law, I'm going to marry this woman, but I never saw her.

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Listen to what the prophets I send them tells him,

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I order you go back and see her meanings. Look at her face. And if you are pleased with what you see, then you can decide to marry her. So it clearly shows that this part of marriage is crucial, especially to make life happy for yourself and the other person. So you need both, you need a spiritual attraction. You want that person's Deen and that person's Islam, you want to love it. But in addition to that, there must also be a physical or an intimate attraction between you and that person, third condition that you're looking for.

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You're also looking for the person that comes from a good family. Because, unfortunately, a lot of people, whenever they get married, they focus on I'm going to have a new son, or I'm going to have a new daughter. But they forget that that son has a mother and father and maybe brothers and sisters who are also coming along with the package. Or she probably has she has her own parents and she has his own family. What does she do? She just leaves them on the side. And this is my life. Yes, you do have a new daughter now. But forget my family. No. All of this is part of building a relationship where two parties can come together and live in harmony. This is why some of the scholars they say

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marriage is not about two people coming together. But marriage is about two people blending with each other. Not just coming together. I'm from the east, you're from the west, let's get married.

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But rather it's I'm from the east, you're from the west. And let's see how we can live with each other. Let's see how this works. So you looking these two personalities raised from two different lifestyles raised from two different habits, two different cultures, two different countries, whatever it is, the point is you need to figure out how this works. That's why marriage is so difficult. Marriage is so difficult to I mean, I don't want to say difficult, but marriage is so difficult to maintain happiness in it. It's because it's just black and white, two different personalities, you're trying to mend together. But one of the ways to overcome that is to know the

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family that you get married to listen to my words, know the family that you're getting married to, not the spouse that you're getting married to. So know the family that you're walking into. Because you might marry a spouse that is devoted, but her mom and her dad or her brothers and sisters are on a completely different page, or they probably don't practice as much as their child does. This is a very common problem we all see this I'm sure we all know this as well. So you have to understand Can you deal with that or not? I know some some shifts if you'd like instructors who have met got married, but their in laws are not even Muslim. And they have to be able to know how to deal with

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that. They have to be able to know that when they go over to their in laws house, the radio might be blasting with like Britney Spears or something right? Like he's gonna hear this loud music or there might be a cupboard filled with alcohol. And they have to know how to deal with that or there might be a ton of pictures and idols and all these different things all over the house and they have to know how to cope with that. But what happens is that because people don't really a lot of Muslims, they might may not think that far ahead. What happens is it becomes too overwhelming. So when they get married, and they try to bring these two families together, they start seeing what's behind the

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curtain

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and then they

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Look, it's our life, we'll do whatever we want. You have no say, you have no say you have no input in anything that we do. This is a very Islamic attitude to delete your in laws and your own parents from your lifestyle to completely delete them. Why do I say this? Because Allah azza wa jal himself orders us to be good to our parents, that includes our in laws, our in laws have the exact same rights as our own mothers and fathers. There's no difference of opinion. I mean, we have many yet and a hadith to prove this as well. But we know this as a fact that the way we speak to our inlands, and if we decide to speak to them in a good manner, it's exactly like speaking to our own parents.

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And if we delete them from our lives, then it's as if we do the same thing with our own parents. That's the way it's counted in the sight of Allah, Isaiah, Jen. So you need to make sure that the people that you get married to you don't just focus on the spouse, but you look beyond that, and you focus on where that spouse comes from. Fourth condition.

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The fourth condition is that you want to look for a spouse

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that has a good reputation in their community. So they have a good status or reputation in the community. What does that mean? It means that I get you to help people always ask, well, brother, mostly like, How do I know that this person is genuine? How do I know that they're just not giving me a bouquet of flowers now, but when I get married to them that flowers turns to like raw vegetable or some?

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you get my point, right? So this beautiful decoration of turns to something completely rotten? Like how do I how can I see through that? I mean, to give you a more realistic perspective, basically, that spouse shows you the most perfect side of them the most perfect side of the personality. They're so patient, they're so relaxed, they're so beautiful, it seems as though makeup never comes off of her face. She was born with makeup, you know, just a perfect face. But then once you get married, and she takes off the makeup, you're like, oh, Allah help us, you know, I'll make this easy for me. Right? Or him, you start to see some of his other habits and how he lives. And you're just

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making to Allah guide him, you know, and used to be married for like two days, you know, I know a couple in Toronto that got a divorce. After one week, approximately, after one week, they got a divorce. You want to know what the problem was. The problem was that he came home from work one day, and he asked his wife for a cup of coffee.

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And so what she did was she took an empty glass. And she slammed it onto the ground onto the onto the table. And she says you go make it yourself.

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For miskeen brother, you know, just want a cup of coffee like that. That was it, you know. And then slowly this couple went to see a counselor. And you know, the wife walked in with with her hand around his arm, like she was dragging him in there. And poor guys like I just wanted coffee, you know? And look what happened to us here. And so panela what eventually happened is they got divorced because of this.

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Mole a small little issue became something huge. How do you avoid that? That's when you look at the reputation of that family. How do you figure out the reputation of a family? This is where talking to friends talking to people who know the family. This is where all of that comes in going to the different massages or going to the local Masjid and asking about Do you guys know this family? What do you guys think about this family? You know, because I'm considering to get married to so and so what do you guys think this is completely permissible and as a matter of fact, highly encouraged that you do this and you just want to find general information. You don't want to find me Have you

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guys ever seen her without makeup before? You know you don't want to find out or anything like that. You just want to find general facts about the reputation of this family. So for example, you go to a Masjid and you ask about this family and the Imam or whoever is there they say to you?

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Yeah, I know them but we never see them here. They will come here. But the impression that you got when you were speaking to that family was Yes, man. You know, we love Islam. We are so devoted to the masjid. We live in domestic we don't live at home. This is where we are all the time. So that gave you that impression. At least now this is where you can start to connect some dots. So pay attention to the status of that person.

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Fifth condition that you look for when choosing a spouse, and I'll stop with that topic and continue with another one. The fifth

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condition that you want to look for in a spouse is you're looking for a person who has responsibility, a person who is mature enough to handle the responsibility in a marriage. What does this mean? A lot of people, when they hear responsibility, they say themselves, well, I got to make sure that this child or this spouse, I got to make sure that they went to school and they have a degree and they can work at a good place a good company, good job, good income. So when I asked for my mentioned Bismillah, it's going to happen, right? So this is what they think about when they think about responsibility. Let me tell you something, brothers and sisters, a degree, an

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educational degree, really, and truly all it is, it's an academic skill, that you go and learn to perform a job. That's all it is. And a lot of people think that just because you have a degree, that's, that means you have intelligence. I know plenty of doctors that are actually the worst husbands and wives, these are doctors. But when you go to school and you study a skill, all you're learning is how to perform a job. And you don't perform that job 24 hours a day, but you're married 24 hours a day. So a certain part of your day is devoted to just performing that skill, that doesn't mean that you have intelligence, that doesn't mean that you're going to be a great spouse, that

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doesn't mean that you have responsibility. So what do you look for? And this is really important, because unfortunately, a lot of parents have this in them that as long as this person is good in the sense that they have that academic education, I got no worries, I have no problems to worry about anymore. This is where all the problems begin. Because you've restricted to just a skill rather than restricting it to a lifetime of responsibility. So what are you looking for? What are you looking for? When you when we say this word responsibility, you're looking for the person, that when problems come up in a marriage? So this is these are some of the things that are talking about? What

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would you do in this scenario? How would you handle this case? based on those answers? That's when you will know that this person has a mature way of thinking, let me give you an example. Suppose you ask the family, whenever we have problems, how are we going to deal with this, and the family says to you,

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I don't know we'll just ignore it

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was we'll go to the park, you know, we'll go We'll go out for dinner. And it'll just go away and extinguish itself. That's when you say said I'm on a call. And that's when you say it's enough. But if the family or the spouse says to you, well, this is what I'll do, I'll probably sit down and talk to you about it, or probably sit down and try to figure out where the issue is. Or I'll probably take some time, speak to maybe my parents and figure out how to overcome these problems, I'll probably do that. But maybe what I will do this is the key guys, is you want a spouse that will say I I'll try to figure it out myself. You don't want to you can I mean, this is good, but you don't

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want that spouse to focus on he or she has to rely on others to get out of their own problems. You want the spouse to try to do their own thinking, to be proactive in their own way and to try to figure out things in their own way. First, if you start to see

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indications of this, then realize and understand you found somebody that has some level of responsibility and maturity in them. The second thing when it comes to responsibility that you want to look for, is you want to look for the person that has their priorities intact. That person knows that my number one priority is I need to make sure that my husband or my wife has everything they need to get through each and every single day. So for example, for the husband, our job is to make sure that our wives have everything. Wives, this is where you're supposed to say Oh, well.

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This is what. So you make sure this literally means

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everything that your wife needs. Sorry, sisters, it's not everything that a wife wants. It's everything that she needs to live a normal, healthy, stable life. So she has some medical condition, you need to provide the sources for her to overcome that medical condition. If she's a person that's very weak or she comes from a high life family, then you need to provide a

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way of living that's similar to that. Let me give you an example. A lot of people don't know this. A lot of people don't know that. What if I marry somebody and he or she, more particularly it's for her. She comes from a lifestyle where she had everything

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She was rich, she had a servant, and she had no problems with money. But then the husband comes from a very poor family, and they had to struggle and work for everything. According to the vast majority of scholars, that husband has to provide her, that same lifestyle, give her the money that she has, or give her a servant if that's what she grew up with. He doesn't say to her, now that you're marrying me, we're gonna go and live in the slums you know, we're gonna go into this is how it's going to be known. If it's mutually agreed, that's different than that's you say, Bismillah. And, you know, rely on Allah tala kilala. And go for it, if you both agree on it. But if one spouse says,

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No, this is the way it's going to be, that's when you say no, I don't need that. That's that that's taken away the right of that other individual, that person. So the first primary role as husbands is that we make sure that we give all the things that our wives need to live a healthy, normal and stable life, when it comes to the sisters, when it comes to the wives and what you do for the husbands. And then this is where we say obedience comes in. Now, this obedience, a lot of people, when they hear this word, they hear this word, they say they think to themselves, great, I'm a slave now, all right, that's not what it means. Obedience is a good word. Obedience is a praiseworthy

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attribute that a woman has, because what she says that when she's obedient to her husband, that's the way that's the strongest language that she speaks to her husband, to say that, I also love you, her strongest voice is through the obedience in her actions. Now, this is not talking about problems, I know that there might be some husbands that may take advantage of that, and you use your judgment, you know when to go see a counselor, you know when to that it's going too far, you know, when it becomes abuse, or this or you're forced to do things that you don't need to do use your judgement about that, I will, I will leave that with you, I'm just simply talking about the

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fundamental principle that if your husband says to you, I really don't feel good about you being in that house, or going with those friends, or I really don't feel comfortable with you doing this or doing that. This is where the woman is wedge it for you compulsory that you give that to the husband, but if the husband says to you, I really don't feel good. And I really don't feel comfortable that you write with your left hand, we need to change this, or is this whole marriage is going downhill, then that's where you that's where things get a little bit silly, but this is where the obedience, you know, things need to be talked about, right? So the point here is, that's the

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primary role of the wife is that you try to fulfill those needs and those obligations with your husband. So in sha Allah sisters, the next time your husband does want a cup of coffee, and Bismillah, don't just throw the cup on or something. All right, so Bismillah. So you have these two primary roles, a couple of more, and then we move on to another subtopic, when it comes again, to the primary roles as husbands and how we treat our wives, after we provide everything for them. The second thing is husbands, you need to have some sort of emotional understanding for your wives. What do I mean by this? If a wife wakes up one day, and you're sitting in the kitchen or in your room,

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and you're just doing your work, and the wife walks in, and she's crying, because she just woke up, and she just and she's already in tears. And you're like, what's wrong? What happened? You guys had a great, you know, evening out somewhere, everything was fine. You went to sleep happy, and she woke up in tears. And the wife looks at you. And she says, I want you to divorce me right now.

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What do you want? And here's where the problem starts, is this you start to take every single thing that she says, at a very serious level. Now listen to this concept very carefully, and you'll you'll be able to connect the dots. She when she comes to you and says I want you to divorce me. You can't divorce it just because she said so. And especially because she woke up in a bad mood. That's not a valid reason to divorce. But here is where you need to strengthen and equip yourself with a little bit of patience, and a little bit of emotional understanding. She's grinds and she says, You know what, you're the worst husband, I hate you so much. And I want you to divorce me and you have some

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Why, why? Why? And she says, because I saw in a dream that you were with another woman.

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I don't want to talk to you no more and she just leaves and poor husband. He's just sitting there.

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doing his paperwork and he's like, Oh my god, what do I do? Well, here's where the problem is. The problem is, is that he goes up to her and he says, You know what? Fine, I divorced you.

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That's where the problem is. You see, husbands.

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The prophet SAW the love while he was suddenly one of the reasons why he gave us why he gave us the ability to divorce. I mean, a woman can come out of a marriage, but not through divorce, she comes out in other ways. So the reason why we were given that responsibility that we can say a divorce to a woman, is that because we are the ones that have the responsibility to understand how to use it, because the reality is, no matter what we say, brothers or sisters, the reality is, is that for a woman, this is the way Allah created her that emotionally sometimes if an ant is crawling on the floor, but then he crawls the wrong way, she might cry, want to go that way for you know, like, she

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might get very upset with that. This is not because something is wrong with her. This is because this is the tenderness in the beauty and the beauty of her personality is that Allah azza wa jal created her with why is that important for us? That's an advantage for us. That's a blessing for us. When the prophets, I send them got that first revelation and gibreel came to him and said, Ecuador, and he says, Man, it'd be potty and he says, I can't read, he comes back. And he said, God, it comes a second time and says, read. And he says, I can't read. And the third time it happens, any candy, and then the revelation starts, right. But then when all of that was over the prophets, I send them

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this is one of the few times in his entire life, he was absolutely scared. And he feared for himself. He was so scared and so upset, who does he go to? It goes to is, it goes to have deja. But what I want you to say is that he goes to his wife, and he goes to his wife, he doesn't go to an uncle, he doesn't go to an auntie, he doesn't go to a friend. He doesn't go to anybody, but he runs to his wife. And if you think that that's enough, he doesn't just go up to his wife. And he's just like, you know, I had a rough day, he goes up to his wife, and he and he tells his wife xmd Looney. This words, MD Looney in Arabic is also used for a plastic bag, a plastic bag, this is what you also

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call it as well, why is that important? Why do I tell you that just think of what the purpose of a plastic bag is. The purpose of a plastic bag is to protect your items from any evil elements that are around, you want to make sure that it's always safe, clean. And even if you drop your plastic bag in a puddle in a puddle of water, it's protected. So what he wants from his wife is to have her protect him, make him feel as though everything is going to be okay. So you see brothers, it's a blessing for us that our women, the wives, they are like this, that the wives have that tender nature in them. But the point is, is that you just have to know how to see through when it's real

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emotion, as opposed to when it's when she's just breaking out in tears, bad night, you know, small problem became a big issue for her. How do you deal with that? Be patient, that's all. So if your wife wakes up to you one day out of the blue, and she says divorced me, that's when you take your wife and you say, Look, just relax. Let's go have breakfast, let's go do this. Let's go. Just relax. Talk to me. And you come for to your wife. And you show her that you yourself can also be affectionate to her. You yourself can also be understanding about her emotions and her needs. The number one thing that scientists have proved over the ages, the number one thing that a woman loves

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from her husband is she loves for him to listen to her. She loves for him to sit down. And if she wants to talk about why the sofa is blue, then that's you. She wants him to listen to that. And a lot of husbands Unfortunately, they will sit down listen to her, but their body language will say can you please fit it? Yes. Okay, we'll get a black couch and shoulder you know, like they're just sitting there and you just can't wait for it to finish or she wants to watch a romantic movie. But you want to watch an action clip. You want to watch something with thrillers. So these are the things where the whole give and take process happens for the sisters. The second fundamental right I

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should say that you want to give the husband we mentioned that the first one was obedience. The second one that you want to have with them. Is that you yourself you want to protect the honor of your husband. You want to protect the honor of your 100

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What does that mean? It's very simple, intuitive Nisa, Allah azza wa jal says that you want to protect the husband's honor when he's not there. So when he's gone to work, when he's out in the field, when he's in the farm, when he's trying to do that work, he also he always needs to be at peace of mine, that his wife is the same wife that he left that morning, she's not a different person,

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she's not going to bring somebody in the house that he is going to disapprove of. He's not she's not going to take advantage of that moment, where he's gone, then she can invite a friend that he hates so much, that he doesn't want this. And these are the things that you want to pay attention to you protect his honor, you protect the trust that he gave you. Now, this goes hand in hand, but it's more so for the husband. Because the husband naturally we do this for our wives period. But there's more emphasis for the wives that you do this for them. Why? Because a woman is not obliged to go and work and provide for herself. That's the husband's job. So naturally, he's always going to be in her

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absence. If the woman wants to, that's her choice. If the woman wants to work, then she can go ahead and do that. But if the husband says, Look, I'm making enough money already, and you don't need to work anything, if you need some money here, I'll give it to you, then that's where she says, Okay, fine. I'll enjoy my vacation in my house, it's a blessing, take advantage of it. Sisters, if your husband says, I make enough money, just stay home Bismillah and just enjoy it. Let's move on to another subtopic. And this insha Allah will be the final one that I will conclude with.

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So we know that marriage is a miracle from Allah. And we know that it doesn't matter where we come from, as long as we find a person with all of those conditions, then this person insha Allah can be a spouse for us. And then we also know or we have an introduction to certain rights and responsibilities from husbands and from wives. The last thing that I want to bring your attention to is in that area, that same verse and Suda to room area 21. It says there to Allah azza wa jal says the whole purpose of why I made marriage, Lita schooner, La Jolla, wa Jalla Bay Unicom, Mo Wada and Rama, three things are mentioned here, not to a lot of people think it's just Melinda and Rajma. But

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they ignore that the first part Allah says, Lita, schooner, la ha, that's the that's the first one. So you have three things here to focus on number one, Allah azza wa jal says, The tests qu la hem, this word test. scudo comes from the word second. And second is the root word for Sakina, which means peace and tranquility. It's interesting that before Allah mentions Mahwah and Rama, a very dry translation of a MOBA and Rama is love and mercy. That's a very dry transition come to that in a moment. But the fact that Allah says that you need to have peace and tranquility, before you have love and mercy. A lot of people think it's the opposite. I need to fall in love first. Before I can

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see myself living with this person, absolutely. This goes against the verse, the verse starts off, can you see yourself living with that person? Can you see yourself living in a life where when you guys have problems, you can work this out? Can you see that that person can take care of you? Can you see that you can give the responsibilities and rights to that individual. That's what Allah wants you to focus on first. Then the next step is Melinda. Melinda, what?

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A lot of translations, I mean, in English because English is such a weak language. The strongest word that we have in English to describe our that emotion is we translated as love. My what that is 100 times beyond love, it is 100 times more deeper than that concept of love. My What does isn't everything that love entails? And in addition to that, all the responsibilities that you need to have to maintain love to maintain that love in a marriage. That's also morada. Why is that important? Because if one day your husband or your wife is in a really bad mood, Mo what that tells you that you can just say to yourself, she's having a bad day, he's having a bad day, just leave him

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just relax. I still love him, or more what that tells you that if he wakes up one day and he says something to you, that really hurts your feelings. My what that says

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he was just upset. He didn't know what he was saying. Let me just over let me give it another chance. So when that caught that whole coffee incident, the old problem with that is they didn't have mawatha in that marriage. That was the whole problem. So the moment an issue came up, they jumped to a conclusion and they made a rash decision.

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That is the kind of divorce that Allah hates. There's a hadith it is a weak Hadith. I mean, it's discredited by the scholars that Allah has thrown shakes when divorce happens, or the most hated, or the bad, or the most hated thing about marriage is divorce. These are all weak Hadith, we don't accept them as an authentic source. However, the wisdom in the Hadith is authentic. In other words, don't be careless about divorce. That's the wisdom in that Hadith and that is authentic. So you want to make sure that you have my word done. And Allah azza wa jal is and what dude, he is the source of that love, he is the source of molad. So how do you get it you ask Allah azza wa jal for it. The

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students when we talked about surah Yusuf yesterday, remember that section about Dora? And remember we mentioned that part of having your door accepted by Allah? Is that to call upon Allah with his name and attribute that complements what it is you're asking for? So if you ask Allah Oh, Allah give me what more than you're asking. Yeah, and we'll dude. And we're dude, bus me with my Wada. And then finally, we have mercy. molad de or this love should automatically lead you to mercy. But the idea doesn't give you that impression, because Allah says, What Giada Bina Khun ma what de and Rama? It doesn't say Mo, what, then Rama? That tells you that these two things have to be hand in hand. Now

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what does it mean when we say you have to have mercy in a marriage? Mercy is all the things that we were talking about mercy in the sense that you can overlook mistakes, you can overlook shortcomings, and you can pay attention to the bigger picture. You know, once there was a time when the great companion or automotive dental hottub or the alohar him.

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He got into an argument with his wife. And he was sitting in the home and his wife started screaming at him. And she started to curse at him. And she started to saying, I hate you. You're this and you're that there were two men that were walking outside of our motor home and they overheard. That's how loud she was screaming at him. They heard her voice outside. So oh man walks out. And the two men were there and said, Yeah, I mean, a leader of the believers, you are the halifa. You are the you're the companion, that the prophets I send them said, if there was going to be a prophet after me, it would have been our own model. Like this is the status that you have. Why would you

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allow your wife to speak to you that way? I'm not had Rama for his wife. So look what he says, shouldn't I be grateful? She cooks for me, she cleans for me, and she takes care of me. She gives me that emotional comfort that I need. Shouldn't I be grateful. That's why his wife described her described him or model his wife said about her model. He is like a lion outside. Meaning he's he's very strict. He can protect himself and his family. But he's a little baby kitten inside the home.

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He's a little baby kitten inside the home. So you see when you have Rama, you know when to show that aggressiveness and you know when to stop.

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One of the things that sisters that women they love the most. And as a matter of fact, maybe even some husbands as what we love this as well. We love when our wives or our husbands do those little things show that little attention that little love and mercy sometimes that speaks 1000 words of beauty to us. So in sha Allah, what I wish to conclude with Bismillah is that tonight, those of us here who are married, remember that all of these points that are mentioned here you yourself can use it to rectify your issues and any problems that you might have in your marriage. For those of us who have spouses that are not practicing, the first thing that you want to do is you need to sit down

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and have an honest conversation with your with your spouse, you need to have an honest conversation and bring out those issues. Don't just think that tomorrow inshallah after I make Dora you know, I revelation will come upon my spouse and he or she will change. It's not how it's gonna work. And the students when we talked about telecoil yesterday, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You need to put some of that effort. You need to try to strive and put some of that sweat and tear in your marriage. That's your marriage. She is the mother of your children. He is the person that is designated allies. So Adele said the prophets I send them said Jenna is going to be in his hands

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depending on how you behave in front of him. A woman can enter any door any door in paradise.

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dependent on how obedient she is with her husband. If the woman goes to sleep every night and the husband is upset with her for that night, Allah sends down his angels and tells the angels curse her the entire night. So what does that mean? That means try to work out problems as much as you can. Don't go to sleep with problems on your head. And honestly, it doesn't matter. Let me tell you, if you need to stay up all night, to work out your issues with each other, go ahead and spend all night because that is your marriage with Allah azza wa jal, that's an Amana that you have with Allah azza wa jal, that's a trust he gave you take care of it and make it a priority in your entire life, I

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will do anything that I need to do to make sure that my spouse is happy and content with me at the end of the night. And if it means that I have to sacrifice some sleep, to make sure that this harmony works together, then so being it. So husbands, stop off at the flower shop when you go, when you go home tonight, sisters, don't wait for your husband to ask you for that coffee.

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Tonight.

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And if you want to a biscuit or something, just fill it out, right? Do whatever you need to do. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam once said that when a man takes a small piece of food, and he puts it in his wife's mouth,

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he is rewarded as though he just took some money and he gave it away in charity. All because he just fed his wife. If that was me, I would my wife will never have to eat alone. She never has to live her, I will just feed her for the rest of my life. Right. And the way we understand the Hadith is the same thing for the wife as well. The same thing, if you just say, Come here, let me give you a spoonful of rice or whatever and you do it for that purpose. you're rewarded with sadaqa you're rewarded as though you just gave charity in the sake of Allah azza wa jal. That's why marriage is such a blessing. And I want to conclude as the final final point, I know I went over my time, I want

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to conclude and say to all of you, that marriage, if a person comes to you and says that when you get married, your life goes downhill, that person is talking about their own marriage and not yours. Because while law he still Malala he still know Allah, He, I tell you, if you marry for all the reasons that we mentioned, and you uphold the responsibilities of all the things that we mentioned to you, your marriage will feel like you are living in a garden of Paradise in this world. And that is exactly why we get married. We don't get married to make our lives difficult, but we make our lives more beautiful. It becomes more tasty, our life becomes more delicious in this world. The real

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beauty the real taste of this dunya is that all the fitna and all the trials that are surrounding us, when you turn on the news and you see all that headache in front of you. Your marriage is the ultimate medicine that you have to say, You know what? I can still be Muslim, I can still continue. Regardless of all this happening around me. My marriage can still give me that comfort that I can still be a devoted Muslim and slave to Allah subhanho wa Taala brothers and sisters dukkah May Allah azza wa jal Bless you all for being here. And I thank you all for giving me the opportunity to share just a few words that people have told me everything that I mentioned to you is these are the things

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that I was taught. These are the things that the scholars in Medina they taught us. And so all I did was just transfer information and I shared with you may Allah subhanho wa Taala bless all of you that are married with a fruitful marriage. And all those brothers and sisters who are not married May Allah azza wa jal give you a righteous spouse, and May Allah azza wa jal make that that spouse be a person that encourages you to be a tepee a person who fears a lot in this world so that you get his gender in the hereafter. Thank you all for your time. And I thank you all for your indulgence. I thank you all for your patience and will love I thank you from a heart that loves every single one

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of you for the sake of Allah, I thank you for welcoming me in your city and welcoming me in your community and welcoming me in your country. I thank you all as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh