Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari – Marriage Break-up, Separation & Divorce

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the challenges of marriage, including struggles with hardship, fasting, and alcohol. They emphasize the importance of finding one's own happiness and finding one's own happiness in life, finding one's own happiness in life, and avoiding jealousy and malicious behavior. They also stress the importance of practicing apologizing and maintaining healthy relationships, finding one's own happiness in life, and avoiding disappointment in relationships. The conversation is personal and confidential, with the customer expressing frustration with a letter and a negative experience with the company. The agent apologizes and promises to follow up.
AI: Transcript ©
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to like him

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and having to learn everything either mean or salatu salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi

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foreigner with environmental Turner was in Himachal Loma Davin with Nia

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in a team of

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special brothers and sisters Saddam already come around to why he died.

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First of all,

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I would like to

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thank the organizers of today's or this weekend's very important event

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Jamia hard to win the beam

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and its patron with this shrimp seafood Islam, Allah protect him and all the teachers

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and everybody else involved in arranging this program mashallah very important topic that has been discussed, so honored and privileged for me myself to be here. This is my first time and actually don't come to bat for that often. But

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very rarely I think that we've just delivered two talks, I was talking to a brother okay with me that I think in the last 1015 years, I think twice and we once had a university and once it was just coincidence, it was a big problem with question. Money came and he was supposed to come late, and they just call me just stood up. So it's very rare, I come to this blessing, Sharif of Bradford, Mashallah.

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My first time at this place, shall say from Islam is actually a colleague of mine used to study together in the same class as well.

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Quite a few years. We're talking about some very, very important topics

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before me, mashallah give you a very insightful talk. What was his copy the title,

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parenting, probably retraction, family and society. Interaction.

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Mine, my topic

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is a bit not so pleasant topic, because it's about balance and divorce and separation.

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But if you want to be pleasant, you can be pleasant with everything in life. So this topic, even though

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it's not really a pleasant topic, marriage problems, and separation and divorce and punishment, although I will try to make this in a way that is pleasant, because not everything has to be bitter and sour in life.

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You can find the positives in everything.

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This is a very detailed topic that requires many different angles to be covered.

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About About About a month ago, I think.

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I think what over weeks ago, I came to this area in New York, this is Yorkshire, this Huddersfield. And I had a talk in Huddersfield, on the same kind of topic, separation, that divorce was like a good three hour program.

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in that talk, I actually prepared 10 different points. 10 different reasons why we have marriage problems. 10 different reasons. And this is just based on of course, Quranic guidelines and Prophetic teachings. But some of experience that I've had with dealing with all of these cases on people that I find these are the 1010 major reasons of divorce and brown that takes place.

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And I went through them, I spent a lot of time covering the first five, six, in detail and time was short, and the last four or five, were just like, had to just spend two minutes on them. So I thought to myself this time, but let me start from number 10. So I could cover the last five properly. And then maybe the first few just very quickly, we shall love because this be recording this on YouTube anyway, that talk. So these are some of the reasons which create problems. And then I want to talk just briefly after that about the lab itself.

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Now, marriage, and I've been teaching the course of marriage and delivering talks of marriage for the past 10 to 11, how many years? We talk about marriage all the time. And that's why it's important to talk about divorce and marriage problems and how to save a marriage.

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Nobody said ever in the history of mankind, that marriage is going to be absolutely pleasant journey with no hitches are no problems. If anybody thinks there might be somebody who's on video, but I'm sure it looks like everybody's married. If anybody thinks his marriage is up

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We're all going to be just hunky dory, like we say and just all pleasant and just just all pleasure, no problems, then that person is deluded. This dunya itself is a abode of trials and tribulation. This dunya is an abode of trial and tribulation, everything. Bliss is only in Jannah. We have three worlds. Dunya Jana and Johanna Jahannam is only misery sadness sorrow, Jana is only pleasure, bliss happiness. Dunya is a combination of both and everything in the dunya is a combination of both in the macro seducer with hardship has difficulty, so every aspect of life which includes marital life, regardless of how good the person you are, how practicing you are, how great chef, you're how

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knowledgeable you are. You could be a psychiatric you could be a counselor, you go to the counselor, he has some issues in his marriage as well. Everyone there's nobody, even the Umbria had issues in the marriage if we are the marriage the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam contemplated once divorcing his wife to Elena with Derek Coutinho. Surrett Kunis are often jameelah when continue to renew our school

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for a number of identity marks anatomy or Lima and so he even some prophets actually did divorce their wives Ibrahim peace upon him, advised his son is married and salaam a year after the verbeke which meant that divorce your wife so he divorced his wife upon the encouragement when advice of his father so this idea that marriage is just going to be all you know before because before most people think you know don't think about marriage you know, being my wife and B hotel B's will be walking hand in hand we'll be counting the stars in the field and you know, of course you can do all of that countless stars you know, go in and look at you know the stars and make the near the Sunnah of the

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Messenger of Allah and He will send a waiter for Karuna 300 Some hour they will run

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the Quran Allah pm rule and do the liquor with your with your spouse, with your husband and your wife. But it's not just that there's definitely pleasure and happiness in marriage but there's hardships and there's difficulties that's there's responsibilities the striving the struggling the so many things are involved. And this is why when people don't know this people don't get told this then before marriage they have a lot of different expectations. I was one saying this in a talk about how much reward there is Annika marriage how much reward there is in Islam. On marrying all the variety of Nikka I was covering all the edits Hadith one Hadith 200 304 on the fog island the

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virtues and benefits and the rewards of marriage and brothers to coaching students you can ask your question and said yes. He said what he said, you know, after listening to all these talk about so much reward for marriage, I'm just thinking to myself in Islam, all the things that give you a lot of reward all of them are hard and difficult. hardship. Waking up professional is difficult five times a day is difficult. fasting in Ramadan, especially in the summer is difficult hydrogen, and that's actually in the Hadith would you want to know who Shahnawaz are for Jupiter agenda double mercury. In order to enter agenda you have to go through difficult things. It's filled with

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difficulties hardships you have to practice. And Hellfire is weld when apparently pleasing things. Zina is apparently pleasing, and just earning money how you want stealing robbery, theft. Gambling was just apparently crazy, temporary pleasure. So Hellfire is veiled with pleasurable things. So he said, I understand this. I think what I said when he said this, I said yes, that's right. This isn't a hadith actually. They said, I don't understand one thing that's an exception, it looks like there's so much reward in Nicaragua is so amazing. This is probably the only exception that you get so much reward. And it's not a difficult thing. I said, Brother, you married his nose.

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And ask you after you get married, that, let's see if you say the same thing. And this is a reason why there's so much reward in the car because it's, it's a muda it's a jihad in itself, with your spouse, don't start doing proper intelligence. But it's a Luigia it's a struggle, you know, not that type of jihad. But it's a struggling and it's, that's what this whole marital life is about. And therefore, because of that, it's very difficult. We have to struggle. Some people, looking at every part of our life, for some people is more of a struggle than others. This is the axiom of Allah. In every aspect for some people, Allah has put in them a lot of love of dunya and someone has less than

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of dunya. Another one who's got a lot of excessive level of the word dunya. That person has more of a challenge more of a test more of a struggle. In this aspect of how to earn Halal money is very easy. He wants to earn haram money because he just loves the dunya world so much. Some people have an anger problem. So their test is in the anger issue. There's one person who's just born like your mama was already says, some people are born with good luck. So you're either born with them, or you have to strive to acquire them. So the one who's born with them, you can't say to that person equally. The other person can't say well, you're lucky or fortunate

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Allah made you know, that's this is your challenge here, but maybe he's got something else he's probably got a very excessive lustful nature that it for him to stay away from haram, sinful activities and shame shouldn't shameful things. It's very difficult. Eventually, it all balances out people have different different challenges in different aspects of life. So likewise, everyone goes through problems in marital life. But for some people, there's going to be a problem. For some people, there's greater challenge. For some people, there's less of a challenge, somebody has a one style or somebody has a mother, you know, you know, it's difficult. Not everybody has a mother in

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law, sometimes it's difficult. So you have to manage the situation. Some people, you know, the doting knows, good, and some, sometimes the naughty was not good. So everyone goes through stripe struggles.

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And there are many reasons, like I said, I had these 10, you know, points that I covered, you know, that create these problems in marriage problems will occur, but how to manage them. The first one, which is number 10, in my list was, which I did not discuss in too much detail is that

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out of all these 10, and I'm sure there could be many others, but generally broad 10 main reasons why we have marital problems and conflicts and disputes and then separation and eventually divorce. Out of these 10. This first one is the one which is something which is beyond our capability capacity beyond our doing, it's beyond our control everything else, from number two to number 10, we can manage and we can change ourselves and we can do something about it. But the first point is something we can't really do anything about it is you have to do this before marriage. And this is what this is beyond the capacity of human beings, which is everything else is perfect, but no

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compatibility between two people.

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This is why before marriage, Islam encourages to find a spouse that is compatible to you and compatible to you who you are getting who's getting married. The man and the woman who are getting married, they need to be compatible. First and foremost, there may be families. The problem today is that we want compatibility or maybe even if those two are not compatible, the great granddad from him the great grandma here, they need to be compatible. Like the whole, this is a problem in our communities, the 202 families they are married, get these two, whether the wife the mother things or whether the wife is good for my son or not. She has to be good to me like she's married me than

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before, you know, marrying him. And this is a problem and I'm going to come to that point anyway. Family problems but compatibility.

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This is a problem that creates problem when there's two people that could be the best two people on planet Earth they could be the most pious and most righteous and most practicing and the most well mannered than having the absolute most urgent character the model judical Badaga of the timer neuroglia sorry of the time yet there could be divorced because there's no compatibility. This is where you say we can't do anything. It's just two people no chemistry, no connection, no compatibility, no understanding just true different people. It's just sometimes two different people can work as well actually two opposites you know, sometimes have good connection, but it's just the

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the makeup the formulation here is just not working. And this is where Islam says this is the only time where Islam says you go for divorce. Because other things you can change can manage. You can change things here you can't change. And this is why before marriage, you need to find out who's compatible and who's not compatible. So you don't know as you said, Allah already was sort of money advice seminar, you bring the body for the loved one once. He said yeah, I do it. He wasn't saying got it. He's introducing Yeah, it oh, I need

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three things do not delay. And one of them he said when au in Virginia, cough and when you find a suitable a suitable person, for non married woman, and don't delay, marry her. This is what we call Kufa, compatibility, suitability, extremely important before we will get married. This compatibility suitability doesn't necessarily mean that you both speak you know, Bergoglio of Punjabi or majority or you're from the same caste culture, it may help. Sometimes it does help, but not necessarily so especially now. He doesn't necessarily mean like I say this, I've said that I read this thing, and I was wrote about it. And you know, the saying that sometimes there are two there's a couple of days.

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They have the same mother tongue yet speak different languages, and some have a different mother tongue, but speak the same language.

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We understand that people have breakfast.

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Sometimes they have the same mother tongue, yet they speak different languages. And some couples have different mother tongues, but speak the same language.

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Because they're not on the same wavelength. They could both be, you know, speaking Punjabi, I told but they're not on the same wavelength. He talks and she doesn't understand what she says he doesn't. It's just to two completely different misunderstandings because the way of

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Talking just outlook on life, you know, understanding of life interest of life goals of life aims and objectives of life. She likes to read books, and he likes to jump up and down, she likes to, you know, just relax at home, and he likes to, you know, just go all the time outside and she likes, you know, to go to sightseeing nature, and he wants to just go to Dubai every day and every week to see buildings to different people. You have to have someone, if you both like nature, you both have the same understanding you both like books, you both don't like books, they both like traveling or you both don't like traveling, intellect. So these are the interests of compatibility in different

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things. One is interests of time is very short.

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There's so many things. So this is just one aspect interests of life. Number two could be intellectual compatibility. compatibility is divided into aims and objectives and interests and likes and dislikes of life. And number two, intellectual compatibility is very important.

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You know, intellectual compatibility is very important. You have to be mentally, intellectually on the same wavelength. If there's no intellectual compatibility, sometimes it can work, if, for example, you know, one of the spouses is willing to just submit that it can work, but sometimes when you have the intellectual problems, you don't understand each other intellectually.

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Yes, like one wife once, when she emailed me, she said, I just find in her bank, in her words, I just find my husband too dumb.

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Don't say that, say in a nice way. But that's what she wrote. Because I just want him to talk. It just, I just can't do it. It's just

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so it's sometimes happen. And some husbands they find that their wives odd. It's just there's no compatibility. This person is intellectual. He has a different way of understanding things and outlook on life and dealing with things. And she doesn't just get it. She just says yes, yes, yes, no problem, then you will make work. But this differences in compatibility from an Archon intellectual compatibility is also problematic. So number three, there's another type of compatibility but just leave them because requires an explanation. And there's time for it. So this is one reason no compatibility, and therefore it's important to make a right choice before marriage

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beforehand, find out is there compatibility. It doesn't necessarily have to be from the same caste, etc. But there needs to be compatibility. Number two,

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number two wishes given and we all know about this anyway.

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One of the main reasons why we have problems in marriage is because we know Allah will not bless the marriage, they will know volcania marriage if there's no deed in the marriage, when we say deed doesn't just mean praying. A

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lot of people who pray they have problems in marriage. A lot of people you know, when you count on a job and grow beards and problems in marriage, we've restricted D. That's the problem with restricted Islam. We've restricted we all have our own notions of what practicing being a practicing Muslim is for some people in the current age that said, I am 97.5% Muslim. As soon as I read the new card that said, I've done 97% of Islam done now two and a half percent here, maybe because we're gonna call the card is 0.0000 0.1% of Islam.

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It's seriously it's a very small part from the teachings of Islam. It's not even. Okay, let's do that.

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It's one, but it's not absolutely but three as like the hijab is but that's another discussion.

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So, there's so many aspects of what is practicing what is practicing demeaning. Taqwa. That's why the time of Nikka why do we recite Why does the Imam recite the hotbar of Mecca which is conferred with on hijab? Why does he recite three verses of taco here evenness of the Quran Bakula? The halacha community

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Xhosa over time in Houma, regering cathedral, Marisa would not have been able to have gone it could have been in other if you already know Takuma who lose especially fear Allah about your tongue, or ordonnance Anita is going to die and the last one

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univee nominal tabula Hakata quality for the tomato in 11 tools do a lot of times you know, we don't understand you know, the Imams should whoever is delivering the ceremony should actually translate these verses every single time. explain these verses tell the person Oh brother, bridegroom whoever is getting married? Why am I reciting this I'm not just doing some mentoring somebody fun. We live in our body for a while obsessed with body for anyway. This is not just a body for that I'm just reading a non citizen blessed blessing things happen. Why am I reading this? What's the what's the objective? Why as the messenger of Allah when he sort of made this? These three verses that have no

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mention of the word Nikka has the watch in them. Why has he made these three verses of sunnah? Because it's reminding the bride the groom the parents in law from both sides of the both families, everybody that you know what if you want to make this marriage work, there's only one thing and that is you have to have duck

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While in your life, if you want to make your marriage work, you have to have top one and what is Taco taco like I said it's not just wearing the hat, taqwa is the consciousness, the food, the understanding the realization, that before I do anything, or I say anything, I will be answerable before Allah subhanaw taala. Every time I as a wife, open my mouth, every time I speak to my husband, I will be asked by Allah, if I am screaming, if I am nagging, if I am shouting, if I'm swearing, you will like this and you don't do this. And you you know, some Nickleby women do that as well. You know, it happens all the time, whether the coffee or lunch club in university has gone.

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Every time I speak, I opened my mouth. Allah will question me, this is why you're not sure if or even somebody has to come to speak to him he would.

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He wouldn't respond straightaway. He would look down thing and then talk somebody asked him move him on why do you do that? He said, had the hierophant and the hierophant Khademi OfficeSuite I think what is better to speak was better to remain silent. So that the homies before doing anything, I am conscious what even half of Amara btw gender time, the woman who fears his lower than I will disarm. How have I spoken to my wife, I normally call this a lot of the the close man have mentioned this a lot about his Sheikh who was Doctor of the AR, if you remember that. He once said that I've been married for 55 years in 55 years of my marriage. I have never raised my voice of my wife's voice

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from imagine 55 years and then he I heard this as well, no talk of it. He said that. This is what he told us. And then his wife, the chef's wife, Dr. AR, if you remember, his wife said, My wife asked that not just because it was him. But he asked about this. She said yes. Not that he's just not raised his voice. But he's never even told me to do anything. He's never instructed me Give me water not even a glass of water.

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I of course willingly. I try to do it and I will do it. But he's never done that in the marriage.

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This is what you call this Kurama you know, we think the big chef is right okay, mashallah masters carving and big. So, Allah who would not say you become a big shot, the greatest Kurama is what? Living a life of 55 years look at the sin of the messenger. Salallahu Alaihe Salam, that's how he was condemned to Nebia Salallahu Alaihe Salam crashing and singing and has been learning things from accordingly often caught, never said the word woof to me. Never said Why did you do this for something I shouldn't have done and why didn't you do this for something I shouldn't have them. Look at you know, sometimes I didn't even read the zero seriously. We are so far away from the zero the

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messiness of Allah yourself in every aspect of life. We need to go back to study the zero. For every Muslim the real example. Your student has a gun and a gun screen now he puts it on has a role model before us is the Sierra is the summer of Allah's Messenger, salallahu Alaihe Salam, we need to read that not just seer of how we kind of had to have that's fine as well, good of course. But along with that fear of weakness of Allah is an economy regarding his current his generosity, his his humility, his humbleness, his how he used to say I eat like a slave eats Coca Cola, Coca Cola and how he would have shifted as well. He will go to the market as well as if I become a chef. I can't even walk in

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the markets. That's what the Bush School used to say, Man, you couldn't tell him she could as well. You know how he would walk and not two people used to walk behind him how you would be like no one charges and no, this will know that a simple human being of simplicity, every aspect of his life.

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Let's see how how are we in relation to that? That's the judge. We need to judge our lives, our eating life, how much chicken meat we eat, and how much did he use to eat?

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Now what is the greater the more we the more than we're eating? That's totally contrary to the Sunnah of the messengers alone when he was alone. I shall do about when I say it's too much is to pass by not nothing cooked on the stove.

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How much meat you read. Kind of Buckler who was on Russa equal

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eating excessive food is a big problem. You know I mean people there's too many restaurants in Bradford and sorry, somebody has a restaurant I don't want to stop your business each other there will be somebody someday eating from the restaurant but you know this living standards, how did he live at home? The simplicity we want matches one buildings, one beaming bed. How do they live? How did he eat? How did they walk out in the tube? That's what we need to bring back into our lives. And seriously once we do that, it just makes a massive difference. To Taqwa if we want Baraka in marriage, we taqwa and Taqwa also means that Taqwa fearing Allah does Skia you know working on the

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Removing. Sometimes we think, Oh, we've got married and marriage problems why this happened? We have to realize that sometimes our own fault we haven't rectified our souls. We haven't worked on our souls have I removed all these illnesses and diseases of the heart

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jealousy. If just one example this this is why it's a test Kia reforming of the soul has is a very important obligation in Islam as a direct link with marital bliss. Someone who has jealousy they have not worked man or a woman on the heart of removing hassle. Jealousy maturity has it in the hazard. Now you'd be married you'd be jealous with everybody. If the wife has a disease of jealousy, she'll have a sister in law's got something

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someone's got their so why did they have a baby and why do they got a big house? Why do I Why is it her husband taking her to this holiday? Are you jealous with everybody?

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This is because this jealousy is a disease it harms no one except the pass it

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likely if the husband has jealousy, he is going to be jealous love of dunya is a spiritual disease. Every time a woman has a love of dunya every time she sees a handbag she has got 4500 beds and all she wants 46 handbag she's got 25 pairs of shoes, she wants another pair of shoes dunya dunya dunya husband who's got love of dunya will be greedy We won't give money will be too busy earning money and not giving time to his wife or family. So these are all spiritual diseases. Taqwa does care all of these things are very, very important. And practicing demon Islam and one last part of this point and I've been focusing on this quite a bit is part of this gear is what we know the most important

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thing of desiccators Caves you know, working on the soul what's the most important part of this

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country control or some new ones?

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That's there as well. But like the most important part like if somebody said what's the most this is probably the greatest teaching of our D That's what all daddy's books dumped in that

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last sincerity so he'll Buhari in Mr. Mulleavy Nia, most of the Hadith books. When we talk about it last insincerity. We think we need to be sincere. When we pray, Salam on Sunday, you ready for Ashoka? Whoever prays to show up and you should pray for Allah don't show up, do a talk, don't show up, you know, do work for the individual. We restrict a class to just that. Eros is not just a badass, it's just not full. fasting and praying, not showing off and having

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sincerity is not just to do in worship. It's even to do with our interaction, social interaction. You give somebody a gift, it must only be for the sake of Allah, without anything in return, hope of a return without an expectation without any name without any fame without nobody needs to know. You are good to somebody. This is why Raisa rasa will McCarthy in the meanwhile, say the lady that

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the real maintain of the ties is not the one who really pays back who repays pays. But the real maintain of the warm ties is the one when people cut you off, you maintain ties. This is so important in every relationship I have all the time, you know, people emailing or phoning

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somebody's wedding. So then I do this, this this this I'm very good. I'm not. They will also say, you know, I'm not an angel. I'm not an angel. I don't have an enforcer. But but he's like, this is like that is like this is like that is like God, he's like, I do this. But he's not doing that. I said, Since when was this a transaction buying and selling transaction. Everyone, every relationship, you scratch my back, do not scratch your back. I'm not

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literally, you could be literally, if it's your husband, when you scratch my back, then I scratch your back. If he knows customer back then I was Crusher. But if you're good to me, then I'll be good too. If you're not good to me, that will be good too. If you smile at me, then I'll make a video. And if you don't smile at me, the video is gone.

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This is the problem the whole every relationship. Islam says this is a golden rule, if you want to be happiness world is made ourselves such that I am here to serve and nothing else.

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Everything is for serving. I am here to serve my parents, whether they're good to me or not. Who cares? That's between them and Allah, if they want their reward, they'll be nice to me, but they don't have to. I'm not expecting anything. I am good to my wife. For the sake of Allah for the pleasure of Allah for the reward from Allah. It's all about you. If you're a husband, you go into marriage, you say it's all about you, yourself. You not me myself, and it's all about you. The wife says it's all about you. I am married. I am not marrying for my needs. That will come anyway. But if everyone takes it upon themselves as poor What about you?

00:29:45 --> 00:29:59

Recently in my marriage courses, the summary I say finding what have you learned for two days? This is what people say. It's all about you. Everything in marriage, and every relationship. It's all about the other person. When we make every relay

00:30:00 --> 00:30:37

Shouldn't ship about the other person, everything is like I am here to be nice, be gentle, give a ball give rights for the sake for the pleasure of Allah for not for nothing else and for nobody else only for rewarding outcome that if your other person is not giving you a reward your rights then you won't bother to adjust. That doesn't mean I'm saying that, okay, you get oppressed and be you know, oppressed and even if your husband punches you and abuse you and still no, of course there are limits, you can restrict that but all these problems because we think it's a transaction, if you're nice to me, God be good to you when is nice to be their own be good to everyone is waiting for

00:30:37 --> 00:30:45

return. It's like a It's a transaction, it's a game, it's a business deal. Don't make marriages that record that kind of a deal. Make it

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all about the other person. To the point. This is tiny, short, to the to the extent that even listen to this carefully.

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Even intimacy and sexual relations with our children. Yes. What Alex? Even intimacy and sexual relations, you probably had a session on intimacy, okay. I'm sure there's a lot of things but I don't know if this part has been covered. Because this is a salient point. Intimacy has to also be about your partner, your husband, your spouse's, your wife's pleasure, are not about your pleasure.

00:31:26 --> 00:31:31

If you want to make intimacy, an absolute, ultimate level of intimacy,

00:31:32 --> 00:32:09

then you don't worry about my desire, when when do I can gratify My pleasure, my pleasure, you are there. If you're a husband, I am spending all this time of intimacy just for the to fulfill the rights of my wife because it doesn't fulfill us right. And I want her needs to be fulfilling. I want her to get pleasure and I want her to be pleased. I likewise, the wife makes the same intention. And you will see the difference. I'm saying this not from my pocket, okay, well, kind of maybe it's based on the class anyway. But I've got this, this came to my mind. You know, there's a hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. I've not read this in a booklet so I'm just saying this

00:32:09 --> 00:32:28

is my understanding of that. Is that what he called? Sexual *? Sadaqa. We both be they consider each one of you fulfilling their sexual needs is sadaqa charity. He called * as charity. I have a book on sexual relations as well as I've got a heading in this * is charity.

00:32:30 --> 00:32:31

Now what is charity?

00:32:33 --> 00:32:33


00:32:34 --> 00:32:55

Selfless? It's all about giving. Charity is all about giving. Isn't it? When you say someone, okay, let's give each other charity rather than say, Okay, give me money. No. It's all about giving. Charity is all about being selfless is all about a person's soul about the needy. It's all about another person. So with equal sexual relations, Son of God that shows that it's all about giving.

00:32:57 --> 00:33:35

Giving. So therefore, make the whole marriage based on Taqwa dusky, sincerity, giving, not about taking number three, which already I kind of covered, but I want to just quickly move fast, because time is short. One of the reasons why we can talk about two points compatibility and not practicing Islam and not having double, etc. Third reason why we have marriage problems is the obsession with wealth. And we'll talk about that in the second point. So I won't go into detail level of dunya, money issues, wealth issues, money, you know, a lot of people have problems because of money. Why is the you know, give you don't give me enough money, or you're not earning enough. Comparing

00:33:35 --> 00:33:54

marriages, one of the worst things for you to do is compare marriages. Every human being is different, everyone's different do not compare marriages, you can't compare marriages. So comparing marriages, love of dunya needs to be avoided. Number four, because I'm going backwards, 10 987.

00:33:56 --> 00:34:04

bad attitude. And this also are talked about in the seconds, you can cover it in there. Another point without your company can start numbering them for one to

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outside interference. This is a big issue. I don't know if somebody did somebody cover this. But okay, just briefly, and this is why Islam says that, look, the wife has a right to live separately. This is a basic right, even though it goes against some culture. But this is the basic right? If a wife wants to live separately, separate cooking area living area, and the husband has to provide that this is part of her. And actually many scholars, like for example Accumulo, my mother should be telling him about his time in the 1950s and 40s or 30s. In the 40s. In the 30s. Whenever he was teaching, he actually advised and encouraged that in our times, it's not suitable for children to

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live together. Actually, you live separately, there'll be more, there'll be less problems and hearts will be closer and you will see that there will be amicable relationship. That doesn't mean some people when you tell them this, they think that that means that you know what, okay, you know, I'm going to go and live on the moon and Mars and my parents will be in dunya and everything in my life. No, you can live across the road.

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Exactly measurements on a graph that everybody mashallah lives just you know everyone together you just got a house across our next door neighbor just go everyday to your parents house, but give outside interference and that's a big issue you should tell people both wife and husband sometimes wives have this problem, every single problem, pick the phone up, boom Mazmanian spider we come on

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every Oh, you know, a breakfast time he was doing this he was doing that. Don't be a woman and be a man.

00:35:28 --> 00:35:29

Woman call me a man because

00:35:31 --> 00:35:48

we somebody like, you know, you can't start complaining about every small thing. Do not get other people involved unless you have to do not get other people involved. This is very, very important. Don't get other people involved. If you want advice, let's say hi go to somebody who is

00:35:50 --> 00:36:02

not related to somebody unbiased, some you can get intermediary from somebody. But sharing every problem sometimes other people create problems. Sometimes a woman is in a

00:36:03 --> 00:36:36

more example of a woman because women get more influenced easily than men. This is the nature of men have certain qualities, women have certain qualities, it's actually a good quality of woman, it's not a bad quality, you see look into look at everything positively. Getting influenced easily is a very good quality, in essence, that she takes on board very easily. That's why when she gets married, she easily embraces her husband's ways and teachings and guidelines. This is a sign of soundness and a sign of purity and cleanliness of the heart. So women generally they are very easily influenced because they're very clean and you know, clean hearts, they're not rigid. So therefore

00:36:36 --> 00:37:18

they can very easily influence and therefore if someone else talks to them in a perfect marriage, but someone says something, a friend sponsor on WhatsApp, two hours of conversation on WhatsApp to like in the middle of the night talking. If I Was Your give your husband if I was you? And if your husband he starts crashing Do you think I should do is just that's why the Hudson whoever turn someone away a woman, men have dug the numerator against her husband is some karmic, have you been his warning for that person of punishment. Do not get involved in other people's marriages do not give sincere advice, but never start telling people that oh, you need to leave your husband, you

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need to leave your wife the follows you throw him out and follows you or just pack my bags and go home while you're doing this and that let them deal with when someone's happy in the marriage the way they are. Someone else makes puts it in their head. And then she starts thinking oh, yeah, actually mean it's true. You don't even think you've got problems until someone tells you you got problems.

00:37:38 --> 00:38:03

So this outside interference, family members, sisters, brothers parents, it's a big, big, big issue. And that creates a lot of problems in marriages. And finding just quickly this few points, but I don't have time. I'll leave all of this. And I mentioned two main reasons. The first and number two, which I talked about in a lot of detail. One is that we have to realize men and women are different Allah has created men and women differently.

00:38:04 --> 00:38:06

Read the book Men from Mars, Women from Venus.

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Because men and women are different. Look, marriage is going to be difficult. Like I said, Why? Because before marriage, we are all individual people. We living alone. We sleep in your own room. Maybe when you were young, you're sharing, you're sharing same room with your siblings. But there's no kind of that's closeness, Liverpool, no diverse local muntoni Barcelona, you want to either with anybody where you're sharing the same rooms and bed, same live, same children, same thoughts, same ideas.

00:38:41 --> 00:38:50

Any two human beings together there's going to be conflict, because we are all different. That's why the Hadith in solidarity and Muslim will let you haul it on US West.

00:38:51 --> 00:38:54

Cairo middle Muslim Isla de la Johanna to nurse when I speak

00:38:55 --> 00:39:29

of Allah or you send me saying this hadith or a believer who intermingles with people interacts is socializes and therefore has to go through hardship and difficulty because feelings are hurt is better than a Muslim who doesn't live and socialize with anybody. And hence his feelings are not hurt. Which means that there's if you don't want nobody to hurt your feelings, you just go in a desert on top of a mountain and just live there. That's it. Nobody will hurt your feelings. But this hadith is saying that as long as you're going to live with somebody, then without a doubt, your feelings will be hurt. What do you do about it the Hadith saying do Salah so therefore because every

00:39:29 --> 00:39:57

two human beings are different, we will look different. We all sound different goals. Our fingerprints are different we think differently to people are different. And that in marriage is not just even to people there's two genders men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. These are two genders. A woman thinks differently. A man thinks differently. A woman deals with problems differently. A man deals with problems differently. A woman talks differently. A woman talks metaphorically. If your wife tells you you never take me you've never taken me out. That means that I like to go out to the

00:39:59 --> 00:39:59


00:40:00 --> 00:40:13

Now if you haven't realized you haven't, this is why we need to learn about instinct. You know, a lot of times and this is actually based on a hadith I talked about this in my this I have 40 Hadith book on marriage as well and there's a hadith where the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said about, you know,

00:40:14 --> 00:40:51

and Morocco took a delivery in a counter Kasota Wade is the data we have is some data of Ebola or the Allahu reading's Bukhari Muslim, a woman. Allegedly Salallahu Alaihe Salam said, a woman is like a rib. If you tried to straighten her you will break if you want to enjoy her enjoy her with the crookedness. That doesn't mean she's crooked. What this hadith is trying to say I've got to overcome mentions that this is not condemning women, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling men that from your angle, women may look different. And the beauty of the woman just like the beauty of the rib rib is in it being bent. The beauty of the woman is in her being different to you more

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fragile, more. Women are more fragile, they're more sensitive. And that's why men fail to realize before getting married that marrying a man or a woman.

00:41:02 --> 00:41:34

Your people need to be reminded a bachelor you've always lived with your friends and have you shown coming to work in the morning and saying you know your friend, say somebody you might just slap him in the back, you know, or something. You can't do the same to your wife. A lot of young people forget that. This is not just your new friend that you are hanging around with. This is a woman she thinks differently. She understand things differently. She's very sensitive. She's very gentle, emotional, like you can ask her sisters that definitely laugh at this every time I've mentioned this, sometimes they cry as to why they're crying. I don't know why I'm grateful.

00:41:36 --> 00:42:09

The brothers that they do that, because they don't know they just I just don't feel like crying. Well, what's wrong with you? I just don't know. There's something and it looks like something's gonna happen. Whoa, this is amazing sensitivity that they don't two days in advance that something's going to happen. And it just happens sometimes I knew I had a feeling something was happening. Men don't have that sensitivity. Women are just like that. And men are different women have to understand that men are different men sometimes you know, when the husband isn't taught you the way some terrible man has pressure in his head, etc. They just go silent. He will just talk that doesn't

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mean he hates you, but he's gonna give you the rock after prejudging is just like that he's going to Okay, we just doesn't you just give him space given time we'll come back. This is just dealing with it, he doesn't choose what I can do with you. So not realizing the differences between men and women. We need to study these differences. Allah has created both of them differently. And because of these differences, as long as there's compatibility, general compatibility, but knowing these differences, that be blessings in marriage. And lastly, the last point and then I've just got one other thing to say after the point is that

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sadly, we're living in a time but with gender roles have been and I might be not politically correct here. So please excuse me, but gender roles have been mixed up.

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Islam made men and women can marry to each other because a man was supposed to be a man play the role of a man be a man look like a man act like a man wear the clothes of a man D like a man and behave as a man and work as a man outside. And his perfect counterpart was a woman who was emotional was Frasure, who acted like a woman dressed like a woman. Sounded like a woman talk like a woman and was a woman in person at all. We live in a time now that this is a perfect marriage. Perfect jigsaw puzzle. Men and women are counterparts there are different. There's equality in Islam. Islam doesn't say one gender is better than the other there's equality but there's differences there's not

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similarity. Just people mix up equality and similarity. similarity means we are not similar. Yes, women have menstruation we don't have menstruation anybody else menstruation. Yet? There might be a much in 40 years down the line women coming in we want equality is not fair. Why do we have menstruation men need to adminstration as well and let them get pregnant as well. We want equality

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to happen because the way society is going, there's equality but differences. So in differences, Allah has given a specific role for a man a specific role for a woman, a perfect marriage, perfect marriage. But now what's happened? Sadly, in society, the man has become less of a man. A woman has become a woman. We had a perfect man marrying a woman now we've got a half man, half woman man and a half man, half woman.

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Therefore there's a clash problem. Women are no longer especially well, this feminist women. They're no longer remaining women, they just there's that masculinity and, and men, the masculinity has been taken away from them. Our forefathers our grandparents, they were less divorces because man was a masculine man. And a woman was a feminine woman. She was very sweet and gentle in the way she did. And now things are very difficult because they didn't women never cease to work. And I'm not saying they should work. They can't work. But honestly, I'm really strong on this that even women work. Islam puts a lot of emphasis on that this should not come at the cost of your family, your children.

00:45:00 --> 00:45:35

We complain I've done a few courses on upbringing of children just two, three weeks ago we had a one day course on, don't we have children we talk about our children. Why? Because we have no time for our children. The father's work in the mothers working on the nanny is looking after the children. That would be of the nanny rod nanny, if he was a nanny that hamdulillah great, but we give it to the nanny, and she comes in Disturbia, there's no time for the children. So at the cost of your family life, your children just wouldn't be outside. Sometimes we think we need both husband wife to work, okay. But sometimes it's really don't we just want a better life. We want a house. We don't

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have a home but we want a house, build a home rather than build the house, a small house but a good home is far better than a big house, but no family and no personal relationship. So therefore, this whole Islam, that's why the messenger said Allah subdivided the word between earlier the Allah, Allah and Fatima, Allah, when you go outside of work, you're the breadwinner, you're the maintainer, you're the caretaker, you go work, she doesn't have to spend a penny, the wife can come into the house and put her like come to the marriage and say, I'm going to wake up nine o'clock in the morning, every day, I'm going to put my feet on the table, you just come and feed me everyday around

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you do nothing. Nothing, she doesn't have to pay any. Even if she comes from a millionaire background, your father's a million, he doesn't have to do nothing, not spend one penny in the marriage. This is the real Islamic marriage. And honestly, I mean, I know you must say this is very, very difficult, it is difficult. But think about it, maybe reduce it like we want to go back to the traditional way. This is the traditional Islamic way. And this was the traditional way even in the West 100 years ago. That's how it was in this in this country as well.

00:46:39 --> 00:47:17

Okay, so these are some of the issues just quickly. Finally, some couple of points. If marriage doesn't work, then yes, as a last resort, Allah is halal. It's not haram Allah is permissible. But as a last resort, avoided hyleri Ido Maria Tala sunnah, the most disliked of things, according to Allah of permissible things, the most disliked of permissible things is thrown up as a last resort if you try your best you try to make the marriage work as much as possible if it's not working. Then finally just give me a few more minutes to show him when and when this finally as a last resort, the law but the law is

00:47:19 --> 00:47:57

not something that's haram What did the Hadith say Avila good holiday in Allah Tala of lagoon halali. You know, that the most disliked of permissible things. The problem today is that in this day in our society, we forget we think that Allah is something that's haram. And therefore because it's haram, it's bad. It's evil. It's not always evil. And because we think it's evil, then somebody has to be blamed. We need to first realize that sometimes you could, it just didn't work out. It didn't work out. Islam says if it doesn't work out, you have to go through the law. No problem is not evil. It's not haram. This is not something like you committed murder here. Nobody has to be

00:47:57 --> 00:48:33

blamed. Because we think it's evil, then everybody has to blame somebody else. The husband will blame the wife the wife will blame the husband the husband's family will blame the wife's family. Why somebody will blame who husband's family pointing their fingers until death do us part. We are lifelong enemies now. And sometimes the husband say it wasn't her it was actually she was good because her mother she's the one who's pointed like why do you have to blame anybody? What answers are palapa Murata and for him? Certainly my roofing. Oh, does Lee Hyung Besa even if you go through the now then release with excellence with fairness amicably the law no problem. But it has to be

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amicable. You know what amicable means? The husband says to the wife, you know, soon to be ex wife. You know, you didn't work hard. We tried 18 years of marriage but sorry, you know, it wasn't really wasn't meant to be wasn't meant to be child maybe to offer your love give you a better husband and each other, and all good for the future. And the wife says, yeah, sorry, you know, they weren't caught and

00:48:54 --> 00:49:33

I wasn't good enough. Maybe you're just making shallow future Good luck for the impossible. I'll give you a prosperous next next phase of your life and give a good embrace. Last one before the lab. And why not? And that's I'm just saying that and what I'm saying the next part, give a gift that's in the Quran. Monthly a winner give them a gift. How can I learn more? So again, the people of Amazon will give a gift. And you know why this gift? This is a gift. When you get married, you give a gift mahatma is not payment, it's gift as another topic. And when you believe in marriage, you give a gift Muhammad to start a marriage. And if that's the love, then

00:49:34 --> 00:50:00

the husband needs to give us more gift which is recommended Mustafa to show this is amicable, no hard feelings. Why do we learn from some non Muslims? Some of the non Muslims the amicable like okay, so amicable divorce. Sometimes they get too close afterwards as well. Just be careful. You're too close. Once the app is done, it's finished. And so that's how the lock should be done. Don't play the blaming game. And then lastly, last last point, I was gonna

00:50:00 --> 00:50:32

To say one or two other things as well that the husband has the right to divorce, but why he has the right to check my wisdom behind that. And then the wife also has the right to divorce but in a different way. I want to talk about that there's no time and then I just want to talk about three divorces. But no times I'm not gonna talk about that. And then I was going to put that as well. But there's one time about that as well. But lastly, I'll just say about one thing, which I would just want to finish on this is that never, ever, ever, and I just have written about this, and I just posted in your game online today. Because Do not ever use your children as pawns, as in the middle,

00:50:32 --> 00:50:32


00:50:33 --> 00:51:15

take out your Spitefulness we live in a time sadly speaking, even the so called practicing in inverted commas, long, long beards and jumpers and between the cops and big big Salah and dodging them, they are moving. When divorce takes place, then that's it because it's connected to the first point. Because you're blaming someone, you use the children against your ex, I will never let see, let him see. This is haram, one of the greatest sins in Islam is to prevent contact between children and the father or mother. It could be mother or father. This is one of the greatest harms one of the greatest oppressions, not just oppression on your ex spouse. This is an oppression on your children,

00:51:15 --> 00:51:42

children need to grow with the love of both father and mother. Any man woman who stops their children from seeing their ex spouse, their mother, remember, they haven't divorced their father, why? You know, you and your wife or you or your husband couldn't make marriage work? Why do the children have to suffer? They're not divorced, the children are divorced from the data from the mother. So this is very, very important. And this is also part of data if

00:51:44 --> 00:51:45

the three

00:51:47 --> 00:52:27

even if you whatever happens, this is very, very important. It's great haram. It's a massive and honestly I would like to talk about for 10 hours if I could to emphasize this point. Yes, all the dust behind is the father and all your salon owner about evidence going down the drain on the human element before the judge of all judges. We will stand before about oh with questions. You oppressed your ex are not just extra oppressed your children and children themselves will say this mother of mine or this father of mine did not have contact with my mother, my father. Some people say they used to excuses and finish on this. One is that the children themselves don't want to see their dad

00:52:27 --> 00:52:30

Well, straight after divorce. You're the ones who influence them.

00:52:31 --> 00:53:09

Yeah, you are the ones who influence them. It's all the influence. You painted a bad picture of the dad that he was bad and he was like this. It's the anyone who is a father, whoever has custody will brainwash the child. That's not an excuse, you must actually make sure you tell them that Don't you know what you need to see your father, you need to see your father. That's me and him. We are problems. Don't worry about that. You should have a relationship, even one word that shows them that you know that makes them go negative towards the parents with a parent. It's sinful. And some say another excuse that he is not sound his oppressive is like this is like that. Okay, it is normally

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it's an excuse. But if in a particular situation somebody's is not sound for example, okay, then that individual case will be taken on his own merit level. See, maybe don't make the decision yourself because you could be bias go to a group of people not have knowledge of wisdom of understanding present your case and see is this ex husband of mine, so mental, that he shouldn't have no contact with his own children. They should be hedged on him and prevention. And if they detect that yeah, these guys have been absolutely crazy, druggie, whatever that may be okay, but other than that, don't use that as an excuse to continue and we'll have the ability to practice on

00:53:54 --> 00:53:54

some of these things.

00:54:02 --> 00:54:03

will go with ad

00:54:05 --> 00:54:11

money, well, it might even be one ad, Jimmy will have

00:54:13 --> 00:54:13

to go.

00:54:16 --> 00:54:18

One funny

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