Marriage & Relationships – Part 3

Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Series:

Topics: Marriage

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Lecture by Mufti Menk on Saturday 17th March 2018.
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An evening of practical advice on marriage, families and relationships. Dealing with difficult issues while keeping a mentally sound state of mind.

Episode Transcript

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Starting off the q&a in Sharla. Mostly I'd like to ask a question that I've gotten, which is this a brother, he married his sister. And while them being married, the sister has been living alone for some time, two years. And now what's happened is the brother doesn't really want to do anything with that relationship. He doesn't want to divorce her. He doesn't want to. He's just leaving her there. So she's kind of in a situation where she's in limbo. She feels as if she's married to the guy, but at the same time, it's not a proper marriage. What can you advise in a situation like this smilla Rahmanir Rahim, I think what's important for us to know is that women, they actually do have rights

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that they don't know of sometimes. So if, for example, the brother is not fulfilling the rights of the sister, like he's not living with her and a long time has passed or he is not providing for her and a long time has passed, she can actually apply if she wishes, and if she has not been able to resolve the matter, she can apply to nullify that particular marriage in something known as

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known as a first. Right. So that nullification will have to be done by the AMA, perhaps in the area that she lives in like here, you have the council, I think it's called the Sharia Council. What's it called? The Sharia council Islamic Sharia Council, they can actually nullify the nicca. So even if the brother does not cooperate with them, after a period of time, they will issue a nullification that nullification is worth one irrevocable Palak, which means that she will be divorced from him in a way that if he wants to get back to her, they would have to have a new nikka done with her approval. So there is a way out when the rights of a woman are not being fulfilled, she has

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if she cannot solve the problem, and he is being arrogant, or he does not want to issue the ballot,

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she can apply for that. And she will be awarded it especially if your council in your locality knows exactly what they're doing. And as time is passing, and we're becoming more and more advanced. The Council's are also becoming a little bit more advanced and they're doing processing time is becoming less and it's Charlotte's more effective. Yeah. JazakAllah, Ferran Schiff, brothers and sisters, we'll start off the q&a, inshallah, we'll give the first mic to the brother here at the front. Mashallah, Baba, what is your name? And what is your question for the shift in Sharla? Yes.

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My question you mentioned about the relationship between the parent and child, what is the role of a sibling?

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What should they be doing? Exactly the role of a sibling, I think the siblings, it's a very important question the siblings need to support they need to support what is right. In terms of what Allah subhanho wa Taala has ordained. So if, for example, you have

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your brother, your sister wants to do something your parents are not permitting it to happen, for example, and you know that your parents are wrong, you should very respectfully guide your parents. So with us, we're taught that our parents are owed respect to the degree that we are not allowed to disrespect them. But that doesn't mean we have to agree with everything that they're doing. So if they are wrong, you can respectfully highlight to them that they are wrong. Another very interesting issue about a sibling, we have a culture, I think we can hear some of the sisters speaking into the mic at the back there. We have a culture that the eldest must marry first. That's a culture that is

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an Islamic, it has nothing to do with Islam. It's just a culture, it makes life difficult for those who are younger, who want to marry before the older person. So your siblings, you need to make sure that you teach your parents if they do not know or you encourage them if they are just worried about what people will think that you know what if my brother or sister who is younger than me would like to get married, and I am not yet married, then you can actually have their marriage prior to ours. And the culture that that actually makes it prohibited would have to be sidelined. Although obviously by nature, it is better to have the older marrying first, but it's not a condition. And

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it's not necessarily just a Kamala Harris, if I can pause for a moment. We can actually hear the sisters speaking into the mic. The sister who has the microphone at the back, can you hold it away from you?

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Because it is distracting us in Java. Okay.

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Which is like hello furniture. Also, if I could ask all of the brothers and the sisters to settle down inshallah, as we have started this segment and is from the correct add up to settle down and to listen in Sharla when everything is taking place to continue, I think we'll take a question from the sisters now because we took one from the brothers.

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Sister if you can say your name and your question in Sharla. And my name is Eamon and I have a question about your Eman. So my question is, what does one do when the man decreases so much that when they're praying like you feel empty, like the connection is, as there as it was before with a look at how do you go about rectifying that and getting it?

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Okay, sister, the question is not related to our topic. But still, I will take it because one might argue that it is in the sense that if your man is weak, perhaps, you know, you might create issues for yourself in your relationships, etc. I think it has approached from various angles based on your own surroundings and what has caused that generally, if you declutter your mind, if you try your best to remove from your mind and heart, that which is unnecessary, and that which is holding you down, then it will help you develop your relationship with Allah. When when that happens, you develop your relationship with people around you who are strong in their Eman or at least they will

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encourage you in that direction. When you when the circle of your friends is not bothered about the deen of Allah or what's right and wrong or their duties unto Allah, generally, it will become easier for you to turn away from Allah or to become distant from Allah subhanho wa Taala. But if those around you all give it the importance, they enthusiastic about it, you know, they support you encourage you they have good words, then it would actually help you also to fulfill what you have to with enthusiasm and a man. Similarly, when you have a reminder, every now and again from someone or a you know, a source that would actually be of motivation to you, the motivation actually helps at

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the time of the habit of the alarm, they used to actually go and say, let's increase our demand for an hour, you know, by listening to the prompts, or sanlam, or the Sahaba, or by learning something, and increasing that particular motivation that they had, once you are motivated, you need to act upon it almost instantly, because like today, we heard something, if we don't act upon the good of it, it's going to diminish over a period of time, they say within 48 hours. If you haven't acted upon something motivational, perhaps it's going to die down without you doing anything about it in any way. So

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it's important for us to listen to that which motivates us also to increase your remembrance of Allah. Because the remembrance of Allah definitely will impact upon you. There is one problem we have when we don't speak the Arabic language we we tend to pay lip service to advocate without thinking of what it means. So we say Alhamdulillah without actually considering that it actually means pray. All praise is due to Allah Praise be to Allah. So if you were to remember Allah in a way that your the words you're uttering the meaning of them are close to your heart. In that way you would be able to inshallah, help yourself with your relationship with Allah subhanho wa Taala.

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Similarly, I have found that seeking the forgiveness of Allah actually draws you closer to Allah and being convinced that Allah has forgiven you. That is a very powerful point. If you are convinced within yourself that I've done wrong, but Allah has forgiven me because I sought forgiveness of Allah genuinely, it makes you feel like you're a clean person, it makes you feel like you know, you have hope and so on. So this would motivate you to do more for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala what I've mentioned, these are just some tips regarding developing yourself your Eman your relationship with Allah, but the topic is very, very vast.

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jsoc Hello fellowship

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will answer this question because some of the sisters they may be shy to come up and actually ask the question in the mic. So we have a written question here. Shares I must warn you, this is a question that will probably be very, very beloved to the hearts of many of the sisters. The question is what is the guidance on adding a clause in the nikka contract? Ie my husband cannot marry another woman while she is married to me.

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I think it's a sign of insecurity to be honest with you.

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You know we should be so confident with ourselves and our

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Man and Allah subhanho wa Taala and our relationships that as much as some might argue their two opinions, you know, some of the scholars say it's allowed because it's up to you. And some of them say, well, it's not allowed because it goes against the very grain of the reason of getting married. So that that fits he jurisprudence argument, it's in its place, I don't want to side with any one of them. But I would believe that, you know, I found people then doing things behind the backs of their wives, I am one who doesn't promote or demote something of this nature, meaning of a person marries again or not, it totally depends on them, their situation, their surroundings, their environment,

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whether it's feasible or not, I've seen really, really beautiful homes, shredded to pieces and totally destroyed because of another marriage. And I've seen others, where it has brought so much of goodness and support and love that it's unbelievable, you know, so I'm no one to promote or demote, I don't know your particular situation, you might just be diving into something that's going to mess the rest of your life. So you need to actually think very deeply, you need to have built, you know, the whole situation, you cannot just come home one day and say that's it, it's happening, you know. So putting a clause is a little bit tricky. I cannot really, I don't even want to encourage that.

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Because if that's the case, you know, what we might have another 20 clauses to put sometimes, and you know, people will start adding all sorts of clauses. But like I said, from from a jurisprudence perspective, there is difference of opinion, whether it is a valid clause, or not a valid clause. So if the guy really wants to do it, he's gonna tell you listen, according to such and such a scholar, it's not even a valid clause. So there you go. I think like I said, it's a sign of insecurity. I mean, you might disagree with me, I really don't mind. Because, you know, it's just my opinion, it may be a sign that, you know, if I were to, to put a clause to say, you cannot do that, you know,

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I think it would say a lot about me, I'm so insecure that I really feel that I'm not, you know, this might happen and so on. But look at the end of the day, you know, your situation, people might want to add it for whatever reason, if the guy is agreed, he comes to ask them asking us another ruling to say, am I allowed to break the clothes you know, what are the damages? What would happen? And like I say, there is a sickness that I can talk about, totally away from this.

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Society sometimes is more forgiving. When it comes to something haram then when it comes to Helen, and that's actually a trap of the devil. So when it comes to something Haram, people are quick to say, well, it's okay. It's fine. You know, he did this and it's okay. It's okay with you. But was it okay with Allah. And then sometimes when something is okay with Allah is not okay with society, society really is unforgiving. They say No way, it's not happening. And I think we need to deal with our own man, I think we need to deal with our own situation connection with Allah, the problem we're facing, and I can tell you a reality. A lot of guys out there, they haven't lived a proper life with

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their own spouses, they haven't shown that they are loving and kind and supportive, and so on. And yet, they're busy, you know, trying to look into other avenues of get of increasing the number of wives they have, when they haven't even proven themselves as an as a person or as a good husband. In the in the case that is there.

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Some people use that as an excuse to say, Well, you know what, how you're going to do justice to them. When you haven't even done justice to one. Sometimes it's just a statement, they say in order to get out of it. But what we definitely should know is,

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and I'm going back to what I started with, I cannot give you a ruling to say, guys do it or don't do it. It all depends on the situation. It's not something to remember that. It all depends on your situation, your you know, environment, your family, your surroundings, everything around you, that might make it the biggest mistake in your life. Or it might be the best thing you've ever done. So that's what it is. May Allah subhanho wa Taala guide us in a way that people don't need to make conditions when marrying, but rather in a way that people trust us so much that we will be the most loving most kind people. And and I challenge you, you know, I always tell myself a few moments ago,

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I was signing some books. And I felt so hurt in my heart to tell some of the sisters that sisters I've got to stop here. Because the word stop actually, you know is such that it hurts people. It hurts people when you cut off something when you stop something good, you know, and I was feeling Let me try and be the best person I can but sometimes while trying to be the best person you get trampled all over. And some of the best of us we struggle and suffer emotionally because we allow everyone to walk all over and when we try to stand up for ourselves for the first time, we are looked at as the bad ones. It happens in a lot of homes where you have a person who's

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slaving it if I can use that word for years on end and one day they stand up for what is right. And they are told how dare you so ungrateful you so I've been grateful for the last 15 years Hello, Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us I hope we don't have you know some of the tyrants in our midst who actually make life such a misery for people who live with them. That's the case this is the day when we can change inshallah we we need to Make life beautiful for those who are with so that Allah will make it beautiful for us in the dunya and the ARCA Imagine if you make life easy for someone in this world, Allah says we will make life easy for you here and in the hereafter. What if it's your

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own family lawmakers role models? I mean

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I mean, just Sokolow Farren shift we'll take a question from the brothers in Sharla. Robert, what is your name? And what is your question for the chef in Sharla so

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so this is a big thing today society and Amen. My name is Waseem.

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So this is a big thing in today's society and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to so Brava muscle touched earlier point if you see someone in a common place, whether it's a college university workplace and you're interested

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use it said to get the folks involved but even before that stage

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to get to know the person in a in a good way because you have to get to know the person and she has to get to know you etc. How do you do so in a halal manner? Because I'm sure a big thing that people don't people need to look at his limitations. That's like some sort of framework how to do that realistically in this day and age JazakAllah brother, handsome, Sorry, brother, Waseem, I just translated, I just translated your name into English. Mashallah, okay. A good name Mashallah. JazakAllah Habibi, I want to tell you that, you see, there is a difference, the Islamic teaching tells you to get to know someone with the assistance of your folks. The problem is, our folks don't

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help. I think that that's really an issue where our folks sometimes they don't help us to get to know someone because they have their own ideas. So we're faced with a challenge where people start getting to know others with the idea that I'm gonna get to know them. And if it's okay, then I'll involve my family. So they have good intentions. But in the process of getting to know someone, the emotions run high, you've donated your heart without even knowing it's donated, gone. It's out of your, your own bosom, and it's gone somewhere else. And by that time, you now want to go back to your family and tell them something, and you've actually already drunk, if you know what I mean. So,

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in Islam, we are taught to get to know someone Yes, indeed. And you are allowed to get to know, you know, as much as you'd like to, uh, prior to the marriage on condition that you've involved the folks who are supposed to be involved in the case of a sister, for example, someone respectable I mean, it's, I am, I have advocated and I have done it today and every other day, for when I've spoken about marriage, for parents to become involved, and to try and take seriously what their children bring up to them. And so if someone says, Listen, Dad, you know, there's a guy interested in me, he's really, are you interested in him? Well, I think so. I want to get to know him. Well,

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that you know what, I think if it's not Haram, you need to help because people will be doing things behind your back while law Hey, I want to swear by Allah, that every other day, I have an email of someone telling me that they are marrying someone they do not want to marry. They are in total and absolute love with someone else. But their parents are forcing them. And I'm thinking we're living in the 21st century. How can we allow that as muslimeen? How does it reflect upon Islam and the Muslims? And then you want to complain that we have a divorce and so on. I have people who I have who have told me and hundreds of them, if not 1000s, that my father has just forced me to get

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married, and I don't want to marry I don't have anyone in mind. But I don't want to marry this guy.

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How can we call ourselves Muslims who fear Allah? What representation are we providing for for what we stand for Subhanallah people will think of Islam and Muslims is being backward and yet we're not. We're promoting the fulfillment of the rights of your own kids, your own children. So my brother quickly getting back to what you were saying. Islam teaches us to involve before you get to know the person just on your own, the two of you are sitting shaytan is the third as we're taught. But if you if you involve someone you know, you may have interactions with them. You have to interact with the opposite sex. That's something we need to know whether it's your mother, your sisters, a strange

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person, some there will come a time in your life you have to interact even with someone who's a total stranger. That interaction Islam doesn't say it shouldn't be there. It says it needs to be within that which is respectable and acceptable. That's it. I mean, I've met millions of people, women

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A lot of them who are not related to me at all, for as long as it's respectable, within the limits of acceptable, we've greeted, we've helped we've spoken to we've tried, you know, wherever possible we've, you know, we've helped. And the same applies to all of us. I mean, if you see someone on the street, for example, they need to help you as a Muslim should be the first one to rush to help them. You know, you don't say no, I'm not a Muslim, I'm running away, and you wait for someone who's not even perhaps a Muslim or maybe an islamophobe to come and laugh and do something that is nasty. May Allah protect us. So this is why we say, society, sometimes we need to understand the deen and what

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we're taught, rather than, you know, just doing what we think which is not even a part of the deen. So sometimes, like I said, you have to interact with the opposite sex you get to know them. There comes a point when Look, I need to involve someone here because I want to know a little bit more.

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So that would help me a lot make it easy for us.

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To Sokolow fair and share, we have a question here from a system Allah bless her. She's mentioned that she got married to this brother, her father approved of the marriage, everything was fine. But because her father didn't like the brother, and he just approved of the brother just because you know, the sister wanted to marry him. Now what the Father is doing and the family are doing is they don't want to accept the the son in law, they saying we don't really want to know him. You've married him, no problem. You live with him, but we don't want to know him. We don't want to welcome him into our home. What advice would you give in a situation like this year?

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I think the most serious advice I can give because it's on the increase this type of problem is happening a lot. My beloved parent, if you are a person who has just accepted for eight, and then you have turned away you are failing your test with Allah, what if a lot turns away with you the same turns away from you, the same way you turned away from your this child and the spouse on the Day of Judgment. And you are told you didn't want you turned away we're going to turn away from you. The Hadith says when you make life easy for someone, we're going to make life easy for you. When you make life difficult for someone we're going to make it difficult for you in the dunya and the era.

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So you need to know if you did that to your own child and your own child in law meaning whether it's a son in law, daughter in law, and you you turned away from them, because of that, I promise you you will taste the evil effect of your own deeds in your life before you die. And I can almost guarantee that you will taste it before you die Allah will show you the the evil of your deed within your life somehow. And we've seen this happening because helpless people that they make is answered by Allah way before everybody else the Hadith says it turkey the loom for in a hula Sabina obeying the law hijab, you need to fear and be scared of a supplication made against you by someone whom you have

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wronged. For indeed there is no barrier between that supplication and Allah. So what I want to say you fail your test, Why do that? embrace the guy give him a chance, let him prove himself. Perhaps he might turn out to be better than you and closer than you to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Yet your action is proving that you have actually not put Allah before everyone else, but rather your own ego, your own pride, we need to set that aside, may Allah never let that happen to us and whoever it is happening to May Allah bless your parents and guide them and soften their hearts to be able to stop themselves from doing that. barakallahu li

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knockaloe fellowship for answering that question. We'll go straight to the sisters in sha Allah, sister, what is your name? And what is your question for the sheriff? Salaam Alaikum. My name is Hofstra Galloway. And in regards to marriage, my question is How should one go about seeking blessings for marriage by their parents when differences skin color could potentially be an issue?

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Subhanallah my sister? It's a very interesting question. Because a lot of the times the child knows the parents better than anyone else. So you've got to actually try and convince them through means that they would be convinced by because you've lived with them all your life, if not, what I have found helpful is

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to be able to very respectfully involve members of the family who are senior and looked up to by the parents to try and talk to them. The difficulty today is parents say no. And the reason why they say no they thinking of what will people say I promise you it's a big disease. What's my community gonna say? What's my family going to say? what's everyone else going to say? And in the process, they don't allow their children to live a life and the same people that they are worried

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About what they would say when their children have to do something, they get it done. You know, I know of a case where

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there was a family that did not accept a brother because he was a revert. And they said, No ways revert what an insult. Allah, I told them, all the Sahaba were reverts, by the way, all the Sahaba rivers, all of them, 100% of them were reverse. So, what's the problem here? And they said, No, no, you know, my brother, he told me if this happens, our relationship is over. Three years later, three years later,

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the child of this particular man married a non Muslim Subhanallah non Muslim, and invited the entire family.

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And guess what? Everyone went? Subhana Allah, I don't want to comment about that. I want to say the double standards is look, you didn't allow something and look at what's happened this side here. And then people started asking for to us to say, is this allowed? Is that allowed? Big Issue. Moral of the story is sometimes when you try to block something hallel What did I tell you earlier in your life, Allah will show you something to prove to you that you just failed your test dismally. May Allah subhanho wa Taala protect us. I know, you might be asking, How can this happen? How can that happen? The only reason I'm citing it to you is I'm citing it because

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raising that example to say, here is a sister asking us how do we convince our parents, some of the parents are not easy to convince,

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you know, and then like I said, you involve some of the family members who are senior, sometimes you might want to involve an Imam or someone whom your parents look up to. Unfortunately, sometimes there is no one they look up to. So in certain cases, we really cannot offer that type of help. the help of convincing I have tried sometimes to you know, assist, like I told you in a lot of cases where we've spoken to parents martial law, some of them come through, some of them don't come through. Some of them have valid reasoning, some of them don't have valid reasoning, some of them are ridiculous, and you can taste the pride as soon as you just try and say Salaam Alaikum. And they

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just look at you. Yeah. Yeah, you know, and you say, okay, you know, this guy doesn't want to be helped at all, but you got to try because you know why, when you try,

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you have fulfilled your duty. And it's written against that person's name with Allah subhanho wa Taala May Allah make it easy for all of us. Another very important point. make lots of call out to Allah Don't lose hope. But watch in which direction things are moving. So May Allah make it easy?

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Just allow him most he will we'll take a question from the brothers in Sharla Brava What is your name? And what is your question for the chef inshallah so

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so this is a big thing today society and my name is we seem so this is a big thing in today's society and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to so proper muscle touched earlier point if you see someone in a commonplace whether it's a college, university workplace, and you're interested.

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You said to get the folks involved but even before that stage,

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to get to know the person in a in a good way because you have to get to know the person and she has to get to know you, etc. How do you do so in a halal manner? Because I'm sure a big thing that people don't people need to look at is limitations. That's like some sort of framework and how to do that realistically in this day and age JazakAllah brother, handsome, Sorry, brother, Waseem, I just translated, I just translated your name into English. Mashallah, okay. A good name? Mashallah. JazakAllah fan Habibi, I want to tell you that, you see there is a difference. The Islamic teaching tells you to get to know someone with the assistance of your folks. The problem is our folks don't

00:28:55--> 00:29:32

help. I think that that's really an issue where our folks sometimes they don't help us to get to know someone because they have their own ideas. So we're faced with a challenge where people start getting to know others with the idea that I'm going to get to know them. And if it's okay, then I'll involve my family. So they have good intentions, but in the process of getting to know someone, the emotions run high, you've donated your heart without even knowing it's donated, gone. It's out of your, your own bosom, and it's gone somewhere else. And by that time, you now want to go back to your family and tell them something, and you've actually already drowned. If you know what I mean.

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So, in Islam, we are taught to get to know someone Yes, indeed. And you are allowed to get to know you know, as much as you'd like to, uh, prior to the marriage on condition that you've involved the folks who are supposed to be involved in the case of a sister, for example, someone respectable I mean, it's, I am, I have advocated and I have done it today and every other day, for when I've spoken about marriage, for parents to become involved.

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than to try and take seriously what their children bring up to them. And so if someone says, Listen that, you know, there's a guy interested in me, he's really, are you interested in him? Well, I think so I want to get to know him. Well, that you know what, I think it's not Haram, you need to help, because people will be doing things behind your back. While Ah, hey, I want to swear by Allah, that every other day, I have an email of someone telling me that they are marrying someone they do not want to marry. They are in total and absolute love with someone else. But their parents are forcing them. And I'm thinking we're living in the 21st century. How can we allow that as muslimeen?

00:30:41--> 00:30:59

How does it reflect upon Islam and the Muslims? And then you want to complain that we have a divorce and so on. I have people who are who have told me and hundreds of them, if not 1000s, that my father has just forced me to get married. And I don't want to marry I don't have anyone in mind. But I don't want to marry this guy.

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How can we call ourselves Muslims who fear Allah? What representation are we providing for for what we stand for Subhanallah people will think of Islam and Muslims as being backward. And so yet we're not. We're promoting the fulfillment of the rights of your own kids, your own children. So my brother quickly getting back to what you were saying, Islam teaches us to involve, before you get to know the person just on your own, the two of you are sitting shaytan is the third as we are taught. But if you if you involve someone, you know, you may have interactions with them. You have to interact with the opposite sex, that's something we need to know whether it's your mother, your

00:31:38--> 00:32:18

sisters, a strange person, some there will come a time in your life, you have to interact even with someone who's a total stranger, that interaction Islam doesn't say it shouldn't be there. It says it needs to be within that which is respectable and acceptable. That's it. I mean, I've met millions of people, women, a lot of them who are not related to me at all, for as long as it's respectable, within the limits, acceptable. We've greeted, we've helped we've spoken to we've tried, you know, wherever possible, we've, you know, we've helped. And the same applies to all of us. I mean, if you see someone on the street, for example, they need help you as a Muslim should be the first one to

00:32:18--> 00:32:53

rush to help them. You know, you don't say no, I'm not a Muslim, I'm running away, and you wait for someone who's not even perhaps a Muslim or maybe an islamophobe to come and laugh and do something that is nasty. May Allah protect us. So this is why we say society sometimes we need to understand the deen and what we're taught, rather than, you know, just doing what we think which is not even a part of the deen. So sometimes, like I said, you have to interact with the opposite sex you get to know them. There comes a point when Look, I need to involve someone here because I want to know a little bit more.

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So that would help May Allah make it easy for us?

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Jackalope Aeron chairs, we have a question here from a system Allah bless her. She's mentioned that she got married to this brother, her father approved of the marriage, everything was fine. But because her father didn't like the brother, and he just approved of the brother just because you know, the sister wanted to marry him. Now what the Father is doing and the family are doing is they don't want to accept the son in law. They saying we don't really want to know him. You've married him, no problem. You live with him, but we don't want to know him. We don't want to welcome him into our home. What advice would you give in a situation like this year?

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I think there's most serious advice I can give because it's on the increase this type of problem is happening a lot. My beloved parent, if you are a person who has just accepted for it, and then you have turned away you are failing your test with Allah, what if a lot turns away with you the same turns away from you the same way you turned away from your this child and the spouse on the Day of Judgment. And you're told you didn't want you turned away we're going to turn away from you. The Hadith says when you make life easy for someone, we're going to make life easy for you. When you make life difficult for someone we're going to make it difficult for you in the dunya and the era.

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So you need to know if you did that to your own child and your own child in law meaning whether it's a son in law, daughter in law, and you you turned away from them, because of that, I promise you you will taste the evil effect of your own deeds in your life before you die. And I can almost guarantee that you will taste it before you die Allah will show you the the evil of your deed within your life somehow and we've seen this happening because helpless people that do are they make is answered by Allah way before everybody else the Hadith says it Ducky the loom for in a hula Sabina obeying the law he job you need to fear and be

00:35:00--> 00:35:44

Scared of a supplication made against you by someone whom you have wronged. For indeed there is no barrier between that supplication and Allah. So what I want to say you fail your test, Why do that? embrace the guy give him a chance, let him prove himself, perhaps he might turn out to be better than you and closer than you to Allah subhanho wa Taala yet your action is proving that you have actually not put Allah before everyone else, but rather your own ego, your own pride, we need to set that aside May Allah never let that happen to us and whoever it is happening to May Allah bless your parents and guide them and soften their hearts to be able to stop themselves from doing that. Baraka

00:35:44--> 00:35:44

Luffy

00:35:46--> 00:36:07

is knockaloe filling shift for answering that question. We'll go straight to the sisters inshallah. Sister, what is your name? And what is your question for the shift? Salaam Alaikum. My name is hafsa soccerway. In regards to marriage, my question is, how should one go about seeking blessings for marriage by their parents, when differences in color could potentially be an issue?

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Subhanallah my sister? It's a very interesting question. Because a lot of the times the child knows the parents better than anyone else. So you've got to actually try and convince them through means that they would be convinced by because you've lived with them all your life, if not, what I have found helpful is

00:36:28--> 00:37:05

to be able to very respectfully involve members of the family who are senior and looked up to by the parents to try and talk to them. The difficulty today is parents say no. And the reason why they say no, they thinking of what will people say I promise you it's a big disease, what's my community going to say? what's my family going to save? What's everyone else going to save? And in the process, they don't allow their children to live a life. And the same people that they are worried about what they would say when their children have to do something, they get it done? You know, I know of a case where

00:37:06--> 00:37:31

there was a family that did not accept a brother because he was a revert. And they said no ways revert what an insult. Allah, I told them, all the Sahaba were reverts, by the way, all the Sahaba reverse all of them, 100% of them were reverse. So what's the problem here? And they said, No, no, you know, my brother, he told me if this happens, our relationship is over. Three years later, three years later,

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the child of this particular man married a non Muslim Subhanallah non Muslim, and invited the entire family.

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And guess what? Everyone went? Subhan Allah, I don't want to comment about that. I want to say the double standards is look, you didn't allow something and look at what's happened this side here. And then people started asking for to us to say, is this allowed? Is that allowed? Big Issue. Moral of the story is sometimes when you try to block something halaal What did I tell you earlier in your life, Allah will show you something to prove to you that you just failed your test dismally. May Allah Subhana. Allah protect us. I know, you might be asking, How can this happen? How can that happen? The only reason I'm citing it to you is I'm citing it because raising that example to say,

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here is a sister asking us how do we convince our parents, some of the parents are not easy to convince,

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you know, and then like I said, you involve some of the family members who are senior, sometimes you might want to involve an Imam or someone whom your parents look up to. Unfortunately, sometimes there is no one they look up to. So in certain cases, we really cannot offer that type of help. the help of convincing I have tried sometimes to, you know, assist, like I told you in a lot of cases where we've spoken to parents, Mashallah some of them come through, some of them don't come through. Some of them have valid reasoning, some of them don't have valid reasoning. Some of them are ridiculous, and you can taste the pride as soon as you just try and say Salaam Alaikum. And they

00:39:08--> 00:39:18

just look at you. Yeah. Yeah, you know, and you say, okay, you know, this guy doesn't want to be helped at all, but you got to try because you know why, when you try,

00:39:19--> 00:39:37

you have fulfilled your duty. And it's written against that person's name with Allah subhanho wa Taala. May Allah make it easy for all of us. Another very important point. make lots of call out to Allah. Don't lose hope, but to watch in which direction things are moving. So May Allah make it easy?

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choccolocco musti we'll take another question from the sisters in sha Allah. So sister, what is your name and what is your question for the shift today inshallah.

00:39:52--> 00:39:53

Salam aleikum.

00:39:55--> 00:39:59

This is Amina jiba. I have a question we often hear

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When a proposal comes that Mashallah the sister with the job and jilbab She is practicing, or the brother has ba with his practicing?

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Does it define a very jilbab? Or he job or having beard? Does it define practicing? So could you please enlighten us with the real definition of a practicing Muslim? Is that Allah Jazakallah hair and I will give you an answer that inshallah you will be satisfied with by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Because we've tackled this issue before, practically, being a practicing brother or a sister should refer to two things, the inward and the outward. So some have managed to actually only deal with one of them. And some have managed to deal with both. And every one of us is trying to become better

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and improve where our weaknesses are. So when you see someone outwardly, it does not necessarily mean that that person is practicing, but it means they are practicing outwardly. Let's be honest, they're practicing outwardly. So we would like to hope that the inside is a reflection of the outside, unfortunately, it's not always the case. So don't be fooled. So while I'm not belittling, the outward practicing, of a brother or a sister, I have to warn one and all including myself, that there is not the only mark to look at. But rather, there needs to be other factors

00:41:41--> 00:41:41

that

00:41:42--> 00:42:25

would actually make you make your mind up regarding marriage, for example. And at times, you have a person who's struggling a little bit with their outward practicing, but you have an interaction with them, that proves to you that they have some beautiful qualities in them that show that internally, there are really God fearing people, but they're struggling with their outward practicing. It does happen. And it happens a lot, especially where parents are very strict. Sometimes people are outwardly practicing due to the strictness of their parents and not necessarily because they themselves would like to practice. So sometimes you have a person from a modern home, no one's

00:42:25--> 00:43:04

putting any pressure on them. None of the people in the home you know, are even talking about dress or anything else. And that person makes sure they fulfill their Salah they make sure but the way they were brought up, perhaps they didn't give so much of importance to that which was outward. So I'm not saying outward appearance and all that is not important, but I am saying you've got to give credit to this person who actually grew up in an environment where they will lovely, honest, upright individuals, they just need a little bit of perhaps movement this way that way and who doesn't? Who doesn't need we all need that movement is shallow. So it's very very tricky to answer your question.

00:43:04--> 00:43:18

The outward appearance is not only what you should be considering because it does not depict anything besides outward practicing. It does not confirm your inner the inside actually needs to be confirmed through other means. Allahu Allah.

00:43:21--> 00:43:28

Hello, Aaron Schiff. We have our brother here, Masha, Allah, I'll see if we can get your name and your question for the ship.

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Slow all the way to light. Hello.

00:43:33--> 00:44:06

I am camo camo charm. My question today is based on base some of us came from somewhere else. And there are lots of sisters who also are in the same situation. They don't have family here, nor do they have close friends. And we talking about nikka here. Can we throw light on this secret marriage? Can we have Nika? Where is only me on her? And no one else? Because this is might be based on personal question. Thank you very much. My brother.

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I really my my heart goes out to those who are perhaps from abroad. They're here alone. And they don't know perhaps people are not ready to marry them. They don't know much about them, etc. It really is difficult. But the question about secret marriages. I need to tell you that before I get to that someone had asked me a question. We were talking about it earlier backstage, that

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young people it's becoming very common. They say we did our new car.

00:44:44--> 00:44:47

And you ask them, well, how was it done? They say well,

00:44:49--> 00:44:54

he put a mirror in front of me. And he asked me if I would be his wife. And I said yes, I would.

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I said and who was the witness? So the answer is the greatest

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witness of them all.

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So who is that this is called kafa biLlahi benei. verbena comb shahida isn't Allah sufficient as a witness between you and die? So Allah was the witness and Allah witnessed it.

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Okay? Don't let the devil make you think that that's a Nika that's actually invalid. There is no way in the Quran or the sooner that a marriage can be officiated without proper human being witnesses, there needs to be human beings, Allah will witness the witnessing of the human beings and he has witnessed it, but he has asked you to have human beings as well to bear that witness. So if you have the minimum witness of two males, although technically the marriage is done, when I when we speak about not going beyond that, like I have heard scholars talk about it in my circles, and they say, if you do a nigga properly, it can never be a secret, because the minimum announcement is the

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witnesses. It was announced to them, they saw it, but what you are meaning to me is you did the nikka correctly, like you have the you have the job, the Cabal, the witnesses, the Maha, you know, the proposal, the acceptance, and the Willie may be there as well. But no one else knows about it.

00:46:24--> 00:47:02

Well, I can tell you something, from a correctness point of view for the Nika if the Wali is involved, the witnesses are involved, the Mahara is there, the proposal is there, the acceptance is there. Technically, it may be a valid nikka. But from a social perspective, it wouldn't be a wise thing to do. The reason is, the whole idea of getting married is so that people can now know this relationship is halaal. And now everyone's gonna look at you, you see, they don't even know if it's halaal or not, you know, they're obviously when we see couples, we would, we would immediately presume that they're married. That's what we are taught. But you're going to be ducking diving,

00:47:02--> 00:47:07

hiding. And I tell the sisters, a lot of the times when you when you become

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meaning when you're ready to have a secret without anyone knowing you're heavily abused thereafter, without you being able to do anything in a lot of cases, in a lot of cases. And the reason is, sometimes I know of someone who says, Listen, you know what, you marry me, and it's fine. I will, you know, you can just see me once a week, once a month, once every six months. And

00:47:33--> 00:48:08

that's it, it's fine. I don't really need anything more than that. You know, I promise you a week passes, two weeks passes, and you start thinking, gosh, I've got a husband, but I don't even see him. Now the pressure comes and it starts mounting. And I tell you what, you start thinking No, I need to see him more often you start arguing because you want what you've agreed when you live it, you realize you you were foolish. When you start living the reality, you start realizing you know what i was foolish. I'm just being used, that's what's happening. I'm just being abused. That's what's happening. So you need to understand you need to weigh the pros and cons correctly. I would

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not get involved in something of that nature. As as far as possible. Try and keep it open, you know, be brave enough to say let the world know. So what and sometimes circumstances might might make us not want to tell everyone but we need to at least announce it within a specific circle. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it easy. Once again, I reach out to all those who are from, you know other countries, perhaps you might not have people around you. May Allah make it easy for you to marry. And, you know, I always like to encourage the Imams of the masjid to say, Please look out for those brothers and sisters who need to get married and try and hook them up with someone who perhaps they

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could also have as a spouse, well lo Allah.

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She's a Colombian Mufti, we're going to take our final question in sha Allah from one sister, I do apologize to everyone that has been queuing up. We know that you have tried to ask your questions. But unfortunately, if we were to cater for everyone's questions, we would be here all night, and maybe more than that. So we'll take our last question from the sister standing there, sister, what's your name? And what's your question for the shift today, inshallah. So naiku My name is Sumida. And basically, I'm looking to get married. Okay, so I've done a thick course, in marriage. And my start, he was saying to the brothers,

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many men don't want to marry career minded women. And to me, it seems a bit like you're demotivating those women, because how do you know what the intention of those women are? For example, I want to be a psychologist, because I know that anxiety and depression is very common in the Muslim community. And only Allah knows my intention. Now having brothers

00:50:00--> 00:50:10

I basically have no you working is not good for my religion and not good for my, you know, children, what's wrong, I don't get it What's wrong with career minded women?

00:50:12--> 00:50:13

Mashallah, Camilla,

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my sister, I think the scholar who might have said that he's probably speaking about himself. Because I know of many brothers who are sitting right here right now, whose wives are well within their careers, and probably even supporting them. And and they share the burden and the load and so on. So I don't think we can say blanket that, you know, brothers do not like women with a career. But maybe we can say there are brothers who may not like when it's their liking their preference, and there are brothers who do and who don't mind, for example. And I think as the years are passing, more and more people are beginning to understand that, you know, if your spouse and yourself if you

00:50:56--> 00:51:38

have to work within a good environment that is acceptable to both of you, it might even help in other ways. Sometimes there is a lot of boredom that occurs if a woman is just to sit doing nothing, it could help in that way. And another thing is you could assist also with the burden of the livelihood in the living because it's not cheap anymore. So I don't think it's right for someone to just issue a statement on behalf of all the males to say that they prefer this and they prefer that because like I said earlier, men prefer all different things, what I prefer someone else might not and what someone else prefers you know, I might not, and that's what makes the world a lovely place.

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Because Allah has made us all different, we will fit in somewhere by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala. So I hope that answers your question. You know, we the men who are here, I think we don't really agree

00:51:51--> 00:52:28

with a blanket ruling to just paint every one of us with that brush. I mean, brother moose was nodding his head here, a few of the others you're also nodding their heads. They are prepared to marry a woman who has a career. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us ease and Allah bless us all. Obviously, if the career like you know sometimes you have a job, male or female, if your spouse is not comfortable with the job you have, I think the two of you can discuss it. And maybe you want to make adjustments in order to give preference to your marriage over your your you know, the exact place where you might be working because sometimes it does happen even with the brothers. The wife

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is not comfortable because of what goes on at your workplace or something. You need to talk about it, discuss it and maybe make realistic changes if needed. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless you all. I've really enjoyed myself it's really been a very, very long day. But I thank Allah subhanho wa Taala for giving me the opportunity to interact with you guys and I still have a few of those whom I've promised inshallah to sign their books. I will do that may Allah subhanho wa Taala grant you ease there's a Kamala Harris Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah