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Marriage Workshop – Session 3

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Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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The difference is

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the psychological physical champion mental differences between men and women, I explained the issue in lots of detail. Number two gender roles are mixed up, I explained that as well in detail, that islamically the role of a man based on his gender is different to the role of a woman based on her gender. Just to clarify, it doesn't mean what I said yesterday does not mean somebody was asking, and women shouldn't be working or can't work no strong doesn't say that it is permissible and sometimes required and needed as well.

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But the only point I was making is that a woman should not be forced to work or made to feel bad for working especially from that you need to also work.

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husband should never expect

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his wife to work. If she says, You know what, I just want to relax all day long. Stay at home, I don't want to work at all. That's perfectly right and actually in spiritual Islam.

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So if she wants to, she can do so as well.

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So there's nothing wrong and it's especially in this day and age, like times have changed a bit. So sometimes we do require.

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And in many areas, we need Muslim women, Muslim sisters need Muslim, female medical doctor, etc, etc. So you will need Muslim woman.

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But the point is that

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what I just said, that's one thing that they shouldn't be forced or expected or made to feel bad to work.

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And number two, they should not

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give preference to our life, time of Korea, over family. That's really important part. The same goes with men as well. But because men are regarded as the breadwinners, that's their responsibility. They have to work islamically

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Otherwise, they simply

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won't be men. And so if men don't work, the sinful

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but women aren't so therefore, what Islam is saying this, this attitude of like giving preference to Korea, like I just want to find out in this day and age are some

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some women, some non Muslim women, mostly there are married, there are no children, nothing, because they just want a career.

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People live that lifestyle.

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They don't marry. And it's okay for them not to marry because they can fulfill the needs outside of marriage.

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There's lots of non Muslim women across the western world.

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They don't worry, they are really busy six in the morning are on the home.

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Directors of big firms and companies and businesses

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10,000 people working under them, and majority of them are men.

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And they have a very high pressurized job.

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But they have needs some men as well. They say this we can't do people live, this is the pressure the society has stopped people from getting into relationships are not able to find marriage. Not Muslims are talking about Muslims can only do marriage, non Muslims, they did marriages and they did relationships now we're living in a time that people are no longer even want to do relationships.

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If you guys know this, I know a lot of things.

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A lot of research on this area. There's a lot of people who don't actually do relationships anymore, no type relationship. But there's still emotional sexual needs. So it's like whenever you get hungry, have a bit of food.

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So they fulfill their needs in that way.

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as and when needed.

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The whole family system is destroyed because of that. The whole family setup is destroyed. Islam came one of the main causes of Islam was helpfulness, a family lineage progeny, building a home. So if you are going to do that, then there has to be a balance that if somebody doesn't want to uphold family values, and fine, nobody needs to be a breadwinner. Nobody needs to work, be at home. Nobody needs to bring up the children and nobody needs to look after kids and nobody you know you don't need relationships you don't need

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marriages. But if we say like, No, we want to uphold family values and we want families, then there has to be a balance a family cannot run with everybody outside.

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Some families, they don't see each other except on the weekends. I mean, last year, we had this course here. On upbringing of children, I talked about all of this that

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some people attended that the children need the parents, some parents don't see the children except on weekends. How is that possible?

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one meal, like last year, I said at least one meal a day the whole family should be eating together, being the one to support the one to allow them to companionship, your children.

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People do sometimes it works. And I'm talking about even fathers, okay, I was given responsibility for the husband, for the father for the man to work. But that doesn't mean he works as a crazy thing, the one show support the ones you love, they want your companionship your children.

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People do sometimes they work so hard, and they don't like what's the point in working so hard, that stops you from enjoying

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quality family time.

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Because what happens work itself becomes an opposite. Money, wealth itself becomes an objective. The objective was to earn the money was wealth, job, money was a means to an objective, which is have a bit of tranquil life.

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But what happens, work job money, wealth becomes objective.

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When that becomes objective, then we've misunderstood the point basically. So anyway, without going into too much detail, I talked about all of this gender roles are mixed up. So the summary of that was basically that Islam once a parents family, and because in order to run a family properly, you need someone managing the

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household affairs and someone managing outside affairs. And the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made this toxic between you and your

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father,

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he has to you can't have both at home, or you can have both.

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It's just logical, outside and both at home. That is possible. But based on the physical, emotional, and you know, the strengths and weaknesses of each agenda, one has to take more control of one aspect. So that's why we say both husband wife can go outside and work as well. And both should do the household things as well, the man is

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just one has to take more control of one aspect. So that's why we say both husband and wife can go outside and work as well. And both should do the household things as well. The man is

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still helping so much man should do at home. But there has to be one person in charge of

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domestic

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issues. One person who's responsible in charge meaning responsible, so the man is responsible for earning the money, even though he helps at home, at home Don't interfere, what kind of paint and what kind of what you need in the house to say that that's all and she's the boss. She says this light goes there it goes there.

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That's how we should be say, Look, do you this this, this is your domain, you're in charge.

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Anyway. So sometimes, because these gender roles get mixed up,

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we start having problems in marriages.

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And

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I wrote here as well, where feminism is rife divorce rates on the increase. I explained this yesterday as well in quite detail.

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Point three

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from the factors that cause breakdown of marriages.

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people entering marriages with too much high expectations. Sadly, this is fueled by the internet and watching too many soap operas and

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bollywood movies.

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Another reason why marriages have problems and face and experience problems is because we have too many expectations in marriages, too many expectations, expectations from who or everyone involved expectation from the man entering the marriage expectation from the woman and setting the marriage expectation from both families. There's too many expectations

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and because of these expectations,

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high expectations

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people enter marriages, when they before they got married, they were thinking of all sorts of things. And my marriage will be like this and will be like that. And you know, this will, I will get a mansion here and after two years of moving into this six bedroom property, and we'll have two beautiful children here. It's like all like some Hollywood Bollywood some kind of

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setup. That's why I said it. This is fueled by internet. Meaning seriously.

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If you really knew the private lives of these people,

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probably your marriages are 10,000 times better than those people who post on the cameras thinking they will love and love ewe.

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Each celebrity goes to five, six different divorces in their life.

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And each time is a this is the one and you know, they've engaged and it's common, you know, okay, it looks like the dating now. And it looks like Yeah, yeah. And so much love going on and this and that. And then the date has been announced, and the whole world goes crazy. Yes, they can be married.

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And then after that things, get married, and everyone gets so excited and everything. And then after a few months, and maybe they've had a kid or two. And then after two, three years, looks like there's some differences and some problems occurring and something and

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chapter two, next person after why looks like now she's dating, she's gone back onto the dating scene.

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Someone else marriage,

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chapter three, chapter four, there was this woman I called Liz Taylor.

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Some celebrity old

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industry, she was like 910, different divorces, and marriages,

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to all these celebrities, and these are just marriages. Remember, they don't just do the garbha marriage.

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These are eight nine divorces. But then after that, there's also relationships before they get to the marriage stage, they've already had about 20.

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Different dating from the age of

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nine.

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So

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when people look at all of this online,

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they think oh, this is how a relationship should be.

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This is how marriages should be this is how the prince and princess should be.

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And then not just celebrities looking at just generally people

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on social media. I think I mentioned this yesterday as well. Don't ever get affected by anyone else's life. That's the worst thing anyone can do.

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And those people who are married etc. Don't don't post your pictures. Why do you have to post pictures of where you and your wife are eating in a brilliant restaurant.

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I still till today. I don't get this. why somebody would do that.

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I'm not saying it's wrong. But me. Personally, I just don't get it. Personally, I would not even put my children's picture online.

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It's permissible, but I'm just saying.

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I don't know if young children they're not bollock that you have taken on Facebook

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let them come into the world a few years make them make a decision Do you want to be online or not?

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Once the pictures are out that's it. Anyone can do it you know these pictures? We think this just gone on our Facebook page or Twitter page or

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Instagram and

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Snapchat wedding is just there. You know people can do all sorts with your pictures.

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People can do all sorts.

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People can use pictures have I read an article on this that is pedophiles who use pictures of children of just normal people and send it to people.

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People pose that this is my child. This is

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this women when they post their pictures people make fake accounts.

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fake account

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acting as

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an acting as presenting himself as

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impersonating

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posing

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sometimes his words don't come out in a coffee needs to be more coffee.

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They pose themselves. Then there'll be a man who will make a fake account, posing himself as a woman and he'll be using a woman's pitches but he's seen all over Facebook and say that's for a different name.

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Do this crazy world out there.

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The less pictures you have online the better.

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So when you're married, there's no need to put all your wedding pictures. Okay, if you want to just

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share them with a few family members, friends relatives to send them on WhatsApp or something like that. That's okay but like putting it out where you want everyone's likes Wow. Mashallah. Mashallah amazing sister, amazing brother amazing sister, it just,

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again, we have become attention seeking crazy maniacs.

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That's what this is attention seeking.

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So many people don't get attention to real life. So what they do is they demand attention in real life. So this is how I would like to look. And then you put all the filters and then put a pinch in. And that's all you are beautiful. You're beautiful. Especially if you're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're getting that dopamine, crazy, but beautiful, beautiful. Because in the world, nobody's telling you a beautiful, nobody needs to tell bankers, and all those people sharing your beautiful. Online, it's easy, just behind the screen. You're beautiful. It's easy.

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Nobody, you're not beautiful, because people tells you tell you you're beautiful. And you don't become ugly. Because anyone tells you ugly beauty and ugliness has nothing to do with what people say. It's how you feel.

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It's how you you yourself in your heart feel.

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There's no definition. There's no definition of beauty.

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It's relative.

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somebody finds totally beautiful, somebody finds short, beautiful, somebody finds skinny beautiful, somebody finds a bit larger, if

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somebody finds totally beautiful, somebody finds short, beautiful, somebody finds skinny, beautiful, somebody finds a bit larger.

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So relative, it's not what people think society makes you think that this is what beauty is. Beauty is crazy society. How you are in yourself. This is an I've gone off topic.

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This is these are all other separate topics that I've also talked about. Because this is you know, people need to understand this, this whole system that's been created around us.

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All of this is making people depressed.

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All of this is making people depressed, anxiety, stress, you need to look in a certain way you need to act in a certain way. There's no need for Can everybody forget the

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beauty is how you are as a person, feel confident, feel good about yourself. Have a connection with robot beauties in the Moroccan character, how you as a gentle person human be that makes you beautiful,

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and come with men and women.

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So anyway, people enter marriages with too many high expectations. And this is fueled by internet because now people are looking at other people's marriages online. This is how we should be and then they think we don't get in our life. So then they have problems. And also watching too many these soap operas and bollywood movies and hollywood, bollywood especially. That's all fake, it's all camera. So they think you know, when I get married, I'm going to be you know, like, I'll get my husband to be like Sandman, Han and all this kind of stuff to pick me up. And we'll have some romantic times. And this is how romance that's what real life that's just a camera, cut, finish.

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That's those same people even though that greatly. They will never have any divorces in their life. They have the most divorces, many of them also involved in drug abuse. You know, most of the celebrities are the most depressed.

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It's hidden, but they become the most depressed. Depression in Hollywood, there is so much depression inaudible

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so much depression. It's millions and millions don't doesn't make you happy.

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properties and failing doesn't make you happy. Happiness is a Never mind that a loved runs into the heart. So many of these actors are in depression,

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anxiety

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despite having millions of

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visitors to look in this way he has some expectations from the men are so extreme and crazy to rule, a Muslim that comes in a different way. Happiness is something else you could have less than you can be so contented, happy.

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And you could have millions and you could be completely depressed in the mind. So therefore

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have less expected to these days and she has to look in this way and she has some expectations from the men are so extreme and crazy.

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Honestly, what can I say there's just so many things, there's not

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just one point, the expectation from the man that his wife has to look in a particular way and has to

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like to be absolutely explicit, maintain a finger.

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That's ridiculous.

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Because what happens is, this is not a man and a woman's connection is spiritual.

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When you are spiritually connected, you're gonna grow, you're gonna be 55 your wife's gonna have wrinkles, then what you're gonna lose, okay, that's what people who are not physically, spiritually connected, and it's all of our lust. Then the moment she has some wrinkles and given birth, some children and some stretch marks that say you want to go for another night, 21 year old, that's what they do.

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The connection I mean, open and frankly, the connection has to be spiritual or spiritual.

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Likewise, sometimes expectations for women, my husband has to look in a certain way or has to be in a certain way or he has to earn a certain amount has to be like x y Zed.

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Don't expect too much from marriages. If Allah has given you a spouse, as long as he's not you know, this just simple as a nice human being. He's earning a bit of money and you're eating you're breathing, you're living in Toronto, such a beautiful city, you go outside you could have two buttons.

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You can breathe air. What else do you want in life

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came out of the hotel today and

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I was able to breathe such a great

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thank Allah 100 times that I was able to breathe today. Just take them

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home in the morning and not come here

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that's why I read the 200 year

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old thanks to Allah who gave me life after I died and

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when you sleep

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well let me

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those who die souls and those who have not died in their sleep robotics with their souls for human psychology

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the ones Allah has decided that that's it no more in the world he keeps holding on the souls while you're still in allegedly Muslim.

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So anyway, just

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try to make life easy generally, like I was saying yesterday, number four quickly moving on immature attitudes. This also this is more like a male problem, per se. And want to still live a bachelor lifestyle This can cause problems. This is very common. I've seen this a lot a lot. Especially in the beginning of marriages.

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So many so many cases that I've dealt with when because they get married the 2425 and they're still thinking like the bachelors are living a bachelor lifestyle they just think you know, going with the maids

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you know within the brothers this joke Sisters now the devil is to one you know what the teasing is? When you get married a Seder gonna see you that's a disguise got married? Be proud, you are married? Yes, you're not gonna see me anymore? Of course not. say this, would you say yes, this is this is this is the way it was was encouraged me up every now. So now I don't have time to spend with friends. give time to your

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family.

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So sometimes, despite getting married, they become very mature. They're still remaining, they still remain immature, they still act as though their bachelor's

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maturity is a very good quality to have.

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For both men and women, mature maturity. There's beauty and maturity and going back to what I was saying that you know this beauty is relative. You can't some people like blue, green, these are things we can't control how we look.

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No control

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how our facial features or we don't have control over that what color we have. We don't have no control that

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this man is a good friend of mine. We have programmed a lot of times together so like people.

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We don't have control about these types of things.

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But what do we have control

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and is not a good trait.

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Especially for men and both both men and women but why especially for men. Because islamically as well as outside still have you know, there's no control. So, but what we have control over in terms of beauty, then we should take care of that much

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royalty is something that makes someone beautiful. That's something we have the control of

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being immature, irresponsible.

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And Islam generally

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a woman supposed to be mature but in a relationship, without going into the depth of this in a relationship, the woman is supposed to be a bit more emotional than the man in the relationship.

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And if you understand what I'm saying, but anyway. So

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this is why, you know, to finish on this point, there's a big trend nowadays.

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of

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I'm talking about outside the wider community is a big trend of younger girls wanting to be relationships with older men is a big, big trend.

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I'm telling you things from Khurana

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thinking what how does this go and all of this

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is a big, massive trend.

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They object when it comes to your mother on hand, the messages and a lot of it was an objection, and others as well, in the earlier times, they make all objections when it comes to religion. But right now is so common, especially in North America, it's so common, so common, extremely common.

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Young girls in their early mid 20s, they actually prefer older older men, this isn't like absolutely common, it's becoming very common.

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One of the reasons is they like maturity. That's what they say, Aaron read the whole article his reasons for it.

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Anyway, so maturity is very important. Number five is another point, a breakdown emerges in mature,

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outside interference.

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outside interference from family members and friends can be detrimental to a marriage being prosperous.

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This is really important reason. Marriages break down, divorce occurs, divorces occurs, separations happen, problems in marriage because of interference from others. When I say others,

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family members as well as friends and the wider community.

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People interfering in your marriage.

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Don't let others affect or influence your life. And this happens more sometimes for our sister site.

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You'll have a marriage, it's not perfect. Like I said yesterday, there's some issues. Your friend sister will come and talk to you for two hours. And then that's when your husband comes let's say you

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just because your sister your friend came and spoke to you about something.

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She's probably going through a breakdown of marriage and she wants your marriage to break as well. So you have some company property. Who knows?

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Don't let anyone else influence you. You have a con you have a brain you have your own personality understanding. You look at your own marriage Don't let anyone interfere or influence your decision rather than is it from the messenger RNA send them a conical the actual Arabic words.

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Anyone know

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turns a wife against her husband.

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Recall the rest of the

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warnings is a sinful act.

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So going and likewise, not just for turning the wife against the husband likewise the other way as well. Someone turns a husband against the wife. You have a male friend and saying you know what you thought was married to her up

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until now, how can you keep

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she's doing

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rather you should be a marriage maker. You know family make a normal marriage record. Others can give sincere advice. Sincerely from the heart. If someone asks you for advice like First of all, don't ask to the no button. But if someone asks you to look into this is what the situation is. Try to save the marriage help them be sincere be when asked to the no button. But if someone asks you to look into this is what the situation is. Try to save the marriage help them be sincere

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Once more than what you want for yourself, but then you should let the couples deal with the issues themselves.

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This is my family and friends and relatives and people ask good advice.

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Even the moms, I would say, I mean, this is my normal practice. I never

00:30:21--> 00:30:37

always, you can try, you can work. It's possible. And then if you want to, I will never say yeah, do you think we should go for divorce? It's up to you. You decide. I'm not telling you. But no, but do you think that we should now just separate? I don't know. I don't live I'm not you. I'm not.

00:30:39--> 00:30:57

I don't live in your house. I haven't lived together YouTube for 10 years. You know yourself best. We can't make a decision. Sometimes some people think that the moms will make a decision the moms are not there to make decisions for you. scholars are not there to make decisions for you.

00:30:59--> 00:31:00

I was given every everybody uncle.

00:31:02--> 00:31:06

This is another problem in our community where the local the general public.

00:31:08--> 00:31:10

When they come to the Imams, they act as though they have no

00:31:11--> 00:31:15

no brain. Every human being is intelligent.

00:31:17--> 00:31:23

We respect the scholars, we listen to the scholars we take our Deen from them we learn from them but we've got a callus Well,

00:31:25--> 00:31:26

we don't become passive.

00:31:30--> 00:32:15

Don't become passive. Allah has given everybody aka people aka human beings with core qualities. We are all intelligent people. So therefore, sometimes you have to make your own decision. Take advice, go to a shell. And remember only ask advice from people who you think is really sincere people who think are really sincere, those who fear Allah subhanaw taala fear the messenger of love for the messenger sallallahu Sallam act upon the people who think sincere mature understanding balanced have no personal agenda involved and see what they say and then decide. So other people should not interfere Did you find that headed simply was shocking. Now,

00:32:16--> 00:32:17

check online

00:32:25--> 00:32:25

for

00:32:38--> 00:32:48

number six is very important. And living together with them can cause marital conflict. It is best to live separately especially in our times this will go a long way in preserving the marriage.

00:32:53--> 00:32:54

Lisa mean

00:32:57--> 00:33:01

the one who turns a wife against her husband is not from us.

00:33:07--> 00:33:08

Not from my community.

00:33:15--> 00:33:16

Please hominem and upset the

00:33:19--> 00:33:20

same kind of meaning.

00:33:22--> 00:33:27

Meaning from us is not the one who corrupts a woman against her husband.

00:33:28--> 00:33:29

Upset

00:33:30--> 00:33:32

against her husband. And in both ways.

00:33:35--> 00:33:40

Your look both of these woman hubba hubba mo

00:33:43--> 00:33:47

so the one who makes a man again turn against his wife, there's a specific

00:33:49--> 00:33:50

message

00:33:53--> 00:33:55

and he mentioned some other things as well Hardyman either

00:34:01--> 00:34:10

someone who makes a worker turn against his boss just basically trying to corrupt relationships.

00:34:11--> 00:34:14

You know, some people they love doing that as their job.

00:34:15--> 00:34:17

They take on the role of Java who

00:34:19--> 00:34:21

whose role in Java taking

00:34:24--> 00:34:26

NEMA you read to ship on or you carry the common

00:34:28--> 00:34:32

shipper makes all of this. So chiffon is basically you know, just

00:34:34--> 00:34:34

shape

00:34:36--> 00:34:59

the word shape on out from there. It's not only he believes he believes his one shape on shirt on is not his name is not chiffon. His name is Elise. shavon means someone who turns away from Allah, the one who's cursed shavon shavon. So she could be Iblees is Shiva, but there could be many others.

00:35:00--> 00:35:07

sheltering an insulated gym. That's what the Quran says Shelton against virgin, there's loads of shopping, there's so many Satan's human form. And

00:35:09--> 00:35:16

so anyone who does this has become the gym shaper, to someone tells you away against your husband or your wife to say, Yoshi.

00:35:20--> 00:35:24

Basically, that's what she is, doesn't mean.

00:35:25--> 00:35:26

So anyway,

00:35:28--> 00:35:42

expectation from in laws and living together, this is also a massive problem. A lot of expectations we find in our communities from which can cause marriage problems. Sometimes the couples themselves are happily living in a very, very good relationship. But what happens,

00:35:44--> 00:36:11

there's expectations from in laws, and that really puts pressure, a lot of pressure on the couple, and brings problems in their marriages. Now, when we say in laws, both sides in laws from the brother side, and from the sister side, from the man side, from the woman from the bride from both sides, but generally in our communities, they expect there's most out of both sides. If you look at the man side,

00:36:13--> 00:36:20

that's that's where the Met mainly the expectation impression poses. But sometimes it's from the wife side as well.

00:36:21--> 00:36:39

It's less, but you have that. So let's talk about the last part. But so for example, expectations they keep on checking every week, like is my daughter eating? Have you fed up having bought a pizza? or sleeping and the mothers calling every other day? What was he doing to you? Is he okay?

00:36:41--> 00:36:48

There's a hadith where there is a Sahabi This isn't a famous Hadith is how he called up the law.

00:36:49--> 00:36:50

house.

00:36:53--> 00:37:01

He was newly married, he is a major companion was the name of the law, and the liberal arts, his father's house.

00:37:03--> 00:37:29

Both major companions, father and son, and even the mother homework, the lecture was a major companion that the whole very normal family. So his father, he sees himself married me off to a woman from Croatia that has like a very, very good background. The Hadith is long, and I don't want to mention, I mentioned that for another reason. But the point here is after he married,

00:37:30--> 00:37:31

his father married in law.

00:37:33--> 00:37:42

This isn't Sahil ohare his father, periodically used to check whether his son is treating his daughter in law

00:37:45--> 00:37:48

has to ask his daughter in law, k for

00:37:50--> 00:37:51

fulfilling your rights.

00:37:54--> 00:37:55

What is he doing? Asking?

00:37:56--> 00:38:05

The daughter in law is my son. Looking after you not asking the son is my is your wife looking after you?

00:38:06--> 00:38:07

This is what happens.

00:38:08--> 00:38:14

So parents will worry more about their own son or daughter they won't care about other person

00:38:17--> 00:38:20

will actually we won't even fulfill the

00:38:21--> 00:38:35

hope of justice. Because Because this connection of parents I know parents love their children. But this is love should not be a reason cause of just treatment.

00:38:38--> 00:38:39

You have to work on this.

00:38:41--> 00:38:46

Love becomes blind. And you have it from a young age. You know you have young children.

00:38:48--> 00:38:53

They're having a fight in the garden, your five year old and the neighbor's five year old.

00:38:57--> 00:39:05

The neighbor's child scratch scratch. What about? Well, he did what she did to them, you know, we always just stick up for our children

00:39:06--> 00:39:11

even in madrasa, like our children school, we always stick up and we spoil them like this.

00:39:13--> 00:39:19

So anyway, these are the live monopolies to ask. Every so often.

00:39:21--> 00:39:29

No expectations, no interference, these points outside interference and expectations that kind of connected five or six.

00:39:31--> 00:39:35

Just a general check, just check. She's still alive. Yes.

00:39:38--> 00:39:39

Some mothers

00:39:40--> 00:39:46

don't keep on calling Korean moms know. When you get married. Talk to your mom. Definitely. But don't tell

00:39:48--> 00:39:50

all the details of what happens and how many

00:39:51--> 00:39:59

pieces of bread you ate and what you did. Some girls they talk about everything. Even the bedroom department

00:40:01--> 00:40:05

How her husband was touching her in the bed. That's what he described to

00:40:06--> 00:40:16

me, he did this and he came by 1107 in the bed room. And then he picked his phone up at 1108. And then he went to the toilet, and then he wasn't smiling at me.

00:40:24--> 00:40:32

So this happens a lot, you know, sometimes they just own and talk about everything, talk to a lot complain, make a complaint to have a conversation.

00:40:34--> 00:40:34

yesterday.

00:40:36--> 00:40:37

So

00:40:38--> 00:40:57

sometimes this is the interference of expectations. So expectations like are you looking after my daughter? How much money are you giving my daughter? are you providing for a taking on holidays? Like, what is this question? Did you take my daughter to the holiday? Like she's married to me, I'll take him when I want to if I don't want to take

00:40:58--> 00:40:58

five years?

00:41:06--> 00:41:09

What kind of question is that? And how do you take my daughter to a holiday.

00:41:12--> 00:41:37

This is their life, they know best. Let them live, don't interfere. Now they are husband, wives they are they are one, then that's when you step in, again in a calm, composed manner without becoming crazy. You're mature parents, you're in your 50s 40s 50s 60s, whatever. So in a very calm way, try to defuse the situation. And if it's divorced, things divorce.

00:41:39--> 00:41:42

But that's when things are bad, not smooth most things.

00:41:43--> 00:41:47

So this interference sometimes occurs from the wife's family.

00:41:48--> 00:41:55

And more so than interference, definitely more so in our communities. interferences from whose side

00:41:56--> 00:41:58

the husband's side, that's the main problem.

00:42:00--> 00:42:11

expectation from the mother in law and the father in law, the wife's mother in law and father in law, some communities they think that the dude has married the mother in law father in the mood and

00:42:13--> 00:42:14

they get married to him.

00:42:15--> 00:42:32

islamically there is no responsibility, there is no requirement whatsoever. You are not doing anything wrong, or makuta hurry mamaku Tansy O'Hara for or nothing if you don't do anything, not even as much.

00:42:35--> 00:42:58

There's nothing wrong. What so Ella, in Islam, you do something, you get a lot of reward. But that's your reward in between you and Allah, you want to do it, do it, if you don't want to do it, that's up to you. Nobody makes you feel bad. Nobody should make you bad as a woman, a woman is not marrying. That's not her father and mother

00:42:59--> 00:43:00

called them.

00:43:01--> 00:43:06

Out of respect, no problem, but they don't become the rights of parents. Don't apply to them.

00:43:09--> 00:43:17

They are the parents of a husband. He needs to fulfill the hook. And he should not force anything on his wife to do for his own parents.

00:43:18--> 00:43:21

And I will tell you that I've mentioned this many times before as well.

00:43:23--> 00:43:49

As we live in a society when there's expectations from NGOs, when there are expectations whenever there's expectations. So for example, a mother in law expects that when the daughter in law comes into my house, and when she marries my son, she has a lot of expectations. She must wake up early, she's cooked the food in the house, do all the stuff. So because she thinks that's her

00:43:50--> 00:43:59

right. She deserves a right she expects it she demands it when she expects it. Now what happens

00:44:01--> 00:44:16

any time on any particular day when the daughter in law she's wildly neglectful you know, not with it on that day or she's slacking off slightly likely what happens? The mother in law will

00:44:18--> 00:44:19

she'll get what?

00:44:22--> 00:44:23

Hello brothers.

00:44:25--> 00:44:26

Sisters, I think

00:44:31--> 00:44:31

so

00:44:33--> 00:44:41

the mother in law will become worse I'm gonna need some answers and mother in law will become what upset you can speak so they can they can know that the sisters was

00:44:42--> 00:44:43

upset and angry.

00:44:45--> 00:44:47

Why? Because she was expecting it.

00:44:49--> 00:44:51

Now let's take the reverse scenario.

00:44:52--> 00:44:55

If the mother in law was a practicing mother in law,

00:44:56--> 00:44:59

this is how you become practicing practicing is not just a job.

00:45:00--> 00:45:26

Much more to them than that. She understands Islam. From open a wide point of view. She understands that this woman has married my son. I have no rights over her. So I'm not going to expect anything. I'm not going to demand anything. So she's not demanding expecting anything that don't no one way. or whenever she's doing things she goes and gives it or cooks breakfast for her.

00:45:28--> 00:45:30

She she's not demanding it. What will she do?

00:45:32--> 00:45:36

What will her response or attitude be towards that breakfast was cooked?

00:45:39--> 00:45:46

appreciate Sure. No, no, no, no. Like right now you can do some breakfast. I don't expect you to

00:45:47--> 00:45:48

give me something

00:45:50--> 00:45:52

to Morton's I wasn't expecting it's

00:45:54--> 00:45:55

no need.

00:45:56--> 00:46:00

So she'll appreciate it should be thankful every time they do they know is doing something says thank you.

00:46:02--> 00:46:03

Now when she thanks,

00:46:04--> 00:46:09

appreciate and thanks. Shows gratitude and sugar.

00:46:11--> 00:46:12

What will the results of that the

00:46:14--> 00:46:17

sisters know the answer to this better? What was the results of that?

00:46:21--> 00:46:21

know

00:46:27--> 00:46:29

if someone appreciates,

00:46:31--> 00:46:36

give me answers for them. You'll do more next time. Come on sisters, you know that you just need a little bit.

00:46:38--> 00:46:43

With sisters, the more you know, if you want good food from your wife, just just crazy food and you'll always get good food.

00:46:45--> 00:46:46

You have to be a diplomat.

00:46:47--> 00:46:51

You just you know what that specific dish butter chicken that you make.

00:46:53--> 00:46:57

There's no way in the world you know, even restaurants can make you that

00:47:00--> 00:47:01

then they want to do.

00:47:02--> 00:47:12

So now if the mother in law is appreciating and thanking she, the daughter in law will in next day she rather than waking up at 630 for breakfast at six o'clock.

00:47:14--> 00:47:15

And give more in return.

00:47:17--> 00:47:20

Now what's happened? Look at this scenario, what's actually happened? What's happened.

00:47:22--> 00:47:51

In both cases, she is looking after her mother in law, the family. But in the first scenario, it's in us in a distasteful way. The mother knows, upset, angry, why do you do a and then she doesn't like a wife? You get angry at me. Even if she does it just got a face on like I have to do it and doing something without your heart. In the second scenario, she's doing actually more but she said no, no, no, don't do it. Don't do it.

00:47:52--> 00:48:00

She said no, no, no, no, I won't do it. So it's being done again. But it's done with love with wanting to do it.

00:48:03--> 00:48:09

So this is the approach of Islam. And even if she didn't do it, then it's not a requirement from our point of view

00:48:10--> 00:48:24

that there is no requirement. And that's why I said here as well, that it is many scholars have said that is better to live separately. If the wife wants to live separately, then you have to live separately. That's the basic right of the wife.

00:48:27--> 00:48:33

Some say even if the wife says no, I don't mind it's still better in this day and age causes less conflict.

00:48:35--> 00:48:37

One of the scholars of the subcontinent acuminata

00:48:40--> 00:48:47

in his time, 60s and 50s. His story is written in his books, he says according to me, I think as soon as your son gets married,

00:48:48--> 00:48:52

separate house as soon as they do. That doesn't mean they need to go Jupiter to live.

00:48:53--> 00:48:58

And one son goes to the malls Some people say oh the loser look after my parents will do it.

00:49:01--> 00:49:06

You will never come back from space. Next to live across the road, live live

00:49:07--> 00:49:17

somewhere else. live close by you can live next door if you want. Visit your parents every day. If you got elderly parents cook at your home and going into food

00:49:18--> 00:49:23

rather than cooking together in their kitchen, because then there's gonna be problems to women in those same kitchen problem.

00:49:26--> 00:49:30

So cook at your house, ready made food here if you want to.

00:49:32--> 00:49:47

But sharing the same house sometimes can cause problems. Sometimes it can work. I'm not saying it's definitely that we should do it depends on each family. Some families can live together fine, but if the wife wants to live separate,

00:49:48--> 00:49:53

then it is the responsibility of the husband he has to give her separate

00:49:54--> 00:49:57

and separate means like anywhere close by as well is enough sufficient.

00:49:59--> 00:49:59

So

00:50:00--> 00:50:40

This is a basic rule. This will go a long way in preserving the marriage. Number seven, many marriages break down due to bad character and misuse of the term. We covered this yesterday. So I'm not going to go into this because you know what I talked about? taco dusky. So that's connected to this until both past spouses do not have the fear of Allah in the hearts and accountability of the Hereafter, it is difficult to fulfill each other's rights yesterday, I explained this in a lot of detail. Number 80 level dunia obsession with wealth, money issues comparing marriages or old ingredients of marital conflict. Again, I covered this when we talked about density. Remember,

00:50:40--> 00:51:01

reforming the heart went through each separate spiritual disease and how it affects the marriage. So we don't need to go into that many issues, comparing marriages, all of these things, a marriage break, look, just look at this line, this line is important. A marriage based on money can never be prosperous. And honestly, this is

00:51:03--> 00:51:13

through experience. With so many situations of so many people's marriage problems. Any marriage, the basis of which is in wealth and money

00:51:16--> 00:51:19

will never be prosperous. Look,

00:51:20--> 00:51:28

money and wealth is important in marriage, like in any aspect of our life. But it's not what a marriage should be based upon.

00:51:31--> 00:51:33

is the foundation is all on money.

00:51:36--> 00:51:40

That is going to be problems. Money comes and goes MANOVA

00:51:41--> 00:51:46

one day, you rich wonder you're not rich. That's it people couples of divorce, because

00:51:48--> 00:51:55

there's one I know situation where the man was rich, and he lost overnight money, something happened The next day, otherwise, it was

00:51:56--> 00:51:58

like there's no problems in the marriage.

00:51:59--> 00:52:03

like crazy to three children.

00:52:05--> 00:52:12

He was like very rich, start learning some I don't know why this was years ago. And then next day, this Muslim woman wants a divorce.

00:52:16--> 00:52:22

I just couldn't understand that, like you want a divorce next day. So until now, where you are away from where you are.

00:52:27--> 00:52:28

To know where you are right from where you are.

00:52:30--> 00:52:31

You know what I mean?

00:52:33--> 00:52:38

When someone marries just for money, that's what they buy in a dignified way.

00:52:40--> 00:52:47

Some people do it on the streets in a non dignified way. Some people just if money is the actual issue while you're getting married for

00:52:49--> 00:52:55

money is okay. It is considered had it

00:52:58--> 00:53:37

can be considered doesn't mean that you know, look at golf at all. Of course, you want a bit of stability in your life. So that's fine. One of the things to consider. But what I mean here is that a marriage which is completely based on wealth and money, there's nothing else only money that we look at that marriage can never be prosperous. Number nine. And I already touched upon this yesterday and I said I'll talk about this more in detail tomorrow. But I don't know if I want to go into this too much today. is today's a different day. porn addiction. I gave some examples yesterday. I think they should be sufficient.

00:53:38--> 00:53:42

You guys are too pure in your heart to know the details of

00:53:44--> 00:53:56

this filth basically. So it's best not to even mention it. We talked about this yesterday. I told you there's a there was a book remember I mentioned 25 which is worthwhile reading for more details, how it affects marriages.

00:53:57--> 00:54:13

But just a couple of minutes. porn addiction and sins such as fornication free and casual intermingling with opposite gender glancing at local things, dressing inappropriately will all have a negative impact on one's marriage.

00:54:15--> 00:54:24

So many marriages end because people have affairs with other people. That's another common thing. It's outside wider communities.

00:54:25--> 00:54:46

Because people are living in a mixed world and they're dressing appropriately and they are flirting with another workplace. That's what happens. That's what is it not November, right? That's what's gonna happen in December. How many people will be ending up doing Xena married people? I'm talking about non Muslims in the wider community and that's what happened in December. December is the month of Xena

00:54:47--> 00:54:47

for them.

00:54:49--> 00:54:55

I'm sure you guys know what happens. Christmas parties or whatever they are. loads of things happen.

00:54:57--> 00:55:00

They get drunk and then just because people

00:55:00--> 00:55:02

Dressed inappropriately, and

00:55:03--> 00:55:07

now we're saying that's what happens to them. But you know, even in the Muslim community,

00:55:10--> 00:55:13

I want to depress you. But I hear I because I know a lot of things.

00:55:14--> 00:55:17

Seriously. There's a lot of things that happen.

00:55:21--> 00:55:31

And lawful connections, relationships, whether you're married or not married, whether you're a man or a woman, you've got children, no children, this goes on.

00:55:32--> 00:55:36

So called practicing or not practicing, as well.

00:55:38--> 00:55:45

It's the weakest instinct of the human shield bond. He believes Yeah, that's his name.

00:55:47--> 00:55:57

That's the thing that he attacks the most. He might not able to attack you from making a missile or he might not be able to attack you from some other angle, but this is the way he will attack you.

00:55:59--> 00:56:02

It's a very, very, very, very difficult situation to be in.

00:56:04--> 00:56:14

So therefore, when you're married, not knowing when you're married, even before marriage, especially when your marriage is protect, protect, protect yourself have barriers

00:56:15--> 00:56:17

around you wherever you go.

00:56:21--> 00:56:25

Thomasina Oh, you believe don't even get close to the No, I didn't say

00:56:26--> 00:56:33

oh, you who believe don't commit Zina, la Takara boo, anything that could lead to avoid

00:56:35--> 00:56:42

anything that could lead to everyone knows their own situation, what could lead like sometimes, you know, people ask, is this?

00:56:43--> 00:56:46

Is this permissible in Islam? Is this not permissible? I tell you one thing here.

00:56:47--> 00:56:50

I actually delivered a course. Recently.

00:56:51--> 00:57:01

It was actually just a course specially for sisters. It was an online thing. This is online organization like organism of courses. So they've been doing course with different teachers.

00:57:03--> 00:57:09

It's all about felco for women, you know, I don't know something like that the title but anyway, my session was

00:57:11--> 00:57:21

rules of interaction and the job and all of that, like I spent two hours going through a lot of detail of the rules of hollower, a job dressing,

00:57:23--> 00:57:26

intermingling all sorts of things.

00:57:28--> 00:57:34

Now people say what about just sitting and without a barrier, as well otherwise, you're never gonna fly to the UK.

00:57:37--> 00:57:45

There's intermingling takes place in the plane like, intermingling is not how close you all how many meters like have to be away for a moment. That's one intermingling.

00:57:46--> 00:57:48

Otherwise, you can never sit in a plane.

00:57:50--> 00:57:52

Because you're sitting here, right next to

00:57:54--> 00:58:03

a woman sitting on that seat. You're sitting here that's one intermingling. sitting close to one another is not considered to be a restaurant. That's my opinion.

00:58:05--> 00:58:06

So that helps.

00:58:07--> 00:58:14

But that's not intermingling. intermingling is free, casual, flirtatious conversation.

00:58:16--> 00:58:25

What happens in some weddings, dressed him appropriately joking around messing around flirting, making some wings

00:58:27--> 00:58:28

exchanging phone numbers.

00:58:30--> 00:58:31

This is not

00:58:33--> 00:58:34

so

00:58:35--> 00:58:50

all of this has to really be avoided. Especially marriages, marriages break down because of this. And I was I didn't talk too much about the porn addiction. But I mentioned that yesterday. I remember I gave an example that

00:58:51--> 00:58:55

just this last point, five minutes

00:58:56--> 00:59:04

remember, I mentioned this I'm sure if somebody was here yesterday was here, but I talked about porn yesterday quite a bit of detail. But there's people who actually

00:59:05--> 00:59:21

once this is an addiction once people get an addiction, remember yesterday, I was saying that even now it's becoming common in women but it's more of a man problem. addiction to porn is a major major disease. That's 89 and six months it isn't

00:59:22--> 00:59:26

all your life. It's an addiction.

00:59:27--> 00:59:35

Seriously, use people who start watching porn from a teenage years it will stick with them until they are Buddha. As they say.

00:59:37--> 00:59:53

It's an addiction. Crazy addiction that destroys your life, marriage. Everything. We need to talk about this. There should be Jehovah's Witness. You can't brush things under the carpet. people's lives have been destroyed by this

00:59:55--> 00:59:59

imaams umbrella and shoe from people they should be talking about this openly.

01:00:01--> 01:00:03

I feel like writing a whole separate book just on

01:00:05--> 01:00:06

a separate book on it.

01:00:08--> 01:00:11

I was going to add a chapter in my old book Islamic guide to sexual relations, but I think

01:00:14--> 01:00:17

it's really bad. It's really, really bad.

01:00:21--> 01:00:22

Some people ask,

01:00:24--> 01:00:25

people ask,

01:00:30--> 01:00:44

okay, but anyway, you get the point. It's really, really smart. It's, it destroys marriages. There's one thing I just mentioned here, it creates psychological impact. impotence

01:00:45--> 01:00:46

is one point and that's it.

01:00:48--> 01:00:49

You know what impotence is,

01:00:51--> 01:01:08

especially in men, impotence, not able to fulfill the rights, intimate sexual rights of their wife. One is a physical type of medical type of impotence. That's not your fault happens it could happen you need to go and get some remedies and treatment whatever.

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But there's one psychological one which means there's not nothing physically wrong but psychological and that is created by porn addiction. Because what porn addiction does is that it makes a man unresponsive in a non porn way to intimacy

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so if what that means that for example, there's a specific style or scenario that he gets important if he does not get that he won't get that with his wife of course. Remember given example yesterday the man was sleeping next to his wife and she went to sleep and then she caught him halfway through the month I mentioned that he was watching online why because his wife how the points two minutes and this is what happens in porn, they get bored with one aspect of porn then that stimulates them for like five six months after that they get no excitement from that then have to go to stage two you have to go to stage three that stage was different different aspects of it and some crazy weird

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things and people who go in there they go to craziness, absolute craziness like animals and stuff like that.

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It's crazy.

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The whole industry and it's a multi billion dollar industry destroying the lives of human beings all of them should be banned should be laws to ban all of them

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nobody bans them because all the money people are the top game with the money as well.

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Massive industry

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protect yourselves protect you don't in the olden times, it was difficult to now you don't need to go anywhere fall

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to get experienced or exposed to porn.

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It's very easy. Very easy.

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Before even online, you have to go somewhere now it's on YouTube, probably.

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I don't know for sure. But I'm sure it's there. Like they could just search in Google and it comes up Why do you think like this just younger children got a phone they just have to put like you know go sex in Google.

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And they and young children eight 910 years old they are very good.

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Curious, curious

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as to experience even 10 years old never performed once by mistake like for two three days. He was using his mom's phone base taking his room bedroom just chimed in.

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And he typed out ones go Google I checked it because I checked the search everything

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and then that's it after that. I took measures that never ever ever, ever ever happens

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is searched it and then the pages came up on some of them are nude like

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those were the pictures that came up 10 years old. It's just curious. No problem at all. You have to add a discussion with them to look

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at at least the title there are no boy.

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At least

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you're a boy, like when you think about these issues with the children. But anyway, therapy of children is another topic. And lastly, just quickly number 10 10th reason look more than others before this if you look at it, point one 2.9 are all things that break down marriages that we can do something about. The last thing is something we can't do anything about

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That's in compatibility. You are a good Muslim practicing. You've taken all the measures, there's no love of dunya there's no expectations from in laws or from outside interference. There's no immature attitude. You know, there's no high expectations. generals are not mixed up men are from Mars, you understood that? Venus and difference. All of this is by yet sometimes, there's something beyond your control that will bring down a marriage, which is in compatibility. Now this we should try to, before getting married, you should try to see if this compatibility, but you can't be sure sometimes you try your best and still you went to the marriage, you thought you're compatible. Once you got

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married, you found once you start living with him, you found this look, there's no chemistry, there's no connection, there's no compatibility. Here, you could be the amount of time and Robin.

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It's still. That's it. It's just two different people. You're good human beings, you're good Muslims, you're practicing all of Islam. It's just that you're not there, you're not right for one another. So when there's no compatibility, then it's going to cause problems and this is what Islam says.

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It's just a workout. So therefore, there is no compatibility between the spouses, which could lead to marriage breakdown. As such, it is important to make a well informed choice from before but even if you do, and then after you get married, you realize, look, there's no chemistry, there's no connection, there's no compatibility. Here, you could be the amount of time and robbing me of the time. It's still an urgent just Southern patients in innama. You often saw the ruination of militarism, or Islam says go for a divorce divorce is not haram and that's why next point strapped to break. We're going to quickly look at this divorce and separation.

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Time is a need we need to take questions as well but I will do this with 25 minutes script a brake controller