Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #06

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Mirza Yawar Baig

Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig

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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu salam Allah shall be able mousseline. Muhammad Rasul Allah is a highly highly he was he was seldom does it even Kaziranga sera from Abbado, my brothers and sisters, you know session on living Islam we are looking at the issue of marriage.

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And this is a very important issue because we are looking at something which is a matter of our life, our life choices of what we choose to do in life of how we live our lives. And as I said, a good marriage is quite literally heaven on earth.

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And a bad marriage is the opposite.

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The good news is that both of these weather to make your marriage heaven on earth, or to make it a hell on earth is in your hands.

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It's not in your hands alone, it's in the hands of both the people

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or the partners. And if they both decide, they can have the most beautiful life you can imagine. Or they can choose to make their own life, a living hell.

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Obviously, it's not a sign of intelligence to do the latter. And therefore, one hopes that people will

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look at how can I

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live my life and allow the other person live their life in a way where both of us benefit from this beautiful institution of marriage.

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We were looking at various issues, we looked at the importance of having a common goal. And

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therefore, and we're looking at these issues in the context of choosing a spouse. And as I said, choose somebody who, with whom you share some interests.

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ideally speaking, if you can share, if you have, if you have somebody that you don't share interests with, then at least to share the understanding that you will give each other the space to indulge in your own interests. But the only problem with that is that

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if the interests are too diverse,

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then the chances are that

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the amount of time that you're going to spend together will be proportionately reduced.

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So if I have an interest, which is completely divergent and different from my wife's,

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and I am with that interest, and she is with her own interest, it means that we are going to be living apart, may not be physically apart, maybe in the same house. But in terms of time, we are going to be apart for much longer than we will be together.

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And that cannot be beneficial for the marriage. So it is better to have a marriage in which we have common interests.

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You need support in your life goal.

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Remember, I mentioned the importance of having a life goal and how it's important to have somebody, your spouse who supports you in your life.

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So whatever the life goal is, whether it's to change the world or to raise children. Now you need somebody who will share your pain and your joy, and who will give you give you ideas and who will listen to your ideas with interest. You need somebody who does not run your life goal down as being unimportant.

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You need somebody who has a life goal that inspires you to invest your time and your energy and your emotion and your thought in it.

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Serious long term pursuits are the secret of happy marriages.

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Not at parties or boys night outs, or the bowling alley, these are not

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these are not the secrets of a good marriage. A good marriage is where both the spouse is have

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serious long term interests in which they help each other and they work together. So they are really partners.

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In a an activity which is beneficial. Remember, it doesn't have to make money I mean, let's not get confused with that. I'm not saying necessarily that this kind of business, whatever it is,

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it should be something which is serious which is long term and which in which both are intact.

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So

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then we look at the,

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I advise you, when you're looking at a spouse or selecting a spouse, look at their family, the whole family,

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I know you're not marrying the whole family, but you are in going to be a member of that family.

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See whether you fit in.

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And if you don't fit in, then think about what are the

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places where you will need to make adjustments.

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Now if the places where you need to make adjustments are reasonable, and something which you can handle, then it's okay. But if

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it means that you are going to have to completely transform yourself and turn into another human being, believe me, no matter how attractive that person seems to be, this is something that you will not be able to do. And I seriously advise you do not go and marry someone like that, where you will need to complete the chain yourself

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is not over, it won't happen, it will only result in misery for you and for the other person at the end of the game.

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So, look at the whole family look at their look at their religious practices, look at their culture, look at their habits, look at their lifestyle, look at their norms and customs. Right Look at all these things. Because for example, you might be a person who is extremely orderly, you might even have some level of OCD in that matter. So you want everything you like to have everything, everything in its place.

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In addition to the wash, the sink in the kitchen always empty because dishes have been washed, whether they are in the dishwasher or whether they are washed and put on the rack, whichever you want to make you want your house to be in an orderly fashion, nothing lying around here and their clothes folded in the racks, shirts in one place trousers in one place and so on so forth, not just strewn everywhere, you know, you go somewhere you find a shirt hanging over a sofa, or you know.

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So you are like this, this kind of person.

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Now, you are attracted to this wife

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of yours, or yours, or you are the lady and you are attracted to the man.

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And this person is a man whose idea of life is you know, we should be comfortable. What does that mean? It means that my room is going to look like a tornado, we just went through it.

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And his or her attitude is so hard.

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Yeah, so closer on the ground. So what this is because of gravity, otherwise, they would have been on the ceiling.

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Believe me, that marriage will last exactly two weeks.

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Don't get into that. And don't think for a moment that either of these temperaments is going to it is going to change. Because for the most part, this kind of these kinds of things are hardwired.

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The person who is comfortable with chaos

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is somebody who is comfortable with chaos.

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Which means that if you are going to force them

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to pick up things, and to fold them and put them and you know the way that is done also I've seen this whole thing. Now you have this

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usually Xander hair, right? But maybe it's something else. Maybe it's a shirt, maybe it's Adobe, whatever, is lying on the floor

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or laying on the bed.

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So now I'm saying why not because I'm being disorganized, or misogynistic or something. But this is how the Congress usually goes. So the wife walks into the room, she says this thing.

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Now what will

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what you your what's your ci do? What should you do? If you are in that place? You should pick it up and put it where it's supposed to be right? This is bothering you. This is not bothering the one who left it there in the first place. So get rid of your botheration pick it up put it where it's supposed to be.

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But that won't happen. What is you know? She will say she'd call you Hello? Yes, come here.

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Now whatever you are doing, leave that you come there. When do you say what is this?

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What is this?

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And God help you if you make a wise, you make a wise like, Oh, that looks like the crown jewels of Queen Elizabeth

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and then you wake up in hospital.

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After that, right?

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This is the I mean, the point is that if this is the temperament

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then

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don't touch that person with a bargepole. It's not gonna happen

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i'm not saying there's anything you know intrinsically great and wonderful about throwing your clothes around No, please put them back. Put them in the right place. But I'm saying that if you have now a wife or a husband who's like that

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How will you do this? Make sure that you check things before

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think about food.

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in Kerala, people cook with coconut oil. Now I've had a friend of mine who tell me the I love the food I mean I am very fond of, of Malibu, my sort of when I go to Canada when I go to Cochin or something

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and I'm there for three four days I eat I'm there on a constant diet of fish, Korean rice,

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or German and rice. So I'm not talking about I'm saying the Colgate in coconut right now I've got friends who was telling me Look, I can't eat hair oil, because for them Coconut oil is what you put on there.

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And they say when I eat my food, I'm selling this hair oil.

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So cuisine can be an issue. cuisine can be an issue if that is your novel, you might say well, you know, my wife will learn to cook he will learn to cook or you will learn to walk whichever one it is and then you will invisible because you want to eat your kind of food. And that's not at that is not happening in your house. Right? So one thing for example, you marry and an Arab girl or an Arab man. Now most Arabs eat practically no spice, they practically no chili.

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And we this is, I mean, unless we have smoke coming out of our ears, it's not food.

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So we need to be clear in our minds about what we're doing, then

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issues.

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Now, some issues are of course completely incompatible, because families which are into grave worship and dargahs and, you know, doing all that stuff, stay far away, they do, please do not even imagine that you will do it to their family and, and, you know, cure them. And

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it's the My point is, yes, maybe you are this exceptional character who can do it, but I would say err on the side of caution, leave it alone.

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Leave it alone, don't worry into that family.

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So, some issues are totally you know, incompatible, others issue other issues may be may not be incompatible. But

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no, it be very difficult. For example, seriousness about Salah Take, take the issue of hijab, right? And you might find it very tough initially, it's, you know, the, the wife is very attractive, so you marry her because she's very beautiful. And then of course, you'll discover that she is

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she doesn't do his job, she's, you know, quite comfortable walking around, without a job with with you know, and you'll find this more and more difficult as time goes by, you'll see people looking at her wish she's an attractive woman, people are going to look at her, and that if you have an era, it will make you feel jealous, and it will make you feel bad. And this is a good sign for you. For you. It's a good sign because it shows that you have some higher and some shallow

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but how long is it going to last?

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That's the question, how long is it going to last?

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You might have also issues of authority and so on and so forth, depending on you know, how she he or she, both of you looking at it, so from the family.

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Then the other issue also is that,

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you know, if you

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post marriage,

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are you going to be living on your own? Or are you going to be living with the family?

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and usually it is the woman who moves in with the man's family.

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How will you deal with that?

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I know both cases, I know people who deal with it beautifully. And they are extremely happy. And I know people who cannot deal with it. And they are extremely unhappy and the marriage breaks up.

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Now I know that we believe that we are not burying the whole family but believe it especially in our subcontinental culture in the DC culture in the in the Middle Eastern culture

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In some cases in African,

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in African culture among the Sudanese, and the Somalis, and, you know, people are all of these cultures, we are people who

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are into big families, right? Everyone living together, there is a patriarch, there is the grandfather, the father, who's the head of the house, there's a grandmother who's the real, you know, boss, she's, she's the power behind the throne. Right? And the whole, everything runs beautifully, as long as you follow the rules. But if you don't want to follow the rules, then there is held to pay.

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Right? So cultures in our culture, as the family is very much a part of the equation. So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life fighting to keep your wife or husband on the right track, then you'd better make sure that the family is on the same track as you are.

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The same. As I said, this is same track as far as he was concerned, as far as seriousness towards Islam is concerned. That should be the number one consideration.

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And then that's why I tell people sometimes you know, I tell people, if the girl

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does not wear hijab, don't marry.

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You're not married, make this as a, as a go, No Go condition.

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The girl must wear hijab, the boy must have a beard.

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And both must pray regularly, five times a day without any

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delay.

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Fasting most people fast, so we can say that also. But these two things.

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I say, make this as a condition because at least the beginning is good. And you don't have a conflict on this. You're not fighting with the husband, why does the Why does he shave? Because we know it's a it's a major sin.

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Right?

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Why doesn't he pray?

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How can I live with a man who does not pray? Because he can't give? If he's? If he's constantly not praying, then we're not even sure. Is he still in Islam? Is he out of Islam? Or what?

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Why is he was the same thing? How can I live with a wife who doesn't pray? How can I live with a wife who is does not do a job?

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Whose clothing is, you know, how our way our sense of dresses

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is inspired by shaitan?

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How can you live with somebody like that?

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So best thing is, don't get into it.

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Don't get into it. And after that have all sorts of conflict. No, there's no sense. Make this as a precondition and insha Allah, Allah, Allah will give you a spouse who is obedient to Him. Remember, a spouse who does not want to obey Allah

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is not going to be

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a spouse who is not concerned about the form and the order of Allah. a spouse is not concerned about the son now for as well as a Salah is not going to be concerned about you. Because no matter how pretty you are, how handsome you are, no matter how whatever attractive you are, you are not as important as Allah orders Rasul Allah he set up. So if you if that person is the man or the woman has no regard for the order of Allah subhanho wa Taala and no regard for the Sunnah of Rasulullah Salah, then Believe me, they are not going to have any regard for you.

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So don't get into that kind of a situation in the first place.

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Make this as a precondition.

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So that is why it's very important. Now again, I'm not saying that the

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the Father, the wives of the husband, family must be an absolute replica of your home No. But remember that the degree to which there is a difference to that degree, you will have to adjust and change. And remember also that all change is painful. And so the less change you have in your life, the happier you will be.

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Now if you are if you marry into a joint family,

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you will live with your husband's family. In rare cases,

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the husband may live with the wife's family, this is not common. The most common is for the wife to come and live with the other family. Now I'm not saying that you that you should not marry into a joint family. But if you do, then please do it with your eyes wide open. A big heart and a thick skin and lots of patience and willingness to change yourself and adjust with those people.

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Otherwise you are headed for torture.

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Which will kill your marriage sooner or later.

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Living in a joint family can be very dry. Very tough in the hero now, but can be very rewarding when you grow old.

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So keep your eye on the future and accept the present as the price for not being lonely in your old age and dying alone in an old age home.

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If you still don't even take it, then don't marry into a joint family.

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Joint families mean a lot of support, especially in the raising of children, as well as in all gamut of situations.

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I grew up in a joint family.

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I was born in my grandfather's house,

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in Aziz Baba in Hyderabad.

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And

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the Roadhouse, we are surrounded by our aunts and uncles.

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as little children used to run around, we used to play and whichever aunt or uncle's house we were in, when it was mealtime we had

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with our cousins.

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My parents were not concerned their parents, on average, my cousin's parents were not concerned, they knew that we would be in one of their brother's houses, well, wherever we were, we would eat that.

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Any emergency, instantly, there were people at your door

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to help you. And these were your own,

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you know, cousins and your own brothers and sisters.

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There were conflicts. Sometimes there were serious conflicts.

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Despite that, the way the conflicts were handled, relationships did not break.

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relationships were intact. Alhamdulillah and no matter what the conflict in a time of crisis, they all came together. This is this is my memory of growing up in my grandfather's house and this is back in Hyderabad.

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It's not that everybody agreed on everything. Of course not. Do you we were people like anybody else. And you know, things were things that we liked and disliked and Aveda, disagreed as ones over.

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But we ensured that the boundaries the other, the huddled of good behavior of talking to each other, or dealing with each of these were never fractured. These were never broken, we made sure that didn't happen. Our elders made sure that didn't happen. Even when they were very serious. Obviously, I'm not going to be talking about what those conflicts were but dealing with a very serious conflict.

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Despite all that,

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they did not stop talking to each other. They did not cut off relationships with each other. They did not stop inviting each other they did not stop going to an accepting invitations when we they were invited. They participated in weddings, they participated in functions. At each time they went and met each other and they greeted each other, we're not being hypocritical. If I if I have a disagreement with you, and I come and I greet you at ease, it doesn't mean I'm a hypocrite.

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That disagreement is still there.

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That still needs to be resolved. But that does not mean that I will not talk to you because you're my brother, you're my cousin, you're my uncle, your aunt, your whoever.

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Now, this is the beauty of joint families, there is always support but again, it is not automatic, we have to work for that. But we have to work for that. So as I said, if you don't think you can work in this way, if you do not think we live like this, then live on your own do not marry into a joint family.

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Raising of children as I mentioned, this is this is there's so much of support however also this is out the other side. However also you will find behavior in your own family. Which if you choose to you can you can interpret that as interference.

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Simple things for example, commonly in almost every joint family. If you are going out anywhere, one or the other of the older people, they will ask you as a guide or a karate Maori namami cada COVID Where are you going? When will you be back?

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Now you can see this as Why should I tell you where I'm going? Who are you to ask me where I'm going. When will I come back? Excuse me? Did you look at my face.

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I'm so old. I'm 40 I'm 30 I'm 50

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I'm going to tell you when I'm coming as you I have to come some curfew.

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This is a way of looking at it, a negative way of looking at it a very bad way of looking at it. The good way of looking at it is, there's somebody who's concerned about you.

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Because a day will come when this question will not be asked, Where are you going? When will you be back? Nobody cares.

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Nobody gives a damn.

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You can go You will never come back home, we don't care if you're living alone, what happens, you drop dead, they find you a restart thinking.

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That is the beauty of living alone.

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As the people who are dying of loneliness, what they will give to have a joint family around them.

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My brother sister, I want you to understand this, this is a live is this this is live life is that there is two sides to every story.

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And it's up to us what we want to do.

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So, if you want to see

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concern, as interference, this is your choice. Or if you want to see interference as concerned,

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that is your choice. So whatever the behavior, you want to call it nosey you want to call it, interference, you want to call it concern, you want to call it, you know, caring, it's up to you. But both of this have consequences.

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Leaving your family and leaving the joint family and living on your own.

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Once you're in a joint family, to leave joint family and go off live on your own, this can be a big decision as well, resulting in a lot of heartburn and a lot of you know bruised egos on all sides.

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And, and strained relationships and emotions is not easy did this, this also can happen. That is why it is better to take the decision in the first place and say that I'm going to marry in a joint family, no problem. And that means I will adjust whatever needs to be done, or I will not vary. Now, a final word of caution for those

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intrepid souls who think that they can change others

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that they please understand Allah subhanaw taala guarantee that to himself. He kept that in his own hand, maybe you can change people, and if so, about you, but more likely you are like

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the rest of the world.

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Which only believes that it can change people. Anyone who looks at someone before they marry them, and they say, I will change him or I will change her. And then they will be just fine is taking their life into their own hands. Quite literally. If the person you want to marry needs changing, let somebody else do it. You will leave them alone. And you will find someone you can admire, someone you can look up to and someone you want to be like, and somebody don't need to change. Right leave them alone. marrying someone by looking at a profile on the internet is like playing Russian roulette. You know what Russian Roulette is?

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Russia relates to take a revolver with six chambers, put a bullet in one chamber, and then hold it here and start firing right so tick, tick, tick, nothing happens, nothing happens. But if there is a bullet in the chamber, it will go into your head and that's it.

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So it's a gamble,

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and a gamble that I would seriously advise that you do not take with your life.

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I've seen too many lives ruined by people marrying from profiles on the internet.

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If you do not know enough about your spouse, you're not married. Islam permits you to make inquiries and to meet the spouse before marriage

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along with your manner to ensure that you find out in afford

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Islam permits a woman in a tab to take off her niqab and show her face to her prospective husband. And to talk to him face to face one on one ask him any question for him to ask her any question before Islam does allows you to do that.

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Right? And if you still don't want to do that, you still want to marry a face on the internet. That's your choice.

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Please understand that

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ask yourself.

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Listen to what I have said in these last two or three lectures.

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And ask yourself how much do I fit into this myself?

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How many of the criteria do I meet?

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Am I likely to be a good spouse for the person that I marry?

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Right? Think about that. take it seriously, because quite literally, your life depends on it. It's your life that we're talking about.

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Make sure that you do what it takes

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to choose the right spouse.

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That is where it all begins. The whole story begins with the choice of the spouse

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as well as raw data to give you the wisdom to choose the right spouse and to make the adjustments to become the right spouse so that you have a beautiful marriage that lasts you as long as you live was Alana will carry Hualalai. He was having a baby

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or salovaara Kumar