Lecture Manner Matter Teaching Your Children Adab

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Mohammed Faqih

Channel: Mohammed Faqih

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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I would never

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think of me

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wanting

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more or less

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Welcome to this first introductory session

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of this series of talk titled matters manner, sorry, manners matter

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or a matter of matters, okay?

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For matter of matters.

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Again the title for this for this series is matters matters.

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This

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this discussion will focus on the type of manners and etiquette that we ought to teach our children. Now,

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I'm not going to come here and say, Okay, here's what you have a T shirt is 123456. And here's how

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you know regarding that, that's not the purpose of this show. Well, we are in the process of getting getting you a book, getting a booklet available. In the meanwhile, there is this book here, Islamic etiquette.

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It's from the work of shape of a book which is

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translated by Chemin de Zaragoza, struggling into English, very nice illustrated

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set of manners one should should have, and it will be very helpful for the parents to have this go over them with their children.

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But how important is this whole subject of

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all has to do with?

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It all has to do with how we perceive this relationship that we have with our children, our children, brothers and sisters are our investments.

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And the chromosomes chromosome one money in the head is told us right? The Prophet peace be upon him told us that

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the actions or the deeds the good deeds of the circle battle will be seized the moment the minute they die, except from briefing one of those things that is a righteous child that prays for the righteous child that prays for

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paradise entrusted us with this responsibility. And so it's entirely about the Almighty says in Surah 66 verse six Do not forget the 666 66 verse six, Allah subhanaw taala says, Yeah,

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the

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Baku

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regera array.

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Lay out soon.

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Oh, you believe guarding yourself guarding yourself, protect yourself, shield yourself against

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yourself as well as your family as well as legal. The members of your household against a fire

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whose view is men and stones.

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Protect yourself and protect your family.

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That also tells us that the true losers are those who lose themselves and their families are the losers.

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But in them ha syrena nanny refers to

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someone being me Oh 1pm say that the true losers are those who lose themselves and their families and the year after

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Now,

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we know that this is a system is a comprehensive system. I mean,

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maybe

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in a couple of weeks, I will talk about this a little more. But when we talk about it's not what do we say love is a complete way of life. It's a complete comprehensive way of life, right? This comprehensive way or system that we know as well, this this belief system that we know as snap, right, has various aspects. And sometimes we,

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many people neglect it altogether, they neglect the whole system. And they only turn to it when whenever they are confronted with a challenge or whatever they find themselves in a crisis.

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Others

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turn to the snap, or turn to certain aspects of the snap, and they neglect other aspects.

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Sometimes people approach Islam, or they present them in a way to satisfy their own personal interests. Right, I'll give you an example, just just of this particular title. So you would know what what you know what I'm what I mean by this, when, for example, a parent or one of the spouses basically uses a snap, right? Whenever they are asking for any of their rights.

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So the snap is not really,

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you know, a binding or following Islam or adhering to some is really not an issue is still one of my rights are violated. Now I bring Islam, I use the Islam card or the Islam factor, oh, wait a minute, this is

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this,

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you know, this is obviously not right. Nor it will work in order for us to really, first of all, fulfill our obligation before the loss of power. Secondly, in order for us to succeed in raising our children and maintaining this relationship as we should, we have to adopt, and we have to,

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we have to adhere to the whole system. And I'm not when I say we have to adhere to the whole system, I'm not saying that you have to take that all in its totality that nobody can, it's not feasible, I'm saying you have to accept it, you have to adapt, it is a gradual process. And that is a lifelong struggle.

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It's something that you will struggle with for the rest of your life. Right. But we have to accept the whole system and we have to use the system as it should be used.

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Now, how does this system work?

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Or how does this this

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this moral or ethical system that we have work? is actually let me just step back a little bit.

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Islam has the relationship that we have with the loss of cannabis.

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Right, it has the law, the rule is, what is what is the do's and the don'ts. Right? And it has the the transactions or the the dealings between people. Right. And that is

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pretty much. That's what we're talking about, in my opinion,

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and how we interact with each other, we ourselves as well as how we relate to lots of animal data on how we deal with the loss of habitat all has to do with this last portion of

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my initial focus was going to be the adaptive fine manners and etiquette that many of our children lack.

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Talk about them, give them you know them islamically and then say, and then talk about how we can teach them those then, obviously, some of our children, really, I mean,

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even us, I mean, if you really want to follow the process, because there are many that we don't know. Right. And some of some of those cases actually really saddened me.

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And sometimes we are so upset and angry at them. In my opinion. Again, I'm not justifying, but I am explaining in my opinion, they're their victims. They're the product of our teaching and our upbringing. Right. Sometimes, you know, some of us might be very upset for example, if the boys and I will be very again, this class is meant for the adults, it's meant for the parents. So if you think that there's anything that is not appropriate for you sharp is at your discretion. But for example, if you see you know, a child

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not using the toilet properly, standing, urinating is that kind of set.

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This is this is against the end of Islamic edit.

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Don't be angry that

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someone failed in teaching that child the proper.

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Right?

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And or maybe we, you know, the failures of all kinds of stuff, types, one type maybe that the person never bothered, maybe they didn't know it was maybe they're just the product of the previous generation that nobody told them that this is the this is against Islamic.

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Right? Maybe they didn't teach but they did not teach in the proper fashion so that the child didn't didn't adopt this. So this is what we're trying to show as well just to, to to talk about originally, that was my fault, I was going to just focus on that I realized that had that are nothing but the results, or the products of luck matters. And maybe we need to tackle this issue and take as many sessions as we need to cover as much as we can show of Islamic ethics and how we can teach our children.

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Now

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the life of a human being is divided into two parts, right? There's the first part which we don't see, right, which is

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what

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which one is

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pre, pre with no pre birth, right. And then there is the

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there is the post birth and after that. So the part where we don't see is when when the child is and even when they are

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when a child is a fetus, they still have some some rights, right? And some of the things that we might we do might affect the level either, I'm not gonna get into it, I'm more concerned with those who are, who are here, who made it. Right.

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When it comes to,

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to, after birth, when the child is is, you know, arrives to this to this slide, there are two critical stages,

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two critical stages, and the adolescence or the child, the child's, you know, upbringing, the

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What do they call it?

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The early childhood, right? And when they reach the age of puberty, or when their adolescence, right, these two periods are very, very critical. And each one of those periods have to be approached differently. And I'm not going to get into that this is not my parenting or, you know, trade, but I'm saying is even Islam recognizes that. And you will pick from the statements of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, that, that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling us and also from not only from his statements, but from his own, from his own example, and it's about to set up that those two periods are approached differently.

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It is not fair for instance, to demand from a three year old to understand the depth and the significance and the wisdom behind certain Adda

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right. It is not all from a five year old.

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It is not, you know, conceivable, right.

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But at the same time, we have to understand that once they're past that period, where in the service call center to me, right, the level of responsibility has to be greater. And this notion that they are still children, that that we are children until we're 18, very, very destructive. It is not helping America become a better country, as you see. And obviously, it's not gonna help us have healthy Muslim family and healthy Muslim individuals. If you're, if our children basically are put under the notice they're there, they're pretty much under the impression that they are. They're supposed to be irresponsible. There are children, right? until they're 18. Or until they go to

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college.

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What we have to understand is there's an Islam, the child is a young adult, if they hit puberty, and that could be as early as what

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10 910 or more than that they're held accountable. That's why Mr. Shea said it is the parents responsibility to teach the child whatever they have to learn from, from the belief that Akita and all of that the ACA as well as the adapt that they need, in order to function as as a Muslim, they are held accountable. So we have to understand we have to let them know. Right.

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And there are many evidences for and that shows that there's some that some makes any distinction between those two periods.

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Now, what is the ruling?

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Is it optional sometimes we think teaching them we think

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Providing

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life, you know, some of the basic necessities of life is an obligation and most people are well aware of this obligation. Maybe, maybe because legally you have to do this. Legally you have to provide all these things, right. But a lot of people think that teaching adapt teaching manners is also an optional thing.

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We think that Okay,

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my, my child,

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we expect them to learn things on their own. Right?

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The

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It is the responsibility based on

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the various based on the verse that I recited to you from Surah

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Surah Surah 66, verse six, that it is the responsibility of the parent, meaning it's the obligation. Why did you were Why did you mean that if a person fails, in fulfilling this wager, they are held accountable before a must be handled with the ad, it is the responsibility of the parent to deliver that information in the best possible manner.

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Right, and to facilitate and if they cannot do it themselves for any reason, they're too busy, or they cannot or they don't know or they may not be competent, or they may be not educated, whatever it is, they will have to seek someone, they will have to find them someone that will fulfill that need for them. It is the parents obligation. In Islam, it's an obligation whadjuk like, like any other obligation.

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It is a parent's obligation. Now, in the Hadith, the prophet SAW A lot of it. So it says

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that all of you are responsible for literally shepherd and everyone will be asked about their responsibility.

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Now, insurance, there's a very nice

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observation that was made by some of the scars look as sort of Maria

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actually the story of Marian herself with Luca supermario, verse 55.

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a loss of habitat increases profits to marry. What does he say about him? When goldenfields Nikita is married, right mentioned in the book, The Schmidt

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in Ocala saw the Convert. He used to be truthful in his promises mean, he had an upright he had a very he was a virtuous man, his character was amazing. I think he's

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no Kennesaw different one, he was an example. So what kind of idea? And he was indeed a messenger and a prophet.

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What can I add more as a level of solid he was a cat. And he used to command or order his family, the members of his household would follow up. He used to order them. He used to monitor us to demand from them. What kind of

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salah and they can this this is just to represent it. That's not the only thing that he asked him to do. But these are the two main areas that right? So he was concerned with that. We know from the story of Miriam. Right and sort of Allah from the story of Maria, who took care of Maria, who raised her.

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The Korean Professor Korea right now, when promised that Korea would walk in, he walked in and he found what was it there in the head is the type of food that he knows, he knows that he was taking care of her he didn't provide. He didn't say Mashallah. What did he say? And where did he get this from?

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What was it out of curiosity? No, because he's responsible. He's an educator.

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He is responsible, he needs to know, where did you get this from?

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Who gave it to you? How did you obtain this? Right, maybe, you know, maybe the person got it from

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role source. Right. Now.

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I find many cases where, you know, some of our children might have might obtain certain things might have something in the past never never asked them. What did you get this from? Who gave me this?

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What if What if you and they think of their SUV? I mean, this is many.

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If anyone has to the courier could have just said Oh, she's she's a virtuous woman. You know, she's nice. His wife's nice. And I said, he should have said I trust her and not ask a question. But he questioned her.

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He questioned me this is not a matter of press. This is this is a trust on your part.

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So it shows me that how concerned the prophets and messengers were

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Those those two examples that I gave.

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Now.

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And of course, there are many examples in the life of the Prophet sallallahu, alayhi wasallam that show this. So we have to be concerned your child, you see something with your child that you don't have a government

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that shows the level of concern. Sometimes there are parents or children, their parents who are totally oblivious

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of what their children are into or what they do.

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In fact, a parent should be proactive and start asking in anoint type, but they need to, to know they need to allow one of those most devastating stories is of a child that

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had a baby without a parent know.

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These things happen in communities.

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And it's not like, these are isolated cases anymore, maybe 10 years ago, 15 years ago, we used to call them isolated cases, we don't like to talk about them, we didn't have the courage to bring them up and talk about them. But it's no longer an isolated case. It's not one case here. And there, it became so common children building relationships, you know, all

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right.

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So one has to check in these days, you have to do extra work, if you decide to have a child in the 21st century, you have to you have to do a lot of work, especially in their teenage years. And one of those things that you should do very often, by the way, and if you watch some of those reports, like 2020, or a prime time or a, what do they give you all kinds of tips, one of those things that you should do on a regular basis is Google your child's name.

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And if they know that they have a nickname, or a screen name, that is like their favorite Google letters, but one of those things that you need to keep up with are the various trends that they're into these things, I suggest that you go and you should have access to their, to their Facebook,

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or whatever.

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Don't you have that agreement? First of all, in my opinion, when it comes to computer, if you remember, last year, we brought someone we brought

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he got his first name. Well, Katie, right is with Paramount. He came in we talked about about child safety, right. And when it comes to cyberspace and all of that,

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and one of those tips that we're do, I remember this specifically is that the computer or the laptop is very nice about it anyways, but the computer or the internet connection must be in a common area. Actually, for all of us. This is even for the adults, it should be in a common area, you should be able to see they should not have any secret or anything that they they feel like they need to hide from it.

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There's anything that they need to hide from you. That means chances are it's wrong.

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It's wrong, you don't have privacy until you have your own

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your own earning and you have your own your own salon, this relationship has to be healthy, it has to be positive, that that you can't just go and impose this on them overnight.

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And this starts from early on.

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The child has to feel comfortable coming to the to the parent, but what I'm saying is, you know, nonetheless, we need to know what they're into.

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We need to we need to know what what they are surrounded with, you know, something, I say, I have a very good child, I trust that child. Okay, you may trust your child. But do not trust the people around your child. You don't know them. You don't know what kind of upbringing they have. In the future. We'll talk about

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certain manners, manners, eating, drinking, sleeping habits, all these all these things.

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And instead of just having them as habits, you know, some of us, for example, might be in the habit of teaching our children to go to sleep at eight o'clock every day. And I don't know why that schedule changes on the weekend or when they don't have school.

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I just have

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no, no.

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That's

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okay.

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Because they're here.

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But what I'm saying is okay, there has to be some kind of

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there has to be a set time. You know, one of those devastating means is if I go to Saturday school or Sunday school in some areas, and then the child comes they're very tired. What time did you go to bed five o'clock in the morning? While I was watching TV, I couldn't sleep.

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Why do you do this during the weekdays? No, I don't because I have school. Why is it okay to do this on the weekend. Of course trading sleep before if I do not refrigerate the sleep through. And sometimes I might miss the weekend school or sometimes they make up

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The Weekend school not really ready. And what were you doing watching TV?

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At night? Were your parents were they? No, they weren't.

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I think, you know, if the parent is not watching TV, their children, late night TV should be absolutely brilliant.

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But anyways, we'll talk about this later in the show. But what I'm seeing is sleeping habits. There are certain things that the prophets have taught us sleeping habits, I mean, the processes have spoken about keeping the children at home or not letting them outside, at the time of sunset,

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were able to get it

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is that your phone?

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Give me

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the proxy wasn't for example, for instance, we spoke about keeping them indoor during certain periods of the evening, right.

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So some of those habits that we think

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does not say anything about it's not actually just say like eating habits, or drinking habits, using the restroom, many compensation, the other compensation, all these things, we will talk about those specific, they will give you handouts

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to help you. But first things first,

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the most important aspect of the game that has to be explained. And no one can do it better. I mean, you can bring someone else to teach them and tell them, but the child in order for the child to be to feel to feel confident. And to trust that piece of information. It has to be validated by the parent,

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they have to get some kind of validation from you.

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No matter how much I tell them, they will always come back to you, especially if it's something that is beyond their understanding, they will come to you and say, oh, guess what?

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So we have to be on the same wavelength. When it comes to this matter. The most important aspect of our existence is the oneness of the last time

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that we worship, none but the last time that we prayed to God, we believe that no one has the power that a loss of data has, we believe that we all have to answer to a lot and we have to demonstrate this in our in our behavior with them, they have to see they have to see that your concern the word alone, and what it must handle it to add it knows about you has to come up in your conversation, it has to be part of what about love,

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you know, they have to see that it no matter how much you try to preach or talk about the Hadean theory, if they do not see if they do not see the reflection of that concept in in your practice. And if it's not reinforced in their practice is not going to make any difference. So I can sit here all day and say a loss of habitat is watching us a loss of habitat knows everything that we do. But if if, if I don't show it in my action, if you if that question is not raised is a must for this.

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For example, you send them over somewhere or you tell him to do something, tell him remember that I was watching. I said

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remember that I was watching. I'm not watching him I'm gonna be there. But I'm also

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teach him to do things for the sake of Eliza.

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It was said that I

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said Sarah setup, he found a young Shepherd

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mining some,

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some sheep, and he was with his students. He was with his students. And they were sitting eating. So they he said to this young man, he said why don't you come and eat with us join us. So the shepherd who was who was working for someone else, said to him I'm passing today.

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He was a teenage boy. He said I'm fascinated. So he said

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on a day like this is a very hot day, very lengthy.

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So he said

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yeah, he said, he said, Why don't you come and break break your fasteners? So he said, No, no, I'm not gonna break. So he said, Why don't you sell us one of those sheets, sell us a little sheet. We'll pay you the money. You take that money and you go buy yourself food, a time of zero and you break your fastball. He said, Well, the Chiefs don't belong to me they belong to my master. So he said to him, tell your master the wolf aided

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that the wolf attack, kill. This young man was very upset at this suggestion, of course, was testing him. He was very upset and he said to him find a law firm.

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What about a law? What about the law? If my master doesn't see me? What am I going to say to a lot and he was so upset with him and he walked away crying that someone actually

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Wright suggested to him to neglect this duty to die. So I mean, normally when he went back to the city, he looked for the for the owner or the master of that of that slave boy, and paid money for him and he freedom

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and the freedom he knew that he had. But this look at this self awareness, the person asked himself, what about a lot was watching.

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Number two very important aspect that he said to me, number two, get them used to being

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cultivate or

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motivated to become courageous and to become, to be to be brave and to be to have the strength to confront to confront themselves, right? Because recognizing something to be wrong, identifying Something is wrong, and saying no to it, resisting peer pressure, requires

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confidence and some courage. If your kids are not courageous, they don't have permission, chances are one day under peer pressure, they're going to

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say so. So that we have to do that, and there's no one that will,

00:31:21--> 00:31:26

there will, there will be no one that could actually provide that more than the parents.

00:31:32--> 00:31:33

Okay.

00:31:38--> 00:31:39

Now, also,

00:31:41--> 00:31:50

know that this, this, this process is a gradual, it's a very, it's a gradual process. And they're in use the appropriate methods at the appropriate time.

00:31:52--> 00:32:05

Some parents want their children to learn everything. And the reason I turned this into a series, I didn't want to talk about all the adults because I don't want you to take and give you the book, you take the book, and you can take this you have a week

00:32:06--> 00:32:34

to learn and get used to all of this. No, it's a lengthy process. For example, teaching them the proper, proper Islamic etiquette of eating and drinking, that requires some time and it requires patience, patience, enforcement, it requires you yourself to really stick to it requires the whole family coming together. Okay, what do we say before we what are the approximate features, you know, it's requires the whole family coming together. And it's a lengthy process until they are used.

00:32:36--> 00:32:37

So but it's a gradual thing.

00:32:45--> 00:33:01

Please have a very positive attitude and positive relationship with them. Approximately, I cannot recall any any incident where someone had a negative attitude, especially with with with young people, he always had positive attitude. So posture is very, very important. If you expect them to be good.

00:33:03--> 00:33:14

They wouldn't want to disappoint you. If you expect them to be good. Yeah, there is a good chance that they will try to do their best not to disappoint you, if you expect them to do to be back

00:33:15--> 00:33:18

and to have issues they're going to give you issues.

00:33:21--> 00:33:24

So be positive one of those very, very destructive.

00:33:27--> 00:33:47

Stay out of that parents have for their children as being frustrated and fed up with them. I can't put them and you make the child feel like they're they're the greatest burden in your life. And when we don't have children, we've been the last How long have you been Shiloh? Well now that we have them they become the greatest burden and my wife was telling me that Oprah had

00:33:49--> 00:33:52

a couple that had with like a children or something.

00:33:53--> 00:33:59

But my wife was just talking to me about I need to say that it's just amazing when you see what people are going through, you go like Oh,

00:34:01--> 00:34:01

hey children.

00:34:04--> 00:34:05

So

00:34:07--> 00:34:14

But imagine if these eight kids or if they have that one child or those two children of yours, they feel like they're the greatest burden in your life.

00:34:16--> 00:34:28

You can't put up with some of you can't put up with their energy. Actually I hate to use the word put up as many parents by those are some of their very honestly let their children know that they're putting up with them. I'm putting up with it. I've been putting up with you.

00:34:31--> 00:34:35

So we need to be very, very positive with them. The promise of a Walmart

00:34:37--> 00:34:40

I mean, look, the story of the pumps who was in them.

00:34:43--> 00:34:44

Okay.

00:34:46--> 00:34:47

I'll tell you.

00:34:49--> 00:34:49

Tomorrow, Abdullah

00:34:51--> 00:34:56

Abdullah said Dad said, reported that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam

00:34:59--> 00:34:59

walked in

00:35:00--> 00:35:14

One day, he said, you can go Rasul prayer he walked in. And he had either an asset or an essay with him he had, okay. So you walk through the process, and then and then he placed him next. And he started the song.

00:35:16--> 00:35:18

He started the song seven leading the song.

00:35:19--> 00:35:21

So the process of what it

00:35:24--> 00:35:29

means to do when he needs to do this, this grant sort of his client and set on his back.

00:35:31--> 00:35:32

And the process of

00:35:35--> 00:35:37

promoting the salon, or prolong the schedule,

00:35:38--> 00:35:39

right?

00:35:40--> 00:35:43

after he finished people set to the class, and then

00:35:44--> 00:36:13

today promote the suit, it was a liberty to do. Were you receiving Why? Or is this something new that you're teaching us they wanted to know? So the promise of Obama himself said this, none of the above, none of these things. But this, this son of mine, or my grandson, actually, of Tallinn, he wrote me like, like an enemy, he uses a word that is used to rewrite an atom. So he says he won't, he climbed on my back, and he was sitting on me, and I hate to spoil his fun.

00:36:15--> 00:36:16

I don't want to spoil.

00:36:17--> 00:36:17

So

00:36:19--> 00:36:23

he said, I didn't want to spoil his love is what

00:36:27--> 00:36:42

we have to know that we have children, they have needs, those needs have to be fulfilled. And I'm not talking only about physical needs, and you know, food and drinks and other things, they have other needs, they have the need to to bring their energy, they have the need to have fun in their life. And the parents have to be involved with that.

00:36:44--> 00:36:53

The parent has been well, if we didn't realize this when we decided to have children. Now I guess we know. Right? So we have to adjust. We have to adjust.

00:36:55--> 00:37:15

Islam has taught you have talked about this. Now a lot of Muslims come they say, Oh, look, look at the, you know, for example, you're talking about non Muslims, or a typical American family or a family that has helped the relationship. The father takes his children to the baseball game, the mother takes them whatever, they do things with them activities, and they go there and they cheer. I remember standing in the soccer field, my nephews were playing. And I went there to

00:37:16--> 00:37:52

cheer them up with my brother. And my brother looks at me and says, Can you imagine my dad, my uncle watching us play that used to be prohibited to play? In the old days, you have to sneak in and play? So we live in a different time. Right? And so Pamela Muslim families are yet to catch up with their counterparts from other from other faith groups, or we're yet and some of us look at this as to be a waste of time. Being in that child's life being part of their, their their activity that we're not, I mean, okay, where did that come from? Islam says this.

00:37:54--> 00:37:57

That's not what I find, when I know that I look into the life of the Prophet,

00:38:00--> 00:38:00

the

00:38:01--> 00:38:02

estranged

00:38:03--> 00:38:05

child by the name of

00:38:06--> 00:38:12

he loses his birth, his birth dies. So the process goes and checks on him gives him condolences, it gives him emotional support.

00:38:13--> 00:38:14

What happened to your bird?

00:38:16--> 00:38:17

What happened to your birdie,

00:38:18--> 00:38:23

and he's giving him that support. He didn't say it's just a silly, dad.

00:38:32--> 00:38:42

We talked about this in the past, and I keep repeating it. Another very important aspect, being just in being fair with the children to be just in our treatment,

00:38:44--> 00:39:09

resolving their confidence and taking interest in their issues in their lives. The process of abuse recognize the presence and offer them set up. Not only that, but he used to resolve their conflict if to fight or have issues. He will get it and they come to the profitable advisor, a little girl who'd come to the processing wise and grab his head and the processor will walk with her to see what it is that she needs. He might want to show something dangerous or something, something that is

00:39:10--> 00:39:17

that is frightening to her. Something that needs to be right. So we need to, to really pay attention to them in that

00:39:22--> 00:39:25

using the best of of language with them.

00:39:27--> 00:39:31

Using the best of language. I've heard kids repeat words and

00:39:33--> 00:39:33

words.

00:39:35--> 00:39:38

And sometimes they repeat words in a language that they don't understand.

00:39:40--> 00:39:47

Where did you hear that word? You need to know whether it means no I know. But my uncle uses it. Okay, forget about

00:39:48--> 00:39:49

my stepdad is.

00:39:50--> 00:39:51

He always called me.

00:39:52--> 00:39:57

He always. He always called cause my my sister and

00:40:00--> 00:40:11

I mean, imagine telling someone programming someone, right to consider themselves shocky or to consider themselves like, miserable, or to consider themselves.

00:40:13--> 00:40:44

One of the things that they say, bad boy or bad girl, in this kind of language, eventually that child will say, if that thinks I'm a bad boy, mom thinks I'm a bad boy, your grandma think I'm a bad boy. My t shirt school sells called me a bad boy. My one hand at the weekend school called me bad boy, right. And every now and then when a man sees me, he called me bad boy, then I must be a bad boy. All these great people in my life cannot be alone, I must be a bad boy, I have to be a bad boy. So bad boy, bad boy.

00:40:45--> 00:40:50

That said, they will become that, or bad boys.

00:40:51--> 00:40:56

That's the person will be become whatever you conditioned them to consider themselves.

00:40:57--> 00:41:12

And they might even in the beginning challenges. I am not a bad boy, you know, you are a bad boy. And we try to sometimes convince them that they're bad boys. And we we bring the charges, all the charges. And we give them we present all the evidence, the physical and the circumstantial evidence, and we convict them.

00:41:13--> 00:41:13

So

00:41:17--> 00:41:18

we all make mistakes.

00:41:20--> 00:41:24

We all make mistakes. Imagine philosophy was to judge us in the same way that we judge our children

00:41:30--> 00:41:41

at the same time, but that doesn't mean that we should always say, Oh, you just made a bad choice. And they make like a huge mistake, you recognize wrong to be wrong to say that your judgment was wrong, what you did was was wrong.

00:41:42--> 00:41:57

And the reason is painful reason I'm disappointed is because I don't expect something like that from you, you're what you're capable of birth, your cable of things are much, much better. And I know that you can you can do, you can have a better choice in your life.

00:42:02--> 00:42:03

Okay.

00:42:05--> 00:42:14

There are many things to be to be said. But many IDs and reports from the province on while it was send them shows that the

00:42:15--> 00:42:15

the

00:42:18--> 00:42:29

pay attention to the to our children is a very important Actually, it's an art. One of those things that I suggest also we do is we read about parenting, we read about contemporary

00:42:31--> 00:42:33

challenges and issues that children go through

00:42:35--> 00:42:46

in going online every now and then and see what it is what's what's out there, you know, what kind of challenges what kind of issues and if something becomes a phenomenon,

00:42:47--> 00:42:49

right? Check,

00:42:50--> 00:43:04

Hey, how are you doing good, how are your friends? How are you guys into such and such whatever that phenomenon that trend that is or is any of your you know, have that these kind of issues, you see something and have those kind of open discussions and

00:43:07--> 00:43:27

and this this, this level of honesty and openness with your, with your, with your children, just to keep up with them and see what it is that they're they're going through, or they're faced with, and help help them whenever, especially when they come to you, or when they're trying to get your attention. And children do that. In many ways. This is not the time to talk about it. But

00:43:28--> 00:43:38

we have to remember that now one last thing I wanted to say is this has to do with being positive. If you decide to use punishment, right, then your punishment has to

00:43:39--> 00:43:43

should not violate any of these law, any of the Islamic guidelines.

00:43:44--> 00:43:58

Right? I've seen bad language is not a healthy or positive or good nor legitimate, islamically legitimate way of punishing the child using and abusing them verbally.

00:44:00--> 00:44:03

Or terrorizing them, you know mentally and emotionally

00:44:04--> 00:44:12

that is not a healthy nor an Islamic way, the process of including cursing them or or making sure it gets

00:44:13--> 00:44:21

right. Many parents do this. If the process of probate is actually removed from doing this, you have the right to do this to

00:44:22--> 00:44:27

the process of forbade us from doing this. And I know people who did this and their kids were doomed.

00:44:28--> 00:44:48

Because the prayer or the simplification of the parent for or against the child is accepted. So don't do this. I don't care how angry you are. Please don't do this. Don't use that open mind that you have this Lifeline that you have this connection. You have this drive that you have a loss of data. Don't use it for that, you know, no matter how

00:44:49--> 00:44:56

bad language is not is not a legitimate form of punishment. Physical if you try to reprimand them,

00:44:58--> 00:45:00

spank them whatever you have

00:45:00--> 00:45:05

To make sure that there are also selected units in Islam, there are restrictions, you cannot for example, strike the face.

00:45:07--> 00:45:15

By the way, a human being that gets used to being struck on the face slapped or punched in the face will have will have no self esteem.

00:45:18--> 00:45:20

In the face is off limits

00:45:21--> 00:45:42

is on the child, no child look, even animals, no one should be struck on their faces. Right. So this is this is often the punishment, the physical punishments should not leave a bruise should not cause a bruise who's not marching Of course, needless to say, it should not cause any damage that is more than the truth.

00:45:43--> 00:45:47

And most important part, it should not be a form of retaliation.

00:45:50--> 00:45:53

You have a grudge, you're frustrated, and you just want to let it out.

00:45:57--> 00:46:02

This is this is absolutely no Daddy, I remember.

00:46:05--> 00:46:06

Yeah.

00:46:08--> 00:46:10

There used to be every now and then a judgment day.

00:46:11--> 00:46:17

And my dad showed me, you know, if you decide to punish your child, you should not be you should not punish them when you're angry.

00:46:19--> 00:46:28

You should be calm, collected, calculated, see how this punishment is going to help them improve because punishment is meant to correct behavior.

00:46:29--> 00:46:39

It's meant to correct behavior, not to, to retaliate or not to even take revenge or, or or hurt the other person.

00:46:41--> 00:46:55

There's another method that may work, it may not work again, it's up to you, you can read about that more, but pretty would reward them when they do just like you punish them, they do something bad, they want them when they do something good. And if they

00:46:56--> 00:47:15

if they do, if they feel like they feel doing what they have to do, then their punishment will be not getting that reward. And that may be a little more effective. The fourth point here that I wanted to mention is let them know what why they're being punished or why they're losing their privileges.

00:47:17--> 00:47:18

It has to make sense.

00:47:20--> 00:47:25

Let them know why. What it is, if they don't know what I mean, I know. I know.

00:47:26--> 00:47:31

Yeah, you know, imagine there is nothing worse than getting punished or getting hit

00:47:32--> 00:47:34

for something that you don't know what it is. You don't know what you did.

00:47:36--> 00:47:39

And sometimes some parents might hit their children, just in case.

00:47:41--> 00:47:44

Did you do something about today? No, I did it. Okay, here just in case.

00:47:48--> 00:48:16

The fifth point here, when it comes to punishment, the person the severity of the punishment should not exceed the offense. I think there's something insignificant the little and you make a big deal out of it. Right, nor should we treat all mistakes and all offenses equally the same level. And that's why the class was never recommended to a parent to basically reprimand physically, their children, right? When it came to what

00:48:19--> 00:48:28

I will never hit you for anything. But somehow Yes, of course, after we, after you have after you traded from seven to 10 new trailer, right after 10 they should know better.

00:48:30--> 00:48:32

So they know that so what's a lot, there's no jumping.

00:48:33--> 00:48:46

Never need a head on you. Until you were seven. And after you were seven until you were 10 I gave you all kinds of reasons to to print now that you're 10 if you do not pray for us,

00:48:48--> 00:48:50

I'm going to really really be upset.

00:48:53--> 00:48:57

So imagine someone you know that they would know that if the only thing that they

00:49:00--> 00:49:01

can mess with

00:49:02--> 00:49:07

but if they get punished with the same punishment for everything, they get insulted for every little thing that they do.

00:49:09--> 00:49:19

Then small offensive big offense means means nothing. Right? Serious citizens and little sense. Right? And speaking of that, by the way,

00:49:20--> 00:49:24

and I will conclude this please let's not abuse the word how long

00:49:26--> 00:49:35

how everything's before you say something is are you better have evidence that shouldn't you and remember also not to put all our things at the same level?

00:49:36--> 00:49:40

Right? If everything is how little things are held.

00:49:41--> 00:49:49

Major things are how this is how I'm in this house. That means they're older and there are certain little houses that we may not be able to avoid. So

00:49:50--> 00:49:54

the message is we cannot avoid hassles. Okay.

00:49:55--> 00:49:55

Right.

00:49:57--> 00:50:00

You know what I mean? If everything is

00:50:00--> 00:50:04

How many little things are calm, you know, they, of course, have different levels,

00:50:06--> 00:50:38

their major, and minor. So if we put it all at the same level, then we've worked it. And we know that we can not avoid everything, we, ourselves cannot avoid everything. Right, then the message is how long could not be avoided, and so is all the same. So these are just a few things that I wanted to start with the shower. next session, we'll talk about the specific other themselves, and how we'll try to have a discussion on how we can teach them those things. And in the most effective manner, long title,

00:50:39--> 00:50:46

Any question? No, you I mean, it depends on how close you are. And

00:50:47--> 00:50:51

whether they are whether they are relating, or a circle of

00:50:52--> 00:51:03

authority or not, whether within that. So, of course, obviously, I'm a little more responsible or more obligated toward my nephew than I am to,

00:51:06--> 00:51:12

to elicit some sort of stranger, right. So it sort of depends on how close you are. But

00:51:13--> 00:51:16

it is a pen that has the authority to reprimand

00:51:17--> 00:51:21

or punish or correct the child's behavior, we have the obligation to give

00:51:22--> 00:51:28

maybe to the parents, so it depends. Now if the child is under age, then the responsible to the parent and not take them out.

00:51:29--> 00:51:55

So So again, it depends, it depends on what it is. And if I see someone doing something very destructive, I say, Okay, I'm just gonna report them to the next week. And it's something dangerous something is it's serious, serious issue. So it depends, again, there are certain situations that call for what immediate intervention, of course, in a wise and proper manner. And there are some that

00:51:56--> 00:52:13

are locked up. Yeah, the older his response was, but especially in the absence of the parents that were older would be in charge or responsible for that. And then there was the, the, the, the elders in the family to get respect, and obedience.

00:52:14--> 00:52:18

So of course they are, they're independent, and they're on their own.

00:52:19--> 00:52:31

But, you know, the prophet said, He's not one of us being does not show compassion to the young ones to the underworld, and shows respect to the elephants, we have to show respect

00:52:32--> 00:52:33

to their elders.

00:52:35--> 00:52:47

And this is one of those ads that we're going to be talking about, you have to teach them this. And one of the best ways by the way to teach them this is demonstrating it yourself. And one of the most effective Actually, yeah, I am the youngest of nine.

00:52:49--> 00:52:52

So I have six sisters older than me. And then we have two brothers older.

00:52:54--> 00:53:05

And they did it always make good especially maybe my sisters were all good. They always make good judgments, right? But never did my father allow me to disrespect them on the show.

00:53:06--> 00:53:11

No matter what it is. And if there is a conflict anytime, it's always me.

00:53:12--> 00:53:16

Right. But one of those things that made me made me

00:53:18--> 00:53:26

basically commit to this was seeing my father and how he treated or how he dealt with his older sister.

00:53:28--> 00:53:34

him demonstrating this with my my uncle was older than have with his my and with

00:53:37--> 00:53:56

this so this is a practical lesson that I got from it. So when I see that I saw how he treated my uncle, or how he treated his older his sisters who were older than him. That immediately made me realize how badly children whether you realize it or not mimic their parents, and they copy their parents.

00:53:57--> 00:53:59

Children mimic and copy their parents.

00:54:01--> 00:54:04

They even they didn't even start sounding like them at one point.

00:54:06--> 00:54:07

Yeah.

00:54:08--> 00:54:11

Which is kind of scary. Isn't that when your daughter starts sounding like your wife?

00:54:16--> 00:54:18

Yes, we have

00:54:20--> 00:54:25

one of those things we need to do we might want to do some research about slumber parties. What happened?

00:54:27--> 00:54:30

Since when did the slumber parties become the standard?

00:54:32--> 00:54:44

rights of a child? I know many parent may there are many families, many non Muslim families for example that don't allow us. So it depends again on the family vows. For example, one of those things in my family,

00:54:46--> 00:54:47

my father,

00:54:49--> 00:54:59

sleeping, are spending the night outside your home, away from the supervision of your pet was was a total norm that was agreed upon for boys or girls.

00:55:01--> 00:55:25

You know, the reason you have a house you have a home and you're providing them with that is for them to spend the night thing. If you're out of town, then you go to hotel. But you don't go to someone else's house not homeless, you have a home for that reason, you go and spend the night there, you can go with them. If it's a party, whatever it is spend that spend, whatever time they need with them, and then to go to sleep, they need to come home to sleep.

00:55:26--> 00:55:46

You know, because we have a certain a certain pattern. So if you make that point, now there are two therefore, and this is this is the the the rule in your house. Then, in the future, you won't have to deal with this. But one thing about By the way, grandparents and adjusting to the grandparents. Again, I think that one of the best things in a show like this this issue.

00:55:47--> 00:55:54

We have a talk show the show on the 14th of March, we have a shift machine. So variability is so great.

00:55:55--> 00:56:00

Today's announcement was made an excellent speaker, this is his specialty.

00:56:01--> 00:56:05

He's actually coming here from Atlanta. He's flying in with his son

00:56:07--> 00:56:10

rewarding his son because his son finished demagnetization.

00:56:14--> 00:56:27

And we're going to have auto ship Yasser faza was a background in family therapy as well. And we'll have the talk show style. So we're going to have stage here, they're going to be sitting here, you know, and then your hosts will be open.

00:56:29--> 00:56:31

Your votes will be added when

00:56:33--> 00:56:38

we get we're almost done. So one thing I say is communication is one of the best tools.

00:56:41--> 00:56:42

Of course.

00:56:52--> 00:57:01

Yeah, definitely there there is nothing more dangerous than sending sending mixed messages or conflicting.

00:57:03--> 00:57:06

And I tell you, someone said this, but I'm gonna shut this again.

00:57:07--> 00:57:09

So having a lot of configuration on a

00:57:10--> 00:57:11

monitor