Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #10

Let them a little humor hamdulillah below the mean wa Salatu was Salam ala Shia Colombia when mousseline Muhammad Rasul Allah is Allah Allah highly valued,

does leave on Garfield and cathedra from Nevada, my brothers and sisters, now we are on the questions of how to keep a marriage alive and healthy.

And so I'm on question number five, which is is the idea of a soul mate, just a myth? Or is it simple communication between people?

I want to say to that,

separate these romantic notions from actual reality.

Soulmate Marriages are made in heaven and so on so forth, is

romance, right. It's good for people to write poetry about. Marriages are not made in heaven marriages, marriages are made and unmade on this earth.

There is no such thing as a soul mate, you have a partner with whom you are living in matrimony, as people who are married to each other, this is the reality. In actual fact, your soul is different, and his or her soul is different.

So I can say that if you want use the term soulmate, then think about distances of soulmates are made not born.

And they are made over time. It takes time, sometimes a very long time. Then you see them sitting together and smiling at things that only they understand, or looks that have meaning only for each other,

or speaking in a language that only the other one understands phrases that he that they use, only for each other, and which may even be gibberish to others, but which touched their hearts. This is the stage when every time you look at her, and she looks at you, you fall in love all over again.

30 years into your marriage 40 years into marriage, and laughing, laughing is very important. laughing together at the same things, showing each other things so as to add to the joy of sharing.

One thing which completely destroys this, which is the total opposite of this is the desire

to

change the other person. I've said this before, and I'm going to say it a million times. Because this is the single most efficient destroyer of a marriage, the desire to change somebody

to fit this mental model that you have created for yourself.

Remember,

there is no such thing as the perfect spouse.

Nobody, including a civilized wrestler, because we know and there is Quran on this. We know that

Rasulillah Salam, Salam spouses, his wives, had issues with him,

which resulted in him

he got so serious that he actually separated himself from them.

Now one of them was the was, say the half set or the Elana, the daughter of Mr. Nakamura. So when he got news of this, that Surah Salah Salem has separated himself from his wives and

confined himself to a

sort of patio kind of, you know, room in his house.

And so they're a beloved Nevada girl and who was their guard at the door.

So when Mr. Malhotra Delano got this news, he came running

and he wanted to see Personalizer Salah said in a Bilal stopped him he said no he's not seeing anybody

say that our Allahu pleaded his case. And he said please go and recommend me and so on and I really want to see then as soon as SLM permitted and overdone. Katara Delano came in.

And the first thing he asked him was Yasser allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, Me My mother and father be sacrificed on you. Have you divorced your wives?

He was we wanted to know what what's the status or status of my daughter? Is she still married to him or not? Has he given them the lava? What is it?

As well as Allison said, No, I'm not divorced. So then our Delano barista, sign of relief, a sigh of relief, then hamdulillah at least the marriage is safe.

And that is why that is when Allah subhanaw taala revealed the ayat of surah where I was monitored and said very clearly. And he said yeah, and he said NaVi

The Women of the Navy and this all there is a whole series of Earth which have come

all of which are addressed to the wives of a source of Salem, our mothers there as well to the Herat, Mahato Momineen and

where Allah subhanaw taala

said to them, he said to the wives of Rosa salah, that if you do not want to be married to my enemy, if you don't like him as your husband, then I will tell him, I will order him to let you go in a beautiful way Hajra Jamila

and that is when the wives

including for example, say the ICJ or avellana

Kasasa Mazel Tov very clearly, he said, Go to

ask them. And if you want me to divorce, you have a divorce. If you don't want to be married to me, I will not force you to remain married.

And you can go and check and ask the advice of your parents. And that is when all the wives are was a solemn they said to him, Yasser Allah, we do not want to be divorced. We want to we want to be your wives.

And we want to be to be to be in this marriage with you. Now, the reason why I mentioned all of this to you is that here we have a case where

it is our belief and this is the truth, that there is no one better than Rasul Allah is Allah isn't neither as a human being, not as a husband, not as a father, and what are the you know, in any of the relationships, we have the Hadith one was a Salam where he commanded the Sahaba, I said, Be good to your wives, I am the best to my wife's. Like he thought he mostly is not simply making some clip. This was actually the fact the reason I told you all this story is because no matter how good you think you are,

and I'm giving you one example, which is the example of the husband with respect to the wife, but the same thing applies both ways. No matter how good you think you are,

believe me, you're not perfect. Allah did not create the perfect spouse in this world.

Your perfect spouse is waiting for you in general inshallah. So focus on getting there.

If you get Janna then inshallah Allah is one that I will give us, the perfect spouse. And in case you are wondering about the rules and so on, I'm talking about your own spouse in Jana will be still your spouse, because you are married to her and she is a is a believing woman, you are married to him, he is a believing mare. Allah will keep them together, and Allah will remove all the negativity from them. So they will be the same person, but they will be somebody who is very beautiful in every single way.

So don't listen to this and say, well, what's the point of dying, I'm still going to get the same way for those who must say my husband, you will get the same, but they will not be the same in the same way.

But that is they're here.

That's a package deal. You got a package deal, you got something which has some positivity in it, and some positives in it. And it also has some negatives.

Remember, ask yourself and remind yourself that you married that person, because you were focused on the positives. Those positives are still there, they haven't gone anywhere.

Except that this is the

tragedy of human relations. That over time, we tend to focus more on the negative things than other positive things.

It's like having a little particle in your eye.

Your entire attention is on the particle, you don't see the beautiful scenery, you don't see the verbal phases, you don't see whatever is coming in front of your eyes, because you are focused on this particle. But if you really go if you really think about that, this is just one little

speck of dust.

But that's what happens. So in a marriage,

when two people are living together, day in day out in the same house, the sharing space, the setting for the sharing, you know everything.

There will be resentment, there will be irritation.

There will be things you don't like.

The big great secret, don't tell anybody is to forgive.

Constantly, continuously keep forgiving.

You forgive her, she forgives you, and you have a beautiful marriage. Remember, no matter no matter who you look at, no matter who you look at and say oh, you know what's also got such a beautiful mal hamdulillah Allah gave me many people in my lives who when I think about them, I can see what beautiful marriages they have. But let's not fool ourselves.

doesn't mean that those two absolutely perfect than never did anything wrong. No, never irritated each other. No, it's just that they decided to still be good to each other despite the irritation

despite the tradition, so, never try to change your spouse and never hunt for perfection because it does not exist.

Changing the big problem with changing now you might say, well, you know what, this is a thing, tenancy in him that he should change. You know, people don't resist change, they resist being changed by you.

People don't resist change, whether it's in organizations, whether it's in marriages, I mean, I, I run change management workshops.

I teach accelerated change how to bring about change quickly. And I can tell you, it is eminently doable.

But you have to understand this fact, people don't resist change, they resist being changed by you.

If you want somebody to change, show them what's in it for them. Wi FM,

what is in it for me? When I say change,

when a person sees that, when they've see what is in it for them,

then they will change on their own, they don't need you.

So stop trying to change people learn to accept and to accept, look at the goodness in them, which is why you might need them in the first place.

And anything which is bad in them or you think it is bad.

forgive it.

And stop hunting for perfection does not exist. Simply not there.

Right. Question number six, what kind of initiatives and actions dictate a happy marriage. So back to basics, truth.

There is no happy marriage with lights. Caring. There is no happy marriage with lack of caring, mutual respect. There is no happy marriage unless you respect each other.

These three things truth, mutual caring, and mutual respect. Every action or initiative must pass this test test. Are you being truthful?

Are you being truthful? Is her need coming before your own? His his need coming before your own. And I was showing the respect that you feel now with respect is the thing that you may feel respect. But the other person doesn't see that. The same thing with thankfulness. Right? You may be thankful. But you never express it. You never you never say no, You never, you know, allow the other person to see it.

And you expect them to know, as I've said many times before,

doesn't allow no.

Why does Allah say lion shackle to Louisiana?

Because being thankful is about you. It's not about them?

It's not whether the other person knows or doesn't know, it's a question of do you say do take the trouble to speak what is in your heart? And that is very, very important. Are you showing the respect you feel? I remember very, very clearly my grandmother

used to serve my grandfather, his meals.

Every me he would put on his plate, she would refill it. She would offer him the choices, pieces of meat, she would watch to see what he needed and give it to him before he asked for it.

She would eat every meal with him, without exception in a house that was a mansion with many servants.

Is not because they didn't have some words and not because No, no servant was ever allowed to give my grandfather anything directly.

They got the trade my grandmother, and she served.

And all this she did with such a look of love and devotion on her face that I can see this clearly in my mind. Even today.

50 years later.

And more than 30 years since both of them died.

She died first.

And he did within six months. Which is right.

That is how much they loved each other.

Why did she do it?

Because she liked to do it. It is that simple. Don't fool yourself. Don't think that she was doing it because he was being forced and so on and so well No, she's not because

she did it because she loved it. She did it because this was a way of showing her love for him.

And he, he reciprocated that to the fullest extent. He never had anything without asking for advice.

He never went anywhere without her.

He wore what she gave, she had can plead control of his money.

He never tested. He never asked her for any account

with a level of trust, which is seldom seen today,

even though it was his money, so to speak, he was earning she was not earning anything.

He never looked at her. Except with love. He never raised his voice to her.

She was his whole life in every sense of the word.

In Tamil,

the word for wife

is samsara

means work.

So in WCM, samsara breed, how is your work?

And by that is meant, How's your wife?

Interestingly, for the man, that's not the word for the man of the word is Porsche, which means man.

Go Porsche Ebrill. How is your man?

But for the man? Who samsara Mabrey, how was your word

I told me, my grandmother died first

did my nana nana, my grandmother died first.

And he died three months later for broken heart.

But they left memories for their children and grandchildren,

about how we married and how to treat your spouse.

I don't claim to be

doing everything which I saw them doing. And that is my

weakness and my mistake.

But at least I have a model that I can compare with.

Many of the things that I learned from my grandparents and remember, all of this stuff was taught without one word being spoken.

I was 10 years old or younger, when we used to live with them.

Today, I'm 66.

This is 55 years ago.

Yet

this is a mark not on my memory, but of the impact

of seeing this relationship in action.

Now,

next question was how much involvement should parents and in laws have in a marriage?

My answer is none whatsoever. Zero.

Parents should be involved in their own marriage, not in your children, marriages. Once you're married, they're not children anymore.

If they are children, they are not free to be married. There's no child marriage in Islam.

The marriage between two adults.

So if they are adults, decide when you are getting married, or the adults are not. If they're not adults, if they're little, little children, keep them by your side.

But if you think they are adults, and you get them married, then leave them alone.

Let them work out their problems and tell them very openly and clearly both both parents don't come to us with your problems. If you have problems, work them out, because you adults.

That's why you got married the problem with many parents, and in this case, mothers especially in our society,

in Indian society, I mean, South Asian society, fathers are also

fathers who get involved but in my experience, it is a mothers who get involved much faster and much more frequently.

The interesting thing is that

they are very anxious for the parent for the children to get married. Right. So there's been a lot of time right hunting or Guru hunting. And then as soon as the the as the children are married, the parents start feeling insignificant and become competitors with their own

daughters in law. And I said this is Mother's because South Asian culture, the son in law never has a problem. It's only the daughters in law.

So now you as a woman, you you went and you selected and you found this girl who you liked and so on and so forth and you got your son to marry this girl. And as soon as you married now she's your competitor and you start you start, you know abusing her and you start

I'm

trying to sabotage her relationship with her with her son and you start start, you start victimizing her, and so on and so forth. What sense does it make?

Just remember that if you become your daughter in law's competitor, you lose if you lose, and you lose if you win.

Both ways you lose. So get out of the way.

Leave them alone.

Right?

If you are a competitor, you you lose, you lose. But if you win, what happens? You've destroyed their marriage. Is that is that a win?

Please stay out of it. Maintain your dignity, you are the mother, you are a mother in law, you are the mother, maintain your dignity, you're not in competition with your daughter.

Leave them alone.

Visit them for two days, every six months,

every year is even better. Right? Don't talk for more than five minutes on the phone.

Don't chat on Skype or Yahoo or whatever else.

Don't ask personal questions. And above all, never ask, are you happy.

I have never seen a marriage survive the attention of the parents and parents.

Never.

It's a death sentence. When parents and parents in law get involved in the marriage of their children. That is a death sentence for the marriage. No marriage can survive that.

At the same time, I would advise young couples also to take steps to kindly discourage this involvement if you see it.

If you are old enough to get married, you're old enough to solve your own problems. If you're running to your parents with your problems,

then put on your diapers.

You're not ready for marriage.

So if your mom called and asked you, so what did he say when you told him such and such, tell your mom Mom, sorry, I won't tell you what he told me smile and say, but save clearly. Spend time with your spouse. I'm not asking you to neglect your mother or father. But remember that your spouse has first call, once you get married.

The key is to realize that these are independent relationships. And they need to manage the relationship with your parents, and the relationship with your spouse. The same is true of children when they come along. I've seen spouses becoming strangers to each other. Because the children take up the time and energy of both to certain extent.

Maturity is to be able to manage these multiple relationships in the marriage.

Right?

Be very, very clear in your mind.

Do not run to your parents for advice. Don't tell them all the intimate details of what is happening in your marriage. My husband said this, my wife said this. And desire replied and so on and so on. No.

As I told you make up your mind. If you are not old enough to get married, don't get married.

I remember very distinctly a very, very interesting thing that happened.

We were having lunch with a friend of mine whose daughter had recently got married. Just so happened we just mean a couple of weeks before that.

And the men and the women are sitting on two separate tables.

Because a number of us have the women also sat on one table. And the men sat on the table. This girl who got married recently had was visiting her parents at the time.

And my wife overheard this conversation and she later on told me

she said that this girl started to tell her mother

about her husband and his family. She just started.

The mother said to her stop.

I'm not interested. Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

They are now your family. Their honor, is your honor. Respected. behave with integrity. If you have any issues, sit with them and resolve them.

You're most welcome. This is your house. This is your parents house. The most welcome please come here. Enjoy yourself relax. But we do not want to hear about your marriage and what is happening in your marriage married house.

Now the mother was very, very clear she ate now this. This may sound brutal, but she was absolutely clear.

So I said that it looked like maybe this girl was having some issues, some problems with her husband.

But the mother put such a stop to that the obviously the girls didn't say anything after that.

Today, it's more than 10 years

since that incident

And that couple remain very happily married. And they have three children

all because that mother in law, that lady took the right decision. She said, I'm not interfering in this marriage, you got married Hamdulillah.

Now you're on your own.

So, please, I have seen marriages destroyed because of this

every day, the daughter, the wife has a long conversation blow by blow account with her mother. And the mother is giving her this advice do this do that say they say that.

And then the whole thing is, oh, his mother is coming to stay with us to this mother in law is now treated as a as a complete, not just as a stranger but as a illegal immigrant or something.

Please understand this, this is this is not how marriages

grow and become beautiful.

If you got married your mother in law and father law, are your parents in Islam, they are Muslim Do

you are not

supposed to even do a job before your father in law.

And the mother in law is not supposed to do his job before her son in law because they are your parents,

their marriage? Do you

treat them like that?

Treat them like your parents.

I'm going to talk to you about joint families and married being married me being married and living in joint families. Inshallah, I want to talk to you in detail with that about that. And I want to do that in the next topic in the next session, because that will take

more time than we have now. But

just keep this in mind that no matter who arranges the marriage,

whether their marriage

remains good or not, doesn't depend on the person who arranged the marriage. It depends on you. A marriage is only as good as you want it to be.

It's completely and totally in your hands.

So please, keep that in mind. And do not allow your marriage to

to be destroyed. Because you

because because you don't you don't follow these rules.

Focus on the

you know, focus on

the goodness

forget, forgive any,

any any shortcomings and

behave responsibly.

With responsibility, meaning take ownership for what you say and do.

We ask Allah subhana data, to be

pleased with you and to make your marriages full of Chiron Baraka, and we ask Allah subhanaw taala never to be displeased with you. We ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless you with beautiful children that you can be proud of and who will be a means of Salako Salah Patanjali jariya for you who will be a worthy legacy of you inshallah. Well son Allah, Allah will carry while Ali he was a member to God.

Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.