The Evolution of Marriage

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Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

Episode Notes

A MICA Lecture

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Just like hello. Hi, Ron, thank you so much for having me. I truly appreciate the initiative that mica has taken to organize an event like this because it is so needed. My husband and I have not been as busy as we have been since this lockdown began counseling couples, new couples, people who've been married for decades, and it's just so shocking and appalling to see the state of marriages today. So May Allah bless you for putting this event together. And all those who participate benefit from the knowledge and wisdom that the speakers are sharing insha Allah made serve as a witness for all of you. Now, just yesterday, or two days ago, one of the organizers

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called me and said, I should try and make sure that while I speak, I carry everybody along because in the house, there's going to be people who are yet to be married and of course seasoned couples who have been married for decades. So he used the word which I loved, and I rephrased my whole presentation to go according to that he said, it should be the evolution of marriage, you know, from the ground up so that hopefully people can get it right. I think that is just a perfect statement.

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Let me start also below him in the shutdown regime Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

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Now the few selections in human life can be as sensitive, and as important and essential as selecting a life partner. This selection, finding somebody to spend the rest of your life with has the fundamental potential to determine your success and prosperity, or your misery and misfortune. And that means yes, your marriage can either make you or break you. Now, for me, I describe marriage as two unique individuals who come together to compliment one another, not to complete one another, who guide and encourage each other to get closer to their maker who grow together in God consciousness, and who try to encourage each other to be careful and wary of offending Allah to

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unique individuals whose help and support each other's development emotionally, intellectually, socially, and in service to humanity, to individuals who come together to fulfill each other's needs, wants and fantasies, who are governments for one another, who protect each other's dignity, who look out for each other's best interests, whom they feel emotionally, and physically safe with. Together, they get to build a nurture a loving safe home and a climate and a culture where each one gets to thrive and achieve their highest calling, who they keep no secrets from, in other words, their confidence, who get to know each other better than anyone else in the world, where they are

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able to be their true selves around. Marriage is about given tick of mutual fulfillment and mutual satisfaction. It's about living, with your companion with your buddy, your mate, your best friend and your lover, the one whom you get to grow old with who you go on a lifelong adventure of self discovery and personal evolution, whose soul you get to fall in love with, with whom the steady burning embers of true love remains constant, even after the fire of passion has died down. Whenever you look at each other. You feel contentment in your hearts. Why? Because you're with the person that Allah has created just for you.

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That sounds so beautiful, doesn't it?

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However, how many don't know what I'm describing? How many here would say I don't know what you're talking about? How many have never witnessed such a beautiful relationship? Alhamdulillah for me, I was so privileged to see what I just described to you, personified by my parents, in their 50 years of marriage. And Alhamdulillah what my husband said and I have been able to create inshallah, by September, we would have been married 29 years, is turning out to be just as beautiful. Now, I'm sure when I was describing marriage to you, some people were thinking and not in my house. We don't know what that looks like, in my house, we fight. In my house, I see disrespect, I see shouting. I

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see one spouse putting the other down. I feel trapped. I feel broken. I am abused, either emotionally, physically, psychologically, economically, or even sexually abused. And yes, there's sexual abuse in a home where one spouse either deprives the other or one spouse rapes the other. I grew up

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obscene or I'm in a relationship where there's contempt, I'm disgusted with my spouse, I feel betrayed by my spouse, I am disappointed. I'd become a manager in my home, I manage. I've become like a roommate with my spouse because everybody's just doing their own thing. There's nothing in this relationship. I'm in a relationship where there's manipulation, there's games playing, there's politics at play, where you get one family member or children to take sides with one where there's a struggle for power where you want to flex muscles, or show off, maybe you want to show off economic superiority I come from this affluent home, or spiritual superiority or intellectual superiority. I

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know more than you, the list can go on and on and on. But to me, the big question is why? If Allah has described marriage with words like love, and mercy, and we're meant to dwell in tranquility, I mean, dwell in tranquility is like to lounge in peace, in contentment in happiness. And know where did Allah described in the Quran, marriage to be one of managing one another of disrespect of self self sacrifice? Nowhere did he see we are supposed to be oppressed in marriage. In fact, in Islam, oppression is worse than slaughter. So why is it so hard to get marriages to work today? Why are so many, many marriages not working compared to those that are? Why are some couples ready to put in

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110%? why most are not? Why does love and mercy not exist? In certain homes while it does in a few?

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And how do things deteriorate to this state? What I find interesting, and I know people will think this is a bit controversial.

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But what I find interesting is how many take their religious rituals more seriously than their marriage. Yes, they take their prayers more seriously than their marriage, they keep fasting more seriously than marriage, the sadaqa the non obligatory apps, all the obligatory and non obligatory acts, they take those things more seriously, the marriage visiting the sick, the sooner no can the hijabi Look, the memorization of the Quran, the noir feels the extra zeker. In other words, all the extra extra when fulfilling our obligations to our spouse constitutes half of our faith. That is what I find so amazing that we take all those individual individual acts of ibadah more seriously,

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then this one single one stop shop where it constitutes half of our faith. So if you put all the others together, that is half the non obligatory and the obligatory. However, fulfilling your obligations to your spouse in marriage takes care of the other half. So it's not about and I know a lot of scholars are talking and emphasizing this because many people when I talk to them, I was like, why do you want to get married? They say, oh, because it fulfills half half of my faith. I was like, well, it's not that it's fulfilling your obligations. That completes half of your faith, not just because oh, I'm married. Now. I can go and face the other. No, no, no, no, no. Isn't that what

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everyone should be fighting for? Because right there, you've taken care of half. Then face the memorization face the making sure you pray and you pray on time and the first thing and the Omron heart and all that. Why aren't we fighting for something that takes care of half of our faith that is fulfilling our obligation. And there's an added bonus to that. It brings true happiness and peace of mind when you fulfill your obligations to one another in marriage. No money in the world you will ever accumulate will give you the kind of peace of mind that comes from having a happy peaceful home. There is nothing nothing like having peace of mind.

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You can be stinking rich. But if you're not at peace with your family with your spouse, there is no enjoyment, no peace of mind.

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And a good marriage can give you that an even more. That is wealth to me. Because fulfilling your obligations is the foundation of having a peaceful home and the happy spouse because if each and every one of you are playing their part, everyone is doing their role. Most likely you will both be so happy because everybody's doing their own, that each one is going to be more eager to satisfy all your needs all your wants all your fantasies, if part of our obligations to one another in marriage as Muslims is a halau relationship. Yes, this is one of the compulsory requirements by Allah, that we have a halau relationship, then by fulfilling that fulfilling one's intimacy needs

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To me, this will bring down the rate of infidelity, which is at an all time high committed by both spouses, my husband and I counsel a lot. And we are finding more women are involved in these kinds of relationships compared to the past, which will also bring down the rate of sexual frustration. by both you hear the men complain that the spouse is depriving him or not ready to do the bedroom acrobatics. And so then you hear the wife complaining that her husband doesn't care about 10 minutes, he's just interested in his own. Once he climaxes, he's gone. So if we focus on just that alone, fulfilling our obligations, and one of which, like I said, is the halau relationship. This

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will also reduce the rate at which people are turning to pornography and masturbation, which again is on the rise, and again, amongst women, that for me, it's so alarming. And again, you ask why they say it's sexual frustration. My husband doesn't care about my needs. Another obligation of ours as Muslims in marriage is to show love to show respect and kindness. This is compulsory, once you choose to get married. These are the things Allah is going to question you about. Any normal human being who receives love, respect and kindness will respond in kind, any normal human being. And there are some who are not normal out there. But I love that the Prophet sallallahu wasallam said

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that the heart has been created in a way that it loves those who show kindness towards it, and dislike those who cause it pain, the heart, our hearts have been created by Allah in a way that we respond to kindness, and we dislike those who cause us pain.

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And if you show respect, you show kindness you show love, you will get it Your heart will melt. And the Prophet sallallahu Sallam also said indeed, amongst the believers with the most complete faith, with the most complete faith is the one who is best in conduct and most kind to his family. So instead of us giving these quotes on the tip of our tongues, we should translate the narrations into actions, what we what has been prescribed to us by Allah, and in the examples of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, I think that's what they had did this for, instead of just being able to quote it in Arabic and every other language and show we know, we know, we know all these quotes. We are

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missing out we're focusing on the Sunnah look more than the Sunnah way. If we simply go by Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam example of how he related with his family, how he related with his spouses, yes, and I said spouses, even when he became a polygamous man after Fallujah do now and had died, he was fair, he was just he was equitable with his wives, which is amongst the obligations that a spouse has to their spouse, this is another one we're going to be questioned on. Are you fair, just an equitable to your wife or wives. Anyone who goes into polygamy, without equity, without fairness, without justice is sitting on a business.

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You cannot live your life doing as you please, without fulfilling these obligations. Once you choose to invite Allah to witness your union, you're going to have to answer to him. And one of the prerequisites of that union is that you fill fulfill your basic obligations. When I think about how many people are behaving so badly in their marriages today, I worry about what they are going to go and say to their maker, what happened to the love and mercy that he said he has placed in our hearts. He didn't say, after you get married, after you do this, you do that I'm going to place love and mercy. He said, we have placed like a mercy in your heart. So it's already defaulted. Its

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factory setting. We have it in there. So where did it go?

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I often see there is no miracle lecture that will fix your marriage. There is no do no fast no prayer. No Baba, Allah will that will fix your marriage. You have to tie your camel, you have to make your marriage work. If you're not happy with the state of your marriage today, look what lies within you look in the mirror and ask what am I doing wrong? What am I not doing? And what should I do differently? Like I said,

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if we could only focus on fulfilling our obligations, when like if you asked me that is the foundation of a true relationship and peaceful form. I was asked to talk about the evolution in marriage. And what I have done just now is fast forwarded to the state of marriages today, and it doesn't look pleasant. Some don't even relate to what I just described as to what a real relationship is.

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is meant to look like, and the root cause of why most marriages aren't on the rocks today?

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No, let me rewind, let me start from the very beginning, let me share with you what I believe will prevent problems, instead of you trying to cure them, especially for those who are yet to get married. But a big thing I have to say also applies to those who are already married. Because if you want to fix your marriage, inshallah, this advice will help you get it right. And for those who truly, truly want to see changes, and are ready to sit with their spouse, and both commit, while laggy, I can promise you in sha Allah, that you will see instant changes, starting with just fulfill your basic needs, but you have to be ready to make some sacrifices, you have to be ready to make

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some changes, and commit to it inshallah. So regardless of whether you're yet to be married, whether you've just been married, or whether you've been married for 15 years, or more, the first tip I'm going to share with you is Know Your Rights, and know your obligations and make sure you fulfill them. Let that be the basic if you're courting, talk about it. Because ignorance is not an excuse. It doesn't matter how many years you've been married. If you don't know your rights and obligations to your spouse, you are going to have to answer to Allah for why you didn't fulfill them.

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And if you're yet to be married, my advice for you is don't waste time on any bling bling wedding. Trust me, don't go for the superficial over the substance. Later on, you're going to be looking at your wedding pictures or what you posted on Instagram and social media. And you're going to be wondering, why did I do that because that's not where it's all about. That's not what it's all about. And don't go into traditional and cultural norms that will make marriage difficult for your spouse. It goes against what Allah wants us to do when we get ready for marriage. Don't make life difficult. Some people make grooms to be your brides to be go through hell.

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Allah doesn't want that for us. But what he wants is when it comes to selecting a spouse, be very cautious. Be very careful. Do your homework, investigate the person you want to get married to thoroughly and talk over talk, you can talk enough. And don't ever ignore warning signs. If there is anything you're not comfortable with. Trust me, it's Allah wanting you to be careful and press your brakes. And no matter what happens, don't ever get into pressure. Don't pressurize yourself to get married, get married for the right reasons. And don't let people pressurize you and tell you you're getting older all your siblings have been married, let that never be what features because you're

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gonna regret it.

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And then caught the halon way. Brother shamsudeen talked about that last week, COPPA, Holloway, I quoted the very very old fashioned way. And my way was when I was getting married, my wife and I met wanted to introduce my husband to be to my family. I remember my father warning me he said Marian don't allow she tend to be the third in the room. Don't ever allow she tend to be the third in the room. So when he came to meet my family, they made it clear that if we want to be together, we must sit in the living room. And that's how we would say it and be talking. He was on one side I was in the opposite side, people would come and walk through us. And then when I would go to your sister's

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house, my mother would drop me off. We sat in the living room, and we caught it for Halloween. Why? Because we didn't want to be the third in the room. And we wanted under to put his seal of approval to bless our union.

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People talk about dating today and they have imported this Western lingo into something that is not part of Islam. Dating is like one nightstand dating is testing, tasting, touching to know how it feels pleased to God let Allah escort you on this journey.

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And then if you're yet to be married, it is never too late to quit until that day of the nikka. It is never too late. Don't ever let anyone pressurize you or you're going to cause shame and disgrace to the family. It's the rest of your life. It's your happiness, you're going to be miserable. And then extremely important. Always start with istikhara istikhara it from the very beginning.

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Now, since brother shamsudeen talked about the premarital I'm going to stop on premarital there and continue. Do not let anyone tell you that fairy tales and love stories about marriages and they live happily ever after. In the movies and in the books.

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It's just that you have to create your own story. You have to both fill in the pages of the beautiful story you want to create together. You have to do it consciously. You have to do it deliberately and more

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Most importantly, you have to do it together, let me share with you what I believe is the formula for a happy home. Before I do so, Micah want to share an extremely important message with you. So I'll take a pause for a second. And then I will share with you what I truly believe is the formula and what has worked for my husband and I for the past 29 years insha Allah by September 27. So Michael, please share your message with the audience.

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That's where I'm at today, we're back.

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Thank you very much how the speaker system Marian. We're very happy to have everybody on board. So welcome, everyone. Again, this is Michael Nigeria movement for SME culture and awareness. This is a Tod program we're having in our relationship month. And the program, which we set aside would end next week. We have a singles meetup program next week Sunday, inshallah, there's a registration forum for that. And the link to the registration form will be sent in the chat box. So look out for that. Then also, we encourage people to come and join mica. And we encourage you to join us and also support us with your expertise and also with your money. So if you would like to support us at mica

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would send there's a link you can send an email to us. If you want to support us with your expertise, maybe you have a particular skill you can actually use because we're all striving because of Allah. Or if you want to support us financially so that we can bring more programs like this to the Muslim audience, then the account number will also be placed in the chat box. And if you have any questions for us, please reach out in the chat box as a parameter, or cancel.

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Welcome Salaam rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Thank you for that message. All right now like I promised with you, I will be sharing with you what I believe to be a great formula for a happy home. You will most likely once you get married go through what is called marriage shock. That euphoric state that you have before you get married, trust me, it's not going to last forever. For me, it didn't even last two weeks, I hadn't even asked for a divorce. Someone heard my story. The masks come off. After you get married all that sweet, nothing you hear all the best behavior, we always put our best foot forward during courtship. All that changes, and you get to know your spouse's true colors. Now,

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hopefully, if you were very observant during the courtship if you ask the right questions, then inshallah if the person you got married to is sincere, then you won't be in for any big Shockers or surprises.

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That it's so important to emphasize that you are two totally different beings. And it'll take some time for you both to adjust and synergize. For my husband and I we fought bad fights and took so long to adjust. It took us about five to six years. And studies show that it takes about five years before you finally find your groove and start to settle down into a routine where you've understood each other better, you know how to fight better and so on. But for some it could take longer for some it just never happens. This is where you're going to need a ton of patience, patience to see the results of the efforts you're both putting in. And I emphasize that never forget that a true

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relationship is about both of you equally working on it. In many homes today, you find one partner doing all the work being more like a single parent, even when it comes to raising the children more like like literally they do. They put in all the effort they make all the sacrifices. A successful marriage is about both partners, both parties, equally committed to the success of the Union, both parties equally contributing, giving and taking both parties equally committed to the success of one another. And both parties are equally committed. And on the same page when it comes to nurturing a healthy family. So it's about giving take, it's about both equally putting in and both equally

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getting out mutual fulfillment. Everything I am seeing today applies not only to those yet to be married, but also to the newlyweds and even those who have been married for a long time.

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Who wants something beautiful out of their relationship because they are reality today is not that early on when you get married, try and set certain marriage goals for one another picture a vision of how you see your

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Relationship evolving to become, have a big picture because that gives you a target and you're both heading in the same direction, keep your eye on that target, that big picture is so important.

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And then this is important. I want to emphasize this, identify the things that you witnessed growing up in your home as a child that you resented or you didn't like and make sure you do not replicate it in your new home.

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Yes, sadly, parents can get it wrong.

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Sadly, parents can create dysfunctional homes for their children. And if you are married today, and you have kids, you need to ask yourself, Am I replicating what I saw in my home today? Things that I detested when I was growing up? Am I replicating it with my spouse? Or my replicating with my children? And am I okay with my children replicating what they are seeing in us right now. Because you can't tell children how marriage should be. They learn based on what they see, if you think about how you're relating with your spouse, most likely you are replicating what either your mom or your father did, how they communicated, how they express themselves, how they showed affection.

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someone gets into a marriage. I know when I'm counseling, some people and a spouse is saying my spouse is non expressive. They just don't talk they don't show empathy. And you ask how is the parent, you will be able to pinpoint exactly where it came from.

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You cannot tell your children, you have to show them. And if you know you don't want them replicating, then you have to fix it. Why? Again, you're gonna have to answer to Allah for how you modeled what an ideal family will be, how you raise them what examples you showed them, because as parents, our role is to pass on the baton to the next generation, just like the Prophet sallallahu wasallam passed the baton over to us. And he even said that it is his hope in his last sermon that generations after he will know the faith better than those who saw it and heard it from him directly. And that same example is in the example of how he related with his family.

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Our children's relationship with their spouses with their children is actually meant to be better than ours. So are you comfortable with the way you are to deal with your spouse and how they will replicate it.

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Because your children cannot do cannot give what they do not know what they have never seen. Like when I described what a real marriage is meant to be.

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Some people did not recognize that description because it sounded foreign to them. They've never seen it. So how will they go and replicate that? Our children, we always remind them that we as parents are their path to paradise, but they are also our path to hell if we don't get it right.

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And some parents, like I said, don't get it right. And we need to be able to admit that we always say, oh, our paradise lies under the parents feet. It does, but held us to under the children's feet. If they don't get it right. Our parents will have to answer to Allah. If they raised us and we are dysfunctional. If they didn't get it right by us. The best thing you can do is pray for them. May Allah forgive them because they were as human as we are today. However, just make sure you do not pass on the wrong button. You better make sure you get it right.

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Next advice I'm going to share with you is don't ever allow anyone to impose their own family traditions or culture on yours, create your own family culture, create your own story.

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Someone else will come and say this is how we do it in our home. And that's what you should do. Don't make that mistake set boundaries. You have to protect one another from your relatives because they can destroy your marriage. My husband said he told his family when he got married to me that when that Nick was done, it was his name called not there so that I'm not married to them. I'm married to him. And I owe them absolutely nothing. You have to have the guts to set boundaries with your families. I had to set boundaries. And today none of our relatives from either side can ever walk into our house without making an appointment for us to come. Yes, call us on your book. But

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that is the right thing to do. It gives us peace of mind because nobody poked noses in our relationship. We guarded jealously, and we put a fence around it.

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Again, if you're already married and you haven't set boundaries, you have to find a way to tap to tactfully fix it. You may need diplomacy sometimes you need to you need to say it as it is because in laws are destroying homes today. We have heard nightmare stories when we speak to couples when there is a crisis.

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And amongst the obligations, again in marriage that we owe each other is to be protectors of one another to be a shield. And again for the women and the first one was for the men. Another obligation for women in Islam that we will have to answer to Allah for is we cannot admit into the call someone that our spouse dislikes. So, if the husband protects his wife, and shields her from anyone outside, whether it's relatives, friends, and so on, and the wife does not admit into the home, someone that her husband dislikes, right, then like I said, we've got a formula for a successful home, because there is balance. Because it's about our relationship with Allah. This is

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Allah's injunction. It's not about our relationship with our families. It's not our culture and traditions that we're going to have to answer to Allah for.

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We will answer to him if we do not shield and protect our spouses. And this applies to both sides. I am sorry, I know what I'm saying. May be unpleasant to many. And I may be rocking the boat. But change is not easy. But sometimes that is what it's gonna take to make that change. I ain't gonna change our condition. He's already said that, we have to take that step. And he's the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, tie your camel, then pray to Allah. If you want Allah to help you, you better first start by helping yourself. But I just feel it's important I see these things as it is, if not, why are we here.

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The trouble is, many want things to get better, but they're not ready to do the dirty work. Like I said, there is no miracle lecture or potion that you will take that will fix your marriage, you have to take charge, and you just have to do it, it is hard, it is unpleasant, it can be even painful, because you may need to cut off certain ties. Because sometimes, some of your own relations are unhealthy for you and they are better off out of your life where the profits, a lot of them say it's better to be alone than to be in Bad Company. But it's better to be in good company than to be alone. And if Bad Company happens to be blood will likely cut them off.

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If they won't support you, then they are not good for you. If they don't wish well for you, they don't wish well for your spouse. If they focus more on your happiness, and they're not interested in their spouse, I think about my mother in law and how close we are. When I can report my husband I did long ago over 20 something years ago, about 26 years ago, I reported she took sides with me.

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And then my mother knew that my husband and I had a quarrel once she immediately told my husband Hold on. Five minutes later, my father was on the line. And he watched me we take sides with the opposite. And that's how it should be you have to protect. And if your relatives are not ready to do that, then they do mean well for you.

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You just have to sometimes make these very unpleasant, unpleasant decisions. Why? Because it's peace you want my husband cut off ties with any friend that he felt is not in support of the happy home he wants to create. None of his friends have influence over him. And my husband made it clear I only had one friend then and he's like, please, I don't want her she's bad news. And I don't want her as part of our lives. And I cut off that relationship and I'm all the better for it. I describe us as antisocial. But guess what we are with our best friends we are with our buddies, our lover our confidence, you know, our meat as Allah describes it in the Quran.

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So if you want to change, then now is the perfect time, there's no better time than today for that change to happen. The next thing that has helped my husband and I build the relationship we have today is we started to develop a code of conduct together. And I share this in lectures a lot these days because a lot of marriages are missing this very key ingredient that is necessary. certain rules that you have to promise one another that you will always observe and always fulfill. It's almost like an unwritten contract between each other, that you will always do these things.

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Number one for us is faith and spirituality that Allah will feature in our relationship in what we do, how we think in the decisions we take, and we're going to hold on tight to Allah zero, and he will always be our compass, our guide and our personal Qibla. We do acts of spirituality to them, whether it's charity, whether it's acts of service, we always talk about it and make decisions on what we're gonna do together. We pray together. Even during Ramadan, my husband stays at home and leads the family in prayer. That's number one. Number two is fidelity, loyalty and contentment because of how bad how rampant where people's conscience have died completely, and they're not

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afraid of the consequence of infidelity. Part of our agreement is we will always be loyal and true to one another. And we will be content with what we have and work on ourselves. So don't just accept

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Because you have an agreement, your spouse will be content they will not cheat on you or, you know, commit sin and whatever that you can do as you please know we have to always be on our best behavior. We have to work on ourselves.

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That is so important, but that contentment, accepting that I chose to marry this person I wasn't forced. And I'm gonna work on this marriage as difficult as it may be a no marriage is easy to build. But I'm gonna work on myself and inshallah, I will always find peace and contentment, I comfortably look at my husband and I say, Oh my god, Allah took his time to move his heart to move his soul and every inch of him just for me, and I keep saying Alhamdulillah every day thank Allah for this gift he has given me another Code of Conduct is mutual respect, because that is the currency we interact with. That no matter how angry I get, I'll never disrespect you. No matter how

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angry I will get I get I'll never denigrate you, I will never raise my voice to you. Respect good. Other is part of being a Muslim.

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You can't be fighting, being disrespectful of being disrespected, being denigrated, or denigrating your spouse, spouse dishonouring them and expect love and mercy to feature today we wonder, where has the love and mercy gone? Check your heart, check your approach. How do you talk? What is your tone? What is your body language, you cannot be unfaithful

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to your spouse and expect love and mercy to exist. You can't have feelings of contempt, neglect your spouse or be feel neglected and expect peace to exist. No marriage can function normally with any of those things happening.

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It just simply is an Islamic and we're going to have to answer to Allah for that. Another Code of Conduct is trust. We trust each other completely. That we keep no secrets. We have our devices. Well, I had not a password anywhere in this house. I have my husband's pin. I have his emails, he has my emails, we keep no secrets. I tell people if you don't want me, my husband to know Don't tell me.

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No deception, no manipulation, that trust is so important that you are sincere. What you see is what you get no gameplan then this one is very powerful, effective communication, you must learn how to communicate with one another effectively, I took courses because I was hopeless at communicating. I couldn't talk in the right manner. I remember growing up we are loopy, right? So my husband would say to me, Maria, Mama Gaga, Maria, you don't know how to talk. And I couldn't. I said whatever came to my mind when I was angry with no filter.

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So you must learn what is the most effective way of communicating and learn to be a good listener. We were given two ears and one mouth so that we use this one more than the other. Learn about timing. When is the best time to talk? Do you meet your spouse at the door and then boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, whatever it is that's bothering you? Or maybe you have guests and then you raise something at that time with them. So what's your method? Talk about your method of communicating, talk about everything. Your intimacy needs, your fantasies, that's the importance of effective communication, and talk about how you plan to give each other how to resolve conflict. What's the best method? Like

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today, if I'm upset with my husband, I can make an appointment to fight. But like so if something is bothering me, whenever it's okay with you, I want to talk and that's it. It never ever escalates to a fight. It could take him two days, three days. When he eventually sits, it doesn't happen. He just says morioka What's bothering you? And we go from there. I used to ask him like why do you take so long and he'd say I wanted to make sure that I collect my thoughts. And no matter what you say to me that my ego doesn't interfere. When I hear something that I don't like.

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Another thing that really helped is feedback, feedback. ask for feedback. You are so not perfect. So you need to know why it's about the beholder the person on the other end what are they seeing and what do they want to receive? The turning point after six years of horrible fights with my husband was when I asked him what is it about me you don't like that you want me to change? What is it about me you like that you want me to improve upon? And what is it that I'm not doing? You want me to start? What are your fantasies? What is it you want? What are your needs?

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Alhamdulillah for me, my husband reciprocated like I emphasize a good marriage is about both ways. And it's not pleasant. It's not easy hearing the truth about yourself. But you have to get used to doing that. We do this regularly about every formance we sit down. Not long ago I asked my husband a few months ago. How can I make you

00:40:00--> 00:40:00

happier,

00:40:02--> 00:40:03

you have to it's about that.

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And then Hamdulillah, if they are ready to reciprocate, then you are you will have a good relationship, and then do a lot of self inventory. I am very ruthless with myself, I'm very hard on myself, I beat myself up with my bad habits so badly. But I do that to keep myself on my toes so that I'm always bringing my a game when it comes to the relationship. Another Code of Conduct is mutual growth, both of you need to grow and evolve in the relationship, and you need to grow in the same direction. We have people who have this intellectual gap we communicated with this lady who are sorry, this gentleman who reached out his wife moved up to having a PhD while he has a first degree.

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And now she talks about your kind of people like there's suddenly this intellectual superiority between them. You have to grow together and try and have shared interests things in common. If you don't, I always say the risk if you don't fulfill your spouse's needs in the home, the risk for them to find fulfilment outside begins, then you have to learn each other's love language and basic human needs. Learn about the emotional bank account, if you don't know what I'm talking about, please go on YouTube and just type love five love languages.

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And six basic human needs and emotional bank account just to that I know there'll be a video of this recording. So due to time, I can't go through it and go into them. But when you want to deposit in your spouse's emotional bank account, make sure you're depositing in the right currency. Because love to you may be quite different to them. Like my husband, I can describe he's very affectionate. He loves to hold enough to hug whenever we go out in public, if we're in the mall, my husband always holds my hands on put his arms around me. Whereas for me, my number one is actually service support me support my interests, what I'm doing, have my back, and that's good enough for me that is my

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number one love language. So it may be totally different. You need to know so you are depositing in the right currency, but always grow and evolve together intellectually, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and in service to others, then look good for one another and look sexy for one another. Yes, even the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We have heard so many leads up to how he takes care of himself. Looks good.

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Smell good for your spouse. Well, I had people reach out to me and say please talk to my spouse. They are smelling I don't know how to tell them because I don't want to hurt their feelings or give talks on body odor. I lie down next to them and I want to throw up you need to be conscious of using antiperspirant and deodorant. perfume is not a substitute for rolawn some people don't get it. And I'm talking both of you. Both of you need to look good for one another. You both need to look sexy for one another. Do Shakira for whatever we still flirt in this house. I'll be doing whatever my Shakira my husband See, or whatever. Even my son once noticed, I was so surprised. We're not going

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anywhere. We're not going anywhere. My husband went combed his hair, washed his face look good came into the living room. He's just wearing his t shirt and slaps him into the living room and my son just looked at him and like Bubba Hall, like Mama, Mama, look up, Baba. I love that. To make an effort. It's about both and remember you will answer to Allah about your halau relationship. So be adventurous. One of our prerequisites as Muslims who get married is to have an engaging a long relationship with our spouse, be adventurous in intimacy. And don't make intimacy a chore. Don't make it a routine. Boredom is a recipe for disaster when it comes to intimacy. So have fun, but it

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should be both of you. It's not one sided, a lot of marriages or bankrupt of intimacy being fun and exciting. Why is it the side kick or that hot guy that should enjoy you? When you have what you are going to have to answer to Allah for for a halau relationship, do anything inside out upside down, back to front swing from the chandelier to your bedroom acrobatics, whatever pleases you both of you.

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You have to make sure you take care of this department. It is so important, but it's about the two of you.

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Another code of conduct for us is that we will be each other's cheerleaders that we will support we will encourage we will uplift.

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Let your spouse know that they matter that they are relevant, validate them. Don't let them go seeking validation outside because you didn't tell them they mean the world to you or how much they mean to you. Be very careful.

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Not saying thank you Be very careful not showing appreciation even for the littlest things feed their spirit. This is one of our code of conduct. We feed each other spirits with words of encouragement, words of support, words of validation, even physical words, like he does something. And just, you know, just go and give him a hug. Or she does something good. Give them a hug, give her a hug. Tell her You're so proud of her. Let them always look forward to coming home to you. If you ask your spouse today, between you and Allah, do you look forward to me coming home to you, you may be in for a surprise. We have so many more than last, I'll share with you his commitment for

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life. Having that mindset that I'm in this for the long haul, because it helps you look at the big picture, it helps you look long term. And it helps you continue to make effort because your eyes on the target. But the fruits you start to enjoy from your little efforts, even if it is just to fulfill your obligations when lackey is more than enough. So we have so many more of our code of conduct, but come up with your own, it doesn't matter if you've been married 30 years. If you're yet to get married, talk about it beforehand, but you have to both commit to be true to it. For us, these are our non negotiables our code of conduct that we both observe, observe.

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And we've recently added the use of phone and use of social media to our list. Why? Because we are giving the unseen more priority than the person in front of us. If I'm on the phone with my husband and someone calls me I will never drop the phone to answer and say sorry, someone is calling me. We're giving those who aren't in front of us more priority. We're on our devices, even with our family member lying our spouse lying by our side, talking to strangers day and night. Don't be surprised if you are having problems in your relationship today. one or more of these things is not in place. Then another important thing to talk about its family planning.

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Family Planning, how many do you want to have those who are yet to be married and those who get married but are still newlyweds with Alice blitzing? How many children do you want to have? When do you want to start having children, don't ever allow anyone to pressurize you to have kids, they're not going to be there to help you raise them.

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And when your kids start messing around, they're gonna say it's your fault. So make sure you have kids, when you are ready. Nine months after the wedding off, we start popping these kids like rabbits.

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Talk about how involved will both of you be in the upbringing of your children.

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But I know this issue of parenting, having kids is a topic for another day, because for Sunday, think it's controversial.

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Some rush to have kids because they think or their biological clock is ticking. They're not young, they got married old, it doesn't matter. You have kids and you're not ready or you've not finished fighting and settling into a groove, you're going to risk kids who are dysfunctional, and you're going to have to unset to allow for it. So why bring children into a world where there's no love, no communication, they didn't ask to be born, you choose to have them with Allah blessing. But why should they not see a great model? Because they will copy what they see. And some people have this mistaken belief that the more children you have, it'll solve your problem will lie. It makes things

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worse, if you've not gotten your act together, children are going to mess up your relationship.

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My biggest fear is that we're going to have to answer to Allah.

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Our children are going to report us to Allah and say, my mother married a terrible father. And that's why I ended up being the way I am. My husband and I waited six years and before we got married, this was something that it raised and discussed with me. But he still has some skeletons or should I say demons in his back. He wants to deal with some baggage of things that he experienced growing up, and he's not ready to be a father. And I was 18 when I got married and he's like you sure in ready to get him mother because I was in a hot headed, rebellious teenager. But he mentioned how he's going to be a hands on father how he's going to be a deliberate father. And he was he

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changed diapers. He took them away from me when he knew I needed to sleep. This was the agreement to do our children are all in university, but one lie. We spend hours talking to them on the phone. And we let them loose to the world because we planted the seeds we can. We were conscious we were there. We were deliberate.

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And they are close to their dad. A lot of fathers don't know their children today. But like I said, the issue to do with parenting is a discussion for another day. In conclusion. Just remember, no matter how many years you've been married people change

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people grow, they evolve, and their needs change. So don't ever allow your relationship to be stagnant. And always, always ask for feedback. It is so important, so that you know what their new needs are. And like I said, mine is in inventory every four months or so, where I want to know what am I doing wrong? How can I make you happier? What else would you like me to do? And then introspect, look at yourself, ruthlessly, look at your bad habits, remove the weeds in this beautiful garden that you are nurturing, adding sunlight and nutrients. And then seek to understand because of this evolution, we all go through, seek to understand and accommodate one another, as

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long as those changes are healthy for both of you. But no matter what happens between you and your spouse, never lose sight of their endearing qualities, what you fell in love with. If that person you fell in love with, has changed, or is no longer there, find them and bring them back. They didn't disappear by accident, you chase them away.

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And the reality is, whatever the state of your marriage may be today, if it is great, always ask, How did I contribute to making it great? If you did,

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always ask if your marriage is good? How did it happen that way? Why? Because these things don't happen by accident. And if it is not good, Ask not what did they do wrong? That it became not good? Ask what did you do? or What didn't you do to make it what it is today? The big question is, are you ready to open a new chapter? Are you ready to sit with your spouse and talk? Are you ready to ask for feedback and put your ego aside? Even the Prophet sallallahu wasallam consulted his spouses. And he also asked for feedback. So be conscious in your marriage, be deliberate in your marriage be present in your marriage, marriages don't run on autopilot. Marriages don't run by luck or by

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accident. It takes conscious, deliberate efforts. Now, having said that, sometimes in spite of all your good efforts, you have done everything in your power to make things work. Unfortunately, your spouse does not reciprocate.

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What I said earlier about what the prophet sallallahu wasallam said that sometimes it's better to be alone than to be in Bad Company. And sometimes if you're being depreciated if you find you're depleting in value, you're being broken, you're not gaining, you're not growing, you're not evolving upwards, you're going down, you're going backwards, you're a shell of who you are, you're losing your identity. And sometimes divorce doesn't need to happen, as unpleasant as it may be as much as Allah dislikes it. It is permissible because Allah isn't impressed by your suffering in marriage. That is not the jihad. The jihad is your patience and perseverance to see the results of both your

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efforts. But if divorce does occur, and you happen to have children remember something you are parents for life, don't ever talk bad about the mother or the father of your children. Don't ever draw your children into the battlefield, while likely they are going to resent you later on. And you could raise dysfunctional children by doing so. But never consider divorce until you have exhausted all options. But that description of marriage that I gave you at the beginning of two partners, unlikely there reaches a stage where you almost think your hearts are beating simultaneously. I am living proof that beautiful relationships do exist today, in spite of all the bleak stories we've

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heard, and sadly, some that we have seen ourselves, but have hopes have big dreams for your marriage. Make sure you marry the right spouse if you're not yet married, that shares your vision shares your value shares your goals for what a true relationship will be. And if your marriage has reached rock bottom, and what you believe you have now is ashes. Don't give up on your spouse don't give up on your marriage. They may have gone into hiding because of the circumstances or the toxicity of the relationship. But if your spouse is worth fighting for, I asked you for the sake of Allah, work on yourself, sit down and talk and inshallah Allah will fill in the blanks He has

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promised us that we need to make that effort and pray hard, pray make to our upon to our fast, because once you put in the effort and you do those things, I promise you Allah will never leave you in despair. May He put his blessing in your union. May He put lights in your heart. May He grant you the ability to see your faults and your flaws. And May He grant you the ability to work ruthlessly to break any habits that are destroying

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You and destroying your relationship. And may He Bless you all in the best manner for those who are yet to get married. May Allah grant you that companion that he has created just for you. And may you be that partner, for your spouse, to my coaches accumulo hiren once again for organizing this event may Allah bless you all meet all you do serve as a witness for you in the life to come in sha Allah Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh while they

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went to Iowa Barakatuh Thank you very much. Dear sister, Miriam naman, we had a wonderful time listening to you. The lecture was very inspiring, and thank you for sharing all the tapes, all the code, Code of Conduct with worked for you, and we pray that inshallah we'll have more happy you have a pm Muslims. I mean, thank you very much.

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So now we're going to take questions. We're going to the question and answer session. And we're taking questions from our participants. So already have some questions. Yeah. If you have questions, you can drop your questions in the chat box. I will read them while our speaker answers the question. As much as possible. We want people to be brief in their questions that your questions declare.

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All questions will be taken through the chat box. Thank you very much everyone. So the first question which I am going to be reading out here, I have a question.

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Okay, so the first question is,

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kindly elaborate more on submissiveness in a premarital relationship. So it's just a hacks that you should explain, elaborate more on submissiveness in premarital relationship? That's the first question.

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Okay, um, if you're quoting someone, you don't owe them anything. If you're not engaged to be married, it's not legalized in the eyes of Allah, and you're not engaged, then. Definitely, you don't owe them anything during courtship. It's that period of getting to know one another. And if your spouse to be is trying to make you submit to them.

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obedience to your husband, if you are female, is one of the prerequisites in Islam, and one of the obligations we as wives or our husband, but that does not mean to be enslaved, that does not mean that they are meant to Lord over us. Now, let me explain because I use my husband as an example. I see my husband as the boss of this family. Why? Because Allah, Allah says so that he is the boss. Now, any boss, any leader should be one that you look up to that you respect, that you believe their vision, their goal, where they want to go to is where you want to go to and as a follower, I'm ready to follow you if you're going to lead me in the right direction. So I will always honor you, I will

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always honor my husband because he has fulfilled his promises. And I love where he's heading. I love his focus on spirituality and love first in everything we do. He encourages me to join him when he fasts and all those things. So and the way he thinks, his maturity, his dignity, his honesty is everything. So for me, I'm ready to follow his instructions. He says Maryam, I want you to do this, I will submit I will do I will follow you as a leader because I trust you. However, if submission means oppression, even like I said, oppression is worse than slaughter in Islam. So let people not change the meaning of what Allah prescribed marriage to be and what a spouse is meant to be. Because

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if he says we have created for you means Who is your classmate? I mean, superiority in the eyes of Allah is not based on gender. It's based on taqwa. It's based on consciousness of him. So if he says it's not a man or a woman that's better than any other. Then let nobody Lord over someone else. Because even for Allah, we are all the same. But as a spouse, yes, the man is the head of the household. But I always emphasize the men, the man needs to make sure he's heading in the right direction you earn respect. You don't just get it automatically. These are just rules. Don't just say okay, because it's an obligation. You are cheating on me and then I should respect you. Because

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that's an obligation I owe you. It doesn't work. I'm human. And I have feelings and like I said, the heart has been created in a way that it loves those who show kindness towards me. If you don't show me kindness, you don't show me respect. You don't honor me. You want me to do it automatically. That is not a happy home. And if I'm not

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talks that he has put love and mercy in our hearts and we are supposed to dwell in tranquility, you can't have a tranquil home if you're not treating your spouse Well, if you're disrespecting them. So for me if it's premarital, just make sure you both truly understand the meaning of that. So you don't go in with this mistaken belief that they are your Lord and you submit to them. It has to be both ways. That's my opinion. Okay, thank you very much my Hanukkah. Another question that we have here is, what are the rights of the married woman in Islam? And also what are the rights of the man as well?

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So what are the rights of man and woman in marriage?

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What are the rights of a man? And what are the rights of the woman? Okay, let me start the rights of a husband. The first is sorry, the responsibilities of a husband is to pay the dowry the my hair during the nikka. However, it's not meant to be a large sum that gives him That's why I say don't go and put things that make it a burden. Because in this day and age, you find people who are demanding ridiculous amounts of money. That is the one that even Allah prescribes for us that we should be easy on it on them, don't make it difficult to make it a burden. In fact, when my dad married my mom, he borrowed his dowry from her to do the nikka. He didn't have any money whatsoever. So the

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first is the dowry. The second is an allowance, your spouse, if it's the man, or you or the woman asking you are entitled to an allowance, my husband and I have an agreement, and every quarter, he gives me a lump lump sum of money, and that is your money. It's nobody's money, it's not for the household chores is not for food. It's not for toilet paper, it's yours to do as you please. So an allowance, when it comes to herbal accommodation, you're not meant to be taken into a dump, you're not meant to be taken and asked to just stay within those no accommodation, where you will be comfortable, you will feel safe, then to treat his wife fairly,

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to treat his wife fairly, or wives fairly equally. And then a husband owes a responsibility is to be a protector or a shield to her like a government. And then love, kindness and respect, like I mentioned earlier, then the rights of the husband, you the woman, you owe him this obedience, and to serve Him not slave. And I've explained that, but you owe him to be obedient to Him, and then a halaal relationship with his wife, he is entitled to allow relationship with you. And then you do not have any right to admit into the hole, anyone he doesn't like, and you are meant to take his permission before you go out of the house. These are rights of the husband, and then your husband

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has a right to your love. You've been kind to him and you showing respect to him. And then for the responsibilities of the wife what she owes her husband number one is obedience. We've talked about that. Number two is a halau relationship with her husband that she gives him that and then not admitting anyone into the home that he dislikes, and then asking for husband's permission before going out and serving her husband, the same as the other one that I've explained. And then a right of a wife, what the wife has every right to is your you have the right to that dowry. And it's yours, you have the right to an allowance, you have a right to a comfortable accommodation, you have

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the right to be loved by your husband to receive kindness, to receive respect. And this last one is very interesting. acquiring knowledge, you have the right to acquire knowledge in the relationship. You have the right to acquire knowledge to increase in knowledge. And that is part of your rights. And one of the obligations your husband owes you. So that's it. Those are the written obligations of spouses in marriage.

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I thank you very much. Um, another question here is what is the best advice for a young Muslim who intended to marry a Muslim man for love and for the sake of Allah, and later toned down by the Muslim man Woodside with his own diluted emotions. So this person is asking that was the best advice for a young Muslim who intended to marry a Muslim and was turned down

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what is not meant for you on come your way, and don't despair if she turns you down. Just know that there is someone out there that Allah has created for you continue to search continue to pray, continue to fast continue to ask Allah to grant you that companion and show you where to find them. These days. There are so many

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I need different methods of finding a spouse, the more conventional One is through word of mouth, or through families arranging. But you also have the unconventional that's actually taking picking up speed today, which is through matrimonial halau matchmaking sites. So it's some, you know, try different methods. I have a friend who found their spouse to be and they're almost getting ready to get married on that site. I spoke to someone two days ago, who actually has been married five years and they found a spouse through that means, but sometimes you could go to events, I'm sure when mica organized events, they may have matchmaking services netspot may have an other organizations you may

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belong to. So yeah, you know, just know that maybe Allah was protecting you from something and see Alhamdulillah and continue to pray. Hi, thank you very much, man. Just to chip in, we have a program that is coming up next week, inshallah next week, Sunday, and this program is a singles meetup program. It's an opportunity for eligible singles to meet people who are ready to commit into a serious relationship. And so please check the chat box for the registration link, if you're interested.

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Okay, so another question that I have here is, how do you reach an equilibrium between your family and the spouse? So this question is asking about how you manage your own family and also your spouse your relationship? Yeah.

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Your number one obligation, you know, is to this person that you married, I'm not sure if it's a man or a woman asking if it's a man asking you went and took someone's daughter out of her home and brought her into your home. So you owe her which is why I talked about protecting your spouse from your relations because they are destroying marriages today. However, that balance, I think, like my husband did for me, I know the relationship he has with my family and the relationship I have with his family. And hamdulillah has worked well for us from the beginning, he made sure he set boundaries, that this is my wife and I don't want anybody foreclosing in our affairs. So let me draw

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the line and make that clear. However, we still go together to visit his mom, his father, may Allah, La or Hmong is of late. And he was extremely close to my mom, they there was such close buddies, my mom would confide in Him and ask Him seek his advice and consulting on issues that she would never ask my brother and I because she said, We're too emotionally attached to her that we mean give biased advice. So and the same with my dad, he's very, very close. In fact, even today, I get jealous, we go to visit my dad. And he's really, really he's in his 90s. And he sees me all the time. But when my husband enters the room, his face literally lights up. And I love that in spite of

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his memory going, that he still has this fond relationship with my husband, and my husband just sits by his bedside, and they just just, and so on. So I think it's about the word is the balance it really briam is it actually, with everything in life needs to be balanced, don't go and give this one so much that you don't give this other side sufficient, but you have to prioritize who comes first. And then you go like my children, if you ask them. Now, who comes first in our lives, that's my husband and I, they would say it's Allah first, who come second, it is me, myself and I because if I'm in order, I can get the world in order. If I am in order, I can give them the best of me,

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then who comes third, they will see if it's me, they'll say it's my husband. And if they're that, they will say it's Mama. And then who comes fourth, it's them. So we make sure they know they This is our top four, then we have love to give everybody else afterwards in whatever order, of course, our parents. And then I talked about parents, sometimes your parents are not correct. This is a reality, we just have to start talking about. Sometimes our parents mess us up. And sometimes our parents deserve to our but like, I know an example my husband was sharing with me where you have a mother who goes and sees babalawo and these Muslims and so on, and she asks you for your vehicle to

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go there and you're like, no way, am I giving you my car to go into public transport, right? kickin up paper, whatever you want. I'm not going to be a party to this. There are times where you have to put your foot down and not oblige them. When you have mothers in law, interfering in your relationship or pressing your spouse you need to put your foot down and put an end to it. So there are boundaries. I mean, in any relationship, you have to set boundaries to make sure people do the right thing. As long as you do the right thing to show respect. You respect what I have what I'm building. If you don't and you're interfering, then you don't mean well for me and my family. You've

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already lived your life. You may have messed up your

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But please don't mess up mine. So that issue of relatives and equilibrium and balancing, let everything use common sense. It's as simple as that. Allah is not going to be impressed by you just submitting and doing as they please, if they are crossing the lines, even in the eyes of Allah, you have to speak up, like my husband I heard him give was a gentleman advice, who was having issues with his mother. He's like, you have to talk to her because Allah will ask you how you saw your mother going astray. And what did you do about it? and What didn't you do to allow her to continue? So for me, I just really believe in this straight talk now about parents. I love my parents to

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death. Well, lucky, my parents did an amazing job raising my brother and I and we saw a beautiful relationship that we are emulating, but where they go wrong, where they make mistakes I see like me, I see my parents made a mistake. They didn't tell me you fight in marriage, because I never grew up seeing fights. So today I say yes, that was a big problem. For six years we fought. And I went in with this delusion that you don't fight in marriage two weeks into the marriage. I wanted a divorce. Why? Because I didn't know couples fight. I did didn't. So that's the reality. I mean, we really have to just say it as it is.

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All right, thank you very much for telling us about the parities and also telling us about setting boundaries. So we have another question here. Someone is asking, Can you suggest books? Or links for positive feelings?

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Okay, um, yeah, I can, what I could do is though, because I need to quickly find it. I've got it in some of my notes. Because I, I've just created a premarital online course, which is about to be launched in the next month or so. I'm in there. I talk about parenting, and there are books and readings for premarital, and for parenting, hopefully. So you get it right before you go into marriage. So I'll have to go there and look for the books and then maybe I will post it to you, you will know how to share it with them since you have a mailing list.

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All right, that works. Good. I just say something, there is a book. It's not a Muslim book. But well, I I for me, I know that book contributed a lot to how I'm living my life today. And it's not a religious book, I want to emphasize this. But it's Seven Habits of Highly Effective families by Stephen Covey, because he gives the most amazing advice. And you can find the book online even free of the book is free on in ebooks. If you have any ebook links, or apps that you can download, or you go on YouTube, just type Seven Habits of Highly Effective families. a gazillion people have broken that book down. I know that book changed the way I discipline the children. Because my husband and I

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are firm on discipline. We don't tolerate nonsense. But we love all sorts. So it's we try to balance it. But I would say that, for me was a huge turning point in the approach I took and about understanding the diversity in our kids and how different they are. So for me, that's one of the first books that comes to mind, but there are others inshallah, that I will share with you.

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Thank you very much.

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So we have other questions in the chat box, which I'm trying to read now.

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So somebody is asking here, so.

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So is saying that,

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how do you convince your parents to you get married? Let's say you have someone serious and also ready to get married. But they keep insisting that you need more money for a big wedding. But all he wants is a small island wedding, a small halaal wedding? Can we go ahead and get married without the lessons? So someone is asking that question. May Allah bless you for having you know that intention because really, this is so rare today when you see these ridiculous videos and pictures on social media of what weddings look like today? Um, yeah, it's such a tough one. And just to answer your question, yeah, if you, you can go to a Sharia court and ask, the judge will actually end up being

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your lead and will conduct an IC o for you. It is an emotional rollercoaster. It's not easy. And I know a couple of people that have actually done it where they didn't get their parents support. And they went ahead and did the nikka. And why in their case the parents didn't support was more based on trial, not because of religion or some alarm bells that went off in their minds, but I would say definitely there are options but you should have exhausted all options because many times the family turns their backs it causes a lot of turmoil in the home. But you know, do your homework make sure First of all, this person is worth the fight you know that they are the right person. Do your

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research.

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taharah what is the Hara pray fast, do sadaqa over the issue, ask others to help you do is to hover over the matter so that you make sure this is the right person. And then you may need to speak to some respected members of the community or respected family members, maybe uncles or aunts to help speak to them and see if they can convince them that you do not want to bling bling wedding, you want to keep it simple. I know my boys said, you know, they just want to have a wedding by a stream where there's a willow tree, and we just put through tablecloths on the floor, and we just sit and have a picnic. Call the Mom, let him do benicar and everybody go, we just wear, you know, shirts and

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jeans. And so it's just so sweet. I love that. And hey, I love that and I'm ready to do it. And I'm not joking. But that's Yeah, from a religious point of view, you do have those options, you can go to a Sharia court. But May Allah make it easy, it's not pleasant. It's emotionally draining. And may He guide you through this process. inshallah. I mean, thank you very much. We have another question here, which is, how can one walk on having inner peace and contentment?

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Ah, well, that's another topic in itself. Inner peace, inner peace and contentment in the relationship or between you and Allah, you and yourself. There are so many tentacles to this. The first for me, I would say is Allah first if you trust Allah to be your guide, and you follow his injunctions, I'm not a religious fanatic. So please don't get me wrong.

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People still today tell me I'm not Muslim enough. And I'm not he jumped in after my dressing is haram my lipstick is around, I used to sell them. To me when the Quran it says lipstick is haram. But with regard to my relationship with my Lord, what I love is I've got the Quran that he has, that is His Word. And I know it is him speaking to me live and direct, not through a middle man or middle man's interpretation of the faith, and everything in there, I am okay with what I don't understand, I find those who are more knowledgeable than I am. And I ask them to clarify and explain. However, I love the connection. Once upon a time I wasn't praying for like five years I wasn't praying I felt I

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didn't know even existed. And, you know, it took me it's a journey, I'm still on the journey to discovering Islam. And each day I opened a new page, and I love the beauty of what I see and the simplicity and the mercy and Rama of Allah. So for me, I just find that, you know, as he said, if you are conscious of him, he will provide for you from sources you never expected. And being conscious of Allah is allowing him to be your compass on your guide. What I say what I mean by that is in your thoughts, because everything starts with the thoughts with the mind, what do you think of? And then what do you turn into action? What do you manifest into reality? So the thoughts, the

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intentions, and the actions all go together? And as long as you always ask, will Allah be pleased with me if I do this, it gives me peace of mind, because he doesn't want me to gossip. So I don't gossip. He doesn't want me to cheat, to lie, to steal, to follow. And if I just follow those rules, well, I it gives me peace of mind. And then the other obligations. For me, half of my faith is to make sure I am the best wife I possibly can be for my husband, and the best mother for my children and the best daughter, and the best employee or employer, and all those things are connected to my faith. So when I say Islam, we've all heard Islam is a way of life. And it's so cliche, but it's

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like, it's all encompassing. It's everything in the way I dress, I'm conscious of my Islam, will Allah be pleased with me in my utterances, am I pleased, is gonna be pleased with me. Am I conscious that I am a representative, I am an ambassador of Allah on this earth. And that, you know, he says he has made me his halifa, his representative on how do I represent our law? Well, how do ambassadors represent their country? Well, I mean, you got to be on your best behavior, especially if you're representing your Creator, and in what way in my thoughts in my utterances, in my deeds, if I connect all those things, it just is so simple. And I know as a human, I'm going to make a

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mistake, I'm going to mess up. But Allah is good for Rahim, he is so forgiving, and every time I go astray if my sin if my intention is sincere, my repentance is sincere, he has promised He will forgive me, and that he will always be close to me and the trials, I go through the burdens of my shoulder, whether it's people who are going through divorce, or they've lost a loved one, or they're going through depression, or their child is crippled, or disabled. Let me use that word. You know, whatever trial and heaviness you feel in your heart, maybe from betrayal, or whatever, you know, your travel may be your family members, your parents, it could be your children. And you know that

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these trials are a test of your faith and each time connected. What does Allah want me to do?

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In this situation, how did the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and other prophets before him handle such a situation? And what is what is my a game that I can bring to this circumstance I'm in so that I passed a last test. I mean, those are all thoughts that have to go through your mind, that will likely just give you peace of mind. So if you want peace and contentment and happiness, then do what you're supposed to do. And always be conscious of him. Let him be running in your background. You know, am I doing the right thing? Don't be hard on yourself. Don't be an extremist. Don't be a fanatic. Be kind to people. Be considerate, but be kind to yourself, love yourself. You really have

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to do that. If you don't love yourself, you What are you going to offer the world you can't give the best of you. And Allah doesn't make mistakes, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances, weather, economic background, the family you were born into, it's not an accident, your education, all these things happened as a trial. So how do you make sure you use them? I didn't get a degree, but I feel I'm doing living my best life today. And using what I have learned, and my hunger and desire to learn and grow, and most importantly, contribute to live a peaceful life and fulfilling life. And I don't owe anybody anything. I try not to I'm not, it's not easy not to look for trouble.

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But I try my best not to look for people's trouble. But for me, it's like don't hold people like they see in mind, you sleep well at night. For me, that's what gives me peace of mind that I am giving the best I have to offer because Allah didn't give it to me to keep to myself, it is to achieve my greatest calling, even if first I have to be complete. And that's what I tried to do continue to build myself evolve, make myself an asset, so that I can give the very best I have to offer. So I think that's it if you ask.

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All right, thank you very much. Well, we're actually wrapping up Now, before we do so we'll take a few more questions and wrap up. So I have one question here that says, What's your take on long courtship? So somebody is asking, what's his take on non courtship? So let me add one more question. And the other question is, what can you say about his spouse who feels yet too religious? Okay, let me take the first one. What's my take among OSHA? Well, there's nobody that can tell you how long you should court. But I'm not one in favor of anything under even six months, if you ask me, because it's easy to be on your best behavior for that period of time. And sometimes even in five years of

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courtship, you may not know their true colors, if we're going to be honest, if somebody is determined to deceive you, they will, however, I feel it gives you enough time to do your investigation, and to learn about their background to ask about their family. There's a lady who she's Nigerian, she lives in the United States and has three children and her husband had just visited her and left, then lockdown began. And her husband reached out to us and said, You know, he was having issues and so on. His wife suddenly said she wanted a divorce. And it just sounded so sad and so pathetic, like, you know, please, can we reach out to her and like, please don't do this. So

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when we did by the time, we started asking questions, we discovered that she didn't know he had been married. Sorry, his father had been married to about 12 different women. Before, you know, like, he grew up in a single with a single Mum, and never really witnessed a happy home. Because amongst the things she complained about is he had no expression, he had no emotion. He didn't. He was very selfish. He, he didn't care about her feelings. You know, and every expression of love, she tried to give him he didn't reciprocate. So, you know, by the time you find out like, okay, he doesn't didn't have the right model, not that if you didn't have the right model, you can fix it. First you have to

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identify you didn't have the right model, then do your homework to learn. So don't get me wrong. And there are some people who have identified what I grew up with is so bad, I want to make sure I don't do it. So I'm going to make sure I fix myself, and that I don't have any excess baggage that I carry on into the relationship. But the issue to do with, you know, this court length of courtship is for you to know more about them to ask the right question. observe them in different settings, not only how do they relate with you, but how do they relate, relate with others? Because it's a reflection of what's to come if they're relating in a very terrible way with someone Well, they're bit on their

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best behavior with you. That's why you've not seen that side. But when marriage comes and the masks come off, you will be on that you will be the brunt of that. And then the receiving end of that. So I think,

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definitely until you feel right. That's why it's so important as a guide.

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For you, and it makes sure you don't like I said before, ignore warning signs, don't think, Oh, I will fix them. Things like that never work out. Just make sure it's when you have complete peace in your heart that all the questions all the concerns you have have been addressed properly to the best of your ability. Don't be so eager to rush into marriage that's meant to be for the rest of your life. That is so important. That's why even in Islam, we are asked to be cautious when it comes to spouse selection, pull your grades, make sure you get married for the right reasons. And one of the right reasons is like if you say it's beauty, my dad told me if you think you don't my husband and I

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before we just before we got married, that if you think you are attractive, you're beautiful, it'll fade, you know, and so that is such an if you're attracted to something beautiful, and Bling, bling, it will fade. So make sure you're getting married for the right reasons. Don't get married due to pressure, don't get married, due to wealth, don't get married. Because people are you tell yourself that your biological clock is ticking blah, blah, blah, get married, because you feel you are right, because you've got to be in order. In fact, if I were to answer that question, let me rewind, I would say get married. When you know what you want. You are self aware, you have a lot of EQ,

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emotional intelligence and social intelligence. Because these are all things that you need within, you need to know what you want, you have to have a vision for your life, you have to start living, don't wait till you get married to start living your life beyond the path and then the person who is good for you will hop in. And you both find your level. So moving in the right company, if you want to attract the right kind of spouse and you be the right person, because I always see Mr. Right or miss right is looking for this right and Mr. Right? So not always wrong, not Mr. Wrong. So make sure you are in the right company and the right people. I hope that answers the question. So take your

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time. But to me, honestly, I think six months is even too short. I know some get married in a much shorter period of time. And may Allah put that his blessings in their union and some marriages like that do work out. But I just know, based on the counseling we do the kind of things that do come up later on. Sorry, the second question was, um, the second question is,

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what do you say about his spouse who feels you are too religious?

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As long as you are not a fanatic, as long as you are not extreme, and you are observing your ibadah between you and Milan, you're comfortable with where you are continue. I mean, your spouse shouldn't tell you to take off. If you're a woman, you're in trouble for you to say stop praying. I mean, right there. There's a serious problem. Anything that goes against what Allah wants your faith, then there's a problem. You need to stand up and seek intervention, talk and talk and over talk. I mean, sometimes that's what I will say you look up Dino camellia did I know, it doesn't apply. But sometimes it's like, okay, you do your own the way you're comfortable with, and leave me to do my

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own the way I'm comfortable with. But the problem is that with that is when you start to have children, because if you're not careful, they will follow the other. And if you that's why that premarital. And being on the same page with your vision for your marriage is so critical because you're going to have kids and their mother or father is not a bad person. sure you're married to them. So if they choose to follow the other person's way, how do you reconcile that because you can't force

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it and talk and say, This is what it does. For me. This is the kind of peace I have this is how comfortable I am. And what I want to do and I ask you to please support me on this. I'm not asking you to join me if you're not comfortable. But I'm asking you to please understand and respect what I want what gives me true happiness. I mean, that's what I think. I saw some questions like what are my social media handles? Well, Instagram, it's marine limoux official, and then YouTube, it's Merriam limoux. Because somebody also asked the question is how do I get to know more about the code of conduct and I've got some videos on that where I go into more detail of it. So that one is on

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YouTube and on Facebook, both just under Merriam lemo. But Instagram is Merriam Lee more official, so they'll make it easy. Thank you