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Parenting Tips – 4 Ways To Positively Influence Your Children and Feel Safe to Open Up

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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How do you want to be remembered by your children? What is the legacy you want to leave behind? Do you want to be known as the parent who is constantly yelling, getting mad? And disciplining? Do you want to be remembered as the parent who never had time too busy too busy cleaning too busy cooking too busy keeping the house perfect? Or do you want to be remembered as the parent who was always at work, never having time to connect? You know, parenting is such a challenging task. But it doesn't have to be so daunting if you just take certain key steps in order to transform your parenting. So I made a call, my name is Khalid banani. And today I want to share with you four tips can that can

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really transform the way you parents, Okay, so first thing, it is about connection, you have to connect with your kids right now, I find that many of the parents complain that their child is always in their room, they're always on their devices, there's no connection, we can't come and go. And there's no time spent together. So when you connect with your kids, regardless of how old they are, when you connect with your child, what ends up happening is that your child's brain formed a neural pathway that will allow her allow her to learn, remember and think, okay, so you want to create this neural pathway, and they will only be receptive, when you have a connection, if there's

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no connection. If you don't know what's going on with your children, if you don't know who their friends are, what their worries are, and any kind of difficulties they are facing, then don't expect to be able to influence them. So first, you have to connect that there is this Harvard study done. And they took a very simple task of putting circular objects in circular shapes. And the same with all different shapes, very simple tasks that any toddler could do. They had adults educated adults doing this, they had a timeframe. And what was different about this experiment is that as the as each individual, as each adult was doing this, they had a person standing on the side and yelling

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out negative things. Okay, saying things like, This is hard. You can't do this. You're lazy or stupid. You can't, you'll never get this. Guess out of the six adults who did this? How many of them were able to complete the task? What do you think? How many do you think were able to complete the simple tasks that toddlers do with this person yakking away with the negativity? Zero, none of them were able to complete the simple task. Now, what does that tell us? That tells us that when we are being negative with our children, when we are commenting, and thinking that we are like using tough love, or we're toughening up our kids, and we're going to tell them hey, you know, stop being lazy

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you need to do to work harder, and we're just berating them, this is not helping, they actually shut down, the brain shuts down when negativity is being spoken. Now, they had the same six adults do the same activity within the same amount of time. But this time, they had an individual standing there and saying positive comments, if you've got this, you are so smart, this is easy, this is a cinch, what happened, every single one of them was able to complete the task. So we need to really become aware of what we are saying to our children, how we're approaching them, making sure that there is a connection and then making sure that what we are telling them is actually opening up their their

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brain that neural pathways are being created so that it will allow them to learn and to connect and and to have this ability to disability to remember inshallah. Now another thing that I find parents fall short on is their listening skills. Okay? Very few people know how to listen. Many times people assume what the other person is going to say. And there's a funny personal story my mom god bless her. She's This isn't a real it's an amazing mom. Very, very attentive, very, very loving. Mashallah Tabata Kala. One of the things she did though, is whenever I wanted to tell her, tell her something, she would guess what I was about to say. So I say yeah, Mom, I went to the mall. Oh, and you ran

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into your tea. I'm like,

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it'll be a lot quicker if you listen and let me see it. And so that was our funny joke is that she would always try to you know, she would be guessing. So don't assume what your child is about to say. And the key is to not react now.

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as a as a counselor, as a life coach, I have trained myself to not be reactive when someone tells me shocking things, right. So I hear all sorts of things all day long. Someone will tell me, you know, yeah, they had a, they had an affair. The other one will say, Yes, I, you know, my husband drinks he, you know, does drugs, all sorts of things. My daughter did this, I have these feelings, whatever it is, right. Now, if I was to show a reaction, how do you think my client would feel? If I was like, Oh, you did? What? Are you kidding me? What were you thinking? What would that do? Immediately, the person would feel judged, they would want to shut down, they feel ashamed. They

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feel Oh, my gosh, what did I do? I you know, I shouldn't have shared, right? And so when I am non judgmental when I'm listening, Okay, tell me. So, what made you do that? Or Alright, you decided to experiment with this drug? What? What made you do that? What was your experience, like, without any kind of judgmental reaction? Then the person relaxes, they feel like, Okay, I'm not being judged. So I'm going to say, you know, I'm going to keep talking. And many times As parents, we overreact when our children tell us things when they are sharing, then what ends up happening is that we our reaction, makes them say, Whoa, I'm never going to share it with mom or dad again. And I actually I

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was doing a workshop, a workshop with the youth here in Dallas, and I asked them, I said, if you were in trouble, how many of you would go to your parents, if something happened to you? Let's say, let's say you're at a party, let's say someone does something to you, let's say you're violated? Who would you go to? How many of you would go to your to your parents? Okay, not one single hand went up. Okay. And I asked, why not? I mean, they're the people who care the most about you, they love you so much. Why wouldn't you go to them, it's like, they would freak out, basically, because they know that their parents would freak out. It would prevent them from reaching out and asking for help

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when they are in danger. So we really have to evaluate our parents, and how are we reacting? Are we reacting in a way that makes them shut down? Right. So I remember one of the things I told my mom, it was in ninth grade, and I said, Mom, I want to be able to share everything with you. So please, don't react in a way that will make me not want to share. And we had a very open relationship, she was my best friend. And when I told her that, so anytime I wanted to, I wanted to share something, she would always have this big smile, like yes. And that would, you know, really make a big difference. And, you know, it was just, it was just nice. There was never anything, anything major

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and hamdulillah. But just the fact that she was not in an angry state or judgmental, it made me open up to her. So much so that the first time I met my husband, the first thing I did, I shared that with my, with my mom. And that was because she created a safe environment for me to talk to her. And I knew she's not gonna freak out, I knew that she, you know, she's gonna have my back, which leads me to the next step, which is smiling. When you smile at your children, it makes such a difference, and very few parents will smile on a regular basis. So you know, the resting face, you know, a lot of people have this, the resting face, that is just very just mean it's mean and it's angry. And

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that's why you see a lot of parents with, you know, these brow lines, because they're just they're always frowning, they're always mad. And if you just look at yourself in the mirror, when you're talking with your kids, when you're directing them when you know you're interacting with them, it's you're not going to leave a positive impact by having that that resting face that is so mean. Okay, so just try smiling. And that was one of the things I loved about my mom at the time. You know, I looked at her she was she was beaming, and she would smile, you know, she had her moments that she would get, you know, upset. But generally, there was that smile. And that's a very welcoming,

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welcoming trait. And the last thing I want to share with you that it's never too late to change. I know that many of you are struggling, whether it's your teenagers, whether it's your toddler, what whatever stage, you're in, just realize that it's never too late to change. Obviously it is best when when you learn the right skills and you apply it at the beginning. It's much easier, right? It's kind of like a person who's eating healthy all their lives. So that's that's great, right, the body is going to respond very differently but if someone has jumped out all

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Their lives and then they want to get, they want to actually get healthy. Well, there's going to be a period of detox, there's going to be like headaches and may be difficult, right? But it's much better to get healthy now than to never get healthy, right? I bring up the healthy because I'm doing the Get Healthy with holla. But that is, I'm so into being healthy right now, that's a lot of my analogies are going to be related about healthy eating. But my point is that, at any point in your life, when you decide to make a change, then it's the best, right? It's much better than not making the change. So I want you to be hopeful, I want you to inshallah, keep your connection with your

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kids and find some time to spend with them and find out what they want to do. You know, a lot of times, we are, you know, bossing our kids around, clean up, wash up, you know, get yourself organized study river on and it's just like a long list of commands, right? I was doing a parenting workshop, and many of the moms are very honest. And they're just like, you know, I'm a drill sergeant at home, that's what I do. I'm just like, I'm on it. I'm shouting, shouting out orders right. Now, do you want to be remembered like that they are tuning you out. If you're doing that they're tuning you out. So try your best Connect, connect, and make sure that you're opening up the

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neural pathways so that they can actually learn, be that positive voice that you know, empowers them, and, and make sure that you listen without judgment or reaction. Just listen, let them talk, let them you know, let them open up. And make sure that you have a beautiful smile to greet your kids. And when you when they see you when you're spending time with them. And when you're around the house, you know, stop with that frowning and the negative, you know expressions and, and then realize that it's never too late to change right now. You can make a decision, make a promise to yourself, make a promise to Allah, that you are going to be different, you are going to change the

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way you're going to treat your kids and see how that works. I mean, I have, I've seen some amazing things happen Mashallah, when I work with, with parents, when I work with families, and I see how transformational it is, when they start making these small changes, and they start actually listening and they start actually connecting, and the monster of a child that they describe, suddenly, you know, can turn into actually a friend so don't lose hope. inshallah keep striving and, and always have that trust that Allah can change the hearts Right, right. And we always make that Yamaha libelle kulu albana Allah de next. So we have to make that offer ourselves, you're all you

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are the bearer of hearts, here to keep us strong on the straight path. Because as a parent, we have to be in a good state in order to be able to affect our children. So I pray that we all can have the wisdom, the patience, the the enthusiasm, and, and all that is needed in order to raise really strong positive kids. And, and I pray that a lot opens up the hearts and minds of our children so that they will be receptive, and that they will be able to, you know, take all the things that we're telling them and to make those changes within themselves. So thank you so much for, for tuning in. For this was the How to, you know, transform your parenting. Tomorrow, I'm going to have a special

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guest who is a cancer survivor on Wednesday. So at the same time 1230 it's the cancer survivor and she survived cancer not doing it the traditional way. She used healthy eating and just amazing it's a phenomenal story. She is a source of inspiration to me and I use her in my lectures all the time very dear friend, so make sure you tune in tomorrow at 1230 and if you haven't subscribed to my YouTube channel, make sure you subscribe I'm doing videos on a daily basis want to be there for you? I know. These are tough times and it's so important to remain optimistic and to remain focus right so I'm here to give you just some small reminders for myself and for all of you and so inshallah we

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can we can meet again tomorrow. Write a comment on what is your takeaway and what what did you learn from this lesson and what are you going to apply Make this your commitment

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To to your parenting. What are you going to apply from this video in sha Allah take care Salaam Alaikum