Premarital chit chat

Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

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This is Maryam Lemo going live with you all, it is so wonderful to always connect with those who have found me worthy of being followed Alhamdulillah it's always a pleasure. So let me see right now it's telling me to hold on. They're telling a whole bunch of people that we alive. So inshallah we'll be having a lot of company and we'll have fun. Today's about freestyling we're just going to answer questions, I'm going to share some things that I think are really, really important for you to know before you get married, so I bet there are lots of singles in the house. All those Single Ladies and gents, please just give me a thumbs up for us and our like.

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Gifted souvenir I see you always there. Yes. All right.

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Excellent. All right. So yes, we have oh my goodness, within seconds. We've got over 143 people already here. Well, I do not like keep keeping people waiting. So we are just going to dive in. Folks, please feel free to ask questions. That's what this is about.

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If you are single, then this one is definitely for you. But I'm sure there'll be married people also who was sneaking in some questions, and I'll do my best Inshallah, to answer them to the best of my abilities. So thank you so much for joining me on Maryam Lemo always a pleasure to connect. This is what I live for. This is what I stand for. My surname Lemo is an acronym that reminds me of where I'm going. The L is for learning that I'm constantly learning constantly growing, constantly evolving, and upgrading hopefully myself to the best of my ability. And then he is for enlightened. And when I learned as much as I can I now share with others who are also on a journey like me. And

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then m is motivate because I believe so much that it's good to have a cheerleader, someone who's rooting for you for your success, pushing you to do your very best in all aspects of your life. And you is uplift my goal is to uplift people, to encourage them to rise up and be the best versions of themselves. So if you're with me on this journey, then inshallah were in the same, we're in the right place, right? So let's see here. I am always messing up right? On Instagram on social media. I am bankrupt of how to use these things. But I am seeing there we go, roomie leaves. Hello, darling, how are you? So let me see some questions. Ma'am. What is the description of an ideal husband? There

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we go.

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Whether you are married or not, I do see It's Miss M. Mo, Ishmael. Alright. What is the description of an ideal husband? What is ideal for you, because what is ideal for someone may not be ideal for you. So what I often ask is, what are your wishes? What are your expectations? What are you looking for, because everybody has different tastes. And because you are so beautifully unique, you are actually the one to see what you want what you're looking for. However, be very careful

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not to have a ridiculous wish list where that person actually doesn't exist. That is such an important thing. Make sure your wish list isn't so heavy with all the nitty gritty details. He's got to be tall, he's got to be fair, he's got to be loaded. He's got to be religious, but not too much. I get a lot of that.

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And then what else I've Gosh, sometimes I just burst into laughter when I see what people have on their wish list. So what is ideal for you? What do you want? You've witnessed the relationship before so what what do you definitely not want because sometimes that's the best way to start setting realistic expectations and kind of like a guideline or a map to get your hopefully your better half insha Allah. What is important, in my opinion, though, is the person has to be God conscious and God fearing. Because if they are God conscious of God fearing then they would want to do everything it takes to make Allah happy with them. And they would not want to offend him and a

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lot of the things that are going wrong today in marriages because Allah is absent, God is missing. God is God is present in the rituals. So yes, they do the five prayers they do the fast and all that however what is missing is the character of a good person, you know the character of what Allah wants from us. So for me Allah first in everything. If you say what is an ideal man, I would say one that is God conscious God fearing

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One that has a lot of emotional intelligence is compassionate, is resourceful. They don't need to be stinking rich, but they need to be good at earning a living Hello income so that they can take care of their, you know, their family, they can take care of themselves and provide for the family and fulfill their obligations to their spouse, and the Amana, which is their children. So I hope that answers that. But I'm sure as we go along, we'll be adding more. So let's see what other questions we have here. All right.

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What to add to get married, let's see what to add to make someone get married to the one to make you get married to the one you love. I don't have formulas for us, I've never been given an I don't share. Number one, I'm not a scholar. So what I just know for sure is that Allah says in the Quran, call on me and I will answer and that's good enough for me. I don't need no middleman or one special concoction, I strongly believe in taking my my fears, my tears, my wishes to Allah and I just leave my mat with the confidence that Allah has accepted my to us. So do your part. First tie your camel, and then pray to Allah,

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You be a good person, and then find the right person in sha Allah using certain guidelines of things to look out for during that period. And there are many, many places when I'm sure you may be wondering, okay, where do I find the right person? Let me tell you one thing, his studies have shown that word of mouth kind of referral,

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arranged marriages where somebody recommends this person for you not forces, you let me emphasize that, that those marriages have a higher rate of success compared to you know, marriages where you just both fall in love and say you're gonna get married. So make sure someone if you're looking you let people know, let your loved ones know, let your friends know, that helped me. I mean, I think I'm ready to get married. And I would like you, if you know somebody who's decent, who has these qualities, I would love to get to know them better. So I would focus, take any dua to Allah and Allah will accept it in sha Allah, make sure your intentions for getting married are right. Let me

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emphasize this.

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A lot of people get married because the under tremendous pressure is especially women get married, sometimes due to pressure from loved ones. You're not getting any younger, all your friends are married or your siblings are married. Look at you be very, very careful rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons. Someone just last week that I was counseling actually said to me that I am dying to get married and I'm going to get married as soon as I finish high school, secondary school and I was like, Girl, be very careful. Why are you eager to get married because I got married right after high school. I got married at 18 Alhamdulillah. I've been married for 30 years. And I keep thinking

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my Lord and asking him to bless my father, for giving me that advice that you are going to get married as soon as you graduate. And so by the time I was in SS one, two years before I graduated, I was actually stopped. I was thinking of marriage. Now one thing I caution this young lady I was counseling was what it first what's the reason and she said I'm dying to leave home. I'm sick and tired of how my father is treating me and her mother is late. And she's just she wants out. So what I told her is be very careful what you wish for you may be going from frying pan to fire. Because you may be thinking the pressures and everything you're going through at home is so bad. But because

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your intention, why you're actually getting married is not the right reason. Because you're actually ready to get married, and you've done your homework, you've got the qualities needed to be a good spouse and a good mother Insha Allah, you may be finding yourself in a worse situation where you will be miserable, where you will be suffering and you will regret making that decision. And by the time you end up saying, You know what, I'm quitting this relationship. I'm divorced, I'm getting a divorce. That's another monster in itself, which you don't want to go through. Not unless you've exhausted all options. So I would say make sure you get married for the right reasons don't allow

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anyone to put pressure on you to get married. Now let me see whether the question how does one deal with anxiety concern concerning marriage? Well, that's a very beautiful question. It is very natural for one to be nervous.

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Some

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People are throwing up before the wedding date gets closer, because of nerves, that uncertainty and of course all the stories. When you hear people talk about marriages today, it freaks one out and you're like, I pray, I'm not going to be one of the statistics. So what I would advise is, number one, make sure you've done your istikhara make sure you have asked Allah to guide you in selecting the right spouse. And if you don't know how to do is to her if you've not already done it quickly go online is the Hara is readily available, I would advise to istikhara because if Insha Allah, this is a blessed marriage, you will find more, more peace, more confidence in what you're going through.

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And then of course, intensify your eye your circle your fast and Insha Allah, Allah will put his stamp of approval in that. Then when you mentioned anxiety, I pray it's not because you have seen something that is making you nervous, because I want to emphasize if you see anything that makes you uncomfortable, do not ignore warning signs. That is Allah speaking to you that is Allah accepting your DUA and do not make the mistake of just going in because the date has been set. The wedding invitation has been the you know, you've got the wedding gowns on please to God do not literally even if it is a day before that, nigga it's not too late, it is painful, it is going to disrupt the

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family, it will cause a lot of embarrassment. It may cost some relationships with you and your loved ones. But I keep emphasizing it's not about them. As long as with confidence, you know that this thing isn't going to be good for you, then make sure you walk away, make sure you cut it off. Because if you go ahead with it, you will most likely be going through a lot of pain and anguish. And you will make others get involved in this battle which is not healthy. So if you're anxious, because like the anticipation, the nerves that's healthy, just intensify your to us, do your set a car faster, and so on. But if you're anxious because you've seen warning signs, pull your brakes.

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Yes, I have a premarital course that I've created and it's available on my website, go to Meriam limu.com. In there, I talk about the warning signs, and when you should walk away or run for dear life. And I highly recommend if you're yet to get married. And even if you have been married a day or a week, it's never too late to take it. I've got couples who have been married for 16 years who have enrolled in the course because they said they've been dis satisfied with the relationship and they wanted to start from ground zero up to see what they've missed. So I pray your anxiety isn't because of warning signs. Maybe you've seen a hot temper, maybe this person has snapped at you.

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Maybe there is some lies you've caught them telling maybe there is some infidelity. Yeah. Be careful. Be very, very careful. Because if it's okay, during the premarital stage when they are supposed to be on their best behavior, all these things are not supposed to show, you know, be very cautious going forward with things that are actually sending alarm bells where your gut instinct is telling you something isn't right. Go down that road and make sure you don't ignore them. Otherwise, you're going to you're going to live to regret it. I hate to say that let me answer some more questions. How do you know when you found the right person?

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Again, in my premarital course I've got a checklist, a whole list of things that you should tick off to know this has been addressed. And I have not seen anything. So let's go back to those alarm bells that are warning signs that are telling me to pull my brakes or walk away.

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Addictions. Yes, there's somebody I counseled not long ago, who said the person she was going to marry the person she was going to get married to was smoking. And they told her that they were quitting because of her. And so she should be patient with them. And she said she hated the smell of cigarettes. And she hated when he was around her that smell but she loved him so much. Unfortunately, she accepted his word for it. And he continued smoking afterwards. And then unfortunately, because he didn't cut off with the friends that were also, you know, his circle of friends that were okay with that kind of behavior. They influenced him into escalating it to smoking

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weed. And then before you know it, he was taking cocktails of pills, which, you know, made him so high he came home sometimes and actually hit her and she called absolutely confused as to what

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to do, and Alhamdulillah I happen to know her siblings, and I was able to reach out to the one of them who involved some of their senior relatives because their parents were no longer alive. And they were able to take her out of that dangerous situation with her child. And he has made all sorts of promises, but the condition now is unless he's gone through rehab, and it's completely clean shaven coming back. So just to answer your question, how will you know when you found the right person first, when you are the right person? I emphasize this because Mr. or Mrs. Right there, Mr. Right, or miss right? are looking for Mr. or Miss, right? So you better be right. So you need to

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first of all, be the right person. And once you know that, you know what I'm self aware, I'm I've got a lot of emotional intelligence, I've learned certain skills that are needed for success in marriage, such as effective communication, which include effective listening and effective speaking, I say that in my course, so much, because I went into marriage, not good at effective speaking. And I was the most hopeless listener like known to men. Unfortunately, it caused a lot of fights and a lot of pain. I betrayed my husband when I was angry, because I use things he told me in confidence against him. And I went for blood, I was I just didn't know how to fight. So I brought out all my

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big guns, and I went for blood. So it costs a lot to the marriage, it affected the marriage in such a negative way. It took me years to reestablish trust in with my husband, for him to confide in me since anytime he tells me something I was like, you know, your mother was right when she said, because, you know, I was really bad. So I emphasize these skills that you need. And then how will you know when you found the right person is when you go through your checklist, and I highly encourage you to take the course, it's there on my website, Marine lynda.com. Because I give you access to things that are so important to talk about, talk about their emotional intelligence, you

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know, observe them closely, see what makes them tick, discuss how you will handle conflict, and then make sure you've dealt with your excess baggage. But make sure they've also dealt with the excess baggage. One of the worst things a lot of couples do not realize is when they get married, if they haven't dealt with either childhood trauma, or things they witnessed as children that were not pleasant, either what they went through or what they saw in their parents, it can manifest itself in a very negative way in the relationship. So I highly, highly, highly encourage you to make sure that you discuss is there anything that has happened in your childhood that causes you pain, that you're

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uncomfortable about other things you witnessed that you didn't like that, you know, you want to talk about so that you start to get used to having these discussions. The more you find so much secrecy, you find those walls going up these no go areas, the more you should slow down, because if this is something that's important to you, then you want to make sure that they are comfortable talking with you during the pre matter, marital stage. So talk about these things beforehand, and a whole lot more inshallah. Because of time, obviously, I can't go through the whole list. But like I said, make sure you're getting married for the right reasons. Make sure you've dealt with your baggage and he's

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comfortable talking about is, make sure your waste wish list is realistic. Make sure you know what you want, and what you definitely don't want so that when you see it, you immediately are able to recognize and take action. You get married? How will you know when you found the right person when you've investigated them? Investigate? Yes.

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Become a detective, you need to ask questions from others who know this person, how they are in different social settings, how they are with their colleagues, how they are with their friends. You know, how is their family background? How do the parents relate with each other? Many people replicate what they saw in their home how their parents communicated. And because you and your husband or you and your wife to be come from totally different backgrounds, you're going to bring your own, you know, your background, your story into this relationship. So it's important. These are things you talk about beforehand and observe and ask people to help you this is where your loved

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ones come in and play a big role. So I hope that has helped you a little bit. And how do you know when you've known the right but when you found the right person to your istikhara girl or gentleman

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whoever is watching to your is the harder it is so important do it with an open mind Don't be so head over heels in love that you're like

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yeah Allah helped me select this person or if they are good for me and my affairs yeah Allah please show me a sign put them in my heart or put me in their heart and it they're no good for me take them out of my heart but yeah Allah you know this is the right person for me right so don't do one funky kind of istikhara do it with an open mind and trust in Allah to help you in you know choosing the right spouse in sha Allah. Alright let's see

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if you do love someone but already expressed to him, but he hasn't yet and you are unsure if he is the one

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who will you judge? I'm taking it the question you are asking is

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you are interested, you've expressed but this person does not seem to be giving you the right signals, you know, feeling the vibe, so to speak. What I would say is slow down. Don't rush it Allah's time is the best. What is meant for you will never ever miss you, no matter what happens, it's not going to miss you. So come down, don't be so desperate. Each time you show desperation, you could be turning this person away, you could be pushing them away because you seem too eager. So be confident in yourself. Don't be Desperado, if you know what I mean. And continue to supplicate if they are the right person. You want to make sure the person you want to marry once you you don't

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want to be the one who really wants them. And they're really like, oh, well, I'll manage you. So be very careful with that. All right. Oh, do I see you girl, love and do as to you, which do others one have to do? Okay? If the person he loves is already engaged, please let them go. What's meant for you will never miss you. If that person is meant for you, you will have them. But do not go into making any special to us. And I pray you don't leave your faith by going to one special Muslim or Juju stuff into someone claiming they can make them fall in love with you. Again, it is a natural, it is an Islamic don't make that mistake. You're going to offend Allah seriously, your prayers are

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not going to be answered. Like there are lots of things. It's excess baggage. You don't want.

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Alright, here we go. She's 100%. Right? A guy can do his five prayers. Okay, cool.

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What do you think about giving a list of conditions from the men's side before marriage? And what if the men don't even fulfill some of those conditions themselves? Okay. This is where you're talking with each other is so important. Let me read the question again and make sure I understand what do you think about giving a list of conditions. So the person who wants to marry you, the man who wants to marry you has given you a list of conditions things they want from you, or wants you to do before marriage? And what if that person is not even fulfilling those things themselves? Then you need to slow down. You need to slow down. Don't make the mistake of marrying someone who do as I say but not

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whether or not as I do, that's not the right person for you. So if I were you and thank God you've seen the sign early, just know Allah has accepted your door and walk away. Trust me on this. Honestly, if you've already seen they're not doing it themselves, then definitely, definitely there's going to be a serious problem. Alright, I see audio again. Please help record and save this on your page. Subhanallah What am I doing wrong? I take it I'm gonna be able to save it at the end. I pray I'm not messing up. So let me continue. I'm a bumbling idiot on social media most of the time I don't know what I'm doing so I pray to God this gets saved. Alright, thank you or any regular to

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for getting married. I've shared that. No audio from my end. I think people are hearing me so I will continue Salaam and getting married soon. Need to ask please. Just trust in Allah. Tell Allah what you want. And just accept that he has accepted your two he says colony and I will answer that is sufficient for you. Honestly, I've never been given special to ask for marriage and I've never shared because I'm not a scholar. But I've been so grateful to Allah that the confidence of asking him and knowing that he has accepted is sufficient for me. Alhamdulillah and I feel my marriage has been blessed for 30 years. I'm married to my best friend, my buddy my boyfriend for life.

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Alhamdulillah he is been like such a role model in my life a role model to our children. So I couldn't ask for anything more and my simple to us. There is no middleman. It's just direct connection. Alhamdulillah So trust in Allah. You don't need anything bigger than

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that, then my dad always said, a duetica as me so make dua do your sadaqa first and please your parents, get your parents, you know, make sure you you do things, things to please your parents make them happy, make them comfortable. And to me that's sufficient a formula for success in life in all aspects. Alhamdulillah. Alright, how do we find the right person? have answered this before, be the right person. And then speak to people who know you well, and ask them ideally, but people are using unconventional methods today and they are working I know some good very dear friends who have found their partner to be insha Allah on websites that do matchmaking I think the most popular is most

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match. But there is there are so many others, I actually have a list the links on my premarital course at Merriam limu.com, where you can click on the link and it takes you directly to those various sites. But a disclaimer going with all the senses you will use if you are facing somebody and courting them. If it's, you know, somebody's life, not virtual. But alhamdulillah. A lot of these websites use halau and Islamic compliant ways of courting the right way so that you don't ever cross the line and offend Allah in your courtship. And then you don't get his stamp on approval before you've even gotten married. So that's what I will say my marriage took place like that, and

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hamdulillah Okay, excellent. Let's see what other questions we've got. I'm 26 I want to get married. But my family is not being religious. I can't talk about your family, I can only talk about you. So you do your own. Your relationship is with your maker, Allah is going to not going to hold you accountable for your loved ones relationship with Him, He is going to hold you accountable for your relationship with him. So tell yourself it's got nothing to do with anything. Just intensify your prayers, your to us, and ask Him to guide you in selecting the right person. And may Allah make it possible that Allah guide you in finding the right spouse that you will each complement each other

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with and live happily in peace and tranquility.

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How can I

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please how can I keep my husband to myself after marriage? I don't know if there is a black and white formula written in stone. Let me be very honest with you. But one thing I know is every human being values being appreciated, being respected, being spoken to kind kindly even Rasulullah sallallahu sallam said that the heart has been created in a way that it loves those who show kindness towards it and dislike those who cause it pain. So if you both are intentional as a couple, before you marry, make sure you're both getting married for the right reason. Make sure you share your expectations of how you see your marriage becoming not like your parents, but what the two of

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you will complement and put together and build together. You know, then, to keep your husband, I would advise you as a woman, take good care of yourself like me. I look at food I feel and I get fat. I have a battle with food because I love food. So I'm constantly doing my best even this morning at 715. My husband and I went out and we played real tough tennis. And yeah, Alhamdulillah we try he's so supportive, and encourages me and does things with me because we've been able to build a real partnership. And so all the aspects of our lives, we try to do them together as much as possible, whether it's our intellectual growth, our spiritual growth, growth, our physical growth,

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growth in the area of service to humanity, we're on the same page Alhamdulillah because we are we have our eye on the target. So for you, I pray you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to the destination, you know what you want. And then you are both intentional. What I love is my husband also comes home takes a shower as well when he comes back from work, you know, freshens himself up for me. So it's not just me doing all the work. He also wants me to find him attractive. And then, you know, ask your spouse, what do they like? What don't they like? For me? I asked him regularly, you know, how can I make you happier? What am I doing that you don't like? So that I can

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work on it? And then what am I doing that you like so I could continue? And then what new things are we not doing at all that you want us to start because this keeps the relationship fresh. Boredom is a recipe for disaster in any relationship. So be very, very careful.

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It's dangerous to allow

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your relationship to get stagnant and monotonous. So always try and be inject spice, inject variety do things together that are different Don't be so stuck in a routine have some routines, you know, like the time you sit together and just relax, chat or do nothing really important, but you're together in the same room. Our kids grew up seeing their dad and I always in the same room relaxing whether we're watching TV or working, were together in the same room. So anytime they see a separated, I'm somewhere else in the house, they're gonna think like something is wrong, and they actually come and challenge me and say, Are you fighting I was like, no fighting, and so on. But try

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and make sure you keep yourself fresh. And when I say fresh, I mean clean, fresh, and be adventurous, be adventurous in the bedroom. Because intimacy is a very, very important part of marriage, especially for the men. So try and make sure you're constantly doing research asking, there are many people who teach and share tips on intimacy and how to keep the sparks flying in the relationship. So try and be adventurous and then ask your spouse what are their fantasies? What would they like you to bring to life and so on. So try and look sexy, be sexy flirt with your spouse 30 years down the line. I still flirt with my husband and he loves it and he knows and he does with

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me as well. Aussies cleaned himself up combed and he the way he looks at me it's like you know one dreamy look. And I was like, Oh, he's mine.

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Okay,

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let me see. Okay, help me get married to your son. When you will make a mother

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oh my goodness, which of my son's I got to

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but you will have to pick a number because I got a long waiting list for that one. Mashallah. We are like round to your daughter, beautiful husband inshallah at the right time. Okay, here we go. Let's see.

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Salaam salaams, please, uh, please, how important is social compatibility in the relationship?

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I, it's interesting. My husband and I like night and day when it comes to social compatibility. He's more of a homebody. And I love going out. I love being amongst people, though. I love my private time. I love my home time. But I'm somebody who is more outgoing. Even when I'm in the house, I prefer to go outside and sit in my garden, then just sit in the house. So this issue to do with social compatibility, I think, sometimes be careful what you're reading, because some people will bring in some phrases that are important that all of a sudden make you start wondering, you know, am I missing something? Maybe we're not socially compatible. That's why we're not getting along, and so

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on. That's definitely not it. My husband and I get along very well and Hamdulillah. And this issue to do with being social, sometimes I would say Come let's go out together. And he does other times. He says, No, I don't feel like it. But you go ahead, and I do so you know, I wouldn't put too much weight or emphasis on that. How do you know if he's a man of God? Or if he's God fearing? Okay. To be very honest with you? That's a tough question. However, observe them when it's time for prayers. I think that's one. Not that this, the rituals are a clue. But how they speak, you know, how they conduct themselves, how they talk to others, what kind of things they like to talk about? Do they

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encourage you to remember your maker to get closer to your maker? Do they share tips on maybe some posts they've seen, or some lectures they've seen, that they'd like to share with you? Sometimes these are clues, and then talk about it, get to know their knowledge of the dean, let me emphasize this to anybody who's not yet married, it doesn't matter. In fact, even if you're married, make sure you both discuss your rights and obligations to one another. Most people are totally ignorant of what that is. I've spoken to couples who have been married for 40 something years and they don't know their rights and obligations. But guess what, Allah is gonna ask you each whether you fulfilled

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your obligations to each other. So the best part is during the courtship period, talk about this because these rules are not just what you want. It's what Allah wants. And it's what Allah is going to ask us about. So make sure you talk about this, I gotta take a sip of water.

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Alright, so I think that's it and just talk you can never talk enough during courtship because that's the safe period where you can discuss things. How do I know when I found the right spouse? I think I've covered this before so if you missed it

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then watch the replay insha Allah it will be on my page on the IG TV, I'm ready to marry someone all with a with a sad face. May Allah guide you to select the right person and don't rush don't put pressure on yourself. Don't end up hurting yourself and don't put your life on hold, waiting for Mr. Right or miss right to come. Take your time, relax, continue to grow, continue to evolve, be single and hopeful as my dear friend used to say, and

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make sure you don't wait till you get married to do things that really make you happy, live, continue to live and that person that's meant for you insha Allah will find you living and that's what they will find attractive. And hopefully you'll be able to find your life partner that way.

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Okay, let me see here.

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Please, can you save this live stream in sha Allah Salam aleikum? Does he really have to be crazy about me? No, but you want to make sure he he wants to marry you. And you're not the one who really, really wants to marry him. And, you know, let it be healthy. Let it be mutual from the very beginning. And then make sure while you're talking, you both know that we both want each other, not that one really wants the other and is more desperate, because sometimes that brings a bit of disrespect. And that Desperation can sometimes turn the other person off, they may get tired of it after a while. So I just want to say don't be the one who is crazily in love, while they are not

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responding with the same kind of passion and love for you, attraction for you. All right.

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What if the man has good qualities and all, but then you are not physically attracted to them? Okay. Of course, as Muslims, we are told to go for piety first, you know, the good character, because that one doesn't fade. I remember when I was courting my husband, my father warned me he said, If I'm looking for something shiny, it will fade. And if I think I'm shining, I will fade and I have faded a lot from the 18 year old that my husband married. My goodness, I was going through some old pictures recently. And I was like, Whoa, where are you?

00:37:28--> 00:38:18

At just catching up with you. However, when I look at my husband, and how he looks at me how he still tells me sweet nothings, it gives me, you know, encouragement, the good thing is I never let myself go, I just really try hard, and work my butt off and keep myself fit. However, if you're not attracted to that person, you don't find them. I mean, because you're going to be sleeping next to this person. Attraction is important as well. You do need to actually know that. Sometimes a beautiful character, let me emphasize this can actually make you see someone as a beautiful person. And everything is subjective to your own tastes, because what you may look at and say I don't find

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it attractive, somebody would look up and like, Whoa, this is a Hunka chunka. Bernie love. So I think you need to see the person and the beauty in their character, and the qualities, their piety, their God fearing qualities, and so on first. And if, after all, that you are still not finding it as an endearing quality that you believe you know what? I will fall in love with this person. And you know, we'll live happily ever after, then make sure you just do a lot of heavy duty is to hire for Allah to guide you because he knows best. I'm not one to say walk away because of that. Because I don't think that's going to be the right advice I will give you. I just know Yes, it's good to be

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attracted to the person but I've seen situations where the attraction grows because of the beauty of that person's character. So and you've seen people who have married somebody who's been burnt from fire, and you wonder like, Okay, what did they fall in love with? Again, it is the character, the beautiful soul that they married, you know, that they fell in love with. And then

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like my dad says, One day it's all gonna fade and I watched my parents. They were married for 50 years before Allah called my mother home. And for 50 years I would see my father gaze into my mother's eyes and he still saw the beautiful soul he fell in love with. Not the wrinkles and what one would see an old woman and her memory faded and so on, but my dad never, ever

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so that he was in denial about that part. He was just so in love with her beautiful soul that it went beyond the exterior. So I think that's all I will say with regard to that. What do you do when you are ready to get married, but your family is not in support claiming you are too young for marriage? Sometimes your family doesn't know you better than

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you think you know yourself. And I would advise you listen to them and try and get down to what exactly they mean by you are too young to get married. I got married at 18. But my father saw certain things in me that he was deeply concerned about. If you see my pictures at 18 I swear you think I was like 28

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I my son I sent him some of those old pictures of mine and mine and I told him this was me at 17 Just before I married Baba, but we were courting at the time. And he's like, Mama, you look like a woman. Like I know.

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But I would say pray over this do istikhara because I you hear me advocating is the Hara. This was like my dad, I think was the champion advocate of istikhara. Because it's always good to ask Allah to guide you in making the right decisions. But your loved ones love you. And Insha Allah, they mean the best for you. So it's important to respect what they want, however, also get to understand why they feel you're too young. I know for me, because we run schools. And I've got teenagers that I get to see we have about 450 teenagers that I see each and every day. And I know that this generation I call them the intermediate ERATION are so immature. They're not thinking big there, unfortunately.

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And I know social media has affected so many of them because there are so many important lingos and imported cultures that they've imbibed. And this there's so much fufu in them that they're lacking substance they're lacking depth, so I don't know you my darling, let me see your name so

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Islamia, Tally. Okay. You know, I can't see who you are. I don't know you. But I think if your parents who know you so well feel you're too young now. Then continue to grow. Continue to develop more wisdom by reading more and learning more and developing skills as well that will help them see and be feel more confident that you have matured, and you are ready for marriage. I think that's the best advice I will give you right now. I hope that's okay. All right, here we go.

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Okay, excellent. Somebody said Omar Suleiman has an excellent video on istikhara. And I know it's my own Mufti Menk, as well. So please check out Imam Omar Suleiman and MultiMax YouTube channel somewhere that if you Google it, if you do a search, you should be able to find it. Alright, I was planning on doing an account next month. But because I felt something was off, I ended things. It's been very hard. But I remind myself that if it happened for a reason, and Allah has a better plan for me, may Allah bless you absolutely. 110% I'm so glad you took that decision and Insha Allah, Allah will crown, your efforts, your prayers, with something so much better for you for with that

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person that he created just for you. So I'm so glad to hear that. And this is a warning going to everybody else. This is a warning going to everybody else Don't settle. When you've seen warning signs, you have to be very, very careful how to know a divorced person if he proposes. I would see ask them you know, have you been in previous relationships? Have you been married before? This is part of those questions you asked during the courtship period. Because it matters to you. It's important to us so I like I shared before I've got a premarital course with a gazillion questions and checklists of things you need to ask and things you need to do before you get married. Just

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visit my website Merriam lynda.com. And I got you covered there insha Allah and let's see a Salam Alaikum please, how can I join your premarital courses? Okay, yeah, just go to Marian limbo.com. As soon as you go to that page, you'll see a short trailer video you'll see an interview I did with this male Mufti Menk about the course where he is fully endorsing the course and encouraging with intending couples and married couples to take the course in sha Allah so we'd be beneficial knowledge for you. I prayed for that inshallah. Can I like someone for even if it if the person doesn't even

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Know me? Yeah, there is infatuation

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where you are infatuated with someone they don't know you. But yeah, you are allowed to like anybody you want. But the most important thing we're talking about is the person you want to get married to. And definitely you don't want to get married to somebody who doesn't know you. They will be in for surprises. And if you're not careful, you will be in for surprises as well. May Allah guide you in the best manner, please, how do I politely tell my parents that I am not ready for marriage now? Oh, very good question.

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intensify your to us.

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Do your istikhara.

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And then speak to them, if speaking to them doesn't work right to them. If that doesn't work, speak to the people they respect the most. It could be an uncle or an aunt. It could be a community leader may be an Imam, that you know they are close to somebody that you know they respect. It may they may be offended that you involve outsiders, but do not get married. If you're not ready to be married. Often it leads to pain and anguish. And in Islam, you're not allowed to be forced into marriage. So remember that as well. So make sure you do everything in your power to communicate to them. And don't sever the relationship. Continue to be respectful. Don't hold grudges, don't give them

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attitudes. Maintain a very healthy relationship, but make sure you find a way to express and explain why you're not ready to get married. Alright. Okay, here we go. Where can I find a wife with a dean in her heart? I've already talked about where to find the wife. But with regard to the dean in her heart, sometimes maybe find organizations that are already

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related to things you like, let's say certain Islamic organizations or groups out there that you can join, because some of their members are single, and some of them have matchmaking services. So you may be able to find you have common interests there. Is it bad to marry a Christian girl? Very good question. I need water for this one. Hang on there.

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Okay.

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In Islam, you're married, you're allowed to marry the Christian girl

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and a Jewish girl. But a Christian Muslim girl cannot marry a Christian man. Let me emphasize that. Now we're talking about a Christian girl here. Why it is discouraged is because

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often you find especially when you have children. First, you can't force her to become a Muslim. There's no compulsion in religion. So let me make sure I emphasize that. And then when you start having children, if Allah blesses your marriage with children, you find that naturally the kids are often closer to their mother. And if the mother is someone who goes to church and you did not want that then you could have you could explain it beforehand and discuss it beforehand. However, sometimes you don't have full control over that and then one day you're going to be dead and gone for all you know, and then they will go to whatever religion their mother is, so if it's important

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enough for you, then make sure you do is the hara pray over it and think wisely before making a decision like that. So yeah, that's what I would say about that. Okay, here we go. Let's go for more questions. Which Do do you do if the person you love is already engaged? I think I've answered that before let them go.

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Let's see. Do I is there four is the hara that takes you to the right side. Okay. Yeah, we've done is to Hara. Okay, my boyfriend is ready for marriage. And I'm not. How do I go about it? Okay, first,

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let me emphasize something. Please don't call them your boyfriend. I love to see. You know, my fiancee or the person I'm courting. But boyfriend is a bit flighty. I think it doesn't sound too serious. If it's a boyfriend. It sounds like something you do when you're still in high school. If this person is meant for you, they will wait for you if you're not yet ready to get married. So don't put too much pressure. Don't give into pressure either. Last time is the best and it's best when you know you are ready. And you've checked off all those things I talked about that I share with you in the premarital course. So I would say definitely tell them in a tactful way, polite way,

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but make sure the merits of the message gets across that I am not ready

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All right. What is more important between the other family's background or the man's behavior and his Deen to be more concerned to be more considered? Okay, I think I'm getting it, which one is more important, his family background or his Eman, his behavior, his conduct. First I would say his behavior that he is the right person, however, do not disregard His background because his background shaped him. And his background is most likely what he's going to bring in your relationship. So his background, his his culture, his family culture is what he's going to bring, just like you're going to bring yours or be expecting us to feature somewhere. So the premarital

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stage is so critical because you get to talk about this. It's so important, because you get to talk about this. Tell me about your parents relationship. How was it? You know, and what are your expectations of how our relationship will be discuss everything, discussed the chores? You know, discuss cooking, discuss your allowance, yes, under Sharia, you're entitled to a lot allowance if you're a woman. And yes, if it's a man watching, you have to give your wife an allowance for her to do whatever she wants with it, not for food, not for the kids, not for upkeep of the house. But it's something that I have. Actually, if you go on my website, as soon as we're done Marian limu.com, you

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will see rights and obligations of couples in Islam pop up, and it's free. It's a free printable. So just download the PDF and you can print it or at least have it on your device. So you have it as a reference and you get to know these things and practically memorize them. But it gives you something to talk about with your spouse to be and make sure you're both comfortable with that. Alright, let me see what else what happens when you keep doing it. See her over and over. You have a sense of peace with the person you feel that God is strongly guiding your heart but then you have you had some issues while trying to proceed.

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Yes, everything may seem okay. But when you have issues, I would say just pull your brakes because to me that Allah is still talking to you. Everything may seem okay. But as soon as you see a sign that is making you uncomfortable. Hold on, there is no rush. It's the rest of your life we're talking about. You don't want to rush into something that could be the rest of your life of misery, anguish, pain and suffering. So do not do not ignore that thing that suddenly appears those issues that suddenly appear. Alright.

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Best way to get to know each other. Ask questions. As I said on my premarital course, I've got a ton of questions that you should ask each other. And I, in fact, I encourage couples to be to both take the course. Because in there I have questions you will ask the person you're courting. And they will ask you, you have to share things with them. So you're both on the same page from the onset. This is so critical. Alhamdulillah actually, this is becoming more and more popular. Now people are gifting the course to intending couples and I promise you, it's the best wedding present you could ever give them. It's the best gift you can give yourself because I believe it will help you go in with the

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right tools with the right skills necessary to navigate the obstacles in marriage. And trust me there are plenty, but hopefully equip you with the skills and the tools to make your marriage not only work but thrive in sha Allah, and I share the good, the bad and the ugly truth. I do not hold anything back when I created that course it took me almost two years. What I had in mind is if I'm not alive, to give my boys the premarital counseling that there's nothing I've left and addressed. So it's that comprehensive. I couldn't squeeze anything more out of myself if I even tried. So I highly, highly encourage you to take it.

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Alright, let's see. What else do we have as questions? How long have I been doing this? Okay, I'll be stopping in about five minutes.

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So he said We understand you very well, not Desperado. Absolutely. Don't be desperate. Don't be clingy. And don't allow someone who's very clingy with you very possessive. Knew that's a warning sign. Yeah. What if you tell yourself no one is perfect if he's not checking all the things? Yeah, of course, no one is perfect. I am so far from perfect, that I call myself a work in progress. And my husband is so far from perfect, but we have built the perfect relationship for us. So when you say no one is perfect. Do not ignore things like drugs, like certain bad habits.

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issues to do with their prayers and their faith. When you marry somebody who doesn't take these things seriously, it's trouble waiting to happen. So don't say to yourself, oh, there are no perfect I can manage them or we can work things out afterwards. Nobody is a work in progress of you saying I will fix them afterwards. Do not say this to yourself. Absolutely. It's healthy to say nobody's perfect, but don't compromise on the most important things. That's what I want to emphasize. And what are the most important things? Are those things that I tell you I share even in the course, you know, have your wish list? What do you want? And what do you definitely not want, because once

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you've identified that, it makes it so much easier, you have a guide, you have a template to guide you. And it's not set in stone, because there are some things that some people will write, but they are willing to compromise a little on, let me give you an example. I have a topic in my premarital course. You know, when it talks about body odor, and maybe a skin infection, these are things that you could look at someone and say, oh, you know, can I really live with this, I'll be lying down next to this person, however it can be addressed. So you talk about it beforehand. It's awkward, it's embarrassing, there will probably be very embarrassed. But if it's that important, you know,

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you can fix that kind of thing. But when it's a true character floor, and addiction,

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you know, real serious anger management issues where you see how they treat people, they talk in a condescending way. They treat people badly, they insult, they're always talking down to people, they're very negative. These are things you better make sure you address till you're satisfied that I can live with this. If they never change, I'm okay with it for the rest of my life, like till death do us part this is okay. So those are the kinds of things that I say, don't mess with don't even dare say, Oh, they are not perfect. And you ignore the fact that you know, they smelled of alcohol when they were with you or this. They were behaving in an irrational way, you know? So be

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very careful about that. All right, let's see.

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What do I have for single older women, single and hopefully I call it because Allah's time is the best, don't despair, if you had rushed to get married, and I'm sure you've had a lot of friends that have gotten married, and maybe relatives who are miserable, who are probably even out of that marriage, and you were envying them when they got married, say Alhamdulillah that you didn't rush that you didn't settle that you didn't give in to pressure and just continue to pray continue to develop yourself. Continue to make yourself attractive and what I mean attractive in addition to taking care of yourself physically, take care of your knifes take care of your your soul, purify

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your heart, and continue to grow in all aspects of your life. And I promise you in sha Allah Insha Allah, the right person will come for you. However, if they don't come, then that is Allah's trial for you. And there's a reason why he puts us under this these tests and insha Allah you will pass his test may Allah give you what is best for you. Because sometimes we think something is what we want what we feel is good for us. On the contrary, they may actually not be good for us. And you may be able to serve people better, not being in a relationship. I'm not saying that is your that's your lot in life, but I just don't want you to despair or feel like a failure. You so Are not you are a

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gift from Allah and you are not a loser. You are not a lost cause. Don't see this, anything wrong with you. But be self aware. Check yourself and make sure you've worked on your weaknesses on your bad habits. And you continue to build on your assets on your qualities and make yourself an asset. May Allah bless you. May Allah be with you in sha Allah. All right.

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Okay, the Desperado part got me laughing or

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sometimes when we get a lot of proposal, it makes us confused and difficult to decide how will I know you are losing good? How will you know? You're not losing good candidates. That's why I'm such an istikhara you know, person because I prefer Allah to guide me through navigating that whole selection process. And I'm not here just to sell you my course though. I really believe it will help you. But honestly, those questions and those things to look out for will help you eliminate a lot of those candidates because you will say Oh yeah.

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Next and you get to have a

01:00:00--> 01:00:41

Better criteria for selecting the right spouse. So yeah, I think that's what I would say to you, you know, don't see it like I'm losing the good candidates. If you have the right formula for selecting the right person, insha Allah, that will not be your reality. All right, what do you think about making monogamy as a condition for marriage? Well, it's a choice. It's a preference. Polygamy is a pressure preference. polygyny is a preference. monogamy is a preference, but it's something you both have to discuss ahead of time. Do not not address it and wait till you're married. And then your spouse says they're going to get married to someone else. And you are like freaking out? No, no,

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it's amongst the things I cover in my premarital course that you must talk about beforehand. under Sharia, you can actually have a contract where your spouse says they are not going to go into monogamy and it will be on the day of the Nikka. All these things are going to be sealed in the presence of witnesses. However,

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I know. And I advise those who have been able to get that from their spouse, never to take it as an excuse or a reason to do as they please Why because it is me I'm the one and only be very careful with that. Don't take it for granted. I mean, I always say don't take your marriage for granted. Don't take your spouse for granted. Don't take the relationship for granted. Do not relax it, you still have to double up you still have to work as hard. As if there's a possibility they may marry someone else to make yourself attractive. There is a strong possibility that in your bad behavior, you chase them out, God forbid and they find, okay, I'm not going to get married to someone else.

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But I'm going to engage in extramarital affairs. God help you. So don't be the reason why your spouse regrets going into such an agreement. Don't be the reason why your spouse is pushed to go and offend Allah. I mean, that's between them and their maker and they're going to be called call to account for it. However, don't repel them. Yeah, don't be the reason. Take care of yourself. Look good for them look sexy for them smell good for them, and then have a beautiful character that smells even the sweeter than anything else. That's what I would advise for you to do.

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Okay, I think I have reached my time up. Nine o'clock. So oh my gosh, I love you guys so much. I can't believe you stayed. I've got like well over 300 people that stayed with us throughout this. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm sure I have a lot, a lot, a lot of other questions.

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But don't be scared. Yes, I see. Somebody said don't be scared. Don't be scared insha Allah. If you want to go in to marriage, or into a relationship more confident with more conviction, then definitely I would highly encourage you to take my premarital masterclass, you can speak to someone to sponsor you to take the course. Because it's going to be the best investment you're going to make in yourself and I share is the hara there as well. I've got the whole formula Alhamdulillah and so much more. I share with you dealing with excess baggage because that is such a sensitive issue, difficult to address difficult for you to face as well. But it's really important. Then I talk about

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addictions as well in their addictions to pornography, masturbation, and guess what? Addiction to devices because today many people are addicted to social media, even you ask yourself is that the first thing I look at when I wake up before I go and pray to my Lord? Is that the first thing I look at to check my messages before I greet my loved ones. I mean, most of us are addicted. We're watching TV, we're on our devices and you don't realize it's an addiction. You hear an alert, you hear a notification that a message came through and you're so eager to go and look at it and see who sent you a message. You could be praying you're thinking about you got a problem. And to me that one

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is what is destroying relationships today. So I go through unpacking the process of how to identify and then hopefully deal with all these addictions and a whole lot more. May Allah bless you. Thank you for your time. Just Akuma Lau Hiren It's a pleasure. I'll try and come out more often so that we can answer the whole slew of other questions that many people had. May Allah bless you Salaam Alaikum and over and out from me