Breaking the Silence Revitalizing Intimacy and Overcoming Monotony
Channel: Maryam Lemu
File Size: 11.78MB
Episode Transcript ©
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I want to
dive right into bringing it into regular conversations. A lot of us are mentally bankrupt when it comes to knowledge of this because people don't talk about it. And that's why I felt, let's start for the next month in sha Allah, I want us to have discussions with different people. And let me first give a disclaimer, please, if you have little children in the room, or kids that are not age appropriate, they shouldn't be listening to such things, I would advise you please ask them to leave the room right now find somebody dumped them with somebody.
Because we are going to get a bit maybe X rated and I cannot guarantee that how this discussion will go. And so because of that it you find people get married. And unfortunately, they go in absolutely, with no knowledge about what to do, how to navigate how to spice up that area, especially in the bedroom. And intimacy eventually starts to become boring. After a while in a lot of relationships. They become stagnant, you find couples complaining that, you know, it's just like a chore. I know some women describe it like the same as washing dishes and cleaning. You just mentally have to psych yourself up to do it. And you just do it. Let's check off on our to do list. Alright, sex done.
dishes done, removed cobwebs done. I mean, it's gotten really that bad. And of course, that is of deep concern. Because when you go back to what intimacy is meant to achieve in the relationship and how intimacy is described in Islam, and how Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam we hear so we've read so many Hadith of how he was intimate and very romantic with his wife. I think it's about time we start talking about it. I first of all want to talk about foreplay. Yes. And I think about a story my brother told me, which I thought was very hilarious. He had a friend he visited a while ago overseas. And after the wife had served them supper, and they had finished eating, he got up like
his mother raised him as a good boy. He picked his plate up and was about to take it to the kitchen and the husband like no sit down. And he grabbed the plate from his hands, and was about to leave the room. And he said, This is for play. And I thought like this guy really, really gets it. So yes, let me start for the gentleman in the house that may not know or may be able to see this video later. There is something that I think we have to make clear that women make love emotionally. And men make love more physically. Now women making love emotionally, what does that mean? There's a lot of mess going on, going on in our heads.
You know, the kids,
a quarrel that you had earlier in the day or a look that you were given,
you know, the how to make sure the house is kept clean and tidy. Like there is just so much going on, you know, in the mind that it's not just that easy for women to just shut down and disconnect from all the chaos and all the hustle and bustle going on. And like the traffic jam in our heads and then just go into romance mode. It is very hard. Some women may be able to pull it off. I don't know any of us many.
And I've talked to and counseled so many and they do say it's like how can we fight in the morning and he wants sex at night like, I don't get it. So of course for me, I just give him what he wants. And just check it off on my to do list. And of course, like I said, that's not what intimacy is meant to be. So I think this is such an important thing that men do need to understand that if we are carrying baggage, if we have unresolved issues, if there was a misunderstanding, and it wasn't resolved, to see it through to the very end, it is very hard. If I sent you haven't forgiven me, it's very hard for me to emotionally disconnect that and go into intimacy mode into sexy mode. So
there needs to be this deliberate conscious effort to unpack right before you go into expecting something from her. You need to address issues and resolve issues so that your wife does not start to think or I'm just an object of sex, that there's no emotional bond or connection that's supposed to be attached to this very sacred part of the relationship. And I say very sacred because that is the thing that you get to do with your legal way.
that you cannot do that will get you in serious trouble with your maker, if you breach that contract, that is the special thing that we can have with our spouse, which we cannot have with anybody else. So this is an important thing. Now, having said that,
men are not made of wood, and they have needs. And of course, that also means that the wife has to also understand that sometimes the man doesn't get this part of separating these two things. And she has to also try and make an effort to know that his intimacy needs are so strong. A man's the number of time a man thinks about intimacy during the day would blow you away. I don't have the statistics. I've read it once. But honestly, it is mind boggling to think that a man gets erection over 100 times there's a study that was conducted and it's literally that bad, or were good for them. I didn't know what to say.
So this is something that is so important. Of course, if he's got a lot on his plate as well, maybe that's not really top of his list. However, he still wants to connect on that level. So you need to also as the woman watching as the wife, be considerate, be aware, and be conscious of trying to make sure that you are there for him. A lot of men justify infidelity because their wives are not willing to sacrifice. I hate to put it that way, it sounds so crude, but sacrifice whatever baggage just to make sure they meet their needs. And then,
in the course of discussions with a lot of people again over the years, we found out that there is a high high rate of dissatisfaction because many just simply don't know how to how do I satisfy my spouse? And this applies to both the man and the woman? How do I satisfy her needs when she doesn't see what her needs are? Now some are very shy, some have a problem actually saying, this thing brings me pleasure. I enjoy this psalm don't communicate, and I'm so sorry, if you can't communicate with your spouse, then don't complain if he can't meet your needs. However, there was a particular case my husband and I dealt with where a man complained and justified infidelity. Because he had
bought his wife, all sorts of sexy lingerie, sex toys, and things that he wanted that they would use to spice up the bedroom acrobatics, and so on. Unfortunately, she made a comment she said, I'm not a prostitute, I'm not going to use these items. And before you know it, one thing led to another and like I said he justified that as his reason that he has fantasies, he has needs that are not being met. And unfortunately, he cheated himself. Of course, Xena is cheating yourself, because that is a relationship between you and your maker. And you're going to have to pay for that you're going to have to account to allow for your actions. So no way should anyone ever imagine that I'm saying that
is justification. Of course one needs to exercise a lot more self restraint, a lot more faith and Iman and fear of offending Allah to refrain from doing what Allah forbids. But there needs to be this mutual communication between both couples about their needs, their wants and fantasies and there has to be intentionality in everything we do. We have to be deliberate in making sure that we satisfy each other's needs. It is not something you should take lightly. I talk about intimacy constantly, as something that should be part of conversation, get comfortable with it. Many are shy, and I can understand if it's something that seems so private and it makes you feel vulnerable, that
it's hard for you to say, Oh, I enjoyed that. But this is your spouse, the only thing that you cannot do together is no sex and when she's on her period, but everything else is a free for all it's a buffet Have fun, be adventurous, enjoy what Allah has made her love. And do not listen to anyone who says doing certain kinds of acts of sexual intimacy or haram like
giving filetto oral sex. i There are so many words for it. I don't want to be vulgar because I'm not sure who's watching. And I don't want to be misunderstood either. So let me just leave it at oral sex. It is not haram. Contrary to what some may tell you. Your husband's body is for you to explore and give him ultimate pleasure. But your wife's body is also there for the same thing for you.
Used To Be adventurous for you to explore and know that you are meeting her needs as well. I came across three books
by Habiba candy, which I have been reading lately and I found them to be very rich, very insightful, and an eye opener. So those books or books I actually do recommend now while I recommend them, I also want to give a disclaimer, it is in no way meant to cause you, dissatisfaction if your spouse is not able to meet your intimacy needs, absolutely not. But it's meant for the couple to for couples to read together so that they can discuss you're meant to be partners in this partners in faith partners in life partners in every aspect. And this is meant as Allah says he has created for you mates your mate is your buddy your chum. You know the person you'll be chummy with. You should
be free to talk about what you like and what you don't like. So this thing about pleasuring your spouse, helping them achieve climax in intimacy, that it's a mutual thing. It's not about it, you find people get married and unfortunately, they go in absolutely, with no knowledge about what to do, how to navigate how to spice up that area, especially in the bedroom. And intimacy eventually starts to become boring after a while in a lot of relationships.