Parenting – An Islamic Perspective
Channel: Mansoor Danish
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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu wa salam Ala Moana serene Nabina Muhammad wa ala Eddie was heavy woman wb San Antonio Medina mbak follows him in a straight Donna regime. Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim, permission of Allah said that he was simply under the watchful eye of the humble ehsani of cold calling. I welcome all the parents of Accra International School. Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
But a lot of people to the organizers of this program today, it's your parent teachers meeting today. And Hamdulillah, I'm fortunate enough to get an opportunity to address each one of you who are over here,
does not move ahead. Now, let us get started off with a discussion today. And I'm going to be touching upon a topic which is not something very new. It's a topic that most of you are quite well aware of. And it's the issue of parenting. Now, parenting is a term which we keep hearing on a day to day basis, especially those who are parents, they keep hearing about good parenting, bad parenting, ethical parenting, unethical parenting, giving time to the child, spending more work, spending more hours playing with the child, and so on and so forth. We keep hearing all of these on an ongoing basis on a regular affair, but we really don't seem to get a correct direction as far as
parenting is concerned. Now inshallah, in the short address that I'm going to make, I'm gonna try and put certain things in perspective, it's very important as Muslims, that we have everything in perspective, and we know what our priorities are. If as Muslims, we don't know our priorities, it's not gonna be long before we want to be overrun by the daily affairs of our life. And before we realize that we would, we would know that a child has grown up, and there is no relationship of love existing between the father and the child. And unfortunately, we have so many cases happening in the subcontinent, especially in the Muslim family, where there is no link between the father and the son
in the sense of love in the sense that the sun goes up with the Father and shares his problem. And the father tries to offer a solution. It's more of a bit relationship where the father is very strict, and he's very difficult to reach out to, and he gets angry easily and at times, he believes in the saying, spare the rod and spoil the child so he ensures he never spends the rod. Well, inshallah, we're gonna have a look at parenting from a different perspective. At the outset, I want to make a point to you that this parenting is an Amana from Allah subhanho wa Taala to each one of you. And to me, being a father of a child. I also am one of you. And I tell you that this is an
Amana and Allah subhanho wa Taala mentioned to us in the Quran in surah, Nisa number 58, that Allah commands us to render the trust to those it is due to, and remember that the child that you have is not something which happened mechanically, it was the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala. This is a gift from Allah subhanho wa Taala. And therefore we must be very, very careful. How do we deal with this gift that Allah subhanaw taala has given us he will hold us accountable on the Day of Judgment, he is going to bring us to account and will question us on how did we spend on the child? Where did we earn to spend on the child? How much time did we give to the child? What is the therapy that we
gave to the child? How much of Islamic information did we give to a child, whether we assisted him whether we showed mercy to the child along with questionnaires on all of these fronts. It's not simply about producing an offspring and expecting that a child is grow on its own. And my job is to simply provide money at home. It's not as simple as that involves both the parties, the father and the mother have to play a similar role in the upbringing of the child. Now, I'm going to give you five principles, which will make you succeed when it comes to the issue of parenting. And after I give you these five principles, I'm also going to give you a way to go about meeting these
principles. So what is the first principle, the very first principle I'm giving you is the key to parenting. When you send your child to an Islamic school you expect your child to be a half is by the end of 13 years. You expect your child to become a must be a puppy, but that does not happen. It is not that easy.
All right, you have a role to play, and your role is 50% 50% role belongs to the father of the child. I'm not saying the parents, I'm saying the Father, and Allah Subhana Allah says this in the Quran in surah hollein I am number six. Allah says, Yeah, Allah Xena M and O you who believe,
who can save yourselves what agnico and your family from the fire of hell, I want you to pause and go back to this ayah and see what Allah is telling you. He's telling you or you will be saved yourself, and then save your family from the fire of hell. The first command is to the Father to save himself from the Hellfire and then save the family from the hellfire. I call this the 50% of parenting because if you can change your lifestyle, if you can bring about the change in yourself after you step out from this room today. And you focus on saving yourself from the Hellfire which means when it comes to your professional conduct, the kind of business that you do, the kind of
money that you deal in whether it is rubber or non rubber, whether it is Hara halaal, whether you are giving your workers who work for you that do before the sweat dries up or not. Whether you are honest in your work, whether you are sincere, whether you speak the truth, whenever you open your mouth, all of these things, if you can perfect yourself and then you focus on your spiritual aspect, your ibadah your worship with Allah keeping your nothing acts as well. For the act, for example, waking up a fun job in the morning and so on and so forth. If you can take care of all of these 50% of parenting is taken care of. Because if you as a role model, as the leader, as the head of the
family can perfect yourself can become a role model can become a standard, your child will grow up looking at you, your family, your wives, and other members of the family are gonna look at you and they will say if this is Islam, I want to be like him. This is the beauty of this I have the Moran 50% of parenting is all about you. Now earlier on the lawn who was asked, how is it that one can save themselves from the fire of hell. And earlier the alarm said this is by acquiring Islamic knowledge. It's imperative in today's day and age that we acquire Islamic knowledge many of us take it very lightly. But it's very important that we acquire Islamic knowledge. And I therefore invite
each one of you attending this program today to join any university where you can apply Islamic knowledge we have many online university more specifically Islamic online university founded by Dr. Bill Phillips, go ahead and join this university, you can acquire knowledge at your home and whatever you acquire, start practicing it in your life and then implementing it in your life and, and passing it on to your family. That's how it happens. It's not you acquire knowledge from somewhere, pass it to your family and you don't implement it in your life. If we can't implement something in our life, how do we expect our family to follow it? So saving ourselves from the fire,
as earlier on Ilan says is acquiring Islamic knowledge. And of course, one of the aspects of acquiring knowledge is that you implement it, you apply it in your daily life.
Now, the second aspect of the second principle is showing the children the real meaning of mercy. One of the things which is very, very important, and this is something which many of us keep hearing about it, but unfortunately we don't practice it. And that is the issue of expressing love to the child. It is important that the father does take time out and expresses his emotion expresses his love towards the child. Upon occasion the Prophet alayhi salatu was Salam was with another companion. And this companion saw the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam, giving kisses to the forehead of Hassan and Hussein. The man said jasola Allah sallallahu sallam, I have more than 10
children but I have never kissed them in our in my life. The Prophet alayhi salaatu wa sallam said and I'm paraphrasing the Hadees he said What can I do if Allah has taken away mercy from your heart? So the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam equated mercy in your heart with kissing your child expressing your love and emotion? When was the last time I do have parents who are over here, fathers of future fathers whose children are studying here at the Accra. When was the last time you gave a kiss to your child and expressed your love Your mercy towards your child? It's important that you do that. In the light of the homies that I've given him the ultimate Josie or him alone or the
very famous scholars of Islam a student with a painter Rahim Allah. He said show your children the real meaning of mercy. And then he went on to explain that one of the real meaning of mercy is denying your child something which he wants
You see, we live in a day and age today where both the parents are working father, mother both going out and working. And really, really, it's the weekend when they get the full day to the child. So on Saturday and Sunday, both the parents, the father and the mother, they want to love their child with whatever he wants. So they'll take him out to the mall, they take them out to the shopping complex. And as the famous saying goes, whatever King Midas touch, turn gold. And that is what happens to the little child, he becomes King mythos for two days, whatever he touches is granted, whatever he touches becomes a gold. This is not tracked, as Muslim parents who want to bring up our child in an
Islamic manner, we must show them the real meaning of mercy. And the real meaning of mercy is sometimes even if we have the capability financially, to give something to the child, you deny it temporarily, so that he can be more tolerant and patient, he must not think that in life, everything can be gotten so easily, he must understand that there are times where we want things, and we may not get it in our life. One of the ways which you could do is and this is very common in the Middle East, I don't know how you're gonna do it here. Maybe you could apply this also somehow over here as well in India, and that is if your child wants a toy, or he wants something, tell your child today,
that son what we got to do is we will give give you this gift, but I think we need to make the art Allah subhanho wa Taala. So you take him back home, make him offer his Salah, or ask him to make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala and tell him to continuously make the art to Allah. And after a month, maybe you can go and give him this gift and tell him that oh my son, Allah subhanho wa Taala has permitted me today, the financial means to give you what you had desired one month back, so you must take a loss of $1 for that, what you are doing, firstly, you're denying the child what he wants immediately. So you're telling your child to be patient. Secondly, you're telling your child that
you need to ask Allah subhanho wa Taala ultimately, for whatever you want. Third thing you're connecting your child to Allah subhanho wa Taala, right from an early age, so he's not going to be dependent on anyone other than Allah. So if tomorrow if you are not there, your child knows that Allah subhanaw taala is going to provide for him at all costs. And fourth thing by giving him what he wants, eventually, and making your son thank Allah subhanho wa Taala you're making him a tangled slave of Allah subhanho wa Taala. So you must try this at your home, but show the children the real meaning of mercy. And remember, when Allah sometimes keeps the hands empty, it has always to fill it
with something better. So you must teach that to the child, you must tell him that you know what son, you wanted that. But unfortunately, we don't have the means to give you right now, may Allah subhanho wa Taala give us the means to give it to you. And today you want something and Allah is depriving you of it. But remember that Allah may have deprived you today of something which you want, he'll replace it with something better. And you should make the offer that teach this to your child initially is going to throw tantrums initially is going to cry a lot. But gradually, you need to cycle his mind in a manner where you connect him to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Many of the parents,
they try to put the fear of themselves into the hearts of the child. If you don't do your work, I'm gonna call up your teacher. If you don't do your work, I'm gonna walk you you put the fear of the Father, the mother or the teacher most often the mawlawi the one who comes to teach the Islamic Studies, you put their fear into the heart of the child. Never do that. That is not the way to deal with children today. The way to do it is remind him of Allah subhanho wa Taala always, why do I say this? I say this because today when you are around your child knows that if you see him do something wrong, you're gonna punish him. But tomorrow when you're not there, he will get away with that act
which was prohibited initially, because he knows his father can't see it. However, if you would have connected him to Allah Subhana Allah from an early age, he would have remembered that if my father doesn't see me or my mother doesn't see me, Allah is watching me and I have to be accountable to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Look, these are basics Foundation, which you have to teach your child. You don't have to sit down with big books that are either in front of your child. He's a little child right now, but you start forming the aqeedah by giving him these case studies in his life. I hope this thing is clear to all of you. The third thing is for many parents tend to focus more on the
physical body and you will see the mother and the father driving the children crazy. Eat food, eat food, eat good. You know what I have personally believe this and I see this with my son as well. As long as your child is physically fit and he is running around and he's moving around. Handling logtag Allah subhanho wa Taala for that any every child has an automatic system which tells him how many
He wants to eat and how much he does not want to eat. There is a child who does not eat and has no energy and is always low and slow. So for these children you need to focus. But for those children who are not eating or have eaten, but they don't eat a lot, but they are handling the active and they participate in on sports and activity, then they play and the runner up, have done a lot that said, He's got his energy which he wanted, because you see, so panela, he does not feel any
lithology in his day, and he spends his entire day running around, jumping, screaming, yelling, so halala, so you must not focus too much of the physical body. Rather, you must try and focus on the hearts and the minds of your children. And this is something which is very important. At this age, your child is going through an impressionable age, what he sees at home is what he's going to take back. If he sees that his parents are continuously fighting, he will grow up thinking that the relationship between a husband and wife is a relationship of fight. If he sees that his parents are fighting with each other and the father beats of the mother, then he grows up thinking that the man
is supposed to beat up the wife, or if it's a daughter, she learns that I'm supposed to get beaten up by my husband. So she tends to fear the marriage. So Hannah law, we have to be so careful, we must understand that our children notice more than we think they don't notice. Our children notice more than we think that they don't notice, we got to take cognizance of this. Try and avoid three things in front of your child anger, frustration, and outbursts. The more you show your anger and frustration and outburst between the couple you know, you, you and your wife having a dispute difference. Are you speaking to your subordinates in the office or your boss, avoid a foe and
frustration and outbursts in front of your child, choose a particular place, choose a particular time went out your anger went out your frustration, but make sure it's not in front of the child. Don't teach your child the wrong habits.
Okay, the last. The fourth point, which I want to mention over here is time management. How many of you actually save time by the end of the day? How many of you feel that you get enough time to spend with the child? Well, the reality is most of us are struggling to save time, most of us are struggling to meet all our things to do the pending work that we have. Time is the same 24 hours in a day. But our work life has increased, the quantum of work has increased. And this tends to enter the scales to affect our family life. We got to take care of a family life. There are times that we need to stop and tell ourselves, I'm done for the day, I need to spend time with the family. Don't
try and carry your work back home. Unless of course you're working virtually out of your home, like I do with Islamic online university. But that's besides the point.
But you don't, then you have to be more strict with your punctuality and discipline. With regards to your time, time management is very important. How much time do you take out for your child every day? Is it just dinner that you take off time for your child? Do you not get any other free time with your child? Look, if you are depriving your child of your presence when he needs you tomorrow, when you need him, you may not find him around you. It's very important that you are there with your child in his growing age. Be there with him, talk to him, sit with him understand what happened during his day, try to get a feedback from him. This is important and can't be done once in a month.
It can't be done once in a week. It has to be on an ongoing basis. You may miss one or two days in a month or three days in a month. But generally you must take out time for your child. There are times you have to tell yourself eight hours in a day is good enough for today I must go back home and attend to my family. And at that time, no mobile phones no work nothing.
So remember, we don't have a lot of free time. So if you are hoping that you finish up everything and you'll get free time the reality is we will never get any free time. A wise believer knows there is no free time in this dunya the only place you can relax the only place you can have comfort is in the Accra in general to photos and for that you need to work in the slide and for in order to work in the slide. One of the acids that Allah has given you is your child and you must move your child into being a good Islamic scholar and Islamic color to Islam. Somebody who is governed by Islamic principles inshallah Allah The last thing is the relationship with the Quran before you expect your
child to study the Quran. Before you expect your child to understand the Quran. Ask yourself what When was the last time you opened up Iran? Ask yourself when was the last time you read a line of the Quran and he made his son understand what it means. Look, if you don't have a relationship with the Quran, it is no point expecting your child to become a half as a person.
As somebody who follows the principles of the Quran, simply by putting him into an Islamic school, your job is not done. Well I am telling you don't blame anyone. If you are not somebody who has a relationship with the Quran, the Sahaba would attach the children with the Quran at an early age, because they felt attaching the children to the foreign at an early age meant attaching them to Allah subhanho wa Taala. But many of us ourselves are detached from the Quran, and how therefore we can expect our children to be attached. So this is another point, which I want you all to take notice of when it comes to parenting. So we have mentioned five principles. Let us quickly have a
look at the five principles. The first principle we said is the key to parenting, which is sort of the holy Maya number six saving yourself from the Hellfire and your family and how do you save yourself it is by acquiring and applying the knowledge of Islam. The second thing which we have mentioned in this subject is showing your children the real meaning of mercy. The third thing which we said is focusing more on the hearts and the minds of the child rather than the physical body. The fourth point that we mentioned is spending more time with your child. And the last point was your relationship with the Quran. Now in order to achieve these principles, I'm going to give you five
important aids and inshallah, if you apply this in your life, I'm hopeful and we pray that Allah subhanaw taala will make things easy for us and make us be good parents to our child. Number one, Nia or intention, Al anon binetti every action is based upon intention. So you must have the intention right now as you're sitting and listening to me that you want to bring about a change in your life and the life of your child. And Firstly, you need to purify your intention if your intention is not purified. And if you're not willing to do this, I believe there is no point really listening to this lecture any further. So you must first have a very strong intention. And I know
each one of you here have a strong intention. The fact that you participating in this program shows your intention, your intent towards the upbringing of your child, where you have to play a major role.
So, intention is the first thing Second, the only thing constant in life is change. If you understand from this lecture so far, I have been focusing about changes which you need to bring in your life. Remember, the only thing constant in life is change. You have to bring about changes Allah says in Surah rod and number 11, Allah says in the law, you're a hero, maybe your hero maybe unfussy him, surely Allah does not change the condition of people till they change their own condition. So you want the loss of the island to change the condition in which you are the surroundings in which you are, you know, we keep saying Oh, a loss and your health or loss and in
your head. You have to first take the step. Allah says Allah will not change your condition unless you bring a change in your condition. Take the first step, make the first move, be the first mover and you see how Allah opens up your pathway. This is a promise that Allah is giving you in the Quran in surah, wrought iron number 11. He says you make the first move.
And then you see Allah will bring about the change in your condition. So let us start changing ourselves. Let us establish taqwa in our life and taqwa is by being careful about everything in our life. Right from the time I open my eyes, what I do with my eyes, what do I look with my eyes? What do I smell with my nose? What do I hear with my ears? What do I say from my mouth? What do I do with my hand? Where do my legs take me? Every action, every word, every small, minute detail in our life, we keep asking ourselves is displeasing to Allah? Will this bring about bring upon us The Wrath of Allah? If I keep questioning myself in every minute detail, I would be proceeding towards developing
taqwa in my life. And this is a long process, but it starts from now. So if all of those who are listening over here are making an intention to change yourself, you have taken the first steps towards acquiring the point in your life. Don't stop it. Every moment question yourself, what you're doing isn't going to please a lump overly bring upon the Wrath of Allah.
Sacrifice is another very important thing which you will have to now make for your child. What was the last sacrifice that you made for your child? And when I say sacrifice to trust me, the biggest sacrifice you can do for your child is being paid for him. That's very important. Yani if the father is all day away, working from morning six to 910 o'clock and has no time for the child. He leaves it the child is leaving for the school. He comes back when the child has already gone off to sleep. What are you going to do with the child you're not able to spend any time with your child? You are. You're separating yourself emotionally from your child. Don't do that. Don't deprive a child of your
presence. Make a sacrifice today. start spending more time with your child that doesn't
does not mean you delay over. That does not mean you over look at your responsibilities. It only means that at times, you make a sacrifice of a few $100 so that you can spend that moment with your child. It means that maybe I may not be able to spend too much on my own comforts and luxuries this month, but I'll be able to spend time with my child, which is a necessity. And any economics books tell you necessity comes before comfort and luxury. Your spending time with your child is necessity. Everything else is comfort or luxury.
The whole point is saving yourself from sins and bad deeds. As I said, when you establish taqwa in your life, you will be questioning yourself at every step. And this will actually help you to save yourself from sins. At the same time, it will help you to do good deeds, as Allah says in the Quran, with the island, taqwa help one another in good deeds. So each of you brothers who are here, you must try to help one another do good deeds as well. The last point I want you to mention, and that is good company. It's very important what kind of company you keep, because your child watches who your friends are. If your friend is one who is regularly partying, who's regularly going out to the
cinema who is regularly discussing and gossiping about hearing their story, he will try to impact your way of thinking, look, you're trying to Islam aside your thought process in the sense that you want to follow the principles of the Quran and the Sunnah. Whereas you have a friend who has a very different mentality. So you have to understand that sins will attract sins and good deeds will attract good deeds. So if your friend does not take you towards good deeds, he will take you towards sin. So make sure you are careful when it comes to selecting your friend, all right. And your friend should be ideally one who in whose presence you remember Allah, your Eman level increases and
someone who will continuously invite you to the path of Allah who will correct you when you're going wrong. So, that is all that we have for discussion. With regards to the five aids which I have given you, I told you that the five aids which will assist you in meeting the principles are near or intention. Second thing which I mentioned, is sacrifice, which is very, very important. Third, we said is change the only thing constant in life being changed. Fourth is saving yourself from sins and doing good deeds. And lastly, acquiring good companionship in terms of the friend circles that you have. These will all help you in meeting the objectives of parenting. So if you see parenting is
not about how you discipline your child, parenting is all about how you discipline yourself first, and does that not fulfill the eye of the Quran? where Allah says, Yeah, you hola Xena Amano, who
are you who believe save yourself and your family. So if you see 50% of parenting is all about yourself, how you can change yourself. We make the odd that Allah subhanho wa Taala will make us amongst those who will be able to implement whatever has been discussed. It's very easy to give a lecture on all of these topics, but it's very difficult to implement them, but nothing is impossible. So impossible is just a state of mind you can you can break that and make things possible. So the first step is make the intention. Second step is
accept that changes have to be made in your life. If there are things going wrong, they have to be corrected. Maybe your parents will do certain things in their life and your grandparents will do certain action. But if they do not conform to the Quran and the Sunnah and is impacting the upbringing of your child, this is the time to change it. The third thing is stop making sacrifices for your child. And the biggest sacrifice is spending time with him and not being absent when he needs you. The fourth point is to save yourself from evil and bad deeds. And the last point we said is to acquire good companions, good friends, who will increase your level of awareness of Islam and
also increase your Eman level as well. barakallahu li calm for listening to this lecture patiently and if you have any query you can always get in touch with me design will have hair so Hannukah llama become the eyeshadow and eyeliner. tabula rasa Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh