The Healthy Marriage
Channel: Ibrahim Hindy
File Size: 19.34MB
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said our praises to to a law alone. And then we seek aid and assistance in Tim we try and go through repentance and for forgiveness. truly human loss penalty Allah guides them can mislead and human law leaves to go astray there is none who can guide and I've been one is that there's nothing worthy of worship, save a lot alone. And that Mohammed Salah love wherever you send them is both his servant and His Messenger. Allah subhanaw taala when he described shape one, he said I go to him. And now what I do one little movie and indeed he is a clear enemy who seeks to misguide you,
and their profits all along wherever you are sallam, when he spoke about undescribed disease, and the shadow theme, the devils that work with him, he mentioned in a hadith in Sahih, Muslim that at least asks the devils what they have done with their day. And so one of them will say I didn't leave so and so until I caused him to steal. And another will say I didn't leave so and so until I caused him to abuse and other and they will recount the evils that they tempted and encourage mankind humanity to do.
Until as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, to me, gee, why don't fire Paul mattock, to hotter for rock turina, who were they in the merata
coffee with him in Hawaii, who intends that one of them will say to police, I didn't leave this men until I caused him to separate from his wife. And when he says so shavon at least says to this devil that's come forward, I choose you, you are the best of all of them. And this is because at least understands that one of the greatest avenues to cause corruption and evil is to break up and to shake a home and a relationship between a husband and a wife. And if we look today,
and survey, divorce around the world, and Muslim majority countries, for instance, in particular, will find that divorce rates have spiked in the last 20 to 30 years, with almost no exception. In some Muslim countries, the divorce rates is that 67% nearly all of them are over 50% It is rare to find a country with a divorce rate below 50%. And when I was a child, I remember the hottie would sometimes stand and say non Muslim countries have high divorce rates, but Muslim countries don't have it. But now we're exactly the same, sometimes even more. And it shows how far we have fallen behind upholding the etiquette of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that he taught us and our
last panel to Allah when he speaks about the prophets and the messengers in the quarter and he says well john Allah home as Arjun was Oriya that we gave them and bless them with wives and children. So the profits or loss kind of dial in made them to be examples for us, including the example of how to run their household, to have wives and to have children. And Allah says about the Messenger of Allah but can eloquently rasulillah he was watching Hashanah. And Allah says, indeed in the Messenger of Allah, there is a great example for those who wish a lot of those who have hope in Allah and in the last day, and the prophets all along where other usnm would instruct us and instruct the men in
particular, in terms of their relationship to their families and to their wives. The Prophet for instance, one had he says, In the Canon to shutter natural cotton, tell me how much Hello I enlisted to be hydrojetting wherever it is, no one spends anything for the sake of a lot except when they spend that a lot raises them a degree in
raises them in their rent. And then the Prophet gave an example of giving for the sake of a lot of there are many forms of giving for the sake of a lot. You can give someone, someone who's hungry you can give to build the masjid, you can give to educate someone, many forms of giving for the sake of Allah but the prophet in this hadith specified something in particular, he said, hasta la cama Tada, I have defendant brightech. He said, even the morsel of food that you place in the mouth of your wife of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, even when talking about so the thought wanted to use it as an opportunity to educate to encourage the man in his treatment of his wife and how to treat her with
excellence and how to think about spending upon her even in feeding her that will last how to Allah would reward him for doing so. And once when the woman at the time of the prophet SAW Lola, what do you send them more complaining excessively about their husbands? And they came to the house of the prophet to complain about their husbands and the prophets on the long run. He was send them said, like pause, early Mohammed Ali only sat Kafeel will like him at all. It can be theatrical, he said that Indeed, many women have come to the house of the Prophet today. Truly, not truly most of you are not of the best of you, that you are not the best of you because you have become excessive. And
your complaints. They're complaining about things that are frivolous in the relationships, and the profits and the lock where he was selling them in his final sermon, where he chose the most important things about his message to highlight to underlying realizing that that was, perhaps for many of the people who were there, the hundreds of 1000s of people who were there with 100,000 people who were there witnessing the profit, give that sermon that was the first time they saw the Prophet speak. And for most of them, it was the last time they saw the Prophet speak. And the Prophet had a premonition that this would be his last sermon. And he said, what was the most
important about this Dean? And he said it took a laugh in this app. And he said to the men fear a lot in relation to your relationship to the women for in
America, because you have been entrusted with them by the entrustment of Allah subhanaw taala if someone gives you something to borrow, you have to answer back to that person. The province of the law at least seven is saying whatever, dominance whatever, you know, authority, Allah has given a man over a woman you took that because Allah gave you that trust meant Allah and trusted you with it, meaning you're gonna answer back to Allah subhana wa Tada.
And likewise, one, one of the women that came to the Prophet sallallahu earlier sending them and the Prophet asking her about what is critical for her entrance into Jenna. He said, Allah phakisa empty now for innner who genetica one owner rookie, he said, How is your relationship with your husband for he is your agenda and he is you're not. Meaning that the way if you treat him with abuse and disrespect that will cause you to go to the Hellfire and if you treat him with excellence, and good manners that will cause you to go into gender. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam showed this in his relationship to his wives. Look at what he married Sophia, really along with her. And it
was just the beginning of their marriage just at the very beginning of it. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam brings her the horse or the camel that she's going to climb upon to step upon. And she's too short to get onto the horse by itself. So the profits on the long run he was send them showing the chivalry of a man comes in Benz's nice so that she can step on his knee to get up on the horse. And many men are very callous in their relationship with their with their wives, and they won't even show this type of kindness, this type of chivalry, this type of giving your hand and the profits in the long run business immediately. And she was seeing the profit do this, then
increases her own respect for the profits along with them. She said, I felt too shy to put my foot on the profit. So when she came to come up on the horse, instead of putting her foot on the knee of the Prophet, she bent her knee and put her knee on the knee of the prophet in order to rise up onto the horse. She showed this extra respect to the Prophet so the love letter you send them after he saw the love wherever you send them, showed respect to her. And we see this again in the life of the Prophet some of the love where he was sending them
that the Prophet said the law is him would joke with his wives, that the Prophet joking with our Aisha One day, he said in the law, in a country on neuroglia with a punter an evil man, he said, I know that the day that you were happy with me I know and the day that you were angry with me, Oh, are you sure? I know. I just said to the Prophet How do you know when I'm happy with you? How do you know when I'm angry with you? And the Prophet said, God, amen. In our country, and mirabilia finicky finicky taco de la hora de Mohammed with our country on never been punchy La, la him. She said, he said to her, Isha, when you are happy with me, and you want to swear by Allah, you say by the Lord
of Mohammed, and she said, when you're angry with me
Anyone who swear by a law you say no by the Lord of Ibrahim, that's your swearing by the Lord of the brain, not by the Lord. And this is a joke that the prophet SAW the law when you send them would say, said to her in order to make her laugh, so the LaGuardia he was sending them.
An IE show when she heard this from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, she said, pilots, a gypsy said this is true. She said Arlen
metsulfuron, Angela. She said, I am not capable of abandoning anything other than mentioning your name, meaning even when I'm the most angry at you, I can't leave the house, I can't turn away from you. I can't leave your company, the most that I can do as I stopped seeing your name for a little bit. And this shows again, the affection that she had for the profits on the LaGuardia you send them. And we see the Prophet sallallahu, where he was sending him when I mentioned that when I would drink from the cup, when she would drink from a bowl and hand it to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he would turn it around in order to drink from the exact same place that I Isha drink from.
And this is again, the prophet sola where he said, I'm trying to show his affection for his wives, and for our mothers, including I show the loved one. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has guided us in many ways in how to improve our relationship with our wives. And there are many benefits that we can extract in our own livelihood. One of them is that the prophet SAW along with us and guided us in our family relations, to have a positive atmosphere to have a positive mindset, in our relationship to our wives. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Now you flew Mina, Mina Mina, and carry him and how Hello, Ronnie, I mean, ha, ha, ha. He said, No believing man should
despise or hate a belief in woman, if there is something about her. If there is a characteristic about her he dislikes, then there will be something that he doesn't like. Meaning that and this is a major issue that happens in our community is this contentment with each other, this contentment between the husband and the wife, the husband looks to the wife and says, Well, why can't she do this? This, this, this, this? And the wife looks to the husband, and why can't he do this or earn this or do that or do that. And we started judging each other on these basis of looking for the negative faults in one another. And when we focus on these negative faults, the negative false gets
bigger and bigger and bigger in our minds. And so our brother goes to his friend's house, and he sees his friend's wife cooks all this food or cleans the house so nicely. And he says, Why can't my wife do this. So now he begins focusing on the fact that his wife maybe is not the best cook. It's a big deal for some men. And he focuses on this, and he's super focused on this, but he doesn't see maybe his wife teaches his children, and maybe his wife treats his parents really well. And maybe the other brother's wife was a really good coke cook, maybe she fails in some of these aspects. Well, when we're super focused on the thing we don't like, it becomes all about we can see. And so
the Prophet says the believing man should not focus on the thing about her he doesn't like if there's something you don't like, there's something you will like, look to the thing that you do like, and this encourages the movement, the believer to have a sense of gratitude, even in the relationship between the husband and the wife. And this goes to our conversation or a football last week about gratitude and, and remembering the blessings of Allah subhanaw taala. And the profits on the lower isn't mentioned. In a lengthy Hadith. That Prophet Ibrahim visited his son is married a number of times in Mecca. And that the first time Prophet Ibrahim came to visit his family as an
adult in Mecca, he knocked on the door of Prophet is married, and the wife of Prophet is married, answered the door. And Prophet Ibrahim said, Where is your Where's your husband? She said, He's not here. He's out hunting. And so the Prophet said to her, how was your life? How is, you know, how is your issue? How is your affairs in your life and what's not? So she complained, and she said, everything is difficult. We only can eat meats that he hunts and drink water, we don't have anything else.
And of course, vegetation to grow in Mecca is very difficult. So Prophet Ibrahim said, you know, you heard her elk. And he said, when your husband comes back, inform him that I came and tell him, Well, you do it better. deictic change the gate to your house. And Prophet Ibrahim left, one prophet is married, returned. He felt something was off. He felt something was different, different. He said to his wife Did anything happen? She said, Yes, an old man came asking for you. And he said for me to tell you change the gate of your house. And prophet is married, understood. He said, This is my father. And he instructed me to divorce you. And then years later, however long it was Prophet
Ibrahim returned back to visit prophet is married in Mecca. And he went to his house and he knocked on the door and now the new wife answered the door. And he said, whereas Prophet was married, she said, He's awake. And he said to her, how is your life? And she said, 200 in LA, and he asked her about how is your food? How is this how is this and she said Al Hamdulillah. And so he came
To leave, he said, when your husband returns tell him that I came to visit and tell him felt bitter it metastatic, that establish or make firm the gate to your house. And then he left. And the same thing happened. Profit is not a return to felt something was difficult. He said to his wife did something happen. She said, an old men came, and he asked about you. And he said, to make firm the gate to your house. He said, this was my father. And he informed me or instructed me to keep you as my wife. And what was the difference between the two wives that made Prophet Abraham tell his son to change wives, by the way, you know, we're not telling people to go change their wives overnight. He
is a prophet, and he has, you know, the most shutter a reason to make this request of his son, but that he saw the one wife was not grateful to Allah. And if she cannot be grateful to Allah, how could she be grateful to her husband. And when he saw the other wife is grateful to Allah penalties. And this is how you build a strong home, this is how you build a good home. So for those who are not married, when you're looking to get married, you need to look for someone who has the characteristic of being grateful to Allah subhanaw taala. Because if they are grateful to Allah, they will be grateful inshallah to you, and those of you who are married, and want to improve your relationship
in your home, increase your ability to have gratitude, gratitude to a lot, and that will cause gratitude to other people, because part of our gratitude to a lot is to be thankful to other people and what other people have done for us. And this is one of the diseases, we only see the faults of the other person, we don't see their good side, we focus on the mistakes the other person does. We remember them, we memorize them, we note them down so that we can fight about them later. But we don't know down you know, the good things that people do the good thing that the husband does the good things that the wife does. And if we focus our attention there that will cause more peace in
our house. And we see this with the man, Rahim Allah to Allah, that one day he was making drops for his wife who had passed away. And in the door, he was saying, you saying Oh, law? You know, we were married for this long and we never left. Now he said, we never differed with each other. Someone heard this. He said, How long were you married to your wife? He never differed with her ever. How could you How can anybody be married and not have differing with with their husbands and wives? He said to him, Paula can to elaborate on the destiny. We're in what country? Are the two men? How are they to have? He said that, or the other that's mainly relate to her. He said that when she when I
became upset, she tried to make me happy. And when I became upset,
sorry, when she became upset, I tried to make her happy. But as if the relationship was like this one, the one person saw the other person was upset, they're having a bad day, something is difficult. They went out of their way to make things easy for that person, they went out of their way to drop the argument to make things easy for the other person and the other person returned that favor, that they were helping one person and the other person would help the other one on the other day. And this shows that if the two people are constantly angry with each other, the two people need to get their word in edgewise. The two people need to win the argument they need to to establish
their dominance on the other person, then it's like two sides pulling on a rope, the rope is going to break eventually. But if like you know madmen says when the day that I was upset, she tried to make me happy. And the day she was upset, I tried to make her happy, then when you see the other person and the needs of the other person and he tried to deliver it for them, that this causes a relationship that you can spend 2030 years married and not have significant problems in your marriages. felco for those of you that comes through in order for him
Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah who Allah Allah, he was a happy woman. Voila. We don't have too much time. I wanted to talk about, you know, some research that's been done in marriage. And john Gottman has done a lot of research in this area as a doctor and you know, studied this area a lot. And he talks about, you know, often the Four Horsemen of divorce, like the four signs of divorce have four major signs of divorce. It talks about criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. And it says that when these things come into the relationship, they can be very corrosive to, to marriage, and I wanted to talk about this from an Islamic perspective,
because it lines up with a lot of the teachings of the prophets and the love where it's gonna go, maybe we don't have time to go through all of it. But there was a sister here who held a workshop a few months ago on making marriage work, and I was telling people to sign up for it. And then she deals with a lot of these issues and goes through a lot of his studies as well and she's coming back I believe, perhaps in March inshallah, we'll be holding it here as well. So I encourage you to sign up when when that registration becomes accessible inshallah, but he talks about criticism, and he says, you know, criticism is different, is a serious problem. He says complaints is one issue.
Have lots of complaints, complaints usually complain about a problem. I'm upset about this problem, criticism is you criticize the person. So he says this is one of the worst things about that happen in a marriage. So for instance, you know,
the husband is late doesn't come home late doesn't come home until late. a complaint is I was scared, you didn't come home late. Because you didn't tell me you came, you were gonna run late. And usually we agreed that if you're going to come late, you're going to tell me, this is a complaint you're complaining about the problem of him being late. A criticism is, how dare you come late, you don't realize how this affects me. You are insensitive, you are this you are. So now it's criticism. You're criticizing the person, you're not criticizing the problem. We see the prophets the love with when you send them, you know, he wouldn't turn things into fights or into complaints. So for
instance, when the prophets of lightning would come to the house and say, is there food to eat? And the wives would say, no prophet can say, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you cook? Why didn't you find food? Why didn't you do this? He would say even in the science that we say, then I'm going too fast. He could take things as an opportunity to fight like many people do. Instead, he doesn't he finds a way out of that situation.
And we see Anasazi along with the little boy who was serving the prophets and the love wherever you send them. He said, I serve the Prophet, not once did the Prophet Tell me why did you do this? Why didn't you do that? Why did you do this? Not that. And so he said, like, as he served the Prophet, the prophet never criticized them. And this shows the type of effect of our Prophet Sall, Allahu Akbar, you send them, he says, The next problem is when criticism becomes contempt, it's one thing to criticize the person. But now it becomes contempt disrespect towards each other. One person says they're tired, so you're tired. Who cares? If you're tired, you just come home and sit on the couch.
I'm the one doing all the work. So now you're disrespecting the other person. And he says, when it comes into foul language with each other abusive language with each other, he says this is in fact, the greatest predictor of divorce. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi. wasallam taught us on aczone debates curable the agenda, even today, Canada and Canada, the province says I am the advocate to give you a house in the middle of agenda for the person who abandons arguing, even if they are right, even if the argument that you're arguing about you're right in your argument, even if you're using proper overlap, too much arguing is not good, let alone when you're arguing with your spouse,
and let alone win. The argument is using foul language and what's not. This shows contempt. This shows disrespect for each other. And it's one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. Likewise, he mentions defensiveness, that
and we do this routinely, that, you know, an issue comes up and we become excessively defensive. So,
you know, someone might say,
Why didn't you call so and so and tell them that I couldn't arrive this morning? And the person said, Why are you asking me? Don't you know how busy my schedule is? Why didn't you call so now they become very defensive, they turn the argument against the other person. And this way, there's a better answer could have been you know, I'm sorry. I was forgot. I forgot I was really busy. That you know, that's one answer. That's a good better answer. But a more defensive answer is I'm really busy how to when to call What's wrong with you? Why wouldn't you do this? Right? So you're turning the argument against the other person. And we see this in the profits a little love when you sell
them. When the Prophet woke up at night, and he was spending the night with alopecia, he woke up at night. And he got dressed quietly, and he left the house quietly. And Ayesha could hear this. Now he was jealous and thought he might be going to one of his other wives. So she followed the Prophet. And the Prophet left the house and went to Jonathan belt, he went to the cemetery of adelphia. And he was making drive for those who were there. So she heard him make to her house, she sees this and then she comes back to the house and the Prophet is coming behind her. So she runs into the house and she gets back into the bed and the Prophet comes. And he says to Ayesha, why is it that you're
panting? Clearly you're running? Why is it that you're panting? So he says to her Yeah, I Jackie Shea planning is indeed your shape. One come to you your shape and come to make you you know, feel jealous and come after me and run after me. So I say What did she say to the Prophet said Yama, sola. Don't you have a shape on to this is defensiveness, you're turning the argument against the other person. But what did the Prophet do? He disengages because what happens? One side gets defensive. Don't you have a shape one? And then he gets How dare you talk about my Shakedown? You're the one who doesn't trust me. Now you're going into an argument? The Prophet doesn't do this. He
says now it says yes, I have a shape one. He learned a lot on an era he passed them except that a lot helped me over this shape one and the shape one has become a Muslim. So he didn't take the bait like many people do and get into the argument. But this form of defensiveness is also a problem. And the fourth one that he mentions is stonewalling. stonewalling, you put up a wall, you just don't respond to the person and men do this. He said very high percentage of men do this. You get into an argument with your wife, and then you just ignore it. You stop answering to her. She asked you anything you shut
down, you're not responding to her at all. And this can be dangerous as well, because it's very frustrating when one side is trying to communicate and the other side is not willing to do so. And you know, there's an interesting how do you fear the Hadith of
the Prophet sallallahu send them very long, heavy, lengthy, heavy from Makati. And the Prophet comes home and I was telling him this very long story of all these different women were talking about their husbands very interesting, had teeth, but very long had he and I he was telling all of this to the prophets of Allah, what do you say to them? And the Prophet is listening very attentively. And many of us, you know, you get home and your wife is talking to you, and you're just in a different world. You're not even listening to her. You know, when chef was commenting, that, you know, his child comes and talks to him and he says, Oh, good, good job, good everything, and he's not
listening. And so his wife came yelling attempts that your daughter is telling you that she cut herself and you're saying, good job.
You're not listening. So there's, you know, there's not listening and it's intentional stonewalling of each other. But this Hadith, the prophet listens to everything he says. And I was just saying this wife was saying this about her husband and his wife saying this about her husband, until the last wife, Alma Zahra commissar talks about her husband, Amazon, that she loved him, and how good he was. And she said, If everything in the dunya is just I, after I was divorced her she married another husband, so the other husband treated her so well give her everything she wanted. She said even if the husband get that second husband gave me the world. It didn't compare at all to Amazon.
And when the Prophet heard this, at the end of the have a very long sleeve, he said Oh, are you sure I am to you like me, Rosada was to to Missouri, except that I am not, I will not divorce you except that I will not leave you. And it shows you some kind of law, the province and the law is and listening to this lengthy lead and then comments with something very loving and affectionate towards Ayesha rhodiola hota hai on him. And you know, of our Deen is that the mood to respond to this dilemma of another Muslim. So let alone if it's your one wife and you don't want to respond to give her a synonym. You don't even want to give the speech to her like that, that shows that there's, you
know, a significant problem in the way that the couples communicate. So there's a lot of blessings in our Deen of how to build excellent bridges in our relationships that we should benefit from