Marital Harmony #3

Hatem al-Haj

Channel: Hatem al-Haj

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The last two times we were talking about Wi Fi or harmony

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between the spouses. And today inshallah we will talk about avoiding shacklock or this harmony, this cord between the spouses.

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Certainly, you know, marital life is pretty intricate and complex. And to think that there will not be any point there will not be any point of disagreement or disputation taking place between the spouses will be too idealistic, 200 realistic.

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So, there will be times of disagreement, and we will should be as

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trained in avoiding chicag, as we are trained in fostering and promoting, without or CT.

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The best way to avoid a clock or this cord is to promote with a cord. Because that's the best antidote to Shikarpur this cord is to have compassion, have mercy, and have love between the spouses. So all of what we said in the past is needed. And we should remind ourselves of it to avoid chip up or Discord.

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And if you remember, we did talk about some concept when we in the first session, when we talked about some principles that we need to know before we embark on learning, they have practical tips,

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that there are certain concepts that we need to be aware of and correct our understanding of those concepts. So that we have

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harmony in the family. And one of those concept was the concept of tiama, which is sort of the position of caretaking and leadership, it's combined, the position that was given to the husband as the head of the household, being the head of the household is

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the head of the household is the caretaker maintainer. sustainer, you have at the same time, also the leader of the household, because as we said, If you make someone a caretaker, a protector, and make him responsible for this, you will have to give him some rights to be able to discharge his obligations, just like any responsibility in this world. Just like when you hire someone, as a manager of your store, you're not gonna have to give him some room to be responsible for the mistakes elect someone as a president, you know, have someone as a pilot, captain of a ship, he has to have some authority to be able to navigate through the risks and dangers of the sea, or air or

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whatever.

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So that's the concept of q&a. So it is it is combined some times some of us men like to think of them as a position of dictatorship, which is not

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it's primarily primarily a position of sustenance, maintaining caretaking, you know, and so on, comes from Kawan, which means standing all the time, standing in service of his household all the time.

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How you maintain our Lost Planet, Allah Hello, hi, how are you? And it also has to do with leadership, as we said, Because obligations and rights should be

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equitable, and should come hand in glove.

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Now, the issue of piano means that the wife should listen to her husband. But what does that mean exactly? When we talk about the wife obeying her husband, we're not talking about principal in an elementary school, and the wife being the student, and the husband being the principal.

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It doesn't work this way. Because these are, you know,

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mature adults that are partners in this relationship. It is not a student teacher relationship. It is a partnership.

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So in this case, it's a different type of obedience. But first of all, is there such concept the concept of obesity

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Stop is out, does it exist it does exist, like we said, you know, if the husband does not abuse this concept, then the wife should always

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extend that right to the husband. And I will, I will particularly talk about the conditions where the husband have uses that position of leadership, where he's not in title to dictating to his wife or to giving commands to his wife.

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So, how the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said in a hadith that is reported by Asmath from the mouth and by a headband from being

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authentically, he said, some Latin is a summit in Morocco, Hamza masama, chakra he does some Latin America to Hamza was Ahmed shahara. Sana

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Zelda pillola have put even a year Bourbons and that is it is something that is not at all cancer when if a woman prays the five daily prayers from her fight, which means her five obligatory prayers,

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while some shepherd and fasted her obligate her month of fasting, are there months of obligatory fasting Shahada per month, which means higher amounts of obligatory fats will aksana

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and she preserved her chastity and preserve her chastity.

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While

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Zelda and obey her husband, Ilana ha, it will be set to her that's in the hereafter for the hoodie in a web and then the T shirts, walk through any of the gates of Paradise you please

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walk in to paradise through any of the gates of Paradise you please do you know what that means? That's that's big, because who deserves that position, this is the position of suburbia. This is the position of Apple backless of the

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so this is

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the corner the ones who will be told come in walk through any of the gates of Paradise you please as if

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as if the burden okay keep in mind that this is very big, because this is very telling of the burden of obeying the husband. As if the burden of the obeying the husband is so huge that it would weren't such a kurama You know, it would want the woman to be honored about last minute Allah in such way. So men were have the different obligations, you know, that they need to basically fulfill in order for them a lot of obligations that they need to fulfill and supererogatory acts and so on to reach the payer and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam is saying that a woman may reach the position of VP DNS vitta.

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FC does these things. Praise the five daily prayers, fast month of Ramadan, protects her chastity obeys her husband, what is so different about this heavies fasts? Everybody's asked, you know of the daily prayers.

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You know, everybody's doing that. Everybody is required to do that.

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And then

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protects her chastity. I mean, it is it is expected of a righteous woman to protect her chastity, preserve her chastity

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is that what happened Zelda and obey her husband, he is such a it's such a heavy burden that will make her deserving of this honor, this great honor to be called from all the gates of paradise on the day of judgment and to be equated with the team.

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On the day of judgment, that's that's a great honor.

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Having said that,

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it is important, you know, it is important that we know our obligations before we know our rights. So, you know, a woman should should really focus on this hobbies and understand the breadth and the depth of this obligation to be able to fulfill that

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requirement and be called from the any of the gates of paradise.

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For the man, you should be more focused

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On your own obligations, what gets you through the gates of Paradise, not your rights in this dunya if you are the people of dystonia, none of the people of the fairer, you're not going to be your your memory will be better at your obligations, because then your rights, that hobbies that you will remember, are the hobbies that talk about your obligations as a husband, if you're the man, your obligations as the wife, if you're the woman, those are the ones that you want to remember more than hobbies, that we'll talk about your rights. You still remember them. But you will remember less than the heavyset we'll talk about your obligations. Why? Because their hobbies and I have to talk about

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the obligations.

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They get you ahead in the hereafter.

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And the Harrison app to talk about your rights will get you a head in dystonia. Which Where do you want to get ahead more here after this, that sort of thing in the afternoon and hereafter? So remember the ones your obligations as we said before, to I do and i'd love the Allah Kumar, Hassan Allah and that the lacco you you perform your obligation and ask Allah for your rights. The prophets of Salaam said this not the law. So you do that first you perform the obligations first. And then he asked the law for your rights.

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When is it not important? When is it not required of the woman to obey her husband?

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Because don't think that this is an absolute requirement.

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That obedience of Allah is the only absolute obedience and the obedience of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is secondary to the obedience of Allah. It is because we obey a law that we must obey His Prophet, but the most the absolute in every sense for obedience is to Allah subhanaw taala. And he told us that our prophets Allah sentiment, all the prophets are, are infallible. They're not going to convey to us something that's wrong, that's not from him. So we obey them based on that.

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But for any other human being, even the parent for obedience is qualified makia not Mortlock not absolute. It is conditional must rule.

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So what are the symbol? Where is it that a woman may not be required to obey her husband?

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Sure, but you know, widen the scope a little bit. Omar says, if he commands her of any Marcell, including share can anything that is smaller Marcy, any disobedience, any act of disobedience, Bukhari and Muslim reporters from Addis Ababa lavonne, from the Prophet sallallahu Sallam that he said la pata fee Maxi Attila in Namah, pa to filma roof, la pata, there is no obedience, female see of the law concerning the disobedience of Allah. Whereas at the expense of disobeying the law in a man which means exclusively in man

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apart to fill maruf most certainly is only in that which is Markov model in a methodical film model.

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So if the husband obeys or have any malizia she does not need she should not listen to him. It's not that she does not need to she should not listen to him.

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But that's the first one. Is that it?

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Because most of the time we think that this is it, that he can tell her anything afterwards if it has nothing to say or have to do.

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Because you know, it's not not saying you have to do

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is that you

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know, it's not true.

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Also, also,

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if he commands her to abandon the routine sunnen the routine sin she does not need to listen to.

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So Tapi Deena Suki Rahim Allah the Great chef, a scholar he quoted for to see Rahim Allah great Maliki scholar.

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He quoted a statement from him where he said, is a man this is concerning the parents and we use this because obedience to the parents is even a higher priority. So

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If you don't need to obey the parents indeed in this regard then you don't need to obey the husband either so that he said he's gonna have one assume that he Marotta Baba Marathi aka mama

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for eight and a half

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Maddie Murphy him and him at that at the have they prohibit him from performing sudden on a random basis every once in a while if they are so your father tells you or your husband

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you know don't do the Sunday after today just just do this instead.

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Hey listen, this is

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if they come and tell you don't ever do this on after work. You don't listen. You don't have to listen to them.

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Because he said if the or prohibit him from assuming on random basis once in a while he should obey them but of the year prohibit him permanently from escena he should not because that will be

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comforting compromising of the deed. A method D means the given Death to the owner causing death to the D it just means compromising the will be compromising the D that's number two. Number three where else does not that she not need to listen

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if what you're saying is senseless

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she does not need to listen.

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Yeah.

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senseless.

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However here is here is like a quagmire who determines what's senseless? Because to her it may be senseless to you it is not senseless. senseless in this regard is what normal normal

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sound

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sort of, like?

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Sort of straight people would recognize as senseless you know so if you come and have like five or six people sitting in the master randomly consider them come sit, let's come together. Do you guys think it is okay for me to tell my wife to stand up facing the wall and raise your hands for a for an hour?

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likely the five or six people will tell you no that is senseless, that is senseless.

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So the definition of senseless is by normal,

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sound minded people agreeing on it being senseless versus sensible?

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Where is the proof?

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Do you remember the Hadith that we started with that is reported by Bukhari Muslim family in America tomorrow. Verily, far, our obedience is only in that which is maruf

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is maruf is model the antonym of maaseiah or this obedience? No.

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The antonym would be far.

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Nuts, Marv maruf is the antonym of Moncure that which is

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which is repulsive, senseless.

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maruf means known known to be good, known to be sensible, known to be reasonable. So, it is customary, it is known and customs do change from time to time and from place to place. So your model is contingent upon the customs of the time as long as they are not in conflict with the text of Revelation. That is what model. So you bring

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a few people you will come to the masjid, you are in disagreement with your wife over the sensibility or lack thereof of particular matter. She goes to the masjid and she talks to some wise righteous people, normal people you know, and you do the same thing. You talk to normal righteous, wise people tell them is this sensible, senseless? You don't have to say that this this is happening between me and my wife because divulging Secrets of the family is is discouraged is extremely discouraged. By just like me, you know,

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talk about it as if it is

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coverings are your theoretical model.

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That is how you did we determine sensibility because the Prophet said in an authoritative model of that which is reasonable and it is not reasonable to punish your wife like you punish a kid in elementary school even that punishment is not here in American elementary schools but back home, you would they would do that to us or they did that you face the wall your hands extend like this into your hands become numb.

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I was not punished by the way, that way and I was never pressed that way. But

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they used to do that sometimes.

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That so that's the third one. The third one is that the commander has to be sensible reasonable and that is defined by the average normal righteous wise folks, you know, in your environment.

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But there is another one

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where she does not need to this and where else or when else does she not need to listen?

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If you ask her to break the ties of that that is under Mercia

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that is under disobedience.

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Yeah. 100 disobedience ever everything that's in this obedience she doesn't need to listen anything that's disobedience.

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Okay. If

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the matter if the matter, you know, is not

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benefits for anyone

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is not of benefit for anyone. 708 Amira mala Shafi scholar said that

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it is not incumbent on the child to follow the method of his father, because his father commanded him unless there is a reason behind. So the reason behind that like if he if he if the father is chocolate, he tells his

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son to become Shafi. And the son decides to become Maliki and instead,

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it may be incumbent on the son to listen to the Father, if he provides justification, he says his son, son, there are no medical scholars in this neighborhood. So you're gonna waste your time. You know, this town has nomadic scholars, there is no one to teach humanity method. So listen to me and go learn the Shafi method. He provided justification, then it then the son wouldn't need to listen to the Father. If it just a matter of phase, a matter of preference. It's not your life. It's his life. He's the one who's gonna be mad at yourself, or this or that. It's not your life, why do you have to force this on him when it is not your life

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unless you have justification.

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And the same applies to you see me the American law said that whoever,

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whoever says that a woman may be forced to marry someone. And that is not the that is not the previously married woman. That's the Vic who have not been previously married and some mother had she may be forced by her father only for the grandfather according to shipping supplies, but in a you know, for simplicity by the father only, she may be forced not by anyone else. And they're saying she may be forced by the father only because he may be more aware of, of her benefit and interest. And she may be too shy he may be and because of food, cuts, he because of the compassion that fathers have, it is not expected that he will make her marry someone that is not good for her.

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So that is the rationale of the shafa is when they say that he can force his previous the unmarried, not previously married, and not previously married. Daughter, but even if a mere human law says that he is if he cannot force her to eat a type of food that she does not desire to eat. How can he force her to marry a man that she does not desire to marry who will be living with her for the rest of her life?

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So he's saying that, no, she should not be forced. He may not have the right to force her to marry anyone even if he's the father, even if he has a lot of compassion because that Father

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does not even have the right to force her to eat a food that she doesn't like,

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let alone marry a husband that she does not like.

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Okay, so

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in this case, there has to be justification, there has to be some benefit for the child or the parent. So you just don't tell me, you know,

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for the child, or the parent or for the husband or the wife. So when the husband asks if his wife like anything, that has to be a benefit, either for him or for her, if it is none in have no benefit whatsoever, then she does not need to listen.

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There's nothing to lose, if there is no better

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where else does she not need to listen.

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And I'm giving you a long list of where she does not need to listen, because the default is that she listens, but these are things that are important to know. So that we are not transgressing, we are not, you know, trespassing the bounds

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because everybody has to have balance.

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If it causes her any, if it causes her harm, she does not need to listen, if the if the command closer Keep in mind, it may be

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in it, it may be Halloween,

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it may be somewhat sensible, it may have been a benefit for the husband,

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it may be even

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we recently allowed sensible have, it may have not any, it may not compromise the religion in any way. So it lacks all of the criteria that we talked about before, but it is harmful to her.

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And so everything he also says that if the father commands the child to do something that is shall

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that entails hardship, the child will still need to listen to the Father, and less it causes him harm

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unless it cause him harm. But what is the chapter that we are talking about here the hardship that we're talking about here? This is the hardship that is customary in the Kelly's in the religious obligations, hardship that is customary and religious obligations. So he isn't waking up in the morning, and making will do and standing up to pray

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doesn't entail some degree of hardship,

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that is customary and the religious obligations, that level of hardship is not the hardship that is to be removed in Sharia.

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Which we we say, you know, if I mess up or refine Masako, you know, removing hearts, it is the intent of the legislator to remove heart hurt

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from them Canada.

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So

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how do you measure how do you gauge look at religious obligations, fasting, you know, in the summer days, waken up to make will do in the winter,

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for fat, and so on.

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These are the hardships

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Don't tell me do you have is one of the hardships and that entails you know cutting off of limbs and you know, things of that nature, it might then get to your next your enemies might encounter next and so on. No, it's not. That is not one of the hardships that we're talking about here Do you have it was only legislated because because the

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abandonment of it causes a greater hardship than then that he had itself because when you abandon Do you have and the enemy

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takes over your your land and takes over and compromises your honor and

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all of the stuff that was done. In the past when people get defeated by their enemies, that is a greater hardship. So that is not one of the hardship that one of the average hardships of tech leaf that we're talking about. We're talking about praying, fat, waking up and making wudu and winter for fat. We're talking about fasting in a summer day. These are the hardship measure this gauge this and if the husband is asking the wife a greater hardship then customarily known

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In religious obligations, she does not need to listen.

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And certainly if it causes her harm, she does not need to listen. Therefore, we have five conditions where she does not lead to this

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marceia honey, this obedience, she does not need to listen, abandonment of part of the Sharia, even if it is not worthy, but permanent abandonment of part of Sharia, she or even if it is a son, she does not need to listen. commanding something senseless, she does not need to listen, commanding something that has no benefit for her or her husband, she does not need to this number five is commanding her to do something that is

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causes hardship beyond what is customarily experienced in religious obligations, or harm, arm for hardship that is beyond what's customary and religious obligations any any one of those five commands, she does not need to this

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one of them, she should not listen.

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Which is the first one, commanding this obedience, she will be this obedient to God if she listen. The other ones, if she lets him

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stop to hurt. I mean, if he can ask her to do something that's senseless, not amasian, but senseless, and she decides to listen, it's up to her, but she doesn't need this.

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Okay, so, this is the these are the things so now we know that obedience will get the woman to the level of sub the pins of the country will become a sub leka it will be set for her walk through any of the gates and provides you please. But this obedience is conditional. It's qualified, it is not absolute and mentioned notice and should remember it and should memorize these five conditions. Then, the next point that is very important to avoid chicag or to avoid this chord is

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how our tone in general. You know, in generally speaking, we have to, to fine tune our tone. Just so that it's a tone of gentleness, gentleness, in a lot of feet. You have bought rifka Hala is gentle, and he loves gentleness. That's what the prophet SAW someone said to her I saw the alarm on her when she replied to a group of Jews who came to the prophet SAW Selim and said to him seminar like and Mohammed let us be a part of your Mohammed she replied in her likewise manner, you know, and then the prophet SAW someone said to her Why do you say this? She said that it's here what would be said? He said to her that and to hear how I replied, I said wha alaikum

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Alaikum Wa Alaikum no Sam no hubbub no lon, I just thought I could let the same be upon you. So whatever greeting you extended to me, I am returning the see why they call that the same be upon you.

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So here, it's gentle. because keep in mind, while lie It's a matter of training, it's a matter of habit. If we give ourselves a custom to say the good word all the time, it will be a second nature. You will not that bad words will not come out right? You will not know how to say them.

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You will have a tongue tie where you're not gonna be it's gonna it's not gonna be part of your persona not not you. Therefore, they say a bad word or the curse word this word word word would not be natural. It will be very hard for you, you will need to put in a lot of effort. Whereas most of the time, the words come out on our tongues very easy very naturally spontaneously because of the habit.

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And we just got guy walk away from this. Well method Academy kashia Jonathan has to have a habit of auto submit to to cola cola Hainan Bay's near a beer and the likeness of a good word is like a good tree.

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The roots of it are established firmly established in the ground and the branches are up in the heavens.

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To cola cola up there, it brings about its fruit, you know, time and time again all the time by the permission of its Lord, you don't honor that, like, we cannot really imagine the the consequences of the good word, he just you just sew it in the ground and leave it. And you come back years later, sometimes we're lucky, you know, you could impress a child by a good word that will make a difference in his life, in his career, or a teenager or someone or a wife or a husband. So it riff riff is primarily the verbal, verbal gentleman's, because that has a great impact on our personal interpersonal interactions in general. So it is a matter of training you, you just need to watch

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yourself, if we, I know I'm branching off, but we have to really do it. I just don't want to say it and move on to another topic, because we have to really underscore the importance of it. We have to have a plan. It's just not going to happen this way. You listen to this, no one has a hand it is not going to change much unless you have a plan to basically coach yourself into speaking gently speaking only that which is good. Making your words good words can amplify you every word that you are Kalamata yerba can play. And that requires watchfulness over yourself, that requires self reckoning. So your watch phone throughout the day, at the end of the day, at night, you say to

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yourself,

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what have I said today to my wife, or my husband? throughout the day, in general, what have I said to everybody but but also if you really want to fix your marital relationship, you just read inventory, everything that he said or did to or with your, your spouse. That's called sin frickin. And then the next day, you want to catch them backwards, before it comes out. You don't say to yourself, I said to her today or said to him today, such and such

00:37:31--> 00:37:32

I should never say that again.

00:37:33--> 00:37:54

And then the next time you will you will be you will be attempting to say it, you will catch yourself before you say because you actually had a sit down with yourself and some sort of self reckoning a session of self reckoning with yourself. And now it is any it's here is in your

00:37:56--> 00:37:58

the forefront of your head.

00:38:00--> 00:38:17

So it that is how we develop that riff. riff comes by training, it does not only most of the people, some people are born with rescue, but a lot of people nowadays are really not genuine, the naturally gentle.

00:38:19--> 00:38:25

So it has to be acquired. And the Prophet told us that everything could be acquired. Did he not say that?

00:38:27--> 00:38:35

Where did he say that? He said no matter anymore that are no more intimate. Hello, hello manyata Amaya more than

00:38:36--> 00:38:40

happy to help hyalto manyatta

00:38:42--> 00:38:48

tyldum verily knowledge or being knowledgeable Aqua is by learning

00:38:49--> 00:39:24

when I came over to Harlem and being forbearing is by Practice, practice of forbearance. And whoever seeks that which is good will be given that which he saw and whoever avoids that which is evil, you will be spared of it you will be protected from it. So, even the very ardently sort of established qualities that we have, they can be removed, they can be cleansed, they can be changed.

00:39:25--> 00:39:40

And the beauty of this Hardee's this honey is you see what everything that problem solve themselves. You really need to pause, you really need to reflect because it just drips in theory is like you know,

00:39:42--> 00:39:59

these two qualities are not haphazardly put together Together element a tandem hammer to hand on this is not for sadza This is not for rhymes. The Prophet never did that. You know he was not restricted by rhymes. But the reason why he mentioned those

00:40:00--> 00:40:14

Two things very, very obvious reason because all sane human beings recognize the first one which is AdMob the toddler has acquiring knowledge by learning

00:40:16--> 00:40:43

and they dispute over the second one hand particularly held forbearance because most of the people say I'm a nervous person by nature have to say that I was born like that I was born short fuse and then they justify all of their aggression and all of their you know, misconduct by the boring shorts fused nervous, you know, and, and just like that

00:40:45--> 00:40:48

warm blooded whatever names they have for them.

00:40:49--> 00:40:51

So, the prophet SAW Selim is saying

00:40:52--> 00:40:54

as much as M is

00:40:55--> 00:41:18

that not acquiring knowledge is by learning him also forbearance patience, could also be acquire the buy practice, this requires effort, and this requires effort, both could be acquired and, and held knowledge and forbearance.

00:41:20--> 00:41:24

So, that but he said, but the handle to handle

00:41:26--> 00:41:27

you know, the, the,

00:41:30--> 00:41:37

the form of this verb is like the found the found means extra work, it is different from fit,

00:41:38--> 00:41:59

the foul is different from fed, which means extra effort put into the practice of forbearance. So he's saying that it requires effort, it requires effort, but this effort is worth it. And you need to train yourself until you get there and you just you have to gauge your progress over time.

00:42:02--> 00:42:10

So that's the undertone that should be there which is undertone of gentleness, ref, and here are speaking the good word and so on. What time is it?

00:42:13--> 00:42:13

Okay.

00:42:21--> 00:42:24

Okay, maybe I should have leave some time for questions.

00:42:29--> 00:42:31

Yeah, take some time for questions.

00:42:38--> 00:42:57

So the last point that I want to mention here, to avoid this chord, because there are a lot of points, you know, you know, talking about this chord, there are a lot of points. But the point that I wanted to mention before we get into the last phase, which is the phase of separation, which sometimes is an inevitable evil,

00:42:59--> 00:43:07

but it is quite important that he you know, half of the success of the discussion is is about timing.

00:43:08--> 00:43:22

So when you want to have a discussion with your spouse, choose the right time. Don't talk to someone when they're hungry. Don't Don't talk to someone when they are angry, don't talk to someone when they are

00:43:24--> 00:43:31

upset the stress higher. They just came back from work or they're just having a bad day.

00:43:32--> 00:43:44

That urgency to talk about any matter is not worth it. If the talk will be self defeating or will be counterproductive.

00:43:45--> 00:44:05

It could be urgent, but if you talk about it now it's things will get worse. So defer even though it is urgent. The first learn to have patience is calming yourself down, defer and let's talk about it when everybody is in a good mood, because that is when the talk will be

00:44:06--> 00:44:20

productive and remind yourself all the time of the hobbies. Because this this high is extremely important to avoid this court where the preference of governments or Sharia mahogany Javelin hallelujah Sera, Sera Sera

00:44:21--> 00:44:24

de bajo confetti ESCO preach,

00:44:26--> 00:44:48

teach, preach Nemo, teach the people yes, settle, settle, make things easy and don't make them hard to settle out on a federal give glad tidings don't cripple the people away. What is the Habiba? hadoken for the for the escort and whenever one of you becomes angry, he should stay silent. Whenever one of you becomes angry, he should stay silent.

00:44:50--> 00:44:59

And if you're not angry, but you know that your spouse is now distressed or angry, stay silent also, because any discussion is is

00:45:00--> 00:45:15

bilateral and don't make him or her, you know, lose it. If they're angry now just leave them alone until they calm down. Last thing that I wanted to mention is that polyp itself

00:45:16--> 00:45:25

does not have to be ugly. It is ugly, given of itself, but you don't need to make the ugly uglier

00:45:26--> 00:45:40

divorce, you don't need to make it uglier. A lot more attempts. And secondly, not often I would say from the outset, Allah subhanaw taala said, the verse is two times before the third, which is the final

00:45:41--> 00:45:58

half after it goes through times, you either hold them, or keep them bill Morrow, in kindness, for release them, they said, Yes, and is even greater than kindness.

00:45:59--> 00:46:07

SNS perfection. So you want the talaq if it has to happen, to happen with perfection,

00:46:09--> 00:46:22

to happen with the least damage possible to the two parties, and more importantly, their kids, their children. And so that requires and

00:46:23--> 00:46:33

people's character is truly tested during times of conflict, and this field, not during times of,

00:46:34--> 00:46:59

you know, compassion and, and love and so on. Because everybody will be nice to those whom he loves, or she loves. But people's character is truly tested during times of conflict in this view. So your conduct during the prologue will be more of a gauge of your character,

00:47:00--> 00:47:08

your compassion, your integrity, or righteousness, than your con conduct during marriage.

00:47:09--> 00:47:10

Now, let's

00:47:11--> 00:47:16

put harmony and compassion and mercy in all of our homes and

00:47:17--> 00:47:32

protect our families and protect our children preserve them, praise and goodness, righteousness, and make them come at a time or the comfort of their parents eyes and make our spouses

00:47:33--> 00:47:41

with our husbands or wives, the comfort of our eyes and comfort of our hearts quality of our stuff, everybody.

00:47:46--> 00:47:50

Is this something that should be recommended? Or

00:47:53--> 00:48:29

should she stay home or should she go out to work, that's a matter that has to be decided by mutual agreement between the two spouses. It is very, very important at the outset of things that we are transparent and clear about our intentions and goals and aspirations and expectations, everything we should really be clear at the time of getting married. And, and then and then afterwards, it should be a matter of mutual agreement.

00:48:30--> 00:48:52

Women are allowed to go out to work for their for the benefit of their families Muslim reported from Deborah alone without his aunt went out to take care of her orchard. And some men, you know, saw her in the way and told her to go back and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam told her to proceed, she had just

00:49:04--> 00:49:26

Okay, so if she doesn't want to work, then it is up to you to decide whether you want to stay at stay at home wife or not. I think a lot of people do like that. But in general, you know, so the prevalence of them said to her perceive and take care of your orchard, you may do something good and get some charity or do some good for yourself, benefit to yourself or others.

00:49:27--> 00:49:40

So the Prophet is saying it is allowable for a woman to go to work. Yet if we just think there's an isolation from all of the context, the context is that most women did not go out to work.

00:49:42--> 00:49:51

The context is that it is not a society where the children are abandoned or left for Nintendo or the TV or video games.

00:49:52--> 00:50:00

You know, or wicked friends or the streets. Children. Yeah. So it is

00:50:00--> 00:50:44

Our society where every woman is going out to work and every man is going off to work. And there is something called the elderly people, they're left to rot, they just, you know, no one would no one is willing to take care of them. So they just put in some nursing homes. And I'm not saying that this is always evil, sometimes it is just a necessity. But that is not how we should construct this community, where the elderly will be abandoned, because no one is there to take care of them. Homes are empty. The wife is a Korean woman, the man is here, man, homes are empty. So the elderly are not taken care of no one is looking after them, and the children are not taken care of, and the children

00:50:44--> 00:51:06

come back from school, and then they just try to fix some dinner for themselves. And they don't come back to find a mom to confide into, to complain to, to you know, have a conversation with about their difficulties, their distress at school, it No wonder we are seeing a lot of, you know, psychological

00:51:08--> 00:51:10

disturbances and these children

00:51:12--> 00:51:46

and issues that are happening at higher rates than they did in the past, you know, things just as simple and straightforward as the problem of obesity, obesity started to become an epidemic in America, when we started to consume the TV dinner. And, and people are not cooking at home, and people are buying food from outside. And that food is just tough to us, you know, unhealthy ingredients, and sugar and corn syrup and this and that, to make it taste better.

00:51:48--> 00:51:55

many problems happen when when we don't observe the natural,

00:51:57--> 00:51:59

you know, or their

00:52:00--> 00:52:22

natural distribution of roles that a lot designated. So for the individual family, yes, the woman may go out to her. And it would not be a you know, it would so if you don't have kids, if you have kids, and she is going out, you know, half a part time she's still able to manage.

00:52:23--> 00:52:33

If the kids grew up, and she would like to pursue a career, that's fine. Things of that nature, if you don't have people that look after, you know, elderly to look after, and

00:52:35--> 00:53:00

it it is case by case. But what what is an Islamic is basically to have abandoned homes, and to have abandoned kids and to have abandoned elders. That is not that is not a smart thing. After that, after we take care of what we need to take care of, then it is case by case.

00:53:01--> 00:53:10

So if you know she's been working part time, or she's working at the same school where her kids go, or she's working part time, she's still able to take care of her kids.

00:53:12--> 00:53:32

Or they she has like a mother that takes care of the kids in our grand grandma that lives at home, healthy, capable, steady, young enough to take care of the kids. And she's going off to work and then at least you know, there is some sort of arrangement that is working out for the family.

00:53:34--> 00:53:53

And then if she her kids grow up and she wants to go to work, and then she may go to work, but the principle is women are allowed to work, but that we need to be basically conscious of all of the obligations and all of the needs of the family when we make that decision.

00:53:55--> 00:53:56

Yes.

00:54:06--> 00:54:08

Doesn't have to be related to the topic.

00:54:16--> 00:54:18

Anyone wants? Anyone wants to ask a question about Jaime?

00:54:32--> 00:54:35

Oh, that's good. Things are clear.

00:54:36--> 00:54:37

Second, my parents