Channel: Hatem al-Haj
Series: Hatem al-Haj - Marital Harmony
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I'm about to proceed.
We started last time to talk about family harmony. And we said that that's extremely important not only because the family is sort of the
a unit and the structure or the basic unit and the structure of the community or society and the well being of the family is very important for the well being of the society, the community and the home of Lars. But before that, Islam came for our individual salvation, our individual survival, our individual welfare, the harmony within the family is extremely consequential to the individual will be in your own well being is very dependent on harmony within the family and everybody who's married, must know that, you know, whether you are the male or the female, the man or the the husband or the wife, you must know that that your well being is very dependent on the harmony that
you have at home with your spouse and your children, but primarily your spouse, because if you and your spouse are a good team, then you will know how to conquer the
you know how to handle the children.
And sometimes the children could give you both trouble but you use them have you know, a support Are you still have someone to confide in, you still have some someone to rely on for comfort and
for support with your task of bringing up children in these times.
We thought we said that there are certain principles that we have to be cognizant of and there are certain practical tips, there are certain things that we should be be doing to bring about this harmony. But before those practical tips, it is very important that we are aware and cognizant of the principles
that will bring about harmony, certain principles. If we believe in them, if we correct our understanding of them, they will bring about harmony to the family.
We mentioned two four principles and the last time remember them the first one was about being concerned, being concerned with your purpose of existence, being primarily and mostly concerned with your purpose of existence, your purpose, your cause, why are you here? What are you here for. And if you're truly, if you're truly aware of what you're here for that you're here for the worship of Allah to general inside the abdomen, I have not created the gentleman ins, but the worship of me and that you are here for a limited time period, it starts at a certain point ends at a certain point. And between the point of a start and the point of end, there is a certain number of inhalations and
exhalations, you know breasts that you will take in and that you will take out. And if it's a predetermine number, and once your number is done, you're out you're not here anymore, and your time is over.
And if you were truly aware of this, and you're truly aware of the of how consequential that journey is, in this life, you know, you're you're you're this phase of your existence, which is just one phase of your existence, he exists prior to it, you know, in the Harlem of Rome, and phase of, you know, the spirits and then the phase of the agenda for him inside the womb of your mother. And then you have this word that the phase and then you have happened barossa for your life in the grave. And then you have the hereafter the everlasting, the everlasting life. If you're aware of how consequential this phase to the next and the one after which is the eternal and everlasting, you
will be extremely stingy with your time and effort to wasted on disputation with anyone really with anyone, not just your spouse, with anyone. You are you're on a mission, and you have a focus. And so we've talked about this last time. And we also talked about something else, which is the importance of this charging your obligations before you're asked for your rights, which is unlike what we most of us are inclined to doing. Most of us are inclined to basically claiming all of our rights before we discharge our obligations.
So the province of Southern was asked about this and all the things that he said to do not Ludhiana Kumar
I don't know whether the electron you discharge your obligations to Dunleavy ally Can you do that which is upon you your obligations, your words about and then you ask a lot for your book and then you ask, what is alone Allah, Allah the document, then he asked Allah for your rights.
Your so your rights upon your wife, you ask a lot for your rights upon your wife, as a lover, your rights upon your kids, kids, your co workers, your classmates, haftar, you have discharging obligations. And that is the second principle that is extremely important. So if you prematurely seek your rights, before you discharge your obligations, you know that it is your fault, that you're not getting your rights, because you have not fulfilled your obligations. yet. The third issue that is extremely important to have a good understanding of which we didn't talk about last time is the issue of P one. And what PMI means original comunale sappiamo for the low Baba.
Men have a position of leadership over women a position of the gamma. And gamma is not just leadership. But if you want to look for a translation, that is a reasonable translation. But we will, we will detail what this word means, because it is important to understand the full spectrum the full scope of the implications of this word, you know, original common arisa men have a position of leadership over women did not follow the law because of what the law had favored some of them over others or favored them over the women,
while the mindfuck woman lay him and because of their spending of their wealth, because high made them Allah saying it made them responsible for their wives, then I must give them you know, the obligations and rights, they have to come hand in hand. And then glove as they say. So if you if you're better than someone with obligations, you have to extend some rights to them. If you elect someone to become a president, they have there has to be some presidential rights. If he's responsible for the failures, he has to have some rights to do things right, you know, to be the decision maker, otherwise, you can't hold me responsible for the failures without being able to make
the right decisions. And the same applies to you know, the the captain of the ship, the pilot, and the copilot, the pilot is ultimately responsible. So if he's not the final decision maker, how could you make him ultimately responsible for for the safety of the office play? ship, country company, if he's a CEO? I mean, can you have? Can you have two equally powerful CEOs in control of the same domain?
As work? People have come to realize that this does not work in any institution in any in any
In any administration, it does not work. The same applies to the family, do you think of the family is different? Do you think the family encounters less challenges than a ship or a plane or a company or a country, the family encounters so much challenges? So, Kay, Wilma, here has to be understood has, we should not water it now. We should not water it down. We should not say that to him only means that he's maintained our sustainer that he is a caretaker that he's, you know, responsible to provide for the family, but he does not have any position of leadership? Because that is, I mean, if that is my bias, then I don't know what biases if that is not, you know, basically irrational, then
I don't know, you know, what is it what is irrational. If you hold someone responsible, and you don't give them the tools, that means that to discharge their obligations or to perform their work, then then you're unfair here and this injustice is unbefitting of Allah subhanaw taala then we should not water it down. There is some leadership role here that is given to the husband because at the end of the day, if there is not one decision maker, final decision maker, then if there is not a final decision maker, and you have two people equally powerful in control of the same domain, which is family, then this unit is bound to rupture, to break down to break apart. It's bound to do Unless
Unless you know that
You have people to people that are in complete harmony all the time and have no problem whatsoever all the time how rare is that in in the real world, it's extremely rare. So until until someone basically
yields to the other.
It is not going to work, you know, it is not going to work. Because let's say, you know, someone wants to move to Arkansas and the other one wants to move to Washington DC. I mean, you can't move to Arkansas. This is one unit. I mean, if you're if you're a bachelor's and you want to move to Arkansas, she wants to move to Washington, DC, Eric, but fine, everybody does what they want, but in order for this unit to remain united,
you just have to decide washington dc or Arkansas. And if there is no process for making that decision, process for making that decision, that has been defined, designated by the divine,
then it will be up for grabs, then then we will be fighting who makes that decision. So Allah subhanaw taala spared us from this saved us from this, you know, continuous fighting and he said that I gave the position of
you know, haftar, the husband had listened enough to his wife, after he had considered her input, after he had, you know, given thought and justice to her counter argument. Then if, if, if they would have to move to one place, then he would make that decision, you make the decision, but there are some there are some
basically qualifications for this.
And there are some subtleties also, but before we talk about the prerequisite prerequisites for for this and the subtleties of this position, we have to be also aware, that dilemma comes from, you know, the same root word as to you, what does the you mean? Hello, hello, hi, what are you? What does you mean?
maintainer, maintainer. So, Allah is the user module, he is the maintainer of a Sinatra law, he is the maintainer of the heavens and the earth. So, a worm that is not only about leadership,
it is also about service, it is also about sustaining, maintaining, you know, looking after taking care of your family, so called Wham you know, poem also comes in from the same route
as karma Yakumo, which means to the
stood up, do you know what? This is? This is the one that Yeah, okay. So, so when it comes up, right, it's like he is he's constantly constantly standing. Do you know what that means? That he's constantly looking after the interests and the well being of his family. So he's always standing, it's like a servant, who's always standing by the master, you know,
just in case the master wants, like, a glass of water, or move this or that. So he's, he's constantly standing. So the husband is constantly constantly standing, like, you know, looking after the interests of his own family, his into that a hard job, wouldn't didn't require, you know, some reciprocity, reciprocate like some basically,
authority to be given to him or rights to be given to him to be the stars, has obligations and fulfill his role and perform his tasks with perfection as the caretaker of this unit? Certainly, yes. So it is the Sustainer it is the caretaker, it is the also the leader, however.
So what I'm trying to say is that our sisters need to understand that that
is not only about service service, otherwise, if it is only about service, why would anyone want to be married, just like why would anyone would want to be looking for his master, that he will be their servant for forever is and then he would have no rights in exchange for this, you know, responsibility, that work that he will be burdened with. So the sisters will need to understand this, the brothers have the same time. We need to understand that this position of leadership is not a position of dictatorship and the good
Leaders are the leaders that lead from behind
the leader is that give enough room for, you know, is their team.
Enough, this family is like a team. So you're given enough room for members of the team. Otherwise, if you are the sort of tyrannical authoritarian, authoritarian leader, people will just get sick of you and then the they will rebuild the matter your bill, particularly when you're dealing with someone who is your counterpart, your spouse, she is not your child, she is your spouse. So she is in in great ways your equal.
And she had just left her parents home to sort of have her own independence and autonomy, and to have her own home. And if she's just moving from her parents home, to find another father,
or you know, another parent have the new home, that could be difficult to accept and to live with. So, as the leader, the best thing that you could do for you know, the efficacy of your leadership is to not abuse it, is to save it,
save it for when you truly need it.
Like I said, there are many examples that I gave last time, if you know, where we where should we put the couch? in the living room?
Why do you have what why do you think that this has consequences, or this is extremely important, you know, to the well being of your family is lit the couch me wherever, wherever she wants. So so if you're interfering with small decisions of that nature, you will be spending from your political assets,
you will be spending from your sort of
repository of leadership. And you will just vanquish it, when it when when the time comes for like an important decision to be made, you will have drained or dry, you will have just she will have gotten sick of you and, and tired of your dictatorship. And then she will rebel and then she will be defiant to your the decisions that you made, where you actually need her cooperation. And you need her
feel to you.
All of this is extremely important
for us to have a good understanding of this position of qm and to have no extremism, neither from the side of the sisters nor from the side of the brothers. And keep in mind also that
this whole discourse is quite difficult for you know,
power sisters who grew up in the West, because whatever they are hearing is completely different from this, you know, the concept of poem itself is is is completely different from mainstream culture, where they're not hearing about this, the reason why we need to highlight
these matters is that they are very essential for the survival of the family structure in the well being of the family is extremely,
you know, particularly funeral for a minority like ours, that family harmony, the well being of the family, the cohesion of the family is essential for survival is essential for the survival of the progeny, our posterity, and if that is lost, then everything else is lost. So political correctness here should not prevent us from saying the truth and preaching the truth, because not saying the truth will be determined.
The next issue that that is important. Also, the next principle that we have to be aware of is the is the innate differences between the two genders, males and females and between different individuals
of the same gender just be you know, individual differences and gender differences. And sometimes also, there are cultural differences even within the same culture. Do you think that you know, if you're a Palestinian, do you think that there is no difference between the West Bank and Gaza in terms of culture, there are some differences. Do you think that all people from Gaza
They have that same exact culture if you think that there are no subgroups in because of different cultures and different understanding, different socio economic, not necessarily levels, but groups. It doesn't have to be stratified like this groups. And you're all coming from this tiny place. And you have differences. So cultural differences, individual differences aren't too different from yours, siblings. Sometimes the differences between siblings could be part could be enormous. How different how siblings that grew up in the same household, and they're are of the same gender, and they're extremely different.
So when you get married, you have to be ready for like, those extreme differences, you will find someone that is very different from you that thinks very different from you, that I have a different set of values or,
or not a different set of values in the sense that she doesn't honor the values that you are, you could be honoring the same set of values. However, you prioritize different values in different ways. She prioritize prioritizes certain values over others and the same applies to you. That is why the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, Larry afric, middle Mina, and Gary Hammond hold open Ravi Amina hamartia.
A believing man should never hate a believing woman. If he hates some of her qualities, he will like others, if he hates some of her qualities by African American woman means a believing man should never hate the believing woman.
In carry him in half all open, if he hates some of her qualities, or the Minghella he must like others.
So that would be extremely important. Because keep in mind that there are no angels here on on Earth, had an order what whoever whoever you're going to marry will not be an angel, and will have some bad qualities.
Not just you know, different qualities, bad quality qualities, because you have bad qualities. And unless you are aware that you must have bad qualities, even if you don't see them, even if you don't recognize them. But unless you're humble enough to know that you must have bad qualities.
Because it's a mixed baggage, you are mixed baggage we are human beings are very mixed values. We have the good and the bad, the virtual and device within us who has some bad qualities, unless you have purified yourself and you are you know Abu Bakr and Omar runs off man.
You know something your abuser and a Buddha and all of those people send men.
If you think of yourself this way,
that's a different story. But unless you are one of those, you have to really know that you have some really bad qualities.
So whatever the bad qualities you see in your spouse, just keep in mind that you must have some they may not be the same, but they are they will be son. So if you want her Him to forgive the part of them to overlook your bad qualities he must reciprocate you must do the same thing
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Okay, this is an authentic hadith reported by Muslim from Abu Dhabi alone.
Do you know when the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said is also Vanessa higher on Santa Maria Fernanda?
When are the same for other
fans after 2pm Oh, who kasanka who were interacting.
Baqi Allah I was. So when the professor said and said Be good two women for women are created from a bent tread. And the most bent part of the rib is the height as the top of it. The top of the rib is the most bent of it. So be
if you if you attempt to straighten it, you break it. And if you leave it, it stays. But
so how a lot of times people say,
you know, polemics or you know, apologetics, they want to apologize for the Hadees.
But you don't really need to apologize for that, if you just need to explain it to clarify what it means.
She was meant to be like this.
You know, you may,
it is actually the, some people actually think some people, you know, people that are into Behavioral Medicine, they think about women, thinking curves, loops, not straight lines.
To put your emotions above your
is a virtue for women.
Because to be a mother, you need to put your emotions above your reasoning.
When everybody gives up on your child, you need to be backing behind that child, you need to be supporting that child when everybody else to give up on them, even their father.
If this child is a wicked child that is abusing you,
you are the last sort of hope for this child, to find any comfort, or to put their trust in anyone of this human of mankind of humanity, the mother will be the last, you know.
And if this mother gives up on the child, because logically you should give up. Reason says that this is a wicked child.
And you should just give up.
This is a child who was abusing you. So logic says to the Father, you know, this kid, just I'm done with, I'm clear that I have nothing to do with him, the mother will continue, you see, do you see how the mother will be able to spend the entire night by her child, that home screaming and crying and, and she just stays up the entire night. And she It is as if you know, she's not aggravated by this. She's extremely compassionate still, and so on. Then a father's day with his crying baby for two hours and see what they do.
maybe it is.
And that's why the Prophet said in depth
to him okasada if you try to straighten it or break it, because it is not meant
for this rip.
If it was fair, would it do its job,
it wouldn't do its job. It is meant to be bent.
So the only thing that the prophets of Salaam is saying here is that they are different. And the different is very
it's a strong difference. It's a clear difference. So when you get married, be sure that you
show respect to those differences. And do not try to make her a copy of you. This is a hadith that is very favorable for women. This is hobbies in which the profits are suddenly started by saying spousal Vanessa is higher and be good to women.
When you marry her, don't try to make her think like you act like you behave like you because she is not meant to be like you because if she is like you, you will not compliment one another.
You cannot compliment one another in order for you to compliment one another, she would have to be different to compliment you within this family structure.
Okay, I noticed that you know I, you know, oftentimes people just like, get bored of talking about the principles. So some of the practical tips.
One of the you know, the most important practical tips when we talked about the purpose of your existence. If you're aware of the purpose of your existence, you will not have time to waste on disputation, but knowing the purpose of your existence is extremely important.
And what is even more important for this for the harmony, for the inside the family is the commonality of purpose is that you are both on the same page is that that you're both
you both agree on the purpose of your existence. She and you, he and you, you know, you both are in agreement. We're just here for a short time in this life, to please a lot worse a lot to please a lot to take care of our kids. And then we will die maybe we will die when we you know, you passed 60 or 50. Or before that, or we don't know this will come suddenly. So for the short time that we are here on Earth, taking care of our business, let's just help one another on this. This commonality of purpose when
if you do things together, that's why the prophet SAW some of these reports
that said him alone rather than come in and lay for some level of fame about another half. A man
cannot meet a lady for some Why? Because at Zoda Fein Abba,
mother have fewer children. So may Allah have mercy on a man who wakes up at night to pray and he makes his wife and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in your face. at me, Allah have mercy on a woman who wakes up at night to pray and wakes her husband to pray. And if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face.
You have to do it gently. Otherwise, some people are quite
But but extremely important to do things together, to come to the master together, to go places together, to do activities together to take care of, you know, orphans or you know, like, pass out food, charity, this and that. To have commonality of purpose. We are on this journey together. If we are on the same bus, we've got to stay together. And we got we've got to do things together.
That brings a little bit bring about a lot of unity and a lot of harmony.
It is of extreme importance. Otherwise, if everyone is it has his own mind in a different place, it becomes very hard, very hard.
You don't give up though, because as we said before, you know, divorce is the work of the same time.
As we said, How do you
have a Muslim or be alone.
And then the second thing that is you know that one of the second practical tip, and those practical tips are not arranged in order of importance,
even though the first one is is particularly important, but you know from here, it's not they're not arranged in order of importance. But the second thing is the importance of
looking good. And this is important, particularly for the brothers because sometimes for the sisters and the brothers
and because his sympathy for the brothers because sometimes the brothers feel that this is the work of the sisters that they need to look good I don't have to she needs to look good and to beautify herself for me. And I don't have to but looking good as is of extreme importance.
And the profits that are seldom said about the criteria of the good woman that when the the best enjoyment for for the men in this life at ennovata has suffered.
If you look at her she pleases your eyes. But that's the same apply to the man use the tube the AMA, things are
two ways not just one way. That's why I'd love to have best set in your Hebron artisan Americano, Hebron, Jamila Lee Nicotiana La quwata illa de la la la said I like to make myself handsome in front of my wife, as much as I like her to beautify herself for me, because Allah says, Mr. Levy, Allah in the model, Allah says about women, to them, our rights equal to the obligations upon them, to them our rights, equal to the obligations upon them of loving our best understood from this idea that things are reciprocal. If I want her to look good, I must look good, because then our rights equal to the obligations upon the world. Visit another era in that model of so oftentimes you find
You know, men in our homes, they never comb their hair unless they're going out. They never dress up unless they're going out. So their wives, the most deserving ones out there have their good looks, they never see them in a good shape. You know, they're just always in their pajamas, you know, their hair is scraggly, and they look to come in and.
and then and then when the when they're going out, that's time to actually look your best. And she only sees a glimpse of you when you just run out the door.
Anyway, so, this is an important point this The third one is is to be jovial, and to be you know, light hearted about things and, you know, so amazing that someone of the importance of the profits or loss and the caliber of the profit, the integrity of the profit, the height of the profits or loss would raise with eyes when she was just a little child. So Dr. Oz, analyzer salon,
Dr. salon, salon fussa, back to who Fallon Mohamad to lock myself back to who has a bakery, aka heavy butter.
So I raced through the process of selling and I beat him and when I became a little heavier, hi raised with him, and he beat me and then he said that,
that makes us even this one makes us even.
So that is that is particularly important. And I understand that some people cannot be jovial, because they're just by nature, sort of frowny and just angry looking. But you can,
like you want to say that I am just, I'm just like this, I was born like this, and really can't be any
more sort of
But why? Why is it I understand that you have like chronic pain for your family members, we'll need to we need to sort of
respect that. And so the they need you, as they say, cut you a slice, or they just need to like give you some room because you have chronic pain. But if not, and it is just because you have You're such a busy guy or such an important guy as to how you go to work and your work is you work hard, and all of that. So that's not an excuse, because no one has greater, you know, responsibilities than the prophet SAW Solomon Abdullah and it has the lower animals have not had an accident of asuma Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, I have not seen anyone who smiled more than the prophets in the Messenger of Allah, Allah. So you're not busier than him, you have no greater concerns than him, he
was concerned for the entire home, for the environment, the presence of the home of the future of the home, his concern for humanity, because you sent humanity also not a lot of money and we have sent you as a mercy for humanity. And not just humanity for the world's planet, I mean, so you're not going to be more important than than the prophet SAW someone more have more concerns than the Prophet See, you can afford to smile. And if you have chronic pain, all the time, and you're just like, you know, I have severe chronic pain all the time, you let your family members know, please forgive me for not being jovial enough or not, you know,
tearing you up, because, you know, I have chronic pain, and I'm really sorry, I wish I would have been able to cheer you up more. But because of my chronic pain, I just I can't
had if the if he if the if you do that they will they will believe you and they will accommodate your your your condition.
physical intimacy is extremely important also for family harmony. And this is an important issue particularly for people who come from our culture or my culture, you know, at home
our parents never sat next to each other because it would have been indecent. So like when whenever we sat down in the living room, you know, Mom and Dad they sat across from each other the farthest from each other who's possible
which made them all the time this didn't
like it because at home most of the time here
most of the time this
but physical intimacy is extremely important. The prophet SAW Selim used to line up the sofa Salah, the rose in the prayer and they use the you know, like
Swipe on the chest, people in the back. So people make sure that they line up. And then he would say like a 30 foot 30 foot Polo buckle, don't miss a line lest your hearts would be misaligned.
And the Sahaba used whenever there's a whenever you spreadsheet for the Sahaba, it would accommodate all have them because they sat next to each other that that intimacy, the proximity, the physical proximity brings about emotional proximity and emotional closeness and an intimacy.
And that should be very important for the spouse is
probably lower on her says, based
how often How often is the parable you gave to us of the donkey and the dog. It's a long story, his hobbies were, you know, but but but let's not branch off. So I actually then set it to the more party book and Bayonetta
suddenly for either Rada and yesterday, was originally for them to have a certain outcome. I had seen myself across from the province line across from the Prophet sallallahu sallam, and if he wanted to, while he's praying, lying across from the prophecies of in front of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam while he's praying and whenever he wanted to prostrate, he would tap me on the on my leg to pull my leg
so that he can prostrate. So, so, they have a small room, but it was not that small.
It was not that small to not have it or not be able to move away from him when he spray. It was bigger than that. But it was intentional. Because when people love one another, they want to be close. They want to have this physical intimacy, this proximity. So I love to the promises that she wants to be close even though he was praying.
And he did not mind because he loved it. And he did not he wanted to be close. So that physical intimacy has has a great impact on the emotional intimacy.
also capitalizing on every opportunity to show your affection and your compassion, woman hayati has
been a commodity and Moroccan American added the company and it is a science that he created for you. From yourselves mates, to endwell with in peace and tranquility and he put between you are infused between you compassion and mercy mode that compassion and mercy showed the signs of compassion and mercy if you want tranquility, harmony, show the signs of compassion and mercy all the time. And those are even the little things, they matter a lot. So if you work in late in the night and you see your spouse, your husband or your wife, uncovered, for instance, and you cover them and you tuck them in that
and you kiss them on the forehead, you do these things
while they're asleep,
even if they didn't feel it, that is good for you, it is a good practice of compassion because you need to practice compassion to become compassionate.
But if they really felt it, that will that will send them like a big message of love and compassion and that will be much appreciated.
extremely important also is that you should be supportive when support is needed. Not when you have free time.
Not when you are in a good mood.
Because like you know if I if I am aching now or I am in pain now. And you you ignore me and then you come Three days later and say no. So why were you upset the other day? I'm not upset anymore. Thank you.
So you don't wait until you have free time or entity are in a good mood. You show support when support is needed. methadone momineen efeito de matar amimoto Tofino
Canada hi david stockman hold the data whose arrow just beside your hammer. This is a decent amount of diversity in
the likeness of the
believers in their compassion, mutual compassion, mutual compassion Rockman mutual mercy for one another.
What out of him mutual sympathy for one another, Catherine just had like the one body like the one body. In this deck, I'm involved one, when one part of the body complains or suffers
the rest of the body sympathizes that just the rest of the body sympathizes beside you at home, by insomnia and fever, insomnia, and fever. So if your foot hurts,
you know, you're not going to go to sleep and leave your foot
awake, the entire body will be awake, sad, in some will lose sleep over the pain in the foot.
When Helman fever, you know, it's not only your your your foot that will be hot or warm to your entire body will have fever.
So, the believers are like this, they are like one body. And then if you know if your spouse is even Muslim, more deserving than the your the other believers, who then the other believers should be more deserving of your support when ever needed, not whenever you have time for it,
or whenever you have the right mood for.
And having said that, it is important to understand that, you know, particularly men, they need to understand that women go through the cycle their, their periods and so on. And during these times they do have there are some events. And people just, you know, you need to understand this. And you need to allow her to be tense, because that's just a physiological thing, they become a little bit tense, and if she is tense, you should be flexible, you should be merciful, you should be compassionate, you should be supportive, you should yield you should just give her room. And so, and if the man also is tense, because he had just come back from work and he had some trouble at work or
he stands because he's looking for a job or he stands because he's just had a fight with his daughter or his son, the wife should come in and comfort him at that time. And you know, and if he and if he if he is accurate, too aggravated, to be comforted, she should give him a little bit of room, but not leave, leave him completely, she should be around, tell him I am around whenever you need me whenever you need to talk, I would love to talk I would love to sort this out with you. And should you give him some room
these things are extremely, extremely important.
dividing the burden, the equitable division of burden the burden, it is not, it does not have to be equal in every regard. Because the burdens are different. And if and, and it is also important that we understand.
Like we men should understand that housework is not really much easier, it is not easier at all, then whatever work you do outside,
it could sometimes be much harder. Sometimes we would actually run away from home, because it is much easier at work than it is at home to take care of the responsibilities of home particularly if you have like two little kids. And you have to cook and you have to answer the phone and you have to the women have like a great ability at multitasking that men don't have you know that you know that men men are
can only handle one task at a time.
And it is also said to be fair to men that they will do a better job at this one task.
But women can you know streamline multitask better than men.
And I don't mean this in any condescending way but secretarial jobs are have been traditionally kept for women because they require a lot of multitasking.
They require a lot of multitasking. Women have the ability they have the ability to use the two spheres of their brain simultaneously where men use only one side.
At a time Thai Muslim Muslim often the left
and they can't really handle multitasking very well. But a woman could be cooking and taking
care of a child that answering the phone and you know, doing a couple of other things at the same time.
So dividing the burden, this is a matter of equity, so divide, we divide the burden equitably.
Whereas, you know, no, no, there is no injustice to either party.
When I was asked about the prophet SAW sent him at home, he said, Can I ask now,
what did the Prophet use at home, she said, Come out now looking at your cow. So
he used to do like any one of you does, at his home, he would mend his garment
members shoes and patch up his garment. And then he would also be if he may, not unabated, he'll also be at the service of his household until the time for the prayer comes in and once the call for that, he hears the call to the prayer, he would he would go out.
So, it is important to you know, for us to understand, because sometimes like, you know, sometimes brothers come back from work tired, and it is understandable that you will come back tired and you will not want to want to be comforted, then you will want to have some rest. But at the same time, if your wife has been working through, you know, since the morning and she is on her feet, since in the morning, you should be also considered. I mean, you should not overdo it. You should not try and give me this give me the you know, make me to do me this. If he is tired, just look at her, see if she is tired. And just like
you know, stand up, walk to the kitchen, make yourself a cup of tea, not too hard. It does not require that much skill.
Unless you make the tea The
other one is called Chai. Yeah. And it does requirements scale.
Nova Do you get it? No, you get the Lipton thing, the string and you just make it and just move on. If you're really in like Canberra, need for some a cup of tea.
So dividing the birth.
Since we're we're at a time this dividing the burden. Sometimes women feel insecurity, because they have uncertainty about their future.
There are certain unique, newly emergent, you know that the world had changed in the last 100 years in ways that are unprecedented in human history. The impact of this in family dynamics is just remarkable. Remarkable isn't isn't true. The last 100 years have seen changes in the world that the world has not seen seen for, you know, 2000 or 20,000 years.
So that the impact of those changes on family dynamics is huge.
So in your environment, the prophet SAW Selim women, you know,
there was scarcity of resources or an hour. So people were just barely fending for the sustaining their families, and so on. So the man is working hard. And he's providing for the wife.
They didn't have 401k. They didn't have retirement plans. They didn't have time plans. You know, a few people have savings. Most of the people that are not those few people who had savings, they used to give very generous salaries to their wives that they were able to keep. But in our times, in our times, if the wife decided or if they agree that the wife will stay home for the interests of the family.
And then after 40 years of marriage, the husband just decided to divorce her.
Should he walked away with all the savings.
Because it is his money.
here in America, she will get half of the savings, they'll just divide.
But that's also problematic.
What if they got a divorce after three years? She gets half of the savings. But isn't that going to discourage a lot of people from marriage club men in particular for marriage? Hello, wealthy men in particular for marriage. What
does Islam provide solutions for these dilemmas? Absolutely. You know that one la de la v listing is extremely viable, viable. The vitality, the flexibility that is in this thing is just remarkable, that which they will never be stranded. For means to revive and to renew that they have this
So what's the solution here?
The violin is not prescribed?
Well, there are a couple of solutions.
One is a judicial solution.
You know, so this is
the time of conflict after separation.
What the Islamic judiciary could do is that we could employ the concept of mortara keep in mind that the concept of Matan in some of them are that have motorized only for women who have not had their marriage consummated, and who have not had
a dowry designated.
But in some of them are they have motorized for hold divorcees
is for all divorcees and Allah subhanaw taala said in the Quran, that's the apparent implication of the IOM calacatta on the Model T, and for the divor, divorced women a provision
according to the customs, according to the model, according to the customs,
or the current customs, how can I
do right upon them. So right upon them, it's an obligation, I'm sorry, it's right for women upon the
God fearing men, it's an obligation on God upon God fearing man, to give them a provision,
if we employ this concept,
make it sizable and commensurate with the duration of marriage,
and the socio economic status of the family. That's the solution.
So you come to the sort of a panel of Messiah. And you say that this, we are now having this divorce. And if by mutual agreement, you decide between yourselves to seek arbitration, the laws of the land would allow you to do this, by mutual agreement, it is understood that if anyone is not satisfied with whatever arbitration they got, it is understood in the law in the laws of the land of them, they will seek judgment from the, you know, whatever,
the court, the courts of the land,
and that will be enforceable, whenever we say at the mustard is not enforceable. But if they mutually agree, then who would say to them, you can mutually agree, it's between the two of them. So if they mutually agree, they come to them say if and when I say give them, you know, come up with like, have reasonable resolution, or reasonable resolution, because when you say to her, you, you have nothing, just you know, for the years of marriage, you know, I've been out enough
to help you.
It is hard, and it will cause her fitna and her Deen and it may attempt her to just like, you know, to completely ignore what you are saying, and to seek help elsewhere. But if you come up with a reasonable resolution, that could be accepted, mutually by the two of them, dividing the burden is important. So if you if you're going to be both working, that is in case she is in case she she will
And that is what we can do from our side. But from the your, from the side of the spouses. Why didn't you give her all of that insecurity and uncertainty about the future? Why wouldn't you be putting some money in her bank account? Also, if you're saving for your future, save for her future at the same time? Put some here and some there. It doesn't have to be half and half whatever you guys agree on, but just don't make her feel insecure, uncertain about the future.
Does that make sense? Isn't that generous? Isn't that kind, compassionate with a lie it is. It makes perfect sense. If she decided to stay home to serve the you know, the family, if they agree that it is in the best interest of the family that she stays home, then she also wants security for her future, some financial security for her future.
And if she decided to go out and work
then it would not make you know, then we would say that the managers that are responsible
the managers that are responsible for
Supporting the family, but is that fear?
It is fear the man is responsible because we can change the design, the grand design of Allah subhanaw taala, we can say the man is not responsible for his wife, the wife is responsible for her husband.
But at the same time, a lot of not say that they cannot mutually agree on fair distribution of the burden.
If she will go out and work, and if she is like a pharmacist or something, and she makes twice as much as he does, should we force him to accept of her to go out every day. And that takes him away from the household, from her obligations towards the family, so that you'd be making money and saving it, and he's spending all of his money on the family.
And come, he's coming, he's coming back home and not finding his wife because she has like a late chef. And he has to make dinner.
And she is just like,
putting all the money in her bag. It doesn't make sense. So we have you know it.
renewal does not always mean accommodating
So it is not that we should always be hard on the man, because that is not justice. That is not fairness, this thing is all about fairness. We have to use reasoning, and we have to use logic. In this case, the man would say, if you really want to go out and work, then you may want to contribute this much to the family. And once you decide, once you say to me, I quit. I don't want to work anymore, I resign, then the minute you say that, I will be completely responsible because I'm responsible.
You know, and I have to support my family. So the equitable division of the burden is extremely important. Because without that, all of the stuff that we said before, being jovial, smiling, being supportive, and all of that without equal division of the variables. It's just not going to work.
Last thing is the basically the etiquette of the discussion.
And we said
we said that, you know the
the foundation of the family in Islam is what
Sakina and the wings are more than Rama, compassion and mercy. Why can wire compassion and mercy are the two wings because they need compassion in circumstances different from mercy. Allah said we're gonna have tea and Calico sort of room on it and
we're gonna have tea and Haleakala comilla
or jalepeno kamada tomorrow. My name is Erica Atilla komeito Coronavirus, signs that he creates for you from yourselves made the world with in tranquility.
To have comfort in them, comfort and tranquility or tolerate a commodity and Rockman he instilled the between you more compassion or mercy. When do you need more compassion?
In times of harmony? When do you need mercy? In times of disharmony and mercy. You need to be merciful. Even though you're resentful, even though you're angry, you need to be merciful. So you're either using compassion that isn't in times of harmony
or mercy in times of disharmony. But you're not going any less than mercy. More there is more than mercy. You're you should be merciful to all people, right?
You should be merciful to people you should be merciful to all creation. You should be merciful to mice. Even when you kill a mouse you should be merciful. You don't kill them like a long death or like painful
you should be merciful talk to people and all creation but you don't have to show affection to the mouse. You know when you when
your absolute affection to talk creation.
So my dad is is is above mercy. My wife is when things are right between the two of you when there is harmony,
so Mark de mercy. But
sadly this could relate to that.
tranquillity should be there all the time. Whether it's bad times good times, there should be tranquility, there should be peace. There should be comfort in that relationship for the two spouses, they should be able to find comfort in this relationship. Having said that, I think it's a discussion are extremely important for us to learn.
See when we talk to them about in the book about this verse from sort of,
first number 74, who's here.
one was here. Okay. So is just like a beautiful verse. And I'm not going to repeat the second clip, but for sure.
I don't have time for that.
you know, that when I last heard that I spoke about Rahim Allah whenever and the angels went after him in the interest of Abraham that we will go and destroy the people who have lived.
Then Allah subhanaw taala says for another Habana, Ibrahima Raja Raja demon. Kami root in Ebrahim Allah Halima Romani, for Amazon, Abraham Rama when Frey had left, Ibrahim was the Buddha and glad tidings come to him to live by beings of what having his half life glad tidings of having a boy had the angels, you know, took the fright away from him by telling him Don't worry, we're angels we were sent to the straight of people. We will not cause you will not hurt you not cause you any harm. That is when he felt you know, worried for them that I do not know Sara Lee in
Colorado in our scenario
so so when they comforted him that
they don't have you come loose. He started arguing with us about concerning that people have looked Ibrahim is doing what arguing with us who's speaking Allah.
Keep in mind arguing here means pleading, invoking imploring. He's pleading with us the spirit of people
pleading with us to spare the people. But still, Brahim presented a counter argument and ally called with an argument called the
Yet Allah subhanaw taala what is really beautiful here is that the next verse, Allah subhanaw, taala does not say,
or he has judgment failed him or something of that nature. No, he said in a Ibrahima honeymoon money. Fair, most Verily, Ibrahim is forbearing.
What how do you how where comes from our it's the, you know, the, the word that you say when you have when like when you're in pain.
The voice that you make, when you're in pain hallway, it's like out, like I found from Egypt, whatever other words people use when they're in pain.
So the one who says oh, wow, a lot is called outerwear. Which means that
so we'll stop here
the lens of regrettably