Marital Harmony #1
Channel: Hatem al-Haj
Series: Hatem al-Haj - Marital Harmony
File Size: 32.53MB
I'm about to proceed. So today we'll talk about marital harmony. And inshallah, this will be a series of maybe three
sessions talking about marital harmony. Maybe in the first session, we'll talk about some of the guiding principles, the importance of marital harmony and some of the guiding principles. And the second session will be about practical tips. And the third session will be about conflict resolution.
So marital harmony.
Why is it important that we talk about marital harmony, some of you are married and some of you are not married?
And certainly, if you're not married one day, inshallah you will.
But why is it so important that we address the issue of American harmony, I'll tell you one Hadith of the prophets of Salaam to tell you how, how important that issue is, not only for that community, because we always talk about things from a kamino or societal perspective as if the individual does not matter much. And we should certainly walk away from this we, we value,
the we value, the well being of the community. But as Muslims, we also value the well being of the individual.
There is there is a love stack that we put into the individual, not just the community.
So now whenever we talk about the importance of family, we talked about the importance of family as the smallest unit in the structure of the society, as if we're communist like, you know, we have like a structure and we're, we're ensuring the well being of every unit and that structure as if we are as individuals numbers, and that big structure. And this is a communist way of thinking that maybe many Muslims have been affected by because many Muslims that grew up in countries where they have been affected by communism, which they used to call socialism or whatever the cold, not that socialism is like not that they are synonymous. socialism and communism are different. But it was
communism in disguise.
In many Muslim countries, we are, we're usually basically told you that this is good for the community, this is good for the society, which is important. the well being of the society is important. But Islam also and primarily came from the well being of each and every individual, and the salvation of each and every individual, their well being in this life and the one to come.
So yes, the family is an important unit in the structure of the community. But the well being of the family will first impact the individuals that make up this family the Prophet sallallahu Sallam
said in a hadith reported by an hakon authentically nadarajah tabula rasa Ansari Hatton, faqad ohana, wala Chopra, Dena philia, tequila sutra laughter So whomsoever, like rants with a righteous wife, Allah had helped him out with half of his Deen meaning half of his religious commitment. So let him feel a lot concerning the other half. So let him feel Allah concerning the other half. This is very powerful, right? You know, the word shutter is not necess does not necessarily mean half by the way.
shot three means one out of two.
One out of two does not necessarily mean half the mathematic and half. It just means one out of two.
Do you know what this means? Like we have the heart attack button and the heart. We have the purification of the interior and purification of the exterior. We say this is shot and this is shot. This Tara Barton and Tara to find one out of two one out of two because we have to Tara's that the heart of the interior the purity of the interior and the purity of exterior. So we say that the heart of the exterior is shot through our eyes is one out of two parts of the heart. Does it mean that it is the mathematical half? No, it's not because the heart of the exterior is in no way have is in no way equal to the heart of the interior. The heart of the interior or the purity of the
interior is much more superior.
To the purity of the exterior.
So when we say shutters, we're not always meaning the mathematics of half, but it just it means one out of two parts. So a lot helped him out with one out of two parts of his religious commitment. And you could certainly sit down and basically reflect on what it means that a lot help them out with one out of two parts, what are the two parts maybe inside, you know, his home outside his home, you know, family life being half of your interactions. Usually, your interactions with human beings are either family interactions or financial interactions, business interactions, and so the family in terms of the interactions with with human beings, you're either interacting at the family level or
at the business level. So that's one out of half. Or maybe the prophet SAW Selim wanted to underscore the importance of the family life the importance of harmony with inside the family, they took portraits of the well being of this institution, this unit and the
structure or this institution of family. So Morocco long right and so they have tried to memorize as much as you can and if you can't memorize verbatim memorize the meaning. And Raza hola Ratan Tata means whenever law grants with a righteous woman meaning a righteous wife does that with the opposite apply Yes, the opposite will apply unless there is a reason for us to say the opposite does not apply then the opposite always applies.
Unless there is a reason to say the opposite does not apply. The opposite always applies which means what? whomever Allah grants her with a righteous husband Allah had helped her out with half of her Deen
I believe that it applies because I don't see why it would not apply you need to you need to actually tell us why it will not apply.
So whatever I am says that you don't shave the head of the the girl you know the newborn girl. He says the Prophet sallallahu Sallam instructed this concerning and Hasson he's a boy. And girls are different from boys. We don't shave girls, we don't shave woman's hair ever, you know, even when they go to Hajj, they don't shave their hair.
So I have a reason to tell you don't you know, this does not apply to newborn girls. But otherwise, it the opposite should always apply. So whenever Boy, you know boys are mentioned men are mentioned this would be applicable to girls or men and vice versa.
So Morocco long, right. And so they have ever like lands with a righteous wife *a, Allah Dena that Allah had helped him out with half of his the meaning half of his religious commitment, you know, so your religious commitment, your adherence to the religion has been facilitated for you you have the journey is done, or half of the work is done for you.
And you you've been covered for half of the work that you need to do for the tequila, half of Southern back if and then let him fear a lot concerning the other half.
You could always I mean, anyone who's married in this particular crowd here, would be able to tell how vital it is to your emotional and psychological stability. And well being.
To have peace at home, to have peace, to have Sakina, to have tranquility, to have peace, to have compassion at home, whether you are a husband, or a wife,
it is extremely vital to the well being of married people. You could, you know, if you have peace at home, he could handle a lot of stress outside, he could handle a lot of stress at work, you know, at school or work or wherever you go.
whatever other endeavors you have in life, you could, you know, basically live up to the challenges and handle them and manage them. But when the when the home environment is chaotic, when the home environment is tense, you're crippled inside and outside. Not just inside, you're just crippled all around.
This is extremely important. And in. And so it is important for us to talk about marital harmony because you're basically locked into this relationship together.
And it is extremely important for your well being. And it is extremely important for your religious commitment, not just your well being and dystonia, not just in your happiness and stability in dystonia. But for your religious commitment for the greater cause, you know, your, that you the greater cause of your existence, your religious commitment, your work for the afra will be facilitated, if you have tranquility and peace at home.
you're locked into this. And
the way out is perilous is dangerous, you know. So basically, to exit from that
It involves a lot of
turmoil. And it is usually very consequential for your life afterwards, particularly if you have children together. But not only that, even if you did not have children together, it's still consequential. And I'm not trying to cause you to despair, I'm not trying to scare you, or,
like whoever had like a failed attempt at marriage, I'm not trying to basically cause you to
regret what happened. Because we don't do this, we move on, we always move on, you know, the this thing teaches us positivity, you don't look behind, you look forward, and you move on, you start from here, and you fix your life from now, not from yesterday. Unless there there are certain things that you need to fix, like you have wronged people and oppressed people, and you need to fix that. But, but generally speaking, you know, you don't look back at your failures, except to learn for the future, not to sit and lament over the past.
So the way out, is to laugh is divorce and Allah subhanaw taala gave us that open to that, you know,
I don't want to say open that, but basically provided a way out of that institution, when it becomes a complete failure provided a way out from that relationship when it becomes you know, debilitating, you know, crippling, disastrous for both parties, it could become laziness. So that is why it's a lot that part of the wisdom of the Sharia is that law provided us with an exit. Keep in mind that this is even
in the this is more in the interest of the women than it is in the interest of men. Because in any failed relationship, which party suffers the most.
The weaker party, and this is not being sexist or anything but if you have not lost your mind,
you know that the weaker party is usually the woman and the relationship.
that the if there was no way out, then you basically you're you're locking those two individuals in this relationship and you have one party that is dominant in the relationship.
And it is a it is a failed relationship, but they are locked into it. You can imagine if this woman has to live with this man for the rest of her life, 30 years 40 years, however many years they will have together how oppressive that could be to that woman. So Allah subhanaw taala provided an exit yet when a law provided this exit, do you think that this exit that is just like a an open door? You know, you walk in you walk out whenever you want?
Do you think that divorce is permissible?
Is divorce permissible?
Okay, when it is warranted, divorce is not permissible. We usually say this. But if if you if you want to say that there is a hadith the Hadith is not authentic.
The Hadith says an avocado holiday on the line a lot or the most hated, permissible act in the sight of Allah is divorce, it is not authentic.
And if it is authentic and some some scholars may authenticate it or may consider it acceptable. At least it
does not mean that divorce is permissible, it means that it would be hated when it is sort of triggered provoked. There is some justification for
is basically like marriage. is marriage permissible whether MOBA must have the macro, it's all the above. Sometimes it is permissible sometimes it is haram sometimes it is macro sometimes it is weird.
And divorce is like marriage.
If walking in it takes all of those five legal values where the Mr. hub, MOBA Nakuru haraam, then walking out takes the same five legal values could be any one of those.
But per default per default if you're just at
so divorce is any any one of those, and the default is not permissibility or at least according to the HANA fees and agnitum is choice within the Hanbury mazahub divorces Hara
for default, basically,
divorce that is not just the fight
is haram. So the default for divorce is haram. That's that's the the position in the Hanafi madhhab. And anytime is choice in the Hanbury matter.
It makes perfect sense.
Not only that it makes perfect sense.
By reason it makes perfect sense also going through the the agenda for the proofs, the textual proofs, the Quran and the Sunnah.
Whoever said that divorce is not harmful, like, like if a man just decided to
you know, so he lived with her for 10 years, just got bored, you know, wanted to change.
He's making more money. He figured he could have like, a better wife. He bought a better car. And he just decided, you know, I wouldn't have another wife to suit the car or to suit the new house.
would would would that be hallette?
does it entail harm to the way
this divorce intend harm? Absolutely. It does. You know, it is devastating sometimes.
So if it entails the harm didn't the Prophet say law there are there should be no harm or reciprocation of harm he did.
But not only this, we're not going to only you know call it haram from the cowhide or the legal Maxim's, but we're going to call it haram from specific evidence, as reported by Muslim from Jabara the Allahu the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, in a blease, Yaba our Shahada, Matt believes puts his throne over the water. So Mabasa Sarah
from Maya Basu, sariah and then he dispatches his troops fat now men who Manzella ton of ammo home fitness, so the closest exam out of his troops will be the one to cause the greatest fitness
you know, fitness because we always try to like sit down and translate with him.
He will cook cause corruption he will cause deviation he will cause addition he will call fitna can take all of those meanings.
So if I have now middleman xerocon, Alabama home fitness,
magazine to be hot alfalah, cassava, cassava pool Masatoshi and
one of them will come back to at least and say I can I sort of kept an urging him until he did such and such and then at least will tell him you have not done anything. And Hakeem has another report was a different wording. But I'm using the report of Muslim because it is more relevant to this particular topic. And then one of them will come and say you
As if to be hotter for rock to buy and obey. And
I continue to urge him and it like caused a rift or separation between him and his wife, then at least we'll say to him, and now I'm and yes, you are the one here are the closest to me. You're the one who caused the greatest corruption deviation
and harm to that species humanity.
if you if you reflect on this hobbyists,
it just means that a lot is the work of there's a ton, right? Isn't it? Doesn't that mean that is Isn't that obvious? The lock is the work of the CEPA is the work of Satan a good thing? It must not be. Therefore, I truly believe in the position of the HANA fees and mais choice, the
talaq per default, is impermissible.
And then you need to provide justification, you're not going to provide this justification to the court, because it will be hard to require,
you know, that justification in the court, because the family matters are these thin concealment, sit concealment, privacy
zala will not require this of you. But you will need to provide the justification when you meet Allah subhanaw taala in the hereafter.
So if divorce is not the answer, then we have to work it out.
We have to work it out. And if divorce is permissible,
and you do have a justification, I lost them told you what actually happened.
So live with them in Morrow, and maruf would be
you know, a model isn't just another word. It says here in kindness,
you know, models.
Okay? Because I sit down and translate. Moreover, it takes time.
So live with them in kindness, you could just use kindness for now, live with them and kindness.
For him carry to mohana for San Jose and
Sierra. And if you dislike them, then you made this like a thing and Allah makes they're in much good. So Allah is telling you, even if they're even if it is weren't, and even if you have come to the point where you truly dislike your spouse, maybe you will dislike a thing and allow them make their end much good. Be patient, try to stick it out, try to carry on the patient, persevere. Because because you may think, and unfortunately, some of the, you know, some of that are on our days, they're trying to make light of divorce. You know, for men and women, they tried to make light of divorce, as if it is like,
what, no, that's fine. You guys are not getting along. You know.
It's part of the individualism that that is part of the culture, part part of the mainstream culture, individualism, like you're not, you're not basically considering the interests of the other party. You're not considering the interests of your children. You're not considering the interests of your parents. The divorce of the child is traumatic to the parents. So you're not it is this individualistic approach to life that doesn't you know, where people just don't matter it don't mind anything. They don't care about anybody else. So you're not factoring factoring in all of these
But Allah tells you to
endure and try to be patient. But then at the end, if it is not working out, then unlock did provide an exit if it is not working out, it is causing harm to the two parties. You you as the wife fear that you will not be able to be beautiful towards your husband, then you asked for it and if you are not granted divorce, then you asked for holiday if you fear if you deep inside fear that you will not be able to be beautiful, and to discharge your obligations towards this. You know, the family and this man. Then you do this and if you are the husband
venna li gave you the power to end that relationship in the most beautiful way that you can.
Okay, so if divorce is not the answer, or at least it is not the
first answer, it is not the spontaneous answer it is the last resort. And if it is extremely important than vital for our blood being as individuals that we have harmony in the inside the family, then we have to spend so much time
basically learning about this issue, we are to seek a lot of knowledge, you go to you go to school for four years, and then two years of masters or three or four or five or PhD if you pursue that, just to secure your career. And that is one aspect of your life but your family life You never seek to sort of educate yourself about this issue.
And Someone may say so why are the mesh if monopolizing all disciplines of knowledge and all discipline, everything about life? So why is it you guys have to teach people about, you know, family harmony? Why can psychologists do this? Why can doctors do this? Why can you know, thinkers of any walk of life do this? We're not monopolizing anything.
You know, if anyone wanted to contribute to this discussion, everybody is welcome to contribute to this discussion on HEC medalla. To the moment, it's not a Hadith, but it is an acceptable statement to the Prophet, the scholars sort of accepted and HEC metodologia Mormon wisdom is the pursuit of every believer
wherever you find that you're most deserving of it.
So that's fine you could listen to psychologists we just plead to psychologists to not talk about heroin and heroin unless they're they're talking from knowledge that they have knowledge you could be a psychologist then you have knowledge and Helen O'Hara. So fleet to people just steer away from the area of Havana haram but everybody can contribute to this discourse. Because we need everybody's input. This is a very vital issue and a very multi faceted issue. So we need everybody's input. Yeah. Yeah. You have to also understand the why does the religion have a great deal of input concerning this issue?
Because this was revealed by Allah The one who created this and this Deen was revealed for our well being our welfare and this life right? So if that an extremely important aspect of our lives will be overlooked by God will not be addressed by God
Well God will not
now that I mentioned so far and accept the leaf and
if this issue will not be addressed by God then the dean is incomplete
how lots of heart and our regular regulated family matters more than E regulated financial transactions
less than here regulated the area of worship
but more than here regulated financial transactions because basically the dean or the laws are about your interaction with a lot that's better and your interaction with the creation that's mamilla
when it comes to your interaction with a lie by that this area has been very regulated right? Have you ever been laughed at and these regulate how you pray how you fast how you make had in the minute detail
in the area of mama that
the the most regulated section of the area of mom and dad or interactions is the area of family and then the area of financial transactions basically, your mom and dad are either muamalat with human beings or mamilla with non human beings, your mohammedans with human beings are the two big parts, you know, family and business. That's what people do right family business. So, the area of family has been second only to the area of worship hid the laws in the area of family this this fear has been second
In terms of the regulation, to the area of worship, when you look at any, you look at the art of the Quran,
you look at the art of the Qur'an addressing the laws of family. And you look at the art of the Quran addressing financial laws.
Anyone who is familiar with the Quran would be able to tell that I'll address family laws in much more detail than he address financial transactions.
If you could also say that laws of inheritance for which the Prophet sallallahu Sallam called called that you know, it is one third of the the the the laws, you could also say that this area is also
pertinent to family not it is more personal family than the financial transactions even though it includes finances, but everybody would be able to basically see that how it is more relevant to family, you know, inheritance, you pass on your inheritance or your estate to your family members, and the divisions that are lost Matata stated with great detail in great detail in the Qur'an everybody knows.
So, this is an area that I lost when I thought I gave a lot of importance to So, it is expected that this area, that that divine guidance should be central, in your learning of these issues, the divine guidance, so as a Muslim,
you should reach out for divine guidance first, but it does not mean that how other forms of human contribution to this discourse are excluded or that we are monopolizing the discourse, other forms of human contribution can be accommodated, if they are not conflicting, contradicting the divine guidance.
It is also important to know that Muslims do have
that, you know, Islam is about submission. And if you tell any Muslim husband or wife that this is what God said, versus telling them this is what my professor in second year of college said,
or this is my professor who basically
advised me on my Masters told me
Do You Do you see the difference, basically, in the Muslims acceptance of the instruction,
which again, does not mean that we're rejecting human contribution to the discourse, we are not rejecting that, but we're saying that central to this is the divine guidance, because it is expected that divine would provide guidance concerning this area Given the importance of this sphere of basically human life. And it is expected that people will receive this with more submission and more respect, if it is coming from God.
Now I have you know, next time to Allah will talk about practical tips that will help us have harmony in the family. But today we'll talk just about some guiding principles. The first guiding principle that we have to be aware of, which is really important and central to our, the well being of our relationships, all of our relationships with particularly within the family is the purpose of our creation.
You just need to reflect on this. And we're lucky if people are
completely Cognizant, completely aware of the purpose of their existence, the purpose of their creation, they will not be wasting time fighting
over pity mothers with their spouses.
If no one would have time, no one would have what no one will be generous with his effort to spend on
trivial things, superfluous things.
Look at you know, look at the tragic events that took place in France last night.
Look at how quickly people were celebrating.
very tragic, very sad.
Very criminal. But But look also at how in the in, you know, this was the climax of celebration and, and France and people were happy to be people. cheerful
unsuspecting of anything,
and just within seconds 84 people lost their lives.
as Muslims, we should really be stingy with our time with our efforts, like, you should not have time to argue.
Why? Why is it that we have all the time to argue with each other as spouses? Why can't we just basically be a little bit more like intelligent? Can? Can we be a little smarter? And just, you know, be stingy with our times when our effort,
we should not be arguing? Let's just fix it. Let's just resolve it. And sometimes people argue over where where should we place the couch? I think the couch should go here. No, I think the couch should go there. And this can start an argument, how trivial is your life? Like?
How small Do you think of yourself like this, this is very telling of the smallness of your thought.
Whether you're on this side or that side,
it should not be an issue. And particularly if you are the man, if you are the husband, he should never be an issue. You just save it for some other
some other argument. But this should never be an issue. So basically being cognizant of the purpose of your creation in general insanely hard to do, and I am here for a short time, for a particular cause a particular purpose, the pleasure of allies, my main objective here, I am not going to be distracted. And I'm not going to waste time doing any of this left arguing, fighting, you know, spending my energy and disputing with my spouse, there are some inevitable dispute disputes that will have to be part of the URL after engaging,
but with my spouse, we should read in and be, you know, better than this. So this is the first guiding principle is that you should always be focused on the cause of your existence, the cause and the purpose of your creation, and not waste time and not allow yourself to be distracted by petty disputes with your spouse. The second is basically to know your duties before your rights. And we're always like,
we human beings in general are like this.
We always think we're impartial. Well, we're partial human beings are partially human beings by nature, are egotistic they think of their own nature, the interest, which which means that you need to put effort, human beings by nature are racist, you know.
Because racist is part of this egotistic inclination or tendency, you need to put effort to not be erased, put effort in like to work on your heart to not be racist. You need to work on your heart cannot be partial to not be selfish to not be egotistic. tribalism, nationalism, clan, ism, group, ism, classism,
racism, all of these things are manifestations of one thing at the end of the day, egotism,
because all of these will be circles surrounding you
because if you are racist, then you're basically not
cheering, another race, you're not rooting for another race for your own, for your own race, for your own nation, for your own clan, for your own tribe, for your own family. And at the end of the day at the center of all of those circles for yourself. And that that is why you root for your mother, like you support your mother again, it's your aunt and you support your antagonist, you know your neighbor and you support the neighbor again as someone in the next block and so on is all of it is basically circles that are radiating that are basically surrounding you. But you are in the center.
Knowing this is extremely important, knowing that I am by nature inclined to injustice
right or wrong.
Right. I am by nature inclined to injustice
What do you want to say? You're laughing
in the whole game of alumina hula, he was the loom, oppressor jehol ignorance.
That's this description of man.
Because the whole mentality, the they, they come from this egotism,
they come from this egotism.
So, if I am inclined to these things,
then I have to put effort, then every time I, every time I engage in a discussion with my spouse, I should be vigilant, I should be careful, I should be cautious, because I know that, unless I am cautious and vigilant and aware of my own inclination and tendency to work towards aggression, and justice, partiality, selfishness, then I would fade, then I will oppress her him
and I will, I will fail the test. So, being aware of this is extremely important. And in this case, you need to always be
reminding yourself, why should discharge my obligations before I asked for my rights. And then not only that, but I should not be basically
miserly with my with
with either one obligations or rights.
And why the Muslim reports from the London Road. This This isn't in relation to governance, the relationship between the governor, the governor, the governor, and the government.
But it is basically the general implication of it applies across the board, where the prophets of Salaam Salaam, the lioness Road to aduna La Via la come with a saloon Allah Allah de la.
So I do not know the alaikum basically, you discharge your obligations, you do that which is upon you your other obligations upon you with us aluna Allah, Allah, the electron, and he asked a lot for that which is yours.
First, you're discharging all of your obligations. Second, you're asking a law for your rights. So you discharge your obligations and after you have done this you say to Allah or better hablando managing overreacting Toronto with Anna mattina Mmm, a lot, you know, make our wives and our children comfort for our eyes, or make our our wives and our children comfort for our eyes.
For Donna lamattina, NAMM and making some leaders among the pious are the leaders of the pious. So he but this is after you have discharged your obligations, you show a lot that you have done your part. You have perfected it, you have done the sugar and then you say to Allah, now I asked you to soften her heart or his heart. I asked you to guide them to you know, treat me well
to guide her or him to treat me well.
But how many of us do this
and how many of us wait,
wait until they have received the rights to discharge their obligations. And then we get into this. Basically the chicken in the egg you know is the chicken first are the she's waiting because you're not you have not been basically supportive of the family.
finish this particular point and that's it.
But it is
this particular issue is extremely important to you what what you need to do in addition to this in addition to the basically doing everything upon you first and then asking for that which is yours afterwards. But also you discharge your obligations
completely with Sam perfection.
And then he asked for most of your rights not all of your rights as of the love of basketball this one will have one on Sunday for him and her Kameelah.
We will discuss this in Sharla next time but but if you ask for 100% of your rights and alumni Ambassador a never asked for my full rights. I never asked for my wife or my full rights
or of my wife
I never asked for my full rights from my wife. Because if you don't leave a question of safety a margin of safety a buffer zone, then life will be between you will will be a series of conflicts. Because if you want 100% of your rights and she wants 100% of your rights, then that fine line in the middle between you and her, we will never be able to not cross it. You will cross this way, she will cross that way. And then you will never be face to face anymore. You'll be back to back and you'll be walking into different directions by crossing the lines. But even if you were able to stand the Bible line, and you have the smartest and astuteness to stand just by the line, it will be
nose to nose all the time will be friction and that that is not life. That is not tranquility that's not harmony, that is not peace.
And that is not life. Charla next time we'll go over the two other concepts. The two other concepts are the concept of karma. And the concept of
you know, the, the concept of human nature, understanding human nature, the mixed nature of humanity.
So I'll leave this for next time.