Channel: Haleh Banani
© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.
Our last speaker
is going to talk about victory through hardships a lot sometimes or usually puts hardships throughout the way to test us and for other reasons. And our speaker on this topic will be sister Halloween I'm not going to push me off the stage right so let me introduce you.
For detailed bio, go to Hello banana, its Hadley, h a l e, h, banana, ba n. A and i.com. So hello, is new to the community relatively new to the community. She has a master's degree in clinical psychology and a good 18 plus years of experience in counseling couples and individuals.
A long bio Mashallah. But she's she goes on on on TV a lot at Disneyland international is one Hooda TV. She teaches at Islamic Open University. She's an instructor at lm flex and Calum Institute was also a host at L federal TV. A program was called with Hannah. She also provides counseling for those of you too embarrassed to sit in front of the counselor through Skype. And most recently, she co founded with her husband regarding magenta color, a program called Five Pillars of marriage. How many of you have heard of this program? Five Pillars of marriage? license free ad Sr hallah. Free ad free. So if you haven't attended this program, do sign up do attended do look it up in Sharla. It's
called Five Pillars of marriage.
I think it's very worth mentioning that she received an agenda in Quran recitation from Egypt. Thank you, Egypt, Khalil Ferran adonia. And then lastly, she's locally hamdullah she's active she's a parent at brighter horizons. She speaks at brighter horizons. She's regularly speaking at epic Ellen Irving.
Some urban but regularly on weekly basis at epic. And Ellen she's married whether Abdul Majeed Marie be and she's mother of three kids 16 years old 13 and 10 sister Holly will speak inshallah for the next 4550 minutes.
All right, salaam aleikum. Y'all have been sitting for quite some time. Can I have you to stand up just a stretch a little bit? I know I needed to stretch and I was good. It was a nice walk up here. Just stretch. want everyone to be awake? Hello. All right. Okay, if you could have a seat, please.
First of all, it is Salaam Alaikum.
It is such an honor to be to be amongst the wonderful speakers Mashallah that we had today. Very difficult to go after such a legend as a mom Suraj Mahajan. Mashallah. But really an honor to be here, you know, as
the smilla rahmanir rahim and not hamdulillah Nakamoto who in Estonia who in a stock photo when I was a villa him in Sudan for Cena women say it amen in a maniac who follow the law one minute little fella ha de la vie Chateau en la ilaha illAllah Muhammadan, Rasul, Ahmedabad. My job as a therapist. My job as a therapist can actually be summarized as helping people gain victory over their hardships. So this, they actually pick the right topic, perfect topic, because this is what I do on a daily basis. One of the saddest stories that I heard in the 18 years of doing marital therapy and individual therapy was one sister. She called me and she called from the UK and I was doing a
program celebrate mercy. I don't know how many of you are familiar with celebrate mercy. Okay, so the program was called transformation through tribulation, about how the Prophet sallallahu Sallam went through so many difficult hardship, but instead of crumbling instead of getting hopeless, he transformed. So she's watching this program, and as I was talking about it, she said, I want to transform. I want to I have a lot of tribulation. So she contacted me. She contacted me and started telling me about the tribulations and you can imagine what this sister has gone through. She withstood seven years of domestic violence being beaten brutally. She was she was brutally beaten.
She also had a son that was autistic. She had zero self esteem from all of the verbal and emotional abuse that the
Husband and the enlace had put her through. She was suicidal, she had lost all hope. And basically she was on welfare. So what I wanted to do was help her to transform. So no matter what you're going through right now, I'm sure none of you have it as bad as the sister and she was able to transform. And I will tell you within this talk, how she transformed and how each of you can transform in sha Allah. Okay, Allah says in Surah Baqarah I 155 Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim what an absolute one Konishi M and l hope he will do jewelry went out some mineral Amani while faceva Samarra wa Basha saw Berry, and we will surely test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, and lives,
fruits, but give good tidings to the patient. If you're a student, and the teacher tells you, you're going to have final exams, it's final exams week, right? That's why my boys are at home studying away ready for their final. They know, oh, you're here, what are you doing here you should be studying.
Alright, they know that the test is coming. They know it's going to affect their grade. So they're studying hard, right? What is Allah telling us that the you are going to be tested? But what is our test? And this is what I'm going to mention. First of all, what are some of our hardships that we endure? First of all, a lot of people are facing financial hardship, right? This financial hardship can really affect you. Now, all of you in this room are going through some hardship or another. There are some of you who may be going through half of these some, you'll find that you have every single one of these. And that just means Allah loves you a lot. Okay, so the first one is the
financial, and that can really affect the person they're in mind. And I had a friend of mine in Egypt, we lived there for about six years. And this, they were a very wealthy well to do family, and SubhanAllah. They had 130 employees. So much going on, but when the revolution hit, they had to, they had to fire everybody, they went bankrupt. So you never know even if you have it good. You never know when something's going to strike. So there's the financial issue. Then there's marital right? How many of you know someone that has marital issues? I think every hand in this room should go up, right? And that's what I hear about on a daily basis. People coming in with problems they're
fighting all the time. They are not compatible. They're like roommates, there's infidelity. There's so many issues that come up, and that is sometimes people's biggest test. And then others call in because their problems are the kids, their kids, they have done their absolute best they have put them in the Islamic schools. They have led a religious life. They have taught them for all they've done everything. And yet they come and they say I don't know what happened. My child became sexually active. I don't know what happened. She is suicidal. She is doing all of these wrong things she's in on drugs. There was one sister who was teaching her her son's five hours a day memorizing her on she
had put her heart and soul into raising her kids. And this son became a half as of baronne let teta we, within a few years, he became addicted to cocaine.
It's sad. It is very, very sad. And this can become the biggest test is your children. And the other one now, the newfound test is a sama phobia. Right? You can't go on the news you can't get on your Facebook feed without hearing about somebody being harassed or being killed being mutilated Something is happening, right? So we are facing a lot of people within our, with our society that they are fearful. And I find that a lot of sisters are trying to hide their identity trying to stay inside. And this is actually goes against everything that let's say Suraj or Hodge amongst Roger Hodge was saying how we need we are promised victory. So we need to have that confidence. We have to
have that feeling that no matter what victory is near, and nothing can hurt us, if Allah doesn't want it to happen, right? So it's all written. So instead of being fearful instead of hiding out and if you think about those, the three Muslims that were shot, where were they in North Carolina? Was it North Carolina? Where were they? They were in their home. So if it is written for you can't hide in your home, you can't hide anywhere. Your destiny is written. So walk proudly walk happily and know that Allah has got your back. Okay. And there's all
That hardship, their psychological disorders, right? So many people who are not even diagnosed. So many of us within our communities, unfortunately, we are a bit in denial, we are in denial about the depression, we're in denial about the anxiety disorders, about so many of the issues that we have, that our kids may have, and that anyone in our community may have. We think of it as a stigma. And we refuse to get it treated, and it's so dangerous. How would you feel about a person who does not go and get treatment for their child who has leukemia? What would you think? How neglectful how terrible? How could you ignore such a disease? Right? Well, the same thing happens with individuals
that have psychological disorder. Sometimes I tell you, these psychological disorders are more painful, they have more damage on a person. So we need to be be aware that these things happen. And sometimes this loss of a loved one, loss of a loved one. So there are events in our lives that shake us to the core of our existence. And those are the most defining moments of our lives. For the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was when he lost his beloved wife, his companion, he it his support, and comfort her these are the law. Now as I study his life, and I studied the way he dealt with what is categorized as the most psychologically damaging incident of a person's life,
losing your spouse, I am amazed by how he used the most sophisticated and the most effective techniques of psychology to not only cope, but to thrive and achieve victory, he really transformed through the tribulations. So the first thing I'm going to talk to you about is ways that we can gain victory, then we're going to talk about the psychological tools and the spiritual tools. So first way, the way to gain victory. One is to surrender to the master plan. Let me tell you a personal story. I told you, we were living my husband and family and I in Egypt for about six years. And I had every intention of living there until my little girl 10 year old graduates, and I wanted them to
be there. That was our plan. And we came for the summer. For a trip, we came for my son to attend a summer camp, and sopapilla while we were here, the military coup happened. And as we watched everything unfolding, we realize this is not a place that we can go back to.
We stayed, we chose to stay without going back. Without packing our home without saying goodbye to our friends. We basically stayed here with the suitcases we had from our trip. Okay, I have a little more suitcases than usual about like, Am I gonna ask my husband about it, it's always an issue. And so maybe eight to 10 suitcases. But that's it. I've cut down It was really much more. But I've cut them to make my husband happy. We won't talk about the number.
But but it was just close. Imagine summer clothes. And we stayed. And I felt like my world turned upside down. I had my home I had my holiday I had the school that I love. The work that I was doing there, the TV show everything. I felt the rug was pulled from underneath me. And all I could do was surrender to the plan. That was it. It was about understanding that this is happening and it's happening for a reason. And when you see that in your life when you can surrender just like a mom Suraj Raj was saying that you know that this is happening for a reason, then you can surrender to it. And that was the point I remember. My husband said we were in Ohio, and he told me come to go to
Dallas, check it out, see what's going on. And I remember that flight. I cried. I think the entire way because I was like y'all like you know, you know my intention for wanting to be there. You know, I want my kids to learn Arabic I want them to memorize for odd. I love the school. I don't understand, but if it's hair for me, let it happen and I will accept it. Show me a sign. So I was looking as we're landing I said maybe I can see msgid maybe there's a guy with a Koofi.
Some kind of a sign but Alhamdulillah Allah showed me much greater signs because when we came here, the way things fell into place, really made sense and then have the lovers
blessed to be in Dallas. And it's just a matter of surrendering. And understanding that there is a master plan. And it's happening for a reason. If we had fought it, if we were upset, and if we were sad, and we were fighting it, we would have been miserable. Right? So that number one is surrendering to the plan. Number two is acceptance. We need to accept the things that happen. Whatever your life, whatever your parents were, like, whatever your child has what's like, I deal with a lot of people who had really difficult childhoods, some have been abused, some have been physically beaten, some have had neglect all sorts of things, and I'm sure all of you are struggling
with with one thing or another. But you have to accept that that was the best for you. You know, when you're building, when you're building a, let's say, a high rise or a house, at any stage, and that's my husband's analogy, which I love. At every stage, it is perfect, right? It's incomplete. But it's perfect. So when it's the foundation is being laid, it's perfect at that stage, right? When they you can't sit there and look at that and say, and compare it maybe to a house that is already built and say this is not, it's not finished, you have to understand that every stage you have to go through that you have to go through laying the foundation in order to put the pillars right. And
that's happening in our life. And sometimes there has to be a demo, right? If your house has to be demolished in order to be reconstructed. Because when your house you know, those shows that they have that the house is falling apart, can they start renovating it? What do they do first? They demolish it, and they demolish it. And if that person starts crying at the at the time that they're demolishing No, don't break the walls, no, don't crush it. How is that going to affect them? They have to keep in mind that this is the process. This is a stage we have to go through in order for what?
The house to be renovated so many times and many of you right now may be going through that demo process, emotionally, physically, maybe financially, maybe spiritually, you're in a crisis right now. And you're going through that demo, the houses being torn down. But guess what? What's the good news?
It's going to be rebuilt, right? It's going to be rebuilt. So you have to have that hope. You can't be crying when the house is being demolished, because you know, it's going to be rebuilt. So that's that's the focus, then, knowing that there is a wisdom. When you know that things are not happening haphazardly. It's not just a coincidence, it is all part of what a master plan. And when you know that this master plan is designed by Allah and he wants what's best for you, you have no choice but to surrender, right? It just makes you that much more confident and peaceful. When you know that there is there is that master plan
and see your hardship as a way of rising in rank. You know, we're so like, Who was it that was saying that we're so competitive so much amongst us? We're so competitive, right? We want to have the highest GPA, we want to get into the best schools. We want to have the highest rank be the CEO of a company. We want all of that. However, what about competing in getting the highest rank in genda was such a big bonus. boon. Ola, Cal mokara Boone, Fiji nuttin.
So why don't we compete in doing the good and to reach for those ranks? Right. And I remember when I started becoming more practicing one of the halaqa I attended, it was filled with the most sincere sisters, and the sisters were so driven, so driven for the dean, and they were competing in good deeds, we all compete it, but it was in such a love for the sake of Allah, that it totally inspired me. So if we compete for that, compete for the fact that in Jannah, your status is going to be higher. So if you're going through hardship with your spouse, if you have financial issues, if you are suffering with your kids, and you're being patient, and you're dealing with this well then just
think of your your ranks your spiritual ranks raising. Okay, now I'm going to give you some of the psychological tools that I gave that sister, the sister
Who is suicidal? The sister that felt like she had no hope and no self esteem. One of the things is first of all, reframing. reframing is when you look at something, and you look at it from a different angle, you look at it and you think to yourself, what is good about the situation? Okay? And that is so critical, the most optimistic people, I could say, my mom was probably the queen of optimism, Mashallah. And that is something that she instilled in me is to look for the positive thing. And whatever happens, everything that happens, just like what am I'm Suraj? Well, Hutch was saying that, yes, there may be some attacks on Muslims. But guess what, so many people are learning
about what I remember, like 20 years ago, even if you said, You're from the Middle East, they had no idea where that was, they were thrown off right? Now, not only do they know, the Middle East, they know the Sharia law. They know her job. They know all these vocabulary words. I never dreamed that the average most of the average non Muslim would know these things, right? So it's all happening for the right reason to reframe, reframe. So take a situation just like this, what's happening right now and think what's good about it? The second tool, the second, so first tool is what?
reframe, look at it from the positive angle. And this is about everything in your, in your marriage in your life right now, in your business. Second thing is ask powerful questions. The questions that you ask, or the questions you fail to ask, will define your future. So the questions you ask, let's say, if you ask what's good about this situation, what's good about it, and I asked this from to my clients, and I say what's good about your situation, they get frustrated, sometimes, there's nothing good about it, I just got a divorce, there's nothing good. I just lost my job. And at first, they're frustrated, they don't say anything good about it. But then as they start reflecting, they will give
me a list of sometimes 10 things, let's say the example of someone getting a divorce. And that's a painful thing to go through. But they will say, you know what, I learned that I was being very selfish, I was very possessive. I was being controlling, or that I allowed that person to take advantage of me, I'm never going to let that happen again, I became a stronger person. So suddenly, there's this long list of benefits from this incident.
And then you can say, what can I learn from the situation? What can I learn? What can we learn from this Islamophobia, we have to learn that we got to be proud of what we're going through that we have to be strong and face it and know how to deal with these things, right? And how can I improve? These are empowering questions, because what do we usually ask when something bad happens? Why me? Why does this always have to happen? Why does all and we whine and we nag and we get very frustrated. But if we ask, you know, how can I learn from this? How can I improve, then it's empowering.
And this next thing so we said first psychological tool, reframing good and you're not taking notes and you're remembering that's really good. All right, second,
ask powerful questions. Third, is to remain optimistic. And this is a really challenging thing to do. Many people were raised with a lot of negativity. Many people have that nature of being pessimistic. This is much louder. I think this is why their moms Suraj was doing right. Alright, so but the main thing is to remain optimistic. What does the law say? And I want you to look at this first and listen for the meaning of what Allah is comparing pessimism to. Okay. I love to use this first because it's very powerful. Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim. Yeah, Benny Yeah, the Habu fetter has Sumi usofa, Effie, he will at I assume in rohilla in hula, I assume Suman Rao Hila Hillel como el
cafe rude. So it says All My Sons go and find out about Joseph and his brother and despair, not of the relief of Allah. Indeed, no one despairs of the relief of Allah except, except to
coffee through the disbelieving people. So if you are hopeless, if you feel sad if you're pessimistic, and if you feel like there is no hope you're being compared to a disbeliever. Right? So as a believer, we have no choice but to be optimistic, no choice. If that's your personality to be pessimistic, you got to change it because we don't want to fall into this camp.
aghori right. Now, I'm going to give you some of the spiritual tools spiritual tool.
One of the, you know, a lot of times people question how do I know if I'm on the right track? Now I'm going to give you a litmus test. This is a test that you can see how is your aim? on what level? What grade are you going to get as your eemaan? Okay? The litmus test is your first reaction to a calamity. I want you to right now think back to the last calamity you had in your life. The last calamity. You don't need to share.
But just think back about it. What was your reaction? Whatever your reaction was, says a lot about your level of emotion. There are some people as soon as calamity hits. What do they do? Oh my god, they freak out. They're hysterical. They're hopeless, they're angry, right? But then you find there those individuals that with a calamity. They accept, they understand. Right? So that is a great litmus test. And I'll give you an example of actually, it's my husband's uncle, who got into a really bad accident. Imagine those, you know, the mountains in Lebanon, and how curvy and dangerous they are. He got into a car accident. He broke every bone in his body, every bone and he's a really
religious man, Mashallah very devout, you know, prays all the time, fast Mondays and Thursdays, and his eemaan really shine through with this test. Because as he got tested, he could not move. He was in the hot every bone, you know, just hanging the way that you see in the movies, right? And yet, he always had a smile. He always said Alhamdulillah And not only that, he was comforting all the people who they came to visit him and they're crying and they're like you for it. Are you gonna live Are you gonna move how's everything, and he was joking and making them laugh. And he had that emaan and Mashallah, he's told me that his only wish was to be able to crawl to the bathroom and take care of,
you know what he had to do on his own, because he had a new wife. And he had to deal with that. And now and hamdulillah restored his health. He can he walks with a cane and he's fully recovered. But look at how any mind of being able to accept something that is so difficult. Another example, is of a friend of ours that told us, a friend of a friend, who in in Jordan, he actually is actually a very sad and disheartening story. But the the man in it is incredible.
This woman was cooking in her kitchen, she was cooking, and she had her food on the stove, like many of us do. And her neighbor called out to her, she went out, she started talking, she got distracted. The next thing you know, the house is on fire, the house is on fire. It burns completely down. Now, that's not the only tragedy. The tragedy is their three kids were inside.
And what do you think? What do you think the husband did when he found out? What would you do? If you found out that your wife had burned down the house? What How would be your reaction to such a tragedy? He came in, he saw the house burned. He walked and he actually saw that in the I think it was in the kitchen that the the older one was protecting the younger one, and they were charred. They were charged and he saw that he went immediately to the masjid. And he prayed to rakats Shakur to record shocker that this is the color of Allah and I accept the father of Allah. That that's, that's amazing. That's a phenomenal like he passed the litmus test, like an amazing way. So this
idea of your first reaction to a calamity to be 100 Allah, that I know this is best. And I know that this is what Allah accepts. And we have to remember, at every stage is perfect. It's like a building, right?
So that was the spiritual tool. Number one is what
your first reaction to a calamity needs to be that of acceptance. And yeah, being accepting of it. The second is that acceptance of the acceptance of the other another story that always touches my heart. When I was living in Dubai, I had a friend that she had a three year old son and his three year old son. They had gotten a house with a swimming pool. They put the fence they tried to do all the right things, protect protect their kids.
But someone had left the gate open. The gate was open. The three year old when jumped into the pool and drowned. she drowned. So when I met her, she was devastated as a young couple very successful. They had it all. And Allah tested them took away this blessing of their son. And how did they react to this initially they were devastated because they weren't as practicing. They started coming to classes. I was doing classes there we started talking, and she decided her and her husband to go to Hajj. She went on Hajj, she put on the hijab, and a month later, she was pregnant with another baby boy, upon Allah. And you know, that it's been maybe eight or nine years now that this happened every
year that it's the anniversary of his death. She is she falls apart. However, she's like this was a mercy in disguise, because of the fact that her son died. She turned back to Allah. She put on the hijab, she got a new chance, a new lease. So we have to realize that these others as painful as anything is, it is a mercy. It's a mercy.
wasa Sakura, who shy
Iran like home was
to help push a genre like home, while La Jolla, la toma de la moon that we have to realize there might be something you really really love. I can give you the example of a client that I had, she really wanted to marry this. This guy she was engaged to. She was she just thought he was a dream guy. Right, her dream man. And two weeks before the wedding, he called it off. He called it off and she was she was devastated. Like my God, my dream. She had planned the wedding everything. And I you know, I kept telling her there's gonna be there's gonna be someone else to that. But I just want Matt. Matt is the guy for me. And she was she couldn't get over it. But what happened upon Allah is
that, through this process, she became so committed to Allah. She was not practicing, she had gotten to a point of actually co for because of the things that had happened in her life. She came back to the deen, she transformed herself. And just a few months ago, she sent me wedding pictures. And she goes, You know what, how that you were right. There was a guy better than athma. And I'm marrying him. So Subhanallah You have to trust that things happen for the right reason. And the last thing is to realize that you are never burdened with more than you can handle, you're never burden. And that is that is so comforting. Law, you can live for law, who enough son in law was Aha, right. And when
you realize that, whatever it is, that Allah has given you, he believes in you, he knows you have what it takes, it's kind of like having a coach, let's say a coach for for the Olympics. Would that coach spend time with someone who doesn't have any potentials? No, they will push that person they feel has the potential, but just needs that extra push. So when Allah gives you something when you are tested, whether it's with your kids, with your husband, with the finances, with whatever situation you're going through, he knows you have what it takes. And when you believe in yourself, because Allah believes in you. That's what gives you the strength. So just to recap, we have the we
have the psychological tools, which we said his reframing, looking at things from a different angle. There's asking powerful questions, remaining optimistic, right? And then the spiritual tools his
first reaction needs to be a positive one, right acceptance, accepting the other and also realizing that you're never ever burden with more than you can bear so in sha Allah that we can turn all of our hardships into a source of victory not just for us, but for our communities and for the oma at large so it's like a lot hare Salaam Alaikum.
We have a phone here for sale.
Actually, there's another phone that someone had misplaced and I kept it with me on purpose is to convince you that you can live without it. Getting
someone's one. So in conclusion that no halen It was a very interesting
Thing set of speakers I did not have to remind anyone that we're out of time. So that's impressive. We had some time allotted for for question and answer but our speakers have have left. So he said Allah is the only one. You guys can ask questions inshallah, one on one. In conclusion, I just wanted to say that
one before conclusion, there's finally there's last at the end, and then there's In conclusion, so on behalf of everyone who has has had a
token of appreciation to current Zealand
and what are the creme de la fere? Behind every great woman is a great husband right
Yes, ma'am. Yes. So two things handled are the sessions were recorded, a man is going to upload them inshallah with the next 24 hours, right, maybe. So we recorded them and they should be they should be uploaded soon. We have your cell phone numbers, we're going to contact you get your emails and add yourself to our list. And lastly, word of Thank you deserve Mohan for our volunteers. Led by sister and aseema hammer desert low Haven and the team I'm not gonna list them. Desert Mahalo for our speakers without Rami.
He has a PhD from Valley Ryan's mom. Suraj all the way from Brooklyn and sister Hannah from Ellen, from Ellen. Anything else before I wrap up organizers? Robin
Yes, so as a reminder,
yeah, as a reminder, inshallah, we're going to have our first ever Muslims Got Talent. So we're gonna be having auditions. If anyone has a special talent, whatever it is, come forward, audition is next week. inshallah and then December the 30th. We're going to have the big night with brother Omar, Omar Reagan inshallah presenting we have the flyers if you're interested in knowing more and a lot happening on weekly basis do join us deserve Mohan escolares doesn't accept this. This time and effort you put to learn in our scales of hassanal deserve more halal masala loss and nom hamdulillah Elio Savio, salam, next learn and then Salatin, Russia if we can stack those chairs again on the
side. Whether If man is not here,
stack the chairs.
Yeah, so let's stack the chairs and shell on piles of 10 as we get ready for salon is that located on Santa Monica?