An Islamic Look At Bereavement.
Channel: Haifaa Younis
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salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah while he was talking to a woman who Allah, what Muslim Nehemiah and found now and find out FEMA and lantana in the Kissimmee on would you withdraw money out to become an MLA amfa or Kobe later on I've seen letters about what do I lose SMA or vanilla was bad It had a ton I will have an amulet on cut off my inner content will have rubbish rattling solder us sadly, only one of the 10 melissani of our poly Welcome again to our Tuesday night program at lucky would you for joining us Matt last pantalla put Baraka in the time. May Allah Subhana Allah make us of those who listen to the word of
admonition and follow what your BIA mean. And we have lost pantalla rewards everyone who is working to get this program online you'll be I mean today, it's going to be a little bit different program. We have an amazing a different guest for us. And before we I bring her in and introduce her which she doesn't need an introduction, we need to look at something which is the title it's the stomach view of bereavement, of sorrow, of sadness of loss, is that even something islamically have been addressed. Is it something we see it in the Quran? Is it something we see it in sooner? Is it something we look when we go through these difficult times and everybody will go through this
difficult time? Do we have the solution in the Quran and the Sunnah and as I was looking into this question in the last pantalla abroad the following verses in the Quran, and a was Pantanal, salty Baccarat and he said the following will in a blue one. Be shading in a hole when you do a we're not also mineral and why you will unforeseen Mr. Murat overshoe Sabri for sure. This one was a well and ugly one. We will test you and he used plural, everybody wish a little bit without a whole field or Judah hunger. We're not both seen and less on loss when accessing meaning and why you went unforeseen with the Murat, wealth, life and frauds vegetations which also can be looked at as
business analysts as well in a blue one that you will be tested. So it's a test, something going to happen. Some of this and not everything. Some of it could be all of it, but not all of it at one time. And Allah says give Dr. tiding to those who are patient, those who alladhina either asaba tomasa are you in Nigeria, Natalie here Rajon, those who will be afflicted by a loss by a calamity first income of their mouths? First thing come out of their mouth in number 11 Natalie hirato we belong to Allah and we Allah will return you will look at a specific loss in the Quran. And absolutely, who else will come to our mind, but say news of Satan, they are all inside the use of
chapter in the Quran, where he lost his two children lost them. And what did he said in the mash cubicity was needed a law. I complain and I tell a lot about my pain and sorrow. That means pain and sorrow. And then he actually left or moved away from his children, right? And he said yeah, SFR Allah use of whoa, I'm so sad, on the loss of use of and he controlled his soul and cedar, the mother of saying no more so when so you know, when she threw him as a baby in the river was Mustafa river was a distant sort of fossils, and the heart of the mother of Moses become empty of any everything or anything, but the remember is of same numbers. So basically, loss bereavement is
something absolutely part of our life, part of our teaching, something we all gonna go through. The question is, what does Islam teaches me? What does my religion tell me to do? And nobody more qualified and I will say this word to speak about this subject but somebody who not only 100 level blind May Allah bless her with the stomach knowledge but somebody who wants you through it as a person on a personal level, when you speak from theory is something but when you go through it, as they say, or their mom always tells you, you know about the honey, but it's a completely different when you taste the honey. So I'm going to hear without any further ado, I will bring my dear friend
and our beloved Shahada and assist
And a guest speaker with Jana Institute for this coming semester. She has a newborn sorry she's joining us from Tennessee. She has a welcome as always lovely to have you It's a pleasure and honor to have you with us. And without further ado, I want you to go ahead and share with us and I'm looking forward to learn from Miss Miller
Thank you so much. Our beloved Shayla Hey fat, Shayla doctor Hey fat, so happy to be here. I pray that inshallah to Allah we can return to visit your community in person soon.
Again, thank you so much. In the name of Allah to Allah most Gracious, Most Merciful Bismillah Ar Rahman Al Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa sallahu wa ala Sayidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. Now my dear sisters who have joined us from all over Welcome to tonight's special program Tuesday night with Jen the Institute. I want to acknowledge Shayla Hey fat and the wonderful team for bringing all of us together to seek this beneficial knowledge. And I asked Allah tada to bless and preserve our beloved teacher, Shayla, hey fat and all the wonderful volunteers here at Jim the Institute. So I'm joining you from Knoxville, from from from Tennessee to come to that. I'm in
eastern time, I think many of you are in central time. But hamdulillah It's so wonderful to to be with you to discuss a topic to be honest, it's a difficult topic to tackle. But I think one that is very important. One that's very necessary.
Now I have a few slides that I've that I've put together here. And the outline is is is in front of you. But you know, I really think that Shayla here fat really set us up very beautifully for the introduction to to this topic. And inshallah, before I go through my slides, I'd like to just share a little bit of my own personal story and journey and just to, if I may kind of
say this, you know, in the space that we've been that we've been provided, I don't you know, I I do some public speaking, I teach full time. earlobe shadow. Yeah, so traditional Islamic Sciences at TC or seminary here in East Tennessee. So hamdulillah I'm grateful to have had some, some experience as a teacher of Islamic sciences, you know, in Darwin public speaking as a dad as a Dahlia. But it's it's only been really on a handful of occasions, I've actually spoken directly to this topic. So I actually I really appreciate chifa Hey thought for giving me that, that push of encouragement to do this, because it is such a difficult topic. It's whether or not we've actually personally
experienced loss and grief, it's not a subject, that you know that I think that our culture, in terms of the conversations that we have as a culture that that we are kind of ready to have these conversations, our culture does not lend itself, I buy in by our culture, I mean, here in the United States, for example, or in the Western world in a more general sense that our culture does not readily lend itself to having these conversations. However, as Muslims, I believe that we are well positioned to be able to foster healthy and important conversations around what To be honest, is hands down the most difficult topic that we as human beings could really ever, ever tackle. So you
see the outline in front of you. But I think it's really important before I begin my presentation, the slides just to kind of give you that window a little bit into my own personal journey because that really informs how I'm going to present this this topic. So as I said, even though I as a speaker, a public speaker, and a teacher, I regularly address issues of Islamic law of fiqa I you know, I teach sirop I teach the history of Islam in America and and other subjects, that usually there is more of a of a level of of sort of distance, right? Not not detachment necessarily, although, of course, for people that are professionals, and I'm sure that Sheila who thought could
speak to this better than me that there's a certain amount of distance that you kind of have to cultivate sometimes to actually allow you to operate in that space, say whether it is the the the physician that is interacting with patients, or whether it's the psychologist or the therapist, that this is really something that's really quite necessary otherwise there's a lot that you're going to cut it internalize and bring home with you. So of course there are there's a set of professional boundaries and ethics. You know, that's that's of utmost importance. And then there's also the reality that
You have to obviously erect you know certain boundaries that you yourself as that professional can function in that space. So I wanted to mention that right but to also say that there's something about this topic that that definitely is informed by, by personal experience so I want to sort of invite all of you into that space to kind of understand that you know, for the longest I kind of experienced I'm being very honest here a disconnect between what I was sort of teaching as a teacher of the Islamic sciences in terms of the content what I was kind of personally experiencing it what that meant is that I would go into the classroom and we would reflect due to the output of the Quran
for example, or I would teach it aspects of the prophetic Sera, the biography of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam you know, in this field I was called upon offered to address such topics as how do we have trust in Allah Subhana Allah, how do we think about issues of Allah and other you know, Allah to Allah has decreed for all of us right? So how do I you know, I teach in theology for example. So in other words, that I was you know, addressing the subjects often from a very theoretical lens and this is something that happens in the classroom right because the classroom is set up to foster dialogue and debate and and and really kind of approaching things from the
standpoint of one's intellect but then circumstances took place in my life that really forced me in a very, to be honest, quite this sudden way quite abrupt way to kind of reckon with this subject on a deeply personal level. So now all these lessons that I'm conveying in the classroom right these topics I'm reading about in the classical texts that even the verses in the Quran you know, which I think I was kind of processing more on the level of the intellect now I'm I was forced to reckon with these things on a very personal level on the level of my own sort of emotions on the level of my own psychological makeup and on the level of my own man. So it really you know, I ended up
looking at at this subject in a very very different ways so you know, so this is really one of my one of the few public presentations that I've done on this I've had numerous private conversations, but I'm grateful to shake my Hey fat for allowing me You know, this platform to really publicly discuss this so so bear with me in terms of my own you know, still kind of processing certain things and figuring out what is the most beneficial way of really kind of handling the subject so I wanted all of you all to understand, you know, my own kind of experience of this so that that's this part why this topic right? And so so the personal part of this is that
is that a little over five years ago, I was widowed very unexpectedly, and I became really overnight a solo parent and you know that was really been my journey over the last five years with an amazing amount of support and love you know, from my family you know, from my mother and father My parents and Allah to Allah preserve them my sister and her family you know, my in laws our community all the wonderful sisters and friends that I've had the honor of meeting over the years including shares I hate that you know, so you know, so and I and I mentioned this to tell you that there is something that is so that's been so reassuring and healing and having family and community family and
community around me right
that's really been a part of this journey. But there's also been that part a part of the journey that's really kind of been
undertaken in spaces of also some solitude as well. And that's really what I wanted to to get across tonight that there and you can see this in front of you that there there's the there's an aspect of bereavement and grieving that's certainly very communal, but there's also that aspect which is kind of specific to us as as as an individual so let's go ahead inshallah to Allah and and get started so I thought it was important to really understand the terms and the reason that I thought this was important was because when my husband passed away a lawyer Hummel, I, I struggled to find Islamic literature on the subject and that's why I was really happy to do this talk tonight and I pray
inshallah we can build upon this. Please make that for me to have better getting my time because I hope one day to write on this but I found that, you know, that that once you know after that it of course, I'll put it on. Let me
The Quran is always going to be our primary guide and resource in this right the idea to the Quran, and the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but you know, given the fact that many of us are either born or, or have come up in this culture, or we've lived here for many years, you know, I'm sure all of you are familiar with that genre of self help books. So I really was kind of searching high and low for Is there a self help book, that is going to be something that I as someone who was newly widowed, can read and sort of benefit from. So I was surprised to find that there's not a lot that's kind of written for the modern day Muslim, right. In other words, we have
classical texts. And I was happy to read them, for example, email, Sally has a book entitled, remembering and remembering death and the afterlife. And there are other scholars as well. Even on Josie iya, I think a guilty and others who have written about this topic, the souls journey after death and other books. So Alhamdulillah, I came across, like I said, some classical texts. But I, I struggled in finding something that was actually written for a modern day audience. Now there was a lot of material out there written from a Christian standpoint, especially evangelical Christian standpoint, there was material material written for, from a Jewish standpoint, you know, there are,
there are, of course, many self help books that were non denominational, ie they were not written from a particular religious standpoint. There were even books out there and I came across the material out there, which, you know, had me scratching my head, martial law, but this was actually written for people who didn't believe in any deity, like they had no religious belief. And they were trying to figure out as people that had, you know, no religious belief, people that were either either agnostic or even atheists, how to grapple with bereavement, and with with loss and with the death of a loved one.
So, you know, as a Muslim, you know, as a believer Alhamdulillah, you know, I was very happy and gratified to see that we had these resources, but I realized that
base that that kind of based upon the, the condition of the individual, that sometimes and I think, you know, you know, Shayla, hey fat, you know, in her her profession, as a physician, and I think certainly mental health professionals would attest to this is that not everybody is necessarily in the space, or their frame of mind where they can open up the Quran, and immediately understand the lessons right that they need to get. And other other In other words, they might be so what's, what's the term,
kind of stuck in that kind of cloud or that fog of grief, that it can be hard for them in that moment, to open the neuron, and to immediately derive the benefit that they should be getting, or it can be difficult if they open up a book of Hadeeth, to immediately be able to kind of apply the wisdom and the headaches. And the thing about the classical texts was was was that the classical texts take a particular approach. And that approach is, as you could expect, very much focused on presenting the Quranic agate and the ahaadeeth. And the the reports from the seller, as a seller for Sala the early generations of Muslims. And for example, because it does a lot of this and he brings
sayings, for example, from early pious Muslims. And while these things are, you know, these classical texts are certainly very helpful in that kind of moment of needing some practical advice in terms of how, how do I manage these difficult emotions? How do I deal with being overnight becoming a widow, you know, that was a little bit more challenging. hamdulillah I did find some resources written by Muslims for a contemporary audience. And this was either people that were writing, because they had some background in mental health professions, or it was, you know, in one case, a sister that herself was widowed at a young age and she wrote a very beautiful reflection on
the life that she shared with her with her late husband. So, you know, I really think that there's actually an opportunity here for, for for Muslims for us, you know, as a modern day Muslim audience, I think to to be writing more, whether we are actually writing in that genre of self help, or we're kind of writing practical guides for that person that has experienced loss and needs to understand
From an Islamic standpoint, how can I kind of navigate this? Alright, so I that it's very important for me to kind of to share that with you. And like I said, going back to the terminology, bereavement grief. So bereavement is, is the fact of what's happened. It's a term that describes the situation itself, right the state that that person is in. And it also describes the situation of the person who has been bereaved. And by being breathed, we mean that that person has experienced a loss. And usually what's implicit in that understanding is that this is a recent loss. So this is a person that you're perhaps, you know, say if you are working with that person to understand that,
while they are in that condition of having been recently bereaved, right, that we describe that period as a state of bereavement. And it's important for us to understand that the psychology, the psychological needs of that person, the emotional needs,
that that's a very sensitive time for that person, that they are perhaps not processing
things, the way that someone who is outside of that or detached from that is processing. So we have to be cognizant of that. And then what we need to understand is that they are experiencing what's called grief. And grief, honestly, has so many different layers, and manifestations and shades based upon the individual. And a lot of it can be dependent upon. Number one, what was that individual's sort of cycle psychological makeup before that happened? What is the state of their mental health? What is the level of religious practice or understanding of that person? What cultural background does that person come from? What kind of support system do they have around them? What was the
relationship of that person to the deceased, for example, right? These are all very important factors that will actually have an impact on the grieving or the grief process of that person. So it's a very personal experience. And as you can see here, that it says that it has it'll have emotional, cognitive, functional and behavioral dimensions or manifestations. But simply put, grief is actually the natural, instinctive filter filtery right, ie a fifth law response that we as human beings have, when we have suffered a loss. Alright, so I want you to understand that the difference there, the term mourning is used interchangeably with grief. But mourning refers more to the
ritualized aspects of this right, in other words, every human culture, society,
you know, every major religion has certain rituals are rights that are associated with the passing of a human being right? On to the eternal realm. So I want you to understand that mourning is really, even though To be honest, a person could actually experience mourning throughout the entire course of their of their life, right in terms of griefing a very personal experience, but there's a certain kind of official or ritualized mourning, and the way that we understand this in Islamic terms, I gave you the Arabic term which is hey dad, but islamically speaking, it means the the the rights that we actually are going to give to the UN and by rights not just r i t s, but rights The
for loop, r i g h, t, s, ie, that, in other words, it is a fuddled key failure
of the community that if someone passes away that there are people in the community who are going to be knowledgeable enough to do the the the the whistle and the cuff and like, they know how to prepare the person by the washing and the funeral shroud and the slots of the janazah right, such that if some members of the community are equipped to do this, then that obligation is lifted from all of the community However, if no one does this, then it means that we have actually not
we've actually not fulfilled the rights of the deceased and all of us would actually be liable and sinful for not doing that. Alright, so I want you to understand these, these these different terms. Now inshallah, to Allah, what I'm going to actually do if you'll permit, I'm going to just make sure that my laptop is not going
To to expire on me I'm going to plug it in and inshallah or if there I know that you know that there probably are questions coming in and I'm happy at this point to pause and to see if there are questions and follow up while I plug in my device. Right there was one question that says chifa I'm putting it on the screen. Could you please guide us on this regard?
But yeah, sister Farzana. inshallah, if you could just give me some specifics when you mean it, to provide guidance, did you mean the terminology if you could just be a little bit more specific control book?
Okay, good. We're charging now hamdulillah?
She did not write her question, okay.
was awkward on the on the screen, inshallah. inshallah, to Allah. So, you know, and so another thing that I want want everyone to understand here is, of course, the common thread running, whether we use terms like bereavement, or grief, or mourning, the common thread is that we have experienced a loss, right. And one of the things I've learned really and reading a lot about this thinking, just reading about it, thinking about it, writing about it,
you know, speaking at length to a really wonderful Muslim clinical psychologist, and I want to it really, I really want to make sure I acknowledge Dr. Someone tour, Mashallah who has done really just who's been so incredibly helpful and supportive to me, my family and grappling with this is that, as human beings, we're actually not set up to really be able to deal with loss on our own, and what I mean by this, right and bear with me, what I mean by this is that, as human beings, and this is really kind of going into the realm of our psychology, and neurology, and so on,
but it's but as human beings, we like to sort of write stories and scripts and narratives for ourselves. And very rarely do the stories that we write for ourselves, very rarely are those narratives of loss.
And what I mean by this, look at how sort of human rituals are set up, like especially for example, I think marriage is the best example of that, right? In terms of how we, you know, from the time often that girls are very young, the cultural messages that they receive, are that you know, that the, the, the, the knight in shining armor, the prince on the white horse is going to come along, right, and you're going to have, you know, the fairytale wedding, and you're going to live in the beautiful house, you know, with the kind of white picket fence and have, you know, I don't know what they say, the two and a half children or so on, I'm sure that a lot of us have heard that, right. In
other words, it's a very rose tinted view of the world, right? To where almost that, that, that that fable in the the fairy tale is going to come true. And we're going to leave this this life that is just very kind of an idyllic life that is romantic, and just all these different kind of cultural messages that we receive, and not just sort of, from the culture at large, what I'm talking about sort of coming up in the West, right? But even in Muslim culture, you know, a lot of times girls are very much raised with this idea, that, that, that they're the end all the end all be all for their existence is to have this this type of life, right? With all the romance and everything that's
entailed in that. So like I said, as human beings, men, this makes sense, right? Not sure we're going to gravitate towards these stories that are happy, right, and that have happy endings. So we write these stories for ourselves in terms of Yes, I have a timeline where I'm going to get married to the handsome prince, and have this wonderful sort of education and career and beautiful children. And this very, kind of like storied existence. Right? That's the, that's the the script that we write for ourselves. But then something called Allah to Allah, Allah and other is going to intervene. Right, and this is just this is this is part of being human.
And then all of a sudden, we're experiencing different kinds of different types of loss. And if we could just go back one slide, right? And then we're experiencing the realities of maybe being a refugee or having to go into exile. Right? Or, and this is the reality of so many Muslims because of war and conflict and famine, for example, or maybe it's the experience of
Someone had their dream job at a loss, they got that pink slip or whatever, and they lost their their job, again, a reality with COVID, the Pamela you know, or loss of health, that that person enjoyed robust health, and then all of a sudden, they didn't have that anymore. And or in a more general sense, like I said, we write a script. But then and we have these aspirations, expectations, but then we deal with the reality, what happens when our expectations are thwarted? Right, there's a disappointment, a tangible or palpable disappointment there. It could be in the form of a marriage ending, say, as a divorce, right? If you were to talk to people that that are divorced, they would
probably think that they envisioned life as a fairy tale at one point, right?
It could be in the form of loss of a pregnancy, and then find the loss of a loved one. And the reason why I mentioned this is that one of the things that that was very helpful that I learned from therapists with whom I worked was that he explained to me that we as human beings, even though these look different, these appear to be very different forms of loss, ie, not getting into my dream college, for example, is definitely a far cry from say, a parent's
say, you know, from from somebody that's, that's lost, for example, a loved one, someone that was close to them, right? So please, I want you to understand, I'm not I'm not minimizing any anyone's loss. But in terms of how we respond psychologically, and emotionally, it's interesting in terms of that we actually respond to these in similar ways, even though they're quite different. We respond to them in similar ways, in the sense of, we look at this, as this is a form of loss, we feel a sense of sadness, sorrow, disappointment, and I know it sounds strange, like maybe maybe for the person that didn't get their dream job, or get getting their dream, the dream college or whatever.
However, we actually go into, like a sense of mourning over this is actually how we're going to respond cognitively. emotionally, psychologically, we actually mourn
this as a loss, even though of course, they have a different kind of ranking in terms of the hierarchy here, right, in terms of the severity or the immediacy, so I want you all to understand that and the reason why I'm saying that is to say that you should never think that you are a bad Muslim, or you're ungrateful or that you're a man is lacking. If your response to a disappointment is to, you know, experience a sense of mourning over that is actually quite natural, quite normal. All right. Does that make sense? hope that makes sense. It's healthy, actually.
It's healthy to show it as long as within the frame, work office stuff, but it's absolutely healthy. Because if you don't show it, it will affect your health. Absolutely.
Does that? Yeah. For sure. So, so So the thing is, is that
this is where I want to take us back to the to the Quran, because in reflecting because again, people say well, oh, from an Islamic standpoint, where is the self help book? Like how do I, as a Muslim in the 21st century? How do I deal with this, because, you know, my, my shelves behind me are actually full of all kinds of self help books that I've, that I've come across. And you know, how some of these books ended up being quite useful, but some of them not at all, in terms of the advice they were giving. Why Because ultimately, you're not giving advice from the standpoint of tohave right? That that the the the organizing principle for our lives and less of them is La Ilaha Illa,
Allah, Muhammad Rasul Allah, and everything else is going to inshallah come after that. Right is going to branch out from that. So when the person as well intention as the authors of those books are, when they're writing, they're not writing from that from that standpoint. And like they told me I came across an article I think it might have been an ad on NPR and I remember reading it and feeling so Pamela so sad for the person that they were, I think writing about our interviewing because this person had no belief in Allah to Allah.
And I said to myself, so how Allah if it's possible for somebody that has actually no belief in Allah to Allah to actually be able to come out on the other end of their grief with a healthy understanding of this like why is it that you know we and myself personally as Muslims believers were struggling with this because you see the person that's that that that is that is an atheist is basically saying, well that's it. Right exactly. In other words, what Allah tala tells us as a flourish in the Quran, the operation basically how is it that we're going to be brought to life and and after our, you know, bones have crumbled and
dust. That's what they thought they're really, they were really the ultimate materialists. In that sense. They felt that this was this was this dunia this was the end all be all of our existence it started starts here it ends here and there's nothing else afterwards. And I just said to myself some Hannelore, what a bleak, what a bleak perspective on life that must be
for it for a human being, to literally think whether it's the operation of 1400 years ago or atheist today, to think that,
that with all the richness, all the complexity of the human experience, that everything all the amazing is all the amazing signs that Allah Allah has placed in this world, for us to think that it just stops here with that person's death and there is no athlete or that there is no continuation, such a bleak perspective. So I was actually so grateful to be able to reflect upon the Quran and to realize that the bronze message is one of hope. To see the mistake that we make dear sisters is sometimes we read the put on it to use this term is in terms of fire and brimstone, right? That's a term that's used in kind of Judeo Christian sort of discourse. You will you read the Hold on.
We're reading it only with an eye to where Allah to Allah is mentioning punishment, right? Yeah, that enough. And we and in doing so, where we make the mistake of not looking at it with that counterbalance of Allah to Allah as a llama.
And it is the mercy of Allah to Allah that's available in this world for the believer and the non believer. And then of course, it's the mercy of Allah to Allah that is specific to the believer in the athlete. Ah, so what another so so part of the process, my dear sisters, is that we have to begin to re orient our emotions. And this can be difficult, I understand this is why being being patient with those who are bereaved is so important, because it grief it really clouds over the judgments. And this is just simply because, especially if it's an unexpected loss, right, that there's going to be in the beginning, right, especially if the brief person doesn't receive that
support, whether it's spiritual support, psychological support, counseling, that in the beginning, because they're in that state of shock, it's going to be difficult, right for them to understand, like, they can have a quote in front of them but still not understand it, right? We have to be patient with that person. And we have to tell them that yes, Allah Allah certainly does mention
the punishment of the Fire and the fate of the disbelievers and the Ashkenazi, but we also know that over to Allah's mercy, always which the word outstrips His wrath.
And so that when you read the Quran now we should read the Quran with a view to where we can be locate those beautiful points of Allah to Allah's mercy and Shana he thought mentioned it
and the example of the of the MBR of the profits Alright, so I'm going to pause inshallah is the sound stupid from my end because I I my Wi Fi is a little spotty so just let me know inshallah it's it's fine. Absolutely. So upon click a point number one which I really loved it is that there is a hammer in everything. And it is very hard to see. May Allah forgive me for saying this but it is true. sometimes very difficult to see the man in the middle of the loss especially in the beginning, especially if it's a loss or sudden loss but we have to remind ourselves ketubah Allah NFC here Rama, Allah said this has sought to enhance Allah prescribed on himself or rushman and in a hadith
of Osiris or to Samson had his own posse rahmati several other hobby My Mercy Myra How am I loving the mercy way proceeded my anger? So one of the things we I think always we have to remind ourselves is not think this is a punishment don't think of it's a punishment there's a rock inside this and I asked Allah when I go see it because I'm clouded by the loss I need to keep asking Allah show me I know it is there I'm just not seeing it. It's very nice to see a starting point is that look for the hammer and ask Allah to show you the rock my Albion
Thank you. So check it out for that wonderful reminder because this was actually get on being very, very, very honest with everybody. You know, I went through some very difficult cycles and stages of grief. You know, one of the things that that there's a book called Good grief, by the way that's been out for a long time. It's a classic
And it kind of details the stages of grief. So I think one of the things that we make, you know, as kind of like in our popular understanding of grief, sometimes we think that grief is going to be is going to very, very neatly proceed from one stage to another. And in reality and in my experience, you know, can attest to this, we often cycle back and forth a lot between all the different stages, sometimes experiencing them all in a moment. And that's where our, you know,
the restraint that we learn from the example of the Prophet on a soldier slemish so important and that's why I always tell my students when you don't make the mistake of reading the stories of the MBA lock on as as, what is it kind of an historical relic? You know, what's a relic is something that's not relevant, right? It's in the past, not just a story. Yeah, exactly. Like something you go and you see in a museum, and then you forget about it, that's not you know, that these, these stories are brought to us for a reason. Because each and every prophet and messenger they embody in their life's journey, all these different aspects and facets of the human existence, and especially,
and how they handle,
you know, grief, sorrow, because they all have experiences of loss, and they epitomized for us what it actually looks like for the human being to have to walk want to have trust, to have somewhere to have steadfastness and to always manifest with Allah to Allah the best adept and assuming we can learn a lot from them. And here's the idea that share Hey, fat quoted and I wanted to share with you all here and from students, such a beautiful chapter. So Pamela, the story of Prophet Yusuf Ali Salaam, and of course, we in the story we learn about his father, Yahoo. And of course, we know it's a very, very famous story and share the he thought reminded us that Jaco has his children really
just snatched away from him. And these are, you know, his and these are his most beloved children to him. And he lives really so many years, as we know, think, you know, where the people all this time are thinking that surely After all, this time, that saved in the US the valleys that must, must be deceased. But you know, his father yabut is always holding on to that hope. And but it gets to a point where the people are basically telling him, you're just what do they say to him, you're almost there. They're, they're not kind, they almost refer to him as, as almost that he's, he's, he's an old man, living in this delusion of seeing his beloved son again. So this is when he says to them,
it is only to God that I complain of my deep grief and my sorrow, for I know from God, something that you do not know. So when the others had given up hope, that he would ever be reunited with us to validate his Salaam, and by that time, his other son Binyamin has gone as well. Right, left in Egypt, right?
That is when we see that the prophetic,
the prophetic character, because your job is not going to complain to people, right? The way of the prophets is they, they take their complaints directly to Allah to Allah, because they know that, that, that it is only Allah to Allah, that we'll be able to, to avail them and for them to help in this moment, it's not going to people, right? You don't go to the creation, you go to the Creator. So you know, in those moments, when we might be tempted to say, Woe is me, Why me?
Why am I being punished in this way? Where is the mercy of Allah to Allah? And that's something that's a common response of many of us, even those of us that, you know, feel that yes, you know, practicing Muslim and I've studied and I, you know, because we think that, you know, but, but the tests can come to us in different ways. So we should always ask Allah to Allah, that when that test comes to us, that we are able to manifest in that moment, the example of that prophetic grace and wisdom and speech, right, because they don't see themselves as victims, where we tend to see ourselves as victims, right? They don't see themselves as victims of these historical circumstances.
Humble everybody still with me.
Just want to make sure we're still good inshallah to Allah.
Okay, so So, again, like I said, the emotions and this is the thing, I think, to try to suppress the emotions to try to deny the existence the emotions, that tell ourselves, we're not feeling
Feeling the emotion that's not healthy, right? It's important to allow ourselves to feel that emotion, but to also make sure that we are going to the put on in the sooner and that in those moments are especially difficult that we have an outlet, right? That's, that's appropriate we have a support system, have spiritual counsel in the form of the the the shape, or the shape or the Imam or person that you can go to, you have and show let's add a supportive family supportive community, who have the mental health professional, these are all going to be part of that support system for you. Right? And then also to understand this, that we'll put on and see this is why sometimes, you know,
it can be puzzling, especially with in this day and age, you know, with Muslims in the 21st century, there are younger, younger Muslims, that you know, when you see that they are kind of like despairing of well, why does God allow these things to happen? Right? It's that perennial question of the, like, the problem of existence, or the the problem of the existence of evil, it's something it's something that theologians and philosophers have written about for millennia. And it's a question that to this day, people ask and it impacts their email for people actually will, they will actually lose their faith over this because they look around at a world that is cruel, where we're
violence is happening, war and famine and brutality. Right? They might look at their own personal experience and say, Why does God not intervene directly in the affairs of the human being? And we have to understand that when we ask that question, it's because we have not read the Quran properly. Because when you read the put on properly, we see right now that Allah Allah never promised us that we would enjoy paradise in this world, right? There are some people, maybe a small percentage of humanity, for whom Allah Allah has written that they will have some ease and luxury in this world but otherwise, as Shayla, he thought reminded us from a Baccarat if you look at chapter two verses
155 to 157, you will see of Allah to Allah has told us what is the nature of this world? What we're going to experience and as the Quran tells us, right here, enter the Hello call multiple Hayato Leah bluekai you come So no, I'm Allah, wa hula Z's over food, like in other words, for those of us that are still trying to figure out, why have we been created, right? as Muslims, we should know. Why have we been created? Allah tala is telling us that he created death and life, right? It is he who created death and life to test us as to which of you is best indeed. And he is the Exalted and might the Forgiving, like, this is the, the the the grand purpose of all of it. The answer is right here
in the Quran. And Allah reminds us and the reason why death is mentioned, by the way before life is because we're forgetful, because like I said, we write stories, and they're happy, fluffy, warm, beautiful stories. So no, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have
beautiful hopes and dreams and aspirations. but to also understand, what is the nature of Hyatt to do that is so important. Alright, so Shawn, let's begin to wrap up so we can get to the questions. inshallah, tada, you don't have anything that I was thinking there are so many beautiful, how do you think, but one that I wanted to remind us of, right? And this panel, this is so important, especially for young people, because it's a tendency of human beings, that, that the younger We are the, the less likely we are to think of our own mortality, right? So we tend to put off that which will benefit us in our, in our Deen and our spiritual life and our our life of iveta. Like, we tend
to always put it off and sha Allah, I'll wear my hijab later on, or inshallah I'll make my hijab later on, or inshallah I'll pray later on, or whatever it is, right? thinking I'm young, and I have all this time. Well, you know, again, the the, you know, if we look at just the reporting on COVID-19, we're going to see that the the people, the lives that have been claimed by the pandemic, it's all people have so many different backgrounds, and so many ages, right? So we have to remember this heavy from our beloved prophet on Islam, Islam, and he said to us, right, he said, You should remember the destroyer of pleasures is what he said. And by that he meant death. And when people
sometimes people, people, people look at the Hadees. And I think Does this mean that as Muslims, we should always be in a state of mourning? No, no, not at all. Look, look at the example look at the Sierra. The Prophet peace appointed was the one that was able to
express and bring the most joy to the people around him. But he also understood the gravity and the seriousness of life.
And he would say, so Allahu alayhi wa sallam that if we knew what what he knew civilize them that we would,
we would laugh a lot, a lot less and we would weep more often.
So this is a reminder to us that, yes, we should bring happiness to those around us. But there's a difference between being people of good cheer and joining people of frivolity. The believer is never frivolous, the believer is never shallow, right? She is a deep person, and she understands the realities of life. Now, the other thing I wanted to mention in there were so many beautiful teachings, but I come back often, because this is the this is the that was sort of, like this is the beautiful exemplar because in the prophetic example you see the balanced human being right not to one extreme over another. And it's in this it's in the loss of the the the son of the Prophet This
is Ibrahim and this is the son of our Prophet Allah is less than with MADI Tia and you know, so the Prophet was older and he'd been blessed with the birth of the child Ibrahim, but then Ibrahim passes away quite young, probably no more than a toddler. You know, so
in the head we see that that that this is narrated by MSF, and Malik and he said they accompany the Prophet alayhi salatu salam to the home of his name was Abu safe. And he was a blacksmith and he was the husband of the woman that had nursed the wetness of Ibrahim and Allah messenger Allah to a Salaam he carried he picked up Ibrahim and he kissed him and smelled him of his his his beautiful scent. And and it's it's written here later we entered Abu saves house and at that time, Ibrahim was taking his last breaths. And so they saw the eyes of the Prophet alayhi salatu salam to fill up with tears and he began to cry Allah software Salaam and Abdullah cannot even or off said yadavs little
lot even you are weeping. So so because the companions you have to understand they drew strength from the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam. So when they saw these moments of human emotion, they would ask him about this. So he said, Oh, even if he said this is mercy, is what he said. Then he went more in said, the eyes will weep. Right? And the heart is grieved. But we will never say except that which pleases our Lord. Oh, Ibrahim, indeed, we are grieved by your separation. So you see the beautiful ads up here, that the Prophet alayhi salatu salam does not say why me, he doesn't become angry. He's not railing against fate. He's not railing against Allah to Allah. Right? He does it.
And he, in other words, he allows himself to feel those human emotions of sorrow and grief over the loss of his son. But he's a prophet. And he's, he's hotter than the Buddha he is the seal of prophethood. So he's an example for us. And he will never utter anything that would be displeasing to Allah Subhana Tada. So this is the most beautiful, balanced example in front of us right? Now. inshallah, what I want to say is that all of us are different places in our journey of Amen. But we should always make sure that this is our standard. This is this is what we aspire to. All right. All right, does that come along? If so, hamdulillah This is what I have for my presentation for today.
And I think we have some time to take some questions, inshallah to honor again, this is just an introduction to a way of thinking about the topic based upon the beautiful teachings of our faith and I hope and shall love to be able to follow up at some point later on. There's a special class I'm teaching starting in sha Allah to Allah next month that I think will also be helpful. As we continue to conferences Jackie, no failure, she has beautiful It's, it's, I take from it the following remember the Rushmore philos pantalla. Aspire and I love this word, aspire to be like our Swati sought was when he lost which is to any parents is the biggest loss is when you lose your
child, the boy that he was waiting for four years, and then he lost and he was crying. So showing your emotion is absolutely fine. Your heart to weep before your eyes. Absolutely. That's the rough man. That's what he said. But it's just what we say is not and that takes us to the question I put it on the screen ha ha she is sister Miriam said very well said Why me question mark is such a deep destabilizing question. For many individuals with hardship that is is you know, my loss to use. self pity is an agonizing cycle. How to fight it.
Michelle, that's an excellent question. I think you work for seven to get it you know, so this is
Why I wanted to frame this in a very foundational way because like I said, you can read every self help book in the world. I've read quite a few of them. But ultimately I have always found myself going back to the source. And that is the poor and that is the book of Allah Subhana Allah and the Sunnah of the Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam because that's where you're going to find timeless teachings, and that's where you're going to find truth and wisdom. And like I said, that balance. And what I found so fascinating is that with all of the prophets and messengers, like each and every one of them, whether it's saved now Musa alayhis, salaam, whether it's saved in their eSATA, Islam,
whether it's it's the noon same night, Yunus, Allah, Islam, all of them
that they don't, ultimately they do not succumb to what you're seeing right here, which is that, that that cycle of self pity, because here's the thing, here's the here's the reason why that, that it can be a vicious cycle. Because self pity is it's sort of it's self fulfilling. And it's also
paralyzed, paralyzing. And what that means is that, when, and like I said, you know, as human beings, we like to write certain scripts and stories, but the problem is that when we, when we start writing,
and lock ourselves into a script of victimization, it becomes self fulfilling in the sense that everything that happens to us, after that, we begin to interpret it in terms of the world is against me, fate is against me, I am a victim of these vicious circumstances. And then we are going to see ourselves constantly as being weak as being paralyzed by this as being completely helpless to act in any way, shape, or form. And I want you to understand that my dear sisters, you all ultimately, the only one who benefits from this self victimization that we are doing is actually shaped lawn to shade lawn likes to see the believer in a state of despair and depression,
you're important for us to understand, because when we become paralyzed by that self pity, by that grief, by all those negative emotions, what we are doing is depriving ourselves of the ability to act. Because all of us have been given an ability to act within certain parameters, even if it's just to literally drag ourselves out of the bed and go and make booboo and make like a team. But if we can't even do that, there's only one winner in that situation and that shape on well, that will lay out of the lab manual. So I want us to understand that and like I said, this is where your support is so important, whether it's your shape or shape or a man that has some training in this
and mental health support, right? It's so important and hamdullah we have more and more Muslims in the mental health professions. Because there comes a point where Yes, where we can drag ourselves up right but there also comes a point where you have to know it's time to speak to a therapist about this and I right, I will add one thing if you allow me a shift like the beautiful dua that Allah Swami salatu salam taught us, Allah Khomeini. Now the weaker, meaner hammy one hasn't so panela anytime you seek refuge from Allah about something that means that something is going to happen and what is this drag the first part of it is your Allah I seek refuge in You meaning you are the one
who's going to help me from what I'll have me What hasn't happened is when you are worried something sitting in your chest and you're so worried about and hasn't sorrow, and when do I feel sorrow is when I lose something, let alone I lost I lose a beloved one funeral in a law run to Allah is exactly what you put this slide if you paid attention, say evening APU when he lot when he lost save the use of he doesn't know where is he? What did he say? ash Koba co who's Nina law, I complain, my loss and my sort of to Allah. So absolutely in this recipe, if I want to say is, you seek the help number one from Allah by dwell by turning to him, pour your heart for more, I'm weak, I can do this.
I cannot handle it. You're the only one who's going to make me do it. Literally speak in this way. Plus the support of exactly the community. There is a lot of Muslim psychologists and psychiatrists then in your your family, when you look for people help
But number one I will say
this is a difference you said between us and the other faith what people who doesn't believe because
I have a husband my team strong rope I can hold 200 level Blimey I don't know if there's another question anybody has a question we have we can do a couple of more minutes if you want to anything else you want to add Zack laugh it's a beautiful Don't forget she has enough is going to honor us agenda Institute. She will give a four weeks like a four weeks, one hour a week covering this subject in a much more detail all the details in our website.
Yeah, this Okay, so we have the drop in here. anybody has a question? She put it a drive from the landline. Anything else you want to share with us? time? Can you comment on time? Yeah, she has a how time make things
more easier. Um, it's it's a hard word to say. But it is easier.
absolutely certain shall not shuffle a fight. That's one of the things I plan on covering inshallah to Allah in our upcoming course next month. But yes, so you know, one of the things that that I heard when my husband passed with a hammer was that time heals. And you know, I think there's some truth to that. But I think there's some nuance as well, because the thing is, when we are in the throes of grief, there's a lot of impatience. And by impatience, what I mean is that we want to almost sort of put the process on kind of, like, fast forward, and that's impossible. That's where really having sobor and really accepting and one of the things that became very helpful for me
personally, was I kept telling myself that no, that that, that this experience was written for me, I was meant to actually go through that experience with all the difficult aspects of that, which meant that there were some days that, oh, my goodness, Pamela, there were just some very, very, very difficult days, but the emotions were just very strong and very raw. And then there are days that were a lot easier. And I realized that it seemed like it was a roller coaster, but I understood that, that you know, for people that in all of us will experience some form of loss and separation, that it was something that I was meant to go through and I couldn't artificially kind of hasten it.
And but But absolutely, with the proper support, time, I don't know that it will heal the wound completely but and hamdulillah by the grace and mercy of Allah, we as human beings we are, we can adapt, we are resilient, and we learn how to live with that experience that we've had and inshallah to Allah and my prayer for all of for all of us here is that we're able to come out as better believers because of having had that experience but it means actually accepting that sometimes time feels like it's standing still and accepting that absolutely and also as as the scholars will teach us and you know this better than I do we as human beings we live in two situations only. It's either
this is a very good time or this is the test there's no in between. Either I'm enjoying it or I am sad. Either I have full of energy or I'm lazy I mean there is no in between. And this is where the hadith of roswaal risotto Salaam says the meaning of our job and the ambrane moment Whoa, what an amazing fact for the believer that oh and it's only for the believer when he or she is given they are they are in a state of comfort and ever live going their way. What should they do they are grateful and when they are being tested and that's the other option tested in anything including loss then they will be in a state of Sabah which is not easy but I look at it is like this is
another opportunity for me to get closer to Allah spawn Tada. It's a process it will take time when I still remember I lost my mother is more than 25 years now more actually still is not easy. Yes, especially when you're young. But Chapin Allah, Allahu Allah sometimes bring us closer to him through this difficulty. And I have a very good friend of mine who lost her son at age 19. sudden, I mean, I can literally even think of it span a lot and I know she talks about this is more than 12 years now and she says a large panel with Allah. Allah made her see this fact that Allah wanted me back to him, but I guess I needed to be
banged on my head. How long? It's just so hard. She said it. Right and then we kept reminding her no laughing it was Jacqueline. He said that's the Hawthorne law. And he wanted me back to him to live closer to Him and to reveal the realize hanapin moto will hire that he created Jetson life This is beautiful she has a no this needs to another hour or two. But
if there is any question I did not look at it, please let us know. I think I covered everything and inshallah Allah would love to see you two weeks from now. It's February. Please forgive me 14 is it inshallah so I'm going to edit a Saturday if inshallah we're going I think our first class is Saturday February 13. In sha Allah Allah Yes. So please join us all the information is on our website. We would love to have you all desert so always lovely to see you. Looking forward for the day we can hug again Jacobian inshallah.
And this is
your Oh yes, I just I asked. I asked Allah to Allah to confer his blessings and protection upon you Shaffer. Hey fat your community. May Alaska metallic Chris, you in all good. Yeah. Thank you so much. and protect your children the beautiful three children.
And subhanak alone will be handing a shadow and stuff we will cover today. Salaam alesina. Muhammad Ali. He was habitus demon kathira salaam alaikum wa rahmatullah everybody, desert mala