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Why Do Couples Fight – And How They Can Stop
Channel: Habib Bobat
File Size: 13.97MB
Moulana Bobat breaks down the fundamental reason as to a husband and a wife fight and as well a solution on how they can stop fighting.
Episode Transcript ©
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If she's excited if she's expressing sentiments of jubilation, She's so excited to tell you about her new outfit, then you can't be sitting there so lame.
Okay, you look nice. You look, you look stunning. That's not what she's looking for.
The question many people ask, Why do husband and wife fight so much? Why is this so much fighting in the house? Well, to answer that question, we need to look a little deeper into the makeup of men and women, Allah subhanho wa Taala has created men differently. Allah subhana wa, tada has created women differently. We are different on the outside, we are different on the inside, our appearance is difference, our physique is different, the physiology is different. So if we are different on the external front, don't you think we are going to be different on the internal front. And that's when we don't understand one another. There's a lot of friction, a lot of tension in the home. And my
effort today is to explain the differences between men and women, and to make you understand how to work with those differences. So the first thing Allah subhanho wa Taala says, when he says the Kuru calusa, the men is not like the woman, meaning we are different in terms of our external features. And we are different in terms of our internal features. A men will process information differently, a lady will process information differently. Now, the idea of our differences is not to create conflict, but to understand one another, to supplement one another, and to work without differences. Now let's look at some of the major differences between men and women. The first thing stress,
a man will approach stress differently, and the lady will approach stress differently. When a man is stressed out,
he retreats, he withdraws, he disconnects, he goes into his cave, he goes silent. He goes mute. He doesn't want any noise around him, and is lost in his own world. That's how he deals with stress.
A lady on the other hand, when she is stressed, she needs to speak. She needs to talk. She needs to offload she needs she needs to speak her mind. Can you see the contrast between the two? Now picture the scenario, the husband walks into the house and the wife starts to speak, what's going to happen?
The man is going to think what's wrong with her? Why is she talking so much?
And when a man is stressed and he's not talking, the lady is gonna think wisest men not talking. Why is he so quiet? Is something wrong with him? Maybe you're not interested in me. Maybe you don't talk to me. Maybe you just don't find me entertaining. Maybe you don't look forward to my company. And when this misunderstanding grows between the two is great conflict in the home.
What a man needs to understand. When a lady is stressed out, she needs to speak what a lady needs to understand. When a man is stressed out he needs to keep quiet, he goes into his cave. Now when you understand each other, it's easier to work with one another. And it's easier to relate to the opposite gender. So the next time when the husband walks into the house, and he doesn't want to talk and he wants to retreat to his cave, allow him the space. Give him a few minutes to unwind. Give him a few minutes to de stress. Once he comes out of his cave, he will be ready to connect with you. The next time your wife wants to talk, give her an attentive ear. Give her a hearing. let her speak her
mind. And she will feel much connected with you. She'll feel love. She'll feel affection. They'll be that chemistry between the two of you. So the first difference that we need to understand. When a man is stressed in it's to keep quiet. He needs to withdraw. He needs to go to his cave. When a lady is stressed she needs to talk.
My brother she is not nagging you. She's just trying to connect with you through whatever she is saying through her conversation. So that's the first major difference. How can a man help his wife? Number one, listen attentively.
as men we tend to interrupt and give smart
answers to the problems are women are presenting. So a typical example your wife will tell you, you know, today it is such a hectic day. First I was running late, and then the domestic did not pick up. And then the wash the washing machine just gave up. What does it mean to you know what? I think you should wake up early number one, so you won't be late. Number two, I think I'll get my friend to check up the washing machine. Number three, I think it must fire that domestic.
We as men, we tend to give solutions to the problems of women tend to present. She is not looking for solutions. She just wants you to hear her out. She's looking for validation. She just wants you to hear out when she's speaking. Listen to her. That's all. don't offer solutions. Keep your smart answers to yourself. And this is how we as men, we are wired differently. We are solution oriented lady on the other hand, she is not interested in your solutions when she wants that she'll ask you specifically. But if she's just giving you her the rundown of her day, listen to her, look out for feelings, look out for sentiments and accordingly matched it. So number one, listen to attentively.
There is a difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is simply taking information from the one ear and taking it out from the other ear.
do not give solutions. Keep your smart answers to yourself. Don't interrupt, don't interject. don't provide smart answers. Number three, look for feelings. Ask yourself is my fire is my partner feeling tense.
If she's feeling tense, then you need to match the emotions and accordingly respond to the situation. If she's excited if she's expressing sentiments of jubilation, She's so excited to tell you about her new outfit. Then you can be sitting there so lame.
Okay, you look nice. It looks it looks stunning. That's not what she's looking for. She's gonna tell you, it seems like you're not interested in me. But if you tell her was loving affection, oh, wow, you look stunning. You look beautiful. You look deshan Subhana. Allah, you look so beautiful. If you match the rapport, if you match her response, with equal enthusiasm, you will see that you are building a connection with her. So look out for feelings. Is she feeling sad? Is she feeling tense? Is she stressed out? Or is she excited? issue job related, you need to match the tone. And you need to build rapport with her.
And the next point is
when she is talking, she might not follow a sequence in her discussion. She might tell you about her mother. And then she'll tell you something about the kitchen. And then she'll tell you something about her work that she experience. And then she'll tell you about the kids. And you might be lost. They're like, why is this discussion going? You need to have the patience to follow it through from the top to the bottom. Don't look for chronological sequence. Don't look for something logical to flow through. Just come through and listen to her. Have you ever seen your wife speak to her sister? Or her friend? Or her mother or her colleague? Have you ever seen other conversation flows? they'll
speak for 20 3040 minutes. And the lady on the opposite end will just say Wow, amazing. So Panama. Can you believe it? Can't believe it? Wow. That's all you hear from the opposite side. And on the other side, she is speaking her mind out. After that one hour of conversation she feels my friend understands me. My friend understands what I'm going through. And you as a menu certain thing like no man, something's not right.
That lady offered no solutions. She just heard out. And that's the point. When a lady feels heard, when she feels that I've spoken, what's on my mind. She feels validated. And that leaves me or leads me to the last point and that is provide validation for your wife when she is speaking. If she is said, then you must say yes I can. I can understand what you're going through. And I can feel what you are experiencing. You know, it's so sad. So provide validation don't trivialize the problem. You know, I think you're overreacting. I think I think what
Same is maybe maybe an overreach, maybe you need to relook at it. Don't say things like that, because you're looking for problems in your home. But if you provide validation, you look at her and you say, my darling, what you're saying. And I can understand I can relate to what you're saying, I can feel where you're coming from, I get your perspective. So that's how a man needs to help his wife and she's talking.
Now, let's look at the flip side of the coin, how can a lady help the husband.
So number one, when the husband comes into the house, allow him space to unwind. Let him relax, let him retreat to his credit to his cave. Once he has come out of his cave, he will be ready to connect with you. You see, when a man is in his cave, he loses connection with the people and the things around him. He can be sitting, and just thinking.
And just thinking and you on the other hand, you're trying to figure out what's going on in this man's mind. But don't try to figure out, allow him the few minutes to unwind. When a man is in his cave. This is how it works. You don't talk to anyone.
You don't worry about anything around you.
And you just sit still. That is why a man can go fishing for hours and just sit like this.
No, you can cast and he can just sit because he's wired that way. A lady on the other hand cannot understand. Why is this man so quiet? Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe he's upset with me. Maybe he just doesn't find me interesting. You don't have to get offensive or you don't have to get defensive. All you need to understand that he's in his cave is unwinding. He is distressing. Once he's ready when once he comes out of his cave, after 510 minutes, he will be ready to connect with you. So don't don't push him to talk. Don't push him to offload whatever is on his mind. allow him to de stress in his own way. So you must be asking what month what Macedo menara. While you sit, you
relax, you catch up on your own social media, go play Candy Crush, go do something on your own. You allow him the space, you just let him know, honey, if you need anything I'm around. inshallah.
Once you give him that space, he will have so much of respect for you. He will not run out of the house to go into his cave. He knows my place. My home is a safe sanctuary, where I can retreat to my cave. I don't have to worry about my wife, because she's understanding. And once he's out of his cave, he will automatically open up to you.
So you don't have to take any offense. You don't have to feel bad. Why is my husband not speaking to me? That's how a man is wired. So a man needs to understand how a lady is wired and how she unwinds. And both parties need to work with one another. Remember, at the end of the day, Allah subhanho wa Taala is created as different by
by default, and Allah subhanho wa Taala is created as different for a reason. Our job is not to eliminate the differences. Our job is to work without differences. The beauty of the rainbow is in the different colors. The beauty of a lady is because she's different. And the beauty of a man is because He's different. So at the end of the day, we know we don't need we don't eliminate the differences.
We work with our differences. If you try to eliminate the differences, that's when the marriage will hit the rocks. And I feel
that many people fight simply because they haven't understood their partner. Once you understand how a lady behaves when she's stressed out, and how a man behaves when he's stressed out. When you understand each other, you won't eliminate conflict.
But you will definitely reduce conflict. May Allah subhanho wa Taala give us the understanding and may we work on our marriages. May we take our marriages seriously. May our relationships blossom in to the earth or also Armenia.