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But What About Abusive Parents

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Omar Suleiman

Channel: Omar Suleiman

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Episode Transcript

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I mean, without too much caffeine a lot more solidly or cinematic and avocado, so you can comment in Salalah while he was alone, and only he was talking to you or sell them to him and kathira. Before I get started and show what's out, I wanted to just draw everyone's attention to an event, or a two part event in Charlottetown, that we're going to be hosting this Tuesday and Thursday. Obviously, there's a lot that's going on political turmoil, the pandemic, there are many, many people's pantalon that have been passing away, there have been a lot of personal challenges that we're all dealing with that have perhaps been compounded by the environment around us. And so we wanted to put

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together a two part webinar series in Charlottetown, called navigating turbulent times. And so we'll kind of address this from the spiritual and the psychological, the emotional and mental health components, and Shawn Montana, with some really wonderful speakers in the nighttime and scholars. So that's going to be tomorrow in Charlottetown, at 8pm, Eastern, as well as Thursday at 8pm, Eastern Charlottetown. And you can find more information below. Now, tonight's reflection actually comes as a result of, you know, I posted this thing about Habib and the way that he honored his parents to some of the things that he said about his father and some things they said about his mother. And I

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realized that it's it's a recurring theme that anytime that you post anything about the importance of obedience to your parents, and loving your parents and honoring your parents, it's going to you know, for some people hurt them because their relationship with their parents is different. And it's not the best. And sometimes there are even situations in which there is parental abuse. And all of these things come into play. And I want to first and foremost say me Allah subhana wa tada make it easy for everyone that has struggled as a result of that, that is going through something with their parents that maybe went through something with their parents and lost their parents and never had a

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chance to reconcile. Some people converted to Islam and because they converted to Islam they faced, you know, hardship at the hands of their parents, they lost pants on make it easy for all of you and may last pants out, help you and comfort you and soothe you and give you the full reward of your intention to be, you know, at the service of your parents, even though it was an abnormal situation, Aloma I mean, so I just want to sort of start off by recognizing that, yes, there are exceptions to this rule. And that's what I want to talk about tonight, inshallah. Tada. Now,

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one of the tricky things about addressing a general audience is that sometimes you're going to hurt people that have very specific circumstances. And it is one of the most difficult things about giving hope, but even posting anything. And I just want to sort of remind everyone that when we read the Quran, Allah Subhana, WA tada is speaking to the general norm, normal circumstances. And the exceptions are highlighted either through the book of Allah for the son of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and then of course, elaborated upon by ourselves by the pious predecessors and the scholars that built upon what they left, so that the generalities are always going to be there, the

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norm is always going to be there. And so as you're reading through the portal, and there's countless, you know, reference to the importance of honoring our parents, even when they would tell us to do something as a greasiest as disbelieve in Allah subhanho wa Taala, there's still this constant emphasis on obeying your parents, loving your parents, honoring your parents, showing them kindness, lowering the wing of humility to them not even saying off to them, which would translate into even rolling your eyes at them or expressing any type of displeasure. All of this is emphasized throughout the poor. And, and so a lot is addressing the normal circumstances here, the not the

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exceptions to, to these rules. And that's the case, you know, by the way, with with marital relationships as well, right, of course, there are some specifics that are given in regards to arbitration and inheritance and things of that sort. But for the most part, when you look at the poor and innocent and speaking to

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the norm, not the exception, and that can still be hurtful to someone who reads the norm and thinks that either I'm falling short of it, or maybe there's a sign of divine displeasure because I'm not able to live up to this because of my circumstances which are shackling me. And there's a discussion that has to be had there. So I do want to sort of start off with a premise here. The premise is that the only relationship in which there is unconditional obedience is the relationship between you and Allah subhana wa Tada. The only relationship that exists, in which there is unconditional obedience is the relationship between you and your Lord. every relationship that comes after that, be it

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parent to child

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leader to subject spouses, children, siblings, employer to employee, all of the relationships that come after that have exceptions okay? Now there is no relationship after the relationship with Allah subhana wa tada that is more emphasized in the Quran and the Sunnah in terms of honor and obedience and love than the relationship of the parent to the child, right? Well call autoboca Allah terrible to Allah iya what Bill Walid, any Asada, that your Lord has decreed that you worship none but him, and that you show excellence and kindness to your parents. So that is there, and you can't take that away that's in the end. And that's something that's emphasized. Now, I want us to look at this

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through the lens of the companions of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam, I just actually had finished the last session of the first, we talked about sides of a castle, the law of town, who probably has the most painful story of a mother that commands her child to, to leave a slum, a mother that tortures herself, which is, you know, in the case of many of the companions, you know, it was even more painful than some of the pain that the parents inflicted on their own children, was the emotional blackmail of the mother of sad little the law of town, I'm home, to say that I will starve myself, I will not drink I will sit outside until the lice collects in my head until you leave Islam

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until you abandon the religion of Mohammed Saleh. It was something that pain that sadly, a lot of time and who felt was it was it was an extremely harsh pain, right? So we just talked about that. That's, that is that is a very difficult circumstance and a very difficult situation, that a person would be put in, especially someone who loves their mother, the way that sad, loved his mother. Now, there are countless examples of the Sahaba being harmed by their parents when they embraced Islam.

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In fact, some of them saw their father's on the opposite side of the battlefield on the day of bed, and then someone that David Morris on the day of bed, right, I mean, imagine the pain of these people seeing their fathers, on the other side, in bed. On top of that, they are reading the Quran, and the Quran is coming down with all of these references of how to honor your parents. Okay? So they had this experience where they were dealing with the situation of being harmed by their parents, while receiving the revelation or rather listening to the Prophet slicin and received the revelation of honoring their parents. So of course, there there's there's something there. And

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usually what that's talking about, by the way, is that the parents who ordered their children to commit should Allah subhana wa, tada ordered their children not to respond to their command to commit ship, but at the same time to still honor them. Despite that, right now, for many of the parents, if you don't commit Shut up, you are dishonouring me, right. So you have this conundrum. And in that situation, where you cannot break this, you know, this,

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this tension, if you will, then law attorney Matthew mazziotta, harlot as the prophets license said, you cannot obey a creation when the creation tells you to disobey the Creator. So at that point, I do everything that I possibly can. But you know, I cannot disobey Allah subhana wa Tada. And if my parents are going to think that by me, maintaining that religious commitment that, you know, I'm still dishonouring them, then I'm going to keep on honoring them in other ways until they realize that their demand is unreasonable. So sometimes it's unreasonable demands but like imagine sanada, fantasy la De La Hoya and the pain that he must have felt reading these verses realizing that he had

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to escape his father who put them in chains, right. So that would not that did not cause a model the law and who to develop a resentment to the poor. And but there was an understanding, right, that there are limits because the only unconditional relationship of obedience is the one of the servant to his or her Lord. So that's it right. Now. When we talk about parents, yes, we have to do everything that we possibly can to honor our parents to show them love to show them kindness. And we tolerate some of the things that come as a result of especially their their elderly age, and sometimes, you know, unreasonable statements or asks, those are some of the things that might

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happen, right, especially as our parents become advanced in age and that's why last panel, actually specifies when they become advanced in age that sometimes as they get older, they're going to say things they're going to they're going to ask things, they're going to do things that might hurt, they might, they might come off as unreasonable. And a loss of Hannah Montana speaks to that.

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All right. And I want to say that we have to learn in, you know, in normal circumstances, we have to do everything that we possibly can, in normal circumstances, to be the ones that honor the parents and to be the ones that love our parents, because far too many people will use, you know, will put themselves on equal footing when it comes to a disagreement when it comes to some sort of Fallout. And they will escalate with their parents, and, you know, quickly resort to, you know, a different framework or a different way of thinking, that leads them to not treat their parents, right. And so I think there's value in what Habib said, and you know, I talked about my mother, may Allah have

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mercy on her all the time, right? I think there is value in us talking about the ayat of the Quran, and the Hadith of the Prophet size alum and the sayings of the son of the sayings of the pious predecessors. Now, what does this not include? There's the famous saying of honorable Pablo, the law of town who and by the way, I don't know of any Sunnah, any actual chain that would make this binding, but it is a quoted story in many of the books of tarbiyah, that a man came to Omaha probably allowed an animal to complain about his son. And his son said, Does the child have rights upon the father and honorably hop out of the law title? And he said, Yes. And he said, What are

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those rights, he said that he chooses a good mother for him that he teaches him the poor, and that he gives them a good name, or that he gives him a good name and teaches him the core. And the father had failed to do all three of those things and on model the law of town who responded and set up the whole Kabbalah on your okok, that you have failed him. Or you, you know, far before he failed you that before he disobeyed, you did not do right by him. So that's there, right? Those types of things are there that certainly the children have rights upon the parents, the children have rights upon the parents and by the way, the more that Allah Subhana, Allah gives a person of responsibility of

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Amana, of, of degree over a person, the more egregious abuse becomes of that position of trust. And that's why when it comes to leadership, right, who is more despised in the sight of a loss of habitat than an oppressor than a tyrant? Right? Because Allah subhanaw taala gives you subjects Allah gives you people and you have a respect, you have a responsibility towards those who Allah subhana wa, tada, has assigned you extra rights. So that's there in the shediac. That's a built in mechanism. So when it comes to parents and their children, at no point, do you put yourself in an unsafe situation. So let's start there, that abuse is not acceptable, right? abuse is not

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acceptable, especially abuse in which there's no question about it being abuse, abuse is never acceptable. And if a person is abused by their parents, then they should take themselves out of that situation. And they should seek help, and they should not feel guilty for doing so. Now, it becomes trickier when it comes out when it comes into the realm of you know, what's sort of, you know, an infraction, you know, that is part of everyday relationship where people are going to overstep where people are going to say things sometimes where people are going to do some things sometimes, and a repeated pattern of abuse. And when it comes to that level, what I will say is this, is that seeking

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an intervention from an aunt or an uncle or from someone else, is not disobeying or dishonouring, the parents, so he said, leaving a situation of abuse is certainly not dishonouring them, right. If anything that, you know, the the sin is then greater on them. But the second layer of that, which is to seek intervention is not disobeying the parents, if it's less than that, right, where it doesn't require an intervention yet, but to express yourself and to, to say, look, Mom, Dad, I want to talk to you and look, when you use these words, it hurts, I'm dealing with certain situations here, I'm going through something or these particular words thing, or I feel like this is then you know,

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that's not disobeying the parents, that's not dishonouring them, right, what becomes harmful or when it comes when it falls in the sinful is when a person becomes abusive to their parents, right, when a person becomes, you know, violent towards their parents or starts to say things towards their parents or do things towards their parents, right. So seeking mechanisms by which you can better your relationship once it comes under, you know, away from abuse in which you have full rights to disconnect yourself from that situation, you should not feel guilty. If you have left that situation, you know, especially when you have an objective person to tell you that indeed, you know,

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this, this is, you know, a situation that you should get out of, and that you should not be in.

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But we're talking about that second level, which is when you're trying to have conversations with your parents, where you're trying to balance

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Once the honor to them while also articulating some of the hurt that comes through some of their words and some of their actions or whatever it may be, that's not disobeying them or dishonouring them. At no point should a person become volatiles where they're they're screaming to where they're yelling at their parents to where they're becoming abusive towards their parents and those types of things, right? That's not the character of the believer, certainly not to your parents, okay. Now, after all that is said and done. Every single person has their unique circumstances, every single people has their specific circumstances. You have a Lord, who is most merciful, who is most just to

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seek help to seek guidance from someone to help you navigate turbulent times. None of that is contrary to the two I couldn't have lost out to the trust in Allah subhanaw taala. And, you know, I want to end with one particular thing, which is a story from the companions of the Prophet size that I think is extremely powerful, which is that you know, imagine being a Chroma or a Chroma even Abidjan, Eric Rama, la de la hora, and who was one of those who fought against the Prophet Sai sentiment or hood and in fact was one of those responsible along with high level of the law Town Hall, and I'm broadly aligned with the time they weren't muslims for hurting the Muslims the way

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that they did and, and the prophets I seldom, you know, told the Muslims not to speak ill of Abu jihad

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or not to not not okay, we can speak ill of ABA Journal of course, but not to harm a Croma by reminding him of Abuja, reminding him that his father is was the Pharaoh of the oma because a coma had natural feelings, obviously, and that that could be a form of belittling him and hurting him so not to use the name of Abuja around a coma in a way that would hurt echo model of the long time. I think there's something very beautiful about that, which is, look, Eliza knows we're human beings at the end of the days at the end of the day, our heart pulls in certain directions and for some people that wanted to have a good relationship with their parents but there was an abnormal situation where

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the parent shut the door you're not to be faulted for that. And you have a lord that's merciful and understanding and just but we start off with just like with everything else saying that Yeah, I did my absolute best, as long as you can say I did my absolute best and you did Sure. With righteous people, with scholars with people that could help diagnose the situation I did my best and inshallah tada you you know, your intention is sound, and you're not to be blamed for any of that hurt that then came your way. So May Allah subhanaw taala cure our broken hearts may lost contact here are broken relationships where they there's still a chance for them to be cured. May Allah Subhana Allah

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allow us to do best allow us to show axon to everyone that he has assigned axon to in our lives and the last contact make us recipients of the exam alumna mean, if this still does not help, I apologize. I certainly understand again, these are messages general messages that are you know, meant to help us sort of navigate within a framework but at the same time, understand that they're going to be people with specific situations May Allah help us all. I mean, it'll help you all to get through whatever it is that you're getting through and I should say again, you know, right now everyone is struggling with something they lost parents and to help all of all of you through

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whatever hardship you may be struggling with them. Eliza's enable us to help others as well deserved a lot of hate on and I'll see you all inshallah tomorrow night and I apologize tonight was a long talk with Cinema Camera until I hear that