Channel: Edris Khamissa
Nine minutes after 11 I said Mr. Deacon, welcome back to America on radio Islam international and very, very warm welcome from halfway across the world for a very sunny sir Mr. de como rahmatullah wa barakato
walaikum salam wa barakaatuh My beloved mowlana the ocean can never separate that molana yes yes you're so far away but you sound like you just goes to me because I think our hearts are connected. So there is no distance
absolutely no and Shall I pray that how our hearts are united that people's hearts the United family has the United Dell umbrella I mean, I mean, I mean, if you say how are you keeping?
I am wonderful I love this thing. I cannot thank ally enough but at the same time you make dua ball or friends are going for different challenges. You know, people who aren't gonna get them chifa man, look up to them man. bring joy to people. May Allah unite the hearts of couples May Allah help in laws to deal with a daughter in laws and vice versa. And we pray that you know, we are in this time of frenetic energy, we do not forget our purpose, why we are born and what that gets you really via inshallah? Yes, I mean, that is the important part that we need to always keep perspective of who we are, what our purpose is, and very importantly, what are we leaving behind for the future
generations and what legacy we're leaving behind in terms of our character models and the lessons that we are leaving behind inshallah, as is written by what's what's the purpose of your trip, this time around in the UK.
Very short trip. I've been invited by the community, specifically the school in Southampton. This evening, they've got their fundraising function, they invited the Junaid Jamshed and they wanted me to come and, you know, the brother charges is such a good brother, you know, it was such a such a pure heart. You know, every time he sees me, he calls me Habibi cries. Because he loves online, there are so much you know, he's a person who was a fixture for the dean picker for the children. And this is my third time he has invited me to Southampton. And he, I said, I don't have to come. He said, No, no, brother, we are We want you to come, you're part of us and you want to have, we want
you to help us them that evening, to raise funds for the school. So I'm delighted.
Casey is part of a fundraiser for the school, they're
only going to be
Just a few days.
It is way over this, let's first deal with some of the counseling in green some of the challenges that you've been facing over the past weeks.
You know, one of the big challenges is a recurring challenge. I think, you know,
we, as parents, especially, sometimes, you know, our daughter laws, not men may not behave as they supposed to behave, protecting what's very important is critical, that they must make every effort to give their son and daughter in law some place. You know, as long as they are happy, and they do not show any disrespect, give them the space. And that's the fundamental, there's one area that I've been dealing with the skinny area is that.in laws themselves, must, you know, ensure that their husband is very important that he fulfills his responsibility as a son, you know, if he's a single son, and the responsive becomes even greater those two things. The third thing that I need to think
about is that, you know, in almost every case, you know, you cannot, you know, really make the couple's need the past, you know, they always want to speak about the past, even during the General Accounting session, he or she talks about the past so that you inform the counselor about your pain, you talk about the past so the counselor can understand fully, but to keep on repeating it, you know, our nauseum, he doesn't help, the counselor doesn't, nor does he help
the perpetrator of the wrong, those three things, they are the few more things I need to share with you. This is a time more than any other time I find. I don't know what it is that our fathers especially has seemed to have lost the masculine
Unity they made a shift and bi free to to a subject policy for the children. Right, those that and the last trick that I want to speak about is the whole issue about family dynamics at play. I think, you know, one of the things that I've been encouraging as you know, molana that the families themselves must, must must ensure that the relationship at home is meaningful, that they have meaningful interactions, there is a routine so these five things for me are extremely, extremely critical.
So let's let's take them one at a time, inshallah seasons, and we'll take the last one. First, with regards to the family and the family structure, the importance of husbands and fathers playing the role that they are meant to play, and it's all interlinked aspects of our social lives. You know, one of the things it is by that we seem to distance from our Deen but is actually part of our deal and part of our piety is the aspect of our social relationship. That is why every time we
book double, Mashallah, you know, advocates of social interactions. He wrote an entire book about it. And it is part of our gaining closeness to Allah subhanho wa Taala. It is not a separate issue. And we need to remember that it is necessary for us to maintain good family ties and maintain a good relationship, work on that relationship in order for us to progress spiritually as well.
Absolutely no, monana you know, gfcf a song give me feedback. Our beloved Manasa man Mola gave a talk in Durban the last few weeks ago. And the topic he discussed is, how do you feel alone? You sell them for the smile to people? And that's the fundamental, that's the bottom imperative. And the question is, do you bring smiles to people? Or when people look at you, the chest gets heavy? Do you bring smiles to a person or you are a person that sees anxiety? Do you join the hearts of people? Or are you a person that creates a fitna? Do you, for example, are a healer or you're a gossiper? manzara? Are you a person that gives people hope or people can become despondent? Are you optimistic
or pessimistic? Are you a kind of person that shows people the way when they come to you, or when people come to you, you find that they realize that there is no hope for them? Do you invoke in them a love and the mercy for board on my theory kind of person, that you only remind them about john demeanor, what kind of individual you are, and these are fundamental things because in the end, this is important, you know, even when you look back at your loved ones, you look back at those that have passed away, and those that really endearing those that brought a smile to you, you also smile back notwithstanding all those wonderful chairs. And this is the whole point this is the point is this,
that the culture told me to change radically, that culture must be away from condensation and struggle, he must be a culture of warmth, a culture of formation, a culture with a positive attributes. And we need to do that these are sindicato Matthew sitting and says very well for his mind mana to talk about this, you have no idea what challenges we go through, let me tell you, I find that the people go through most challenges. Often those who bring the biggest smiles are those that give the greatest hope. Unlike those who sit quite 50 they can sit back and only complain moan and groan, you know.
And this is the entity that you're speaking about it is by those people who go through the biggest challenges in life. Often those who bring the biggest smiles to others. And they're the ones who will really brighten up the day of other people just by the good words and the kind words and you notice, one of the messages that I was reading the other day, is that you are most likely to like and be attracted to a person who makes you feel better about yourself. So wouldn't it then be a sort of positive trait in every one of us if we could make people feel better about themselves all the time
but the bottom line
is the bottom line is the generosity of your heart. You see, it's about the purity of your heart. Are you a person that feels happy for the people, or you're a kind of person that prays for those that I need? The about you? It's about your attitude. It's about your venue.
Like some of us have nothing good to say about the people, some of us are insanely jealous.
He must be happy. He must be happy for people to go after them. Because what we forget to realize that this world is not a utopia is not Nirvana, this is not a Jana Jana is supposed to come. And we all of us are going to be tested the fact that whatever befalls you comes from Allah. And why should you fight with Allah, that Allah who knows better than you does not to whom inshallah will attain Jana? Why, why we don't understand that. So therefore, it is important for us not to make this odious comparison. Many people say, Oh, I wish I married her, I see the public purse, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish. And yet the reality of life, you see, we make decisions in our life. And we
got to stick to the decisions, we've got the managers decision, and see how best you can lead a happy life. And if you do not find happiness, he does not mean you'll not find eternal happiness.
just by as far as, as marriages go,
you know that you deal with many, many marital problems, and many issues, you know, the the issue of non communication between husband and wife. And
when they cannot come to a
resolution, or a an agreement between the two of them about how the country is raising up the kids? What set of morals principles are they going to be
keeping to when it comes to raising up the kids? what the rules are going to be showing? You? Can you come across that quite quite a lot?
I want to fishing that with this comment. You see what you got to bear in mind. And people do not understand that men and women are so so different women are generally more expressive men are not so expressive, right. And I think we need to understand that right. But I am not suggesting that men cannot be more expressive so that he's able to communicate with his wife and interact. Of course, you mustn't be non expressive about fundamental issues in your life. And I think it's important, let's suppose, for example, as a role, as the beginning, have conversations, they don't have to have arguments with this system, they unwind the talk about the day, and you listen without interruption.
That's the beginning. The second fundamental thing is, is that you got to speak all the time about our children and the loved ones, because you speak about it, you're going to speak about how best we can do what's best for them, try to understand the experience to try to understand who they are, try to understand the fact that you know that parenting is about the role of both parties together. And that's very critical. The third important dimension is this is how to create cohesion. And one of the things that often worries me, very, very sad. And I see sometimes, you know, you and your husband, for example, may not get long, too well, I just don't miss understanding or to any thing
else that might have prevailed. But I think it is a very sad indictment on any one of the parties, who poisons their children's mind about the father or the mother, you cannot do that is grossly unfair, it is covered discovered. And then as a result, children themselves is served them showing respect, reciprocal love for their parents, they often choose one or the other point in choosing one loving the person so much at the exclusion of other and This to me is very, very, very sad. And that often comes from a sister or a brother, that have low self esteem. And that is fundamental, you should not allow any one individual to impinge on the love that shouldn't or to have love for the
parents. So communication is very critical. And I think, you know, people would realize sooner than later, once they start communicating, just feel much lighter. They feel they're able to deal with the world challenges in a much more composed way, in a much more optimistic way, you know?
it is a
question that I asked with regards to not being
able to agree on the type of upbringing of children.
Often you'll find a situation where the mother would be.
Or we would see one of the parents would be forcing the kids to try and maintain a certain standard not watching television and this and that. And then you would find the other parent would be lenient in that regard, whether it is this rule or that whatever rule it may be, but one of the parents has taken it, and the parents are lenient on it. And this would create a sort of confusion within the children. And then obviously, this miscommunication between the spouses and it creates
sort of bitterness between the spouses, how do we handle that?
You know, what, that That, to me is a real issue even more extreme, when they say what happens, kids are torn between the parents, you know, I mean, Islam is about a balance. And I think it's very important that parents should have a mutual understanding about the children, because one of the things that I mentioned so many times, one of the four reasons why couples divorce is when they have a very divergent view about how to bring up the children. And children do not thrive in a situation where the father and mother are in conflict. In fact, it destroys them. In fact, what it also does, if you are incubating a monster, when you especially when you see something and your thought, is
undermining you, so children know exactly how to
pardon the the metaphor, how to play the cards as it were right. And this is the whole point, nothing that's very important. At the same token, I'm reminded of a few things that I've been also experiencing recently, you know, we may be some parents have got such a jaundiced view about Islam. Such a narrow, narrow view about Islam is really an Islamic major versus a version of Islam. They feel Islam is never at all is a place for any degree of enjoyment. There is no degree for happiness as it was walk around, as if you're constipated, you've got to squelch the creativity of children, you've got to stifle them, you've got to lock them up in your home, tell me what what kind of this
being is. And especially when we are told the purposes of navigation allowed, he was tell them and you're not defined by Who's your father who's your mother, who's your brother or your sibling, you're defined as three of fate is defined by the fact that he belongs enormity of navies and allow you to sell them. So I get very, very worried, very, very worried that sometimes in some homes, really, we really, almost, you know,
explicate the spirit of individuals is a kind of sadness. And you find that these children many of them cannot cope with the realities of marriage. They've never ever had a conversation with the father or the mother. They never had a conversation with siblings, they wake up from society, they will get in a corner they were told you cannot do only things that you cannot do. And Islam I mean, you know, when I came across this commission allow you to tell them that the worst effect the father must ingest food with the family that gets put, you know, as the other buy from Allah blessed in the August send me Juma messages and he thinks about it. Such a powerful, powerful comment to be just
for what does it mean? It means to love to play too slowly, Carnaby Johnson was that our Navy similar similar sense of humor, our Navy celestron was romantic get a capacity for these things. But the way we present Islam is completely completely wrong. And therefore I'm saying it with my heart in my mouth for day four, you find that our children today want to come home, he had just put it down to get a medical sticky situation, because they will run away from the oppression of the home. And this is something that I find molana is something that is I am concerned is grossly grossly unacceptable.
It is very, it's 28 minutes after 11. I'd like to take this opportunity of welcoming our listeners to contribute to the program as well. You can SMS me 0731738461 you can call in a 118541548. My engineer Sanchez is awaiting your call. And it this way. We have to take a short break now for a few minutes and we'll come back. inshallah we'll speak you just on the other side of the break. Stay tuned to our master recovery slam International.
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28 minutes before 12 Welcome back to our mashreq and welcome back to our guests disease visa, please SMS 0731738461 for any questions or queries that you may be having a display welcome back to the program.
You get what I always get a background. So my father mentioned one more thing before I forget, you know, sometimes in life, you know, the issues at home, become part of the public dialogue and people get to know about some of the things may be also scandalous when it affects the reputation, the family and sometimes because of the pressure, the others outside your home know about something that instead of you are trying to forgive
it's of your is that you're trying to forgive? What happens is this, this pressure on society's part for you not to forgive, because you're concerned about what they're going to say and I say to people in the end, you know, align His mercy when he forgives you is finished, right? And then he also want Allah to forgive us. And I think it's important for couples, no matter what they go through, no matter how can the cities is when people show remorse, you can really improve your relationship. And I think I would encourage people to do that. I mean, and they are those I mean, even though something is not part of the public just because they want to be appear to be infallible, that did
not make any mistakes and they don't want to forgive pricing that forgiveness is a such a noble thing. Such as, you know, in addition, a lovely or seldom I mean, he forgave for things that you and I, you know, will never dream of doing. Look at it is the highest of all last creation is a very embodiment of mercy. And, and now the restructuring came as a mercy on all mankind. So all the say to people, please my brothers and my sisters, your husband, your wife, he or she is going to make mistakes. And you need to forgive naturally. I mean, you cannot forgive for the rest of your life. And there's similar things happening all the time, a guest we dealt with a need to seek counsel and
so on and so forth. You know,
Yes, insha Allah, and it is very safe, as far as it goes with our elderly, in the community. And this also is an issue that you may have dealt with quite a bit. You know, dealing with the elderly, obviously a person has to be more patient, they have to be more considerate of the needs and necessities and the practicalities, also, but
you know, it's just some advice on dealing with the elderly in the community, how to make them feel more comfortable, and particularly those whom whom we are not related to.
In fact, you must always tell people, when you talk to an elderly, you must imagine that you are visiting yourself someday, you also are going to be the case on who allowed us and reminded us that, you know, if you think of Allah and the time of prosperity, and think of the the time of adversity, there's one aspect is to give them emotional support, physical support, be there their side, because I have no doubt in my mind, if you took time from your busy schedule, to interact with the elderly, Allah will give you a bargain your signs, allow any bless your death, I have no doubt on this. The second thing is this.
Second thing, second thing is this, that what we what we need to do, also is that we must also learn from the wisdom of the elderly. And I'm gonna share with you one classic example something that my, my dad and then used to do. And I remember whenever there was a function, or a wedding or something in the family, whatever, he would sit with these first cousins, his brother, and they'll discuss it, they'll discuss who they should invite, and so on, and so forth. And they were, they showed a lot of concern. And they were there was limited in what they did, you know, they wanted to really invite those that the near and far, they want to invite the young and the old MBA, for them, it was very
important for them, it was not purely a family function, but a community function, the community got completely involved in this function. And nowadays, you find that, you know, you find people have given functions, they do not even seek any counsel, any advice or bring their family members together. And then this is to me, I find something that is lacking, and what he really does, instead of uniting the hearts of the sibling, it's really a treat some kind of wedge, and you're so I'm so so glad that you're referring to the age and you know, you know, you know, we had our age, you know, I remember as a kid, when my father turned 40, I said, My God, my father is getting old, you know,
and I'm 63 years old, I say, you know, and the other day, I got my bed, as if I'm a 19 year old, and I split my back.
So but I'm so glad you're speaking about this year, because you see, you know, a soul problem or learner, many of us every relationship, dysfunctional relationship is how much I can get out of the money I can make awesome, is not profit sharing. It's about that kind of situation, therefore, and if you have that kind of agenda, then you've got no time except for yourself. But if it fully a time for yourself from a Islamic perspective, then you'll have time for the agent. Yes, it is I received a question of WhatsApp personality compression for it is by how do you trust in deal with a spouse who exposes everything in the home to all and sundry?
You know, what, I think that that is an issue, that, firstly, there are few things that the person must do, I suggest five things, the one is that you need to speak to the husband about it, to discuss it in a meaningful way. And also, he was very critical that you discuss it as a as a time when the husband or you know is in a happier mood. The second, the third thing that the second thing that you need to do basically, if need to eat the if you can get a someone who knows the family, who is aware of it for that person to think about in your in your absence, say you know, I noticed you do this or that that can be done by someone who knows about it. The third aspect for this must be
his mentioning here is very serious. I think, you know, I would suggest that I'm not too sure how long they married, but I would recommend that they seek some kind of counsel. The fourth thing that I would recommend, if they've got big children, right, it's very important for the children who know what's right and wrong section need to think about it. And the last thing that we need to do, to me, this is also very, very fundamental is to sit down with us
as an individual, and not only talk about it, you've got to share exactly what is happening is really, really upsetting you is not something that's bringing joy. And you need to confront that issue you know,
visitors face when it comes to spouses and exposing, you know, we we know the hadith of Osama sama Hollings in reality cinema holism said that you should not expose what goes on in your private life to everybody and in a way we need to keep things concealed between ourselves. And in a consider this hadith of Nagisa, mahali, Islam also, that that person who conceals the faults of others, Allah, Allah will conceal his faults. And that person who reveals the faults of others, Allah will reveal his false, so much so that you will be disgraced even within his own home. So we should keep this, these ahaadeeth and these warnings from Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, in our mind as well.
That's such an appropriate and relevant and personal, at least that we're talking about, you know, you know, I I really, I mean, who are the people who will do that? I mean, you know, when you expose what's happening in your own home, he gets shows me that you've got no self respect, you've got no dignity, you know, you do not respect those that you're supposed to love. Your day, the home is not a sanctuary. A home is a place, you know, it's a very private thing. I tell me know, many people, that beyond the four walls, because I deal with people issues, I tell people, you have no idea what goes on sometimes, what appears to be a picture of tranquility is not we know they have their own
issues. And what you're seeing is so slim. And let us take a step at a time they Allah, forgive us if we are that individual. So do that. Forgive us so that we begin to resuscitate the confidence, rekindle the love and the compassion at home enough.
Another question that has come in with regards to communication between spouses, if it is, in this message, and it's out, is always it is said speak to your husband? very correct. But what about those husbands who don't or hardly communicate with the wife, very private chats we have in Dublin with others comment for these dear sisters in Islam?
Yes, you know, I guess to me is very, very tragic. And, and, and I think most I don't generalize, but I won't say most, but many husbands are very guilty of that. outside the home, they animated, the convenience, the convenience, and the excitement, and they talk about things in life and so on and so forth. And they told me the time they become unduly reticent. And I think that's grossly unfair, you know, because I think is also they have an erroneous perception of what the role is the thing if I close my wife, Peter, that assumption I don't come home and talk about it. Yes, agree, you know, in the sense that you know, you come home you need to unwind, but you cannot unwind all
the time you there must be some time in the day when you're able to sit down and talk and share what your heart how you spend your day, but they want to know that because in the end, the wife is either working or working while the tone he also needs to know how you spend the day there needs to be reciprocal understanding and empathy inshallah
it is very it's now gone 17 minutes before 12 we have to take another break, and inshallah we'll continue after that. For the listeners you most welcome to SMS 0731738461. Stay tuned for my second lady Sam International. This show.
the SEMA show
Welcome back to a message from a slam international and welcome back to at least camisa, who is speaking to us all the way out of London today, please very welcome back.
Nothing Alhamdulillah you know, while the sonic crumbles away, after they share something, you know, I've seen that when people and individuals are prepared to forgive and move on, you can do great stuff, you know, just the other day I was just with a couple last. Why do you know what you call yourself out of 10 in this relationship, you said to the husband said zero and very alum vanilla, you know, they're really working at the relationship. They're trying very, very hard. And they're far happier, because they took my advice, you know, I'm not in my advice to say they I mean, if you're prepared to take advice and prepare for that you make a huge difference in your life, you
just it's just a matter of changing according to the advice that is given to us and especially when you visit a counselor or visit somebody who is there to advise you, and they can see from the outside sometimes you cannot see your own faults. So you cannot see what to improve within yourself. And these people advise you we should take that advice and you know, make the most of it. I think
any In fact I mean when you go to a doctor and your your prefer to go to a doctor who has been exposed to your challenge 1000 times over, isn't it? Yeah, maintenance. So then similarly, when you go through a problem, sometimes we assume that it's unique. No one has been through what you've been through, and what you're going through, there is no hope in it. But you know, and counselors know better so I think it's important that an assist is my brother's you know, really I mean, I find it quite disconcerting, that many brothers today automatic and pride Oh, I didn't know what are they living in a fool's paradise they think they are. You know, you know, God says to a woman kind, they
will never ever go for counseling many of them. And they feel the wife requires constantly talking about marriage, to stabilize a marriage Nakama stabilizing an individual is about relationship dynamics, and I hope the brothers you know, and many of them who are stubborn, don't go for it. When the wife decides is over. Now, they certainly don't want to go for it.
We should not feel shy of counseling as well it is why we are generally afraid of counseling. And when the word counseling comes up, then we are very defensive, but in fact counseling should be taken in a positive light.
In fact, all of us require counseling, you know, every now and then be required constant we need help. Because sometimes we are caught up in our own work, and you're not able to look at ourselves objectively. Therefore we are told that delivers that we are medicine
to each other, why is it they are mirrors of each other? So another person may see what you cannot see about yourself. And that is so fundamental, you know, and I would encourage people, you know, I mean, I mean totally a guy that
lacks a lot of common sense that he would think he's born with life without ever ever confronting issues you know.
It is very revealing to allow you to carry on with your with your conference right now. And we thank you for your time.
I'm about to, I'm looking at the same time I met the Waterloo station in
my train, shall I go Ramananda is always a joy to speak to you. And my love is belongs to all the listeners. And I hope you can eat much better now. molana Yes, Alhamdulillah sugar getting a bit more pain now with with the hand veggie burger from the marketing better.
A shout out to get stronger. Okay. Montenegro, La
it was it was me speaking to us. Well, interesting out of a train station in London chicken view for listening in on the program this morning and the questions that you sent through and she came to my studio, Brittany said inshallah, we will speak to you next week Monday, from Geneva Sato Salaam alikum warahmatu Allahi wa barakato.