Channel: Edris Khamissa
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Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh Helen was certainly one must have been become the SMS line for the program 08236868 double six. That is 08236868 double six. The email address estimote after Islam live.com we have Mirage and he sat with us on the line, Marana salaam aleikum wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
The program fortunately said, you know, discuss a bit more on views and maybe kindness towards one spouse is Allah. Yes. Another aspect of
people going to the extent of abusing the next human being, when we talk about abuse, and especially when it comes to the marriage program, that would be our minds would immediately call to spousal abuse, one spouse abusing the next spouse, generally,
abusing the next human being a person, unfortunately goes to that extent, and goes to that level of abuse Now, what is abuse? And how can a person stoop to that level of abuse? And what are the reasons? And the person who is a victim? How could they deal with it? And how should they deal with it now, very interesting, take in very interesting angles to look at it from was once what we heard in a lecture by Simona Ibrahim De La Habra, bahala,
when Milena mentioned that you find guarding the banks, in our cities, in our towns, you'd find security personnel guarding the banks, we would find security personnel, accounting, major supermarkets and businesses because they're getting a lot of cash. You find security personnel guarding human beings, as well, more jewelry stores and things like that. Now, what are those security personnel guarding against? Are they afraid of a, an attack by a wild elephant? Are they afraid of an attack by a wild lion that align with learning and start attacking the people are they afraid of an attack by by snakes? Obviously, they're not afraid of that. And they're not guarding
against that they are guarding against other human beings, who have stoop to that level that they will try and attack these people. And they will try and take these institutions. So Milan explains that a human being has gone down in models in character in ethics, in in basic behavior, to the extent that they have stooped lower rim animals. And
these people, the security personnel, like guarding against other human beings, we have become worse than animals that they are going to come out launching attack may kill some people may rob me harm may hurt people. And that's why the security personality, so many people have to stoop to this level that they go on to become abusers of others, they harm others physically.
They harm others, emotionally and mentally. They have the opportunities that other people may have had, you know, person may have an opportunity of going up in the job, person may have had an opportunity of going up in the business or person may have had an opportunity in school of becoming better of making progress. And you would find others who would harm them in that particular thing that they were making progress in and they would stop and possibly try and close the doors for that.
what is abuse? And how does a person go to becoming an abuser? Firstly, if we try and narrow it down, and because our topic is based on on marriage, to try and narrow it down, we're going to discuss marital abuse and spousal abuse
between husband and wife when abuse takes place now, for person looks at the word abuse, you will see that it's made out of use and use means to utilize something and to use it in the correct manner and abuse. We can look at it from the Arabic word of vellum and what is vellum? Very, most students have been have learned the definition of vellum in Arabic we use it quite often what are shaped mahogany to utilize something where it is not meant to be utilized, or to put something where it is not meant to be put or to do something or to do an act against something which is not meant to be done against
A particular thing that is abuse. Now,
when it comes to spousal abuse, if you look at it, a person will think that spousal abuse means that has been lifted his hand, and he smacked his wife across the face. Or he left he he formed his fist, and he punched her in the face for going the body. Or he threw her against the wall, sort of images that we would get in our mind when it comes to abuse. But Milena, with that physical abuse, which is a horrible state in hotter Berlin, a very lonely stage that a person can stoop to that you get another type of abuse, which is emotional, or psychological abuse, which
is sometimes even worse than the physical abuse. We remember,
we did a poem in one of our Arabic grammar books, which used to say, shout out to cinemavilla healthy, while Majora Hollis, I know that when a person wounds you with a spear, that wound of the spear will heal, it will take time but it eventually will heal the blood will stop flowing and the skin will close up it will cover up the scar and perhaps you may be left with a small scar sometimes you're not left with anything. But the wound of the tongue will never ever heal the the the effects of that will continuously flow out, that person will continuously feel that pain in the heart and will continuously affect the person. So there's two types of abuse that we can look at emotional
abuse and physical abuse. And look at how these these two types of abuse occur. And why a person goes to that level. Sometimes we may be abusing ourselves, maybe not physically maybe emotionally but we're not realizing it until now that my words have been had hurting or harming my spouse. And maybe we can elaborate on that inshallah. inshallah sisters reminder, the topic is with regards to abuse, whether it's physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, whichever way it may be neglect also could be could be counted in abuse, and the SMS line for the program is 082368268, double six, the number to dial zero double 185154. Well, many times they say that emotional abuse can be the
most difficult to identify because like you said, your physical abuse would leave a scar would leave a mark would be something that is easy to identify. But your emotional abuse, there is no usually there is no outward signs of the abuse. And this many times happens in in terms of getting angry or going too far. Or sometimes criticism as well. This also can fall into emotional abuse. And this can hurt and cause more damage than physical abuse. Actually, Cosmo is a very important point that you make them. People not able to identify emotional abuse, sometimes the abuser himself does not even realize when he's doing and the effects of it are much more far reaching. I remember discussing once
with a psychologist, that when a person is a victim of emotional abuse, may become so much dependent on the abuser, so much dependent on the abuser, that they do not even realize that they are sort of entrapped by that person. they endured and they are entrapped. They are in any sort of mental jail that a person has put them into. And they cannot even break away from the jail no matter how hard they try. You would find a lady who is emotionally abused continuously and a regular basis, you would find her that if somebody had to say something bad about as dumb as you know, your husband is doing all of this to you. Please take a step. Step away from him, you know, distance yourself from
him, you destroying yourself by staying with him. She would say no, you're talking a lie. And I am completely fine with it. What is your problem? Why are you interfering interfering in our relationship?
You know, you'll see from the outset that this person is abusing her tremendously. He's really making her life a misery. But when you're asked her, she would say no, no, there's nothing wrong with it. Absolutely. No problem and you've got no business in involving yourself in that is because the psychologist says that lady becomes dependent on the abuser after a lengthy period of abuse that they actually feel that they owe that abuser
Their life, that is the sort of mental effect that it takes upon a person like they feel they owe the abuser that they have a life to the entire existence depends on the person who is abusing them. And so they will they find it very, very difficult to break away from that. And sometimes
they feel it is even necessary for them to remain with a person all of the time.
And many times mana Devi the deform or the harms of it, they after mental health disorders, you find, you find dysfunctional behaviors, and you find the person can never be normal that the abuser or the one that is actually being abused many times and becomes very rebellious themselves. And they tend to bring up this emotional aspect in themselves that that's the moment someone says something to them, this self esteem drops tremendously. Oh, yes, whenever they have almost a non existent self esteem. And another important point that you bring up the effect of that, that this person taking the abuse, they may be tolerant Allah tala may have given them a big heart failure tolerance, a
thick skin where they can take anything that this person throws at them, and they just go quietly about the way carry on with their work. They don't feel anything, they don't
show any outward signs. But the effect that it has, sometimes on the children is great, where the children are now seeing this on a continuous basis, seeing their mother being emotionally abused in sometimes they seen the Father being abused all of the time, you know, heckled, criticized, belittled put down. And it continues like that, to such an extent that either one of the two things will happen, the children may completely lose respect for the victim.
In that very often is happening. I've seen it happening as well, that the children lose respect for the victim of the abuse, that is the Father, you take this example, if the father calls the mother, if you effect, you lazy, he will leave you useless. You're nothing and You're hopeless, I get no joy out of you, you do nothing for me, you cooking is rubbish. This man continues like that. When this children, they noticing it, they listen to it, they see it happening all the time when they grow up. That is the impression of the of the mother that has been imprinted in the children's minds. What happens, they will then also go Mother, you useless. Mother tries to admonish them, I don't care, I
don't need to listen to you.
I don't need to respect you. And to an extent where we have seen also, the children have gone on to becoming physically abusive of their mothers, because of the impression that the father left in their mind, Mama with regards to some of the statistics that I read some time ago, this year, roughly 3 million children are at risk of exposure to abuse each year. Children in homes where a parent is abusing the partner. Some of the facts is the many times the ancestor blames themselves for not preventing the violence or causing it. They actually traumatized by fear for the mother or one of the spouse and their own helplessness in projecting that that parents and then you find the
the many of them actually then start committing crimes against another person. Or they actually start using drugs alcohol and and start becoming abusive towards other people themselves. And
it answers the question that why do people abused very often they come from a home that was abusive, and so they go on themselves to become abusers. Very important. Interesting point is that the young person witnessing this abuse very often blame themselves for not stopping the service for not
putting an end to it or not trying to defend the mother from that abuse. Now, Milena, when this young person looks at the father, beating up the mother, or eating the mother or swearing at the mother, and the child, young, helpless,
think that you know I could have stopped my parents from doing it especially when the outcome is very grave. Eventually the parent either goes mother Eicher as it goes to commit suicide or the mother either becomes completely a psychological mess. Or the mother eventually dies because of that abuse. And then the son will love his entire life in
guilt and self blame, because he the things that he could have stopped it, but he did not make enough efforts. That's that's the perception of the idea that he has. Now we need to, very importantly manana clear our closets. Firstly, the people who are abusing others, they need to introspect and look at themselves and think about it, that I am committing a grave act against next human being what justifies my action, we find that cheap and very easily makes it a just thing for us to hurt somebody to hit somebody. And shaytan would tell us, yes, this lady, she's not behaving the way that she wants to she's asking for a snack, or she's not making money. And very often you
would hear men making statements like this now and then you need to give them one tomato one now and then
put them in a place asking for it. I don't want to see them
in person. But now in many cases, just go over overstepped the limit stay or go overboard, and the asking for it. And then this man will let loose and he will go over the limit completely himself. And he'll start abusing his spouse. So don't think of it that this person is asking for it. Wait, if this person asked for you to lift your hand against them, maybe this person say to you that hit me and abused me, give me a blow I passed my lip, break my nose, break my arms, break my legs, you know, Milena, we we've heard from ladies who have called in crying and saying that my husband has broken my lips. I find it difficult to freeze. My husband has broken my arm. My husband has hit me
so much that I can't even go out in public I can't even go and visit my parents I'm so shy. Because of how my face looks. I can't even walk today properly because of what my husband has done to me and has been is beat me up so much that I lost the baby that I was getting in my womb. You know, we've we've heard things like that ladies have called in innovative. Ladies from the helpline, the helpline the key line, making a testimony to this problem facing such situations on a daily basis when Anna has become so live in our community that people feel that willy nilly, they can go out and they can hit their wives whenever they like however they like they can abuse their wives, and they
can hurt them however they want.
So we find some sort of a lesser mahadi
a number of women came to their soul on home. They came to complain that their husbands had beaten them. There was sort of a lesser law it was announced that men who beat their wives and not good men, and we found with with regards to the emotional aspect of it. There was sort of a lesser one Madison said that no believing men should hold a grudge against a believing woman. So what is her husband to do if he just like some things about his wife, this is this is something that is is bound to occur. And we find that no human being is perfect. So there are sort of Allah Coronavirus, and then beautiful instructed that one should look out for the agreeable place. And these are the good
qualities in one spouse.
Also another hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu, something comes to mind. We may be sort of lohani Islam says, Why? to any one of you hit your wives in the morning. And then in the evening. You want to bet them, you hit them in the morning in the evening, you want to share the bed with them. Now how will they tell you? How will they balance out? How will that wife even feel? Like coming near to the husband? How will she even feel like showing love to the husband, who in the morning was beating her heart beating her up like a like a donkey?
from another people who involve themselves in abuse really have to take stock of themselves do they consider themselves human being to reconsider itself Sometimes you'd find a person outwardly that he would be named in public you will be like a sheep in public but when he enters into his home, then he is physically abusing his wife. He is using his children. He's causing a whole lot of havoc and chaos in the home. But when it comes to
the public, and he's absolutely perfect. He's an absolute Angel. He is a great philanthropist. He gives out money to institutions he spends time with Allah He with the most pious clothing that you can find. But when it comes to inside the home, then either an abuser is abusing his family. And
the problem that we face as counselors is that
The wife will come to you, my husband is abusing me. Okay, let us call your husband and says No, they won't want to talk to anybody. They don't want to talk to any alum, they don't want to discuss anything, they don't want to go to anybody, they don't want to seek any help whatsoever. And ladies very often
have reached the point that they have saturated, or rather, they have exhausted all avenues that they may hate. That is contacting the hopeline careline helpline, whether it is contacting one of the other parties, whether it is contacting the allama, the local alum locally, they have exhausted all avenues in everything that they have. And they call in being absolutely helped us. What do we do in the situation, this man doesn't want to stop hurting us. And together with that, he doesn't want to seek any help whatsoever our marriage is not getting better situation is not getting any better in
tolerating this abuse every single day. One other for people like that. And if the lady's really being physically abused, then the next step is called through to the police department in a row and getting a restraining order or something like that against this man. Otherwise, do you would you like to see that your mate leaves the house instead of protecting yourself?
Well, I just want to show the SMS that came through which is a reminder to the listeners we are discussing with regards to abuse, the SMS line for the program 08236868, double six, that is 08236868, double six and the number to dial zero double 1854154811 SMS 13, how do you forgive an abuser?
Well, when the person asked the question that, my my
certain so in so he has been abused by her husband? And how do we solve the matter?
The answer that we would give is that, firstly, this man has to be separated from his wife. Right? If he abused his wife, then he has to be separated from her because if he is going to continue abusing her in that condition, or he's going to continue living with her, then you'll find all the more opportunity to abuse that wife. Number two, is that he needs to go for counseling. Now, how it works with psychologists and counselors, I don't know the exact magnetic Rarity, but he needs to go for counseling, the period that says a social worker will determine
and he needs to go for counseling, he needs to go for anger management classes. And we need to see that once he comes back, after he is gone for counseling appears after he has done that, those anger management classes for a minimum of a few months. Then once he comes back with his wife, he needs to we need to see that his house, how is his behavior? Has he been behaving himself as he abused has he lifted his hand again. And if there are no signs of that, then we can say okay, we have made your mouth. And now we take you on wholeheartedly. But if he has not, he's not willing to go for the anger management classes, not willing to go for counseling, you're not willing to improve himself or
get outside help to improve himself, then unfortunately, there is no possibility for us to forgive him, because he's not willing to help himself.
It's not another SMS with regards to the discussion, but of abuse is also the abuse of guessing with regards to emotional abuse. The sister say my daughter was three months old, my ex was choking me and she remember it till about one year. He used to hold my neck back and she used to become hysterical at the time. Yes, young children, even from the womb, even from within the mother's womb while the mother is pregnant, they can hear what is happening outside they can hear everything. And they can they can sense that distress in a mother, even young children because of that link, they still so close to their mothers that they can sense the distress in their mothers, and often what
distress they sense in their mothers that abuse swearing or raising of voices and things like that would lead to ailments in that child later on in their life. You know, once and there was a person who hit
excuse me with asthma, and they picked up and going back into this child history. They picked up that on one occasion this child was suddenly frightened very severely by somebody. And as a result the child developed as my death stage and throughout the life they have asthma
So they try to undo that. But
the stress the trauma, the pain, the suffering that the mother goes through, the child senses it, and it will lead to some ailments physical ailments, as well sometimes, or sometimes in a character sometimes in a way in the demeanor in later on in the life as well we have a caller on the line, oh, let's go to the lines of Santa Monica masala.
Just one thing I'd like to note is that, since like those husbands who are abusive or will deal with any type of physical or mentally abuse, they seem to forget that they have to answer to all law regarding their wives, number one. And number two is that once they start lifting the hand to their wives, when the angry
or jealous majority of the time, they will guarantee that they'll be lifting then the next time and then the next time. And, you know, we as a woman, we I mean we're not strong like men. So we obviously you can eat your husband back, but they do forget that they're going to have to answer to Allah. And the other thing is that like Malala said that the morning you hit him in the night you want to bet them even woman cause feelings and she's wondering that those men really care for me does even love me for him to actually lift his hand towards Me and to abuse me like that. Whether it is bye bye by telling her that you're useless you're nothing you just do that even us as women we
feel something and we feel pain and the children most of the lesson in the end up they don't know that the system was the thing that the Father is right in the end up calling the mother also less like that. Like Alana said that's another thing we don't want.
Okay, this is a cola for that assadi comm
slash 08236868 double six, the number to dazzle on a smartphone Five, four Hmm.
What are the question? Well, basically, she she just reconfirmed Elora just said what I spoke about earlier on that the children tend to get involved. And like women, of course, physically not being as strong as men. Then, of course, the lady cannot defend himself alone, I got one SMS here that's asking if the hubby slaps the wife, Muslim is the wife slipping back.
But it does happen. We are discussing the abuse to the wife. But you get situations where the wife physically abuses the husband. And it has been found there. Although although the reports in cases of that will be much less because husbands are much
supposed to be the stronger person in the home. And because they have been abused by the wife, they feel shy about it, they feel embarrassed about it. And so they won't report it. They won't ask for counseling or they won't bring it forth.
They could be maybe sometimes just as many cases of, of wives abusing the husband as well.
Another sort of abuse I see from one of the SMS is stating is like a left hand inspiring program that could specify on silent abuse with the husband provoke the situation. And he then sits back and watches his wife having what he calls overreaction as you sit silently and watch is very act to a point of overdosing because now you sit silently, and he watches with a silky grin on his face. And in this manner, he has been distant himself from his own kids and his grandchildren as well.
Basically, the sister saying that he hasn't basically brings up an issue. After he then sits back she is now calling silent abuse. He says back and now he allows his wife to go on complaining or or trying to sort the problem out but he just says backwater within grin on his face. And he then basically says now she's overreacting in this manner.
That is possibly one of the situations where
they exclusively exclusively takes place in one particular home.
Sometimes it's also very individual, how the person perceives it Also, sometimes maybe the husband does it out of chest is joking about it in the wife to set it in says that no, no, he she she takes it as abuse something very serious. Or sometimes what happens is typical example that you have the grandfather, mother, the mother of the child will say that don't keep the child chocolate history.
To make a noise, you won't sleep. And he's going to do this into that. And now the current policy is in the child crisis transcripts and references here, take a piece of chocolate in here with and then grandfather would sit back, he doesn't have to run behind the child dropping passes and was making the whole mess in the house. And the mother and the father have to drop behind and behind the child. So the mother and father don't look at their own parent their own father, and say that you are abusing us. By doing that. It's just
because of the suspect and just smiles and says that it's a funny situation. It's something nice that has happened, but they don't look at it as abuse, right? I suppose it's something very individual, to each person. And
basically, what we can advise is that no person should instigate harmful situations between people cause problems, you know, spread a rumor, or cause an argument between two people that is incorrect. And Islamic. Yes, really. Just take one or two fine. So just before we wrap up, one of the SMS stating
abuse. I just wanted to know what if you are verbally abused by your father and mother in law
and verbally abused by your father and mother in law? Then
you would need to discuss it with your husband. And you need to bring it up to him? And most often, the answer would be Batman. And I did discuss it with him. And he says that he is doing nothing about it is most often a question that will come up.
Sometimes, perhaps just make your point here. Don't say that. Don't go to your father, or your mother, uncle. People are always talking to me like this, and I don't like the way you talk to me. Just make it clear to them that when you say these things, it hurts me. When you say that, then it hurts me. So they know is either
one sometimes what happens is that the person who is abusing does not know, the nuts, you realize that these statements are hurtful. They don't realize that what I'm saying is actually harming or hurting, the next person is saying it, getting a funny reaction out of it. And so they would carry on saying it until somebody says to them, it's not yours, what you're seeing is hurtful and harmful and say, oh, okay, I never realized I didn't realize that it's hurting you, or you don't like it or you're not comfortable with it and stop doing it from today. So make it clear say that what you're saying or your statement is harmful, or it's hurting me. And I would appreciate it if you don't use
that or you don't use that sort of language, you don't talk to me in that way. And then it just makes it clear to the person it clarifies between the two of you, and you can go on your life without that abuse.
Early on, as I was saying about the silent abuse
thing that has been happening for the last 36 years. We were divorced once after about 33 and I trusted him again and we renewed Danica but all the same abusive acts still continue to happen.
what she perceives or what she feels is abusive that her husband is doing it listed down Put it in front of him discuss it with him and then he these are the things about you that I do not like and they may be things about the system as well that the husband does not like and come to some understanding that they will stay away from those things and begin to work on the marriage, building on the positives that they have and inshallah some solution would come up to them
to make it easy for inshallah, inshallah, we're gonna wrap up
there was a young girl who came to her mother just a few days after she got married and she's absolutely crying and devastated and said in some storm Ivan says Mother You know what? My husband has used horrible horrible words on me I can't describe how horrible those words are. And the mother asked the daughter What are those words? Why are you crying so much? I'm going to sort it out with him sought him out. How can you say those words to
his mother You can't imagine those words are so horrible for lettered words. Mother things even worse of the situation the daughter says mother used words like
views this young girl was experiencing sometimes we may get abused. We look at 70 which is normal.
Very nicely somebody put it
the other day the person has delusions.
Something's used very normal between two people to be normal conversation or normal way of dealing with the situation. But then we'll find somebody who is ultra sensitive. And they will take it as not this person is abusing me.
castle We apologize for the interrupt the web one minutes announcements in the delay in the erode your own to Allah subhanho wa Taala do we belong in onto him either. We'll find that about two minutes of marfo Mohammed s of Caronia known as Gumbo and father of him and Rashad Claudia and husband of Caesar from hymas food vegan. We're live from number 782 salty street activo in the Noni leaving the restaurant at about 2:30pm she never said I will be at 3pm proceeding to the rains would understand the needs of my home. Mohammed asop Korea known as Gumbo and father have met him and Rashad Korea and husband of Hacienda from for him as food wagon will lead from number seven eight to
sushi sweet extendable in Bologna and leaving the restaurant is about 2:30pm Shan as a Santa will be a CPM proceeding to the race with Stan May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant each and every one of us and all the money forgiveness in general. I mean, once you decide to raise last thrice, for the ISA in so up of one sentence in order for me
the speaking bear to me the speaking bit about me in extra effects is absolutely normal conversation a normal statement. So don't be ultra sensitive as well.
To be moderate.
In a situation where you believe that there is abuse, seek counseling, seek
some sort of solution out of that and try and read yourself of the abuse that you are a victim of and yourself also do not abuse others you will find your life to be much more prosperous, happy, progressive and successful inshallah inshallah Melissa Kula for the wonderful program Shakira Madonna time to live
I said I'm on a chrome wash metal my he wore barricades.