Parental Leadership Styles – Which Approach Works Best for Your Child

Edris Khamissa


Channel: Edris Khamissa

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The host of a webinar discusses the importance of researching oneself, parenting, leadership styles, and leadership in various fields. They emphasize the need for parents to be aware of negative conversations and find their own values. The webinar also touches on the impact of blind obedience and parents' "imitation" that parents show to children. The speakers emphasize the importance of finding a personal development test for children with mental health or behavioral issues, researching and understanding oneself, and actively engaging in parenting and sharing fears and emotions with children.

AI Generated Transcript ©

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This is our fifth webinar Al Hamdulillah fifth one in the series and some of them began, which if you think about it was only last week and these have been back to back and they have been fantastic. I think those of you who've been joining us every week, mashallah I've really enjoyed it anyway, as a host I've been learning and growing, listening and participating in hosting some wonderful, wonderful guests and inshallah today's guests mashallah needs no introduction that will come on to me very, very shortly. Let me just go through some of the formalities, especially as some of you in fact, majority of you for this webinar, or I believe, for the first time joining in so we have lots

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of newcomers, mashallah, who are registering for this series. So let me just go through some of the formalities in sha Allah.

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There's a disclaimer for the views of our external speaker. It's solely theirs, and they do not represent the views of construction. So Sadrists behave, please don't get me. I try. I try. Not deploy you know that. Absolutely. So I'll handle I'm your host. My name is Wallace, I had an organization called LM two Mo, many of you will know this. And for those of you who are tuning in, for the first time, we are bringing this series the role of parents and educators in the to nurture world changes in the changing world. For the first time, this Ramadan Al Hamdulillah, and we're doing that in partnership with an organization called Islamic Relief about El Tramel. If you've not

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heard about him to Amazon, those of you don't know what Elam term actually means. It means knowledge to action. It's an Arabic transliteration in English. So knowledge to action, we specialize in character development and life skills education, particularly for disadvantaged communities. In the UK, and also globally, there's our contact details, you can view our products on our store, some downloadable, free download was on there, there's also resources which you can purchase, which help the charity, yes, we are an educational charity, keep forgetting to mention that all the time.

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You can go onto our website, but also check out our handles on social media for the work that we do, and the impact that we're trying to create in the few current and future generations. Okay, for those of you who might have missed very quickly, those of you might have missed the fourth webinar, which was just on Sunday was a fantastic webinar is a very, very good webinar, mashallah, for those of you joined, I'm sure you will agree. That was on personality types and love languages as part of emotional intelligence module in this series. So we have seven webinars. This is the fifth one, the fourth one. So every webinar follows on from the previous one. And as you can see, it was a very

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good conversation that we had with our guests, marine Javid, who's a parenting coach. And these are the basically the sort of overview of what kind of things we covered around emotional intelligence, which are really important, I guess, the main one for us, I mean, they're all important, but the main one was about number five emotional intelligence is critical for healthy marriage, effective parenting and teaching. So in other words, knowledge of yourself and knowledge of others, in the situations is very, very important. We also looked at the prophets, Allah Sullivan's remarkable qualities as a leader. And this webinar number five, today's webinar links very well to that webinar

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on Sunday, and follows on very nicely in terms of emotion, you know, I guess, emotion intelligence, part two, or even

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leadership. So as I mentioned, there are seven parts to this webinar series. And they're all based on the research that we have been conducting in the UK with 1000 teenagers, and 1000 parents, pre Ramadan. So in the last six months, we've been doing this research in focus groups, surveys, meeting young people, meeting parents and educated soon, and sort of understanding the underlying issues, what's going on in their world and in their life. And these seven modules were the key burning issues that were coming out of that survey, and we thought it'd be good to do a series on this. So moving forwards. Today's webinar is actually the one that you can see there we are on the last one

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number four, and today's is number five leadership styles of parenting parental leadership styles, which approach works best for your child should be an interesting conversation. And just before I introduce my

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honorable guests, I just want to go through the format. It's an interactive conversation, the slides are there for a guide who may or may not use them. So inshallah we're gonna break this up into four parts. We've got conscious parenting, and then we have so what does research tell us about conscious parenting? What do we do we really need the science, we look at parenting, parenting leadership styles in terms of what are the four types the research has given us over the over the years? What are the pros and cons of each approach? We will inshallah go into the juicy part of this webinar, which is the actual part three of the row

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juicy. But number three is, is where we will actually look at the scenarios and the different types. For example, I've got five scenarios, we could have lots more, but five types of scenarios, what kind of leadership style that we learn part two would be applicable there. And again, this is an opinion of threes, our guest speaker who's very experienced in this area, you may have other experiences, let's have a conversation in part three, about the different types of leadership styles that can be applicable in different scenarios, and of course, to different types of children. And then part four, I think it's really important we have a self self awareness about our own

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background, upbringing, circumstances, our parental styles, our views, and some really good tools now that are really available, you know, available online, very, very easy for you to work out your parental style, Mashallah. And without further ado, you know, the ground rules of hamdullah we've been doing this for five, five weeks now five, sorry, five webinars in Sharla. If you've got a comment, please put it in chat. And if you have a question, please put it in q&a. Okay, Ms. Baby. Okay, that's brilliant. Can we have the recording of the previous ones? Yes, we are working on so this question is going to be coming up again and again and again. And it's a great question. We are

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recording the entire series to create a library for you to inshallah

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enjoy, you know, be that

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as parents or as educators inshallah Allah so I'm just going to introduce my guests now. Slowly, people started once again. How are you?

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Walaikum Salam wa rahmatullah wa barakato. I'm so excited. It's always good to interact with you, your institution, and the great work that you're doing, and are they looking forward

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to this webinar. And my earnest prayer and hope is this, that we go back reflecting on who we are, and effecting the change because it becomes futile, that you say why that matters not only has

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to be late, yet you go home and you do not confront your true self. So my prayer is that your home become the sanctuary, a place of happiness, not a site of contestation struggle that your kids love you You love them. And indeed you leave a legacy brilliant very nicely that's an absolute beautiful kickoff and the nice thing you play golf any chances that I used to the only thing I got right was my practice string you know.

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So started the beat for for those who do not know started Reese, mashallah, he has been instrumental in my personal life. He has been instrumental in the life of many leaders across the world. I think he's traveled to what 50 countries where he's done his work all over the world. We're very, very fortunate to have decided to be with join us handler in a topic that I know he's very, very passionate about, and also very well positioned to commentate on. So sorry, this is the background for those of you tuning in the screen on tuning in for the first time it's on the screen. Marshall is internationally renowned consultant in Education, Human Development. He's been in education, a

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long time, and he's I think it'd be I think he left a long time ago as well, because he was pursuing his passion for human development outside of schools. And I shall I mean, he doesn't need an introduction and you can search him and he's involved with a lots of different organizations across the world handled love but he was one of the founding members of the association of Muslim schools in South Africa, which is the umbrella body for the schools there is also an advisory member of IBOR

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why he's here today is because he is a parenting expert in marriage and counselor Mashallah. Ever since I met him, mashallah, I've started to understand the marriage dilemmas a lot better manage them a lot better, but for us, for us at Elm, two Amel, he amongst very few people was there at the right beginning for us, and was the right you know, when you need when you have a crazy radical idea about what you how you want to change the world. 98 99% of the world will think you're a crackpot, there'll be one or 2% of the people gifted people who will actually do not see you as a crackpot. They'll see you as a genius will open the doors to you. They'll embrace you. They'll blow hope into

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your ideas when actually you've had doubts. You started Reese mashallah is one of those blessitt few people that I tend to very early in the project of Tamil. And I'm greatly as we all are indebted to you, sir.

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Okay, so moving on.

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Hamdulillah we are going to go into let's kick off straightaway. So let's get into it because we are under 15 minutes into the webinar. We have just over an hour now to really nail this as much as possible, and give a good ear sort of a conversation, interactive conversation with our guests.

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participants inshallah I want to start on part one. Firstly, before we race into the styles by the work of Dr. Diana Bauman. baumrind. So conscious parenting. What does the research? Well, firstly, what is conscious parenting? What does the research tell us? That we know? And I guess the ultimate question is, do we really need the science?

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Yes, you know, I think it's very important that we do as much research because pedagogy

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is a lifelong thing. And those that were those that seek help those who look back at the stomach legacy, those that read innovatively become far more effective parents than those who do not. And nothing is more beautiful than to live in a home, where you're happy around you, your children will love you, who agree with you or disagree with you. But throughout that experience, there is a lot of respect. Now, the thing we're conscious parenting is anything. When you conscious about everything about life, for example, you become acutely aware about your environment, you become acutely aware about the environment at home. And so what you do essentially, is that you become aware of each

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child and you realize that each child is different. And I need to adopt a particular way with each child because I always say that you will need to treat children with equity, not to the quality that sets because the needs are different. So in other words, you treat them as individuals, you look at that, you show them. Empathy, your consciousness is it's not about the base, everything on your expectations of the children is rather your own expectation as parents, you know, they say it's very easy to be a mum and dad. But it is not so easy to be a mother and a father, the mother and father part requires nurturing, it requires demonstration of affection, it requires that you really be the

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moral example for your children. And the same token, what you really do is you are able to manage the expectations. In other words, it is not, you know, you don't come there and it's not mechanical engagement. It's about being conscious is being aware. Most importantly the word I need to use that you must be present, emotionally, physically present. So children themselves know they are around people who love them. They are not people who shall be around people who can

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beautifully put nicely put Mashallah. So that's fantastic. Sorry to start once you were talking that was just in the chat. Some people saying that the sound audio could be crackling a little bit for some people for others are saying it's absolutely fine. So I'm not sure what's happening, your end. But without digressing too much. Let's keep going. Inshallah, please, folks, if you if the sound is difficult, just try your best to listen. I mean, I could just make out what you were saying. Alhamdulillah. But there was a little bit crackle equity and some cactus. Okay.

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Right. Okay. So we have questions coming in from the audience in pre advance of the sorry, pre event.

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In advance of the event, we have questions coming from parents, if anybody would like to ask questions, and I really encourage you to have this opportunity, seize it and ask the questions that you want to try to keep them concise and relevant to the slides. If you could, please and short. One question that we had is parenting something that we can be naturally, in fact, I'm gonna throw for questions, your waves that

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in this particular part, is parenting something we can be naturally good at? And if others want to ask questions during this, and rather than you want to raise your hand and you want to have the mic, just let us know, raise your hand and we'll get you in at the earliest opportunity. So this is is parenting, something that we can naturally good at? Or is this something that we need to freestyle? I mean, one of the one of the questions I often get told about is that regarding the research is our our grandparents said they never sat in these webinars, and they never really, you know, participated in any formal training or any anything of that kind. So there wasn't any of that. You

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know, I'm having a problem with my unfortunately. There we go. So our parents and grandparents didn't have any of this training or awareness of the research that we are talking about or we withdraw

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England. So and they did absolutely fine, right? There is our priorities superbly fine. And then, you know, we turned out fine as a second generation and third generation seems to be okay. So why do we actually need to know anything about conscious parenting and what you've been talking about there? Why do we need to be aware of those things? It is so critical. The world has changed, we are living in a different world at one time. Parents themselves are often the primary influences of the hearts and minds of children. Yet, you know, part of psychologists are concerned the first five years itself is very, very critical in terms of shaping attitudes and values of children. But

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today's children are living in a different world. They say it takes a whole village to bring up a child, there was a time when you showed a respect your uncle, he was like your conscious grandfather, the shopkeeper, the teacher, all of them were people of authority, and you made sure you never thumb your nose to them, you show them respect, and they could just dies every minute. But we're living at a time in a nuclear family, where we will parents themselves, husband and wife are not in sync in terms of how to bring up the child. So that is also problematic. Now with social media and everything else that goes through they do find that we are living in a different world. So

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therefore, today's parents have to be far more vigilant. They need to be far more active. For example, I came across this one saying as it were, when we shake the hour made a presentation. It came across in a newspaper. They say if you miss a beat Mr. old generation, suddenly you find many parents are saying oh my gosh, my son was so obedient subsectors. And suddenly he's become so defined. So therefore, today, in terms of the different isms that kids are exposed to, you require active involvement as parents the world has changed is a different world altogether.

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So there's a question here from human shake. I think it's probably good to take this question. Maybe here at this stage, if you don't mind. Why do children rebel against parents and how to deal with them? It's a very general question. There could be many reasons. But in your experience, what do you think are the top reasons for why children rebel against parents? And how do you deal with it? Yeah, now children rebelled against parents for a number of reasons. They rebelled against his because many of them you will find, have a sense of insecurity. Number one, they rebelled against parents, because they have low self esteem. They rebelled against parents, because many of them might have

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friends who themselves have a particular relationship with their own father. They rebelled against parents because they are not satisfied, they're unhappy at all. So it's very, very important for us to identify that sometimes kids are going through a particular phase. So it's important, you know, psychologists say that kids be built for six reasons right now just yet. Number one is, they feel a sense of insecurity. They got low self esteem, they have a sense of inadequacy. They tweet sometimes art of vengeance. Sometimes they tweet because of negative peer pressure. Sometimes they do it just for the sake of excitement. So you got to look at the antecedent. You got to understand the

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underlying reasons. Sometimes as parents, we suppress the symptom without understanding what are the underlying reasons. Sometimes the child will be crying out for help. And it's very, very important for us to understand that.

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Absolutely. So we had this fantastic six reasons I said, You gave someone's raise their hand. SP would you like I think SPS was hand.

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Zachary, let us be in place.

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We have somebody who's raised a hand.

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Okay. Just whilst somebody has raised their hand, we'll see. There's another question. You said, you mentioned six reasons there.

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Should everyone become a parent, or there's some people who don't have the temperament to be a parent? I'll take this question. And then we move on to the presentation and take the other ones in the rest of the presentation here. You know what I think parenting is a natural outcome of marriage. Outcome of marriage. And it's important, because the critical aspect is this, that in any given scenario, that AB if you have three children, three children may adopt three different parenting styles. I'm one eight, a child might say, You know what? I never want to be like my father. He was too harsh. He might become completely indulgent, and other parents another champion.

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To be like my father, he had us under control now to be harsh. And the third person might say, You know what, I'm gonna choose my own particular methodology. I've learned many, many lessons from it. So I think it's important to understand that we are products of our environment. Our parents have shaped us into a doctor by attitude and our values. Okay, fantastic. Good points. So mashallah, lots of other questions are coming through. And I want to make sure that, you know, I don't want your questions to be lost as a result of the conversation or the presentation. So Sidra, I'll take a couple of questions now. Sidra Rashid, how can we become more conscious parents? I think you losing

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on that shake? And there's another one, which says, How do we build that relationship where the children can turn to us, as a parent, as a teacher, especially for teenagers? Now, we all accept that that's a difficult stage of parenting is where it gets to teenagers. So the question there is, how do we build that relationship where children contemptuous, and as a parent and teacher, especially for teenagers? How can they turn to us? How do we become more conscious in our parent, how to become more conscious parents,

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they apply things I would suggest, number one, you got to ensure that the environment at home is a place of love, where children experience your love, may you are able to demonstrate it often your father and mother will say you know what, I love my kids. But if the children do not experience that love, that means you do not love them. That's important. Secondly, it's also very, very important to nurture the self esteem, to enhance the self esteem. And how you do that by doing the six A's. To accept them,

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to affirm them,

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to give them attention,

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to acknowledge them, to give them positive attributes, right, and also the One A Estacio, but I'll be back with a bit.

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So it's very important that they feel loved at home, right. And it's important that you begin to author conversations with them. And when you have conversations, it must be authentic, you must be genuine, you must not be distracted, you must be present. The other thing that you need to do, you need to be an inspiration for your children, you need to be a widely read person, a person that is so important in the community, you cannot, for example, have high expectations of your children, with you yourself, for example, just, you know, flourish in mediocrity, that the poor, that they are the critical aspect. And I'm gonna say this, and I want everyone to listen to this. And please, I

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love you all, when I speak to you with passion.

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I just love you all.

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And remember this shape, because I've mentioned this many times, and I like it.

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Parenting, parenting is not so much your relationship with your child, but your relationship with your spouse. That is important. When couples show love and respect to each other. When they disagree agreeably. When you wait, you regulate your wife acknowledged, are you promoting the institution of marriage? When couples do that suddenly, it be your fight themselves respond accordingly, when you do not show up, you're polite and simple kids who also grew up in that particular environment, right. So I think the important aspect, the bottom line is this year that you need to create a culture and the other things that we can speak about if you have the time, right the three things I

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like to speak about developer time, having a family routine, happy family values, and happy family goals. And if you do that, it will be great

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martial arts so much you have shared with us in that short time. We have questions that from the audience just before I get into that, if you can't see my screen just give me a shout please because I'm getting some comments saying that you can't see my screen is dark for some reason. So I've turned my video on and off. And I'm not sure what's happening. Okay, just bear with me, but you can hear me right you guys can hear me you can see me now. Okay, was that some people asking about the six A's that you've just mentioned? There were five that we got I think the sixth one most people don't show up that the distributor six A's and I'll tell you what to say. All right. I'm just trying

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to see if you're paying attention Yeah, he's going to he's gonna go into his teacher mode now.

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So I do I have affection there. I mean, you mean who's mashallah, fantastic teacher. Muhammad. You mean from Birmingham? He's got it. Thank you. Thanks to me for being in the in the audience. He's got down except. So there's the need to be accepted. Affirm.

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Attention acknowledge attribute. Is that right? Have you loved the next week? Have you loved the sixth one? The sixth one was a crack a joke. I could crack it for you, but I thought it was best for you say

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what's number six? Is that number six? Try again. Right. Right. Is acceptance. Appreciation. You want appreciation? We got a firm. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. We got appreciation.

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Formation, acknowledgement, affirmation, acknowledgement, yeah. attributes. Attributes. Attention. Attention, right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So his joke was, if you've been paying attention to the last

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number six is attention. All right. So we've got to that hope the hope that was clear, guys, these six,

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come to the one, especially on attributes, positive attributes, you got to understand that psychologists have said that 85% of what they hear from the parents is negative, that you use this, and you know, why you were born, and so on and so forth. But if you keep them positive attributes, for example, you say,

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to workers, your workers, you say to your son or daughter,

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someday, you're going to be a leader, that talk would lead to a child self talk. That is those talks that give them self belief. It is very important. Very, very critical. So it's 85%. Yes. What parents say to kids is often negative, like, No, you cannot do it, don't do this. And therefore, a critical thing is to change your command from negative to positive. Instead of saying Don't shout, say speak softly, say don't run, walk, please, is a difference. Next is important. The language you use. Yes, absolutely. Folks, you heard that 85. According to research, this sad is citing 85% Research has shown that 85% of what children hear between the mother and the father is negative.

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Just imagine the impact that has on their innocence and their mind on their self esteem as both sides was talking about their how to nurture self esteem. Right? And just imagine the impact that has it's like watering a plant with toxic liquid or toxic water. That's what it's doing to a plant. Just imagine what it's doing to our children's brains. So and that's, that's fascinating, I guess. Okay, so there's lots of other questions coming through. Inshallah, please, can I just remind the audience to put the questions in the q&a Bank, and the comments in the chat, please, if you don't mind, because I'm having to go back and forth. And I will lose the questions that have been put into

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the q&a. There's one more thing that will take that very quickly, can you still be a good parent to over 20? years? Kids? So in other words, children who are over 20, can you still be a good parent to them? How can they return?

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How can they return? I'm sorry, I can't answer that question. But can you I think what the question says, I have an idea. Can you show me 20 rules? Yeah. You know what? Firstly, many parents, you know, have lots of regrets about the tactics differently. Sometimes the kids have gotten married. And kids have particular attitude. Sometimes it is one of negativity.

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But I really believe in the power of forgiveness. I think it's so important to call the family together. And say to them, You know what, I did whatever I could, and I know I made many mistakes. I want to find it in your heart for the month of Ramadan, find it in your heart, to forgive me to forgive me, and I want to become a better father to you. And I'll be a father to you until I die. So I want to be a better father. And you know what, I don't want to make the mistakes that I've made. Because I want you to be a better father than I did. This kind of emotional connection is so so important. I deal with situations it would be such a hiatus between the father and the son or

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whatever. And to bring them back together is such a beautiful, emotional thing. So we must ever ever give up. And you can always make twice a Yalda you can look back at what I did. You can turn around my negativity to positivity to our parents, I accept it. So you can be and remember as they grow older, it is important that you play a supportive role. You mustn't be overzealous appearing to interfere in their life view. Absolutely. Very nice. Suppose that mashallah the anonymous attendee who's just message

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To under Quick q&a saying I agree with the 60s and I'm going to try my very, very best Inshallah, if you if I could take a question towards the end, I think that to rush that would be an injustice. Thank you very much for your honesty. I think we all I feel in the same shoes as you I find incredibly hard sometimes to resolve the, you know, the negative talk that can come out and we're all human, it happens. But I guess one thing I would say, and this is the essence of these webinars, and it's the ethos, the philosophy of knowledge direction, or Elon camel, is that we don't just learn for the sake of it's not edutainment, we're not here just for entertaining ourselves through

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facts and information. We learn to practice and we learn. And the best way to learn to practice is learning through practice. That's the philosophy that we have built this organization. And that's where we think knowledge or learning is most impactful when it's experiential, when you learn to practice. So one thing I will say to our folks here, to all our listeners, is, let's take a stock of our life over the next 24 hours, you can do it for the last 24 hours if you want. But let's take a stock so we consciously parenting over the next 24 hours. And let's just look at the amount of anything that constitutes negative talk in and around our children start with you and your wife, or

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your spouse or your husband. Just look consciously over the next 24 hours of how much negative talk there is, it's a bit of a biased exercise because you're going unconsciously now you're gonna be God's gonna be up, we're also in the month of Ramadan, which means we don't have diverse views of the data and so, but it's something to be conscious of, I think you will know, of all the days that you live throughout the seasons, whether you are in that 85% or whether you are amongst the blessed 15% who don't, you know,

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positive talk, I guess, but I'm sure we have a little bit of both. So please do be conscious and just assess yourself if that is you. So we'll have a look at that inshallah moving on

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and we will take the questions inshallah. Throughout the whole, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop the share because people are complaining that they can't see my screen. Is that still the case? Admin? Can you still is it still dark?

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Missus the man is still dark on your side for me. I'm not sure what's happened here.

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It came back, I can still see brilliant, okay, so I'm not going to touch anything. And the screen share is back on again. Right? This brings us nicely on to

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something that I guess we all can have a say on.

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earlier asked about the parental leadership styles of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam in his life we know from the Sierra, the way he was with his beautiful children. You know, there's lots of

00:32:44--> 00:32:44

sort of

00:32:45--> 00:33:17

history in the way we know the way Prophet Solomon was both as a parent and also as a leader of the Sahaba domain. So which parenting leadership leadership styles folks, do you think and I'm just gonna throw this out to start to give us a break, to let the audience in which parental leadership styles do you think the province has adopted with either his children, his family members or his, the Sabbath that he was his companions? Which ones can you share with us any ones that come to mind any anything you can think of? So he was very kind, kindness was his approach.

00:33:19--> 00:33:54

Any other want to say he was very gentle, right? So riff is live Allah Subhan. Allah loves riff is very gentle with his approach. Patients merciful so people are citing his character virtues, I guess was that in terms of loving his kindness, his warmth? He very emotionally intelligent. We know from satan and we know from Anasazi, London where he said he would not reprimand us, you know, in a way he wouldn't tell us off admonishes in a sweat especially in public, he would overlook mistakes, he would stick to his word, he was forgiving. These are fantastic things are coming from mashallah, as

00:33:55--> 00:34:01

Yasser Omer such Sajid, but as I just said, I'd like it to start.

00:34:04--> 00:34:50

Like a caring, compassionate, considerate, he's very much values based. Thank you. Mallanna Minaj That was fantastic. And he was very encouraging. So without anything you want to say on the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, that our audience mashallah has also reflected, I think, all what he said is true. But the important thing is that he never chided or scold the children as it were, in our beat any child, he is empathy was incredible. He understood children. In fact, when he saw children, he was on his foes. He had eye contact with them. And what was he saying you are important, but the one thing that is missing especially today, is the fact that our pistol that he was selling was very

00:34:50--> 00:34:59

defensive about his feelings. He was very, very expressive about his feeling. It's important that what if, if one thing we can learn

00:35:00--> 00:35:41

From here is that when couples when they meet each other husband and wife, the first thing husband comes home, when you say Assalamualaikum, my Shoosh properly, we are you, my daddy, and you guys do in front of the kids do in front of the children, right? And you also need to do it with your children. Because children must grow up in a home with these love, no matter what languages of love you're talking about. But the physical, tactile touch is so important. Because when kids grew up in that they are able to express their feelings, they are able to demonstrate that now. And they are able to be great spouses in a marriage.

00:35:42--> 00:36:16

Absolutely, absolutely. Empathy was a good one, I think many Salma Rama actually put mindful, which is very similar to empathy. We talked about emotional intelligence, that length and the last one so Hamdulillah, we can see lots of things I think, I think somebody said today, I think it was used that I mentioned it, when he was a grandfather, sallallahu alayhi salam, and he would play with Hassan and saying he would be the host. And you know, there would be a faction that he would show with children was truly amazing. The way he would acknowledge his daughter when she would walk through the door. Yeah, unbelievable. unbeli the so many examples that we can actually. Example, you

00:36:16--> 00:37:01

saw the one example I launched the ability. The one example, once was talking to a group of Sahaba, right. And the one Father once had his son on one lap. And then when his daughter came to meet the daughter said, Sit on the site to NIMBYs remind me don't you have the upper left? Just how beautiful is that? Look at how beautiful how beautiful you get so emotional, that are gonna be super super, super aware. So conscious, so aware, he understood, surely understood their feelings. And that's really important. Thank you so much. It's a beautiful example of stuff. I mean, considering that in my survey, lots of girls young girls have been citing gender inequality as a root cause of their

00:37:03--> 00:37:08

crisis. You know, I think that's a perfect example that that's something that's new. That's something that's been going

00:37:09--> 00:37:19

for some time situation leadership or cosplay, what do you bring to every scenario to the maximum Claire and Bella cut from it? Mashallah, that sounds like someone from Southampton. I know. Is that

00:37:21--> 00:37:50

right? Okay, moving on. Now, is it possible to adopt more than one parenting approach? Or do we just stick with one? Right? And I think few of us I think we all know the answer to that a few of us would like to stick with one and a few is probably do stick with one, I think we find that we're going to move towards different approaches. I saw this blurb and I thought I'll put it here because it's quite pertinent and relevant to this example. But your thoughts is that in terms of adopting more than one, the point that Sajid recited,

00:37:52--> 00:38:38

every situation is different, you have a consistent style, it's important, otherwise, you're inconsistent, you know, you really sport the children, they have no idea in terms of your expectations of them. Number one. So I think you need to adopt a particular approach to a particular situation, right? Sometimes, for example, of course, you're the merciful caring person, sometimes, you know, when your turn to some kind of mischief, right? You cannot ignore it at the same time. You cannot adopt a draconian punitive laws at home. Right. But how do you do that? But the very important thing that I want to speak about is the fact that one of the four reasons cited for

00:38:38--> 00:39:18

divorces, many believe this is when the mother and father have a completely divergent parenting style. Now, I think that when I first came across it, I said, Wow, when I began to reflect on it, I said, you Wow, yes, it is true. For example, let us say, the mother tells the son, you know, you're done the song in there, and I'm a, I'm unhappy about it. I'm surprised that you are allowed to speak to it. When Daddy comes, he says, Lee man is a growing child. And you keep on doing that. So she realizes I'm getting no joy, my partner, and this creates a lot of frustration.

00:39:20--> 00:39:21

Absolutely. Okay.

00:39:22--> 00:39:59

Kim Malone, I put a question. Sorry, Kim, for the delay. The five things to build a relationship with your kids. What you cited earlier is that you said five things to really build a relationship with the kids one was ensure love, a place of love in the environment, nurture self esteem be present. Those three I got there was two missing what were the other two? The other is a mess. Give me a few. Yeah. The one is I said that the parents must be the role models. Right. Right. Right. And the other important thing is this that you must encourage in your home, encouraging your home, a place

00:40:00--> 00:40:01

excellence, right?

00:40:03--> 00:40:31

Which not afraid to make mistakes, it must have been walking on eggshells. So nurturing a growth mindset is what is so natural growth mindset where we learn, it's okay to make mistakes, as you know, and uphold excellence, I guess there's two or three, there was plenty more than five that we can get there. Inshallah, I'm going to move on and and come back to some of the questions. So don't worry, I will come back to the questions in the q&a Bank. So that we have

00:40:33--> 00:41:14

I think it's good to move into the fall, we could talk a lot about the dilemmas in in parenting and I think we've that was good sort of introduction or unpacking some of the dilemmas that I'd like to move into the second part if it's okay with our participants Inshallah, because the second and the third part is where I want to deliver the essence of this webinar, inshallah. So if it's okay for us all to move on, start in terms of our parenting leadership styles, and going back to the sciences, what are there and the pros and cons. So I guess, if I could just give you a preamble to this, folks. This is the work of Dr. Diana baumrind. In the 1960s. She was a psychologist who did some

00:41:14--> 00:41:43

extensive research in, you know, looking at parenting experiences. And she came up initially with three styles, which we'll go into now. So she came up with three styles styles, we'll open them up shortly. And then 30 years later, in the 90s. There was allanon maccoby. And I think it was John Martin, they then came up with a fourth one. So start over to you in terms of parental leadership styles, the four main ones that we know, so there are many, but the four main ones that we know.

00:41:45--> 00:42:33

Yes, yeah. If you look at the parenting styles, right? If you look at the first one purpose, now purpose of the image, you could make these kiosks at home, they can you not make it up, there is chaos. And you find that where the parents allow editing, editing is fine, right? There is the value system and what not, you know, and this particular parent believes I'm doing it out of love. Often what happens, you could understand the psychology of that particular parent, she, if she's a female, right, she might have grown up in a home where the parents might have been no authoritarian. Right? So she's gone to that extreme, right? Because if there is a say that in giving our children what we

00:42:34--> 00:43:05

did not have before to give them what we had, right? So in this situation, anything goes, there are no boundaries there. There are no rules as it were. So for example, is right as one per se you already incubating a monster you're already doing. So in other words, they don't know what is right and what is wrong. Because whether they do right or wrong, there's a similar kind of response from you or no response. So that's the purpose of parent, the uninvolved parent, as it says, like

00:43:06--> 00:43:54

the father or mother or whatever, watching the television, completely oblivious of the child that needs the nurture and support completely uninvolved, nothing matters, that, in fact, this is a parent to get a shock of the life much later, when suddenly their child has become a deviant, before it becomes a criminal or whatever it is. Suddenly he says, I wonder what happened right? So that's the uninvolved the authoritative parents see, there is a kind of born, be a parent asserts himself without being aggressive way he is like a teacher is a nurturer, a carer brings up to the side, right. And notice, I think it's only the child by the hand also had to show them the way in other

00:43:54--> 00:44:08

words, they are values at all they are things that are acceptable, but there is a born a relationship there right? The authoritative parent is a parent, that is a person that Marsha you know, like,

00:44:10--> 00:44:10


00:44:11--> 00:44:11

To my,

00:44:13--> 00:44:44

to my command, you, you got no chance you as a child you walking on eggshells here, right? And you find, you know that the child in the whole atmosphere is one of fear. One of fear with the personality is right, the growth is painful. And you find that this parent of yours shows no compassion, no empathy does not show any kind of love. He just shows that he wants to be in control. Right. Brilliant, nicely posted. I think that's

00:44:46--> 00:44:59

very well summarized the four main learning style so permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian were the three styles that Dr. baumrind came out with in the 60s and then the uninvolved one, which is one

00:45:00--> 00:45:41

emerged later as more research was done with families. And this is a good way of summarizing, I guess some of the things that was that Michelle has covered quite eloquently and concisely in a short few minutes. If you look at this diagram here, folks, and by all means, if you want two slides will be available and you know, the recordings will be available if you wanted to take a screenshot of that, what you have on this paradigm here is responsiveness is the warmth that parents shows to the children and what this word demandingness American word, right this is like the level of control, but the parent either has high or a low level of control, you know, with the child, so you

00:45:41--> 00:45:45

got the warmth, and the relationship which is the responsiveness is or the warmth or is low,

00:45:47--> 00:46:09

or very low, very cold, or very lack of control, a lot of control. And you can see the four styles here permissive, authoritarian, authoritative, uninvolved and authoritarian. Okay, now we'll start summarize. And there you can see some a breakdown of the four styles and there's lots of work that's actually available, you can easily find this stuff on Instagram, you can find it on Pinterest on

00:46:10--> 00:46:47

lots of scholarly articles have been written on a video that we made on this stuff is quite easy for you to find out, don't worry, we're going to find you should be able to assess yourself as well. If you have an honest evaluation towards the end of this webinar, we've got some recommendations where you can take tests to self evaluate your style and you know, have a mirror to yourself in terms of where you think you what approach you think you're adopting based on a set of questions, inshallah. So I guess the biggest one is that you were touching upon there, and some questions that actually came in prior to this in advance of this webinar were, well, how will my parenting style impact my

00:46:47--> 00:47:04

child? So for example, if I'm, if I'm authoritative, what are the benefits, and if you see on here, what I've done here is I've made it easy, I've pulled off some research that was done on the four styles in terms of the impact that they've done, you can see again, from the screen, on the right column.

00:47:05--> 00:47:46

Sorry, on the left column of the each box, you can see what the style is, which is what Cerise has already explained just now. And on the right side of the box. In other words, over here, for example, indulgent, you can see impulsive behavior, egocentric, poor social skills, problematic relationships, these are the impacts or the knock on effects of your parental style on a child and again, the research back that back to my evidence and research that's been done in children, anything you want to elaborate to start on, you know, on the impact our parenting style has on our children, your parenting styles have a profound, profound impact, profound impact, I want to just

00:47:46--> 00:48:37

share, see, the critical thing is this. We are not saying that as parents must be overly indulgent, that the youth will not have disciplinary measures at home will not take all of those things, right. But what is important, what is critical, is you got to be actively engaged in them, get to know them. And now, if your turn can share the fears with you, if they can, or you know, for example, I think it was set was to this effect is for the first seven years, the type of bonding is the time in which parents themselves are like the role model, right, from seven to 14, in the type of instruction, this learning effect become a child's confidence. But I'll just share one incident, if

00:48:37--> 00:49:20

I will. Now, part of that loving and bonding is so important. I mean, when I conduct workshops in many parts of the world, many people because of culture, they say You mean to say that I should have my wife or my children? What are you saying? You know, what are you saying, you know, whoa, Where is the evidence that I need to do that? And so I'll give you one example that I will summarizes, but I think it's very, very instructive. One day, someone phoned me up and he said to me, you know, brother increase, my wife and I have an issue, I asked him, What is the issue? He said, Well, my wife has never ever, in my 12 years of marriage, demonstrated or expressed a love for me. He said to

00:49:20--> 00:49:35

people that they ask you what you do, we say, stay the marriage. We second deal with that, except I'm worried because we have a child and the child is not experiencing the mother's love. So ask him what you said

00:49:36--> 00:49:59

about your wife, sir, speak to her. So I spoke to her over the phone. She says I want to stay except my father said to me that if I do not come back home today I must come back to is quite clear. That you know, there was this one way issues so don't worry, I'll come they don't go to your father. And then you know Allah

00:50:00--> 00:50:51

access to space. So when he he, he told me something in the penny drop. He said to me, when my wife was one year old, her mother left the past. Okay, fine. So anyway, I met a couple, I advise them. Then I asked her to hold her husband's head and to address the husband as if he is a mother. What are those emotions she's experiencing? And Allah's blessing. It was so cathartic. And Michelle, you she said to the mother, now who is the husband said the persona of the mother says mommy, mommy, mommy, when I was a child who never hurt me. In fact, you left me. Allah gave me such a beautiful child, loving by not all that love. Why you will never hug me and she was crying, and he was crying.

00:50:51--> 00:50:52

Then she says your

00:50:54--> 00:51:40

mommy and daddy be such a wonderful husband. superfresh such a beautiful human being. But I never saw you and daddy helping each other. Why mom, they both got up you have asked her how you feel. Now, I understand my life I foreclosure. And he says now I understand my wife. And that was a tipping point. So those styles and everything else has a profound indelible impact. And you'll see children when they're older. Look back at your style would be gratitude. Be gratitude for things that were common sensical. You didn't have to do research to show love. I mean, do you have to do research? Do you have to legislate loving a person to love the child? So these are very, very

00:51:40--> 00:51:46

important things? Because these children I affect your Jana, they are your agenda.

00:51:47--> 00:51:51

Absolutely. Thank you for that hard, deep reminder that was quite deep as

00:51:52--> 00:52:18

childhood upbringing and the trauma that we have in ourselves from our own upbringing impacts us massively in the way we deal with our spouse first and foremost, and then our children, love worker Allah's rather make it easy for all of us. Who are in these situations. That's lots of questions is that in the q&a from Shabana from anonymous person? Jamya psyker? Mama, you mean fantastic questions. I'm just going to take this one, which I think is

00:52:19--> 00:52:37

relevant to this particular slide here from on Moodle hydrojet. Thank you for that question. Beside which style is the best I think Kim Malone's already responded saying authoritarian what is meant by expect blind obedience. So on the slide, it says authoritarian says expect blind obedience.

00:52:38--> 00:52:47

And then on little failure is asking which style is the best one from the four that we mentioned? I guess that's the ultimate that's the ultimate question of this year Correct.

00:52:48--> 00:53:41

pestle is the authoritative there is a big difference between authoritative a see a repugnant authoritative style. You do not demand respect you commanded by your manner is some people call that a teacher style. A teacher said right? That's the That to me is a great style, I found that you're able to gain more from connecting with your children, setting rules be supportive, giving them a independency as well as creating a warm atmosphere. So the authoritative style G. Kim style has just answered your question on that, but just to explain something that Sir Ken Robinson in this book, which is called you your child and school, he has a section on finding your parenting style. APA is

00:53:41--> 00:53:51

really very well summarized. Don't worry. I'll put this in the links but I also have a slide at the end summarizing his point. But to answer Kim's question about blind

00:53:53--> 00:53:59

I think the question was sorry, in on this slide it says about blind following of blind obedience from

00:54:01--> 00:54:03

the man negate but it's naturally something that comes.

00:54:14--> 00:54:17

You are freezing. You're frozen? I can't hear you. Sorry.

00:54:19--> 00:54:59

Can you hear me? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Yep. Should I read this expert excerpt from the book of Ken Robinson raises authoritative parents expect the children to follow the guidelines is set for them. But except that these guidelines are work in progress. So that's that's that's what you expect from them is blind obedience, but you don't demand it. In fact, when people obey my authority, status that is also conscious parenting. They are able to engage children themselves where they are themselves may point to your daddy with you. Yesterday. You did this I really felt hurt. They

00:55:00--> 00:55:07

share that and you say my gosh, I did not know you know that my words were hurtful. So it is an engagement right?

00:55:09--> 00:55:14

Yeah, absolutely. There's couple of comments that are just very quickly here. There's one here from

00:55:16--> 00:56:01

Sajid, mashallah there's a thread across the sales we need to always be cognizant of, but moderation and balance is key, as is what styles are more prevalent in different situations and Allah knows best. That's a comment from Sajid. But and are you say that also you've put a comment here, which it's powerful, it's not beneficial to whitewash our parents and grandparents style. There are deep wounds that need to be addressed between the generations so that moving forward, we don't carry the same issues forward to our kids and grandkids. I think I want to just respond to that. I think the critical thing is, under no circumstances, their cells were appropriate for that particular time. It

00:56:01--> 00:56:21

himself said that when you bring up children now must remember you're bringing them up for a time that you will not been exposed to. So it's important to understand the the world has changed, right? So our grandparents and parents, Allah bless them for the values, the attitudes and whatnot, you know, there's a comment here from

00:56:24--> 00:56:32

Melinda navajas Thank you very much good parenting can give headaches but wrong parents can can give heartaches I've actually read that in this book.

00:56:34--> 00:57:03

I repeat again, good parenting can give headaches, but wrong parenting gives heartaches I've actually read it. It's in here in this book. Okay, moving on, folks. We've just hit the 30 a half an hour mark, and we only have about 15 minutes before we need to let our honorable guests go. Anyway, by the way, by the way, by the way, sorry. I'm enjoying it so much. I do not mind if you have a follow up on this really, I think especially discuss here. It's interactive. And Allah bless

00:57:04--> 00:57:07

our erudite, erudite audience.

00:57:09--> 00:57:20

Okay, fantastic. I'm just I just wanted to show you this slide. To summarize, if you don't mind this slide here, about the impact on children. So I was doing some research as part of my reading. And

00:57:22--> 00:57:31

this particular study, which was you can see, there's a SlideShare with the reference that there's also a commentary on it.

00:57:33--> 00:58:09

This was looking at the four styles, but it was looking at impact in fall for different reasons that it was looking at self image, emotions, social skills, and academia, academics, in other words, the academic team. And so it's assessing the different styles, impact on four different criteria, right, and it's looking at self image, emotion, social skills, and academics. And again, you can see here now, the, for example, the authoritarian one, you talked about low self esteem, don't trust the feelings and weak behavior don't get along with poor social skills. These are kids, kids, kids, children of authoritarian parents, this is what basically the research is showing that they're hard

00:58:09--> 00:58:49

to concentrate in, you know, the achievement levels are average, their self esteem is very low. They don't trust the feelings, they have weak behavior, poor social skills, we can see that, you know, if you look around in your circles, you can see that as a reflection on some of the parents are looking at the children, whereas what we talked about authoritative, which we're saying is largely speaking, or ideally authoritative is that say that with the authoritative children of authoritative parents are likely to be happy and successful, are likely to be happy and successful, according to authoritative parents. Why? Because on the self image, children have a self high self esteem,

00:58:49--> 00:59:19

they're very assertive emotions, they trust the feelings, they regulate them, well, they have self control, social skills, the social responsible, the less peer pressure to get along with empathetic, like you said is that and in academia, in the education, they learn, well, they have more confidence. And they also are high achievers, this is what I was saying. And then you have the other two styles. And you can look through that take a screenshot of that. That's research that's been done over in the States. And I just thought it was a really good one in terms of measuring impact a bit more in four particular areas.

00:59:20--> 00:59:58

And that's quite good. I'm just going to go past this in shallow style, because I think we've spoken quite a lot about Islamic parenting and that that we have the Prophet solo sermon, the way he did it, and how these tiles fit into the Islamic perspective, because we've seen countless examples from the Prophet SAW Selim, where he was affectionate to its own children, and then to the wider community of the sahaba. But then we also know examples where Sahaba came to him and you cited one already, where you know, the father was being unjust to his daughter by side sitting his child on one lap and letting it sit on the side. And the professor responded was saying do not do not have a

00:59:58--> 01:00:00

second lap. There's another example which is

01:00:00--> 01:00:36

sited in the last webinar was where the man came and said, I don't feel any affection or love towards my children. And the prophets have said, well, you know, you've been deprived of mercy from your heart. Yes. So we, I think there's quite a lot there much of that for us to take. And I would love time, time permitting, I would love to do more on the emotional intelligence of the Prophet SAW son. But I think this section is where our guests, our participants would like us to look at which approach actually works best for our children, so we can adapt the individual approaches to ourselves, you've rightly mentioned throughout this whole webinar about our relationship with our

01:00:36--> 01:00:39

spouse, or spouse, you know, and in terms of

01:00:41--> 01:00:58

as a marriage, and then obviously, that output is parenting. So one size doesn't fit all. One leadership style doesn't fit all. And as such, it was saying, is a thread between all these different styles at different places different times. And

01:00:59--> 01:01:36

I think that's a really important point. And again, in this book, he does go through the importance of having situational leadership. So the looking at the needs of the child, when they need it, what they need, and when they need it, and then looking at the style that you need to adopt for that situation. And I think one of the things we can say, going back to the slide about the Prophet SAW Selim, the remarkable thing about his tarbiyah and his prophetic leadership, was he was a situation leader. Correct? He was he was dive. He was dynamic. He wasn't static. And so I think, I think that's fantastic. And it's what you say, what can you do if you despise opposing parenting styles?

01:01:36--> 01:01:55

That's a question that basically has been put to us by Sarah, Shiraz. I think that's a really good conversation to have. It's in the q&a. So if you have parents, I've got it here. Actually, it's actually coming up in further on. Sorry, that question, sir. Can we take that question? Here? Let's take it Yeah. What's the question? Yeah.

01:01:56--> 01:01:59

Okay. Okay. Is?

01:02:01--> 01:02:42

Yeah, the question? Yeah. So yeah, you can take this, this is the question, I just ignore the slide. The question was, what can you do? If you and your spouse have opposing parenting styles, we often see this it's a bit of a joke, because mom's discipline the children completely different to parents. And you can see that from mom's car and dad's car. Example. Okay. They also say, you know, what? Do you want to be a housekeeper or a homemaker, setting difference? A housekeeper or a homemaker? The important aspect is this, that not when people attend a seminar like this, it's important for the husband and wife, the mother and the father, to sit to have a discussion where

01:02:42--> 01:03:27

they do a self appraisal self critical, and then look at what is best the way forward. Because what happens, the moment one of the spouses is undermined by the other one the children, then that's a recipe for disaster. I put no issue if you're disagree for the children, there's, there's very, very good, right, so you will show them that even in a relationship, you can disagree, but you are respectful. People have opinions. But the moment you undermine each other that is problematic, because then you're incubating a monster children know how to manipulate that. I think it's important for the mother and father to sit down have a targeted discussion. And they say, Okay,

01:03:27--> 01:03:48

fine. Let us implement this. From tomorrow onwards. Let's engage the children. And you have a conversation with them. Say mommy and daddy were speaking, we're deflecting. And we realize sometimes we do make mistakes. But we want to do what's best for you guys. And the same token, we want your opinion of how you think mommy or daddy can be more effective.

01:03:49--> 01:04:18

I hope that answers your question, Sarah. It's good question on the slide. Someone's asking which book am I referring to? Link will be put in chat. And it's by Sir Ken Robinson, I think this was his last book he wrote and published before he passed away. It's called you your child and school. It's an excellent book, I must say. And I didn't know this when we were developing the series. I didn't have this book in my hand. But it resembles a series superbly Well, or the series rather resembles this book really, really well. It's a fantastic book.

01:04:20--> 01:04:26

Because it's something about him. Yeah, he is a person that was really an authority on creativity.

01:04:27--> 01:04:59

And how to get share this I think is important. As parents, we got to understand that one of the beautiful qualities besides kindness and generosity, the skill is of creativity. There was a study that was done, which I would like to share. The study was of 1000 children between the ages of four and five. They were tested for the creativity 95% tested creative geniuses, were saved children between the ages of eight and 10 the Pacific

01:05:00--> 01:05:31

down to 32%. The same children between the ages of 13 and 15. It went down to 12% purpose they tested Tao 20,000 Adults Only 2% were tested creative geniuses. So what is happening? We are either schooled or to creativity. Our homes are stifling that. And today, what is required to thrive in our society is people that are creative. Thank you so much. Is that absolutely that I think was that Stanford University's research?

01:05:32--> 01:06:08

So famous research that was done in terms of creativity of children, and then following them into the adult life, they went from 94% to abysmal. 2%. Something went wrong in the lives and it's either schooling or parenting as useless that there's lots of lots of questions that have come in and I'm on the slide or the section rather, which has to do with let's look at some scenarios here. Okay, so scenario one to start, let me throw this to you. Right, scenario one, you have a 14 year old child who doesn't want to pray and by the way, the ones who put these scenarios in the q&a I'm going to come on to in between these inshallah so I've got a few scenarios is that what would you say? Is the

01:06:08--> 01:06:15

right parenting approach, in your opinion? For a 14 year old child who doesn't want to pray? Would you be authoritative authoritarian, permissive or

01:06:16--> 01:06:59

less? I think, you know, I don't want to compartment competent accompanied by compartmentalizing what I would say. I think the first thing the mother and father need to have a discussion and ask him the question, why is it that your child doesn't want to pray, they need to reflect on their own mistakes because you know, what's very, very important that when, when they say you need to introduce Allah, the eight to seven, if they do not read at the age of 10, you can beat the child they are such is long before the child was seven, the child's of mommy and daddy really, and children mimic adult behavior is so if there was a error on your part, you need to reflect on it

01:06:59--> 01:07:50

right? Then what you need to do is to identify to have a conversation with the child, right and promote the idea of salsa. And Islam is all about gradualism. A step by step approach, step by step Okay, today Inshallah, today, you and I pray together today, slowly, and let you see the benefits of it. You also get to know remember, this is time, these are teenagers, they are, you know, turn that light to rebel and what not right? The second thing is get to know who the friends and drip by drip approach you can make a difference. Now, the one point I want to make, it is not enough to tell the children the what and how of Salah it is important. Why? Why are you reading salah? But that's a

01:07:50--> 01:08:01

question. We are part of rural society, kids are free to ask, but why do you read Salah when they themselves do not have the answers? It almost diminishes their faith.

01:08:02--> 01:08:32

So there's a question also here, it's a difficult one from SR. I was, I hope you don't mind me reading it like this, I was raised by a high tempered mother. I'm going to read this because it could be common for some, some of us, she lives with me and my own family, I cannot have a proper conversation with her and it has affected me mentally. Another issue is that she favors my younger brother favorite ties as my younger brother sorry, in her eyes, he is perfect. I feel ashamed of her behavior to me.

01:08:33--> 01:08:40

But no one else outside of my house has seen this. Now the question is what can I do as a display of my mother's disgusting behavior? My children see all of this.

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I think you know, a critical thing. And she's your mother. And I'm not saying and parents themselves, not infallible. Sometimes what might be obvious to you may not be obvious to her, you know, you'd be surprised. And I think whether you should engage into code in a very loving way, and then share with her your feelings without being disrespectful, as on one level. I mean, I cannot exhaust the response to this program. The same token, I think it's important that you do not make a mistake with your children. And you must make an excuse for your mother. You must not undermine her font of your your children. Because this issue about you know, that parents sometimes are

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prejudicial or they give someone preferential treatment is a very, very common thing. But sadly, they themselves do not see.

01:09:40--> 01:09:59

So maybe yeah, maybe maybe also, you need to speak to your sibling and ask to simply on your word to speak to mommy without it making it her issue. In other words, saying Mommy, I see someone you do this. I know I know. It's not right. But you know, in that way, get someone else to

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Be your ambassador inshallah. Zara has made a good comment in just responding to sajit comment in chat, I thought was a good one to mention at this point, you know, we see things always as black and white and hunky dory and nice and bad. Well, actually,

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I think a couple of years ago, many of us might have seen the movie, inside out, which looked at Child Behavior and mental health and looked at what's going on inside of children's heads. What we learned from that movie was actually, you know, you have joy, you have fear, you have emotions, different four, five types of different emotions at play, and sadness. We all look at sadness, and we see joy. Most of us want to be joyful. And think sadness is a bad thing. But actually, what that movie teaches us is that we do need those emotions, sometimes we need to feel sad, and sadness can make us, you know, find our true self again. And so Zara has made something very similar as a

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comment to replying to Sajid in the inbox, which is we need to model conflict management. So in a crisis situation, we can like you said earlier, we need to turn the negatives into positives that I think you were talking about earlier. So we need to model conflict management. In other words, if children never see their parents disagree, they will never learn this art. And we'll go into a marriage expecting that there will never have conflict disagreements with the partner. But the reality is, that's not true. So there's a positive to it. There's a positive effect. I want to say this, because you mentioned early on, I didn't want to reinforce it. Yeah, one of the most beautiful

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gifts you give your children is a gift of emotional intelligence. It's a greatest gift is the most effective antidote to marital issues. And so important, it is so important is that you experience the emotions, but it is what you articulate when you're going through those emotions. It's important. Absolutely. Another question is, if you have a narcissistic parent, do you have to keep the ties of kinship with them?

01:11:58--> 01:11:59

Yes, you should.

01:12:00--> 01:12:29

You should. What is important is about how you manage them. Right? If you are able to understand and who they are, you'll understand exactly how they operate. So you need to be simple and polite, right? You don't have to, in a sense, get into a situation where you become argumentative, and so on and so forth. Just be polite and civil. And make dua for the big noir for that. Right? I know narcissists.

01:12:30--> 01:12:51

narcissists, right, very few of them, right. But if the uncles aunts, or the friends in which you are close with, perhaps, you know, you could whisper, asking them, you know, just to help the dad because narcissists, the parents themselves limited you, they require a lot of help a lot.

01:12:54--> 01:12:55

Perhaps repairable.

01:12:56--> 01:13:09

So we can see countless examples, again, from zero. To the Sahaba, men, women effect is on wives, respect the parents, even sometimes they were not Muslim, sometimes whether we

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make a judgement.

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Even when they were not Muslims, even when they were of a different faith, respecting your parents instructed his own wife to do that, too.

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Also, there's another point, you see, the point is this, you got to ask yourself, Why am I being consumed by Why am I allowed to get underneath my skin. And that's an important aspect you see. So if you're, you've got to also look at your self esteem and your EQ, look at it, develop those things, and then you'll be able to manage it far more effectively. Because you know, what you need to present all the time in whatever situation, you're not be consumed by things behind you, or things you just experienced a little while ago. So start just on that point, because this question comes up quite regularly, even when it comes to abusive parents. And it comes to you know, lots of

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different sort of toxic relationships. And we say that the ideal approach to the high moral ground is to be better to people return a bad with a good, but I think we have to also be very careful, we wish healthy boundaries where they're not able to harm or damages. That's something that think that is

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true. That is very, very true. Where you need to assert yourself, assert yourself without being malicious. When you assert yourself, you do need for the goodness of the other person. And sometimes you know what, sometimes it might take the whole family to sit with the Father and say, Daddy, you know what, we know that you love us, but you may not understand the impact we're having on our lives. You know, we live in fear of you. We only say things that is practical to you. Because you're not prepared to listen to anything else. You know, and that has to be discussed.

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It has to be done. And the it requires the United factor to do it. It Allah that is us effort, not the outcome. You do whatever you can and you need to warn you. Okay. All right. I'll take a few more questions towards the end of this webinar. There's some good ones in the q&a section, they're just looking back at the scenarios, let's just go back. Not that we have to stay on this note, it's

01:15:24--> 01:15:53

a child. So was that just conscious of time because we've gone over, but very quickly, one more from this scenario. Let's take this one here. Let's take this one here. A scenario where a college student who spendthrift and he doesn't? Or she doesn't, you know, hold on to the money? How would you? How would you nurture this child here? And then now hitting 1718 years of age? We've got a lot of money and the spending it all Yeah, you see, the thing is this, that

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they, there is a history with this person, right? Given whatever you have living a life of instant gratification, there is no consequences. In fact, you are perpetuating this kind of cycle, I think this person, this should be set down. And then you've got to start attaching consequences

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of you've got to start attaching consequences, saying you know, what, okay, after you had a chat with them, then you ask him what I plan to do the next month or whatever, in terms of when I give you your pocket money? How are you going to manage it? Right, what are you going to do, right? And he has been told quite clearly, it is a recurrence of the salary, you're either going to withdraw your pocket money altogether, you would like it to be self supporting. I'm just giving this as a knee jerk example. I think that's important. You got to attach consequences, that damage instant gratification does is unbelievable. Of course, this is a lot of deep rooted in our zero to nine

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years of age, early, early childhood, as opposed to later we see that we see what we're seeing here is the is the long term effect on the outcome, not the inputs. Okay. I think there's a, I think we've got to move on, because there's an important once again, if so, even if you have a child, you know, a learning disability, or there's so many variances, and your style will have to adapt. But you've got to be aware, I guess the key thing that's coming out this webinar is being aware of the different types of styles, first thing and then matching that up to the needs of the children. So whether that's someone with a learning disability, whether that's a child with a behavioral issue,

01:17:38--> 01:17:43

whether that's childhood mental health illness, or, you know, someone who's basically

01:17:44--> 01:18:08

massage is out of stock with a one moment, right? I will not call it a learning disability, I would say learning differently. disability has negative connotations, and learning differently and supported. And you know what? It's, I mean, I came across this the other day, this one lady, she's got a PhD, but they had to remove 25% of a brain

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under those circumstances, I mean, there are people who are doing great things. I think it's a learning differently. Beautiful. Thank you so much for that stuff that you admonished me publicly. And I liked it. I liked it.

01:18:23--> 01:18:28

I love it. Absolutely. And I read when I was in the Middle East, when I was in Dubai,

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they call them pods. Pod 's. And I couldn't understand what pods was because I just saw people with wheelchairs, giving priority access, and then I realize is people of determination. So it's how you how you how you see it? Absolutely. I think it's it's a really good point. Now, we don't have time, folks. And I think you're absolutely right, that we do need to have a follow up on this in short, but there was lots of questions about, you know, the approaches that we take with boys and girls, is it a different style of parenting for girls is a different style of parenting for boys is a difficult one this one? Because we've got to stay within, like you said the equity. I think you're

01:19:05--> 01:19:40

talking about equality versus equity when it comes to parenting. And is there a different style, which is required for each one? I don't know. We've talked about the styles between which ones is a good one for Dad and which one's a good one for mom, I think we kind of touched upon that this was kind of a bit of a humor that we have, where moms yell and dads are easy and moms are very much like protective and there is a fifth style which on the other side of the spectrum. Ken Robinson talks about it helicopter mum or helicopter parent is not necessarily always a mum. It's just a stereotype that it's usually the mum, but helicopter parents and you know, he talks about the the downside of

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the negative impacts of basically having children with no confidence because it mums always been there or the dads always be there looking over them. So these there's lots of lots of things that we need to

01:19:51--> 01:19:52

you know,

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I chose the Saudi part is the Allah blessing, right? The opposite is contemplating right there.

01:20:00--> 01:20:12

Maybe Maybe sometimes this year if I could come over to the UK and we could do a two day program. Brilliant all of them rarely but this is just scratching the surface. Yeah, absolutely.

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And if if the those that are taping I have people that just raise your hands please. So how to see

01:20:21--> 01:20:28

please raise the hand so mashallah, we've got lots we've got 1213 1415 1920 2620 3031 They keep Come on, let's go, go go 90.

01:20:31--> 01:20:36

If he doesn't touch your feet, then I'm calling it off, right? Don't break. Don't break. Come on.

01:20:37--> 01:20:38

Don't take my

01:20:39--> 01:21:15

word Shala thank you so much for all those who raise your hand. I can just say something. I will say something independently him. Okay. We started not paying me for this or anything like that. I met you at a parenting workshop in London, many, many years ago. And I'll tell you what, it was a fascinating two days at the University of St. Mary's. It was a fascinating two days I walked out completely refreshed and transformed. I was like, wow, I walked out learning to unlearn more than learning to learn new things. I learned lots of new things, but I learned I had to unlearn a lot of things. And that was many many years ago when my children were very young then so I thank you so

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much for for that workshop. And I think folks another two day workshop in central England somewhere, you know, around the regional workshops would be fantastic because it reads Mashallah. Okay, that we've gone well over is that what I'm going to do is, I'm just going to end the conversation here, because I respect it's your Iftar anytime soon, you need to pray us, and you need to prepare for Iftar. And our guests also, mashallah who have been very patient with us instead, with a special we've had over 90 people on Zoom, and hundreds more on Eventbrite. tuning in and streaming in Al Hamdulillah. And chat is still going and question and answer is still going. And I would like to

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just make sure we just have some time for one to one in South Africa. Where am I base, I'm in South Africa, brilliant. Folks, affiliation couple of things from my side. And then we can we can relax with the sad restores, we want to carry on can do and if you if he wants to continue Inshallah, for a few more minutes afterwards, we can do I've just got a couple of couple of slides I want to finish up on now. So if you want to now go away and get more self evaluation or self awareness, where do you go? What are the key links for further development? So there's three here on the screen, which have been inserted into chat now. These are tests that I've done. And you got a basic one, which is

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15 questions. Intermediate one, I think is about 42. Questions. I liked that one, the middle one, the advanced ones quite good is actually a PDF, so you have to print it off, put it in, add your scores up is one of those old manual ones, right. But all is gold as they say, because I like the third 1/3 One actually shows you in order of three, your strongest one, your second strongest one and your third strongest, your third strongest presenting style, I like the advanced one, but it's old school. If you don't want to do that, you just want something that's digital, the intermediate one, this will be quite good for you to look at your parental styles in honest reflection. Don't

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tell us or don't tell the computer or the server or the test what you admire of yourself or fantasize about yourself or what you should have been talking about what you are and what you have been doing, in an honest way. Because you did an honest reflection, you need an honest marker as to where you are today that will allow you to reflect upon your parental style. And they'll do two or three different ones because each one has different ones. But they're really fantastic tools available at our disposal Marshall a free of charge. Get yourself tested on that. And it's a starting point. Remember one thing, this is not medical advice. This is not brain science. This is

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just psychometric testing or psychology that's been put together and tested on many, many people that is a starting point for you to see where you are and what you need to do to grow as a parent. Now, also following on from the last webinar, which was on emotion television, we talked about MBTI Myers Briggs Personality testing, and whether you are an INFJ or ISFP, or en te Jo en F j. Right. You can actually Google this Myers MBTI parental styles. So this is I should have had it here. I've looked at it so many times. That's quite good. That looks at Myers Briggs from the lens of parental style. So it merges these four styles, authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, you know, laissez

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faire with the personality types. And it shows that the what is a typical of an ENFJ with the parents, it shows you the pros and the cons was typical of an INTJ, I think is quite fascinating, because we've already had a session on this to follow on from that. You can Google that there's plenty of sites to do that. It's quite good.

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Now in terms of further learning, and where you want to go from here, you want to continue your personal development I've cited

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And three, because these are ones I can trust, and these are the ones I know. But there are many, many, many more than these. Okay, there's a lot Alhamdulillah 10 years ago, I remember looking for this and there were many. There were we didn't have many faith based, qualified practitioners, you know, nuanced for particularly for Muslims who wanted Islamic parenting and not just someone who's the coach but certified coaches or people with counseling background with parental background with pedagogical science and different sciences. I go with parenting and marriage counselors today, Mashallah. We have quite a few sisters, we're sisters, brothers for brothers, mixed families, you

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know, people in different sort of circumstances, people with trauma, but the lots of national parenting and marriage courses are available. Now I'm doing site three that I can vouch for, because there's no point putting something here that I haven't vetted or haven't experienced, that would be wrong of me without the risks as I already mentioned to you, if you go on to the risk site that site is still working, is that right? I hope so.

01:26:02--> 01:26:06

I hope so, I just want to say a few words out of

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just Mullah for the very very kind invitation I regarding to in a few years my brothers and my sisters and I pray that we are able to transform the home the challenges are so many I say we are living at a time where the Ummah is bleeding you know and the home should be a place in which is happy place that removing positively and so I want to wish you well and psychologists have said if you do not change within 48 hours after a presentation is unlikely you're going to change so I pray you will be able to change to come together look after yourself. Thank you so much someone is saying if all three come together and have a family reach all of us Sarah you and I

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remember asking your prayers remember my mom my dad my mother in law is not well at all 95 years old

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society Africa has opened in member all of you Inshallah, thank you sir. Thank you take Angela remembers when you thought it was best. Thank you so much for joining in inshallah. The rest of us. I've just finished on a few slides we start thank you so much take care. Salam Alaikum.

01:27:19--> 01:27:58

Salaam. So folks, as I was saying, Inshallah, just if you bear with me, there's three things that you can look at. I can mention here. These are the ones I know. So you got two surgeries. Last session, we had Marian from nursing learners, and she's a parent certified parent coach. So if sisters want to go on to her course, I think we mentioned she was doing a course on raising yourself very similar to this is a good follow on from here raising yourself as mother's mature fantastic feedback, but her work and for those of you who do know, you know, we run a parents retreat, Family Retreat, rather, this is a parents retreat. So we are looking at with lots of feedback from parents,

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mashallah about running a retreat for mums, perhaps mums and daughters, and dads and lads. So this is a retreat that we are well known for. And we love organizing these retreats that we are looking for, can I just have a show of hands of if you could raise your hand if anybody would be interested in shantala for these retreats, which we take you away in the UK, and possibly abroad, but they're very much focused on coaching you and getting the best out of you and transforming you in an environment away from home in downtime, and we do that for families. Those of you being mashallah know that how fantastic that retreat goes? This is specific parenting, and we could have someone

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like we started with join us actually, for that retreat, he would be brilliant. So workshops on Play and Learning and reflection and you know, the the environment is much such that we are transformed and we reflect on learning. And we've got two upcoming webinars inshallah. The first one is on webinar six, the last two webinars of this series is one on Saturday, that just needs to be confirmed. I think it should be live shortly. And that just we just need to confirm that we have a speaker Inshallah, we just need to confirm and that's seven extracurricular clubs that children need before other work. That's gonna be a fantastic one, because we've got this dilemma of how do we

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upskill our children holistically. We know schools can only go so far madrasas can go only so far, neither of them doing it holistically, mashallah they're doing it well, but not listen holistically. So we have to top up, and our timetables are really very, very tight. So the dilemma that we have as parents is what how do we squeeze in all the other clubs and what clubs are there and what skills do they need? What key life skills do our children need before adulthood? So it's different for pre teens or tweens as we call them and it's different for teenagers adolescents and so we're going to look at that inshallah Allah we're going to be inviting one or two speakers who have confirmed in

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principle, we're just waiting for that confirmation to go through that Saturday, and I believe that's three o'clock. The next one is a