Making Your House A Home

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Edris Khamissa

Channel: Edris Khamissa

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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The Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful, the Lord of all the words to whom we belong to whom is our return and made choices, blessings go to the highest of Allah creation. Our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the most beautiful father, the most beautiful grandfather, indeed the most beautiful human being a gift to humanity. As salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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I want to begin my presentation.

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By encouraging each one of you to reflect on what is being said,

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My talk is not going to be philosophical or esoteric.

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It'd be very, very practical with things that we can apply in our homes.

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If you look around us today, this is a global phenomena.

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If you look around us today, and this is indeed a global phenomena,

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you will find

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that many of our homes have become sad places the site of contestation struggle, this misunderstanding and it is not a happy place.

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The real challenge is anyway,

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how do we make our house a home and there is no better example than the example of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam.

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And I want to look at a house is a metaphor.

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When you see a house, what comes to your mind?

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To me a house is a place like a museum.

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There is no wall.

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No humanity there as it were,

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there is no love.

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There are people staying there. But there isn't any kind of emotional connection.

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There isn't a recognition of the other, what is your role to me and what is my role to you.

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children grow up feel as if they are borders in this house.

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So basically, a house is a very clinical place, a place in which

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there is no love, appreciation, gratitude,

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no faith,

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no example worthy of the highest emulation.

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But you know, home

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these warm

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these understanding,

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these gratitude,

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these learning, these forgiveness, the self reflection, these conversation,

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where people eat together, where they have a commonality of vision,

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where they know that we can look each other with love in a non judgmental way.

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Where they know they can make mistakes and Indeed, Allah is merciful, that your mistakes will be forgiven.

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A home is a sanctuary,

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a refuge supposed to be the happiest place away from the humdrum of the office, the workplace from the traffic

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where you can come and unwind

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and where these what are called reciprocal understanding.

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Where the wife understands you you understand the wife, way she understands the nature of your work.

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gives you some space to unwind where you also understand her

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with children are proud to say

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I have a wonderful mother and a great father Alhamdulillah that is a home.

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A home is a place where you are reminded about what your purpose is on this earth

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and why we are born

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and in a real home,

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children as they're growing up, even by the time they are six or seven.

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They would have seen enough for them to know what is the purpose

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Now this is a point. Our Nabi sallallahu, wasallam spoke about that we need to be best with our family. And he says, worst effect, I am best with my family, I am best in my family. It's a very, very powerful statement, a powerful statement by very powerful Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam. I'm the very best in my family. And I think it's time for us to reflect on that statement.

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who celebrates you more? Who will celebrate you more when you pass away? Your family, your friends, the community? Who?

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Who will celebrate you more.

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So when you are the best with your family, what does it tell you? It tells you that when you come home, as much as you had a tough, tiring day, whatever, you give the best to your family, you are working for them. So you need to engage them in a way that uplifts them, that makes them feel important. And this is an important aspect.

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It's a very important aspect. I want you to bear that in mind.

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Now, if you look at an obese lossless relationship would be Khadija

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that relationship, in many ways, is very, very instructive. Like all his relationship with his wives.

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When he went through that surreal experience, when

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I feel like a pilot now is

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Love is in the air pilot.

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So anyway,

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if you look at that relationship, that relationship is so so instructive.

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It was such a surreal experience.

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And who has maybe Khadija she's the one that supported him financially. She supported him emotionally. She was his confidant. She was there for him.

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And what happened when he came home,

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almost hysterical, sharing this confusion of his mind. What does she do? She comforted him, she reassured him, he said to him was to this effect, that Allah will not disgrace you. You'll never be disgraced because you're a good person.

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You're a good individual. And this is a very important thing.

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There are two fundamental principles involved in this. Number one,

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who did he go to?

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He went to his beloved wife.

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Now, some wives might say, but my husband will never come and tell me stories. He goes somewhere else. And without being overly critical. Sometimes we as wives also need to ask the question that why is it you will not come to me?

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Also, we need to ask those questions. We need to reflect on our relationship. We need to understand where we come from.

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And he remembered BB Khadija long after she passed away.

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And they knew his other wives knew the love he had for her.

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And one day said, How can I forget her that she was there in my greatest time of need?

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When I was rejected by others, she was my comforter. She's very, very important to understand that. So, from emanating from that particular aspect is this. That when we come home, we must come home consciously and with intentionality,

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with intentionality and we must say to ourselves, what is it that we need to do? How do we need to spend our time what kind of conversations should we have with our spouses?

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And the other important aspect is this. If you look at Nabi sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam

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he always inflation Bibi Khadija, you always show gratitude

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in public and in private.

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He never ever criticized any of his spouses, privately or publicly.

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He never did that.

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Sometimes we have some issues at home. It becomes part of a public discourse.

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The whole world knows about it.

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And if you go past there, they said, Yeah, you know that person, a man. I don't know what's wrong with him.

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We get to gossip.

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The affairs at home, remain private. Our Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam never ever compromise on that.

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And we need to understand that.

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Also,

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what was he? He was the meat of the home. What does it mean? Today, sadly, many of us men, I am escalated. We do not assert ourselves, our midship and our midship does not mean you got to be dictated. We do not consult with our spouses and with our children. We do not make decisions together with them. They have no idea what's going to happen the next week or the following week. unist in so it's very, very important for us to reassert that amidships at home, to discuss things together. And that is very, very fundamental.

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And if you look at the home of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam it is the home of love

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of love.

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Our Nabi sallallahu wasallam was a very romantic prophet.

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He had nicknames for his spouses, his so called BB Aisha Humira,

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and they had a particular metaphor. It was like a secret code they had it was about the tangle knot. And every now and then she would remind him about that. He says, He says just as tight as it was the first time

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it was that the romantic affiliation, that connection with each other

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and we find that inshallah MiG doula as I said yesterday, I intend. My next book I want to write is Nabi sallallahu sallam, the romantic prophet.

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So let me ask the men are you romantic?

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So if you're looking at the place here, right, wives, their husbands romantic, put your hands up.

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One, only four hands and their husbands are looking back, right? Only four hands and up or two more. Okay. Right. And and what does it mean to be romantic? What does it mean?

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the wives of the Prophet they should look forward to him coming home. Yes.

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Right.

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And he's to look forward to seeing them.

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They had a lot of fun together.

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It was a reciprocal understanding, he understood them.

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The next important point that I want to mention very quickly,

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is the fact that we need to came to rearing children.

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What was his philosophy? You always spoke about being merciful to children. You must have heard the story. Many, many times of a Bedouin, when you saw Nabi sallallahu wasallam kissing one of his grandson's is settimo prophet of Allah, I have 10 children, I have not kiss any one of them, I will not be allowed to sell them said words to this effect. It is not my fault if Allah removed mercy from your heart.

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Or if you do not show mercy allow will not show you mercy. And what was his methodology? His methodology was a play methodology.

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He never stood up to speak to children he was on his falls it eye contact with them, telling them I'm at your level.

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I mean, you know the famous story when he was his grandson was they remained there so long. Right? We know that. So there was a very important there was an emotional connection with him and his children, and he loved them. And his favorite was of course, baby Fatima Zahra. Right. But one of the things that he did, once he was lenient and merciful, he was not overly indulgent.

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You understand? You always reminded them about the year after always told them there was one time when she requested a main

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and if you want to read a very, very emotional, poignant story, you need to look at in detail the relationship between Nabi sallallahu wasallam and Bibi Fatima It was so close the respect they had for each other. We need to visit her she used to get up is to kiss on the forehead and should make him sit where he was sitting is now it was whenever he

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If Medina is to go to her before he went out, when he came in to go to her,

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that was his relationship with her.

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So when they requested a maid, he said that the

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orphans left because of the last Sahaba in the battle are more worthy of them than you. But indeed, then he gave her a gift.

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And what was the gift he gave her?

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What do we read up to our Salah

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does basically

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33 times one date and hamdulillah 24 times a love of birth as a gift to give to Bibi Fatima and what was the gift you always reminded her about the year after reminded her about her status. And that's important to see the critical thing that we as parents, you know,

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it is said that in giving our children what we did not have we have forgotten to give them what we had

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in giving our children what we did not have we have forgotten to give them what we had.

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And what would you want most from your children is the fact that when you are dying or you you passed away, that Mashallah

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they would lift up their hands and pray

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for your forgiveness. And say Allah forgive my beloved Father, forgive my beloved mother, because of who they are

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such wonderful people, they reminded me about you, Nabi sallallahu, Alayhi, wa sallam, so on and so forth. It's a important aspect about leaving that kind of legacy, reminding them about what their purpose is. So when it comes to children,

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you play with them, you laugh with them. But all the time you are an inspiration. There is no hypocrisy, which is what they see and what they don't see. They look at you and say, I like to be like, Daddy, I like to be like, mommy. So that is also very, very important.

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The other critical area of WC law, some something I know, many men don't like, yeah, about is the fact that, you know, he used to help around the household chores, you know, do all of those things. But what he did, as it is recorded, the moment the call for prayer came, he left immediately, he stopped everything. So the same important thing also is about helping around the household chores. Right? And in that way, what does it do? It tells your spouse, I care for you. I'm here to make it easy for you. I'm here to support you. So this is also a very, very critical thing about supporting but the whole thing in this year, the issue of Salah, he never compromise on that.

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The time for Salah came, there was no I'll go just now he left immediately is to ask below. May Allah be pleased with him also, when are you going to comfort me? What did he mean when you are going to give the call for prayer?

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You understand? This is important.

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And I want to be sallallahu wasallam said was the fact that you need to love him more than you love yourself. Very, very powerful statement. powerful statement. Right? What does it mean? If you truly love Nabi sallallahu wasallam

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you will embrace his Sunnah yes or no. When BPI, sir was asked about Nabi sallallahu sallam, she said he was the walking Quran. Everything about him is such a gift to us. We cannot thank Allah enough for that reality. So it's very, very important that in our homes, that we have healthcare programs, we look at the issue like tarbiyah, we look at other areas, so that we can also be an inspiration. The other point I want to mention very quickly, is that when abbyson allowed, he was seldom said I've come here as a teacher. And he said, I've come here to perfect morals. So one of the things that we need to do, we need to make sure that we teach our children social etiquette.

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Teach them our men and teaching them how to engage with each other, how to speak to each other, the kind of consideration that you must show. And that is a fundamental thing, because it is these manners that give you give you gives us our humanity, speaking respectfully.

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Right

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Under no circumstance, under no circumstances,

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you know, couples should be rude to each other.

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Under no circumstances, yes, you can disagree, but don't be disagreeable. I recall, some years ago, when I was doing a parenting workshop in the UK, and amongst the many things I mentioned, I said their parenting is not so much your relationship with your child, but your relationship with your spouse.

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So, one of the parties to participate, husband wife, somehow, that statement began to resonate, you know what I'm saying? It began to resonate with them. And then few months later, when I came back to the same venue to give a talk, they came there. And she said to me, brother, this is a pity. I cannot spend time here

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regarding your talk, but what I want to share with you something in your talk, you said, One nice thing I see only one nice thing. Is it too jokey. So no, no. But this one thing that resonated with us, as to what what, what was it? He said, I, you said that parenting is not so much your relationship with your child, but relationship with your spouse. So my husband and I began to reflect on our relationship.

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And we realize that a few things we need to do differently. Amongst the things, they said, We need to be more civil with each other.

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Secondly,

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if we disagree, we must not become disagreeable. There is no place for rudeness. So they began to reflect without blaming each other. And when they went back, and they said, we began to implement the changes. And she said, after a few months, suddenly, we found that my child, my son, that normally screams, suddenly stop screaming.

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Right? Suddenly, he was more respectful. He was more obedient. So therefore, they say an apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

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You understand? So it's a very important thing that you need to do that. Very, very critical thing. So what's important is this, to make sure, be aware, even around the table.

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When someone wants a particular dish, how do they ask for it?

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Are they thankful? Do they show gratitude to the mother? Do you show gratitude to the wife for the wonderful dishes that she has cooked?

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And that's an important thing. Because whether we like it or not,

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women outlive us.

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They outlive us. And people ask me, how come they outlive us? I said, You know what, they give us so much of heartache, we die before they mean. So women outlive us. Right. And the point is this, if you do not give your wife dignity, if you do not empower her, if you do not consult further, if you do not say for example, your son or daughter, who makes a request says you know what, I speak to mommy about you, we'll come back to you. If you don't do that, I can tell you one thing is almost held on earth after that, because she wasn't given the respect.

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If she wasn't given that dignity, by you, throughout your life, they do not expect your children to respect them. And that's a fundamental thing.

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You cannot for example, think alike enough. If you've got a happy home.

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Really, if you've got a happy home, you cannot thank ally enough. If you got someone that you married to who has one understands you, and no one is perfect, you're part of life experiences. So it is a fundamental thing. And I will never be silly loudly or seldom knew the unique strengths of each of his spouses. He knew how to engage them.

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He knew when to speak when to be quiet.

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He was never argumentative.

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He gave them space.

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He was also a teacher. It is not for q2. So by chance that BB Aisha was a scholar of note. She was able to narrate critical aspects of his life and share it with us and we are the beneficiaries of it. So it's very, very important for us to relook at our marital life to look at our home. How is our home perceive? get feedback from your children, have conversations with your spouse and ask them okay, let's talk about our home. What can improve

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Allah forbid, she says can improve you go by.

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But what can you improve? What should we change? How should we change? What should we do? Get your children involved? Ask them for example, when you become a father or mother, what would you do differently? start having the conversation. Right? And I will not be allowed. He was seldom. Right. Why is it that people were drawn towards him? Children were drawn towards him. People were drawn towards him.

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Just because he was a prophet.

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What about him? He was very endearing.

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He was compassionate. He was caring. And most importantly, he was present.

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He was present. If you engage them is the point. We sometimes come home. And I don't want to give the impression that men are wrong. The woman are always right. It's not true. Right? You got to be present. What does present mean? Is that when you even greet your spouse,

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you listen to the greeting, and respond appropriately. And when you ask the spouse, how was your day, my daddy,

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my shoe shoe bouboulina, my dog.

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How beautiful.

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He says hamdulillah. It was wonderful. I hope you also had a good day.

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Yes, 100.

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And a Chris just to show of hands. How many of you have asked this yesterday? When you leave in the morning? You give your wife a nice hug before you leave.

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No one can believe it. Or some of you do.

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You'll need a lot of help me must come for therapy.

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No, really? You know what? It is so important. Why is it important that remember, when you leave for work when you come back? These are defining moments. Am I right or wrong? Isn't it defining? Right? Okay, how many of you? How many of you a year as the sons and daughters of your father and mother that might be a Put your hands up?

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And eternia right. Okay. Right. Would you be happy when you see your father mother hugging each other? Yeah, you'd be happy right? They hug right.

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Okay. Now, you see this is the point. The point is this. In fact, when I deal with marital problems, right when I deal marital problems, the civet I find in most cases, if not all, marital problems are caused by the child's experience growing up.

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When they have not seen the mother and father being affectionate towards each other, they do not know how to share that. And the first thing you should do is to come home and to hug your spouse give it a nice hug.

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Right? Your children must see that then you a hug all your children.

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Eating time is meeting time. Some Sahaba went to sell the loud he was sell them. And they said to him a prophet of Allah. He says when we eat, we are never satisfied. What was his response? Look at it. His response was perhaps you're eating alone.

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Look at it. Perhaps you are eating alone.

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the bark of eating with your family is such an important thing. Such a critical thing.

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I know of some families have a tradition. The tradition is the son might come from school or university. He tells his mother Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I'm hungry.

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You feed him. When the husband comes home. This is where he says you've already eaten. But in some homes, what they do, son, I'll give you something to eat to satiate your appetite. When Papa comes all of us need to sit together. You understand? Eating time is meeting time.

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Is engagement time where people share how was your day? One of my friends? You know, he asked one question of his son and daughter every day. You asked this question, what good deed did you do today?

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Another friend of mine asked his son and daughter in law asked him Did you read your Salah?

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Right. In other words, what is it that you stand for? What are your values and whether we like it or not? Whether we express it or not your actions to reflect

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your values,

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your actions reflect your values. So the home must be the happiest place, you must get excited about going home. Right and the wipers get excited, my man is coming home. It's very, very important, very, very critical, right to understand that it must be the household of Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a loving place, a loving place, right. And when you have God that love is the Collaboratory, they then you can go out and unleash your potential conquer the world. I said this yesterday, there are many, many companies today are doing parenting and marriage programs, because they realize, if a person is happier at home, is magic in the workplace. Otherwise, he's

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preoccupied.

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Right. And also, you got to bear in mind that all of us are products of our life experiences, each one of us, as the wives of Nabila Islam, they all were products of the life experiences, their own particular background, and all of us are like that. They're no two people are the same. And what is important is this is to recognize them, to recognize that your partner is never perfect, or nobody's law. Some women recognize that, recognize that you can have shortcomings, recognize them, recognize that we are made of different personalities, recognize that, and accordingly, you need to work around that particular personality,

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you need to do that, you understand, nothing can be more heartbreaking, my beloved brothers and sisters, nothing can be more heartbreaking for people to grow up in an unhappy home, for children to grow up there for spouses to go there with this constant tension and suspicion. And we are going to make mistakes. We're going to continue to make mistakes. And we must learn to forgive Muslim to forgive. I remember, you know,

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some years ago, someone sent me a YouTube clip.

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And in this clip,

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it was a I wanted why send me what's the whole thing for me, so I'll understand.

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So

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it was a Christian funeral.

00:32:23--> 00:32:31

And she was speaking about the husband was body was behind about 2030 people there. So she started out by saying,

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my husband had two obnoxious habits, can you imagine?

00:32:39--> 00:33:06

Two obnoxious habits. Right? One is to snow. And the other one, Allah forbid is to emit foul a. No, normal is a natural phenomenon. He says that I was he was alive. I found it to be obnoxious. Now that he is dead. I regard those habits to be beautiful imperfections. They were reminded to me that is alive. And well.

00:33:07--> 00:33:10

It's a very instructive thing to say

00:33:11--> 00:33:20

right now and not be so loud. If some also reminded us, he reminded us that you might find some shortcomings in your spouse.

00:33:21--> 00:33:25

But identify all the other good points she has.

00:33:27--> 00:34:01

What does he do is suddenly put things in perspective. I know sometimes when I'm doing marital counseling, right, no marriage counseling. And then sometimes specially our sisters. I remember one sister came they like she wrote her whole novel about the weakness of the husband came with that arm Do you know? So I asked your case system, I would like you to start and share would be what your concerns are about your husband. She opened a bank, she took out the pig book. I said finish. I'll be here the whole day. Right? So I said to us

00:34:02--> 00:34:29

she was really upset with me in the beginning. I said to a sister, before you share what you wrote them share three good qualities of your husband could make you that looked like what's wrong with you. You know, I've come here to shed my pain three good quality men looking at the husband he showed this is the right person to come to you know, hey, she had that look, you know very upset to me. Anyway, you cetera. And she started noting

00:34:31--> 00:34:31

his good points.

00:34:33--> 00:34:35

It went beyond 10 and even 20.

00:34:36--> 00:34:38

That soft in the heart.

00:34:39--> 00:34:50

That soft in the heart. Sometimes when you go through a trauma experience, it filters the way you look at the person Yes or no? Right. Then I said to her, okay.

00:34:52--> 00:34:59

Share what you want to share with me to this Okay. Okay. And she said one one or two areas

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This is a very important thing you see a very, very important thing.

00:35:06--> 00:35:08

In this dunya there is no agenda.

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Our agenda is the Akira, but unhappy home, which is a site of contestation and struggle like hell on earth.

00:35:18--> 00:35:20

And I believe very fervently

00:35:22--> 00:35:41

80% of those people who have separated I believe those marriages could have been worked. And I don't believe in putting a lesser plaster we need to we need to look at the underlying reasons. Right. So the home of Nabi sallallahu, alayhi wa sallam was a home in which the children grow up

00:35:42--> 00:36:05

feeling emotionally replenish, spiritually strong, they had a vision, they understood what their values were. And they realize that the year after the word is a means to an end is not an end in itself. They also realize that there is no harm

00:36:06--> 00:36:37

to articulate your feelings and expression. You must also read you know the poetry of Dali before that Fatima Zahra. How beautiful it was beautiful. Right. And, and you know what I was just thinking about this before I spoke you know, anything that is beautiful, you will find it in obese and aloneness. Anything that is beautiful. Today you find books and books written write anything that is truly beautiful. You see it in the life of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam

00:36:38--> 00:36:42

and for example, I just shared this year on any topic now take some questions.

00:36:43--> 00:37:03

For example, one of the very critical things that are not be said Aslam was today, we have people talking about emotional intelligence and all of those things yes or no social intelligence, right? and whatnot they're speaking about and who was the finest exponent of all of that I'm gonna be sallallahu wasallam

00:37:04--> 00:37:38

fineness exponent, he knew how to deal with an enemy. He knew how to deal with a differing viewpoint. He knew how to deal with a person his emotional, he knew how to deal with his own thoughts. He was never impulsive or rash. He was present. Right? If he went through something at home, hey, he never said no, I don't know why I married this person, as many of us do. In it, there was a perspective, there was no emotional meltdown. Yet our Nabi sallallahu, wasallam was emotional.

00:37:39--> 00:38:30

I would not be allowed to sell him was so carry. So the thing that I would recommend, very, very seriously, right, I would recommend the following things. I would recommend very strongly that all of us study, study, the CETA of Navy SEAL, allow yourself studied, understand it, understand its implications. What does it mean? and ask yourself this one important question. If I were to die now, this very moment, what legacy Am I going to leave behind? What legacy? am I leaving behind? Right, empires are built in the hearts of people. Right? The next important aspect is this. Ask yourself when you are at home, what aspect of newbie sellers are you implementing? What is your conversation

00:38:30--> 00:38:46

about? is a conversation only about the mundane? Is it not about the year after? The other very important thing is this? Do you and your spouse have a conversation to reflect on where your relationship is going? What needs to be done differently?

00:38:47--> 00:38:50

When you are at home? Are you truly present?

00:38:51--> 00:38:53

Are you truly present?

00:38:54--> 00:38:55

So

00:38:56--> 00:38:58

and I've said this yesterday, I'll say it again

00:39:01--> 00:39:02

an arrangement, the ritual,

00:39:04--> 00:39:06

a ritual that I have,

00:39:07--> 00:39:08

you know, with my wife,

00:39:09--> 00:39:21

and I say to her, no matter what you and I are going through, right? When I leave every morning, I want to see a smiling face.

00:39:22--> 00:39:37

I want to see that smiling face. Right? And you might smile you got don't worry about that. Right. And I always tease you know, send them I speak to her. I tell her Darling, I know love is blind, but he's not there.

00:39:38--> 00:39:59

Right? Not there. So then, so she as I said yesterday, she would wait at the door and I blow kisses to do that. I'll turn around, you know, right. And then I'll go down the road. I mean the main road now she's the veranda, I do the same thing. Allah forbid if something were to happen to me

00:40:00--> 00:40:11

Or to her? The question we asked them either of us, what was the parting words? It'd be so sad to say, sadly, my wife and I we're not talking.

00:40:13--> 00:40:52

unison I'm saying to you, so I don't think you know, what is important is this. If you look at Nabi sallallahu, wasallam What did he emphasize the dynamics of relationship. There wasn't one example of someone who said was the effect Nabi sallallahu, wasallam they someone, you know, he doesn't, he's not so conscious of his salah and his fast, but you know, but he loves a line is Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam so on ABC law Some said was the effect he'll be with those that he loves. Right? Sometimes what happens, we we tend to

00:40:54--> 00:41:02

become so focus on the ritual of Islam, we forget the other dynamics.

00:41:03--> 00:41:24

And I say to you, I know some of you may have challenges at home, with your family with your children. What is critical as much as you despise the action, love them, love them. It's important, love them, but despise the action leave the door open. And I want to share

00:41:27--> 00:41:31

maybe two little stories that emphasizes this particular point.

00:41:35--> 00:41:39

When w cell allowed he was seldom engaged with the children.

00:41:41--> 00:41:47

When Debbie slash them engage with the children, what did he do? Did it boost the self esteem or not?

00:41:48--> 00:42:34

Hey, D booster self esteem is to know it did isn't it? Can you imagine a child in Medina, speaking about his experience would not be so loud yourself. It boosts their self esteem. Make them feel good about who they are. They admire them. They loved him. They cherished him. Right? So it's very important that when you got children, you must give the the real challenge we have today and I said this many many times. Islam is a beautiful theme. We need to present it to our beautiful innocent children in a beautiful way for a world that is doing ugly. Sometimes it because of our conduct. They are moving away from the dean.

00:42:36--> 00:43:08

So in other words, you must be that exemplary. You must be that particular exemplary. And you need to give you a turn great attributes, positive attributes, tell them something shallow you're going to be a leader, hey, inshallah Allah be pleased with you. inshallah, you're going to contribute to the oma. I believe in your son. In a sin. I'm saying to you words of encouragement. Let me squash them give words of encouragement, words of support, purring words, not snarling words.

00:43:09--> 00:43:17

None of them were afraid to share what was in their heart, they experience and so on and so forth. Right. So I want to just share with you

00:43:20--> 00:43:21

to

00:43:22--> 00:43:44

experiences inshallah, and before I forget, my earnest prayer is this, that I'd like you to reflect on your home, sit with your spouse, and see what changes can be effected? If we do the same things the same way expect the same results, right. To two things. The one is

00:43:49--> 00:44:32

there is a third Anyway, I'll speak about it right. Right. Both my mom and dad have passed away May Allah grant them the highest status in Jana. And I just got news today, a very dear colleague of mine, a remarkable scholarship. She She is Ayesha Lima from Nigeria. beloved husband shake lemo a son is no Rodin lemo the mother is gone into a coma one conscious I got the Messianic dua that Allah makes easy for the family. You know, Allah help her in this difficult time. What an inspiration to many of us, you know, so, I told you this statistically, normally,

00:44:34--> 00:44:36

men die before their wife

00:44:37--> 00:44:59

and my mother, may Allah bless me, bless all your parents in Sharla. She passed away before my father and my mother, you know, she soft heart like butter. You know, my mother. If I tell her a story of someone who's been through pain, her immediate response is tears to cry.

00:45:00--> 00:45:08

She goes to a wedding. She sees the girl's mother crying. She cry. He sees a boy's mother smiling. She was smiling. So she

00:45:09--> 00:45:18

I grew up in a small town called port chefs. And I hope someday you come to South Africa, besides visiting me, you know, come to

00:45:19--> 00:45:23

pushups in. And so when I was at university

00:45:26--> 00:46:01

I used to be nice to go home. When my mother used to see me to give me a hug and cry. When I leave, she cried. So one day I came home, she didn't cry. So I took the mummy for what to cry, she cried immediately. So mothers, you know, Allah bless them. So anyway, so my mother, you know, anyway, so she passed away. So I went home, and I was talking to my father, I have five other brothers. So I said to my father, these words, my beloved father, Daddy, Daddy, you and I did not know Allah gave us an angel.

00:46:03--> 00:46:12

Allah gave us an angel. My father put his head down. He said, My beloved Son, what can I do? I cannot turn back the clock.

00:46:14--> 00:46:21

The day My mother died, that's the day my father died spiritually. Soon after he passed away.

00:46:22--> 00:46:31

When I should tell him, Daddy, all of us are here for you. He said, Idris, all of you are my wealth. But the most important person in my life is normal.

00:46:32--> 00:46:43

unison no one can replace that. So what I'm saying, I don't want any one of you to have regrets. I want you to always see the bigger picture, as Nabisco model reminded us

00:46:44--> 00:46:59

that we're going to meet our Creator, we are going to make mistakes, right. The other story very quickly, is this. There was a father and mother who came for one of parenting workshops. And

00:47:00--> 00:47:13

unbeknownst to me, they came there because the son was involved with drugs. I had no idea. It was a seven week program. We submit them on a Tuesday evening, I think it was in Cape Town.

00:47:14--> 00:47:15

And

00:47:17--> 00:47:20

after one of the programs,

00:47:22--> 00:47:53

she comes to me she tells me, Bradley Idris, on to tell you something. He said yes. The other day, last week, he spoke to us about how we need to hug each other, connect with our children, what not? He says, Well, my husband has never ever done that. And yesterday, we went to see our son in the drug rehab center. My husband and I went, and my husband told me after we interacted, he says, You know what, asuna Kai in a few moments, I'll just speak to him.

00:47:55--> 00:48:07

And she said, When my husband came down after maybe 1520 minutes, I noticed that he was quite emotional. I didn't want to ask him. So I went to my son later

00:48:08--> 00:48:10

and asked him what happened.

00:48:11--> 00:48:26

She said, My son started crying. He said, Mommy, Mommy, Daddy, for the first time told me I love you. And he said to me, I dislike what you did. But I love you my son. What did you do? He said, Daddy, Daddy,

00:48:27--> 00:48:53

I also love you, Daddy, also dislike what I've done. Right? So sometimes, you know, you got to ask yourself, why is it that you're not showing affection? Why is it that you cannot be caring? Why is it that you are the way you are? And last but not least, I want to say to each one of you that I see a lot of sadness. Every day.

00:48:54--> 00:49:02

When I go back to South Africa, the moment I land is a couple from overseas are coming to see me I think a lot that they come to me.

00:49:04--> 00:49:11

And I say many of the issues are attitudinal rather than factual, unison. It's about our attitudes.

00:49:12--> 00:49:17

The family is a structure is one of the most important components in Islam.

00:49:20--> 00:49:22

A true family is connected by faith.

00:49:24--> 00:49:32

Not biological, biological is one aspect but more by faith, the closest the critical thing is for us to self reflect.

00:49:33--> 00:49:39

To ask your children, sometimes for you to ask them forgiveness. Say I'm sorry.

00:49:40--> 00:49:59

I love you. I made a mistake. You understand I'm saying to you. So May Allah bless you. May Allah protect you. May your homes become a sanctuary, not a house that is clinical, empty of humanity. Empty of love, empty of faith, empty of all of that.

00:50:00--> 00:50:14

godless plays like a museum. Let it be a place where there is harmony with their discussions where you disagree but you're not disagreeable. That is where you forgive, and you are forgiven

00:50:15--> 00:50:50

when there is no suspicion where the Quran becomes central to this home with the light from Nabi sallallahu, wasallam the finest exemplary a gift to us, a gift to humanity. So May Allah bless you, my praise, may the days ahead be better than the days behind May the finest moment in your life be the moment when Allah calls you to Him. May all if you enjoy eternal bliss, inshallah my dua my fervent hope and praise inshallah we'll meet in Jan nine shall desert Camilla Salaam Alaikum.