Hangout 18 – Marriage Made Easy – Reda Bedeir

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Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatu. This is your brother Bowden Mohammed here on another episode of Hangout, where we basically just hang out. I'm saying we get some of our shoe our teachers, interesting people in the community, and we sit down and we chat and we have one to one heart to hearts on various issues, from all walks of life and society and anything that really interests us as Muslims in the West. So On this episode, we have a really special guest someone who I admire I look up to greatly he's kind of known as the love doctor of Egypt coming from Egypt all the way from Egypt. None other than Dr. With a bidet Masha Allah Baraka la sala crochet.

How are you doing? handy lads Akela here for joining us here today. We're having Henry let's always an honor to see you. And we we had you this con this weekend weekend at the conference's community center conference. hamdulillah. So we've been really getting the best usage out of you as possible.

I just want to say something I love your smile.

Thank you very much. Yeah. So I thought this episode, we would talk about marriage. Because I know Mashallah, you have a lot of experience in marriage, you've been married for quite a number of years. Me, I'm kind of a newbie, I've been around the block, you know, a couple years now. I've been married for about three or four years. But there's still so much knowledge about marriage that I just don't understand, you know, so many things about women share, what's the deal with women?

What's the deal? Why are they like, Okay, I know they're connected to us, but they're so different. Of course, like, you know, I don't want to start by saying women are complicated creatures, you know, and for, for men, and women to live happily together. They need to understand that Allah, Allah created us in a different way. You know, we're not the same. And it's amazing when you ask a woman describe the best man you want to get married to, you're gonna be she's gonna be describing a woman.

I'm sorry. If you ask a man, to describe the best woman that you want to get married to, he's gonna be describing a man. Because we as men think the same. And women think the same. So you want a female who thinks like a man. And she wants a male who thinks like a woman. But we're different. The way electricity, our you know, the way we think that we act, the way we act. For example, you know, sometimes you go back home, I'm not sure whether you have been through this, and you'll find your wife all of a sudden crying. And then you say, Honey, why are you crying? She's gonna say, I have no idea.

And then you keep repeating, because you really want to show that you care. It's like, you know, honey, I just want to help you like, I can see you crying without doing anything. Can you tell me what your crush is gonna say? I told you, I don't know. And then you insist, and then she gets smashed? Like I told you, I don't know. And he's like, you know what? Cry your eyes out. And when you leave the house Subhanallah she doesn't know. And you will be amazed. He come back home, like after half an hour. And she's gonna come closest, like, you know, how are you? Like, what were you saying? Half an hour? Yeah. What are you crying? It's like I told you, I don't know. What do you

want to bring it up again? So just let it go. And this way, the person I'm saying, you know, sometimes you see things he said, like, you know, you know, a good believer, his alma mater, how often is the difference between the powerful enomoto raffle? raffle means heedless, careless, and mindful. But with a raffle you see things happening and because you know, the nature of the other person, you just like, let it go. Let it slide. Exactly. Well, I know and it's very much I think, very, a lot of wisdom and that advice because I think like you said, you know, there's a lot of people who I think have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I know for myself, for instance, you

know, before I got married, I had this whole you have this whole laundry list Mashallah, everything you want, you know, you want it to be like this, and you want it to be this tall, and you want this family and this amount of color on and all these things. And sometimes, you know, the expectations are unrealistic, you know, it's it's, it's like you said, you're looking for someone just like you or you're looking for someone just like this and but sometimes it's not even what's best for you. Right? You find sometimes that someone who maybe is the complete opposite of what you had in mind some sums up the right spouse for you. But still, there are so many brothers and sisters out there

that are struggling to get married. You know, we see it every day, guys and girls, they you know, they're they're getting desperate now they're, you know, doing things that they wouldn't have done 2030 years ago, they're going online. They're you know, holding different events in the masjid and trying to do the matchmaking service is a huge industry right now in the Muslim for the Muslim community in the West. What do you have to say about that? What do you think? First of all, sometimes people they don't know it.

Anything about marriage and they learn through marriage. So those people who rush into marriage without knowing what marriage is, they end up having so many problems. Like back in the days, I used to live in Calgary. And like, you know, we all know that the rate of divorces are really high. And I will conclude a marriage contract for a couple and they will come to me after a couple of months, like, you know, it's not working.

Yeah, that was like, when it became a phenomenon. It's like, you know, hey, hey, let's stop here. And I developed my class called engagement, before engagement. And I said, You know what, for anyone who would like to come to me, you need to attend the class, and pass it because at the beginning, they used to come, you know, what the bar is here? And they're not there. I said, Okay. The test is coming after we get it.

I say yeah, because you need to take it serious, right? So for some people, you don't want to say marriage is like, it's a simple, it's a word, right? To me, it's something really, really much bigger than a word, man. It's a, it's a sentence. It's a life sentence.

And some people, you know, they think it like, like, I'm serious. It's a life commitment. Some people think, you know, you know, in marriage, inshallah, we're gonna have fun, you know, we're going to spend lifestyle, I'm going to read the Quran, I'm gonna do this here. And there is no responsibility, there is no assurance, there is no bills to pay, there's no pregnancy, there is no pain, there is no disagreements. And then once they hit, like, the real life, there was like, Oh, I didn't know that. This is why, you know, Islam, you know, came up with with with the best scenario for marriage. First of all, there's something called, as I said, like in my class engagement, before

engagement, right? So what's meant by engagement, engagement is like, in Islam, we define it as a non binding promise of marriage, out of which either party can walk away without any responsibility. And again, you know, I know some people will be upset, but what I'm saying, but again, who cares?

Because this is what Islam says, meaning, we come together, okay. The man proposes and, of course, the way he comes, he comes through the door, not through the window, you know, like, some people come through, like a facade book, you know, sort of Facebook and, you know, texting and emailing and stuff. No, you know, and then this holla, you know,

teaching at the university, sometimes, I see couples that I know that there are Muslims, especially like back home, so I stopped, and I really spoiled the relationship, because I stopped there and say, Who is he? Or she, then they give me the dirty look like who are you? You know, and of course, they know that I'm a professor at the University. So I was like, you know, listen,

he's a very bad man.

And she looks at me, he's like, you know, how dare you say this, like, you know, she doesn't talk about like, you can sit in her eyes. And I say, if he's a man, he shouldn't be sitting with you. Now. You know why? Because if your dad goes by now, it's gonna run away.

Right, Mr. Boss, and he feels embarrassed. And I say, if he's a real man, you know what? He should come and knock on your door, and ask for your hand. He's just passing time now. You know, just having fun. But when he intends to marry, he's not gonna marry someone who's dating.

And then I say, am I right? Right? When he says Muslim, so you see, and then she starts, she starts fighting, and then it's all gone. Yeah, but check. You know, I think there has to be an in between, like, for some people, this idea of, you know, like, Okay, I understand the idea of engagement. But for some people, they still feel like, you never really get to know the person in an engagement. You know, when families get involved. It's still very formalized. Everybody has their nice face on, you know, you don't see the person like how you would see them when they're married. What what is the solution? I know, dating is not a solution. It's not allowed in Islam. Allah, we love days, we eat

dates in the morning. It's a swindler. But we never date, that's a different story.

To tell you the truth, like when it comes to engagement, that's what people don't know.

The man would come and sit with her in the house, you know, the doors would be open, but then they can have their private conversations, they can be kind of away from the family. But again, the door is open, because the processes have told us, you know, if a man and a woman is behind a closed door, shaitan would be the third. So but if you know the door is open, anybody can come in, people can hear what you're saying. Then you have some privacy, but in the same time, you know, you will not be allowed to do something haram because it will always be there. So they can sit together and discuss everything and people don't know the right questions to ask. Like, I mean, I always thought the the,

you know, a lot of questions that you hear people ask her like, okay, you know, how much Koran Do you know, and they'll ask you about, you know, just kind of like the generic dumb questions. Okay. You know, so what are the right questions?

should somebody be asking some of the questions would be like, you know?

What is difficult for you when it comes to Islam?

Then you get the person to think before they speak.

And then you say, when was the last time that you missed? fudger? So if he says, What do you mean by fudger? So you know what I will firstly gonna get mad at you. So I'm saying,

when you get angry, how do you act? And how do you react?

If I do something that bothers you? How much would you keep it within you? without sharing it with me?

Okay,

you know, there are like, there are really real questions that can tell you about the person, you know, saying who are you inviting into the wedding? You know, so, during that period, like they should discuss everything, except one thing, which is the emotions. Today, in our real life, people, they discussed nothing, except emotions, engaged people, they are exactly as if they are engaged people began to send texts like, you know, I love you, I miss you. This is totally unlike impermissible. You can discuss emotions, because she's a stranger, and he's a stranger. They have no rights of one another. But they can talk about future plans. For example, what about my education?

Would you allow me to continue my education because they assume and after rights like law, you have to stay at home? Divorce, who's going to be in charge of finances, she has students because in her house, the mom is in charge. When the guy comes and says, like, you know, I'm going to be in charge like, No, no, no, go do like my mom, divorce. What about children? He comes into the marriage, like, you know, I want to have children right away. She says, No, I want to have children after two weeks. So after two years,

know. So, you know, we discuss everything, everything, we're gonna, we're gonna we're gonna live, you know, I'm gonna travel a lot. Would you accept that? Because later on this issue is like, you know, I didn't know that you're gonna be traveling. You know, I can't handle this. I'm not gonna leave my country. I'm not gonna even leave my neighborhood. And then they get divorced. So we discuss everything, like, what's the plan for the future? And then what do you want to get to know? You want to get like, you know, how does the person look physically? You don't say they look, let's not, you know, because people get their ideas now from where, from the movies or TV, movies,

internet. Exactly. But when we go back to the pure sources of the foreign and the sooner, we will learn that, you know, engagement is, is important. And you get to know the person, at least 10 to 20%, you marry them in you will get to note 10 to 20%. You stay with them for life sentence, 25 years, you will you will learn about to 20% you will die, at least don't 60%. So don't ever tell me that when you live with a person, you get to know them. It takes a long time when you interact with them. Because we all know that the Lord asked the man did you do you know? So also? They said yes. He said, Have you traveled with him? He said lo have you dealt with him financially? He said no. He

said, You don't know how

this is how we develop known person.

I mean, you spoke a little bit about it. But I want to expand more on the idea of weddings. You know, I think specifically you know, different cultures have different expectations for weddings. How many that my wedding wasn't extravagant, you know, it was very cheap to families came together. You know, we did like just basic from the sun. But weddings can be a big fitna, you know, there's a lot of things that go down. I know, some people, for instance, they want to do something, you know, more conservative, I guess more in line with Islamic values, but the families are completely opposed to it. And the families want to do something huge. And they you know, the girl wants to ride it on

an elephant and they want to have this whole big band and music. And so how do you compromise like what your parents want versus what you want? versus what's islamically? Correct versus what's cheap. You know? How do you find the balance between all those things? In fact, you know, what, when Allah Subhana, Allah blesses a young man and a woman to get married, they should start their life with obedience of Allah subhanaw taala. So should go back and say, What would please Allah?

Because, you know, by the end of the day, will lie. I've seen this with my own eyes. There was a couple who followed the culture. They did like a wedding, in a huge hole in in a hotel, just to show off. So the brothers thoughts, who pays for that? The young man who's getting married, starts his life with a debt. Just to show off.

Does this make any sense? Now, your parents will say, you pay for the wedding. I invite the people who would say that? Yes, we invite everyone. Okay. Number three, Islam tells us there is no mixing. What happens in weddings today. In fact, everybody's dressed up to try to, you know, catch a match.

Within the winning, this is not Islam. And the more you expose of your body, the more dazzling to the eye, your soiree and that and that and that you know the men and this is not Islam, you have music and suppiler today just to go and visit some people and to have the Koran, you know say in here we're in LA Roger, what happened? So the Quran is linked to the dead spot Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah seen, he said, return euro man Kanhaiya the Quran, okay for the living one. But we have the Quran when somebody dies. You know? Well, I, you know, I just tell you like a personal experience. There was a young man who was away from Islam, he was up flexing. And then he just came to pick up

the sister from one of my helpers in Calgary. And then

he attended a story that I was sharing at the end on a cliffhanger everyone. So you ended up coming the following time to know the end of the story.

And then suppiler that was his beginning. And he started coming to them. So that was his heart.

So when he wanted to marry, he brought his dad and he said, he was like a thug before marriage. She told his dad like, Listen, this is my wife. Whatever he says, you know, it's like an obligation. He's gonna be in charge of my marriage from A to Z.

And it was Paula we started a train there. We did like a, like a look from A to Z. And Islamic flooding. As paler many people follow that after that. So we had to host their wealthy people. hamdulillah we had to hold in a hotel, one for the sisters, one for the brothers. We have a sheet I was standing there doing stand up comedy for them with other people. We had fun. We made competitions for all the audience. Men were separated from women. And you know what? There's no that social hypocrisy where everybody's trying to put a face on their face. Like you would love to see how we are like, you know, easy talking now like free, like freestyle that was it. Men with men,

women, older women, you know, there isn't a sheet here, there isn't a sheet here, there's no music, there's no mixing, everything was Helen. And everybody left with a DVD with a booklet in the competition struck, you know, even the competition was funny and informative at the same time. Like, you know, who can give me you know, an idea what a last name is Wilson. And in one of the authors would say, Allahu Allah has like a Mashallah tech via come, we gave him a DVD. So everybody was happy. We had like competitions, young people come race, and then we give them something. Okay, but how do you balance like, for instance, between, or just maybe a quick response, but I want to I have

a couple things I want to ask you, but how do you balance like if my parents, for instance, are going to be paying for the wedding or I know that my parents are very invested in you know, my wedding and they have very persistent as to, for instance, something like music, or they're very persistent as to you know, a lot of times you see girls Mashallah Maha Jabba she, she wears hijab, everything, but the wedding day, the prince will say, No, we want you to take off hijab, you know, what do you do? Is it is it that is that that time, you can disobey your parents or you can disagree with them, and you can, you know, make a stance and go against what they ask, of course, of course,

because we we obey our parents, unless it's disobedience, to alternator. That's true. But again, how do you do do the right way? You know, because, exactly, this is what we need to know, you can say like, no, music is haram, you know, like, you know, I'm not gonna do this, you know, just throw them around, you know, bring, like, you know, brothers who have, like, beautiful voice have like a background of like, you know, like natural, like, it sounds like you know, the sea and get them exposed to something like you prepare them before that, like so. You know, we want to watch that wedding. See how, how it was very good. And we're hoping Alas, pantalla. So what if that person dies

on that day, when they took off the hijab, or the obeying until that day, and I saw that couple, they were driving out of the hotel, drunk, drunk, and they were driving, and they ended up like, you know, crushing in a tree and both of them died without even considering the Manage trunk. So what would be the difference in front of Allah subhanaw taala. So get them get them to listen to this. You know, we obey Allah and until Allah smart Allah blesses us with a great gift called marriage, they will be human that day. Let's drink. Let's take off the hijab. Let's have music, let's mix let's we have to start our life. show a lot that you know what? We are grateful to you by obeying,

you know, by this opening on lampstand May Allah help us share because I know that the community definitely is dealing with this marriage crisis as we like to call it but I can really appreciate all the wisdom you shared with us here today. And I'm sure the viewers took away a lot of great gems in Sharla. So just gonna hear dr. oz over there for being with us in sha Allah. May Allah grant you a long life and a lot of wealth and happiness and many years to come in Sharla can we shift

Something about the in laws at the end. Sure, sure. Okay. What do you want to share? You know, there was

a mother who had three daughters and they were married. And she wanted to know how her sons in law love her. So she went with the first one, you know, and they had some fun time on the beach. And while she was swimming, she dropped, you know, she pretended to be drowning. And that was, you know, the eldest one. So he rushed and he saved her. So the following day, he found a black Mercedes in front of his door with a gift cards saying, Thank you so much. You saved my life, your mother in law. She wanted to do the same thing with the second one. And he did the same thing with her. She pretended to be drowning, and he saved her. following day, he found a silver BMW in front of his

door

with a gift card saying thank you so much. You saved my life. Your mother in law, mother in law. Yeah. Then she went to the third one, and she did the same thing and she pretended to be drowning. What he did, he pushed her and she drowned. And she died the following morning, he found a red Ferrari in front of his door with a gift card saying, Thank you so much. You saved my life, your father in law.

That note,

Zack, thanks for joining us in Sharla. Stay tuned for more episodes of hanging out, hang out where we hang out and really just kick the can with so many great people

for watching. We'll see you next time.