Marriage Makeover – 05 Forgiveness

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Quran Weekly

Channel: Quran Weekly

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Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

Marriage Makeover – Ep 5/5 – Forgiveness – Haleh Banani

In this final piece of our “Marriage Makeover” series by Haleh Banani, find out how forgiveness can help you achieve inner peace and happier home.

Episode Transcript

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Salam Alaikum Quran Weekly This is halloweeny. Today I'm going to discuss how to remain in a happy marriage The one thing that you can do to stay happily married inshallah Bismillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah? Well, yeah, for a while you Yes. For who? And to help boo. And I said, Oh, Allahu la comme la la hotel food on Rahim, let them pardon an overlook, would you not like that Allah should forgive you. And Allah is Forgiving, and merciful. It is inevitable that you're going to face issues and problems and may argue with your spouse. I know, it's hard to imagine if you're just newly married, you can imagine ever getting into a dispute with your spouse, but it will

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eventually happen. And when that when it does happen, then it's going to be critical for you to be able to forgive, we all talk about forgive and forget. But what does that really entail? And how can we take this forgiveness what Allah has taught us what he's encouraged us to do, and make our marriage long lasting. Because as the years go on, as we face more experiences in our life, we're bound to make mistakes, we may say things that we hurt our spouse's feelings, we may do things that are unforgivable, yet, if you learn the act of forgiving, then you can keep your marriage going on strong for many years, inshallah, there is a damaging effect of holding a grudge. Most people when

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they get into some kind of a fight or a dispute, they hold on to it, and they just are not able to forgive and let go. What happens is that, first of all, it destroys your inner peace, it ruins your relationship. So let's say you had a fight with your spouse, maybe it was over raising the kids, maybe it was an in law issue. Maybe it was because you just couldn't see eye to eye on the decisions you were making. But if you hold on to it, and you keep reminding your spouse about it, it's going to ruin your relationship, maybe your spouse got weak and made a mistake, set something that was wrong. And if you constantly remind them of this act, and you constantly hold the scratch, your

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relationship will erode. And what happens a lot of times is that you're bringing up the past, so you're living in the past, you're no longer mindful of the present, you are angry and sad and upset about something that may have happened years ago, and you're missing out on this very precious present that you have. And so it also weighs you down emotionally, you are carrying all this baggage, and it makes you depressed, I can't tell you the number of clients that come in, and that they are not able to let go. They're carrying these bagages of these emotional baggage is and they're upset, they're frustrated, they are bitter and resentful. And it's affecting every aspect of

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their life. First and foremost, it's affecting themselves, they have lost their peace. They're no longer happy individuals, they're depressed and bitter. And they're negative, very pessimistic. So you have to be very careful that you don't hold a grudge. And it really messes up your eemaan. What I would like to describe is that say if your heart is seen as a vase, and the hole inside the space is the grudge, and the water that you're pouring into this phase is your good deeds, how how far can you get in filling up the space if there's a big hole at the bottom right. So this is what happens to when you're holding a grudge when you're angry at your spouse because of something they said or

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you're frustrated from your in laws, whatever it is, then this is going to eat away at you all the time. So you got to let go, let go of the emotion let go of the baggage and restore the vase cover the hole and be able to so that way, you can fill your vase full of good deeds. You can fill your heart full of good deeds and nothing will take away from it. It's really a decision that you have to make when when someone hurts you when someone lies to you or cheats on you. Whatever it is that they do to upset you. You have the decision to make. Are you going to be a victim? Or are you going to be a Victor? Are you going to play that victim role where you

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feel sorry for yourself. You're bitter and you're angry and you have a pity party for yourself? Or are you going to be the individual who rises up to the occasion, who forgives who moves on and feels empowered? What are you going to choose? I leadin psychoanalysis Sonra. He was bahadurgarh. He Welker, the mean al Qaeda, wha

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wha la who y'all have been sending, those who spent in the cause of Allah during ease and hardship, and who restrain their anger and pardon the people, Allah loves the door of good. Those who spend many times when we talk about young fickle, and you don't tip on us that we usually refer to spending wealth and giving charity, but it could also refer to giving generously of your love of your time of your affection. So sad RA, which comes from the word Center, which is secret, giving in secret. Now, when you give in secret, of course, that can apply to the charity giving that and secret. But it all could also could refer to how you treat your spouse and kids behind closed door

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when no one else is looking right, because a true sign of a believer is that he acts the same behind closed doors, as he does in front of others. And if you are kind and gentle to a person who cannot benefit you, that is when you're able to give in secret, the rock is giving openly giving openly, of course in charity, and also treating your family with kindness and respect outside of the home, to set an example and to be a good role model. I always tell my kids that when we go out as a family, we are being watched as a Muslim family we are a we need to act as a model family to do the dour with our actions with our behavior. And I remember actually when we were in Malaysia, I had left the

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kids at the pool hotel. And we had something to do and I told the kids be really aware of your surroundings don't disrupt people, there was a young couple that was spending time there. I didn't want them to be disrupted or their piece to be messed up. So after the kids spend time in the pool, I ran into the husband and wife and the husband is like, Are you the mother of the kids in the pool? I was like, oh, what did they do? And I said, Yes, I am. He is like, they were amazing. They were so loving to each other. They were so kind and he has and this is a non Muslim. He's like, what are you feeding them spiritually? What have you given them that they're so kind and loving to each other?

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And it was incredible how we ran into this couple several times. And he repeated that he repeated how the way they treated each other and hamdulillah Mashallah Tabata Kala was an example for him. And it made him be impressed with the way he was being raised spiritually. And I told because I'm going to use see people are watching, they're watching, they're listening. So you really have to be aware of how you're acting in public, because that's the biggest and most profound dow that you can do. And it's easy to put on a show for others for a few hours. And you find that hypocrites with hypocrites. There's a huge difference. There's a discrepancy between their behavior when people are

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around and when they're alone. So we really need to try to close this gap between how we act when we are alone, or when we are with our family, and what is our public image? How do we act in front of others, because of being alive, this is about holding back your anger, you know, anger damages relationship. I remember having a client from New Zealand, and he had come in, he was a non Muslim, and he wanted help with his anger issue. And he had actually gotten arrested for acting out he had road rage, he, there was domestic violence. And so he wanted to learn how to take control over that. And he had said that his anger had actually it had ruined his life. It ruined his marriage. It

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ruined his job because many times he would react to his customers, and they wouldn't ever come back again. So it can really destroy all your relationships in your life. And one of the ways that I you know, worked with them was about letting go of all of these things and putting it into perspective. I mean, is it really that important? Who gets to the light first? Is it really not important when things don't go your way to be able to let go? And through a lot of these anger management, he actually became such a pleasant and mellow guy. It was really incredible. The transformation

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He went through, you know, it really this anger destroys your eemaan. When you lash out at others, and you hurt their feelings, this is something you can't take back. Once you utter those words, then there's no way of taking it back. So true strength is being able to control your anger, like the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he asked the Sahaba, who is the strongest person, and the Sahaba, answered the one who wrestled his opponent to the ground. And he said, Actually, the one who is strongest is the one who can control his anger, because it really takes a lot of self control. And I have the utmost respect for individuals who could be in a very difficult

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situation, they could be really under fire, and yet they hold back because that is a true test of character, and the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he warned us three times he warned us three times against anger, because it's so important. You ruin relationships, you can end up sending, you can gossip, you can hurt feelings. And so that's why he puts so much emphasis on it. And there are psychological and biological effects of anger. If we're constantly in that state of anger, it's going to start affecting us biologically, we're going to get stressed out, we're going to have high blood pressure. And even psychologically, we're never going to feel at peace. So we really need to

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learn how to control our anger ashina on illness, this is the forgiveness forgiving the people forgiveness restores relationship. So I had a situation where a couple came in. And the husband had made a mistake it was, it was really a big mistake. But the wife decided that she is going to overlook, she is going to overlook the snake and and restore the marriage. And it's amazing how forgiveness can be one of the biggest emotional deposits that you can make, because we have a bank account with each person. And we need to make daily deposits. And one of the deposits you can make is being able to forgive and to let go. And the key of letting go is not bringing it up over and

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over again. You know, as women, we are notorious for doing this bringing things back from 10 years ago, we really need to let go of that. And make sure that when we say we forgive, we don't bring back the past. And if you're able to have the ability to, you know, to restore your relationship, it will be incredible. I remember being in a conference actually in Malaysia 1000s of people there and I told them take this moment, the talk was on forgiveness. I said, Take this phone right now, close your eyes. Think of someone think of someone you just boil insight when you think about them, but they've wronged you in some way and you've been holding a grudge, I want you to just forgive them.

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You don't even have to move a muscle, right? It is just a thought and a ceiling. something so simple, but has such a profound impact on your peace, on your relationship, on your status with a law. And we did that. And at the end, a sister came up to me she goes sister, you know, right before I came to this conference, I had a fight with my husband, who was so furious and was so mad, I was ready to go back and you know, just to get out with him. And when you told me to forgive him, it's like it was all gone. It's I just I just gave it up and I can't I want to go back. I want to get something for him and go back to subpoena law. A simple act of forgiveness can restore

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relationships. And it can even restore sisterhood and brotherhood. I think we take these relationships so lightly, we blacklist someone we decide that we're never going to deal with them again, over a small misunderstanding, our sisterhood. And brotherhood has to be so much stronger than that. We have to be able to withstand we need to make excuses for each other. Because a lot of times we make mistakes knowingly or unknowingly. And is for every little thing we cut ties and we block for someone there's not going to be anyone left you're going to have that one friend that you're going to hold on to what about the sisterhood? What about that brotherhood and forgiveness

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restores communities, you find that a lot of time massages, they dispute over differences of opinion, and they can never unite. So we really as an oma, we need to unite we need to forgive, overlook the mistakes of others and really focus on forgiving and forgetting a law who you help with sinning. So when we do something wrong, when you follow a bad deed with a good deed, then you correct yourself and

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Set the balance in the right direction, right, I always tell my kids, you know, if he did something wrong, the thing you need to do first of all quickly make Toba and then immediately follow up with a good deed because bad deed counts as one bad deed is like one x, right? But then the good deed, you have no idea it could count up to 700 times. So you will definitely set things in the right direction for you. And when you hurt your spouse followed up with an apology, and a kind act. A lot of times people have avoidance behavior, they don't like to apologize, they don't like to admit they're wrong. Well, this is when a person needs to either man up or woman up, we need to take

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responsibility for our actions. And we need to own it, right? You make a mistake, own it, ask for forgiveness, and then move on and then ask, How can I make this better? If you're sincerely asking how you can make things better than you will definitely you'll restore the relationship and act according to how Allah sees you. Not according to your spouse. A lot of times people hold these grudges, but you don't know how awful he is. He's just such a jerk. Or you don't know she is just a monster, she gives me such a hard time. And they're not willing to take that step for their spouse. So I tell them, don't focus on your spouse, right? This is that horizontal relationship, focus on

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the vertical relationship, focus on your relationship with Allah, focus on raising your ranks with a law through the love and the forgiveness that you show your spouse for his sake. And I have had clients that they will come I remember this one client actually was referred by psychiatrists. And he called me and said, You know, I just helped this couple with their divorce because I've worked with them there is there's no helping this couple. And right before I had the therapy session, the daughter's mother called me, she was an acquaintance. And she told me, You know what, I think the best thing for them is divorce, just get them separated. They said, I haven't even seen them. Let me

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at least work with them. Let me hear their case. And so we started working together. And I saw that they definitely had a lot of issues. And they were very stuck in their relationship. They had only been married a few years. But sapana loved the moment when I introduced not only these, you know this concept, but a lot of the other concept about improving their marriage, a lot of the concepts that I that I teach in the five pillars of marriage, when they started learning that and applying it, their marriage started changing. The pivotal point was when they understood the concept of loving for the sake of Allah, doing things for his sake, not whether my if my husband's good to me,

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I'm good to him. If he's nice, I'm nice if he's mean, I mean, none of that it was about I want to please Allah. And when you give that kind of love when you are sincerely giving for his sake, then a lot puts back in that relationship, then you're not being petty, you're not being immature, you're not sitting there and making a mountain out of a molehill. And the ways that ways of asking for forgiveness. First of all, you have to make Toba right? Because in these relationships, we can make a lot of mistakes. And I find that clients come in, they may be very practicing, they may be very devout, they may be giving so much to the message to their community, but they're making huge

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mistakes in their marriage. And one of the first things I get clients is to make Toba ask for forgiveness for all the things you've done, knowingly and unknowingly. And you need to ask for forgiveness from your spouse or whoever it is that you hurt. Don't be too proud. You know, this one. Illness of the heart pride can destroy all relationships. If you're too proud to admit that you're wrong. If you're too proud to ask for forgiveness, forget it, you're going to be in a state of constant struggle, and constant fighting, when one of you is able to take that important step and ask for forgiveness. And imagine the blessing that you will get imagine the reward you got. So Allah

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says, you know, you need to race, right? You need to race towards forgiveness. So instead of thinking, Well, I'm not gonna say it if he's not gonna say I have that feeling like I want to beat my spouse to it. I want to beat him to it so I can get all the answer. And when you do that, you find that your relationships will be so connected and so strong. Make sure that you forget and don't bring it up. I know that you don't completely forget. It's somewhere in the back of your mind. But the idea is don't bring it up. Don't say oh, you made this mistake. You said this.

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You did that. Because imagine if someone kept bringing up your mistakes, you're not perfect, you made mistakes as well. You said things that were wrong, you may have done the wrong thing. So try to overlook so that Allah will overlook you right? So if if we forgive others than Allah will forgive us inshallah, and forgive yourself. Some people have a very easy time asking for forgiveness, they apologize immediately. But they can't forgive themself, they beat themselves up for mistakes that they have made. You need to just be able to let go of that as well. We all make mistakes, the door of Toba is always open. And if you are able to forgive others and forgive yourself, then inshallah

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Allah will forgive you. The benefits of forgiveness is first of all, you have internal peace. When you're able to forgive something that your spouse did, then you're able to have that inner peace, you're gonna have better relationships, you're not holding on to the grudge and bringing it up and living a miserable life, and you have a happier home. And if you work on this, and I know it's hard, I know. It's about giving up the pride and it's about taking responsibility of something that you have done, take ownership of it, ask for forgiveness, and if you do, you will definitely be able to inshallah, restore your marriage, restore your relationships, and have a very positive impact on

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your marriage and Sharla this audio is brought to you by Muslim Central, please consider donating to help cover our running costs and future projects by visiting www dot Muslim central.com forward slash donate