Married Ever After #10 Principles 14 and 15

Ali Hammuda


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The importance of managing one's anger and avoiding negative behavior is discussed in various settings, including seeking refuge in Allah's agenda, evicting homes from intruders, and changing one's posture. The importance of forgiveness and strong desire for others to forgive is emphasized, along with the need for people to avoid intimidation and be mindful of behavior. The conversation also touches on the healing process and the importance of strong desire for others to forgive. The conversation ends with a suggestion to call back in a year to boost a relationship.

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So the idea or the principle that we started to introduce last week, if you remember was the principle 14 where Allah says when Kathy Mina, and rave those who suppress their anger. And we said that we are covering the batch of principles that are dealing with what the phase of the marriage when a problem begins to rock the boat of your relationship. So now we're talking about suppressing anger.

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And then we introduced the topic by giving you the context of the eye. As you said, We're sorry or inaccurate in Arabic mirabito maganda. Inaudible has some Allah to one herbal, alright, that Lynwood 13. So part of the characteristics of the people of Taqwa is that they suppress their anger.

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And then I shared with you two caveats. The first caveat was what?

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What was it?

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That's it. Yeah, not all anger is bad.

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I think we contextualize that statement and what we meant by it.

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And then what was the second caveat, somebody from the side?

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Caveat number two.

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You're technically on the side Malik.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam also became angry.

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And this was not a deficiency in his character, God forbid it, he salatu salam, rather, it was from the command His perfection of his human perfection that is, and then we again contextualized what it meant. When he alayhi salatu salam became angry. Those were two introductory caveats into the principle of those who suppress their anger. And now we move in to the thick of the topic.

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Anger Management.

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If we talk about

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ways of managing the anger.

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And I've told you last week, if you remember that there are many studies to suggest

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that angry couples

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are a likely prey and a victim of marital discord. And that they're huge predictor of marital harmony, our husbands and wife who know how to manage their anger, and more often than not sheiks, counselors, imams, life coaches, family members, wise members of the community will all say the same thing. Anger is usually the first stepping stone to the breakdown of a relationship. So now we talk about how to manage it. If you have a problem with it, whether this is in marriage, or in your workplace, or in any other domains of life, I'm going to share with you three phases to managing the anger.

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And we can suggest that the very first phase is to not be a triggered person to begin with.

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So before we talk about how to suppress anger, when it begins to rage, phase number one is suggesting that you and I train ourselves to develop an internal calm.

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IE, we are by our nature, we become people who are not easily triggered.

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We are grounded.

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There was a calm to our demeanor, not easily triggered.

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Our neurology is at peace.

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Nobody can trigger you with a word or a statement. And if you were to draw a picture of this type of person's internal state, perhaps you have this image of someone who's kicking back on the chair and relaxing and only ever sitting up when something is worthwhile, like the limits of Allah being trampled on, for example, otherwise, this person does not allow anybody to pull him or her into their storm. Rather, they are the ones who pull people into their camp.

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You see, this is phase number one to be that individual.

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And subhanAllah this is exactly the behavior of our Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam he was a man who by His nature was not easily triggered.

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It will take a lot to upset him.

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And you remember the hadith of Anna's Rabi Allahu anhu, who said that once the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam was sat with his companions. And then one of his wives came, and she delivered a dish of food

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to host the guests of the Prophet alayhi salatu salam,

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and then our Aisha Radi Allahu taala. And her she became jealous because this was within her home. So she went to the person who was carrying the food and she tipped it out of his hand intentionally, and the food fell onto the ground. It spilt and the dish broke in half.

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And here the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam manage the situation remarkably, he wasn't triggered by the situation.

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Put yourself in that situation in front of your friends. How embarrassing is that?

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How did he react? He knelt down to the ground. He picked up the food. And he picked up the broken pieces of the dish and all he said was rah rah to Macomb got omocha your mother became jealous. Your mother became jealous. Notice how he didn't say I Isha became jealous.

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He didn't say my wife became jealous He said, Your mother became jealous as if to say what? Remember think well of our Isha early Allah wanna do this is from the Mothers of the Believers. And what affected her was perfectly natural for a woman.

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And that's why the Maliki's by the way. They say that if a woman was to accuse her husband of fornication, adultery

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and it is proven that she did this because of jealousy. She is not held accountable in the Islamic court.

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She is excused from any type of punishment for false accusation because it is accepted that this type of jealousy can obscure a person's judgment.

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And unfortunately, have no job again from the Maliki's. He said that there is a narration that says that hola Euro letter the island Why do you mean actually he that a jealous woman is unable to differentiate between the top and the bottom of the valley, because everything becomes very fuzzy and confusing. The point is that our mother I Isha was affected with what affects a lot of us, especially women folk, which is jealousy. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not behave in a manner

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of anger or rage did not rebuke. In fact, it settled the alarm on herself, she said, Femara you to daddy Caffee what he received in the heat. So the lesson, I didn't see any anger in the face of the Prophet alayhi salatu salam SubhanAllah.

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So this is phase number one, to train yourself myself to bring ourselves to this ideal, where you have an internal calm and nobody brings you into their storm, they can't do that you bring them into your calm. And it is very few things in life that can bring you to anger. But when you do become angry, it is worthwhile. And it is controlled and managed. And it serves you it doesn't work against you. That's phase number one. But you will say to me, come on, this is an ideal. That's not most of us. Our anger is still a work in progress, I say to you, no problem I share with you phase number two.

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Phase number two is about

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how to behave.

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When you feel that you're about to become overcome with a fit of rage. What do you do in that situation?

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And by the way, this is how we understand the Hadith. When a man came to the Prophet alayhi salatu salam, and he said to him, I was Sunni, give me advice. What did he say to him?

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don't become angry, and the man continued to ask for advice and the Prophet was saying to him, don't get angry. How do you understand this instruction of Don't get angry? Allow Bobby He said, It means do not do the things that anger brings about to naturally in a human being.

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Don't carry out the instruction of anger physically or verbally. The hadith when it says do not become angry is not saying that you don't feel anger, who can control that. It is saying to you what,

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don't carry out the implications of anger through what you say or through what you do.

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So phase number two is about controlling the situation. You feel angry.

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It's like a fire that is burning inside of you. And you're about to say something you're about to do something that you will regret. What do you do in that situation? I suggest six phases or six levels that can be used to deal with it.

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The first of them is an SDR that will be let him initiate on your regime

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to seek refuge in Allah agenda, Julian who from Chez Panisse

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see as responsible parents as husbands and wives as guardians of our children. And as homemakers. Our responsibility is not just to evict our homes from intruders and thieves.

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Our responsibility is bigger than that. It's to evict our homes from Shavon.

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And one of the ways of doing this is using this Quranic instruction of what we're in millions or one Kameena Shaitan in this room with a stereo biller.

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Allah says that if you are touched by an evil suggestion from Shavonne then seek refuge in Allah.

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What is the nature of this evil suggestion? This NAS which Allah speaks about in the Quran?

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Abuja federal poverty and others have said it means we're in now you're the bent neck if shaytan makes you angry,

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if che you find makes you angry, then seek refuge in Allah from Shavon.

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And then how does the I finish? Does anyone know? How was the IEA concluded?

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In na Hua,

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a semi Aulani indeed Allah is the hearing and the knowing what is the relevance of concluding the IEA with Allah's attribute of hearing and Allah's attribute of knowledge?

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Does anyone know? take a stab at it.

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You are told that if shaytaan angers you to seek refuge in Allah from him, then the IRS is Allah is Hearing and Allah is Knowing?

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Well Manasa

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What's the occasion?

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What do you think?

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possibly that Allah has heard the situation has unfolded and either lead to his most knowing of what was going on. So whatever the case is, ultimately to say the justice is with him. So if you've been, let's say wronged

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him and you're sorted out Allah fantastic. Yeah. This is the type of the double introspection or contemplation of the Quran that is needed. You think that the verse of the Quran or just concluded with a call for Rahim sent me on I mean, as you can Hakeem randomly arbitrary, you know, there is wisdom behind this panel.

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So Allah Almighty says, you know who who was semiology is the hearing and he is the knowing similar to what you said brother in now who who was Semia he is the hearing Yanni. Yes, now jehlen manggahan. Allah hears the ignorant behavior of those who behave ignorantly when they agree.

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Then the IRS says I leave and he is knowing meaning yah, yah, Lima Lima youth he believe Allah knows of the things that will repel anger.

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And one of those things is what I'm suggesting to you now to see are old bIllahi min ash shaytani. R rajim. To recognize that it is from him.

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ShaVonne is not an abstract concept that we believe in as Muslims. It's not an emblem of evil. Satan is a creature of Allah. He has NIMS he has a presence, he has a voice. He has a body, that befits how Allah Almighty created him. Shavon is a creature and he is present and he angers the believer.

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And that is why in the Sahaba on authority of Sulaymaniyah, Surah he said that we were sat with the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam, and they were two men who were cussing one another.

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And one of them his veins were bulging and his face was red.

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So the Prophet alayhi salatu salam said to the Sahaba in the Allahu kalimat and lokala hada man who now yeah did I know of a statement which if this person was to say, what he is feeling from Rage will leave him lokala bIllahi min ash shaytani R rajim. If he says I'll do bIllahi min ash shaytani R rajim.

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So, this is what stage number one and str either to say alpha Bit ly initiate

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number two from the six

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is to carry out will do

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will do Allahu Akbar is an amazing mechanism to bring down your age. It is not just to prepare yourself for will do it is also to prepare yourself for combat with Shavon.

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And that is why while yet if not you, Sofia and are the Allahu anhu, who was once giving the hot about remember, he was not just a chef and Imam he was at the time also the khalifa to the Muslim mean he was the Caliph of the Muslims. Yeah, Hong Kong Allah.

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And he was delivering the hotbar.

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And as he was speaking to the congregation and admonishing them an answer to him kidnapped, you speak a lie

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to the ultimate authority of the Muslims. What did while you do?

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Ma we will be Allah one who came down from the pulpit. And he went into his home. And he came back out a moments later and His beard was dripping with water he'd carried out although, and then he ascended the pulpit and he said Yeah, are you Hannah's own people? In Alibaba abdominal shade line. Rage is from sheet line.

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We're in not

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a shade line. I mean, a narrow and shade line is made up of fire. We're in Elma Utah who and fire is put out with water for either hobby but I have to confirm your tweet has been mad. So if one of you becomes angry, extinguish your rage with water, and then he continued his heart.

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So this is mechanism number two. In the thick of your outburst, dear brother, dear sister, go to the bathroom.

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and do it all and you will come out as a different individual Subhanallah

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number three, change your posture.

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If you are standing, sit down, if you are sat down, lie down, and this change in your physical demeanor will change your internal one as well.

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And that is why I will follow the Allah 100 So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said either how do you how do como who are called him? Village LIS if one of you is angry, whilst he is standing, he should sit down for in their head and who were 11 Yeah, but yeah, if your anger leaves you, then good and well. If it doesn't, then you want to lie down. Even if you don't like a madman, lying down in a place where people don't usually lie down, do it. It is better than saying something that you will then later you will later regret.

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That's point number what?

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Number Number Three point number four in managing the anger is to remember the harms that come with it. The harms that come about with unmanaged anger. There are short term and long term health associated risks with unmanaged anger.

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I mean, they speak about now in modern day research, on managed anger, bringing about headaches, migraines, abdominal pains, digestive issues, heart attacks, strokes, even skin related issues like eczema,

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insomnia, anxiety.

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And then on top of that, think about the harmful effects of unmanaged anger on your appearance during your fear of rage. If you were to look at yourself and I was to do the same

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into a mirror,

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you would despise yourself and you would say that person was was not me. That can't be me. I owe the biller. You see a person who's clenching his jaw, who has a insanely intense eye contact that he makes during anger and a pupil that's dilating. And then a face that is clenched, and the mouth that is perhaps frothing and erratic hand movements, and an organized words

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and a mouth that is thinning lips that are thinning a nose that is flowering and bleeding, brows are furrowing skin that has reddened, and shaved bond couldn't be happier during that moment, because during that moment of rage, we have become his puppet.

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So to remember, this is point number four, the harmful effects physically, spiritually, emotionally, physiologically, with unmanaged anger.

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It really is a killer.

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And then number five,

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to think about the virtues of anger management.

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And this is where our discourse as Muslims is different from the non Muslims, we see anger management as an act of a bladder.

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It's not just something to improve your likability and your social skills and your charisma.

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It's an act of worship. A Muslim Muslim who sees that there is an issue in their character whereby they're easily triggered, and some of the nations are more affected by it than others.

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They are to realize that by managing it, they're worshipping Allah, that Jihad that struggle you are glorifying your Lord by refining your character.

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So there is a virtue in doing so.

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Look at how the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam he said laser shedding will be surah.

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The strong one is not the one who was able to wrestle people down to the ground.

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In the machete do Lady Emily could have said Juan del hub. The strong one is able the strong one is the one who is able to restrain himself when he is angry.

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You know, when the whole Habib hype train was happening. Everybody was jumping onto the bandwagon of wrestling jujitsu ensemble. Everybody wanted to wrestle like Habib and rightly so I understand that I will not meet on kawaii the strong believer I don't want to have boil Allah He mean a lot minute life is better and nearer to Allah than the week believer with equally great and there is good in both. My issue is not this. My issue is not with a Muslim who wants to improve his physical prowess. My issue is a brother particularly who wants to become a wrestler, but it's constantly wrestled down internally by shape on so they are wrestling for example, since we just spoke about it. And if he is

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superior, he's happy if he's taken down to the ground and submitted he gets angry. He might start swearing, you're weak.

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Or you can bench How many kilos off your chest in the gym. But then when you fall out with your parents, you fall out with yourself

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thinks children, spouse, husband, wife, you're vile,

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you're very angry. This person is weak, regardless of what they can do in the gym.

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So when you are talking about wrestling, remember that the real strength ah, and that's not how society measures strength. I mean, you look at the front page of the Men's Health magazine, you will not see the image of a man or a woman who can control their anger, you will see something else. So if you're able to achieve the ideal of both, you're physically strong and you're also internally stronger. When it comes to anger, then this is the ideal individual, the ideal man.

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But if you have to choose one over the other, it is your ability to wrestle shaytaan when you are angry, and that is the meaning of strength.

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So that's a virtue to remember that helps us manage our anger. Remember what it means to be strong.

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Remember that the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, aka Bharani narrates this in his margin, he said, Men Katha Mahi run while we share and Yun bleah who Umbra who? There are hula who are mela Allahu Akbar who

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read on human piano.

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Whoever suppresses an anger

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whilst he is able to carry out the implications of his anger but doesn't Allah who will fill his heart or her heart with contentment on the Day of Judgment? Yes, sir. Allah will make you happy on your mobile piano and it's left open like that to allow your imagination to roam free. When people will be upset and others who will be afraid some will be anxious. The ones who restraint his anger Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Judgment. That's a virtue to work towards.

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And in another Hadith of similar wording,

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the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said men kava Maha Ulan Well, I will share and you and feed that who and feather who they are who Allahu Allahu Sinhala, Ethiopia, Marathi, Hatha Yoga Euro who mineral holding any martial arts panel.

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Whoever restraints his anger whilst he is able to act upon it. Allah will invite him on the day of judgment in front of all of creation, to choose any of the holy day that he may desire.

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I think it's worth it now brothers right now we're talking. It's like, Why didn't you say so?

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Look at these prizes. These are incentives, the virtues of remembering the virtues of anger management.

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How many of those

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five or six, five so we have one more left?

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The sixth one is to make dua to actively beg Allah Jalla Jalla to help you restrain your anger. And I share with you one of the most beautiful Hadith I really encourage you to try to memorize it although it's a little bit long.

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The hadith which Anessa generates on the authority of our mitochondria,

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the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam received his dua

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Allahumma behind me can leap Oh Allah I ask you by your knowledge of the Unseen

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what could erotica al Hulk and I asked you by your power over creation. Heaney mount Arlington Heights currently caused me to live as long as you know that life is good for me. What two or three either Olympian we're fatter currently, and cause me to die if you know that death is better for me

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was I look Allahumma has sciatica in Arabia shahada, and I asked you Oh ALLAH for your fear to fear you in the public and private setting. Was Kelly metal hacked if your radar will hold up, and I asked you to inspire me to speak the truth whether I am angry or whether I am calm. That's the part of the Hadith I want you to underline

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was a Luca Kennametal. Hochtief your Rebbe will have had to give me the word of truth when I'm angry or calm

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was passed off in factory will Rena and I asked you for moderation, whether I am rich, or whether I am poor.

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And then he said was a look and I'm a lion fat. And I asked you for a pleasure that never ends was a Nuka

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Cola tiny Latin copper. And I asked you for the coolness of the eye that never ceases, was a Luca Marbella, he battle mode and I asked you for the coolness of life after death. And then he would say he was a Luca let that another Isla logic and I asked you for the sweetness of looking at your face will show you the alcoholic and the yearning to meet you. If he hated the raw Madeira, Hawala fitna in Medina, a yearning to see you that's not because of a calamity or a deviating trial. Allah who was a union representative Eman Oh ALLAH beautify us with the beauty of Eman wa Jana Who dat and Mata deen and

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Make us guided and people who guide others.

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Beautiful Hadith La ilaha illa, Allah committed to memory, the idea of asking Allah to help you control your anger. Now we move on to phase three, phase number one, we said, train yourself to be that person who doesn't have to worry about phase two. To me that person who has an internal calm, and he is not easily triggered by petty matters.

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Then you move on to phase number two, which is to deal with your anger when it begins to rage. And I've shown you six steps. And now we go into phase three, which is

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when you failed in phase number two, and you became angry, and you did or said something that you would regret. In that situation, you don't give up phase number three is for you and I and that is make amends

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and offer an apology where it is needed.

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But then take a mental note of where you went wrong. And say to yourself, the last time I became angry was, say 24 hours ago, I'm not going to repeat this behavior within 72 hours.

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And then continued to work your way up until until this type of behavior leaves you.

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I will also say another thing brothers and sisters, before we move on to the other principle, and that is

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don't make any decision when you are angry.

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Especially for those who are married beware of making a decision when you are angry. And just two hours ago, I was speaking to a sister and a brother. We're trying to reconcile between them. She decided after three months worth of marriage that this is a time for a divorce, or you're angry. She has a family member of hers who was going through terminal illness. And this is undoubtedly compounding the issue. So don't make a decision when you're upset and angry. And that's why in our Sharia our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said La Jolla and the hiker Moon Venus and anyone who got banned

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that no judge should make a decision about two people who are disputing whilst he himself is angry.

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No judge can make a decision when he is angry. Why? Because the decision will be informed by your anger.

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And as our scholars have said that this is not just about anger, anything that may affect your judgment,

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then you want to wait until it goes. Whether that's anger, whether that's love, whether that's jealousy, whether that sleepiness, whether that's hunger for food, or drink, or any other appetite that we have as human beings, wait until it goes. And then you make your decision, whether for people or for yourself.

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And that is why we have sayings in English language that says what they say, paralyzed by fear.

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And they say blinded by love. And they say ill with stress. Meaning why these are effects. These are emotions that affect our judgment, our thought. So don't make

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commitments when you're happy.

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Don't give a big promise when your email is high. And don't make a decision when you are angry. Because what seems perfectly rational during your anger, will an hour later to be regret as you say to yourself, What the hell was I doing? That wasn't me.

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So don't make a decision when you are angry.

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Just to conclude this principle, brothers and sisters, really a word for the brothers Jani. One of the best ways to destroy your charisma, if that's what you want to do. And to ruin your leadership and authority in the home is constantly be an angry man.

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That's all you have to do. Constantly be an angry man who was triggered about everything. And you will lose every sense of respect from the eyes of your wife.

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And similarly, my dear sister, if you want to lose your attractiveness very quickly, from the eyes of your husband, constantly behave like an angry man.

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The same way, dear sister, you don't like a man who behaves like a woman who is constantly insecure, and afraid and crying and upset and emotionally all over the place doesn't appeal to you because you want a man Similarly, a man he wants to marry a woman not a man.

00:29:24--> 00:29:42

He wants to marry a woman. And so if his wife is constantly behaving like a man, there's perpetual rage and shouting and bad mouthing not to say that these are the qualities of a man or they shouldn't be the qualities of a man, but they're certainly not the qualities of a woman. And many men they say I feel like I'm married to a man.

00:29:45--> 00:29:52

So with Kathleen and I Subhanallah beautiful principle from the Quran for married men and women, those who suppress the anger.

00:29:54--> 00:29:56

Principle number 15

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is where Allah Jalla Jalla who said Voila,

00:30:00--> 00:30:01

fina and dinars

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and those who pardon people.

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This is a continuation of the principle before it is from the same idea.

00:30:11--> 00:30:41

Allah says, We're sorry, you're either not ferati mirabito, raised to the forgiveness of your Lord. Or Jeanette inaudible has similar to a lot of and raised to a pot, a garden paradise, which is as vast as the heavens and the earth, or at least 13. It is prepared for the pious, who are they? Olivia unicorn, fsri, evil Daraa. They are those who spend during times of prosperity and adversity, will carefully minimize and those who suppress the anger. That's the one we just covered.

00:30:42--> 00:30:43

Then what is the ISA?

00:30:45--> 00:30:54

What are Fina? I need nice and those who pardon others, Allah who have good mercy Nene and Allah loves the doers of God.

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I really believe brothers and sisters that

00:31:01--> 00:31:03

whilst it is possible to have

00:31:07--> 00:31:08


00:31:09--> 00:31:10

without reconciliation,

00:31:12--> 00:31:16

it's impossible to have reconciliation. Without forgiveness.

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It's possible to have forgiveness pardoning, but without reconciliation. So husband and wife, they will say, look, I forgive you for what you've done. Yes, you've heard me, You've disappointed me. You did it a lot.

00:31:32--> 00:31:45

It's time for us to take our separate ways. We can't reconcile. But you know what, I forgive you. Alas, I don't hold it against you. But we can't meet together anymore. So there there can be forgiveness, without reconciliation.

00:31:47--> 00:32:05

But it's very difficult to find true reconciliation without forgiveness. Now, if you want to make it work, you guys really want to be together, then that's predicated on being able to forgive and pardon we human beings are marred with deficiencies, head to toe

00:32:06--> 00:32:08

mired with them. That's us.

00:32:09--> 00:32:11

We disappoint people.

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We sometimes are disappointed by them, and we hurt people will sometimes be hurt. And that happens the most the closer, that happens more the closer the relationship becomes. And so what is the repair mechanism for all of this? What is the healing process? It is awful. It is to partners Allah says Well, our fina and the nurse those who pardon others. This is one of the greatest guarantors of the longevity of a marriage is your ability to say,

00:32:39--> 00:32:42

Allah forgive you, alas, I have forgiven you. Let's try again.

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And there is no flourishing and there is no future for a couple who are unable to do this, to let go as for those who are stuck in the settling the score mode and the tit for tat cycle, there is no future for them.

00:32:59--> 00:33:20

Allah said well, Athena will ask you not enough that and in order to incentivize us to do this, if you feel that your hurt was too great, your disappointment was too much. There are certain incentives Allah has offered for husbands for wives and for others to apply wherever possible. Of course, some issues may be classified by certain couples as unforgivable.

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But wherever possible, think about the incentives.

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Look at how Allah Jalla Jalla who speaks about Allah for pardoning others?

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He said, one hour in the law he hired what other ha? What is with Allah is better than this world, and more enduring for who? The levena amanu for the people of iman, why not be him yet our karoun and they rely upon the Lord. What else do we know about them? Well let the you know your god Buddha cada y'all if mu alpha Hush, and they are the ones who stay away from the major sins, and the obscenities were either malleable. Homeopathy rune and when they become angry,

00:34:05--> 00:34:05

they pardon.

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They forgive.

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ALLAH says I have something for them that is better than dunya and pharma in your hand.

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And Allah says in the same Surah while I'm on sobre, la Farah, for those who are patient and they forgive in the Delica let me know as male or more this is a resolve to aspire for Allah says that is a target to work to work towards, in early Columbian Iseman, or more those who forgive and are able to pardon and to be patient.

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And Allahu Allah, God Allah who said we're UNDAF who Acropolis Taqwa for you to forgive, to let go of some of your rights that is nearer to piety Subhanallah

00:34:50--> 00:34:59

and Allah gender your Daniel who has reserved his forgiveness for those who forgive. I asked you a question my brother, my sister. Oh you who is unable to let go of your betrayal.

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feelings, your resentment. And you simply don't want to turn the page and forgive. I asked you a simple question, is it not that there are certain sins that you have committed between you and Allah agenda? Generally? The answer for me and you is yes.

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Is it not that you want Allah to forgive those sins of yours? The answer is yes. So how can you desire something from Allah that you were unable to extend to others?

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You want Allah to forgive you? You beg him day in day out in every Salah era pardon me.

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Yet when it comes to people's crimes towards you, you don't want to pardon them.

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It doesn't make sense.

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And in the crimes that people did towards you and their feelings towards you, was a human to human failing, mortal to mortal failing, yet our feelings to Allah Who was a mortal to the immortal, the slave to the owner, the poor to the rich, the Mameluke, the owned and the king. So if he is willing to forgive, and that is what you expect from him, why not offer it to other human beings like yourself? And that is what Allah Jalla Jalla who said about the believer

00:36:15--> 00:36:18

and on top of that pyramid Ameerul Momineen Abu Bakr, Radi Allahu Allah.

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Abu Bakr had a fallout with one of his relatives, his name was Mr. haibun automata.

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And this was during the event of the slander. When people spoke about our mother I Isha in a very unbefitting way to say the least the accused her of a crime that she didn't commit.

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Most of the companions Alhamdulillah they spoke well, some of them unfortunately, they did not react in the ideal way and they said things that they shouldn't have. And one of them was Mr. A relative of Abu Bakr.

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So finally when the whole predicament ended, and Allah revealed verses from Surah to nor

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exonerating our mother Aisha and removing from her this false accusation

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aboubaker said Wallah I swear I will never spend a penny on Mr. Ever again and Mr. Who was under the expenditure of our bucket, he was financing him. He said, he said this about my daughter, I will never spend on him.

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So Allah subhanho wa Taala revealed a verse from Surah to surah. To know, he said, while I tell you all fugly meal, coma Sati I used to CORBA well Misaki in our mohajir arena, he said,

00:37:32--> 00:37:33

Allah said

00:37:34--> 00:38:04

that those people have virtue amongst you, meaning Abubakar and his likes. Those people have virtue amongst you who have money, they should not take an oath, they should not swear by Allah, that they will not spend upon their relatives and the orphans and the immigrants in the path of Allah. Then Allah said Well yah hoo, while your spouse who they should forgive and they should overlook Allah to have Bonilla and young fear Allahu Allah calm is it not that you want Allah to forgive you?

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So I will record here when he heard this if he knew that he was the one being addressed, he began to cry. And he said Bella Allah He in the one year fear Allah holy Yes. Oh Allah. Yes, yes. I love it that Allah should forgive me and then he said well hola hola and zero Hamid will abandon wala I swear I will never stop spending upon Mr.

00:38:28--> 00:38:47

I will never stop spending upon this. This is the logic we're speaking about. You want forgiveness from Allah, yet you're unable to offer it to others. Where is the logic in that? And that is why this idea that I just quoted to you Abdullah hidden Mubarak, he said Harvey he Arruda it Vicki tabula, this is the most optimistic idea in the whole Quran.

00:38:49--> 00:38:54

Offer people forgiveness that you qualify yourself for Allah's forgiveness now you know, in Allah.

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So we're talking here about the incentives to letting go of the bitterness you may be feeling and the resentment that is mounting to forgive look at what Allah is offering to give such a person.

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There is also an incentive for people to ask for forgiveness. So at the moment, we're speaking about the idea of forgiving yourself, that there is also an incentive to ask for people to forgive you if you have done wrong.

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And here I remember a wonderful Hadith Subhanallah which Khabib Najera, NSC bumalik live nobis and others have narrated

00:39:32--> 00:39:41

the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, or Kobudo convenience in confusion now Shall I not inform you of the women of Paradise? What are the qualities of women who enter Jannah

00:39:43--> 00:39:49

he said Kulu didn't allude every affectionate woman and child bearing woman.

00:39:51--> 00:39:51


00:39:53--> 00:39:59

lovely bells oh do ha Oh lovely back Oh si la ha when she becomes angry or her husband becomes angry.

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He or she is the subject of wrong. What does she do? How does she behave?

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She says to her husband Harvey he Eddie BIA de la Tahoe it will be humbling haha my hand I'm going to place it in your husband and I'm not going to go to sleep until you are pleased with me

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Subhan Allah He said this is the women of Jana brothers are thinking where do we find this type of woman right now good inshallah. Make dua.

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This is the virtue of also requesting someone to pardon you if you have done wrong.

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There are also stages to pardoning let's be realistic here, we're not all the same. Sometimes it's very difficult. So if you're unable to do stage number three, do stage number two if you're able to stage number two stick with stage number one, what are the stages

00:40:54--> 00:40:58

the first stage of pardoning is terracotta or Kuba to not punish.

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That's the basic level. That's assuming you are an authority who has the right to punish whether it physically or morally, particularly cool but you don't punish.

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So someone has done you harm. The least you can do if you want to pardon that is and you want all of these treasures I just shared with you from the Quran and from the Sunnah is to not punish. Of course, there are caveats here. Sometimes there are certain things that should not be forgiven if it's something that is affecting the masses or something that is obscene, but genuinely speaking, to leave punishment.

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And then you have the level that is a little bit higher than that.

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Which is total coup at the three be what technique, total coup at the three what type need to not blame the person anymore, whom you have pardoned.

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You're not constantly reminding them that they did such and such once upon a time and I forgave you.

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That's not the ideal pardoning, it's better than the first because you haven't punished. But this one is a little bit higher. It's closer to excellence. Some people they're willing to not punish you for your crime for your misdeed.

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But they will constantly throw it in your face. They will say to you, you don't remember when you did that, who are you to talk, and I should have held you accountable back then. But I let it let it go. And they keep doing that.

00:42:23--> 00:42:40

And that's why Allah says when he when he has to hope that you should forgive and pardon. There's a difference between the two. Yeah, if you ask people, when you pop, when you forgive, you're not punishing. That's level number one. And then the IRS said, Well, yes. And they should pardon meaning you no longer hold it against them.

00:42:41--> 00:42:45

Now you third rib law, you unlimited law, your aim. Now you're back here.

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And then you have phase number three. This is a difficult one, May Allah help us. phase number three, this is the ideal level of pardoning if you can do it, congratulations. For me, it's still a big work in progress, which is a lesson

00:43:01--> 00:43:04

to do good to the one who has done harm to us.

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And you're not going to punish them. We're going to remind you of it either. And I'm going to find a way to honor you as well. I G

00:43:17--> 00:43:27

and that's why what is the ISA that we are studying now it mentions all three levels will currently mean Allah youth those who restrain their anger. That's stage number one, they don't punish

00:43:28--> 00:43:36

the ISS while I fina and a nurse and they forgive people that stage number two, they're not going to remind you of it. How does the eye finish?

00:43:38--> 00:43:50

Well, La Jolla Cabo and my singing and Allah loves the doers of good meaning you do good to the one who has harmed you span Allah, these are levels of excellence and we aspire towards them even though we may fall short.

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We conclude brothers and sisters, this session inshallah by speaking about some of the barriers to gardening, some of the hurdles and the curveballs that shaytan will throw in our way, when you're made your intention to pardon colors, it's time to turn a new page. We're going to make this work with my wife with my husband. We're gonna try and forgive and forget as much as possible in shape and instantly he will make his presence known. And he will try to limit this. And here you will have a fierce internal conversation between yourself and shaytaan. As he says to you, there is no need to pardon. Let me share you share with you some of that conversation. And I give you some equipment in

00:44:35--> 00:44:38

Sharla and weaponry to deal with this debate when it happens.

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So she will for example, say to you

00:44:44--> 00:44:46

No, no, no, no, you shouldn't pardon and forgive.

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You don't want to keep all of that poison inside of you and get ill should talk about it. Every time you're upset, make your voice heard. And don't forgive until you've spoken

00:45:00--> 00:45:14

I understand there is a space for making your voice heard not constantly keeping everything in. But there's also a space and this is what secular studies do not tell us. There is also a space for you to keep it inside of you as much as possible.

00:45:15--> 00:45:35

And that is why in the Hadith, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, Ma'am, in July 18, I had the Illa him in Georgia it violin yaki Lemo ha I be doing there isn't anything that can be swallowed, that is dear to Allah then rage that is swallowed and kept inside.

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And then the Hadith says, well, ma cover Maha Abdul nila, he killed another young fella who emailed and and when a person swallows his rage for the sake of Allah, Allah will fill his insight with iman.

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So she will say to you, you've got to let it out. Otherwise, you will be filled with poison and anger. And the prophets Eliza limousines, you know, you will be filled with a man. There is a space to talk about it every now and then. Pick your battles, but there is also a space of self a space for self restraint, keeping it inside.

00:46:14--> 00:46:16

So that's part of the conversation and that's how you respond

00:46:18--> 00:46:41

then shaytan will say to you yeah, why? Why should you bother in any way? Don't make a big deal. Hamdulillah you pray you fast you go halacha you will Quran you give sadaqa you think you're gonna go to hell if you don't pardon your husband or your wife. Forget about it doesn't matter. We're not going to ask for forgiveness, and we don't want them to forgive us either. How do you respond to this devilish suggestion?

00:46:42--> 00:46:45

With the Hadith? Horrible.

00:46:47--> 00:47:06

Frequently Nene we're homies that people's deeds Bukhari and Muslim you hadith of Abu Hora era people's deeds are presented to Allah every Monday and Thursday. For young Pharaoh Allah Who equally marry in LA you should equip Allah and Allah forgives every Muslim who does not associate partners with Allah every Monday and Thursday Masha Allah Wait, there is an exception

00:47:07--> 00:47:14

in la Mora and cannot be now one webinar a key Shana with the exception to two individuals who fallen out

00:47:15--> 00:47:23

you call it Rock who has any hotter you're sorry ha and it said Leave those two. Don't forgive their sins till they make up.

00:47:24--> 00:47:31

Now you know, when you hear this hadith, you think that's just you and your friend? What about you and your spouse who is your best friend?

00:47:32--> 00:47:43

So this satanic whispering or suggestion that you've got so many deeds, you're okay, you're okay. No, we're not okay? Because the forgiveness of Allah is withheld, suspended every Monday and Thursday till we make up.

00:47:46--> 00:47:58

Then Satan will say look fine, all right. You got me there. But give it time. Give it time, call us. We will amend the relationship we will forgive or not now give it a year.

00:48:01--> 00:48:06

dealt with the case today and they haven't been talking for about two years and a half husband and wife. No cut down for two years I have.

00:48:07--> 00:48:09

The hadith says the hadith of

00:48:10--> 00:48:19

Abu qirush 100 100. In Sudan, Abuja would he said Manohar Jara Aha, who sent them for homeworkers FTW

00:48:21--> 00:48:25

whoever boycotts his brother for a year, it's as if he has killed him.

00:48:27--> 00:49:01

Whoever boycotts his brother for a year, it's as if he shed his blood. It's huge. How can Shavon say this? They say Tom will say fine, yeah, have you been over a year? Give it give it a week. Give him another Hadith. Ly a Hindu Lemare in and yeah, do Rahu focus Allah it is not permissible for a person to boycott his brother for over three days. For no no ha Ha hoo focus Allah in film, Nana da da Lana. And so whoever boycotts his brother over three days and dies will enter the Theia

00:49:03--> 00:49:04

the Ilaha illa Allah

00:49:06--> 00:49:12

then she thought will say fine, fine cannot wait for him to initiate the apology.

00:49:14--> 00:49:15

Waiting for him.

00:49:16--> 00:49:22

Hadith says why you Rahim Allah, the Adobe salaam, the best of the two who fallen out is the one who initiates the salam.

00:49:23--> 00:49:28

Don't be the weaker party be the better party, you'll initiate the Suriname

00:49:29--> 00:49:38

then shaitan will say right even if I was to accept the apology, you are to accept the apology. That's going to bring your status down a notch.

00:49:39--> 00:49:40

You're going to become like a doormat.

00:49:41--> 00:49:49

Like you're an easy target. We can do it again and again. You will be seen as you gotta put your foot down and say I don't accept your forgiveness.

00:49:50--> 00:49:52

And there is a Hadith here as well.

00:49:53--> 00:50:00

But this one is even more emphatic. Where the Prophet alayhi salatu salam takes an oath by the name of Allah and he

00:50:00--> 00:50:07

He said Fairphone oximeter only when there are three matters that I swear by Allah must happen. What are they?

00:50:08--> 00:50:14

No knuckles on. I don't mean sadaqa money that is given in charity does not decrease. That's number one. He said I swear.

00:50:15--> 00:50:23

Number two, when I said Allah who I've done behalf when Allah Azar when a person pardons Allah increases them in his dignity

00:50:25--> 00:50:35

while mental Allah Alinda he Rafa hula and whoever humbles himself for the sake of Allah, Allah will elevate him. Do you believe the Prophet alayhi salatu salam Subhan, Allah Allah.

00:50:37--> 00:50:56

So close all of the gateways for shaytaan overcome these hurdles, and I ask you a question my brother, my sister, a person who hears all of these Hadith and all of these threats and all of these opportunities, yet still insists that I will not ask for forgiveness, or I will not give for forgiveness. What is this person but a person whose heart has died

00:50:57--> 00:51:00

and has no real interest in the home of the Hereafter?

00:51:03--> 00:51:05

Brothers and sisters, this is the

00:51:06--> 00:51:07

end of the session

00:51:09--> 00:51:11

and learn how to forgive others.

00:51:12--> 00:51:16

And you will realize that you will be like a prisoner who was set free.

00:51:18--> 00:51:32

The moment you forgiven you pardon and you learn how to overcome the resentment and try again, provided of course, that your forgiveness is true. And provided that the one who did wrong is not repeated again and again. The relationship can become stronger than it was before the fallout.

00:51:34--> 00:51:36

But with these two conditions,

00:51:37--> 00:51:47

and you will realize that when you overcome this inner battle, and you pardon and forgive, something will be released inside of you and you discover that there was a prisoner all along and that prisoner was yourself.

00:51:48--> 00:51:58

Allow your relationship to flourish again their brother, their sister, give your spouse a chance the same way you want Allah Allah Allah, Allah Allah who to give you a second and third and 10th chance as long as you live.

00:52:00--> 00:52:02

So that's the end of our session. Inshallah. Any

00:52:03--> 00:52:06

questions or contributions additions, I'd love to hear from you.