Before You Say I Do – EP14 – PT 2

be seen as man and wife, fulfilling Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim. Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

And thank you for joining us. Again, we are talking about the kind of people that we need to avoid, and we're almost done with them. And lastly, we're talking about the angry man. And now we're talking about the pessimists. And we said that the pessimist his best job is being the quality control manager because all they can see is deficiencies and faults and defects. How does this affect the marriage? No matter what you do, these people are always looking for false. And that is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said leofric, mina 10 is Akari hamina hola Kenobi. I mean, her her, that unbelieving man, never detest completely unbelieving women, if he is displeased,

whenever it was one of her traits, what happens? He sees many other traits that would bring pleasure into his heart. One thing that we do in counseling is that when people come together, and you know, couples, especially, and they start talking about he is like this, and she's like that. I asked what we call a sudden question, and I say, What do you appreciate most about your wife? And usually, that question cuts people by surprise. So they say, What do I appreciate about my wife? About my wife? What do I appreciate? appreciate a PP or E, what do I appreciate? And it takes them forever?

To answer this question, and I remember, I remember so well, this man is sitting and I said, What do you appreciate about your wife, and he sat for a while, and he said, she cleans the house.

She works hard.

And then he said, She's beautiful.

And I remember that poor woman, she started crying so hard, he started crying so hard. He was struggling to say anything nice. And nothing was coming out of him. Nothing was coming out of him. What do you appreciate? And it just took him forever? To answer that question. All said, you know, she works hard, she cooks nice. And then he remembered that he said, Oh, she's beautiful, too.

And what happens sometimes is that sometimes we are so involved in only looking into the faults of our partners, that we fail to see the goodness in them. And remember, it was the goodness that we saw that motivated us to marry them the first time. But somehow, we became so blinded about it to the point that we no longer appreciate their goodness. And what's interesting is that we are so easily able to identify the goodness of other people. And it may be that we have met them just for a few minutes, and we are able to name so many good things about them. Yet the people that we have been living with for such a long time, we are not able to say anything nice about them. And people

make jokes about this, you know, especially when you see somebody else's wife or somebody else's husband, what do they say? They say marriage is like going to a restaurant.

And then when you see what everybody else has ordered you saying, I wish I had that, you know, what the other people were having. And that's terrible. That is terrible. When we feel this way about our marriage, you know, you look into me, I wish I had this person or I wish I had that is just terrible people. And that is not acceptable. So part of being an optimist is your ability to see the goodness that you have got in your own family. So keep this in mind. And that is why in the verse where Allah subhanaw taala taught us to say robina hablan I mean, as Raj in our reality, now karate, or Allah grant us from our spouses and from our offsprings what that or those who are comfort to our eye, but

you must see them as such, so that they become a comfort to your eye. Sometimes we are so busy looking at the faults of everybody else, that we fail to see the goodness that is in them. If you are married, I urge you to do the following. Think about all the good qualities that you know of your husband or your wife, what would you come up with all the good qualities that you know of your husband, or your wife and just think about it? Every now and then it's a good idea to remind ourselves of how good are the people who are around us, which Allah last time we did not have enough time for questions and answers. So to wrap up, these are the people that we ought to avoid insha

Allah let's see if we can ask questions regarding these 10 people that we spoke about

interesting question, then we left communications in between strangers, which is difficult part of the communication sort of level of communication

is from from the previous previous, when we said that, let's just do them well

They quickly, we said that we're talking about the eight levels as far as depth in communication is concerned. And we said that first one was cliche questions. second one was exchanging information or exchanging facts. And the third one was exchanging thoughts and ideas. And the fourth one was what? exchanging feelings and that's where we stop. And then what happens when we exchange feelings? Well, we initially what feel for the person, right, we feel for the person. And then a deeper level would be what

you feel for the person and then you feel

with the person, and sad, like we said, the other day, most people go to bed, and they have only gone to the second level of communication. And that is really sad. Rarely do we talk about feelings. And usually what happens when people speak about feelings, the other person gets very defensive, and they get very angry, you made me mad today? Well, it's all your fault, you did this and you did that. And it ends up being a source of fight instead of an opportunity for people to grow in their communication together, I'd like to take attention to the last two points that you mentioned, an angry person or a pessimistic person, don't you think sometimes it's good that we are angrier, so

that we can correct that person. And same goes with a pessimistic person, when we are pessimistic about something, maybe sometimes we are actually pointing out the flaws that person should correct. So that you know the living becomes better, okay? Anger is not necessarily bad all the time. But when you are constantly angry all the time, then that is terrible. Anger is a sign that our conscious is alive. You see oppression, I hope that we all get angry, you see somebody being exploited, I hope that we all get angry, we see wrong taking place, I hope that we all get angry, that is the kind of anger that is healthy. However, there is an anger where people cannot tolerate

any sort of irritant or inconvenience. They are immediately angry about, for example,

traffic, okay, you can be angry about traffic. But hey, if you are stuck in traffic, how will your anger you know, help in relieving the traffic? How will it do it? Nothing. People get angry over little things, your kids drops the cup, your kids spills, the juice or the milk. And we will get angry over these things. So it is their ability or their ability to control themselves when they are about to burst in anger. And that is why in the Hadith the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, whom do you consider to be the strongest amongst you? They said it is he who is able to wrestle people down. And what does the process lm say? He said no, a person is not strong because they are

able to wrestle other people down. rather a person is a strong because they are able to control themselves when they are angry. This is the type of anger that we're talking about. When a person is neither justified. And that even their reaction is not appropriate. they yell, they break they become verbally abusive, they become physically abusive is you are and when you are around these kinds of people, they take away your freedom. You're constantly confined and afraid of what am I going to say that would offend them? What am I going to say that will take them off? How am I going to provoke them at this time, and that of course, it just creates a very unhealthy situation. And

the Hadith the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that the worst kind of people are those, when they step into the house, their children stopped playing, their servers run away and their household is depressed, yet when they leave, everybody in the family is happy. Some people do create that tension, they create that environment in the house. This is the type of anger that we are talking about. As far as the pessimist is concerned, this is the person who is unable to see goodness, all the time. They do not see goodness, they are constantly concentrating on that which is wrong. I once told the story and maybe some of you might remember it about the group of sociologists

that wanted to do a study, the pessimist and the optimist, and they got a boy and a girl, a boy to represent the pessimist and a girl to represent the optimist. And they said that the boy both of them were fourth graders.

And this boy, no matter how good things were, he had the ability to always point out that which is wrong. And the girl no matter how bad things were, she always had the opportunity and the ability to point out good things about it. So they decided to see if they can change them. So they had this boy placed in a big room and they gave him all sorts of games, fire trucks, video games, basketball, soccer, volleyball.

All sorts of games, hundreds of them. And they said here, you have an hour enjoy yourself with all these games in an hour. And they took the girl and they put her in a room full of horse manure up to her neck. And they said, girl, have fun for an hour. They come back in an hour. And they see the young boys sitting in the same place where they left them. And he's all depressed and angry. So they came to him and they said, What's wrong? He said, Look around you. You see all these toys? Who has time to play with all these toys.

And the airhead. decided that because he could not play with all of them. What does he decide to do to play with none of them? They go to the girl. And she is in the horse manure and she is a swimming going in and out of the horse manure. So people said, What is going on? She said, Are you kidding me? With all this evidence? There's got to be a point somewhere around here.

So it has to do with how do we react to that which is happening around us? What do we see? What do we choose to see? When you are around a pessimist? They take the fun of all the good things that are taking place. When you aren't around an angry person. They create such a tense environment that it is not fun to be around wisdom. And with this we come to the conclusion of this part of our program. Very grateful that you have joined us and please remember that we welcome your comments. We welcome your questions your critics, and you can send them to us at faza at peace tv.org until we meet next time we say so long. Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.