Marriage End Or Means

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Yasmin Mogahed

Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

Episode Notes

Marriage: End or Means
By: Yasmin Mogahed

Serenity Podcast:
The wedding day is always given so much emphasis, but in today’s Serenity Yasmin reminds us that getting to the wedding day is just the beginning. Amidst the chaos, Yasmin says we must not forget the importance of the marriage itself.

Presented on October 26, 2011

Episode Transcript

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Assalamu alaikum this is just me Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. So the topic for today is a very hot topic. It's a topic that's on a lot of people's minds, whether they are, you know, in this or just outside of this. And that big, big topic is the word marriage. The the idea that I want to talk about today with regards to marriage is what is the purpose of marriage? And why is it that I think we fall into a lot of sort of traps along the way, whether we are seeking to get married, or we are already married. And I think that basically, the the problem can be summed up in this way. And that is that

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I think that what we have done as a community is we have an end maybe, you know, on a larger scale, not just our community, but what we have taken marriage. And we have seen it as the end itself as the goal itself, instead of just a means. And this sounds very conceptual, but it really is it when you sit and I'll talk about why I say that's the case. And then when I talk about when we really break it down, and we look at the effect of making marriage an end rather than a means it's extremely profound, it has a very profound effect. And I think it explains a lot of the phenomenon that we find, sort of revolving around marriage right now. And, and so like, let me sort of back up

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and look at the way in which marriage or relationships have been sort of depicted in, in the media or in in the stories that we have grown up listening to and watching on television and in novels, I think that the message across the board starting as far back as Disney is that, you know, there is a story and or there's

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a woman, usually a damsel in distress, there's a woman or there's a man, basically, there's someone who is incomplete in some way, they're in distress, they are, there's some deficiency in this person, or there's something wrong with them or something wrong or missing in their life. And as a result, you know, they're kind of going through their life searching, you know, and it's obvious, they're searching what they're searching for, they're searching for their other half, they're searching for their soulmate. And what they're really searching for is someone to save them for someone to complete them for someone to make them, okay. And the idea here is that the entire

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struggle, the entire path, is just about finding that other person about reaching that sort of completion in another person. And then what happens is the, the story, you know, there's ups and downs, and you know, it goes, you know, there's lots of, you know, the plot goes up and down. And eventually, the person meets their other half slash soulmate, slash, husband, slash wife. And now the story is over. Now, that's the end of the story, the end of the book, the end of the fairy tale, the end of the movie, that's where it ends. Well, the message here, and these are the this is basically the message that we grow up with, we internalize this message, and that is that getting to

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that point where you meet that other person, you know, you're whether you know, in marriage, or just, you know, even even, you know, as a soulmate, type type type mentality, that that is the end, that's the goal. This is where I want to end up this is kind of, it becomes my focus, it becomes where I'm hoping to, basically the end of the road. Why is that so dangerous? Well, the reason why that's so dangerous is because marriage is not the end marriage is not the goal, and there is no end and if you think in this way that that basically you are incomplete or deficient until you meet that other person or until you get married, then you are actually, you know, first of all, you will once

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you get to that point, what will happen is you will reach a level of disillusionment or disappointment. And the reason that happens is because nothing can complete us except for Allah subhanaw taala. And nothing can sort of save us in that sense if there's something that's a deficient in me, it's deficient in me because I, you know, it's because I need to seek that fulfillment in my relationship with Allah subhana wa Tada. So then the question is, will where does marriage fit in? Where does that

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Other you know that that relationship fit in. And this is where we talk about the means we talk about the the, the vehicle, the tool to bring us to our end. So if our end is Allah subhanaw taala, if our end is being in Jenna with Allah subhanaw, taala, then everything else in my life should be a means to take me to that end, everything else should be facilitate facilitating that journey. And if something is not facilitating that journey, then I should look for a means or a tool that will

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now how does that again apply in this case of marriage? Well, what are some of the pitfalls basically, I would call them that that happen as a result of making marriage. And and instead of just two means, well, first of all, you fall you you get this situation that that many of the unmarried people fall into. And that is, people will treat you so long as you're not married, or you haven't suppose you know, you're in your 20s. And you just, you haven't found, you know, the right person and you haven't haven't gotten married. people treat you as if you're not a complete person yet, as if you haven't, you haven't yet fulfilled your purpose of creation. And this is this is this

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is why the whole idea of people, you know, the, some people were telling me that, you know, they're not, you know, they're not married yet. And maybe they're 25. And you know, when a girl gets to be 25, and she's not married yet, you know, it's like the end of the world. And it's as if she has cancer or something. And, and, and the idea here is that it's because you have made it says, If I'm going through my life, and everything is preparing me for this end, and that's a very, very wrong way to see marriage. Marriage is just another means that Allah Spano Tata has commanded for us to get to Allah subhanaw taala, Allah is the means Allah is the end, not not marriage itself. And so

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what does that mean, then. So if I'm in a marriage, and this gets to, you know, some of the other I think, pitfalls as a result of making marriage, the end itself. And the other one is that I think when we take marriage itself as the end, and rather than it being something to take me to Allah subhanaw taala, I think we tend to not choose our partners for the right reasons, though, if if my goal is just I want to be married, or I want to be in that relationship, for the sake of that relationship, or for the sake of my neffs, I'm going to choose my partner very differently than I would if I'm looking for someone who's going to help me reach Allah subhanaw taala. And what I mean

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by that this is when you see things like, the, for example, the sisters that are getting, that are having trouble getting married, are the ones who are a little bit older, perhaps even more educated, they're the ones who maybe not as young and, you know, attractive. So what's happening is the people are choosing their partners that you know, a lot of times for, just for, you know, super sort of, like superficial reasons. So it's, it's the, it's the looks, it's the fact that they're young, it's the fact that maybe they're, they're not as threatened by someone who doesn't have as much of an you know, higher education. So the idea here is, maybe we are seeking marriage, not for the sake of

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bringing me closer to Allah subhanaw taala but maybe we're seeking it for the sake of my naps for the sake of you know, you know, I I like this and so and so what happens as a result is then some of the really really amazing sisters who you know, they have the beautiful character and beautiful hearts and beautiful Dean, those are those sisters are being overlooked for other reasons because they might be older or sometimes even you know, they might have been previously married. So, these are the types of things which can be overlooked, because marriage itself again is not being seen as this means to bring me closer to Allah subhanaw taala necessarily, but rather an end in and of

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itself. Now inshallah, what I'm going to do and I want to hear from you guys, so inshallah you know, write your questions your thoughts in the in the chat in the chat box. I'm going to take a short break and when we return, we'll continue talking about marriage and end or amines.

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Salam Alaikum This is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are speaking today about the topic of marriage. What is the purpose of marriage is marriage and and, or is it a means, among other means to get to our final goal, which is Allah subhanaw taala. And I'm speaking today about how I think that we as a community have made marriage into the goal itself, the end itself, and even the, the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that a lot of people use, in order to sort of support this position. The head effect says that marriage, you know, the head effect speaks about marriage is half of your deen. And I think

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that this Hadeeth is actually so so perfect to explain precisely how marriage is actually a means. If you think about your deen and you think about the the type of attributes as a Muslim that we should have, and the type of character traits that we should have, as believers, there's basically no better way to build those traits than in the institution of marriage. And the reason is that we can talk about my generosity, we can read about sobota and patience, and we can, you know, hear lots of lectures about putting other people's needs before our own, and, you know, being selfless and all these things, but these are all concepts that we never really can build in ourselves unless these

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are tested unless they are, unless we're trained. And marriage is really a time when all of these and so many of these qualities have to be trained and have to be built. In order to make it work. You have to learn patience, you know, you have to learn generosity, you have to, you have to actually experientially learn these things. And so when you talk about marriage being half of Deen definitely marriage can build half your deen you know if you if you go about it in the right way. And so again, marriage being a means to Allah subhanaw taala and even when you look at the A, the A A that's, you know, put on every single marriage invitation except like to me is the one where Allah

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subhanaw taala says women Aya T and Haleakala Coleman and foster home, as well Jen litter schooner, Alayhi, wa Jalla beynac Oh my word that Anwar Rama that you know, from among the signs of Allah subhanaw taala is that he created for you spouses from among yourselves. And he put between you, you know, he trained so that you can live together and tranquility. And he put between you mawatha and Rama, love and mercy. Now, if you look at this, this area, it's really interesting because we we focus a lot on the concept of that love and mercy between the hearts and that tranquility. And that's a beautiful thing. But notice how Allah subhanaw taala begins this area, he says what mean at

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that it's from his science. So what is a sign what's the purpose of a sign, when you see a sign, you're not supposed to get lost in the sign, the sign is pointing you to something else, the sign is pointing you to where you're supposed to be looking at where you're supposed to be going and where you're supposed to be focused on. In this case, even that love itself even that mercy itself, even that bond itself, isn't just for its own sake, but rather even that is a sign and a pointer to Allah subhanaw taala and to the mercy and love of Allah subhanaw taala and the power of Allah subhanaw taala and the oneness and the tilt of Allah subhanaw taala. So that that even that even that, you

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know, sort of concept that we get lost and right, that romantic ideal, that romantic love that we get lost it and we make the goal of our existence in some cases, you know, like the the goal itself, the end itself, even that is a pointer to the actual goal, even that is a pointer to the actual end, which is Allah subhanaw taala Well, I mean, at that he created all of this, you know, the same way Allah subhanaw taala talks about his other signs in the universe, Allah subhanaw taala says that in the hope is somehow it will already walk to death in lelee, when a hearty laugh at Leoville Al Bab, that indeed in the in the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the alteration of night and day

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are Signs for those who have who reflect those who have you know who who reflect in that way that that look at these signs, and they see something they see a loss panel data behind it. And in the same way that the the sky and the moon and the stars and the alteration of heaven of night and day is assigned to Allah subhanaw taala his greatness even this love between a husband and a wife is a sign

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And a pointer to Allah His greatness. So you see the different perspective here, that it's not a pointer to, you know, to the neffs. It's not just for the sake of, of those, you know, that is just for the sake of itself, you know, one can, can sit and they can appreciate the sunset, they can appreciate the sunset, but if you appreciate the sunset, and you realize how beautiful it is, without realizing the one who made that sunset without realizing the point of the sunset, then you've completely missed it. You know, it's like, the idea here is that there is a message, there is a message in this, in this sign of a loss of Hannah with Ida in whatever beauty there is that Allah

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has created. It's a sign of him as diligent. Now, I want to, you know, just sort of go back to the chat box, there's a lot kind of going on.

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And one of the themes that that that I hear a lot and that people are talking about, is that I guess parents make it really difficult to get married. And it's and so marriage has sort of become very complicated. And as a result, it becomes, you know, quote, easier to date than it is to get married. And this is a serious problem. And it's something that I mean, I don't know how many parents are listening to this show. But it's, it's definitely something that the that the prophets I send them has, has told us not to do, right, we're not supposed to make marriage complicated. We're not supposed to ask for these huge, elaborate weddings and Mahara and we're supposed to, you know, make,

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we're supposed to make the Hillel easy and the Haram difficult, and not the other way around. Unfortunately, sometimes we make the Haram very easy, and we make the halal very difficult. And that's a problem. Definitely. One thing with regards to the wedding itself, a lot of times, we as I guess it, it happens a lot with us girls, especially. But in general, there's so much focus on the wedding itself. And it's kind of interesting, because once the wedding is over, you think about it, and it doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what what color you are, it doesn't matter what kind of flowers you had, it's not going to matter, you know, what, what type of

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dessert you served, all of these things are not going to matter. And yet we become so focused on these things. And it just it goes back to that same problem that we have of mixing up what is actually our goal, you know, what is the means and what is the end, I mean, the wedding itself, it's just a means to get married. But yet, we make it the end, you know, like we sit and we plan and we fight and we and we get very, very upset. And you know, anybody who's who's engaged, knows, like the amount of drama.

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The amount of drama that comes, you know, as a result of just planning this, it really, ultimately insignificant few hours of our life. And it's just Subhanallah This is just the human condition, we're just, we lose focus so easily. And you know, it's just something to keep in mind that, you know, at the end of the day, this is just a few hours and what really is going to matter is the marriage itself and beyond that what's really going to matter is is this marriage bringing me closer to Allah subhanaw taala or is it taking me farther from Allah subhana wa tada and, and again, that that sort of gets me into another topic which has to do with the idea of separation ever being

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something that is better for one's Deen. And, you know, the idea here is that, you know, people again, when you see marriage as the the end itself, then as a result of that you would always see any, any type of separation as necessarily bad. But if if marriage is a mean, so if if marriage is supposed to be like everything else in my life, a means to get closer to Allah subhanaw taala. And if there's a situation, for example, an abusive situation and abusive marriage, now, this, this means this was supposed to be a means to bring me closer to Allah subhanaw taala. But this means is not doing its job. It's a tool that is not doing its job and in fact, it's harming me and it's

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harming my path to Allah subhanaw taala because of the abuse, and you know, when when you are in an abusive relationship, it is not. Allah subhanaw taala says that he does not approve of, of injustice of oppression. And so it is not more holy, to allow yourself to be abused and say that I'm being patient, but rather Allah subhanaw taala does not approve of oppression and neither should we

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Proof of oppression on our own selves or on those around us. And so it isn't closer you don't get closer to Allah subhanaw taala by enabling an oppressor and allowing yourself to be oppressed. So that's something also that we have to keep in mind that, you know, when something is taking you away from Allah subhanho wa Taala, then it's no longer Good for you. And we have to understand that there are times when something, you know, When, when, when, when it's, it's not, it's no longer Good for you, and you need to make a change. And we ask Allah subhanaw taala always to guide us, to what is best for us and what is best for our dunya and our Aqua. But it you know, something that we have to

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keep in mind is this, that, that marriage itself is not the end itself, but rather, it should be something that is bringing us near to Allah subhanaw taala you know, if it just on the topic really quickly of abuse itself. When when someone is being abused, the thing that happens is that something that should be exclusively for Allah subhanaw taala gets transferred to another person, and that is fear, we know that we should love and fear Allah subhanaw taala most, and that no one else should compete with that love and that fear. But when I fear someone else so much that it actually consumes me, instead of me fearing Allah subhanaw taala I'm fearing another person and that is hindering my

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relationship with Allah subhanaw taala that is hindering my data, my worship of Allah subhanaw taala because now my ultimate fear what consumes me what what takes over my mind is a fear of another person and that is not good for my relationship with Allah subhanaw taala even on that level.

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inshallah, let me go ahead and take a look at the chat box.

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Have your you know, bring your questions and your comments inshallah we'll take a very short break. And when we return, we'll we'll talk about your questions and your reflections

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Assalamu alaikum This is Yasmin metalhead and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. So we have some discussion going on in the chat box. mostly about kicking out good good men. Basically, the chat box is open to both men and women just want to make that clear. And

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one of the I just have to read this comment because it's pretty funny. Good man. Where did a good man good man says Fine, I will leave now you know where all the good men are driven away by women driven far far away. We don't want to we don't want to drive out any good men shala we want to have more good men. May there be more good men like good men person on here.

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One thing I wanted to talk about

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quickly here is the concept of you know the idea of how do we choose a partner and the whole decision making that happens beforehand then there's a lot of confusion about it staccato what's a staccato what's the you know, how do you understand your How do you get an answer for your staccato so I just want to talk about a staccato a little bit is to kata is the prayer that the prophets I send them teaches us to do in times of decision and we can make this we can do this for for really I mean anytime we're going to we're going to do something take a take a decision I mean there's no real limit limit on it because essentially it's a de la to Allah subhanaw taala so the sun night is

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to pray to cause with the intention of a staccato and then read the DA of his staccato and if you look at the, the DA of his staccato it is you know because a lot of people wonder how do I understand the answer to my istikhara and people I think also put a lot of different route like limits on as to what oh, you can only pray a certain number of times or you can only do it at a certain time of the day is to kata is you asking Allah subhanaw taala for guidance. So it's something that I mean we can ask Allah Subhana Allah at any time. And, and the idea of estacada if you look at the meaning of the DA you're as you begin the day by acknowledging that Allah subhanaw

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taala knows and we don't know and Allah subhanaw taala is able and we are not able, so we acknowledge from the beginning that we are blind to what is best for us and what is not best for us. We are blind to what is in the future. We don't have that knowledge we don't have that ability. It is only Allah subhanaw taala who has

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Has it and so what we do is we say that we acknowledge that and then we ask Allah subhanaw taala from his favor to guide us and we say, you know, so we're asking him and we'll and then after that we say alone in Quinta Dalam and the handle on that a lot if in your knowledge this matter and we insert the matter whatever it happens to be hired only fee Dini well my shoe activity Emery is good for me in my Deen and in my dunya. So in both this life and the neck, then we say So then after that, if it is good, if it is fair, faculdade holy, why a sitter holy stone maberry cliffie. So then in you know, Destiny it for me, and make it

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and make it easy for me and give me blessing in it, bless it for me. And then on the other hand, we say when Quinta Tulum and the handle arm insert the the issue with self shutter on the fee, Dini omashu activity on money is not good for me as a bad for me in my Deen. And in my dunya dunya matters for serif who I need was serif neon who want to doodle Hi, hi. So can for mardini be perfect, right? You say so if it's not good for me in this life in the next life, right in this in my matters in the dnn in dunya. So take it away from me, and take me away from it. And then bring me what is good for me and make me pleased with it. So you're, it's absolutely perfect. You're asking a

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loss of Haida to do what's best if it's good for you, to make it happen to make it easy. And this is important. And I'm going to emphasize this to make it easy to bless it. And then if it's not good for you to take it away from you, to take you away from it, and then to give you and replace it with what is good for you, and make you pleased with it. So now when we're looking for an answer for istikhara, what's the answer? Is it going to come in the form of a dream, you know, a light in the sky? Whatever it is, the answer to the istikhara? is in what ends up happening? Because you're asking ALLAH, what did you just ask him for you asked him, if it's good for me, then make it happen

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and make it easy and make it blessed. And if it's not good for me, then take it away from me and take me away from it. So what happens is we pray a staccato and after the staccato. Maybe everything is going wrong, you know, it's just one block after another after another after another. And we don't ever stop to think, hey, that is my answer to my esta hada. The fact is I asked Allah to take it away from me if it wasn't good. And this is exactly what's happening. And so what we have to understand is when we pray is declutter, we put our trust in Allah subhanaw taala, to do what's best. And whatever happens after that, we trust that, you know, we give it a lot of data, and we,

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and we, you know, we were pleased with what Allah subhanaw taala does, knowing firmly that this is what's best for us. So we shouldn't, we don't need to be looking for like some sort of dream or sign, you know, that comes in the sky or a letter in the mail, or something like that, but it's what ends up happening. And on the other hand, you might praise to Haha, and then all the obstacles that used to be there are slowly going away, you know, this person's parents weren't agreeing, now they're agreeing, you know, this is everything's kind of being smooth and it's happening, then inshallah, you know, then that's your new SLS panatela if it's good for you to make it happen, and

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chawl if it happens, inshallah, it's good for you. Now, one last thing I really want to emphasize, is, when you have to make a decision, sometimes we get in situations where we have to make very, very important decisions, and we have a lot of trouble. You know, you worry should What should I do? You know, should I take this decision or that decision. And the main point here is that any decision that we take by Allah subhanaw taala, no matter what happens, it will always be good for us. And any decision that I take by myself, and I'll explain what these two concepts mean, if I take it by myself by my knifes, it will no matter what ends up happening, I will always regret and I will

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always look back and wonder what if, and I wish I had done it this way. And what about this and there will always be this nagging internally in me wondering what if, and wondering Oh, but and, and lo and all that type of, you know, internal sort of torture that we do to ourselves, this happens as a result of taking a decision by oneself, that I'm taking it because here's what I want, this is what my nefs is, is is is dropped, you know, pulling me to, instead what we need to do is take it to Allah subhanaw taala turn to Allah and say, Allah, guide me, Allah take me to what is best Allah, you know, make make it happen in the way that you that will please you most and we and instead of

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doing just what I want what I want, we actually go to Allah and say Allah guide me to what you want and when we do

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In that way, no matter what ends up happening, it will always be good for you. And we'll never look back and say what if you will never look back and say I wish I had done it this way because you took the decision with Allah subhanaw taala not by yourself. Accordingly Heather was stuck for the law Lee welcome Inafune Rahim. subhanak Hello the handknit shadow Annette ilaha illa and nonstock Filipina. tulelake. While RC in an insane lfu history, Latina man and woman solid hat plus a half quarters of sobre salam wa Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh