Channel: Yaser Birjas
So I want to come up with the logo, but I've got to, I'd like to welcome all the brothers and sisters who are joining us for this webinar program. Today we have a very special program that's been organized for you.
We have to shift to chefs to speakers on the topic that we've organized for today, which is romance vs violence. Our first chef is going to be chef Yasser Burgess, and he's going to discuss the importance of the prophetic way of treating our spouses.
And Our second speaker, inshallah, who will be a member of the Nasir and his topic of discussion is going to be how to maintain a healthy home. After our two speakers have given their presentations, we will have a chance for questions and answers, which the brothers sisters can participate in by sending an email to I will give you the email address, in case you have any questions you'd like to send email address is QA
at more n o u r dash d v.org.uk.
There's also the ability to I think add some questions as we're going on the program so I know he does have any questions please do send us the emails and inshallah we will try to cover those
posts because roughly we'll talk for 30 minutes inshallah within 30 to 45 minutes and inshallah We will begin with our first speaker, Chef yourself but just I'll just give you a brief introduction to the chef, Chef he also adjusts as he as you all know as a well respected scholar Asha his invite a very active in Islamic community and he's involved with many Institute's is also involved with a small group and Mashallah he's been very active in the DAO and he studied martial law in many Institute's and I think we all know a lot about the show.
We'll start with his topic inshallah, which will be the prophetic way of treating spouses and inshallah, as we know, as Muslims. The best example for us is the novel messenger, Mohammed Salahuddin Sana and the way that we deal with our families in the way that we do our whole lives. We refer to him, some of them. And this will be a very important topic that the SEC will address and would like to invite the sheriff to, to begin talking. Sure, look, I'm not sure
that I might even want to lay out a lot of cattle under a lot of blood. I mean, sallAllahu wasallam, a lot of Vietnam. Early Iwasaki were seldom at the Sleeman kathira.
Whenever we talk about the subject of domestic violence, there is no doubt the main, the main target here would be the husband, and then in his treatment to his to his wife. Although unfortunately, in our time, there's also a rise in that and the numbers of opposite as well, attacks and harassment from the wife towards the husband. But it's a mutual thing. I want to make this very clear from the beginning, that when we talk about domestic violence, it is something becoming very, very important. It's a very serious matter right now. And it's mutual from the husband, towards the wife from the wife or the husband. But of course,
checking the statistics and knowing the reality on the ground, very large, it's mostly the man who becomes more physical, more aggressive when it comes to dealing with his spouse and his wife. This is very, very crucial subject and very, very important. And I want to make sure that every brother and sister, they know that they are part of this issue, not just as victims, they could also be the one who's who's initiating that, that the violence whether they know it or not. And I would like to make it a shallow data, very clear from the beginning, that we all part of this problem, whether by being participant in this or knowing about it, and not saying anything, or just you know, trying to
ignore it and live in fear of denial. It's on the rise in the Muslim community, as well as in the non Muslim community. Unfortunately, the lifestyle, the stress people they go through and so on, they have so many excuses, that lead them to think or justify how they treat their spouse, Cipolla. Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam was sent to us as rock metal. And I mean, that's what a lot of zildjian say, whenever we talk to people about taken or sort of like the role model in marriage, it's very hard for many people to relate to Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam in that sense, because they think he was the Messenger of Allah. And his life was very unique and was very special as well at a
different level. So when they think of Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam, they always think of them as a great messenger of Allah. We don't really relate to Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam as being a great husband, a great family man. It seems that this is something we're going to have to figure it out on our own. We cannot cannot
try to figure it out on our own without really know seeing how Rasulullah his adolescent can be the role model for us in this but looking into the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam will see ample evidence, great amount of evidences, a hadith and stories of either profits or loss Allah and His life at home. You know Allah subhana wa tada said about the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam put in them and above all, Mohammed Paulina Nana, Basha say I am and you
Remember, so the prophets have a lot of setup before he became a messenger. He was a human being, not just any human being, because some people might say, Yeah, I agree he was a human being, but he was a super human, he was able to control all you know the situations of life and so on. But Allah azza wa jal immediately responds to that by saying, myth lucam which means just like you, you have a lay to receive revelation. So the Messenger of Allah was a human, and we can definitely relate to Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam on that level. He said Salatu was salam o eurocom. Scirocco, may Allah the best among you are, those are the best of their families. And then he said, Well, Anna,
Kira, Camilla Holly, and I am the best of my family. That is the that's an amazing statement. It's honor, it's a universal statement that even I remember reading this hadith translated into English language as the cover on a cover of a book on feminism written by a Westerner or female actually out of row that I was proposing some books in the public library here in Texas. And I was surprised and shocked when I checked that book and the outer female out there who's non Muslim, she had that on on the on the inside cover of the book. And it says, the best amongst you, although the best of their families, and then I am the best of my family. Then she she said, Prophet of Islam, Muhammad prophet
of Islam, I was so honored, I was so proud that even Westerners recognizing the value of the Prophet satellites and brought to family life, being a role model Salawat Allah, he was at MIT. So he is Salatu was an Abraham attended at me. And he said, and we hear that almost every Friday on the hotbar Cairo hiral Howdy, howdy, Mohammedan sallallahu wasallam. And the best guidance is the goddess of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam money. So what do we know about the guidance of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam in relationship to the family life, when we say the profit, solace and family life, I'm assuming most people will think that his life was perfect, perfect, in a sense that
he never had to suffer. You know, the jealousy many people they complain about, he never had to deal with his wife raising her voice, you know, against his, perhaps the prophets Allah said never had to deal with women complaining, or what makes men keep complaining and saying they keep nagging and whining and so on. You mean, many of us, they think the prophets of Allah Salah, he had this amazing life, which indeed he had an amazing life sallallahu wasallam family life, but they think that he never had to deal with these things. But just having a quick look, and books of Hadith Sahih Bukhari and Muslim and other collections of a Hadith, you will see how natural and how normal the life of
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was, like any other husband, any other man and any other household. He had to deal with all these things. He had to do with all these things, as I deal with marriage counseling, and people that come to me and discuss, you know, things that goes through in the marital life. And if a man let's say he pronounced the word divorce, for instance, and I asked him, Why did you do that for their immediate reaction, and the immediate response to that becomes very defensive. And they say, the man would say, because she made me do that she forced me she provoked me. So they always blame someone else, since she provoked me. She did that because of what
you have done, and so on. So we never on our mistakes, and we never take responsibility of our actions. And when we talk, when we look into the life of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam, he had to deal with jealousy. He had to deal with women, you know, raising their voices, he had to deal with the women speaking you know too much or even demanding too much from him. sallallahu wasallam, in what you call today, nagging or even whining, he had to deal with all of that sallallahu wasallam, but never ever, in this era of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, not the Messenger of Allah, He would never violent. He was he never, he never chastised or disciplined his wife, or his family,
sallAllahu wasallam using force reason had never thought about the laws are not done that at all. As a matter of fact, we shall see that his life was extremely, very normal life. And he dealt in a very, very professional way with his wife. Salatu was Salam. He was very considerate, and he indeed was a man and he proved to the world Salawat Allah was that our moderator, he could handle this, the stress that every man would see in his house, he would handle that with with a lot of grace, and a lot of mercy, passion, and compassion. That's how was the life of Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam and in these few few minutes, inshallah, I would like to share with you some of the examples, some of
these things that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam had to deal with in his house, things happen in the household of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, and I would like to share this with you as diligent, number one, number one, which is something many men they complain about as part of their problem dealing with their wives. Number one is jealousy. Same thing, males, most women also complain when they become sometimes they turn, you know, violent and they have this tantrum and they start throwing things and so on. It's mainly because of jealousy for many for many reasons. I'm not going to go through the reasons why men get jealous
Women get jealous because they're very obvious. There's so many reasons why people they get jealous or whether this is right or wrong. That's not the point. But they do get jealous. They do get jealous and because of that jealousy, they might justify turning, you know, violent or turning nasty and start acting and completely unprofessional and out of character. So, some of these occasions what sort of law here so the law said on one he wanted to win, he wanted to propose to him sell him out of the law, why not after the death of her husband, ex husband, when her husband when her late husband died, she wrote to the Prophet so the last time he proposed to her, and she said Yasuda law
says, I have I have issued I cannot say no, but I have three things that I want you to be aware of. And one of the three things that she mentioned, says she had a lot of children, because she was a single mother. She was a single mother and she was afraid that you know, her children might be an obstacle in the relationship and the prophets, Allah seven you gave her from the beginning. You gave her Salawat the lower sulamani the answer that pleases her. He said, your children will be like my children, which means they are just like my children. Don't worry about that means I'll take care of them. You don't have to worry about anything else. The second thing once you compared to the sort of
like sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when she complained to the civilize the lesson that she is jealous woman says, I cannot stand it, no co wives, I cannot do that. And the prophets, Allah Sam told her, I'll make glad for you that Allah Subhana Allah, Allah is that jealousy. He didn't say to cancel that jealousy, he didn't say that he will delete and he will completely eradicate that jealousy from her heart. Because you know, this is something natural, it's as a matter of fact, it's an instinct of survival in any relationship. That is the defense mechanism so that it can protect the relationship they can protect their loved ones, but if it's over, it becomes an overdone that's when
it becomes problematic in the relationship to show some examples when things go out of hand a little bit you know, out of hand, I shall be allowed Alana, she said that she wasn't very good cook, that also Allah His Allah salam, one day he came to the house with a guest. And then he asked if there is anything to serve the guest. I shake it and she admits she wasn't that good cooks. But she wanted Of course to serve the guests something that she would make at home. So she said I'll do something right away.
As she was working on something to serve the guests the Prophet sallallahu Sallam he sent to the other household to see if they have anything ready to send it to the house of course little lies a lot seminar Isha. Now imagine that I shall have the logo on her, she has a guest in her house with a suit of lies a lot of asylum. And that guest is going to be served food coming from another way. Someone else did that foods, and that was kind of too much for her. So as she as she said, that helps I mean, Sophia, I mean, sort of have some the daughter of another Hopper, she was a better cook. So she sent something to Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, and the mother servant was coming
through the door, to present that to the civilized, civilized Salaam, Arusha. She heard, she overheard the footsteps, she jumped on that servant, and she hid the servant wood on the arms, basically, to drop that food or that basically that that plate, and she broke the plate, and the food was spilt on the ground, something that can be collected afterwards. But she was very jealous that she did that. Now I'm saying today in the 21st century, if someone's wife does this thing in front of him, and his guests would know about it, what would be the end of this relationship? How would it look like afterwards? Definitely, many people, they feel that there are many men who feel
offended, their ego will be hurt, they feel embarrassed, they feel, you know,
eventually that many things will go through their minds because of an incident like that. However, Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, how did he react to that he to act in a very normal and very natural way. He bent down so a lot of us in collecting the food. And one piece of that data was that was broken. And he was smiling. He was smiling, which means he was laughing in the standard of the smiles of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. He was laughing at that incident with the guest. And he just told them a lot of omocha which means what can I do, she just she got jealous. And he was eventually he was defeating that feeling. That feeling of jealousy with some sort of human and he
took it friendly. So I want to live with that. I'm gonna recognize that this is natural. I cannot stop this. It's not gonna I will never be able to complete it did not delete that or eradicate those feelings. So he dealt with it naturally. So Allahu Allah He was Allah. Men and women that need sometimes to take it you know things easier. They don't have to take things in like a an attack on the ego or under the internet or the reason or there's other style or whatever. It just something natural. So sometimes we have to accept a little a little bit level of sense of humor with one another even if it came through jealousy or from a jealous nature take it easy and Allah subhana wa
tada will make it easier for you on you as well. There are more actually in regard to the way the prophets of Allah Selim he dealt with jealousy. One of these ways of being neutral Salawat the law he was at Ahmadi such in the case when
When when the women of the Prophet salaallah Selim complain about it sort of the law that they sent Fatima, his own daughter to go and try to intercede for them that this is not fair. And when Fatima did what she did the Prophet sallallahu wasallam he confessed his love to Ayesha to Fatima, he said, Yeah, you have an idea. Don't you love what I love? My dear daughter? Don't you love what I love? She said absolutely. Also the law. He said and just loved her pointing to it. She said, love her. So faulty. My she just went back and told them I can't do that anymore. That's it well done. Xena was not satisfied with this with this answer. So she went and she started kind of having a confrontation
with Ayesha and the presence of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Now many men would like to enter to interfere and just, you know, basically step in the middle and try to mediate the situation for the prophets of Allah Salah he just let it go, meaning let them deal with it on their own. As long as there is no violence going on, he just let it go. So what the law said amaray shall when she heard that in a kind of confronting her in that fashion. She looked at her sort of law his salon as if she's telling him what to do or stop her or just let me do it. Then the property gave her adjuster that she's yours deal with it. And I shouldn't be allowed on how she dealt with her. And
she answered the Xena back until China was defeated. She was defeated verbally basically, when the argument she was defeated. And when the conversation came to a stop, I said she looked at the Prophet sallallahu Sallam to see what his reaction would be now, she said, I found the Prophet salla. Seven, he was smiling, which means he was laughing. And then he said that he just said, had he been to Ibiza. She is the daughter of her father, which means Oh burqa is I know that she can she can do it, she can handle that on her own. Again, the prophets, Allah said remain neutral, he let them deal with it. And that is something I want many of all the husbands and all the sisters and the
spouses there, out there. Whenever something happens between a mother and a wife, between the daughter in law and sister in law and all these kind of reactions, you need to take it easy, don't take it very personally, don't get offended by that. Don't let your ego get involved. Let them deal with these things on their own slowly and gradually in the law. And things will eat as as long as you as they don't cross many lines, such as being abusive verbally or even speaking in a language and stuff like that will becomes backfiring and so on. You can still tolerate a level of jealousy and schelotto would happen between you know, different women and the relationship. Also, the man or
woman should also tolerate part of that jealousy because that's natural for him. As long as it doesn't, he doesn't cross many lines should be treated excuse me shallow, they take that easy in the LaserJet. So that's one area from the lack of the prophets of Allah Hollywood on the issue of jealousy. The other one, men complain so much about their wives, you know that they raise their voices meaning a man feels offended when his wife raises her voice as he speaks with her. She's raising her voice. Now it's very natural for women to do that. Because holiday if they feel safe with their husbands, they feel safe doing that with their husband because they know he is the
husband, he should tolerate. He should accept me he should you know be okay. Basically they feel safe with him. That's why they act you know themselves when they raise their voices. And that's what the how the profits or losses dealt with these things. I showed the law one time she was coming she was speaking with the profits or loss elements. She seemed that she was raising her voice against his voice sallallahu wasallam
that Abu Bakr Siddiq, her father, who was in them as he overheard that conversation, and here he realized that she was raising her voice. So he dashed into the house of a prophet sallallahu wasallam chasing Alisha, and trying to stop her and just basically, this will discipline her that his daughter says you just you do that to Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam. And he was about basically to grab his daughter, now, Ayesha, who was just few seconds ago, raising your voice against the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. She turned around and she shows up hiding behind her husband Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam she started hiding behind her husband, when she was kind of raising her voice
again. So you could say harassing him basically. And then trying to seek shelter and protection or if you do them, then we're sort of law is a little it was Salam Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he stopped over close the deal. And you told him Yeah, it's okay. You just basically it's okay, I'll leave it for me. Until overcrossing duty cool down and then he left. Then the Prophet turned to his wife Aisha and he was telling her Okay, you see, I helped you. I mean, I was there for you, you know that you're going to need me eventually. And eventually that that kind of Pinnacle moment that when they were upset with each other, she started smiling a lot and the prophet SAW
smiling also and laughing Oh because of the came back. Now this is kind of excited that saying listen, if you the way you guys do, you may be part of that that that word that you had before. I want to be part of this piece right now.
They were just kind of moving on to the next next step or next basically episode in that, in that in that life Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam one time, he was surrounded by his women. And they were kind of speed demanding so much they heard about treasures coming from the, from all behind the east coast of the Arabian Peninsula. And they thought they could get some more to you know, they want some more money. In this case, that's a lot of treasure coming. So what do we have some more dollar sort of law, and they kept, you know, surrounding him and the purpose and this is not my money, I cannot give you more. It's, I cannot I can do that. So they kept raising their voices until
honorable photographer, they allowed that and who overheard that recognizing that his daughter was there as well, among the among the ladies who are doing that sort of pseudo law, his sort of lifestyle. And so he came in as well, when he sought permission. He came in the women, they suddenly and instantly, they turned quiet. I went, Oh, when I'm on here, so that he was kind of surprised. It's just like saying, Look at you. Yeah, I do want to emphasize when such an enemy's against your own selves, you're doing that to Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam. And now when I come in, you all became you became quiet. So Souder of the Allahu anhu, he took the initiative, and she answered back
saying Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, he is very nice, basically, he is very kind, meaning he can he can take it, he can accept that. But we know that you're harsh. We can't you basically you cannot handle that. Now somehow, men, they have different qualities, and also the law, his sort of lifestyle, and he had the best quality. And even Ahmed himself later on in his life. He had that incident when his wife was raising your voice and you know, in front of him, and one man who came one day to try to complain about his own families on his own wife. But when he heard the wife of Omar raising their voice, he just left we went back home, I saw him leaving says come over what did
you want to do? And the man who told him Well, I honestly nothing in particular, but I wanted to complain to about my wife. But then when I see you dealing with that, I don't know you could help me right now. You told me I had I said, Listen, these are the women who take care of you. at home. They burn themselves while they're cooking for you. They take care of your clothes, they do everything for you in the household, they deserve. They deserve that you'd be patient with them. So he learned from the madrasa from the School of Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam, how to handle his spouse and never be violent with them are they allowed to run wild on other things with regard to the issue that
happens in the household of Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam like in any other household, having high demands, women, they always like to improve their style, they like to improve their life, they would like to improve things around the house as well, even though they have everything or a man would say you have everything but sell women, they say we need to have things, we need to change this, you need to change that. That's exactly what the prophet SAW Sam had to do. They used to demand these things. Just like in the store I mentioned earlier, they surrounded the profit sort of loss and keep demanding you're a sort of low pressure coming from Bahrain, can we have this can we have that I
want this, I want that. Even Fatima, his own daughter, she came through a sort of law looking for him, he wasn't there at home. And she said, you know, sort of like I heard that there's some, you know, some servants or slaves being brought to Medina, if you could send me one, I want someone to help me out in the house. And in response to that the prophets of Allah said I went to her house. And he taught her and I live in a big hurry to make the decode when they go to sleep, that is to say, to panela 33 times at hamdulillah 33 times Allahu Akbar 34 times that this he told them, this will be better for you than having a servant around the house. So the profits are the last cell and
he knows that they they have a high demand. They always ask for these things. But he never went violence a lot of them at some point at some point. And I have to admit, at some point, the Prophet sallallahu sallam, when he kind of felt that this is getting too much, he practiced something. Many women they hate really in the relationship, and that's what they call silent treatment. He did the silent treatment or boycotting his wife salatu wa salam RA, in what is known in the Quran as an ila Allah subhanho wa Taala mentioned
the practice of Allah and Surat Al Baqarah levina Luna, Melissa M. Babu salvati Ayesha and those men who practice at Isla which means pronounce Isla and in this case, like saying boycotting their wives, the man who says this, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna reach you for for a month or so. The Prophet Solomon did that at some point. And he had them in hoonah shahara. He, he was practicing this for an entire month saltwater law. He was at MIT, and he was boycotting his wife for an entire month. And what did he go he left him even physically, he went out salatu salam and he he spent that month in in the loft, which is an upper room above the house of eyeshadow violante Lana, that has
stairways leads to them, as Brad was guarding, was guarding that stairways for a solar light solar cell. And at the beginning, when the news spread all over Medina de profit divorced his wife. So Amata was one of those people who panicked Oh my god, this is my wife. It is my daughter hafsa or the alarm on her so he wants to have some laughs I was crying. She was crying and she was weeping. Basically. He told me what happened to divorce you She said, No. I said I don't know. What is it? I don't know. He just he
Just left and we just heard the news like everybody else. Eventually, Mr. Harvey went looking for the sort of lies of the Law Center. He sought permission three times to perfect was not given permission for him to come in. Finally, he let him come in. That means the Prophet was very upset, man, sometimes they get upset things happen in the house around the house, they get upset, and that's normal. We're not saying that you cannot get upset. But that doesn't mean to become verbally abusive, or emotionally abusive or physically abusive Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, when he got upset with them, he just took that moment basically taking a break. And going out for an entire
month right now provided that he was taking care of the families making sure that they've been met, well maintained. They were taken care of very well, but he stayed away from them for an entire month. So like a hug or boycott, a form of discipline eventually. And SubhanAllah. After an entire month, you can imagine after an entire month, a man comes back to his wife and his family.
Our our men today will expect that the wife will say I'm sorry, I apologize. I didn't mean that and so on. But the store in Hannibal Bukhari Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam after 29 days, and that's a lunar month, full lunar month, eventually, he came down sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And he started with the house of Irish. On the other hand, you expect the wife to be very welcoming. But the story said that I shall be allowed on had a moment you saw the profit coming in. She told him while the month is not over yet. I know in some in some books of some people, they said this is busy because I she was concerned for the Prophet sallallahu Sallam that he might break his, you know, his vow and
his promise the last time to stay away for a month and so on. But that is a kind of like the righteous mind that people they have about the Prophet sallallahu Sallam in that sense. But he was dealing with a husband and wife, the wife was very upset as well. Women, they don't know they started being away from their husbands. So when the Prophet came back, and only after 29 days, she told him the math is not over yet. Which means if you're still upset, why don't you stay one more day, there's one more day left.
by the prophets Allah sent again, he took it very friendly, insensitive humor. And he told her sallallahu wasallam basically says the month can be like this, and he showed his hands 123 that's 29 days. And then one, two, and 330 days. So basically, it's telling her this month was 29 days, as it is today. Just keep quiet. Today, perhaps if a man if a man hears that statement from his wife, when she tells him well, the month isn't over yet. He will just turn around say okay, so I'm wanting to live again. But Rasulullah has said Allah Sam didn't do that. That was enough. At least he sent me a message the message was sent and the law we know what's going on. Alright, Allah subhanho wa Taala
took care of that for him in the eye, they were revealed, given the women of the profits of us and the choice to live with Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam at that standard that he was providing for them out of the one, he can divorce them, and you can give them whatever they want of the treasures of this dunya in shallow Thailand, of course, they all prefer Allah Subhana Allah to Allah and the messenger for the Messenger of Allah as a little sort of lies and Allahu alayhi wa sallam.
Sometimes, you know, in the household of the prophets of Allah, certain things would happen such as
crimes, you know, the light the wives, they like when I asked you to the young men and women and the process of getting married a woman what she's looking for she looking for a man who, who likes
the sense of humor she wants, she's basically I want a guy who's like this sense of humor, he likes to joke, because she she doesn't like this kind of stressful lifestyle. She wants someone who enjoy life as well, because she might be funny, she might, you know, enjoy a laugh as well and so on. It's just true that some guys sometimes they live too serious life and they think that you know that they joke with their wives, they're the ones they're going to take advantage of that. There is no need to stress yourself out. She's just like anybody else you would like to also have a lot in her life. I don't know it's it's normal thing. So I showed the loan to Lana she, she was very actually smart.
She's very intelligent, and she loved a sense of humor as well. And she like to make these pranks and jokes practical jokes on the Prophet sallallahu wasallam one of these practical jokes when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Allah.
When he ate when he came, and he ate some honey from the house of house on another narration says the house of Xena he ate some honey. And when he came to the house of Ayesha Ayesha, she says that smell of the honey. And now of the property hated anything. He hated people to sense a bad smell from him. So she told him what is this smell? He goes, nothing. I just ate honey from the house of house. She goes No, no that smells like alpha. Alpha is a desert shrub or flower that has a kind of very strong strong smell. But the Prophet he insisted it was just honey I had in the house of hazzan or the olana. So then she said maybe perhaps the bees then they just got the nectar from the nectar
from that tree or from that flower when the Prophet left after because they used to go around to check on the households.
And on his wife solo Solon, I say she immediately she went to the house of soda, and the house of Sofia and she told me that or sort of law, his philosophy is going to come to you. And you're going to tell him that you smell something from him. He will say, Honey, you told him or foot. She gave him the whole scenario. Then some Halloween when he came to the house of Xena, of the house of of Sofia. And he approached her she said the same thing and I was surprised that wow, that's she also sensitive me too strong. But then when in the house of soda soda as she was narrating the story, which is the funny part in that story is Pamela. She does the moment I saw the property is in
covenant barely he was coming through the door. She immediately she said, because she although she feared that it shall be allowed Anna, she had that kind of strong influence on her. She said, What is this smell? Right? Right and he was coming through the door. Now that's when the property was also paladins must be very, very strong. Now when that when the Prophet came back again to help sir to eat honey again. He then he said, Thank you very much. I don't want that. I shall and so that when they use that I read the story after the death of the Prophet sallallahu sallam.
When when people weren't laughing at it, so that she said Father to Allahu Allah, I'd have known if we deprived like St. Paul or sort of life The last time we deprive them from what he liked. But I actually would respond to that by saying, just keep quiet, but it was good to screw with me just keep quiet. So Pam, I mean, I know some people might say, but is that couldn't we consider that a lie? Is this is something any prohibited to happen in the household of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam? Well, believe it or not, it happened. And if it was, if it was wrong, Allah subhanho wa Taala Yes, Allah azza wa jal, he mentioned that in the Quran that he shouldn't be depriving himself
or stopping or making it harder for him to eat the honey because of that, but Allah subhana wa that did not did not. Yeah, and you make it harder for the for his wife to enjoy a laugh or making a joke like this. Another example, when house when Isha and soda were
together, and the professor Sam was with them in the house of Ayesha. Ayesha, she brought some food. And I mentioned earlier, she was not a very good cook. That's what she said.
So the food has a very strong, it was a little bit greasy for soda all day long. And so when when, when I should start eating the profits, or some start eating soda was sitting there doing nothing. The profits of the lesson I she looked at her and she said, Why aren't you eating? cauliflower? I don't like it. And imagine that you're telling your wife or someone else that you know you're visiting somebody for food, and then you don't eat that food, telling them I don't like your food. That's basically like rubbing it in her face. And if she sold soda, she goes, What did you eat, or I'm gonna smear this in your face. I'm going to take some put in your face, basically. Soda, of
course, you said you're on there. That's the purpose Allison was was present. So I said she took some of that. And she smeared the face of somebody with it. Now, so that was kind of taken by surprise. She was shocked that she did that. And she they're doing this. But also Lola is Allison was in the middle in between. and he had his knee basically blocking the way so he put it down, and he just put his head there just to soda to pay back so so that she grabbed some and she also smeared the face of Ayesha with that. And the professor was smiling and laughing at it. They were laughing they were enjoying the time. This is what they call it today. Food Fight. I know some people also
they're going to say How could you say that? wasting the food when people are starving in such and such places and people don't have food this answer. We're not saying here to throw you know, Breanna dishes and all that stuff. We're saying something that's very simple, very gentle like this. And the Prophet said, Listen, enjoy the luck with them as well. And the heritage of authentic, its authentic and said Buhari as well. So these are these are stories from the life of the prophets, Allah said and he was never offended, because of that. sallallahu alayhi wasallam there are so many other examples from the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And finally, I would like to
conclude with this one, which is one of the thing is most men hate basically, or perhaps they hate the most. And that is the silent treatment from their wives, men, they practice silently,
which women hate, but it's always the women who try to come and say I'm sorry, I apologize. You know, I didn't mean it, they try to please the man they do everything possible for the man just to again be satisfied. Even though the man might be wrong panela with the man might be wrong, but still, they would, they would do their job their part. And they would
move one step forward for them, so that they come across to their to their husband. So and sometimes that would be really by preparing the bed for them by preparing basically a romantic night for them just for the month of it to get you know, satisfied and happy with it.
However, when the man get when the woman gets upset, in many cases, unfortunately the man doesn't take that step to approach his wife basically, was the word that can make things so easy for him and for his wife. And that is the word I'm sorry. Hallo brothers and sisters. I know
Annie specifically, I would like to just assisted with that.
If, eventually if
I need to, if there is anything so difficult for a man to pronounce or say that towards, and that's saying I love you. Number two saying I'm sorry. It's a man thing. I don't know why they do that. It's an ego thing for them. But if it's and it's the most difficult to pronounce, it's the word I love you. And second, it's the word, I am sorry. Haha, I love you. They don't want to say that. Because they think if they say I love you, women, they keep using that against them. If you love me, then you shouldn't have done that. If you love me should say this, you should do that and so forth. So better not not doing it at all, eventually, liberal not doing it at all, then you know, get in
trouble because I said it once or twice. I would say for men, you need to say it because even the prophets of Allah said and he actually pronounced this word publicly about his last two, I showed you a lot that I'm even in front of his daughter Fatima, like in the store that I mentioned earlier. The second thing, the word I'm sorry, the word, I'm sorry.
And when we say I'm sorry, it's basically admitting that you made a mistake. And men they hate to say I messed up. Because for them it just like it escalates to many levels, such as I know, I must stop. I know, that means I'm incompetent. And I'm not good for anything and this and that. There's just so scared of these feelings. So they become very protective. And they rather not to say I'm sorry to just eventually let it go. So sometimes they wait until the wife just get over it and just move on with their lives. But during that time the wife perhaps she is going to be practicing the silent treatment. How are you going to handle this? Did the watch the profit? So lesson practice?
the silent treatment what Han Solo Solo MD answer yesterday. As a matter of fact, that's what somehow led even at some point to mojado button abuso de la Samhain also trying to use the silent treatment against his wife, even even on mobile hotspot when he heard that he went straight to his daughter hafsa. He says, Yeah, Vanya. I heard that you guys you don't speak to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam when he's at home, when he's around like this, and you're getting upset, you cannot make a show out of it. Is that true? She said, Yes, of course we do that. When I have done a lot of Atiba, Julio moku, sometimes we get upset with him the entire day, which means from the
morning all the way until the evening, so we all was upset with him. And when he heard that, he was appalled by that accurate statement. And he told the house says you're gonna you're my dear daughter, listen, he said, You're not like our issue, which means our insya she has a very special place in his heart for the life of a salon, she might do that and get away with it, you might not be able to get away with that. Eventually, finally, it led to the ILA, which is the professor some boyfriend, his wife's, and also the he did the silent treatment with them for an entire month in this in this case, but my point here is that women did that with the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. He
would go into the house and they wouldn't speak with him. sallallahu alayhi wasallam eventually, if he doesn't, if he doesn't, if you don't speak with him, What is he going to do? He cannot any force him to accept even when he was trying to please I shall be allowed to Lana and over Casa de creme to intervene and try to help out with that. He was kind of still rasulillah his house and he was never violent. It was never abusive salata level ceremony, it was never offended personally, in that his ego was not hurt because of that. It's natural. They are also human beings. And just like you feel hurt, they will feel hurt as well. And sometimes, of course, the silent treatment. And that's the
point that it extends all the way until the evening. And when the evening comes, the guy who wants to reconcile with his wife, and he tries to kind of force on her to get over over it. specifically trying to act you know, funny without even saying the word I'm sorry. Although if you say the word I'm sorry, just Khalid just ends everything. Yes, he's gonna start speaking, because she's frustrated, suddenly she feels it. She feels excited that now suddenly you're, you're going to be listening to me, she start bringing all the issues out. Not that she's trying to throw a tantrum on him as much as she is now feeling safe to talk. And the man when a woman talk like this, you need to
be patient, and just listen, because that's all what they need someone to listen to them, not necessarily someone to fight with them. Power the issue again, when a man tries to force his wife into bed.
it escalates a situation. That's when it escalates the situation. Is the man have the right even to force his wife into bed? Well, the answer to this is no. This is something now nowadays they call it marital rape. It's basically the man physically forcing his wife into the bed not emotionally, like she responding with resentment. Now, physically, sometimes a man will do that. Well, so the law is a law set up and the habit Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Allah in the Hadith. He mentioned that if a woman does not, you know respond to the call of her husband when he calls her to bed at midnight,
I knew she was going to be under the influence perceiver effect of the angels of the angels being you know, cursing her. Yes, I know that many women want to hear that, how did they get skirt, which is of course, indeed, they need to get scared because of that statement. However, there is also in their defense, this hadith isn't their defense, that means that a man has no right to turn physical forcefully, to take it to take this half of his right. And from that sense, he has no right to do that. So again, a lot of panels are the purpose or some sense that the angels will take care of that for you. And a man has no right to force his life in that sense. And even if he does it, how can
this even support and reconcile How can this even help them out and establishing peace and establishing harmony in their household? So I talk right now, I mentioned to you a few of the examples that happened in the life of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam that he had to handle and deal with just like in any other household, his women get jealous, his women there is their voices is women, they have had the high demands and they need some maybe higher maintenance sometimes, and over the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the Prophet sallallahu Sallam they will they would complain they would do sometimes they would be what do you call it today nagging eventually, they
would have some they will joke with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam on it would have some tanks, you know and have some fun, what are sort of like, sort of like the law he was at MIT, and the probably would tolerate all of this the Messenger of Allah, he would tolerate all of that. So eventually, as you can see, he held that and handleable me nicely. And he was he what he did, he showed that mercy, that passion and compassion sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Rasul Allah he was sent as a matter I mean, he was sent as Rockman Allah mean mercy to mankind. And the best example is the example of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So May Allah azza wa jal give us a tofield to
follow His guidance and follow his path and follow his example May Allah subhanho wa Taala make us among those who listen to the speech and follow the rest of it. I know the shape of the notes will be coming and joining us soon inshallah to Allah to talk about harmony in the life of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Allah so until he arrives in sha Allah, I will take us since vanilla on the topic are discussed in vanilla until he comes and join us inshallah, he will be continuing the topic on bringing harmony to the household, from the again, how to bring harmony Schollander and your household. Hopefully, vanilla implemented example for soda law, he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
and now I can take your questions in sharp.
So I can show
your presentation, our show notes very beneficial. We just have some questions that will start to take what are waiting for?
One question that's come through is that if the example that you're given of the profits or loss is so great Marshall, and he never was violent, or never physically hurt his women? And how is it that Muslims today get this idea that it's acceptable to to hit women? And does this idea come from Islam? Was it a consequence of living in societies and cultures? Which done?
Yeah, of course, definitely. Definitely. Everybody usually tries to cite the ayah from Surah Nisa, that last panel has given men the authority to discipline their wives if they show any sign of rebellion, which is in the shoes as was mentioned, and in the in the ayah. And it goes into three piece three, basically, number one is first of all, to admonish them, admonish them and remind them number two, to boycott them in bed. And number three to in this case, as is called reborn was reborn, which means, in this case, physically, basically discipline, some hammer this ayah was used as a justification for all these men throughout the history as justification for men, you know,
beating the wives, the word beating is the English word, unfortunately, which is a poor really, translation for the word watery bohan in this case.
So eventually, it was used for justification. However, I personally don't know any man, when he uses physical discipline against his wife, he would be citing this ayah as an evidence at the moment. Instead, they use that later on. Which means once if, if a man wants to turn physical, it's not because he's Muslim. It's because a man is gonna turn physical. Now, is that a man thing? I'm not gonna say that. But it does happen. Now here in America, we live in America, every single city has 10s of shelters for battered women. And if you look and check these, these women, the vast majority there is never there isn't even a comparison between how many Muslim women and the shelter's versus
the non Muslim women and his shoulders. So when they do that, they do it just because men Unfortunately, they think they think that they can use force to shorten the whole, you know, crisis. And you can see that even the military, you know, men they think in the military mindset, instead of having diplomatic negotiation, rather go to force and adventure and move on with their lives, even in the story of Belize.
In the state of salaryman when he sent her the letter, and well please she came to her to her Council and she asked them how should we respond to that? What did they tell her? Because you know dokubo were very strong people we have an army if you want we can go and fight them, why negotiating with them? So Carla, men, they think in that fashion most of the time, so when a woman starts complaining, a man turns defensive, when he turns defensive, and he cannot handle the conversation, because women are very articulate, they can present their case in a very, very
amazing way Cipolla even while crying, even if you couldn't handle the stress, returns, physical turn and physical was never the son of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam he himself who received this ayah who gave us this ayah he never practiced that sallallahu alayhi wa sallam even I shall not be allowed to run He said, The Prophet never played hand on any woman or servant Salawat Allah He was Solomonic The only time will remember and we know now the Prophet sallallahu sallam. He perhaps he had his hand when I showed you last time when he pushed her one time, because she was over jealous when he went at night from his room from her. He went to the, to the grave, graveyard to the
cemetery at night, and he made that for the deceased over there on the wave. And so she went after her. And when she came back when the paper was coming back, she went ahead of him trying to go back home when the prophet SAW her she was still catching her breath in the house. He got very upset with her. So what's wrong with you while you have fallen? Man, she just told him I was a little bit I was a bit jealous. So I just wanted to know where you're going. And the prophets, Allah says he pushed her. That's what it is. What is what has happened? He just pushed her on her chest or the 1100. Hadith is said bajada. He says, is it? What do you think I'm not going to be unjust unfair to me
somehow? I mean, why do you do that yourself? Basically, that's the only time we know the purpose on ever done that it wasn't beating. It wasn't that he raised his hand from above down, has never been like this at all. So those will justify that using the ayah they're using the wrong justification seriously, because it's better that you look into the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam who received his eye on how to implement that rollout Allah.
Just doing for Shackleton, also,
ask another question to show you don't mind. This question isn't recording. By the way, if you have any questions for me, I know that you asked me all the questions that came to my thought. So that in shallow dialogue not only comes in it takes its turn, you have all these questions towards the end of his speech. Good. Okay, so the question that we have here is, what advice do you have for the opposite situation? For example, men who get abused or men who have issues in their in their family life, inshallah, maybe women are not acting? What advice do you have for for those mentor abused or mistreated? So the men are the ones who are abuse victims. So being physically or emotionally, the
their wife's abuse, right? emotionally, physically, yeah. Yeah. Well, some analyzed surprisingly, you know, surprisingly, I was actually, I gave a hookah a couple of years ago, and one measured one big mess on the subject of domestic abuse as well. And it seems that I was kind of turning too much, you know, towards the the norm, the norm and domestic abuse, which is the man being the one who initiates
the aggressor in this case. So after we finished the hook by a gentleman came to me and he told me, he says, you know, you mentioned an amazing thing, that handler in regard to domestic abuse and how dangerous that is all important and serious the matter is, however Limited is my store. And he told me that he was the victim of the domestic abuse from his wife, and unfortunately, he said, his wife, every time they get into some argument, she immediately escalates the argument, you know, and start raising your voice and eventually she becomes physical, she start throwing things on him breaking things. And in order to even to escalate the situation, she uses her own hands, and she scratches
her face on her hands. Eventually she to that level, that she scratches her face on her hands. So that if if they call 911 immediately he will be the one in trouble. Immediately they will be in trouble here in the in the United States. I don't know about the law in the UK, and the United States whenever there's a call for domestic abuse, there has to be an arrest. Someone has to spend the night at least basically away in Miss in prison in jail for protection of course and sometimes because you know, until the investigation is over, and he said that every time she does that I freak out because eventually if I call I'm going to be in trouble they're not going to believe my story
because usually the man that gets in trouble so I really realized that it's to that level on turns on I've heard so many different stories that women they start getting becoming more aggressive. And after asking some of these ladies and some of these any women and even the men on why they turn so physical, their husbands and sons panela A lot has to do with personalities and sometimes the man
He is motivated in the relationship by fear. And when the man is motivated by fear,
eventually, he is not gonna, it's not going to do the best thing, he's not going to do the right thing. So that's why she gets more aggressive sometimes and she basically doesn't see how she can manage up enough for that. So keep that in mind. I would like to say that keep that in mind. Other thing, sometimes women when they take these kind of courses, on domestic abuse and so on, they know their rights and the law. They sometimes misuse that law. So be careful. You don't want to mess up your family you don't want really to get to take it to more than it what it really is supposed to be. So just take it easy inshallah Allah tried to handle the situation in a better way. As for the
man, if, if the woman is the one who's turning any physical, they are my main concern right now is safety. If there become there is a safety issue, then you definitely need to stay away from each other for some time. And if not, then you seriously after that need to go through marriage counseling, marriage counseling, which most men don't like really don't like it. But
the prophets of Allah Allah another dimension that uncertainness as well, which is survival How can I Minelli How come I'm an alien if they start turning you know now
in a domestic in a in a kind abusive relationship that leads to divorce almost, then they need to have some negotiation mediation, about to have commonality someone from their side, someone from the other side and they can negotiate on their behalf if they could not communicate with each other well lol Dada.
Okay, the next question we have is the issue of verbal abuse. How can somebody with a spouse or a partner who is consistently abusing them or consistently swearing or being verbally abusive to
you know a loss of power that says under foreign aid ability? Pray the lady VENA Cobain Adela can hold on honey, Allah subhana wa Tada. infallibility acid which means you you respond without which is best acid. That which is better. Okay, the lady vena cava, Anna Hamada, perhaps with whom you have enmity and hostility with each other, can hold you in harmony, they become your best friend. Now the meaning of that or best ally, this is between strangers This is between strangers. Imagine if this is between a husband and wife, Allah subhanho wa Taala says afterwards, immediately in the same context, he says, When I will have caught her in the nerdiness above me is not everybody can
handle that, you know, it's difficult. Allah says in the Quran, this is like, it's just like impossible mission. For some people. This is very hard and very difficult to achieve. One, I will have power in the living of sorrow, no one can handle that except those who persevere impatience, when my will aka Allah have done it. And no one truly can hold on to such, you know, attitude and such practice in law who have done it and except for those who have been given a great deal of goodness, and the greatest deal of goodness in this case will be patience. That's what the prophet sallallahu wasallam said in the Hadith, author had an alpha and put them in a sub, what never,
anyone had never had any, any better than a normal blesses more than being patient. So sometimes patients pay off, and we are very well and shallow data. So try as much as possible, as much as possible, be patient respond with that which is best, even if they don't respond to you, in a loving way, you need to respond no more and most loving way, hopefully inshallah, with Allah, they come back to their senses. If not, then definitely you have to do marriage counseling or work on it. The other thing I would like to mention in this regard, is that
in the book, love and respect to the two most essential qualities are husband and wife are looking for in the relationship, women, they look for love, and love and know in a meaning in a way that is meaningful to them, not to their husbands, man, they also look for respect, when in a way that is meaningful to the husband not meaningful to the wife. So they want to be respected in a way that they believe is a show of respect. The problem is that most men, they try to show love to the wives in a way that is meaningful to himself, not to her. And the wife, she tries to show respect to the husband in a way that is meaningful to her, not to him, that's when they mess up the whole
situation. You need to show love and respect in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, not to yourself as a result of not showing that love to wife, the wife should start now escalating disrespectful behavior against her husband. And as a result of this now escalation, the husband is going to escalate his non loving behavior towards his wife. And this become like a vicious cycle keep running around and around and around. And as a matter of fact, it's become like a spiral start from a very simple problem and becomes a very huge issue. So how to handle this issue, stop it one of them need to practice intervention. And that intervention is just you know what, stop there.
break that cycle, vicious cycle of conflict. And and, and aklavik the way Allah subhanho wa Taala says, is that reality? Yes, and you respond
And that which is best, and even a ton of divorce Allah subhanaw taala says at time of divorce, even attempted divorce, he says, Well, since I will fall in love again, do not forget about Alfonso dynaco, which means the goodness that you had with each other. Don't forget about that. That's even if it's going to lead to divorce, how about then hamdulillah he still it's going to be in good terms, you're going to move on, you know, maybe for more more years to come live in together. You have to try your best inshallah to Allah and if things don't go well, then you need to go to marriage Casitas. If you go to marriage counseling, I know usually men don't accept that. But do
your best in sha Allah make it easy for you? Hold on. Just Okay, we'll take one last question, inshallah. The question that we have is what does someone do when their partner their spouse, prevents them from visiting friends or going outside from the home or seeing their family?
You know, that's actually it's a sign of insecurity. It's a sign of insecurity on the part of the man. He doesn't want his wife to go to his to her to see her friends doesn't want her to go to a family. And if you truly look at the situation, why he is exactly turning in that fashion. Why is he acting in that way? It's an insecurity on his part, because he lives this uncertainty that if she goes to her friends, she's basically is she is she just doesn't like to be with me. He doesn't love to be around with me. I'm not interesting to her, that she wants to hang out with her friends, am I not providing for her this emotional, you know, satisfaction. Because when it comes to men, most of
their emotional satisfaction is to have their wives happy and pleased with them. That's why the professor says the reason one of the biggest reasons why a lot of men women actually end up getting a lot and Johanna, yet for the last year, that means they deny the virtues of their husbands. But yeah, women, they say men, they need to earn that which I agree with them, they need to earn that as well. But when a man he feels disrespected, he feels that he is not being emotionally satisfied in the relationship. He turns in that fashion against his wife as well. So if she is trying to find her emotional gratification and happiness, by hanging out with her friends with her family, he starts
turning right now unfortunately, more rigid. No, you're not going to go there. No, you're not going to go there. So as a response to that, why exactly we need to what, how should we hold this and have the or solve this issue? My recommendation when I do actually, any therapy sessions for couples, is to try to kill the source of uncertainty for the man. And also for the woman as well try to kill the source of uncertainty why a man is acting this way. Because of all it all goes back to uncertainty is uncertain about why is she doing that. And if she's not happy with me, and so and so. So he tried to act in that fashion, being unhappy being uncertain about that, or the results of these
gatherings. And so maybe he thinks they're going to feed her some talks, some conversation, some either, that's going to also hurt the relationship. So that now uncertainty breeds and anxiety and anxiety breeds fear. And that fear breeds anger, which what's usually husband and wife deal with at the end of that whole cycle, or that that hierarchy. So when they try to solve the problem, he only tried to solve the problem of him of her being upset, or she tries just to please Him. So he's not angry or upset, but they never go to the core of the problem. And that is the issue of uncertainty. So otherwise, my recommendation, you need to know what exactly makes the husband secure? What does
make him really seriously, you know, uncertain about what he needs to understand, you know, these friends, if you have an issue with this bill, why don't you invite these friends at home over here. So you kind of shallow down and you see the quality of these people who they are and so on.
And if he insists on doing that, that's definitely not the right of the man to do that. I know, we know that the heart of the husband is that the he needs to be obeyed, and so on. But that is true that he needs to be obeyed. However, that doesn't mean the man needs to be unfair or being oppressive, just a matter of becoming a control freak. That's not fair as well. For the woman men they need to understand if Allah has given them the authority, he also gave them responsibility. They need to be responsible to make the wives happy as much as also having the authority to to you know to be obeyed, and being taken care of as well. A lot of time.
Just to thank jack for his presentation just to remind the viewers his topic of discussion was the prophetic way of treating your spouse under low resin we've all benefited a lot from the examples that he's given us and we'd like to thank the show very much for giving us time to come out on his very busy schedule and inshallah we'll speak to him again soon inshallah.
Allah becomes that Malecon inshallah when you move on to shall have the NASA right now we will give you the beautiful tips inshallah how to bring harmony to your household and to the family life, that Monica Santa Monica Monica lava.
One I'm gonna go into our second speaker inshallah, who is a mom of the Nasir. I'll just give you a brief summary of Mr. De Nasir is the founder and the director.
The condom Institute Mashallah is also very well known in the Islamic community for his work in Islamic Tao and Islamic work that he has conducted. And he's also involved in the Aveda Institute inshallah so we would like to pass over to the chef and his topic of discussion will be, how to maintain a healthy home. And again, there'll be a chance for questions and answers at the end. So now move on to
the lower salatu salam ala rasulillah
me as marine salaam aleikum, wa rahmatullah wa barakatu. Just want to greet everyone. And I appreciate your chaos here for the beautiful presentation. And he really touched on the important and key aspects of the marital relationship and how to,
you know, treat one another as spouses.
I wanted to start off by acknowledging and addressing the issue that nude disorganization martial law that they are focusing on, this is a real issue and a real problem in our communities. One of the primary issues that we have today in the Muslim community is when we have serious issues where we have serious problems, but we fail to address them appropriately. Or we don't under understand or appreciate the severity of the problem itself. There are countless statistics and numbers and surveys that are coming out, and that are being updated literally on a daily basis, about the frequency, the common, how common it has become, for spouses to suffer through domestic violence.
One of the questions that if you ask you took right here at the end of his talk, was also about men suffering through maybe emotional or physical violence within the relationship. And so definitely, this is something that's happening across the board, and domestic violence. And of course, as your counselor mentioned, that the primary victims of domestic violence tend to be women, or at least the statistics they show is that there are more women suffering through domestic violence. But there are definitely husbands as well suffering through domestic violence, either emotionally or physically. And then this, what this further does is it it, it creates a bigger problem, because we have a
generation of children who grow up in abusive homes, who are either directly abused or witness abuse, and then grow on to go on and basically perpetrate that same exact behavior within their own personal relationships. And so it's something that is destroying the foundation of family in and of itself. And, you know, something that history teaches us. And the Quran, you know, emphasizes this the life of the prophets, a lot of time, it's a testament to this fact that family is the foundation of society. It is it is the foundation of civilization as we know it. And if you look through the volumes of human history, whenever family was uprooted, or the institution of family fell apart,
those civilizations and those societies came crashing down. That was the beginning of the end. And we're dealing with some very, very serious family issues today. And so this is definitely one of the key issues that needs to be addressed. And,
again, I can't thank the organizers enough and folks who work in this in this organization, full time, and we're committed with this cause because I still meet people till today, I remember I was in one part of the United States and I met a young brother, who came to talk to me about his work, he basically started a project addressing domestic violence. And he grew up in a very abusive home, he witnessed his mother being abused for a very long time, he and his siblings were abused by their father as well. And he grew up in such a traumatic experience that he decided to he got therapy, he got help. And he wanted to make sure that he was able to help other people who might be suffering
through the same problem.
And he told me that
multiple times, more often than not, when he would try to go and address this topic or try to bring some awareness of this to the Muslim community, within our massage and in Islamic centers, and, you know, conferences, and Islamic programs, he was turned away more often than he was welcomed. So he was turned away more often than he was welcomed in, which is very, extremely tragic. If you think about it, it is us denying a very, very real issue. And we have to understand the Prophet of Allah sallallahu Sallam told us about the importance of hearing and understanding and helping those who are oppressed, that their plight needs to be heard and needs to be addressed. And it is something
that needs to be taken care of. And so we really have to
understand the severity
of this issue. And we also have to understand our religiously, the obligation that we have upon us as a community. If you're not struggling with this even in your own home or your own family.
Thank Allah subhanaw taala. But then also realize that we are accountable as a community before Allah subhana wa tada for the countless people in our community that might be going through this, and that we have failed to basically help them. And so it's a very serious issue. So I just wanted to address the importance of the issue, and thank the organizers and numerous an organization for really, you know, going out of their way to address this topic and issue.
The issue itself today, the topic I have is how to maintain happiness, or how to maintain harmony within the home.
She has touched on a number of the key issues that are very, very helpful in this regard that need to be taken into consideration need to be understood, I wanted to take my talk in a specific direction. When we talk about the spousal relationship, we have to understand the foundation of this possible relationship, what it is and what it requires to be sustained. There are four things that I'd like to point out, there are four areas of concern for areas of work, four types of maturity or responsibility that need to be practiced that need to be understood, in order for us to have healthy marriages, those who are not married, they need to understand these are four areas where they have
to pay a lot of attention. And number two, is that those who are already married, these are constant areas of concern where we have to continue to pay attention, and we have to continue to work on the issue. Number one is physical maturity, which obviously, you know, goes without saying that it's very important, but I'd like to touch on that. What do I mean by that some physical responsibility, of course, not being abusive, not being violent, is one of those issues. At the same time being healthy. You know, a lot of times are a number of health related issues, whether it be obesity, or it'd be just bad health or a lack of sleep, or a lack of, you know, rest and not a proper diet,
whatever the case may be, that can sometimes create health issues that can create fatigue, that can create, excuse me, that can also create,
you know, exhaustion, fatigue, frustration, all these other issues can, you know, be created as a result of somebody not taking care of themselves physically. So having a proper diet, exercising regularly, being healthy, getting enough sleep, making sure that you are well rested, all of that is extremely, vitally important, it is very important, it is necessary, it is vital. So that physical responsibility needs to be there. Otherwise, you're compounding an issue. And it goes without saying, and again, I don't want to talk talk about this too much, because there's other points I'd like to make. But when we, when we fail to take care of ourselves physically, when we fail to take
care of ourselves physically, we a lot of times can also lack in the area of being able to go out with each other, do activities with one another, spend time with each other, especially in this possible relationship. physical intimacy is very important. It is absolutely necessary. She also was talking about the whole issue about,
you know, marital rape and different issues like that. Well, we also have to understand that what can create problems, long term issues within the relationship is when there is not enough physical intimacy between the spouses, and a lack of physical health can be a problem in regards to that. So we definitely have to take care of that we have to work on that. The second area of maturity or the second area of responsibility that needs to be taken seriously, is financial, maturity and financial responsibility. And what does that mean? What that basically refers to as a couple of things? Number one, is that, yes, you know, when we talk about it from a physic from a technical perspective, the
responsibility to provide for the family is that of the husbands, the husband, the father must provide for the family must provide for his wife and his kids. That is his responsibility. Now, again, there are difficult economic times, if both the both spouses are going to work together to pay the bills, that's completely fine. That's a mutual agreement that they're coming to. But if there is a husband, who is not working, who is being lazy, who is not doing his job, who is being irresponsible, in regards to taking care of his family, then that is going to create problems, that is going to lead to some very, very serious issues. And so whether somebody likes to or not, no
matter, you might have been raised with a golden spoon in your mouth by your parents, it does not matter. When you take on marriage, you take on a family, you take on the responsibility to provide for your family, and that needs to be understood accordingly. At the same time, the second issue in terms of financial responsibility and financial maturity is understanding how to spend the money that comes into the house as well. How are we budgeting our money? How are we spending our money, financial, you know, issues are the leading cause of divorce in the United States of America. I understand your organization is based out of the UK, but at the same time, I mean, I'm more familiar
with the statistics here in America. So that's what I'll talk about, but I'm pretty sure it's comparable.
That the leading cause of divorce in the United States of America is,
is finding our financial issues. And so what ends up happening, money is not being spent properly. They're going into debt. They're in over their heads, that leads to frustration and anger and confusion and fear and apprehension. I apologize. My, my kids just came back from school. So they might be causing a little bit of disruption. But inshallah it's about family, right? So it shouldn't be too much of a problem.
So, and that's them playing with their toys.
So what I was saying was, it's gonna be a little difficult Excuse me.
Maria, come in, baby.
I want to go.
giving a lecture. Okay. Maybe. Can you guess complete answers, and I'll be right down. All right. Okay. Don't make noise here. Okay. Oh, you mean, all right. You made this for me does echolocate on Thank you very much. All right, now let me give the lecture Okay, baby, sit down, right, don't make any noise. So pologize. So what I was saying was that it is financial responsibility, financial maturity. So when when the money is not being spent properly, when when the finances are not being handled properly. And now people are in debt people are in over their heads, that leads to the anger, the frustration, the confusion, the apprehension, all the different issues. And what that
ends up doing is that ends up providing that ends up creating more problems. And and before you know it, they're the spouses, the husband and the wife are fighting each other, they're blaming each other, they're at each other's throats. And I'm not justifying domestic violence. But we have to understand everything has everything, you know, it has a cause and effect. And this definitely does contribute to the issue and the problem. So whether we're talking about divorce or marital, you know, bickering and fights, or we are talking about a serious issue, like domestic violence, eventually, these are serious concerns that are at the root of it. So we need financial
responsibility and financial maturity, those who are responsible for earning for the family, primarily the husband, the father need to take their job very seriously. And you know, that might require sacrifices, you might have to work a job that is below, you know, your qualifications, you might have to get a second job, or whatever the case may be, but I have to understand my responsibility towards my family. Secondly, you know, a lot of times we get into the fifth discussion, I'll tell you something, as a student, and a teacher, a fifth.
Fifth is very important. And we need to know our fifth fickle family and all of these different issues. But it also becomes a problem when husband and wife are spitting at one another. You know, your money is my money, and my money is my money and your money is this money and our money and my money. It creates a huge problem. It creates a huge catastrophe. We need to understand that if we are families, and we're living together and working together as families, we need to be making financial decisions together as families. And we need to understand that when it comes to budgeting, when it comes to spending money allocating money, those decisions need to be made as a family that
is not to usurp the position of the husband, or the father, guys.
Don't Don't make noise. All right. Can I show you want to sit with him?
Okay, my name you come sit with me.
He comes in with me. All right. Don't fight with it. Okay. So when it comes to spending money, allocating money and and dealing with money, these decisions need to be made together as a family, the husband and wife need to sit down together and figure out this is not to usurp the husband's position as the mirror of the household or the family. Absolutely not. He's still responsible and in a decision making capacity, but nobody has more authority. And nobody was in a position to be in authority more than 100 the Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but the Quran tells us that our last panel was Allah commanded the prophets a lot he sent him to make sure Ah, well, shall we to
whom fill our Shabbat, the Allahu taala. And he actually says about the prophets, a lot of the temple motto at apcera, Matura, termin, Rasulullah, sallAllahu, Alayhi. Salaam. I never saw anyone making more shooter than the prophets a lot. He sort of whether it was a community or it was the family or it was the household, whatever, whatever the case was, the profits a lot of the same was always making sure consultation and working as a group together. And so we're going to have to learn to make these decisions, especially financial decisions together as a family.
And you know, a lot of times there's a talk, there's a lot of talk in our community today about, you know, Islamic financing and buying, you know, high level mortgages and all these other issues. But what's more important than that and the education that we need in our community
In regards to that is how to budget and how to handle our finances properly. A lot of times people are not very properly educated, they come from homes where there was a ton of debt, then they go to college and they get into more debt, then they get credit cards and they get more debt. And then they get married and they go into more debt, and they have kids and they have even more debt. And before you know they're buried in debt. And then the only option teams is to blame one another to fight with each other. So it's very important that we need financial education, how to manage our finances properly, and pay off our debts properly in the Muslim community, actually, from Pelham
Institute, which was mentioned in the introduction here to my talk.
On behalf of Gollum Institute, a couple of students of mine, who have received extensive training from organizations who have been providing, you know, debt management education, like how to get out of debt and how to manage your finances properly, they've gone through extensive training and disregard. And what they've done is they've been able to put together a project that we, they've launched an E book, it's a free book that people can download, I believe it's like 3040 pages long, it's free, and you can go to debt free Muslims, that is debt free Muslims, the EBT, debt free muslims.com. And you can actually download the E book for free, because we're trying to get this
education out there. We need to educate folks on debt and finances, even within the Muslim community, because the Muslim community is not immune, Muslim families are not immune to these issues. And the same issues are now affecting us as families and as a community as Muslims. And so the second thing that I was talking about was financial maturity and responsibility. The third issue that I'd like to talk about is emotional responsibility and emotional maturity. And that, of course, is very, very important. And that needs to be understood, you know, a psychologist or a therapist would be a lot better qualified than myself to actually talk on these issues. And I'm pretty sure
newer as an organization, is inshallah making that available to the community. But emotional maturity and emotional responsibility is extremely important. And I'd like to just give you a little bit of a snippet of what I mean, you know, again, I'm going to speak from the American, the western perspective that in American culture and American society, from the western perspective, people are very independent and very individual, like, we pride ourselves on our on our individuality. individuality, independence is very important. And we grow up as individuals, and we grow up wanting to be independent. And then when two people get married, two adults get married, you have two
completely independent, very unique individuals whose lives and worlds are now merging together, and they're basically going to become one. When that ends up happening. There's a huge accommodation that has to be made. One of the primary things that I've been talking about, in my travels around the United States,
is, you know, a lot of times in the Muslim community, there's this culture of getting married young. And that's very important. We do need people to get married young, because part of the negative culture that came with a lot of, you know, the older generation, from different parts of the Muslim world was waiting till somebody was 30 to get married. And that's not healthy. So we do need to get married early. But at the same time, when I started to come across was very young Muslims, not understanding the significance of marriage and the commitment of marriage and the emotional sacrifices and responsibilities that have to be made in marriage. There are huge sacrifices and
accommodations and compromises emotionally that have to be made in marriage. Let's say for myself, I'm, I'm an individual, I'm single, let's just say for instance, I'm not married, for example, I live my life on my own, I have my own schedule, I have my own things that I do what I eat, when I sleep, what I do with my free time, how I spend my money, how I earn my money, I do everything myself, I make all my decisions myself, I have no one to answer to I don't deal with anybody else. I am an individual, I am an I am independent. When I get married now, my life is merging with another human being. And we are both at school have to go into make a lot of compromises. We're both going
to have to make a lot of adjustments in that regard. And we're both going to have to learn to meet in the middle. You know very beautifully. The other prophets, a lot of them used to make for a newlywed couple was barakallahu laka laka laka wajima, Bina Kumar and me unite between the two of you, the prophets a lot, he's amazing him to do it, he was including that subtlety, that nuance that you have to meet in the middle. If you are meant to become a couple of a family, a home, you're going to have to learn to meet in the middle, you're going to have to join hands in the middle, not pull each other onto each other side. Because that's not going to last very long. That's not going
to be successful. And so that's what we ended up at what we have happening right now. We either have couples who each one is pulling the other one in a different direction or one person
sacrificing and the other person is not compromising. And one person gets burned out and one person gets enabled. And eventually you end up with a problem on your hands. One person is oppressed, and the other is the oppressor. And that's a huge problem. So we have to learn to meet in the middle. So emotional maturity, and responsibility is very important. And I'd like to talk about that just a second, more sacrifices are going to have to be made, yes, sacrifices, sacrifices are going to have to be made, you know, checkouts are very appropriately talked about how individuals need to be able to maintain their individuality, that you know, a wife, so has her family and her friends. And that
is absolutely true. And her husband has family, as his family as his friends as his activities, his likes and dislikes. And that's absolutely true. But still, sacrifices are going to have to be made. And we're not willing to make those sacrifices. You know, I'll give you an example. One that ends up coming to, is brought to my desk quite often. And that is a couple gets married. The wife was extremely sociable, very outgoing, she would go out with her friends four or five times a week, she gets married, and she expects to keep that up. You know, again, I'm not sure you know what planet you're coming from. But if you have dinner fight, if you're married, and you have dinner five times
a week with somebody else, aside from your family, your spouse, your husband, that's not going to work. On the other hand, another issue I see or that I deal with a lot is that this good brother and his good sister, they get married, the brother was very active, you know, again, socially, you know, Monday night is, you know, basketball night, that's when I go play basketball with the guys Wednesday night. You know, we, we, you know, go we play soccer, we play football. You know, Friday night, I go out for dinner with the guys, Sunday we watch, I'll tell you something, and y'all have the counterpart of this in the UK, in America, especially here in Texas, where I'm from football,
and I'm not talking about your football, we call your football, soccer. I'm talking about the real football, American football. And so football is a huge thing. It's a big part of the culture, much like soccer is for you guys in the UK. What ends up happening in America here in the United States is American football on Sundays, a minimum of three games are shown on TV, each game is about three hours long. So that's about nine hours with some time in between. And so that's 10 hours, that if somebody expects to just sit in front of a television, watch a football game for 10 hours, you know, on and if they work five, six days a week, you're only day offices on day, and I got to watch
football for 10 hours on Sunday, you're going to have problems in your marriage, you are going to have problems as a family, you can write it down. And so sacrifices are going to have to be made, compromises are going to have to be made. And that's very, very important. It'd be fantastic. You know, the wife accommodates the husband says, you know, this Sunday, why don't you watch the game the next Sunday without having to the wife having to ask, the husband says, You know what, don't worry about the game. I'll just check the scores afterwards, lets us go out for a day. Let's just go out for a day. Let's go to the park, let's go to the zoo, let's go for a picnic. Let's go eat out
somewhere. Let's go do something, as a family as a couple. That's extremely important. So those sacrifices and compromises are going to have to be made emotionally we're going to have to learn to grow up, you know if brothers you know maybe if you play video games, you know,
you know FIFA, you play FIFA every night for two hours. When you get back from work and it helps me you know, release tension, it helps me de stress. Well, congratulations.
That I'm very happy for you that you know, FIFA helps you de stress. But you have to understand your wife, someone waiting at home for you all day long. So you have to accommodate. The fourth area of maturity that I'd like to talk about is
spiritual maturity, spiritual maturity, spiritual responsibility. And I'm gonna cut to the chase here we're gonna wrap things up so that we can take a lot of questions, according to what the admin is telling me that we have a ton of questions Mashallah spiritual responsibility, maturity is very important. Last kind of what I'm going to give you some homework, everyone who's watching and listening, I'm going to give you a little bit of homework, I want you to go and look up I am number 238. I am number 238. From sort of tillbaka Allah, Allah says Happy to Allah salatu wa Salatu was ta wakulla carnitine. He tells us to protect and watch and take care of our prayers. What's fascinating
about that, is that that I occurs in the middle of a passage about divorce. So the question that the most Sharon asked here is why would Allah subhanho wa Taala bring up give up taking care of prayers in the middle of a passage about divorce? What's the relevance, what's the connection? Well, the relevance and the connection is that a lot
pinata is reminding us that maybe I'm having troubles in my personal relationships. Maybe I'm struggling in my marriage in my family, because I'm struggling in my relationship with the law. I gotta get my relationship with the law back on track. or a loved one who said men can Alyssa Lattimore the unfunny lady or
somebody who will be irresponsible, irresponsible about Salah prayer will even be will be even more irresponsible about everything else from a later fee. Later on, it'll be okay for a goofy Hello lady, somebody who can be good to his Lord, his master to his robe, Allah, why would you ever expect a person to be good to somebody else, anybody else? So we got to get our relationship with the law back on track.
I don't want to drag this on too long, I want to be able to ask questions, because that's where we're going to realize a lot of the real issues. The last note that I do have to say I feel obligated to mention one last thing. And that is the in law issue. The in laws are a huge problem. in in the in marital problems, they're a huge issue that comes up in terms of marriages and, and the happiness or the harmony or the lack thereof, within the home and in the family. The inlaw issue is a huge problem. And it's something that needs to be addressed very, very responsibly. Again, I'm going to give you a little bit of homework,
you can actually go on YouTube. And on YouTube, there's a lecture that I gave it was part of the normal lung tissue series. Shift Yasser actually talked about the idea, he kind of referenced it very quickly. The title of the lecture is inlaw interference. It's called inlaw interference. And it's about probably about a 20 minute lecture, where it'll give you 30 minute lecture give you a little bit more detail. Definitely do check that out. But what I will mention is one thing, yes, parents have a mate and parents have huge rights over their children. And those rights do not go away, do not disappear after marriage. Absolutely not. But at the same time see, we have to
understand this is because of our lack of understanding of the nature of Shetty Shetty outfit Islam. The Deen of Islam is a comprehensive religion. It's the sum of the parts. You can't take one IO lotta Coloma off Don't even say off to them. That's it. I can't I can't disagree. I can not oblige to my parents request. That's it. It's binding. No, no, no, the Quran is a complete Kitab from Allah. Then we have the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, and everything works together. Align His messengers, a lot of them have also talked about the rights of one's family and once wife and children those who are under my care, he has also talked about them a lot in his messengers, a
lot of him I've also talked about loom and oppression and usurping people's rights. Allah subhanaw taala in the Quran also says
Kunal co wamena, crustacea, Allah, whenever Allah and fusi como invalid any Well, I could have been that Stanford truth and justice and stand as witnesses before God before Allah, even if you have to stand against yourself or your parents or your relatives. That's an ayah from the Quran in surah, Nisa. So we have to understand the full scope of things. Yes, I will not disrespect my parents, I will not neglect my parents. But if my parents are asking me demanding me that I abuse and neglect my wife and my children, I will respectfully say, I love you, I respect you, I will do anything for you. But you're abusing and violating somebody else's rights. And I can't be a part of that.
Similarly, I love my wife, I love my kids. But if my wife and my kids start to demand for me that I neglect and throw away and abuse my parents, I will say I love you, I sacrifice for you, I will do anything for you.
But at the same time, I can't take part. I can't be a part of you asking me to violate somebody else's rights. That balance needs to be there. It is extremely important. And so that's one very important note that I did want to touch on. And I did want to talk about before we just ended the brief session. Again, I'll end with, you know, commending the organization telling everyone to support the organization. Nude project Sakina, which we have here in the United States. These are amazing projects that are addressing domestic violence within the Muslim community support these projects. It is our responsibility. You know, she's asked her was asked that question about the idea
about hitting of the wife.
Again, remember, Shetty works, it's it's the sum of all the parts. It's all the pieces have to combine. There was a Sahaba who came to the profits a lot he sent him and asked him about a marriage proposal. What do you say this person is responding to me?
This person is proposing to me how
Should I respond? The profit or loss allottee some told her that he has a bad temper don't marry him.
The profit or loss of a loved one who's gonna who's a better one, he then the profits a lot he sent them. The profits, a lot of them is selling as a hobby. I don't marry them and because he has a bad temper, is a heavy hand. He's has a bad temper. I've seen him a few times he gets very aggressive very quickly. Don't marry him. It's not good for you. That's Muhammad Rasul Allah is him saying that the Prophet of Allah Salaam the son was told about somebody who used to beat his wife, the prophets, Allah, the son said, He is the worst from amongst us. There's a narration about the prophets, a legend that says he sallallahu alayhi Salaam in his entire life, never struck a woman nor a child.
He never struck a woman or a child. That's the son of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. And that needs to be understood in the Tafseer in the context of the ayah. That's how Islam that's how Deen that's how the knowledge in Islam works. I want to thank everyone for listening, just like Malala played on. And I believe I'm gonna throw it back over to our admin and organizers, the moderator, and they're going to present some questions and shower.
Check for your presentation is very beneficial. We will now move on to be the questions that we have coming in. The first question that we have is what advice do you give for us, the people in society who can actually try and address some of these issues, as individuals and as community leaders and as people in a society? Maybe who don't experience the issue of domestic violence or these problems? How can we get involved?
Very good. It all begins with knowledge, your knowledge is power, it all begins with knowledge and awareness. We have to educate ourselves. Trust me, there are websites like news website, go there, check it out, read the website, find the information, attend the programs, listen in on to these webinars, educate yourself. There are tons of statistics, and there's tons of information that's out there about how series of initiatives So number one, educate yourself. Number two, and also educate yourself as prevention, you know, inshallah, you're a very good person, and you would never abuse a family member. But at the same time, none of us are immune, none of us are angels, you know, so
educate yourself as prevention as well. And then educate yourself to know what the seriousness and the severity of the issue is. Number two, get involved, get involved, you know, the famous quote that, you know, all that evil needs is for good people to stand aside and do nothing. All that evil needs to prevail is for good people saying this, I didn't do nothing. That's exactly the plight of the Muslim community right now. We just stand by, and things continue to happen. And as long as it's not a, it's not affecting me, in my personal life, I can't be bothered by it, I could care less stuff in a lot. This was not the attitude of the prophets a lot. He said, um, I need to get
involved, get involved, help out, volunteer, contribute your money, spread awareness, you know, help them set up the booth at the table, you might be an Imam, you might be a leader in the community, you might have influence, you might be a big donor at your Masjid. Well, it's about time to be through some of that wait around for a good cause. And a good reason. And that is, you know, I know of this organization, they do fantastic work in terms of educating people about domestic violence. I want them to come and make a presentation here on Friday night at our machine, I want them to set up a table in a booth and pass out their pamphlets and information. Because you never know, you know,
what might happen. Not only does the community learn about the issue, and more people will help and support and more people will be aware of the issues. So they they never fall into it. There might be somebody there very quietly, who didn't know where to go to. They didn't know where to turn to, they didn't know who to talk to. And very quietly, they walk by and they pick up the pamphlet from the table and hide it in their pocket, stash it in their purse, and just quietly go home and in the privacy somewhere in the dark little corner. They go go into the restroom, and then they open up that pamphlet, and they're reading and they're looking through and they realize there's help for me.
somebody cares about me, somebody who's worried about me, so definitely get involved.
Next question you have is about the actions of violence that some men take towards their partners. And the claim is that, you know, men are naturally more aggressive, and actually, they're more physical and the anger again, game physical violence anyway, they they know how to deal with the situation. So how would you kind of respond to that?
So, um, I try to, I promise myself, that I'm going to restrain myself and not say the first thing that comes to mind. But you know, sometimes it's just a time to be honest.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard my entire life.
I don't even understand what that means.
are men more physical by nature? I guess. Yeah, you could say that to maybe some extent, but we're talking about in terms of physical capacity. Men can lift more weight. men could maybe run faster. That's that's fine. But that has nothing to do with violence has nothing to do with violence, and also the Lucky's allottee some Do you know how strong Russell Russell autism was? How gifted he was physically. There's I was just sharing this story with somebody in the senior class A few weeks ago with my students. I was telling them that the famous story of Rihanna the wrestler and MCI he was Qureshi strongest man, he was you all Arabian wrestling champion. The prophets a lot of them picked
him up in body slammed him, like pick them up and body slammed him on his back three times. And now so how strong is the profits a lot, he said them and on the other hand, compare that to the fact that the Sahaba are saying the profits let us and never ever, ever as a documented fact he never ever struck never hit a woman, nor did he ever hit a child. So the two have nothing to do with each other. Allah knows best.
Okay, just Okay, we've got a question that's come through, I'm just going to just gonna read it out for the for the benefit of our audience inshallah. And I hope you can comment in afterwards. Okay, the question says, similarly, Come dear brothers, from other senior arranged marriage, and my husband was very abusive, it starts off that way. But it gradually got worse and ended up in hospital. I thought to myself, if I'm patient, Allah will reward me. It did however, get out of hand one day, and I fought back for the first time, hits him over the head with a lamp and left
handed After three years of asked me for divorce, I'm finally free. My question is blood or spirit, and he said, he would never forgive me. I asked a lot, I asked forgiveness from Allah, but his argument be valid on the Day of Judgment.
So hello, um, so everyone can understand the gravity of the sister situation? And of course, you know, we're we're getting a question. And we're, we're, we can only address a question that we're receiving Allah knows best, about, you know, the other, you know, the other side of the story, but addressing the question that we've received,
if that is the case, and the reality, you know, a lot of times when we hear this type of a story, I wanted to comment on this. Definitely, you know, it's easy for me to say this, because I'm not in a situation where I'm being abused.
I'm being taken advantage of. So it's easy for me to say, but a lot of times when we hear, you know, somebody being so terribly abused that this, this, this dear sister of ours ended up in the hospital. And then when we hear in the story that later on, you know, she hit him back in this not be you, it's a natural reaction, want to go? Yeah, like you're watching a movie like something good happen. That's not a good thing. You know, we as a community should have been able to step in and protect our sister from that situation to begin with, but addressing the situation at hand sister,
you did strike him back, you said, you know, blood was drawn? He says he won't forgive you. You know, I really would, I would ask Allah subhana wa tada for forgiveness. But at the end of the day, I really wouldn't let it bother me too much. You were being abused? What else were you supposed to do? Your you know, the family members probably stood by and watched his to community then step in and do anything, nobody did anything for you? What were you supposed to do? And so I really wouldn't let that way too heavy on my conscious, you have your relationship with a love, you know, fix your relationship with Allah. And I really wouldn't worry about this issue too much Allah knows best.
Take another question. And this one, again, is a very important question. The the question that's been raised is if a husband or wife commits fornication before marriage, when they were younger, or maybe ignorant about Islam, and then afterwards they repented, or last ones, Allah, is it necessary to tell that their future spouse or their current partner about the sense that they're committed.
So this is a very complicated issue. It requires a little bit more of a detailed response. I'm going to just give you a couple of basic points with the disclaimer that it requires a more detailed response. So if somebody doesn't understand or doesn't agree with something, understand that it requires more detail. But here's the issue, someone's past or what transpired with a person what they did before they got married, has nothing to do with the person that they're marrying. Now, disclosing all of your sins and telling them about everything that you did before, is not a requirement and it is not necessary for marriage. It is not necessary, it is not a requirement for
marriage. However, there are two things I'd like to bring to your attention number one
I'm just going to use you know two people as an example, if brother Khalid is marrying
sister, Zane up, brother Khalid is men marrying sisters ain't up, brother Khalid, or sisters ain't up for that matter. One of them had a relationship before marriage. And you know, they committed fornication and they had a full on physical relationship before they got married. Now, they don't have to tell one another about what they did before marriage is not a requirement. However, there are two things that need to be kept in mind. Number one, let's just say brother Khalid had a very public affair. You know, he was in college, he wasn't that religious. He wasn't that God conscious. He was, you know, going out with a girl going out with her very publicly. He had pictures up on
Facebook, he used to take her out to the restaurants, he would go to the park and the picnic with her. Everybody saw him holding her hand, going out with her. Everybody knew boyfriend, girlfriend, everybody knew. A couple of years later, brother Khalid has an awakening in his life, you, you know reestablishes his relationship with a law betters his relationship with the law develops, stuck, why? He says no, that's wrong, he breaks it off. He steps away from that a little while like a little while later, he finds out about sisters ain't up. And now they're talking and getting ready to get married. Brother Holly doesn't have to tell sisters enough about all of his sins that he
committed before marriage. But what brother Khalid is going to have to keep in mind is that if he was going around very publicly in the area and sisters aina is from the same neighborhood, the same community, the same area, she's going to possibly end up hearing about it. But what will end up happening, they get married, he doesn't say anything about it, she doesn't ask anything about it. three months, six months, eight months, a year later into the marriage into the wedding, somebody's going to go to the sisters, or sisters a sister or mother or aunt or cousin and say, Hey, you know her husband, man, you know, he had some serious business going on with this other girl. And they
used to go out everywhere together, and they were living together and sleeping together, etc, etc, etc. that word is going to get through, get back two sisters ain't up. She's hearing it from a third party, she's naturally going to become suspicious of the husband. And now we're gonna have a huge crisis in that marriage. If you were in that situation where it was just public, it was blatant, you're better off putting it on the table and saying, look, I was a different person back then. I was a different person back then. And I had this relationship, but that's not me anymore. And you know me, you're more than welcome to take a look complete. Look at my life inside out. That's not
me. If you can believe that. You can be okay with that and not hold that against me, then let's talk. But if you have a problem with debt, we're better off going our own ways. Now, instead of six months later, ending up in a counselor and the mom's office and then negotiating a divorce. Everyone's going to get hurt. Let's just figure this out right now. The second scenario that I'd like to mention what some people might find appalling, but we really shouldn't. It's it's the unfortunate, unfortunate reality in our communities today. If somebody was very promiscuous, somebody had, you know, a few different flings. They slept around a little bit before they got
They need to make sure that they get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. They need to get tested for STDs. They need to do it. And if there is something there, then they need to be open about that with any marriage prospect. They need to be open about that. And if there's nothing there, then learn from the love but they need to get tested for STDs. It is not an option anymore. I don't care how disgusting or how embarrassing or whatever you think it is. If you've had a premarital relationship, get tested. It is very, very important. I dealt with a case not too long ago, sister comes and sits down. Her you can tell from her face her world was destroyed at falling
apart. She starts telling me that she got married to a guy decent guy. He must have had some premarital relationships. He really didn't take it seriously. He didn't look into it. He didn't get tested. They got married. She went in for some other physicals and tests and blood tests and other stuff like that. Doctor calls her in very seriously one day sits her down and says you are HIV positive. You have AIDS who are HIV positive. She her world was destroyed. She said how can that be? I've never used needles have premarital relationships, nothing. She talks to her husband about it. She forces her husband to get tested. He's HIV positive and then he says yeah, I had a few
relationships. I had a few one nightstands before I you know Islam before I got married, etc. But then that was negligence. That was irresponsibility. So that needs to be taken seriously. And then I'll add a third point.
If your fiance or the person you're getting married to or you're considering for marriage or your husband and your wife at this point was open about you look I did have premarital relationships, and this is what what happened and now it's over.
Do and you chose to marry them because they told you they've made Toba. They've repented
They're a different person now. And you chose to marry them. Don't you dare ever bring it up again, I don't care what the fights about I don't care what's going on. Just because you're kind of backed up into a corner, you know, you did something you shouldn't have done to and your spouse sat down your husband, your wife sat down and said, Listen, this isn't right. Why did you do that? We shouldn't be doing that. We made a decision not to spend money here or do this, and you feel backed into a corner and you need a quick when you want to take a jab. You say, Oh, yeah, why don't you just go sleep around some more with some people? At least I never slept around with anyone. That's,
that's, that's, that's absolutely not right. So make sure you don't do that if you do go forward with such a relationship, and alone as best.
Okay, the next question we have is that we're taught that life is a test, are we failing our test? And are we being impatient? If we choose to leave an abusive relationship? are we sending if it prevent our children from meeting the father for this reason? Would it be held accountable for not helping us through these anger management or the issues? It begs us to stay in this relationship?
So very, very good question. So Hon, Allah? That's That's an excellent question. And I'm going to preface the question by saying that my answer will be incomplete. Because I do not have a full consideration of the psychological and emotional impact, we would need a counselor or psychologist to give the other the human the emotional side of it, the psychological side of it. Because this is a really, really deep question.
So from the Islamic perspective,
you know, life is a test. Absolutely. It's full of test. Absolutely. We're rewarded for our test. Absolutely.
is something that is not we're not supposed to put ourselves through that. You know, while life is a test of profits, a lot of them also told commanded the Sahaba. I'm going to narrow satellites a little bit to that we, in the jammy IV mom, Timothy, the prophets, a lot of them reported to have said, the Sahaba say, rather, excuse me. And so you know, Malik says, that Amma rasulillah is a lot is in between today. We, the prophets, a lot of them commanded us to take medication. He told us, we had to take medication, we're not supposed to intentionally put ourselves through hardship. There's no, there's nothing admirable about that. So if you are in a, you are being abused, and you are in
an oppressive relationship, you decide to step away from that leave that relationship, there's nothing wrong that you did, you did not chicken out, you did not have a lack of flour. tawakkol. That's nonsense. And anyone who tries to religiously guilt trip you is wrong. They are wrong, and they are being irresponsible, and they are abusing the deen of Islam, that is not allowed, that is not permissible. So absolutely find your way out of that relationship. You know, maybe if that person can get help makes a promise. But see, that's on that person, you don't have to help that person get better, you step away, you step out from that you call the authorities, you start getting
counseling and therapy, you contact, you know, some, whether it be the mom or your family or an attorney, or whatever the case may be, and you start let your intentions very well known. I'm filing for divorce, I'm getting out of this relationship, I needed a lot of law, I'm out. And if the abusive spouse comes forward and says I realize the error of my ways, I am going to better myself and get help, then that's fine. If you decide that you want to see how this goes, you can wait it out. But that is on that person to go and get help to get better that is their job, their responsibility, their problem.
The third question they're in was, are Is it a sin to stop the children from seeing the father?
This is a really, really tricky issue. Because you're what I would advise in this situation is, if there is like substance abuse, physical violence, violence and abuse, then I think there are serious concerns about the children interacting with such a person. Because that person, and some people are going to argue you can't take islamically you can't take the father's right. No, no, no, nobody's taking the father's right away. The father took his own right away. If he's doing drugs, if he's drinking alcohol, if he's beating people up in the house, he's taking his own right away to his own children. We have to understand that. Number two,
if it's, you know, what the what I would actually advise is, if you feel the relationship with somebody emotionally abusive, I'm not minimizing your suffering and your situation. But what I would advise is you said, sit down with a third neutral party, maybe sit down a counselor, sit down a family member sit down any Mom, I would sit down to third party neutral party and present the entire scenario to them, and then basically say, what do you what would you recommend a recommendation, what would you recommend in terms of my children interacting with their father who has done
XY and Z. And then just so that you know that you're being honest in this situation, and you're maybe not wrongfully keeping the children away from their parents, from the Father because maybe the child wants to once it gets to know the Father. But again, if it's very serious, where it's like, physical violence and substance abuse and alcohol abuse and those types of things, kids don't need to be around people like that. Kids should not be around people like that. I'll give you a statistic, I'll end this answer with this statistic. The University of Columbia columbia university in the United States, very prestigious, they have a research center called the Center for Substance
abuse and addiction, the Center for Substance abuse and addiction, CSI csaa,
they published a research where they said that children that grow up in a home or children who grow up in an environment who witness not even both, even one of their parents,
you know, committing substance or alcohol abuse with an addiction, are 50% more likely to develop an addiction later on in life. So it has a very, very bad effect on our kids. So we have to be careful about.
Okay, the next question you have, again, is a very important question is the issue of a child in a in a relationship. So if a child actually witnesses, their parents being physically abused, or I see something occurring, and how should the child themselves deal with that situation? What do you advise him to do?
In this kind of goes back to the issue that, you know, was talked about in the earlier session as well, we need to get past the apprehensiveness. That hesitation, the taboo that we have in our community, about therapy and counseling, we need to get past that we need to understand it's a human reality, you know, lies telling the profits of money, someone not animal America legal. So that will be my opinion, we know that your heart, your chest becomes tight, you hurt, we know that it hurts you what these people say. So emotional pain, and human suffering is a human reality. I would advise, I would recommend that if somebody grew up in an abusive home and witnessed domestic
violence, and it's had a bad effect on them. It definitely does. If they've witnessed it, I strongly recommend that they go in to get some type of therapy and counseling, and work out these types of issues, because it will catch up to you sooner or later. So definitely go and get some help is what I would recommend.
Okay, just Okay, we've got to take two more questions. And Charlotte, before we end the session. I'm just going to go through the next one, which is the issue of romance and affection, being regarded as a taboo amongst the Muslim community. And surely the issue is that this should be part of our lives, especially in in a matter of time.
So what's, what's the
issue of romance in a marriage, and then within a massive home, why this is such a big topic of why there's so much to discuss these issues or to behave in a kind of romantic way or to discuss these kind of relationship between husband and wife within the Muslim community. Why is this such a sensitive topic?
So, um, so the question is why this has become such a taboo issue and why it's so problematic or difficult to address or talk about in the Muslim community?
That's a very, very good question. That's a very good question. I,
I don't know if I have any one answer as to why it's become a problem. I, I can think of a couple of things that have contributed to it. I do think that a lot of Muslims, like for instance, myself, you know, I was born and raised here in the United States, I grew up here in Texas, but my parents came here from Pakistan. So what ends up happening is that, you know, a lot of folks in the Muslim community, even in western countries, might be coming from another culture, where romance and you know, marital relationships and things like that are just a little bit more, you know, hush hush, or quiet or taboo, and that ends up, we end up translating that culture into the Islamic answer. on
that issue, we end up you know, understanding that to be the Islamic ruling in regards to the matter, and, and so we confuse culture with religion, and that becomes part of the problem. The other issue that I think also contributes to this is when we don't understand, you know, I'm gonna say something very openly and again, I hope I don't offend anyone, but there's a lack of knowledge in our community. We like to think of ourselves as very enlightened, very educated. You know, there's all this information is readily available online websites and classes and
seminars and YouTube and this and that and all of this stuff is there. Fantastic and great. There's still a huge lack of knowledge, basic knowledge about our Deen within the community. And what ends up happening is that when we decide to try to be more religious and pious and righteous, because we don't really know what that means, or what that we don't understand that properly, we end up creating a false notion, a false sense of piety. So not, you know, hugging your wife or kissing your wife is, is piety. It's it's Zoo hood. It's God consciousness. It's ridiculous is what it is. And and this ends up becoming part of the problem. The Prophet, NOBODY'S MORE pious, like the brother,
talking about the process himself. And the most up Hello, and welcome. I am the most knowledgeable amongst you. And Russell has allowed him when he shadow the loved one has asked, What's the first thing you did when he came home she said he kisses me when he came home. The prophets Allah He sent me a check answer probably told the stories, raising his wives, you know, talking about his wives, expressing his love for his wife, in public, all of these things. These were an expression of love. This was romance, the prophets, a lot of them didn't see this conflicting with spirituality or religion in any way, shape, or form. The profit or loss, a lot of them told us about all the alojado
physical intimacy with one spouse is an act of reward, you get reward like a job, like you do for a bad day, you get adjure when you engage in physical relations and physical intimacy with your spouse. So I think these two issues culture and religion, the confusion, the blurring the line between the two, and number two, just the lack of knowledge altogether, so when somebody feels like they need to get more religious, they feel okay, the way to get more religious is now
you know, just become distant emotionally, or physically. And that, that that is actually contrary to the religion itself.
Okay, just often In addition, one last question, which is the issue of a sister, for example, is in a situation where not only is her husband abusive towards her, but also the the children in the relationship themselves are also being abusive or disrespectful, mistreating the sister, then Where can she turns to, to kind of get any help and work and sisters in the sense that that's, that's very difficult. I mean, again, I hadn't, I don't know what else to say. But it's very, very sad, and is exactly what I was talking about when parents behave abusively, then the children will pick up that same exact behavior. So it's an epidemic, it's a crisis.
As far as where this district can turn, and you know, where she can get some help and where she can go.
You know, I would just advise her and suggest her to go and get some help and assistance. You know, I'm going to say one thing again.
If you have an organization like project taking, or nude, especially the organization that's been hosting this webinar, may Allah bless and reward them. If you have access to an organization like nude, go to them and get some help. But if you are somebody who's being abused, you are a victim, and you don't have access to a Muslim organization that's discussing domestic violence, or that's helping victims of domestic violence, then you know, what, that's fine. I mean, just, you know, we have that whole taboo issue, you can't go to the kofod you can go to non Muslims. What are you doing Muslims are behaving like kofod?
What are you doing Muslims are behaving worse than kofod? I mean, is this our right for for a husband and for the kids to be beating their mother and their wife at home? I mean, this is this is terrible. So we before we get all high and mighty on some sister who was being beaten to death at home, about how dare you go to the kuffaar, right, like what about us who are behaving like a bunch of kofod so we need to take that into consideration. So I would tell my dear sister is you go to anybody that can help you and our moderator is saying that inshallah he will mention specifically how you can get some help and where you can go to get some help in sha Allah.
Okay, just looking at Shakira, that's it thank you very much for your presentation and your advice has been very beneficial for all of us. And we hope that our listeners can really benefit from this and and inshallah take some take some lessons from us going forward. Baba Garfinkel, pleasure was all mine. And again, it's it's very humbling and it's very rewarding to be able to help at any level with such a worthy cause. To come alongside on please remember me and my family near to us. Salaam Alaikum.