Channel: Yaser Birjas
long time ago, I remember reading a statement. And it was beautiful Stadium in regard to the relationship between a man, his mother and his wife. The statement goes like this,
a man has given birth, or a man is born twice,
the first time,
the first time by a woman who gives him his life, that's what it was.
And the second time by a woman who gives them her life.
So the first count is borne by the woman who gives them his life
as his mother. And the second time is born by a woman who gives him a head of life.
That's why they said, behind a Rain Man, there's a woman who's helping and both of his life. However, I want to make a disclaimer, I truly believe in that statement to be true. Still, though, the truth of the matter is that there is one woman who can really give him both. And this is the only woman who really have given both Dallas, his mother,
she gave him his life, and her love.
We all know how much women mothers sacrificed their lives for the sake of their children, they're willing to stay up all night, and then continue the rest of the day, struggling and fighting and with, with your sickness, and disease, and what your company's lack of, you know, sleep and food and so on. And they're willing and they cry for you. So how long, they put so much effort, they put so much effort seeking your comfort, not
the only comfort they get for themselves with this view, but it comes from
when you get married, they're also so excited and so happy for you that they see you happy. They're so happy that they feel happy. And now they're handing this responsibility over to the next to the second woman. This is another second moment in your life would be your one. Somehow I often joke about this in my class of my lectures about men, and I said to the
ladies, you have no idea when we first got married, when you get better. That's when I got the first baby, the only column husband
because he becomes your first child, you treat him in the same way he needs attention. He sometimes
It's part of the package. You get married, you got your first wedding handler.
So in that sense, I learned that this woman also worked with this man. They make him the way he is to become a successful leader, a successful diet.
A successful teacher, a successful engineer successful without the backing of your family, you won't be where you are today. Hamdulillah, your mother Shimon and amazing job and big enough to lead to one level. But then it's really a competition and race. So she's handing it over to the next woman right now, in your mind.
on Mondays. He was asked about you know, congenital basic and women and mothers and obese have a lot of a sudden have been asked to go and separate his parents. And the man wants to live in Jefferson Villa, and the property lost
his mother, so the profit center serves as your conservative, conservative model. For any legitimate gun, please make a smarter way to cry for any male gentlemen. The gates of Paradise are just right there underneath your feet. And that's why they say agenda to data
that is generated underneath the feet of these models.
No one can really substitute your model. When you look at real life. You see that just like another photographer?
also the one would struggle.
So how about we have a situation here? There's your mom. What is the dilemma?
I have people coming to me complaining and saying yes. My wife. She wants me to do this. And that was my mom's not happy with she she's asking me to cut ties with my mom. And sometimes the mother. The woman comes to me and
he doesn't want her to talk to her parents. He doesn't want her to visit her parents either.
your current time between loners. And because of that, a husband and wife are put in a very difficult situation choosing between their family and their spouse to be just together for a few months, or maybe two years, we have a situation, I would like to share with you a few scenarios that I'm sure that we all have people around us
who go through these examples. Number one is the first.
is he has two brothers, he had no sisters, meaning he had no experience dealing with women, just boys in the family. And he sees his parents grow old. Now the director age, this man gets married by now. So he wants his wife to serve the spirits for him. He gets
to provide service for the spirits, there is nothing wrong with that, but demanded that was not their daughter.
There is too much unless you do it with love.
Unless you do it with love with passion and compassion, that becomes a situation. The woman she resists and becomes a village. And it's acquired.
And the manager says what is my mom first, otherwise, you have no place. Another scenario,
a woman who has no brothers.
She only has sisters. So she only knows how to deal with what she was never exposed to men previous except her father.
She doesn't know how to deal with the man. She gets mad
at her parents, because no one else is going to take care of her parents. He's about the content of his own parents, but my parents who is there for them.
So they're 42. And if you can help me help my parents, I'm going to have to work outside the house to provide income for my parents who are getting old right now. They're not getting you know, stressed out because of this new situation. Whether the X would love with passion and compassion and in braces, her parents like him, or image resists so much. And so much fitna for them in the family therapy scenario, Amanda to get married, and they live far away from their parents. There is a family on their own, away from their parents, their parents, they have nothing else but this but this is the carrier that his wife is getting pregnant, their daughter, she's she just gave birth to
a baby. And they don't have the pleasure of seeing their grandchild rolling their eyes, and they put so much pressure on them.
So everyone starts pulling towards their direction. And they've done to solve the problem. They get to divorce cases, and so many so much. So many scenarios are just examples of many scenarios. And by the way, I want to talk about three scenarios. These are real scenario that I dealt with.
And these are real people, that they go through so much trouble because of these things.
Usually when it comes to
this, basically upfront, he gets engaged with what the first thing he said to her. My mother first,
which is true.
He says My mother always comes first. Because
you said your mother, your mother, your mother, what this man is telling his wife.
He's just trying to solve priorities right? But he doesn't understand that he's telling his wife, you have no place for you. In my heart. He doesn't understand.
You might be right. But the way you express this is absolutely wrong.
You must be so right. about showing passion and compassion to your age. There is no doubt. But the way these young men and women when they get married, the way they express the slope to the parents or another spouse to their parents, because there's so much jealousy and troubles to them. You have to be smart and educated young men and women.
They're supposed to be in school, they went to college and they went to graduate school you're talking about is 68 years of formal academic education, but very, very poor social skills.
Very cool social skills.
They were not trained to do. They haven't learned to prepare themselves for marriage. That's why we've come to the parents and wives, they have no idea how to handle this issue. So Pamela says, examples, a girl's mother in law.
She remember this guy.
But I don't know, just that like she she grew up to live her fantasy of getting married to this guy. And now she got
most of all that fantasy.
But there was a woman pulling the challenge down, then it becomes, which is that young lady.
And sometimes she calls that guy and she says, this new mothership,
blah, blah, blah, and the guy.
You tell me
the problem that most of these ladies they say, Oh, no, it's your problem.
So basically, you know,
if he's responsible, solve the problem, do not create the first lesson
Domine, we are responsible to solve the first
issue. But also we have
a guy who also gets married only to enemies, who are supposed to be his mental
Why? Because it cost me so much.
And now he's interfering in the relationship. So he has an enemy, although the mouse was a new model.
and also put some stress on
in front of him, your father said, your father, your mother.
And she just eventually she feels sort of insecure. So she comes from she's a warrior, which doesn't
So they put so much pressure, and so much trouble among themselves.
There are so many differences between parents and spouses, I would like to share with you some of these differences, major issues that we haven't
showed you. Number one,
the number one issue that
spouses usually copying, they usually copy their parents model of motherhood, or parenthood in this case. So they always copy the model that they have lived with. And that's the model the parents. So what they do, they're comfortable with the relationship and see the parents, even though they have some some ups and downs, but
there is no more.
So there must be successful. So whatever they did,
they copy the model down, we are successful to them.
And I believe that I keep telling these young men, Listen, don't copy your father's model into marriage. Take his wisdom, take his experience, but don't copy it. Because what
I said is you father, married you want I would say the man would not go as well as was between your father and your mother.
But this is what for them. So do not copy the model of your parents completely. 100% number two, the romantic love and the practical love women they come to marital relationship with this again, fantasy with romantic love. They want everything to be rosy and flowery and chocolatey. And
sometimes they have a lot of practicalities. Okay.
The smell of tobacco.
And they want to continue the honeymoon forever.
But still, sometimes because of the culture, the upbringing over here, they've seen so much so much fantasy on TV and fairy tales and all these things. Now they want to build houses. How many guys how many of you have seen planning a wedding party to be able to count calculate that will be actually over maybe 5243 parties for seven days, seven nights and all the different cultural different films and dresses and he just do all that stuff. So have a lovely look as
I had mentioned one
We won't see the last one. But in talking about Muslim,
Muslim when it comes to people over $4 million
in two different helicopters.
they have to some creativity, they brought them flying in for
spend in one night.
So this basically fantasy world, same thing with come to the practical version, the man who comes to America, he tries to move on afterwards, most of the more practical and calculates everything by the penny and so on. And that creates so much trouble between.
I've seen so many people break up engagement, because of the dominant one, when it comes to the shadow, he wants to pay $10,000 her family said 25,000 Okay, we're gonna invite 400 people, they say no 150 more. So they fight over these issues, why it's between the fantasy.
And that's why they give so much troubles, who is pushing all of this, sometimes parents are involved. So his parents, they want to live in the number
one center, okay, we'll do that.
We want to invite 50 more people from our family outside. And that also creates fitna between them. So you have the love between you fell in love between your parents, and also your spouse. Number three, what I call territorial war between the wife and the mother.
How's that? You know, the guy has married the girl she does that she believes that he can talk to the family. And she deserved it. She can.
When she comes into the house, she feels that she's part of the formula. So she wants to go to the kitchen to help groundless folders, open the fridge on song. But suddenly she does some resistance from the model.
Particularly as they get mad, and they live with their parents.
Now that's the substitution you can use.
Your mind wants to prepare a breakfast for you and her that's your first breakfast. She wants to show her talents. But she wakes up she goes down to the kitchen. She finds her mother about Mashallah. She was up from three o'clock in the morning.
Breakfast, and everything has
And she wants to feed her son to beat
the girl after one time two times. never happens. Because
she's not allowed to talk.
She can do this, she can do that. All this will happen exactly.
The lady she wants to throw her character is over this guy. And he wants to talk about this guy. And they overlap in one area.
territory where they overlap. They fight over the
same thing might happen between the husband and his father in law, his mother in law's territory.
The lady she wants to kill her daughter. And the daughter is also put in restaurant
essentially because she is ripped between her husband and her mother. And he's also between his mother and his wife. When excessive, wear excessive love to one party because so much bias and injustice. You know, love can really cause so much bias and injustice. They want to spread the word about the distorted busybodies around. How would you describe and deal with love? She's a lost part of the center. The ladies were gossiping her speak about her relationship with her slave man. They said, Sha,
Sha, is that very thin spleen tissue have covered the hall. So the basic machine
or is above four
is penetrating the heart between that screen and that the muscles of the heart so there is no escape. It's right there.
So that excessive love Monday to so much clients and injustice, excessive love to the parents, not because of justice to your spouse, and except the doctor spouse can
Because big damage to the relationship between you and your parents, this is for both men and women. And number five, when a spouse is put in a position to choose one side, imagine yourself in that position, your husband is telling you listen, it's either me or your mom, or Dad, you said, most women, most women, What is that for? The man expects his wife to say, it's you.
That is what you said. But the 21st century living in America, Jenna Salama.
There's a huge cultural shift.
There, the guy wants to
call your mom, the girl willing to say, you know what sounds like
an adult situation like this. Because the
Navy supports universe opinion on is why so
many 5060 years ago.
So I count myself.
After that, it changed. It would shift the huge cultural shift to demand and you have to prepare yourself for this change. Now, I'm not saying this is right or wrong right now, as much as explaining to you what is already on what's going on? Or what is happening. So how can we do this? How are we going to do that?
Here's my suggestion.
measures. Number one, the first one.
Do not substitute. Do not substitute your parents, for spouse. And vice versa. You know that that mean? Your wife can never be your mother.
And you know how can never be
set up to the downside is exactly the same.
That means your father can never be your mother.
And your mother can never be your wife. Don't try to substitute many, that's what they do.
And even when they want to do that substitution, they try to make replacement. It doesn't work while serving your husband, your father, your father, basically, if you say that, please. Okay.
and your mother, when you come to mama,
she would do she will sacrifice her life.
But you watch my son, why.
So if you try to substitute that image of your mom and your dad in the relationship, you
keep them separately. Put that in your mind separate otherwise, you can
see that when it comes to the subject of how the husband is actually a very high level in terms of his position. You know,
how much love they have Richard
was coming back
after the last one was about 70 shillings. When they were coming back Sunday they received them expecting their husbands, their brothers, the fathers and a woman wasn't seen and she was looking to see where it was.
your father fallen, because
You know your brother
also died. She was
there when she was told and your husband is monsters.
That was sad crying and wailing and basically she's crying. The Prophet says. He says
the position of the husband for a woman is so special.
I mean, she was a good father because he expects her.
She expects the rose out of her brother, but her husband is dead. So do not force your wife to substitute to that level. When becomes complete transformation completely. Keep it so. Number two.
A parent or your parents were the reason for your existence, not your spouse.
You can't substitute them because your parents were the reason behind you exist in this world.
Not your spouse, no one
during the holiday season and he was telling his mother on his back during the performance of the season can be
Like, I saw that with my own eyes.
I saw that with my own eyes. I was so proud of this man. He was old himself. Maybe he was in his 50s. Perhaps, he was kind of this woman. Or she is so old age women, her babies and the body and it must have shrunk so much. She was very tiny. And she wasn't as bad. He was holding the walking distance.
For Mina got a lot of walking together. I was walking next to him, I was so proud of him to see where is he from? He was not a designer. And I was so proud.
I thought it was gonna happen to story with all of this. When the man came up.
To me said, I didn't have to like this. Did I pay her back, but she did to me.
Not even one blow, which was
not even one of these. Deliberately, whatever you do, you will never substitute. So you put your mom and dad level of respect that come to what? She's also another special person?
Yes, you must say.
But yeah, you will never address the theme.
Because of you, because of what you do. You must have
stone blocks, there will always be traces of pain that you've entered.
So therefore, you wouldn't eat in that position. And they deserve respect and love. Also, number three.
Remember that the bowl can be your gate or the gym, you the most convenient way to obtain your money.
When it comes to why profits are
the best among all of you.
Is being so good.
That you are so you are you possess the qualities of a gentleman
on the property, that certificate of being good. What does that mean? You are
I've had some philosophers
issue. One of them says,
He says, I really he says, I love my life passionate. Because I love my life so much. You know why? You might say what I love about life. I love my life so much. Because I'm ashamed of the tears of my mom, if I die during the lifetime.
I'm so ashamed of the tears of my mom, if I die during her lifetime, that she will cry. And that's why I make I mean, I was careful with my life. I don't want to die causing pain to my mom.
You don't want it anyway. But he's so clever.
So he doesn't want to go into into
another very famous statement by Napoleon. He said the woman who rocks the better the tip of the baby when the right time, she rocks the entire world with a left hand
basically shows the men who would come to the table afterwards. I mean, this is these men they grew up after they were raised by these women.
I want you to understand why you cannot substitute your parents with your spouse and vice versa. Because the law
and the law for your parents is given
and the love of your spouse is
you know regardless, as bad as you can be.
As bad as you can be. Your parents will always love you.
Your parents will always love you. I had a situation when
someone's child chose to leave Islam
he chose to leave Islam. His parents remain for more than a year or so gone after him. And after that they come to me and talk to me about it. And I could tell you that they still love them.
They're so hurt so guilty, so painful situation for them, but they just cannot stop loving their job.
he's not good for you.
Please come on as
he was, last minute, he had this caption to executives job, you want your spouse, your husband cannot get the
if you act good, you're so good, not
bad, a long time not true.
You sleep on the couch.
So this is absolutely true.
Don't just substitute.
Even though just like I said, All this is given for the parents, but your spouses can give you things your parents cannot support your spouse.
Number one, number one thing that your parents cannot give you and your spouse can give you, his parents.
You can't be a father or mother, without your spouse can be.
So they give you the fulfillment of being a parent, when you get married, when she gives birth to the child is going to calm down.
And your husband's going to give birth to help your child we're calling mom. So they give you this and
they become now the parent of your of your child, they give it
to somebody else.
And this money for you. And they give you that fulfillment that you cannot find with your parents. Yes, you might find it beautiful.
the spouse ourselves, because
you will find you will find peace and tranquility with them. The second area I would like to discuss with you do not compare your spouse to parents, do not compare them to your parents house. Number one, your parents do their time and your spouse, his or hers, which means
is also the product of his or her time.
thought about the law, he advised parents, he said I would love to listen and larger money. When you raise your children, you better teach them to prepare them for their time, not your time.
Because they want to live a time other than yours.
best way to prepare them for that in the future. Number two, your parents wisdom is so valuable. Your parents wisdom is so bad
is also true.
As humans, we would love to achieve things right? You know. And if you have a job, you don't go after
the champion. Why? Because if you do that, you might trip and fall and you're gonna hurt yourself. Guess what, in what you've done to the child.
Give them a
limit go up and see what happens. And also what does that mean? And exactly they want they want challenges in their lives. That's how we live
Yes, we collect from the wisdom of the experience. But again, what worked for them my current production here is that what really worked for your parents and has worked for you.
So therefore, not everything that your father your mom as well as in regard to your relationship with your spouse might work for you.
Simply nothing your wife tells you is not ideal.
Whatever husband tells you about your parents
so you need to understand that there are differences but that doesn't mean to please the the legacy of our parents.
Our parents know not the true love experiences we can benefit from but at the same time, we need to them in some room to make some judgments to fit different times. And the third area my husband Charlottetown here is love them equally. Loved in a minute your spouse and your parents, but differently.
You love them
but different. You know what if you took me to give you an example,
which one is heavier,
a ton of steel, or a ton of cotton,
which one is heavier, 1000 kilos of cotton
is still heavier,
still feel heavier, right? But the tongue
and the tongue
of cotton in terms of weight, they're the same. However, the side
which one is
encounter spouse loving equally, but differently.
So you will not be so heavy to local. But commerce in different areas depends on who you're dealing
with your spouse. And
so number one, the love of your parents should be greater than the love
There is no law, because that's
when the man
was entitled to the best companionship. The master philosopher said your mother first. Then the man said, okay, who's next? represent your mother? Not surprised? Because it felt the same answer right? He said they also
said your mother. After the third time the man realized oh, so he was repeated. And
then he just he said, I gotta tell us, oh, now Muslims, when is your fall?
So they come?
It will come next. However, when I say that, but that doesn't mean that you are completely justified in that fashion. Because like I said, the law is heavy in both areas. But it's done differently. For a woman, the obedience, the obedience to her husband,
is greater than obedience to her parents. Look at the word
forbidden? Did I say Allah?
because that's what the problem is.
When it comes to love, you can love your parents more than your spouse. But when it comes for the sake of the family, Europeans, when it comes more and more,
for the sake of
you will be obedience to God becomes very important, you might say, but how can a woman obey someone she doesn't love? Well, that's what we have when you put love into practice, in real life. That's how things sometimes for some people, they just figure for the sake of the children, not for the sake of their own.
This is an amazing, beautiful experience for marriage. But some people they choose to do. They want to sacrifice some of the things for their children. That's what their parents, that's what we love our parents. So it might happen in real reality in real life. Number three,
do not confer love, which means love your life balance should be loved.
And love your spouse, like a spouse should be loved. If you stop loving your husband, like you do with your father, you're going to confuse your husband
is going to be confused.
But sometimes, they just can't make these plans. So they start basically merging these images.
Of course, in a different way, the way they discuss matters when it's given because, like my father, my father asked him for
And that's why I said he will turn on their love for you. And you will not it's given by virtue of giving birth to them.
What your spouse needs to earn.
So you need to give a lot he needs to be as well so that we love him. That's how it works.
And the love of her husband, she needs to be nice in that relationship.
And number three number four, by the way is how I mean that's that brings me to the last panel about the difference between you know the look for
what is the most
beautiful two requirements Allah says, what,
that you lost your parents hello to them. Jenna. This is an Arabic expression, the wing of the
the humility of mercy. That's how you basically,
you always act in humility when it comes to your parents.
But when it comes to the spouse, for
wa, ma ma ma, ma ma he placed between you mawatha, which is that kind of love and Rama Mercy. Mercy was mentioned in both examples for the parents and for the for the spouse. However, the parents, there's humility, there's humbleness, you show that weakness that
you can't be.
But with your response, it's love and independence.
So that's completely different from
the success of your children is the continuation of your success. More likely, successful children must have a lesson. That is the legacy of your parents.
Because it's not the case, when I last spoke about that man who
was about to fall apart. He said, Well, can I go home on Saturday? The father was righteous man. You know, some of them. They say there wasn't that immediate father I know that speaks about the seventh grade grandfather.
Look how far that goodness can be traced in the family line. So that the continuation of the family and finally,
this actually, the love your spouse, for both of you for the men.
For the ladies, love your husband, just love your spouse, because your children will learn from you will learn from you how to love both their parents and their spouse.
So don't tell them to us.
Don't have children twice. If you love your spouse, that's what they teach your children
to see in loving parents, fancy loving husband and wife
so do not feel your children.