Channel: Yaser Birjas
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What are different ways that a married couple can keep the fire burning in the relationship as they progress through their lives together? I say they need to pay their gas bills
now on a serious note
they need to pay their gas bills. What I mean by that now the gas that fuels the love and what is it the sacrifice the price for showing your love to your spouse, you know, in the in love and the honeymoon phase that we spoke about? Why did this woman like this guy? Why did this guy like this woman? Why is because they showed them love? And what's the meaning of showing them love? It's not about sentimental thing that you just express you know, an empty talk about some people they say, No, they show it in action. Remember the last time for the guys when the last time you told your wife Honey, I love you know how much I love you. But she wasn't convinced by that. She she would say
I don't see it.
And the man would be just kind of puzzled. How could you see love? It's something in the heart, right? Well, it's just yeah, that's what we think. But if you really have it in the heart, it has to show in the actions. That's what they mean, which means they need to work on loving one another. There are many actually ways of keeping the fire burning in the house in a in a positive way. And these are what they call them love languages are the languages of love. Some of these languages of love is words of affirmation, such as always say thank you to your spouse, regardless, always say thank you to your spouse, brothers and sisters will lie even even to the most obvious thing. What is
the most obvious thing for a woman who spends most of her time taking care of the family and the house and the children? The man needs to cut every now and then say thank you, jack aloka for taking care of the children. There's like a lot hyper taking care of the house. They don't hear that very often. Same thing for the wives when you see your husband coming back from work. This is obvious he does that every day almost. It doesn't hurt you to say the soccer locker for working so hard for your family. When he goes to work. Does that colossal mela reward you for taking care of your family. These words will lie they make big difference in their life, for the most obvious things,
just being thankful and grateful to them. Also thoughtful gifts like they asked for. In addition to that spending quality time something that they need from you in the visible attention, both husband and wife. And again, remember that when you speak the language you need to be bilingual. The way you understand love, you need to understand from their perspective, not just from your own perspective, do your best and show love the Baraka wattana.
And by the way, just hammer something that just remember right now, and regard to the concept of love, you know, sometimes husband and wife the way when do they? When do they try even to solve the problem? They don't they have different understanding of when do we need counseling for husband counseling is like shooting the shooting himself in the foot young. It's like a no no thing for them. Women are more willing because they always look for improvements. So they don't they don't mind if you they can bring someone in to help them out with their situation. They don't have any problem with them. Men, they have this ego thing so for them to bring some of them outside. Listen,
I don't want anyone to know about this issue. Well, here's the thing. Men and women they think differently about the problem. Women they need assurance every time man they wait until it breaks down then we fix it. It just like the concept of I bring an example sometimes with the rain, rain, just like the drops of problems. One thing that you need to know about problems and about troubles and about trials and tribulations in the you know, in marriage, that the most interesting thing about them in marriage, they are actually sold daily. Which means that on daily basis, there is no break. There is no weekend there is no vacation from troubles. You choose when to take breaks from
that based on your attitude and the way you deal with these things. So rain drops of rain are they signify the problems for men and women? When it started raining when it started raining for the guys, obviously for the ladies, when do ladies when do you turn on the windshield wipers?
When when you start raining when exactly do you turn on the windshield wipers?
Most women most women they say at the first drop.
they're at the first start. Why? Because they're always alert. They want to be ready and they want to just they anticipate struggles right? So they start turning it on. What you don't realize that sometimes in the rush of making that judgment, what do you do? You mess up the whole windshield
there isn't enough water to wash it.
So you mess it up. And that's exactly what happened. The man made an innocent mistake. You're going to bring the entire laundry, you mess it up completely. Take it easy. Sometimes, you know, when something really serious, you can bring it up. But if it's 123 drops, wait, just wait, it's not worth creating a problem or a fight over this issue for the guys, when do you guys turn on these wipers?
When you can see through.
Most men when they cannot see through, I remember even one time I was driving with my wife, and it started raining as a man, it's raining. So what? And I could see my daughter told me, don't you want to turn the wipers.
I said, Yeah. And I just kept driving and talking. And I could see my wife's hand is reaching out.
Trying to turn it on basically just saying, Come on. Eventually, it's an interesting thing, some hannula. That's how men and women, they look at problems, how they see these things. So for husband, wife, further guy, don't wait until you cannot see through. Because sometimes when you try to turn on, you would realize that your wipers doesn't work.
Or you haven't changed it from last season. So even as you try to clean it, what happens, you leave a lot of streaks there, that you will never be able to finish it or fix it until you stop, you put investment, you're going to buy a new one, put it there, and then you clean by that by the time you do that it stopped raining.
It stopped raining, but you've lost them for the rest of their lives and your life. And for the ladies, don't turn the problem right over from the first voyage. I mean, sometimes it's worth, you know, just being patient, okay, I'll forgive him this time. Second time, when you start raining enough that you know that is gonna clean that up, then we'll bring it up, when it becomes something that's really worth of making an issue out of it, you can do that. So make it balanced in Charlottetown.
Is it haram to fall in love or to be in a relationship with someone before marriage? A lot depends. If you're talking about someone that it's approval between a husband between families that this is basically or now an engagement period, fall in love with them. That's no problem with them. But if someone so that you propose later on when you know that all odds are going to be against you. I think it's extremely dangerous to take that route. Because if you check the reality of marriage, the reality of marriage, as those who are married, most likely they're married to someone who was not their first love.
Most likely, and they're still happy and will live happily ever after inshallah. So don't risk it, I would say do not risk it. I'm dealing with some cases where brothers and sisters boys and girls, basically some of them are mature even in their 20s they go out to to even graduate school. And unfortunately, they're falling into that close to the heroine.
They're very close. Basically, they're doing everything except for that.
So for me, I said, What do you want me to answer you?
Are you already know the feeling guilty? That's why you send me the answer by email. So I would say stay away from that. And it's not really worth it to risk. It's something you need to know about when people really when people want to get married.
They're serious about it. And if they're not ready for it, they're going to damage their future. I have so many cases where people want to come to propose they ask about the history. They said, Did you know anyone before? How much should I know? How much should I dig to ask about and so on. And that's why many kids they love to marry someone from another city. Why? Because they know too much about the person's the fact that the people in that in that area. So the guy in this area he doesn't want to marry any girl from the area because I've heard a lot so about to take someone from somewhere else that is completely they're completely oblivious about their interaction and so on. I
would say it's very dangerous. Be careful with that.
Okay, this question is actually supposed to be part of the love notes classes. Like why do why do sisters parents only require engineers and really good looking brothers and look past good manners Dean heart and obedience to Allah subhanho wa Taala First of all, my dear brothers, I hope this is coming from a brother, I would love for you to
to work on your self esteem.
If this is how you see yourself, then that's your problem. Work on your self esteem. And if they say no to you, they're losing not necessarily you.
At the same time. If they're saying no to you might not necessarily be because you're not an engineer. That's because
As a matter of maturity compatibility work on the other qualities. Michelle, Donna.
Okay, if anyone, they're asking about marriage counselors, if anyone wants a counseling they can send to Muslim family [email protected] and inshallah, from there you could do some scheduling within the larger region, again, Muslim family consultant [email protected]
Okay, the situation here also, I have been fully supporting the house for the past three years, my husband seems to be a female asking the question, he lost his job three years ago, Hamdulillah, I have a well paying job. And it becomes frustrating. Doesn't a situation like this kill love. I also feel like I have surely lost respect, and so on for the man and the father of the kids. It's truly as a problematic situation. I mean, this is not just
an isolated incident. It's becoming a mainstream and a common situation where many men are losing their jobs and the women are supporting the household. This is one of the the dangerous scenarios and situation that kills not just love, it kills also the marriage, because one of the things a woman really look up to her husband, is him being taken care of the household and take the responsibility. Yes, he lost his job. So it depends on how much he's doing to get to earn and find another job if he's just, you know, taken advantage of his wife or just taking you know, a backseat waiting until things improve for him not taken serious action, I will suggest that he needs to work
so hard on this. Again, if they need any counseling, they can shallow data check to that email.
Can a man have multiple wives in USA?
And what Islam says about it? What can be the reason for a man to have more than one wife? Well, can a man have multiple wives in USA? Well, the answer is yes, absolutely. As a matter of fact, USA is a country that has perhaps perhaps the highest the highest rate and the highest percentage of practicing polygamy. The only difference they don't call them wives, they call them girlfriends.
So it's the same thing, the same concept, but they don't call them wives. And in America, as far as I know, you're not allowed to have more than one wife however, they're on their own mind you you know cohabitating and living with many women's as long as you don't call them wives or don't you don't register them wise. So from a legal perspective, there's a loophole in the system. Not not it's not for the Muslim to take advantage of the many activity people take advantage of this. Look at the moment church, for instance, and others, it's because legally, you cannot register more than one one. As for having multiple women in your life, that's up to them. islamically of course, why is
that? Why why women? why a man can take more than one there's more than answer for this but the simple thing is that Islam is a very practical religion. This is a solution for a real crisis. If anyone has a better solution to solve the you know the the number of women's always basically outnumbering men bring it to me, I'll be more than happy to help with that inshallah. But Islam doesn't doesn't beat around the bush. It's very direct, very practical. We have a lot of women without husband, what can you do about this issue? As a matter of fact, I had some sisters came to me angry, they were angry in my face. And they say you should you imagine you guys are betraying us.
So how come? They said, because you're not vocal enough to support our cases, this lady she know that she can never be a first wife anymore. She knows herself, her situation, her age, whatever situation is going through, she might not be able to successful to find a guy to marry him when he's not married. So therefore, she said, Alex, I'm okay to be a second wife, third wife. You guys need to be vocal to advocate for our cases. I said, why not? You know what, you're right. We are not vocal enough read about this issue. However, we are just, it's a tightrope for us. We live in a situation that we are not it's not easy for us to talk about these issues without being harassed or
being looked at in a in a certain way. So therefore, I cannot say more than this. It's a real crisis that requires a practical solution. Well, lohana
question how can someone fix marriage when use a patient with the husband
Who doesn't want to pray or connect with the last panel without being spiritual with me? Basically, how can we do that? How can this into why? And it always affects the intimate relationship? It's a very serious matter really. And even when he says, I love you, it just I can't say it back. She says, He says, I love you but I just cannot buy this again remember, because you need to love her the way she understand love. When it comes to spirituality, just like I said, spiritual failure is a crisis that kills marriages. So therefore men and women, they need to work on that individually. And for the lady, not labuda malice positivity for your patience. I hope if you can make a plan, like
making your dollar project, talk to somebody that you know who can help ensure a low dollar bring this husband to his senses, hopefully shall if you bring someone from outside, they can help with that because usually husband and wife, it's very hard for them to take advice from one another. That's why Allah azza wa jal in the Quran, he says sabato Hakuna Minnelli, how come I mean earlier, you bring arbitrator or representative from her side, and one from his side so you can talk to each other. Otherwise, from a husband and wife, it might be very hard and difficult to take naziha advice from one another. So bring someone from outside would be better shall altana
was there a hadith to the effect that marriage increases love?
The marriage increases love.
I'm not really sure about the wording if you know anything about the wording of this hadith bring it to me.
Okay, can we talk about rolling of sharing husbands or wives secret issues, while husband and wife they need to make sure that whatever, whatever happens behind closed doors, particularly their bedrooms, these are confidential conversations and confidential basically practices. You have no right as a husband, wife to go out in public talk about what happens in your bedroom. By any mean, this happens between girlfriend boyfriend, everybody's talking about these issues. But husband, wife, they show respect to them. So a guy comes to talk to the friend, his friend, and he says, Wow, you have a hot girl over there. But it says By the way, there's my wife said, Oh, I'm sorry.
They show respect with a wife, but it is with a girlfriend, whatever. So islamically, there is no excuse when it comes to people leaking these views about their intimate life and so on. That's one thing. Second, even if they have some issues, if they have some issues a wife, if she has an issue with her husband, it's it's recommended that you keep it confidential to work it out with your husband or your spouse together. Same thing with the husband, there's actually when your wife tried to work it out together. Don't take it outside until there is no other option or no other solution. One thing men they need to understand women, they talk about problem men, they keep silent about
them. That's the natural thing. Women when they're in trouble, they like to take it out. Men when they travel, they like to take it in. So for the ladies, when your husband is not willing to listen, that means he's acting like an another man. And for you guys, when your wife wants to talk about it, she acts like another woman, therefore, give her the chance to talk. And you need to be patient to listen. Otherwise, if you don't listen, she's going to have to have someone who will listen to her, and she's going to take it out. So therefore if you want her to keep it in, that means you need to be the person who listen when you listen, just like we said earlier about our sort of law is the law
seller. Don't be judgmental. Just listen, just listen and see what exactly would be going on.
I'll take the last three questions and shall altana we close
many questions about in laws issue. Basically, husband's love is kind of under pressure because of the fight between families and and her family and his family. So they're affected by their in laws. Well, Canada The problem with that is that when a husband and wife they're when when parents they match their children together, they find the husband or the wife or the child, what they do in addition to matching the kids, they actually try to match themselves with that opposite family. And they consider themselves extended part of the relationship. So therefore, they feel liberty of you know, expressing their feelings and their their whatever about the relationship and that affects the
the boy and the girl who are in that relationship. So therefore, for the boy and for the girl. They need to understand that if there's a fight between their parents, I'd rather you be neutral, which means let them solve their issues out and you guys just live happily ever after. I know it's difficult and hard to say. Specifically if that's couple coming from a trip
decision that the boy or even the girl under so much control or pressure from their parents, you know, sometimes in families, because the father was responsible for the education and the wedding and all that stuff and so on, they feel
the right to say, or to give basically opinion and even interfere in the relationship because I paid for all of this. So therefore, themselves, they have the right for that, that becomes an issue. And I would suggest for the boys and girls to realize that even if they invested in your marriage, it's for you, to set the limit for them. To what To what extent should you be involved in that? Let's say if the father comes to the man says, Listen, don't talk to her father. Don't talk to him. Simply you respect to that. But at the same time, why?
The man didn't do anything wrong to me, I understand you have an issue with him, please keep it between you guys. Let me let us not mix all these issues. Same thing, the girl, if the father, her mother comes to her, she says don't talk to his mom, this lady, she is this and that and so on, if you don't have any problem with her, why? So if they have issues, I would rather that they keep it among themselves and you guys stay neutral as much as possible in Sharma.
The question is if the man if the husband is not respecting his wife, and he's not treating his wife with respect in front of other people, how should the wife react to this? Again, remember, for the husband, perhaps the wife, she's seeing that she's being disrespected, according to her terminology, and definition of respect. For a man, perhaps he acted in a way that he thought he was respecting his wife. So therefore, if there is something going on, I'd suggest for the sisters, to talk to the man, you know, in a very practical way and tell him listen, I really feel hurt by that I don't understand what's going on, I need you to know that this is something basic tries to communicate,
try to use that verbal language and for the husband, if you really want to be happy, you're going to have to listen. Same thing, if the man is the one who has heard from his wife, you need to communicate sometimes your wife that this is how I understand the respect and love. So if you want to love me, respect me in the way that I understand that, not just the way you understand this. Last question Sharla.
You mentioned that people shouldn't get married because he or she is going to make you a better person or better Muslim. What should be the reason to get married to become a better person?
What does that mean? I'm not saying that marriage is not going to make you a better person. But it's your choice to become a better person because of your marriage. Means marriage does not make you a better person automatically. It doesn't make automatically a better person, you're going to have to work so hard so you can become a better person and share a lot of article with Allah. It's very important to make this difference. Now if you want to get married, and you're going to expect that marriage is the one is the thing that makes you a better person, that is a problem in your understanding of marriage, but inshallah Allah there will be an opportunity to platform for you to
improve your life with Allah terracotta Allah. Finally, I would like to recommend the shala for you this coming class this coming weekend inshallah. Chef Omar Suleiman is a local real community, also the structural Medical Institute, behind the scenes, I've heard him speaking online. It's a beautiful, beautiful experience. It's a good opportunity for a husband and wife to take a spiritual journey. That's good. Actually, this question is Paula I mean, this is a good opportunity for them. Meaning if you would like to clean your heart and become a better person, go ahead and connect re study or take the class the behind the scene a full weekend is going to be in Charlotte Allah in
Dallas area registrations outside for this class, I would like to take the opportunity and explore this on individual basis how to purify your heart, how to become a better person, so that when you when you get married, a shallow tala manager is going to become like a booster. Instead of becoming a burden becomes a booster to a man and show a lot about a katana. Again, remember, when it comes to relationship, marriage does not really kill love, it's you and your actions that might kill that love and that relationship and if you want to have a perfect model, that is considered you know, perfect, even with the problems with the trials that you go through, is that the is the model of
Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam who said hydrocracker clearly the best among those of us that are families and he was the rest of the family sort of La Hollywood send them ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to make this beneficial to all of us and to teach us that which is beneficial. I asked allows us to bring peace and tranquility in the hearts of a husband and wife and i also lost Hannah what out to make our spouses as a photo tiny Nana, to make them as comfortable our hearts and our eyes and to admit them all. admit them with us.
Put us all together into gentlemen for those of hamdulillahi Rabbil alameen wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.