Channel: Yaser Birjas
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When it comes to the reality of marriage, marriage actually is based on sometimes our understanding, you know, when it comes to relationship, everybody wants to bring their baggage and the standard with them. We all bring with us a lot of understandings of the relationship, how it's going to work, how are we going to do things and so far, there will be a lot of clash of personalities, sometimes that causes so much damage to the relationship. This thing, what I call the myths of marriage, or common misconceptions about marriage I shared some of them are kobato. Juma. And I would like to go over them real quick before we move on to the five stages that every couple had to go through in
their marital relationship. So some of these misconceptions, and perhaps some of us sitting here right now or even watching and listening, that actually perhaps they have these misconceptions when it comes to marriage. Number one, we believe that marriage will make me a better Muslim. So when people they want to get married, they think that I'm so bad, I want someone to rescue me, I want to save you. So that's all I'm brothers and sister, they come to me and I say, What are you looking for? The first thing they ask about this is someone who's religious. I said, Why?
Well, you know, I need someone to help me out my Avada, my Salah, I said, this is great. But if you're already weakened your Avada, you're going to become liability on them.
That means if you need to improve, you're a bother you need to start writing on right now before you get married. Yes, you need to find someone who's religious and is going to make you a better person. But you have to work your work so hard on yourself. First and foremost, you cannot just throw your spiritual failure on your partner, that's going to create a lot of friction in the relationship. You don't wake up for Roger. She gets upset with that, because this is the father of my children.
How is he going to set a good example of Morocco his kids specific if you have boys at home, and he blends it? Why didn't you wake me up? Because while you're supposed to be working me up, you're the one you're the man of the house. While I get tired at work and we start throwing all these lame excuses. If you know your budget is your solid budget, it's your responsibility to work for work out for not your wife. Same thing the ladies don't say well, I'm humble. I met the good guy to help me out with salads and veggies through. But you need to make sure that when it comes to your Eva your individual worship is between you and Allah subhanho wa Taala. Number two
we believe or some people believe that marriage will protect means it will protect me from falling into the fitna. Marriage will protect me from falling into the fitna. And I've heard that from so many young people, particularly men, men, they're more visually oriented people. So they look after the image and the scene. And that's why many men unfortunately have tried with with pornography and Harlem diseases these days, whether it's over the internet videos, or whatever it is, it's hard, even it chases them out more than they even try to pursue it. It's almost everywhere you go. Whenever you open the internet, there's something over there that leaves the shirt on to take to
that route. So they think they think that in order to protect myself from the Heron, I need to get married, thinking that just by satisfying their desire, they're not gonna follow that route. Well, the bad news is that a sin is a sin.
When someone commits a sin, it's a sin, regardless of your marital status, and you have to work on fixing that between you and Allah subhanho wa Taala. Same thing with the sisters. She's having a hard time, just having hard time just maintaining her Eman and her Dean because she always longs to get married. She was trying to talk to this guy and that guy in chat here and there and so on. And now she wants someone that she can hit secure her and her man. Well, if you keep doing that, it doesn't matter whether you get married or not, you're gonna keep following that path. Because it has nothing to do with your relationship. This is between you and Allah subhanho wa Taala. These are
misconceptions and because so much friction between men and women, because we all depend on the other party to help me improve in my DNA, my Eman, next.
Many people they believe that marriage will make me live happily ever after. As I said, this is part two for you.
Part Two, it's your own hard work. If you think that marriage by itself automatically makes you happy. It will make you happy temporarily because you're just living in this emotional high moment right now. But then once you hit no one city reality sinks that's when you start rationalizing your actions, your your feelings and everything that you do. You can live happily ever after. But it's by choice. And I am a strong believer. I'm a very strong believer about this statement that you can live happily ever after. But it only happens in one place as a man that is out of this world. That's an agenda. You will live happily ever after in a gentleman that's a promise of Allah subhanho wa
If you're a good believer, true believer, and your spouse also and children, who are true believers you have, they will follow you into agenda. Also, some people, they believe that in marriage, you just cannot hate the person you love. Because we will not we will never suffer any problem because I cannot imagine my spouse will hate me doing anything or doing anything. So that's why we take it for granted. And we start bargaining with love by misbehaving. You start misbehaving expecting that your spouse because he or she loves you that call us you know what they're gonna have to accept, I have to do that. Why don't realize that, yeah, but still, they have responsibility towards one another.
When it comes to love me, it's a different way, we're going to explain that a shout out the next point when the last soldier next, there is a misconception, great misconception amongst women, is that marriage was made for the benefit of men only,
which means men take all the prevalence, and women are just there to be subordinate, and just be enslaved in the house. Well, if if you believe that your marriage is that way, then 80% of your expectation will take place in your relationship. If you come with this perception, you can achieve that 80% in your marriage, for the guys the same thing, and I've seen among the young guys, Mashallah, who has a wonderful, wonderful mother, they have seen a wonderful mother in their life. So when when they get married, they get tempted to copy the model of their mom and their life, meaning they always see their mom and their wife. And when their wives don't fit that model that
they built for themselves, they get irritated with her. Why don't you do that? My mom used to do this with Hannah, why don't you cook like this? Why don't you dress like that. So they always try to copy, you know, their mom's model. And that becomes a big issue between a husband and wife. And same thing with the lady that said, when they come with this perception about marriage, that it's all for men, and they give up their their, you know, they're not, they don't they don't do their part because for them, it's just given wrong. And there is nothing you can do to change it. They don't realize that there is so much they can do to improve the relationship in shallow terracotta. One
thing also I noticed about this, when it comes to marriage that really many people think it benefits men more than women. And it's a cultural thing, in some cultures that when when a woman she moves from the house of her family, and she moves into the house of her husband, that means she divorces all her past relations with her family. Or at least that's what the husband expects of his wife.
Carla's don't talk to her sister at all, like very often. I don't want to see your aunt coming into the house. I don't want you to do this. I don't want you to do that. What my cousin is getting married? No, no, no, we're not gonna go there. How about this? How about that, and he expects his wife to be absolutely obedient in this regard. He wants her to start loving his sisters as much as he loves her sisters. That's not fair.
That is not fair. I mean, there's difference between respecting your sisters versus loving them, you know, just like she loves her says it's not gonna happen, just like you're asking her to love her father, as much as you love yours, which becomes sometimes difficult. Those always again, clash of personalities, and sometimes, you know, priority in the relationship and so forth. So that's why I'm saying for men and women, you need to change your perception of that. It's not just for benefit of men. It's for benefit of all, when Allah subhanho wa Taala spoke about marriage. He didn't say, wa Jalla, Vina radziwill, Baden FC moto Rama. He didn't say it he placed in the heart of the man, peace
and tranquility, he says between your hearts for both men and women. And he said my word must between both men and women, you cannot just attribute this to yourself and just to deprive your partner from the privilege of this manager, you have to be fair, and follow the rules that allow us to either say for both men and women in relationship.
Now, the reality of marriage. There are five stages you guys have to go through when you go when you get married, whether you like it or not. I'm not saying all these stages are pleasant stages. But these are realities.
So the reality basically, of marriage, is that the first phase I made them in five phases. The first phase is the in love phase, the end love phase, the inland face, it's all about emotional high. It's all about emotional high. It is the moment that every girl waits in her life for this guy who comes in
galloping with this beautiful White Legs, this person over status, and then he come to her house and he will say, Would you marry me? And the more we watch TV, the more we fantasize about all these unrealistic things to happen to us but eventually if it does happen helot for her hamdulillah the entire world suddenly starts revolving around this guy. It's everything about this guy. Same thing with the boy, the moment you know, his heart locks, you know, with this girl has everything started evolving over her. Even when people his friends calling him, he just goes you know, immediately and just turn it off right away. He puts it on flight mode. So that no one would call because I'm busy
right now. Busy Mashallah. When was those days when you used to call it says, guys, I'm bored, let's go go do something. What happened to these days? What happens to the time you wasted all these hours on Facebook just to have some sense of belonging, you know, to some sort of virtual community or real community what happened to those days? Now everything revolves around the love. So everything they will do will focus on them. So Paula, just like again, bring us to hedge breezes to hedge. Why do you think we thought we make the walk around the Kaaba seven times? Why do you think when we pray, we have to face one direction, what is that it is symbolic, to reflect our deepest needs to
worship Allah subhanho wa Taala and make it the center of our life. That's the meaning of this. When you make your life around the Kaaba, you make the center of that circle. And the single center of that circle to you would always fully as we all know, it pulls it towards the center. Whenever you go around the center, it keeps pulling you towards that center. That's natural physics. Same thing when it comes to Nevada, when you rebar is over there on the cover keeps pulling you towards the concept. And the symbolic thing that is the cover to the deepest need to worship Allah subhanho wa Taala and have the relationship with Allah azza wa jal, when it comes to your love is the same
thing. When now your lover right now become the center of your life in the center of your relationship, you're gonna pull all your efforts towards them. So everything belongs becomes along them. And that's when you start seeing them perfect. And that's when people that tell you they're wrong. And they're not true about what they said, you cannot even see that because you're in that what we call emotional high. During the emotional high, of course, people they present the best of what they have, you will have the best face ever. You are so good. You're so nice. You're so sweet. Your words are awesome. Even your grammar is perfect. Even if it's whatever it is, people they want,
they will forgive you because they just like you.
Even the statements that were their choice of words might be so blunt, but at the moment, it just oh my god is so romantic. You don't see beyond love right now. That's what we call it a lot. it fluctuates, it extends months, sometimes years, you know, marriage therapist, they say the average, the average time, you know span or span particular age of that, and love period, it's two years, that's the average, you can extend that extended you can shorten that at depends on how you behave in the relationship. That's the first thing during those times, as you know, everybody is being the best like what gifts, dinners, nice time spending attention to each other. Love cards, love nose
gestures, text messaging, whatever. You basically do everything just to show that so that's the first phase. The second phase, the honeymoon. The honeymoon phase right now, the honeymoon phase is when you have your Nika done when you have unica done now you are allowed to become more intimate. Even if you don't consummate the marriage it which means you still now you can come together, no hijab, you can put makeup you can become more explicit in what you say. You are basically living that beautiful future that you planning on you building together. And then when you consummate the marriage, you still love it. Now you're living in this heavenly bliss, this is honeymoon, the
honeymoon the most important or basically the unique characteristic about the honeymoon phase is is the exploration phase I call the exploration and excitement phase because during the honeymoon that's when you start becoming very observant of what they do what they see what they say how they say that everything you become so observant, even the way they cough, the way they sneeze, it sounds cute for you. The way they brush their teeth. It's awesome. The way they cuddle themselves in bed and they cover themselves and they cover It's so cute. So beautiful. Everything is so cute.
Even the hairline just the most ridiculous things will be just wow reflection of love to you. It's beautiful. It's nice. But then with that new phase of course and exploration phase, you will realize that not everything is as perfect as you thought.
You know that's when the first day you wake up at night. He says What was that? I thought I heard some sort of like somebody like a motorbike outside or
You realize that just lying next to you
says I didn't know he snores. That wasn't the marriage contract.
And you start looking for the marriage contract, it doesn't have any 90 days, you know, return policy.
too late for that. But that's now when you come to the real test. This is when the guy he wakes up he looks at the first time he says, Hey, without makeup, says Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim.
And who's that
that's when you realize that is this is the real face, I'm gonna be seen for the rest of my life. So what's gonna come next. And of course, it moves on and on and on, you know, the sweet dog is gonna start becoming more serious because now you're taking you're taking each other for granted. The lady who was very loving now becoming so demanding, and the guy who was so loving, he becomes also, you know, kind of trying to become the man of the house. So authoritative, he wants to prove himself. And she will tell him, excuse me, Relax, man. Take it easy, what's going on? And he wants to prove himself the man of the house. So now when you start exploring these things, we come to the third
phase. The third phase is what I call the this appointment phase. Believe it or not, it's a disappointment phase.
What does that mean? Does that mean that that's gonna kill marriage? No, no, it doesn't Mrs. Mrs. That's gonna kill marriage. But it's gonna wake you up. What does that exactly mean? every man and woman when they come to marriage, they come with what was high expectations, high expectation for what high expectation for themselves, high expectation for the spouse, how the expectation for that the entire relationship, they're going to come with this. So it depends on your expectation, when you see the reality of marriage, you feel really disappointed. Sometimes somehow law, you know, I didn't marry this guy, I might have someone else. What do you mean by these words, that means I'm
disappointed with you. That's when you start seeing the guy struggling with further with federal law as much as you do. That's when you see him is always you know, lazy about these things as much as you are, that's when the guy realize that he's weak in front of the TV, like his wife is and all that stuff, and so on. That's when they see the reality of life. It's a disappointment phase, you know, disappointment phase in inescapable phase of the marriage. But what you could do is moving on to the next phase, the fourth phase, which what I call adjustment, or compromise. When it comes to this appointment phase, people, they take one of two routes, one of two reasons. Number one, they
become so stubborn, so stubborn. And they want to force their rules on their partner, that the extent that they're willing to break it, then make it and I've seen those people, they just stay together for about four or five months on in a marriage. And then because of some ego issue on both ends, for men and women, then they split. And they were willing to live away from each other for almost a few months more, maybe more than a year or so. And finally, they would like to divorce. Why? Because it's not gonna work like this. But you didn't you didn't try it yet. Yeah, we did four months, hello. We've seen people over 40 years, you haven't seen anything yet, you're gonna have to
adapt, you're going to have to adapt. And that is when you move on to the next phase adjustment phase, the meaning of adjustment phase, I'm not asking you to lower your standard, what I'm asking you is really to adjust your standard, meaning bring the standard, your expectation of your spouse a little bit low, or higher. And then yours higher and lower depends on the situation that you're in, you have to work on adjusting to the new reality of marriage, the faster you go through the adjustment phase, the easier for you is going to be in shallow data to move to the following fifth phase, which I call autopilot, autopilot phase, which is the smart navigation, smart navigation
techniques, because marriage is really like a journey. You're in a boat on an airline, and you're flying in the air just sailing on the in the ocean, you're going to have to come to the ups and downs, there are so many servers that will be very high, it's going to be windy, it's going to be difficult, and you have to be a smart navigator and the relationship of manage. Many people they only think of the destination the moment they see difficulty what do they do, they want to go through it quickly before the time is up. They want to do as they want to go through as fast as possible before the problem catches up with them. They don't realize that as they tried to go
through they're going to be perhaps hit something that's really solid, that's going to break them not just slowing down. So that's why a smart navigator when you see a problem you go on even if it's gonna take longer, nevermind it's gonna be a second with lb sacrifice you It's okay. I'm gonna have to pay the price for this. That is fine. But it's gonna be in USAF back to the exact same route later on. That's basically it.
autopilot, you just keep it running smooth, and adjust yourself to the differences that will happen in the relationship. That doesn't mean you're gonna have always rosy flower it is no, you're gonna have some bitter days as well. But those bitter days will make you appreciate all the sweet days that you will see afterwards in shallow terracotta. Next, what men and women they need the most in any relationship, what men and women they need in any relationship if you just have random answers, Mr. Ladies, what do you want the most from the man?
If you just want to if you want to summarize this in one word, what would that be?
What is it as a man?
My daughter says love.
Basically love. Most men, if you ask them, they say love. However, that's in theory. But in reality, they give you examples to what love is for them. And if I asked the guys, what do you guys want the most from your wives? What is it? Yes, respect, respect the man they know, they know what are they looking for? Because only one thing just gave me that on behalf inshallah Donna. Women, they will love a lot of things, right. So men they want respect. They want they want respect. However.
However, if you ask men, what exactly means to them, because for women, when you tell them I need respect from you, they haven't answered they understand in a certain way. But for men, it's completely different thing. And we can explain that in shallow data later. But in the law, when we talk about our sort of law is that a lot of us but I want you to see what I want you to know about him, that when it comes to love, to love a husband, for the ladies to love a husband. It is to show him the respect in ways that are meaningful to him not to you.
meaningful to him, not you and who you got to show women what they asked for which is love you in order to show them love you have to show them love in ways that are meaning to them not to you. Based on this if you ask men how they explain respect another word for love in the dictionary of course, I actually made that I posted some of it on Facebook already. I last weekend I had a class and I asked the group of the students they were close to 880 students and I asked them in small groups to give me exactly what do they consider loving actions what men consider loving actions and what women consider loving action. Well I it's it's amazing how men and women they think Subhan
Allah Believe it or not, the top loving action that men scored the squad was men while women were looking for the top loving action which is interpretation to respect in their dictionary. The top candidate is take what could be the top loving action that interprets respect to them what could that be?
They said the number one that came out was cooking good food and clean up
cooking good food and explicitly good food not only Food, Cooking good food and clean up that's called the top loving action men demands from their wives. And when you ask guys what do you like what exactly are you looking for from your wife respect. So how does respect and cooking and cleaning the house you know work together? The ladies it doesn't make any sense to them. How could you put this together for the man says well you know when you cook for me that means you show me respect.
When I come and the house is clean, that means that you respect my desire to come in the house is clean and ready. It's a show of respect to them. Again, if you want to show respect to them on their terms, not yours.
You need to understand that now what come to the ladies, the top thing that this that's good what the ladies Can you guys guess what could be? I had many actually many different interpretations from the ladies because they have a lot of things to express. But the top thing that they told us they said it was thoughtful gifts. They said thoughtful gifts. And what's the meaning of thoughtful gifts. It's not about the gift. It's about the word thoughtful gifts, thoughtful itself which means to be spontaneous, to be kind to be nice to be gentle to be caring to think about me all the time. Just it's basically all this envelope and the word thoughtful and then they put gifts right there.
That's why they don't care about the gift as much as the thought that came with it.
For a man or give it has a price tag on it. For a woman. It's the sentiment that came with it.
The sentiment that came with it when you were walking into any grocery store, and you saw this this chocolate even if it was on sale, if it was to for 50 cents
and you go
And you go back home until your wife, this is for you. Because Wow, why you bought this for me? It's not like she's testing you and she just wants to see what is the feeling behind it? What? What, from what provoked you to do that? You will tell her? Well, I was thinking about you. And I know that you love this chocolate, so I bought it for you. These words worth million dollars, right uranga sisters, under a lot of I mean, of course that doesn't mean they don't they're not going to take the $1 million you offer on it. But let's begin with that the sentiment, thoughtful gift, something that shows that you really care doing that. That is love in their dictionary. That's how they understand
love. You need to show them love on their terms. Not your terms. For a guy when he wants to show love to his wife. What does he do?
He does his stuff, right? I'm gonna cook you barbecue today shallow Tyler. That's what they do. But I want something else. I want five minutes of your indivisible attention. Can you give that to me? Well, I'd actually do the cooking for you. Because for them, this is how they interpret love. Same thing for the sisters. When the wife she wants to show love to her husband, she does something she think it's loving, right? And for a man it might be edited. Because this is not what I see respect. You don't expect me to do these things to me and so on. So eventually, please, please please, when you talk about love, and and respect you have to interpret that understand that according to their
terms, not your turn. When we come back to Charlotte de Barco de la casa de Madrid, we are going to continue
with the vicious cycle that causes conflict in the house. And how did the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam Ali dealt with these problems? He had some issues as well medical problems like everybody else. How did he How did he deal with jealousy is a lot less than Imani. We see that in shallow diabolical with Allah when we come back after certain moments salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.