A House Without Conflict Is A Home

Yaser Birjas

Channel: Yaser Birjas

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I

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wake up at

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the beginning of the night.

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If you ask women, particularly mothers, if you ask women mothers in particular, what are the two top qualities they would like to have in a house or living put it in and specifically, in a home? What are the top two qualities women would like to have in a home or a place that you could call home? The top two qualities. I'm going to give you one minutes for the guy to discuss this with the person sitting next to pair up together. discuss that with the person next to you. What are the top two qualities any woman desires to have in a place to call home? And I would like also the ladies to discuss that together. You guys I want to see if the guys if you guys are thinking together

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information. I want to see if men understand what women really desire, you know, I'll give you one minute.

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Selman

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even though you're not married, guys, you know your mother's

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got

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to find the answer. That's why you're getting wired right now. Let me see the guys. What do you guys find? What are the top two qualities women they would like to have in a place they can call home?

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The I'm hearing fee ladies, I'm gonna come to you but the guys are saying piece number one to security. What else can you carry? Gary? What does that mean?

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Okay, what else? trust, trust, appreciation, appreciation, honesty, loving and caring, loving and caring son or husband. Basically.

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Honesty, honesty.

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received messages from their mothers.

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What else guys tell me what do these women want to have in a house or in a home?

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Okay.

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Okay, now let's hear from the ladies. Ladies, tell me what exactly wants to have the top two qualities you would like to have in a home?

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Set again? Peace for us.

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Understanding

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is

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not bad. We're getting almost 50% of the answer. We're getting 50% of the answer. So pauwela here's the best place. The best place that you really call home is the place that you call Jenna.

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Jenna, you want a place to be like gentlemen, whenever someone wants to describe a place where they find themselves in it comfortable. And so what do they say? Oh, I'm in heaven. This place is heaven. Why is it heaven? Exactly. Because they find specific qualities in that place. And that's exactly what men both men and women they like to have and desire to have in a place they have overcome to women, particularly they're looking for specific qualities particularly to quality. What are we going to get this word is from better than the hospital Sorolla.

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Let's see. One day I

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realized

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he told Khadija yada yada How did you breathe? I have jabril came he just he just came right down. Harder gibreel you free okay Sam has a degree your glucose syrup So jabril was saying Salaam to you. And then he said to her that Allah subhanho wa Taala is sending Salaam upon Allah. Allah is sending Salaam across the region. Khadija the smart, intelligent woman. She didn't say what Allah He said on Monday peace be upon the last panel darlin How can even say peace be upon Allah xojo if he was peace himself subhana wa tada one of his names is what? A salon salon so she said God Allah has salon woman whose salon so Allah Himself is peace and peace comes from him. subhana wa

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Then gibreel gave the news to Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam to convey to her deja tala was pretty happy. Right and Phil genma you gave her the good news that she shall have a house in agenda. Should we wait till Jenna what are the qualities of this house in agenda? Do you guys remember the Hadith

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one cause of the house is just like a nice beautiful fancy tent made of of Casa de which is basically pearl. Beautiful pearl. is beautiful, fancy beautiful nice house. But that's not the that's not home yet. This is only house.

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You can build as big as huge, beautiful expensive houses as much as you want. It doesn't bring home to you. It only gives you a house gives you a shelter. Gives you a roof where you can protect yourself from the heat from the cold from the rain from the whatever from the water. It can protect you from that it does not go and do a home for you and now at this house. But what does guarantee a home to you? He said to her for the vitamin costs of that house that is made of Berlin agenda. Love Sahaba he

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two things lithography. What are some of the Arabic word Safa means what means noise, please is not rowdy. And if you ask what women really designed most to have at home is peace.

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Just be quiet.

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Keep the peak of the kids down, I want to just take five minutes nap I'm too tired. So just give me five minutes, just give me five minutes of peace and tranquility. Just one day without fighting one day without having to worry about all the stuff one day without having to worry about the kids and so on. Just one day, she can ask her that she said I need one day without that debate in Casa de la Sahaba. He doesn't have any noise. It's not loud. It's not really doesn't doesn't make the news how I already edited so much. Why is that? Because the noise really makes your editor and it really really makes you exhausted. How come the brain Allah subhana wa tada created the brain to operate

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and function in amazingly, one of these ways. Really one of these words is that any sound any sound that you have around over here, believe it or not, the brain operates to process that sound. whether it's good or bad, right or wrong, needed or not needed eventually, if it's something around you if you can hear it, the brain processing. That's why as I'm speaking to you, your brain is processing another sound. You know what, that's not what sound is?

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The fans.

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And that's why even when I'm not when I'm speaking, you feel sometimes exhausted and tired because you're trying to focus on this guy what he's saying. But there's another noise in the background. I'm not saying that they're not Oh,

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all I'm saying is that this is how it is to power and that's why if you become a frequent traveler, one of the one of the only the beautiful things you buy with it, we've got it we're doing the travel, these nice, beautiful big earphones that kills the sound outside. You just turn it on. And it has mechanism that completely eliminates and cancels all the noise outside. Why because when you travel to three hours even though you had been you haven't done anything, you were just sitting on the chair on the seat, by the time you arrive there you extremely exhausted. Why is that? Because your brain was was working, functioning, processing all this sound and noise that comes from the

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engines and so forth. That is loud Sahaba Fie the word sahab even Sahaba put them together in the Arabic language sahab is actually the sound of loud noise basically, it's by itself it gives the impression of having well known saw. That's very sad, very strong song and that song. So the first thing that there is no

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what is the second quality that Allah subhana wa jal is given a digital the long term housing agenda. The first one, there is no sofa, no loud noise, nothing to worry about in this regard. What are

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the other quality women they would like to have in a home? While and also the word NASA means fatigue,

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fatigue, tiredness, that means they don't want the house they have to worry about working

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as an Ewok keep telling you just give me one day of the week off, one day off. And the guy said Why did one day off?

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What do you do anyway to worry about it.

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I really really appreciate mother's women in general right now.

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new models I appreciate these models for everything they have done. The reason for that is because for personal some personal reason, I have been actually a single father, my children, my three kids 1412 and 10 years old children for the past four months

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by choice practices overseas for families and so far she's taking care of things will be back soon. inshallah Donna, I never thought I never thought this is going to be a very hard, difficult task.

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Well, I I never thought that. But somehow now that I see what women go through, I understand. I understand why women keep you know, you're worrying about things, complaining, feeling difficulty, fatigue, tiredness, and all that stuff and so on. No wonder they work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the entire single day of the year, they don't take days off.

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He was a guy you often set up from seven to five or four, whatever, you come back to home from work handler, I've done my job.

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Now it's time to chill out for you. Angela has another job. That's part two. Specifically, if you have children, she of course she takes care of the children. part one and part two, when you come back, and you expect everything to be perfect.

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shall be granted that in the $90 Indian of the photos. And now Allah give every single Muslim woman that house in

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a house that has no sakala so that they don't worry about noise. They don't worry about doing anything. Even if something spills on the floor. It's the magic magically will be cleaned, they shout louder.

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Until then they have to worry about it.

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That's one thing when it comes to the house, or just like I said the house is the outside structure. The home is the inside structure. That is the quality of life. Many husbands they worry so much about superficial superficial aspects of life. These superficial aspects of life, like the furniture, you know, the house, the size, all that stuff constantly. What about that so much. And every time the wives complain about the quality of life that they provide for them, they say What's wrong with you? I'm going from seven o'clock in the morning until five o'clock or 10 o'clock at night. Don't do that I'm doing all this for you.

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And she says you just bring in things. You're not bringing life to us. These things that you call life, they just materialistic things. They don't necessarily provide a quality of life. Keep that in mind. So if you want to so much about that, one day, you're gonna realize that I've worked so much, but I couldn't build really a home. I only built the house. mela supanova mega houses homes in this dunya and

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in a sense that it brings you peace and tranquility. Allah Subhana Allah says about now the inner structure of the house home, Allah azza wa jal says about Holloman iottie. And among His Signs is this among his son, meaning the miracles of Allah. So I'm not gonna comment on

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that he had created for you from amongst yourself as large as was mean spouses. Why is that later schooling in India, this is the key word over his latest guru, Elijah, the old second means peace.

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This is Elijah to bring you serenity. They just grew Elijah, when you come back from war, you find peace with them. And when you come back from war, they find peace with you. They just call Elena wotja anabaena kumada wa, and he plays between your heart mawatha and rockmart. The word now what is one degree of love? You know the word love in the Arabic language is hope comes in different shades. One of these shades is actually tranquility, peace, mercy. And some of it is a great word to lust, desire, desires, and so forth. I have many many shades. And one of the shades of love is the word in my word.

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The difference between the word love and mawatha is that my word that is the time soft, tender love. It's not the last one, but it's the kinds of tender love which is close to romantic, close to that romantic thing. Those are what we see in the life of Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam. Then, between him and his wife on the online.

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I showed the love that. She reported that Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam every time he comes into the house, the first thing he starts with cleaning his mouth with his miswak The first thing he cleans his mouth to clean his mouth to refresh his breath basically, and then one. Then he approaches her and he kisses.

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What he does call this the welcome kiss.

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I've never seen my dad doing that

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he did that.

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Rasulullah sallallahu we did that. Why don't you whenever you come home, the first thing you do, you make sure that you have some something in your pocket, whatever in the car to refresh your breath. And then of course, you're one that doesn't have to end with anything. Excellent.

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Tender kiss, that's it. And then she said, Well, they allow that kind of Salalah, who I think will sell them cannot sell a lot of Samuel cup biloba, as well as he will who was flying to Mexico to the salon, sometimes also via Solano center. They used to kiss some of his wives, he used to kiss some of his wife, salado salon, while he's fasting, on his way out to the desert to lasala. Imagine someone fasting go into the salon, he kisses his wife on the way out what kind of kiss isn't gonna be is that beautiful, tender, gentle kiss. It's not that last full kiss is that beautiful, gentle kind. And that's what we mean by the word and all

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that you have that nice, beautiful, tender heart that's filled with love for your spouse. Why the old drachma is the counterpart of that love. You know, in reality, when it comes to the reality of marriages and family life, not all religions are running on love, right? How many religions you guys know?

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That's a power law. It's amazing how they're still holding on together. Sometimes it's in your family, like you see your father and mother, you they've been married for 4050 years, perhaps every time you see them, they fight.

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And when they fight, but when the secretaries are calling each other, okay, and so on. And he wonders, how long is this happening alive? Because they're really running perhaps on mercy, not necessarily on them.

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They're running on nursing. When you ask a lady who's having a hard time with her husband, while you're still staying with him after all these years, she goes, Well, I feel sorry for him.

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Because I know we divorce. I know he's clumsy, he's not going to survive long enough to is not going to be able to make his food, his clothes, blah, blah, blah, to stay with him.

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And his reality that some marriages, unfortunately, running on mercy

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on other religions as the opposite, completely opposite, that you will find them they're running on romance, and they think this is everything in life. Unfortunately, it doesn't last long. It doesn't last. And that's not the reality of life. When it comes to marriage. It has to be a balance. It has to be there has to be a balance between what the

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so when the malenda somehow is being compromised in the relationship for whatsoever reason, at least. Rockman is a shield that carries the shipping shallow data until we reach safety and then rekindle love afterward.

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And sometimes when Mercy is not the thing, it's love that might hold them together until panela. Somehow in a situation, they'll find the plasma among themselves. So Allah subhanho wa Taala says, which has to do in a? Why do we have conflicts in the house? Why do the husband might fight Why do the kids fight with their parents? What's the problem? There is no doubt that the Shetland is the first thing we know that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam he says Pinochet panna Allah inertia Tanaka is a year by the European the Shabbat is becoming desperate to be worshipped on Earth. This you need to know that Japan has no hope to be worshipped. He has no

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hope to be rival to Allah subhanho wa Taala in that sense, but Allah however, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, while I can refer you to horatia verina calm, he is just satisfied with the horatia Vanakkam the word hareesh. That means to instigate a conflict and hate instigate conflict, and he that's what he wants to do. He doesn't like to see you together, particularly husband and wife. But one of the Hadith Rasulullah sallallahu said I mentioned that on the on the end of the day, everything that they almost assured upon yet this Rashi the chiffon he has a throne. And the throne is basically imitating Qatar a whole lot. That's all over man. And it has the Shelton around

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him all his team. And all this is basically the supervisors and so on, they all get together. And he's not asking Okay, tell me what do you do? What do you guys have done today? They may see who did something great to them. So this guy, he said, I kept I stayed with him until he I made him do so and so. I stayed up after him until I mentioned that he would commit so and so talking about since I stayed behind this guy until he committed Zina until he stole this money until he killed this until he watched pornography until he did he just keep counting and counting and counting. And the shaitaan keeps telling these people are Muslim after you've done nothing has nothing. Well, I've

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just stayed behind him until I met him use gloves on so you've done nothing. You've done nothing until one of them. He says I kept harassing him said after

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him until I met him divorce is one

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that's very abundant, who says Carla, and you're the one come away, bring them next to me. That's the one. So Pamela, the shaitaan, would not like to have peace and tranquility in the house. Why? Because peace and tranquility means what the agenda is strong families. So in families musicial, good worship Allah subhanho wa Taala. And if we have that we have that righteous community and mighty society, do you really think the shape and we'll be happy to see the children of Adam better than him and worship.

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He was cast out of the mercy of Allah subhanho wa Taala, because of one single session, frustration, one single system, and then he vows to challenges

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underneath me, just give me the chance to live until the day of judgment. And I'll show you that this creation does not deserve what you said about them. So he's now challenging us on the last panel without a whole lot to see and prove this, this world, this creation is not worthy of our last panel without his mercy, and we need to prove them wrong.

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We have to prove them wrong. And we have to maintain a shallow dialogue as much as we can peace and tranquility in the house. How can we do that, and why they have problems in the US. You know what I do counseling for young couples before they get married, or the beginning of their relationship and so forth. I tell them that for some of you, perhaps you will say I share I wish you came up to 1015 years ago, or 20 years ago, but there's almost a shallow data improvement room for improvement. I said, here's the thing, this is how marriage goes through. You have once you become once you, you start the process of getting married, you go through five major phases. These are the five major

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phases of how, ironically, I used to actually I, I organize these five phases based on experience with many other people and couples, and so forth. And then I gave few lectures on that. And then one day one brother, he tells me, there is actually a website, a guy who is some sort of counselor, marriage therapist, and so on. He has done his website. So I went on his website, and he met and he wrote an article, I use my five points actually.

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It's amazing. These five points are number one, whenever you start the process, the first phase, the first one I call this is the in love phase. The End love phase is whatever you basically start now looking into getting married, you start having those beautiful feelings,

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beautiful feelings, even if you had a family traditional arranged marriage, the moment they tell you, this is gonna be your wife, you somehow start melting down.

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The woman that says, Oh, this is gonna be your husband. He says, oh, Mashallah. So they start feeling those have those beautiful feeling now that you're in love. And when the end love phase, what do you guys, how do you present yourself in the face, you always present the best of you right or wrong.

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You're not gonna show the ugly part of you. You're not gonna show the dark side, right? You always thought you always show the bright side, that's what you do. So you'll always show the best of you during this time, she will never see who she will never see the

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same thing, you're not gonna see him until

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a few weeks back, whatever. That's the phase one. And Phase One is the person that you allow you fall in love with is to you is completely perfect. Completely purpose. So when in this in our society, young ones, for example, now they took in their hand, they took in their hand, that they want to look for their own spouse, they don't want to have the family involved with that, whatever. So they try to go in and look for themselves. And then when they come they want to find their parents. They want to find their parents to accept from them. They want to fight with them to say, Listen, you know, I want to marry her because I love her. And the father of course for him. Okay, do

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your homework and come back we'll talk about later.

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Never takes you seriously. Why? Because he knows it's just a phase. It's an in love thing. And when you're in love, you just have everything perfect. So Paula people they get very obsessed about that, that there was their energy on these kind of feelings. The second phase, when they get married when they do their makeup, they're still in that same phase until they consummated the marriage once they have the wedding. Once they have basically another opposite eventually, it's time for them right now to explore. This is called the honeymoon, exploration phase.

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And exploration phase, the first few months. Everything is cute and beautiful. And

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even the way he sneezes the way she sneezes all this is so cute. Though he brushes his teeth the way he does, he washes his cup. All that stuff is so cute.

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Just for a few weeks.

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That's called the exploration phase. And then the exploration phase, that's when you guys start testing each other. It's a matter of tests. That's why unfortunately, for our younger generation, because the boundaries are fluid, it's not like the older generation that held their home. They hold on to their match by tradition and culture. The culture is sets very strong boundaries and sacred meanings for marriage for them. Sometimes they are duration today, they have the first fight or Salaam Alaikum. Class, I'm going to my family's house, and then fight for divorce. Why? Why was the problem? I don't know. I just don't like him anymore. It just like that. So simple, somehow law and

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tried to reason with them, what's the problem, what's going on what's happening, even though they're the most educated in terms of degrees, but when it comes to marriage and marital life, elementary

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and elementary level, they have no clue how to communicate with someone of the opposite gender, and marriage. Unfortunately, again, so the second phase is the honeymoon phase, which is the exploration phase, during the exploration phase, you test one another. And as you test one another, you just want to see how genuine your spouse is to you. Sometimes you rub them the wrong way.

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So just when you start testing them, you get the wrong answer. And that's why I keep telling the young couples is, please, please don't test your cup of tea, get your love. Don't test your love. Don't test your spouse in that fashion. Just stay genuine, say the way you are. And just be be genuine to yourself first and foremost, to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Then later on with your spouse after that this is very important to be gentle with allies. First and foremost. During this phase, during this phase, one husband and wife get into a marital relationship. What do they do? Usually they have very high expectations. Very high expected, which is brings us to the second to the third

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actually phase right now. The third phase based on these high expectations, of course. And if I asked you that question, I know how many of you are married right now? Raise your hand if you're married.

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Now, how many of you those who raise your hands? How many of you guys had very nice, beautiful, amazing expectation for themselves for the wife, you know, for their marriage? Raise your hands if you had to be overexploitation.

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Almost everybody would have that expectation. Now, how many of you believe that they met that expectation, the relationship and don't worry, don't be afraid of your spouse?

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You guys met your expectations.

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What happens in the third phase? The third phase, as I call it, actually the disappoint

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now you're gonna be disappointed. Yeah, sure.

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That disappointment is a wake up call. It's a wake up call. Because many couple new couples, particularly in our generation, and unfortunately, when they come into marriage, they have so much very high expectations. completely unrealistic, is a guy when I asked them when I asked the day comprehensive shift, could you help me find you know, a match for myself? I said, Okay, what are you looking for? Because I'm looking for 12345 and he's looking for a former shuffle amazing qualities, the best group like so for example, he's a cook like Martha Stewart for example, as beautiful as such, and such model this that all these all these qualities, and then when he gives me all the less

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SM, Mashallah, voila, it is amazing description, brother. If you want someone like this, please let me know, I want to

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say because it doesn't exist in reality, it's only photoshopped in your own mind your own brain. That's all. It's only Photoshop over here. And it doesn't exist. It exists except religion. So that's the scripture for another gentleman martial law. So if you truly find one like this, I'll kill you, Bora

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Bora. Now, it's not gonna happen that easy. And if it doesn't, hamdulillah that's fine. But I would say be realistic. People that put so high expectations come to the ladies, many of them they always want to marry someone who is more religious than they are.

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So

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why do they Why do they want to have someone who's more religious than they are? So they can help them wake up

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to help them you know, fast Mondays and Thursdays. They help them you know, memorize the Quran. They help them walk up Oklahoma lane. They help them they stop fantasizing about religious martial law environment in the house. And will they will be disappointed because the next day in the morning, they wake up and the sun is only halfway to overtime. So eventually she doesn't happen. What happens? He tells her I thought you're gonna wake me up

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And then she was around I managed to to ignore.

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And they both dropped the bomb.

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They both dropped the ball. Why? Because they throw their spiritual fate on someone else. Their own spiritual fellow was thrown someone else you expect because you have bad relationship with Alonzo JAL, that marriage has that that marvelous, miraculous magical formula. Now fix all your spiritual problems instantly. Once you just get married next day, wake up, Mashallah.

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And the woman should work like I showed the alarm.

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It doesn't happen.

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You have to walk us through your relationship. And you need to need to separate between what is your duty and your task as an individual. And then what's your spouse's task? What creates problem is when we start now throwing our problems on our spouses, and I have to admit that men are very clever at this issue. They're more than women are women. They're always like, they like to sacrifice. So even if men threw things on them, they'll accept it fine. As my travel, it's my fault. All right? Because the guy doesn't want to feel incompetent, particularly in front of his wife. Because if she tells him, it's your fault, and he says, yes, that means what? You're good for nothing.

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And for him, he would never admit that. That's why two words are the most difficult words for a man because no matter in marriage and relationship, ladies, you can tell me that was the most difficult to watch. What am I? What are they?

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I'm sorry, what is the other one?

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Well, thank you. They might say thank you. Physically, the food was good.

00:31:46--> 00:31:50

No, it's the same thing. I'm sorry, I was wrong. My father, same thing. The other one is,

00:31:51--> 00:31:53

it seems that there's a possibility of mine

00:31:54--> 00:31:55

is the word I love you.

00:31:57--> 00:32:04

Two are the most difficult for a man to say there is one. Number one is I love you. Because when if I say I love you, that's commitment.

00:32:07--> 00:32:13

They feel that the woman they're going to take this against them. What is it, I love you the other day? Come on, I was 25 years ago.

00:32:15--> 00:32:16

I was by mistake.

00:32:17--> 00:32:57

But they know they're gonna harass them, because you said I love you, therefore you're gonna have to prove it. And then they like to prove it through actions. That's it. So in regardless how much you try, they will say, what do you think I'm doing? Anyway, that's a show, the work, the hard work, all the stuff and so on. And they do genuinely show love through action. Women are men are very practical. But women, they like to hear the word. Now, the other thing is that I'm sorry, it's very hard to bring a man to admit his fault in front of his wife. Why? Because for him, she needs to look up to me. He's the one the leader, this and that, and so on. My point is because of these two

00:32:57--> 00:33:07

things, we set our expectations so high. So hi. So when we come to the reality of Madden, the reality of life, we fall short of these expectations.

00:33:09--> 00:33:40

We fall short between where you are, and where you were hoping to be in your relationship in marriage, that gap between where you are where you need to be your expectation, what justifies criticism. As a matter of fact, that's what creates a big problem, in any situation in the family, in any situation or family. Why is that? Here's the thing. in psychology, of course, whenever it is said to this day, whatever in the leadership, we learn that whenever you set

00:33:41--> 00:33:44

yourself for expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure.

00:33:45--> 00:34:15

If you set yourself for expectations, you're setting yourself up for failure. Why is that? Because if you just keep expectations, and you never make any never take any action to make them happen properly, or at least you have no plan together, there is expectations, you're going to always be disappointed, you will always be disappointed. And that's what happens in marital relationship. They set themselves for high expectations. But there is no plan to bridge the gap between where they are and where they need to be. They just leave everything for time.

00:34:16--> 00:34:30

Time is going to get us there. So the man is waiting for his wife to take an action and the woman is waiting for a husband to take an action. No one does the action and everyone is waiting on the other to meet that expectation. As a result, they both will feel disappointed

00:34:31--> 00:34:55

how to defeat them. The reason why is because in disappointment as in the feminine, causing conflict between the husband and wife. I'll give you an example right now. If a man promises his wife, that inshallah Allah next summer, I'm gonna send you off to family, whether in another city or another country. I'm going to set you off and start to travel during the summer and to enjoy your time.

00:34:56--> 00:34:59

You made the promise right? What does she do?

00:35:00--> 00:35:03

She sets an expectation expectation in terms of what?

00:35:04--> 00:35:22

Everything, you're going to buy the ticket, you're going to book the flights, you're going to make sure that we have an accommodation over there. You're not going to give us a shoebox pocket, you know, and change for the trip and all that stuff and so on. Every week and every two weeks, three summers coming in approaching, the husband never talks about

00:35:23--> 00:35:24

what does the woman stop doing?

00:35:25--> 00:35:29

Stop doing what the woman calls What? nagging.

00:35:31--> 00:35:35

So, just do anything about it. I told you, I'm gonna send you

00:35:36--> 00:35:37

don't sell.

00:35:38--> 00:35:46

Because for the man, let me do a terrible job, trust me. But for her, it's all based on expectation as you see no plans.

00:35:47--> 00:36:02

Because or no plans are being executed here. She becomes now set to failure because of his expectations. Why? expectations are so high. There is no plan to get her over there. She get nervous. She gets nervous. She gets now too

00:36:03--> 00:36:24

anxious, and anxiety. The man is not responding. He's not communicating is not clarifying things for her. That's becoming more and more and eventually she becomes a friend of Chicago overcome her fear she gets upset she becomes now unbearable. And it's a fight about something that can be solved with one phone call. Okay book the flight costs.

00:36:26--> 00:36:44

It can be done easily, but because we don't plan things, unfortunately the Muslims, the Muslims, we have the best plan Yanni for the day. Allah azza wa jal plan your life for you everything you wake up in the morning, you have a plan. What is your plan when you wake up in the morning?

00:36:45--> 00:36:46

So

00:36:47--> 00:36:50

the moment you wake up, you start with your plan what is it that

00:36:55--> 00:36:58

you remember? Because if I stay in bed, I'm gonna fall asleep again.

00:37:01--> 00:37:03

You walk up to the to the to the bathroom, you may feel

00:37:05--> 00:37:45

refreshed, you start with your Cinema Camera, ask Allah subhana wa tada print the message at home, whatever you want to pray and then eventually set to go by now you're going to work to work. And then you have that schedule your mind is on daily basis, on one on weekly basis. So as a Juma you need that community feeling you cannot be alone your social beans, Allah, Allah would force you to come to the Juma first I would actually love to come to Brazil to Juma and then you have a monthly basis you have an annual basis and you have it once in your lifetime. Allah is designing everything and preparing everything for you, helping you plan your life so you could plan all your life around

00:37:45--> 00:37:46

your religious duties.

00:37:47--> 00:38:08

You need to do that. When it comes to America life. Unfortunately, we just expect expect that things will be okay. When I do marriage counseling for couples, one of the reoccurring theme and word that repeats between a husband and wife why they keep fighting because I expected her. Well I was assuming I was this I said well, this is a problem.

00:38:09--> 00:38:15

Because you would expect to you're assuming you were you were expecting Did you guys discuss any plan?

00:38:17--> 00:38:30

Even the man would eat whatever you give your wife a promise, please, please clarify it on some sort of you know, technical plan, so that she knows that everything is going to be taken care of you want to look smart, and then show

00:38:31--> 00:38:37

that for her. And eventually she will do that same thing with the ladies, don't yourself your husband for expectation

00:38:39--> 00:39:16

of your husband said okay, if you say well, why don't we invite these people over bla bla bla, eventually, if you don't do that, you're gonna have to plan things. If ever you ask your husband for something, you need to plan for it. Eventually, if you live this expectation, you won't be disappointed. Now when it comes to this appointment and marriage, specifically, the first two years are the most critical years in marriage. Because exploration phase, expectation high. And now as you explore you find new things that disappoint you. And if you don't, if you keep holding it and you're never really planned for the expectation to arrive at your expectations, you become so numb, so

00:39:16--> 00:39:31

angry, upset, you build resentment, and unhappiness and so on. And that causes the people to move on to the fourth phase. The fourth phase and relationships, which I call personally, after disappointment, I called adjustment.

00:39:32--> 00:39:59

The adjustment or compromise face. The young couple different from the older generation. The older generation, again, like I said, because they have models they can copy from they learn to observation. They used to see their uncles, their aunts, their brother, their sister, the other people in the community, and they will learn from them. In our culture here in America. Our kids said they're middle schools until they get married most of their lives around their friends.

00:40:00--> 00:40:18

Most of the left arm their friends, remember the day when you invited people over to come to your house, where were the kids, your kids and their kids wherever they were in the backyard, on the game room, or somewhere else inside. Eventually, they're not around the elders to learn observed from them.

00:40:19--> 00:40:54

I remember when younger, we used to serve the food for the guest, was to bring the coffee, the tea and get things out, in and out. And we sit down, I remember I used to sit down as a high school student, I used to sit down with my father, when we have the family meeting, you're talking about physics to people getting there, and just sit down listen to what they're discussing. Sometimes this nonsense, it's funny for us. But for them, you just learn from the elders, how they communicate things, you show some how you learn from them. And when you get mad at you have a treasure of experience, you will not necessarily use every single piece of that experience. But at least you

00:40:54--> 00:41:02

have a wealth of experience and knowledge from which you can extract and perhaps use and filter as you move on in your life. Our younger generation

00:41:05--> 00:41:09

don't have that experience while they're getting their ideas about marriage.

00:41:10--> 00:41:12

Guess what? from Hollywood.

00:41:14--> 00:41:15

from Hollywood.

00:41:17--> 00:41:25

All what they see is this Princess Princess, they're getting married and they lived happily ever after. And they will never there was never part two for that series.

00:41:26--> 00:42:07

They only see part one, which is the lovey dovey side of it. That's all but the part to Allah and when is it gonna happen? You know, when people ask me the same thing about our children, if you ask your kids, what is their popular most, you know, popular story was what would it be Cinderella, you know, all these Snow White, all that stuff. And every one of these stories, they give false image of love and marital life, all what they see is something that's completely unrealistic, not just in the Muslim mind, even a non Muslim man, this is this is all false. We're just building expectations. And that's why a woman wants to marry today, they would like to have big shadow Hall like the Maharajah

00:42:07--> 00:42:15

style, and elephants outside all that stuff and so on. But they're building only a house, not necessarily a home.

00:42:16--> 00:42:54

So the expectations are so high. And now you need to take one of the routes to the generation because of the wealth of experience. And they're surrounded by this tradition of cultural knowledge and, and the respect of the elders and the family values, and so on and so on. So there was no photobooks. So we didn't have to adjust to this. How do we do that? They have their own techniques, they have their own techniques of survival. And that's what explains many of marriages survive 3050 years, even though you know, wasn't that loving relationship, but they knew how to navigate through difficult difficulty and the oceans and seas, and problems that they're gonna face and go through

00:42:54--> 00:43:30

our new generation, they might have PhD degrees, master's degrees, you name these degrees, they have all that stuff and education. When it comes to marriage elements. They don't have the navigation. That's why they decide to go for divorce, unfortunately, in many, many cases, which explains why we have high divorce rates among them, because they cannot really resolve the conflicts. This phase is about compromise. I understand my expectation is up here. And your expectations of you. We're going to have to meet somewhere in the middle.

00:43:31--> 00:43:47

We have to meet somewhere in the middle. When men and women they start now head buddy says no, you come to my level, or you and I would never compromise this and that. And that's when they eventually then would very tough relationship that it survives.

00:43:48--> 00:44:36

But what men and women they desire the most. With is what brings us to the what I call the circle of conflict, essentially by medicine divided by semesters, known as that the circle the cycle of marital conflict. What is that cycle of marital conflict? I'll ask you the question on what the guys are for the ladies. You guys tell me? What do women want the most? And the relationship if you want to give me one word to answer right now, in one word, what do you think women they want? in their medical relationship? Ladies, you discuss among yourself as well. What men want the most in the medical relationship if you have one word, what exactly they want from the relationship. One one you

00:44:36--> 00:44:52

guys discuss with each other? Would universe? What is that thing that you think your wife or a woman would desire the most to have in the relationship? And you ladies, I want you to bring me with one word. What do women want the most in the relationship? Bismillah God, let's see that. I'll give you I'll give you 30 seconds was good.

00:44:58--> 00:44:58

I would say

00:45:12--> 00:45:13

Come on

00:45:19--> 00:45:23

now, guys, you tell me what do they want the most What do you have your

00:45:24--> 00:45:51

happiness? I think men need happiness too, right? But there's something more than that. appreciation, appreciation. You know I'm talking about what women they want the most from the relationship. Let's see. So they have appreciation respect, security, honest. Honesty, affection, affection love. Trust Okay, hold on right now. Ladies what is is what men want the most from their wives their relationship

00:45:52--> 00:45:53

respect

00:45:56--> 00:45:57

they hit it immediately

00:45:59--> 00:46:01

in one shot they got it

00:46:02--> 00:46:03

The guys are confused

00:46:05--> 00:46:07

No wonder they don't understand why right

00:46:10--> 00:46:12

maybe security I'm not sure happiness.

00:46:14--> 00:46:44

Women they know they know what man they keep hammering all the time. All what they want is Eagle. Respect. A man what he wants the most from his wife is respect. And what is respect for a manager man? Respect for a man is that you prepare everything the way I want it to be. So when I come home and the house is not prepared already, what does that mean? you disrespect me? I work 10 hours outside come back.

00:46:45--> 00:46:50

on all these tours around the kids are yelling, so just show respect to me.

00:46:51--> 00:46:54

And the way we look I mean, what is has this to do with respect?

00:46:56--> 00:46:58

I didn't do that. These are kids

00:46:59--> 00:47:02

instead of yelling so why don't you just help me out and pick up that thing?

00:47:05--> 00:47:19

So it's kind of confusing for women sometimes. The ladies they figured out they know that men they want respect now to help you out ladies you tell me what do you want that what do you desire the most? For your husband emissary What do you want? In one word? What is it?

00:47:23--> 00:47:25

service. Now they're gonna go

00:47:28--> 00:47:34

women they want the most, or what you guys said can be summarized in one word. Love.

00:47:35--> 00:47:51

Even service is a show of love. Even service is considered a show of love for them. That's why whatever they fight, and she got upset, she feel broken. She leaves away the husband Chase. Sarah says, honey, you know how much I love you. She says you mind.

00:47:53--> 00:47:56

Because if you love me, then take the trash out.

00:47:59--> 00:48:00

And for a guy

00:48:01--> 00:48:03

one has to do with love.

00:48:06--> 00:48:41

They don't come together one on one equation. Simply she doesn't mean she doesn't mean you know that trash is equal to love. You know, you thinking about moving the trash out? Oh my god, you saved me 10 minutes of my life. Just trying to do that. That means you really love me. Why trash in particular Gemma because men are always about efficiency. So whenever a man comes and opens a trash bin, and it is flowing, overflowing, what do men usually do? You have? You have basically a box in your hand you wanna throw away, you come the trashcan is full. What do you guys do?

00:48:42--> 00:48:45

as high as men? What do you what do you really do?

00:48:46--> 00:48:51

You push down, right? You create extra space, so you don't have to waste another bag, right?

00:48:56--> 00:49:18

But then, when you want to pull that back out, you're not gonna you're not gonna be able to do that. Why? Because it stops so much that it's heavy. That when you start to pull the top, it's gonna break and throw everything on the floor, and you're gonna have to use 10 more bags just to pick up the trash that you just you mess up. For women. The woman is trying to fill up what do they do? They take it out, bring a new

00:49:19--> 00:49:35

woman they want service as a show of love. Men they need respect. Men need respect. So when a woman speaks, you know over his voice for him is a disrespect. One therefore is not ready. That's disrespect. When he was asleep and she just keep talking. That's disrespect. What

00:49:36--> 00:49:40

is this respect? And for women it's confusing. How is this disrespectful?

00:49:41--> 00:49:59

But for Manchester suspecting you know what I asked men. When I asked men to explain to women loving actions. I don't know how many of you took love notes with me anyone know that we gave you in Richardson. The class my class love notes. Anybody? No one online. You took love notes. It's

00:50:00--> 00:50:24

And Richardson, when I give the class love notes, and every single class I do actually on military relations, I make a survey, I asked the men and women to explain to explain what is loving action for them? What are the loving actions for them? So ironically, I said, this is why we have a problem. Because we you say you need to respect the most.

00:50:25--> 00:50:58

And women they say, we need love the most. Then you ask them to write down what are these loving actions, you guys expect them from your spouse? It's kind of weird, because it doesn't really show the respect, you're claiming that you're asking for the most. So for men, calculators, guests, what is the number one loving action a man is expected it was one, I asked the people to give me the top five loving actions. And believe it or not, the number one, the number one loving action was cooking good food.

00:50:59--> 00:51:08

That's the number one loving action for men they want from their wives to cooking good food. What has this to do with love women, this isn't a hateful action.

00:51:10--> 00:51:12

For them loving action means what did you man take me to a restaurant,

00:51:14--> 00:51:45

bring carry, okay, you bring food with you carry out, just bring it with you, and so on. That's how you show up. So they contradict these feelings. Based on that what I tell them, why I tell them is whatever, whenever you communicate, for the ladies, whenever you communicate love, tears to respond or respective files, since you know that they know they need to respect the most. Whenever you communicate respect, your husband always communicates respect to them in ways that are meaningful to them, not to you.

00:51:46--> 00:52:11

And for the guys, whenever you communicate love, what they say that they need the most. Whenever you communicate love for them, you communicate that love in a way that is meaningful to them. To you. The big problem is that a lot of conflict is that when a man tries to, to show his love to his wife in a way that is meaningful to him.

00:52:13--> 00:52:22

Like what you go, for example, you go to Sears or any of these department stores, and you buy a very nice expensive kitchen gadget.

00:52:23--> 00:52:28

And you bring it to life says Marsha, this is awesome. I brought this for you. She was you know you brought this for you.

00:52:30--> 00:52:47

Because this is extra work right now, right? You want me to start using this stuff for you to enjoy new meals and new food and what's that thing? Instead, you need to go and buy something that is meaningful to them like what flowers chocolates and flowers and chocolate is a waste of money.

00:52:50--> 00:53:12

Serious flowers and chocolate is gonna just wither and die in few seconds chocolate gonna melt no one's gonna eat it. Well, that chocolate yahi it's not as meaningful to you, these things are meaningful to them. When they see that you bought that chocolate bar, the chocolate and we're like, Guys, this is a secret between me and you know the legend here that it doesn't have to be expensive chocolate.

00:53:14--> 00:53:16

It just needs to be chocolate that they love.

00:53:17--> 00:53:19

Even if you get images from Walgreens,

00:53:21--> 00:53:35

Avery was actually two for $2 just get it and tell her this is for you. She goes one is I know that you love this chocolate. So I bought it for you. She would say wow, Mashallah amazing, such a beautiful gesture. Just don't tell her to for too long.

00:53:38--> 00:53:39

Don't robot so don't worry.

00:53:41--> 00:53:55

Right away. Same thing the ladies, whenever you communicate, respect your husband, Jones so as to communicate our respect in a way that is meaningful to you. You need to show it in a way that is meaningful to him.

00:53:57--> 00:54:11

Now the question is, how do I know what is meaningful to him are meaningful to me? Can you guys tell me? How can you find out? What is loving to wife that is meaningful to her versus meaningful to me? What is the best way of doing that?

00:54:15--> 00:54:22

Very simple, which is the last thing we need to do in our conversation. Because once we start talking without biting.

00:54:23--> 00:54:36

Why because we don't have the etiquette. We don't have the knowledge of how to communicate with our spouse without fighting. The man he dreaded the moment when he asked his wife what's going on.

00:54:37--> 00:54:39

Because what's going on is what is a man

00:54:40--> 00:54:45

with a list of demands and then all of a sudden they're bringing in all the dirty laundry.

00:54:46--> 00:54:47

I don't want that.

00:54:49--> 00:54:57

Under the lady Shiva she dreads reminding her husband about something he was supposed to have done 10 days ago

00:54:58--> 00:54:59

because that was committing suicide.

00:55:01--> 00:55:04

I told you I'm going to do it. Yeah. But that was 10 days ago.

00:55:05--> 00:55:09

And so how long regardless how much you your mind meant, it seems to be.

00:55:11--> 00:55:20

That's natural for me. That's why she told you don't forget to bring the salt with you this bring this one and this one, tell the man when he goes to bring us all the causes, like Which one did you say?

00:55:21--> 00:55:40

Well, there are many of them. I told him. And I told you to do that. Why? Because when you call her to ask her about it, you bring in more stress to them. And you're thinking that you did it out of love, because they don't want to make a mistake, I'm bringing it to bring the wrong one, when they should have actually listened the first time to show me love, they don't have to call me again to tell me which one you want.

00:55:41--> 00:55:50

It's always in that fashion. Whenever you communicate love, you need to communicate love in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, not meaningful to you.

00:55:52--> 00:56:00

Again, in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, the best way of figuring out what is meaningful to them. This will lie simply by

00:56:02--> 00:56:06

of course, women even they love to have their husband, you know, even more clever.

00:56:08--> 00:56:09

Which means

00:56:10--> 00:56:35

they don't have to ask, or you don't have to laugh. They need you to know, just to no sense that I need that. And that when they go on holidays amazing. I don't have to defend everything right away. But men, usually they have in conversation, which is again, the wrong way of communicating with your spouse when he was talking, you know, the other day when we had to do this and

00:56:36--> 00:56:41

and the guy said, Okay, yeah. All right. He's not getting again. And that was

00:56:43--> 00:56:59

like when when your wife calls you and says, I was so tired. When I woke up in the morning, kids that did this and did not even cook. And right now I still have to do this. And you just say, okay, that's fine. I know you can do it, no matter

00:57:02--> 00:57:05

what is the point, it just said, don't worry about it.

00:57:08--> 00:57:10

Well, I even if you say that you want to do

00:57:12--> 00:57:15

at home, I don't have to worry about anything. Why? Because he's happy.

00:57:18--> 00:57:39

He doesn't have to go out to eat, but she because she wants to do the thing that you love, and that you eat from her food. But at the same time, she needs to see that you really understand that's what they want to know is the love and in a way that is meaningful for them. So when I say about service, understanding caring everything is this is how they really understand love.

00:57:40--> 00:57:44

Now bringing shallow data to the last phase, the last phase of

00:57:46--> 00:58:11

the Manage basically, I would say phases, the last phase is what I call autopilot. The autopilot is basically after you come to the adjustment phase is not compromising here compromising. They're getting this high on this and the law and listen, until we meet at a very, very any common ground. Once you get there and handle our blumen call us you come to the point of understanding one another, then you start running smooth.

00:58:12--> 00:58:20

You don't have to do anything, it just it just runs smooth, which may keeps manager handler going smooth. However, expect bonds on the way.

00:58:21--> 00:58:29

It's not always gonna be so smooth, you might have to go through some any hurricane in the middle, whether you go away, or you go through, right.

00:58:32--> 00:58:42

But if you try to go it's gonna be a little bit longer. Gonna take more effort from you spend more money, more fuel, more energy, but it's gonna get you safer.

00:58:44--> 00:58:49

It's gonna get you fish, most men are smart enough to go through.

00:58:50--> 00:58:51

And that's when they get in trouble.

00:58:53--> 00:59:00

And when you go through a huge, huge me stone, that stone can be extremely dangerous for the right.

00:59:02--> 00:59:32

So you have to be clever and smart to make a decision. Is that a small stone that I can navigate through easily with some bumps? Or is it a big one that I have to go away? diversify something somewhere else, go do something else, land temporarily, whatever you want to do, eventually, you need to be smart. Once you get to the autopilot and hamdulillah you will know exactly how to deal with the situation and then become smooth until you meet your last panel.

00:59:33--> 00:59:39

Remember, these phases are fluid, which means every now and then they usually come in cycles by the way.

00:59:40--> 00:59:57

in marriage, they come in cycles. Are you familiar with them? It is crisis. You know ladies when suddenly all of a sudden your husband was 50 something years old. Next day he comes to us from work is riding a motorcycle. He says what's wrong? Are you okay? I'm just trying to live my life.

01:00:00--> 01:00:00

Buddhist,

01:00:02--> 01:00:06

lays Of course it is. But eventually, sometimes young people, they go in cycles.

01:00:08--> 01:00:12

And that's why when women are women, they start getting into when a man

01:00:15--> 01:00:17

is now going into the cycle again.

01:00:18--> 01:00:36

And that's when I wonder why he basically says, I've seen that America relationship becomes routine, because they never took a break to film. They always just kept going and going and going, and they would never get the chance to feel the energy and the love to get when it comes to the sort of lines. I mentioned.

01:00:38--> 01:00:38

That

01:00:40--> 01:00:59

life was the ideal, ideal in a sense that it wasn't problem or conflict free, no ideal in a way that we learn from the his techniques of solving these problems. Because like I said, When women they love the husband, or the man who understand the world without even saying a word.

01:01:01--> 01:01:03

That man should be alone. She said,

01:01:05--> 01:01:12

he was also the Senator's wife. She said, God rasulillah. So lessons, he told her so what the law said on my one law in Nina and

01:01:17--> 01:01:26

I know when you're satisfied with me, and I know also when you're not satisfied with me, I would know that. And that's, of course, what all women want to hear from their husband, right?

01:01:31--> 01:01:36

He said, When you're happy with me, when you're satisfied with me, you always say, Mohammed,

01:01:38--> 01:01:43

Mohammed, when you're unhappy with me, you would say, nah, you would say no,

01:01:44--> 01:01:47

no, by the honorable Brahim, she doesn't mention the name of Mama.

01:01:48--> 01:01:53

But she said to him, again, to show her the love to her husband is powerful like a man. And

01:01:54--> 01:01:56

he said, Listen, I only have what your name,

01:01:57--> 01:02:30

which means your love is there. But I know I just tried to avoid your name at that moment. That's natural, it does happen, these things will happen. And the same thing, what also why is still a lot of Salah, he has just like in the woman, just like in any other any marriage and other religions, they always love to see improvement, and their marriage relationships in their life. So one of the one of the ways of improvement is decorations, changing furniture, buying new things and stuff like that, and so on, which denotes a demand for extra money, either. So I had to deal with that.

01:02:32--> 01:02:35

He had to deal with that. Every time a new work comes from

01:02:36--> 01:02:55

surrounding areas, then they bring all the treasures to the masjid. They didn't have a treasury back there or banks. So they bring you into the machine. And then we've got over, like over 1000. So the leader guards over there. And when a woman they get that power, they got the treasurer behind. They come to the civil law. I heard that somebody came up behind

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his forehead for her. So what do you want? What do you mean money?

01:03:01--> 01:03:36

Is something such country give us something something? Why don't you get your provision for the year, because that's what the problem used to do. He used to divide a provision for the entire year. And he gives them everything ahead of the US. This is your wealth. This is your money. This is your food, this other stuff for the dead with it, manage it yourself. But every now and then they want some house improvement, right? Everybody's gonna be taking their share. What about us, and also law says this is not my money, I can't I can. I can do that. This is for the for the community. But still there is our daily we can take more. And they kept going down and doing that. And sometimes

01:03:37--> 01:03:40

over close to the economic good here, the daughter, the daughters voices,

01:03:41--> 01:03:57

raising their voices against the Prophet sallallahu Sallam that they come in, and then over to the phenomenon. So the moment they say they are the parents of the father's coming in, they immediately start running away from them to Alinea. I do want to come over however such an enemy of

01:03:58--> 01:04:05

the Father. He wants to of course, the Justice and the school has done his own daughter Rasulullah. He's the one who started he said,

01:04:06--> 01:04:25

so guilty of living from it. And sometimes also realize Allah will be sitting there. And the whole is all women surrounding him asking demanding more money than one of these occasions and above all the love that he can end the moment he came in. The women they covered themselves and they kept quiet.

01:04:26--> 01:04:34

So they kept quiet as they were just few seconds away. They were just raising their voices in front of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. So he said Katya, it was

01:04:36--> 01:04:48

such an enemies to yourselves. Look at you. You're raising your voice in front of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. Normally I come in, you stay quiet, which means you don't you don't have respect to the sola sola setup. And he showed me that respect.

01:04:49--> 01:04:57

The law that I'm not sure given the answer, because a citizen Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam is very kind and gentle your roadmap

01:04:59--> 01:05:00

which means we

01:05:00--> 01:05:10

can literally you're just something else and da da da da da da Of course you should throw that rock on her mama I had to go away not physical work but that statement is him and

01:05:11--> 01:05:43

eventually even rasulillah he had to deal with that and sometimes he was dealing with it he would he would get to the maximum there is a roof for him that he can tolerate these things but at some point is gonna have to take an action one of his action was the story I would like to end with a shallow data is that the action window sort of lie is that a lot of his wife's kids you know, complaining complaining they want more they want more they want more. And finally also look at some of our salon is for Viola xojo salado Southern so

01:05:45--> 01:05:47

he given all that he is not gonna force them.

01:05:49--> 01:05:55

Basically, he was boycotting what Norman they call it they call the silent treatment.

01:05:56--> 01:06:01

You know, when the husband to come and talk to your husband, he's just making a big show out of it.

01:06:03--> 01:06:03

Saying what

01:06:04--> 01:06:05

are you going to eat with us?

01:06:08--> 01:06:24

So you're going to eat with us. He doesn't want to talk. It's just like a silent thing. So it also aligns to the lasala case, physically did that basically, he withdrew from the house of Ayesha, another house with his wife a lot of money. And he stayed. And in the law, they had a lot above the house.

01:06:26--> 01:06:28

And there was a stateless domestic.

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He wasn't that problem, that law when another photographer then use that sort of law or law, whether he divorced all his women, he freaked out, because it was don't house. So he went straight to his house to the hofsas house. And she was weeping and crying. Because what happened? What happened? Because Well, I don't know. Did you divorce us? I don't know. And he kept telling his daughter, I told you don't act like Ayesha. I just she can do things that she can get away with it. You cannot. Eventually that didn't help her either. They had to go out so he went to look for us.

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And he finds Milan guarding the stairway to the love and the heritage muslimah So then, for sort of lies,

01:07:13--> 01:07:19

was guarding the stairs for so long. I said why don't you ask permission from me I want to talk to

01:07:21--> 01:07:21

them.

01:07:24--> 01:07:49

Without I mean, went up to seek permission for so long. He said I saw sort of like, leaning on his side. He was reclining on his arm. And he was just resting there quiet, which most men like to do when they're upset. They just want to throw in their honor and their own cave and just don't want to bother me right now. So so my salsa was now there with us and Yara Sorolla. Ahmad wants to talk to you

01:07:50--> 01:07:52

and guess what was the answer? But the problem

01:07:54--> 01:07:55

Can you guess

01:07:57--> 01:07:58

the answer was

01:08:00--> 01:08:11

silent answer. Again silent the silent treatment. So without after some time W's the power was really really upset. That's what it means. So without comes down. He said I told him but he said not.

01:08:12--> 01:08:27

Someone got nervous. Super he sat down. After some time he said I couldn't take it anymore. So I went back to Bella, can you try to seek permission to give me the province pulled down right now. So then he went up to Java. So Lama Omar is asking for permission the province has remained silent.

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I'm not ready for that now. Leave him alone. So he came back says I told him

01:08:35--> 01:08:50

now almost freaking out right now this is very serious. This never happened before. So he said for a longer period of time and then finally he came back to us says okay, now try to seek permission maybe it's getting easier now. So finally when he says that he also longer will then the profits or sensors or filament

01:08:51--> 01:09:29

comes in and he's very worried and variances doesn't know what to expect. So when he saw the prophets of Allah seminar position, kind of felt a little bit uneasy, so he didn't sit down. He kept standing is a thought I also love. He's tried to kind of like an icebreaker. So you know, he also Allah when we used to be in Medina when we used to be in Mecca, the arratia women our women, they were Mashallah they were just very obedient, very submissive, whenever it says something never respond, never answer back to you. But when we came to Medina, than Saudi women are more outspoken. So the other day I was talking to my wife and my wife Shannon from downside women's it seems to be

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learning from them. The other day, I was talking to my wife, and she said that

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until Omar was like a major sin,

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like answering but again, that was cultural Mecca. And this was the culture of Medina, the Medina women are stronger. Indeed, there were so many shows a woman that used to ask questions, even he said about him called, Rahim Allah who is Allah, Allah have mercy on Saudi women nomina on that Heyo at the planet within even China's ambassadors never

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stop them from land God, they will ask questions. Even one woman she asked when the Prophet was asking about the blood, basically, the prophet said, he told her she asked, what do we do with this blood? It's a kind of very embarrassing question. The professor says, eventually,

01:10:20--> 01:10:26

you take a cotton piece of cotton or cloth and just purify yourself for that. So the woman she said, How?

01:10:28--> 01:10:35

Come a very awkward question, right? The brother said he was so he became socially blushes. A lot of them. He said.

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She said also how and the purposes of Hannah law

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just purify ourselves, which means you should know better than if she didn't stop until I she pulled her aside. She says

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that's it just for the purpose of the mother should be fine. So even inside of women, they're actually very strong. So here is Romani saying, so a lot of the day I was talking to my wife. And she answered back to of course, today, this is mom and hamdulillah. We went well beyond that right now. But eventually Rasulullah saw wasn't in response to that. He smile,

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which means what? So yeah, I know what you're saying.

01:11:16--> 01:11:31

Which means we're on the same boat. I know what you're talking about. When I saw the professor smiling, he said, I felt comfortable. I sat down. Then after that, that awkward silence. I tend to sort of live as he said, Carla,

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did you divorce them? The Prophet says, No. I just said I'm staying away from them for a month. That's called an Illa.

01:11:44--> 01:12:15

Allah, so he vows it's mentioned. So let me double salvato show so that the maximum is four months after four months if you don't reconcile with your wife as divorce, or you'll be forced into divorcing So eventually, one of the sort of lies that month after month, after month for basically 29 days. You guys know that the month Usually, the Arabic month or the neuroma is for 30 days. So that month was 29 days. So the lion savasana comes down. Carlos is now done with a

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silent treatment. What do you expect him to go first?

01:12:21--> 01:12:22

Which house would he choose? First?

01:12:24--> 01:12:36

He goes to the house of Alisha, if a husband fights with his wife, he gets upset, he moves out of the house. He goes driving around everywhere. And then he goes to Austin comes back again. And then on the way this brings a cup of coffee when

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he comes into the house, he cooled down, he listened to the news that he found out that his problem is much easier and the world's problems. handlers not worry and don't have to worry about that stuff. He comes back home right now. What do you expect your wife to do when you come back home? After you know you fought with the wife, he told him come later. I'll be back later. Bla bla bla, three, four hours. You leave the wife in the house Myskina she will be just many 100 1000s of thoughts come into her mind. So is it going to go? Is it going to commit suicide? Is he going to divorce me is going to do this. She goes through all this. We're always doing is having a cup of

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coffee.

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Then when it comes back, he's cool right now what to expect him to do is expected why this one

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is because we have to smile and say I'm sorry. I didn't mean that blah, blah, blah, all that stuff, right? That's what most men they want their wife to do the familiar spec now. Did you know there was just one, right? I showed a lot done at the moment the process of Mr. salami came in.

01:13:40--> 01:13:40

She told him

01:13:43--> 01:13:48

she said, Well, after 49 days she said well, the muscle is not it's not over yet.

01:13:49--> 01:13:55

We went one month well the month the month is not over yet. Which means if you're not upset Why just have another day out there.

01:13:57--> 01:14:05

Now for a man to his wife answering like this after all this whole episode? What does that mean to them? Get another lesson, right?

01:14:06--> 01:14:09

You could just you know both of those as salaam alaikum. Even

01:14:10--> 01:14:16

for sola, sola Salaam VIP home, how gentle how kind of loving this man was salatu salam.

01:14:17--> 01:14:19

He just said a

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month can be like this should be 29 days and can also be like this 30 days, which means this one was 49 days to the spirit required.

01:14:31--> 01:14:45

Let's move on with our lives right now. My point here is that even even this most beautiful, most beautiful man so a lot of levels and even his household so a lot a lot of us allamani was not conflict free.

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If you want to learn how to navigate through these problems will lie you will have nothing no one better than a sort of lies.

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So the best thing to do my recommendation to solve these problems we shall law number one

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If you ever have an issue between you and your spouse for

01:15:05--> 01:15:05

when

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will you have a conflict over anything, that this point of reference to service problems is to Allah and His messenger? Is that something Halla that you're asking me to do? Or is that something that I have to do or not? Is that something so referred to as messenger? You don't have the answer for it. Guess what? Allah subhanho wa Taala says,

01:15:27--> 01:15:27

and

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then ask the experts, as

01:15:32--> 01:15:48

the alum The man is not necessarily, it's not his expertise or field, guess what, a lot of marriage therapists, counselors, this, that whatever, but you just need to ask the expert to see if this is my duty, your duty, my obligation you will do

01:15:49--> 01:15:54

number two, and they'll be some of our senses. nakada officially,

01:15:55--> 01:15:56

woman is

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a riff which means lynnium

01:16:02--> 01:16:09

you cannot find meaning in other things, enhance it makes it more beautiful. And if you take leniency away from it, and makes it

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so when you speak, speak with refund, leniency brings miracle that you speak with roughness and rules and so on and so on. It doesn't really bring to you what you expect of happiness and tranquility. And maybe you'll win the battle. But you lose the war.

01:16:31--> 01:16:57

They will lose the war in that house. So you're going to win that battle. She's going to basically be quiet symptoms and the ladies, you might win the battle with your husband, because he just tried to use a timeframe whatever. Eventually he breaks down whatever ticket Do you want about overall, you're gonna lose an entire war and battle ground eventually, which is the house so you never have a home? You only gonna have a house. Next to

01:16:59--> 01:17:05

your thing. There's something called an added justice and something called unfollow virtue.

01:17:07--> 01:17:37

unfollow former, whenever it comes to seeking, you know, my rights and obligations between husband and wife, you're entitled to either what is fair and just deal there is no doubt about it. If you ask what is just unfair to you, no one, no one can really complain about this. No one has the right to even to object to that. That's fairness and justice. However, Allah subhanho wa Taala has asked us to go beyond either and to father, which means virtue. That means you need to somehow you know, get to get in.

01:17:38--> 01:18:07

You need to give him and Rob some of your rights. For the benefit of everybody. The family the house. Yeah, I understand this, my buddy, Richard, fine. I'll allow you to do this. Well, yeah, maybe let's say your watch, he wants to go and visit a friend. Or maybe there's a wedding happening there. And so and so somehow, even though it's your time, it's going to be in a weekend that you need to be at home, whatever. But you know what, out of kindness between you and your spouse, this is the time she needs to spend with her family with her friends. Go ahead this minute.

01:18:08--> 01:18:16

But if you ever allow your wife to go and enjoy her time with friends and family, please don't bog down, bother her over the phone.

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Because sometimes they hate.

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You know what, I wish I didn't go to this one. Because within two hours, he would call and text one 1000 times. So where are the spoons? How are the cups? Where's the milk? Where's this was a long time. You just cannot live two hours on the spot. There is a level of added there's no doubt about it. But us unfolded. And the fatherless panel says well,

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even in terms of divorce, even in terms of divorce.

01:18:49--> 01:18:56

We are the tunica you are entitled to what you deserve in terms of fairness and justice. However, law says

01:18:57--> 01:19:01

unless you forgive, which means you forfeit some of your rights, or we have one

01:19:02--> 01:19:05

or the other party, they forfeit their rights. And then he said well, I

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never forget about the virtue and the good time just consider never forget about that. That's the virtue. So yes, you might ask for either for justice, but sometimes it's better for you to forfeit some of your rights for the benefit of everybody. inshallah, Rosana finally our last panel address as well called Amina Lee

01:19:25--> 01:19:29

will call them in and those who restrain and control their angles.

01:19:30--> 01:19:34

Many marriages were broken because of unfortunate uncontrolled anger.

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And for me, honestly every angle can be controlled. If you really prepare yourself and educate yourself because the Prophet said he said that

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he said mmm Allah element Allah knowledge comes through education. We're in Naaman hell with the handle, and forbearance, which means patience, controlling your anger comes through a hell of which means

01:20:00--> 01:20:32

training. So you can control and will call them and they will ask unanimous and those who forgive the people who have a lot of trust in Him and a lot of loves those will always do things with their son, which means with perfection. So what am I doing the relationship awfully shallow without him and then these rules rely on Zoda. And remember, remember that whatever you communicate with your spouse, always communicate love and respect to one another in a minute in a way that is meaningful to them. Not necessarily to you will love with our honor.